Woot.com description for MASTRAD 12-OUNCE MICROWAVE STEAMER 2-PACK

woot-description.txt

COMING THIS FALL…

To every TV station in America.

INTERIOR: WE SEE A HARDENED CRIMINAL (NOT AFRICAN-AMERICAN. WE HAVE TO AVOID THAT UNTIL AT LEAST THE THIRD EPISODE) AT A TABLE AT AN INTERROGATION ROOM.

NARRATOR
Insert City here is known for its tough streets and even tougher criminals.

CUT TO: close-up on CRIMINAL’S face

CRIMINAL
Angry resistance! Threatening challenges to authority! I am not intimidated by the likes of you!

HEROINE
Measured, authoritative response ending on a pregnant pause…

NARRATOR
But they just got a whole lot tougher.

HEROINE takes her sunglasses off to deliver the rest of her line, thereby cueing the AUDIENCE that she is not to be trifled with.

HEROINE
Clever twist of phrase indicating confidence in my abilities as a police officer while subtly insulting your intelligence.

NARRATOR
HEROINE MCTOUGHWOMAN is one tough cop.

CUT TO: HEROINE drawing her weapon on a suspect.

HEROINE
Uncouth threat to inflict bodily harm without remorse spoken firmly and calmly, thereby emphasizing my comfort with the dichotomy of my femininity and strength, which American culture dictates must be separate.

SUSPECT looks at her fearfully in disbelief at what he has just heard from her beautiful feminine lips.

NARRATOR
But soon she’ll discover being tough…

CAPTAIN
I’m giving you a partner who is ridiculously good looking, as is most of this police force. Meet LOVEINTEREST MENSHEALTHMODEL.

NARRATOR
Is the easy part.

CUT TO: INTERIOR, a POLICE CAR. HEROINE and LOVEINTEREST aren’t getting along.

HEROINE
Explicit refusal to accept your help as my partner due to my very male bravado refusing me to allow someone prove I’m not perfect.

LOVEINTEREST
Appraisal and acceptance of your imperfections, among which weighing more than 115 pounds is inexplicably included. Flirtation thinly-veiled as commentary on your solo work as a detective.

HEROINE
Tacit admission that working solo was not my first choice, followed with implication that it may be because I am too strong-willed for any man.

LOVEINTEREST
Appreciative interest in said admission. Confident retort suggesting all other men before me have been fools for not appreciating your strength as a woman, which is somehow written as a character flaw.

HEROINE
Ridiculous speculation that my toughness is only to protect myself from rejection by men, which American culture assures me is the only thing that gives me worth. Complete betrayal of my afore-mentioned toughness illustrated by shoddy attempts at conventional womanliness, including cooking using a MASTRAD 12-OUNCE MICROWAVE STEAMER 2-PACK (assuming product placement check clears).

LOVEINTEREST
Appreciation of the effort put forth into cooking and disbelief at the cooking function of silicone.

HEROINE
Hackneyed flirtation about the steamers not being the only thing steamy.

NARRATOR
She’s got it all under control.

CUT TO: INTERIOR, HEROINE MCTOUGHWOMAN’S office.

HEROINE
I am feeling rushed for some important event that has forced me to quickly change clothes in my office!

LOVEINTEREST enters without knocking.

HEROINE
Gasp!

LOVEINTEREST
Playfully sarcastic assessment of your undergarment choice as I remain in the doorway staring at you, which you seem to dislike but do nothing to stop. Because you can’t. Because I am a man.

HEROINE
Exasperated exclamation!

LOVEINTEREST leaves the office and closes the door. Both characters pause to deliver knowing smiles.

NARRATOR
Well, almost everything. Watch HEROINE MCTOUGHWOMAN: LADYCOP Thursday nights this fall on every station imaginable!