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Movie Script Parser
Raw
xholonWorkbook.xml
<?xml version="1.0" encoding="UTF-8"?>
<!--Xholon Workbook http://www.primordion.com/Xholon/gwt/ MIT License, Copyright (C) Ken Webb, Mon May 25 2015 19:37:48 GMT-0400 (EDT)-->
<XholonWorkbook>
<Notes><![CDATA[
Xholon
------
Title: Movie Script Parser
Description:
Url: http://www.primordion.com/Xholon/gwt/
InternalName: 0f4c1550af833ad6d8a1
Keywords:
My Notes
--------
May 9, 2015
I want to build Xholon apps by parsing movie and TV scripts.
References
----------
() Jan 22 notes in my notebook
() "Movie, TV, and other Scripts" workbook
() "The Fugitive (movie)" workbook
() http://www.imsdb.com/
The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb)
() google: "movie script" parse
() http://www.seas.upenn.edu/~taskar/pubs/eccv08.pdf
Movie/Script: Alignment and Parsing of Video and Text Transcription
by Timothee Cour, Chris Jordan, Eleni Miltsakaki, Ben Taskar
() https://www.aclweb.org/anthology/W/W14/W14-0907.pdf
Parsing Screenplays for Extracting Social Networks from Movies
by Apoorv Agarwal, Sriramkumar Balasubramanian, Jiehan Zheng, Sarthak Dash
() https://www.cmu.edu/joss/content/articles/volume12/Hoek.pdf
Parallel Arc Diagrams: Visualizing Temporal Interactions by Peter Hoek
this isn't directly related to movie scripts, but it's interesting
() http://moviegalaxies.com/
"Moviegalaxies is a place to discover the social graph in movies.
By building a technology to visualize movies through smart algorithms and data processing,
we create a new way to experience motion pictures."
]]></Notes>
<_-.XholonClass>
<StorySystem/>
<Screenplay superClass="Attribute_String"/>
<Story/>
<Scene/>
<AvatarScript/>
<Scenes/>
<Place>
<Dummyville/> <!-- a dummy/placeholder node -->
</Place>
<Universe/>
<Person superClass="Avatar"/>
<People/>
<!-- Protagonist/Antagonist could be the people with the highest counts -->
<!-- Narrator, Director, Character -->
<Director/>
<TreeWanderer/>
<ActRegulator/>
</_-.XholonClass>
<xholonClassDetails>
<Avatar>
<Color>rgba(20,220,60,1.0)</Color>
</Avatar>
<TreeWanderer implName="org.primordion.xholon.script.TreeWanderer">
<Color>rgba(255,215,0,0.8)</Color>
</TreeWanderer>
<ActRegulator implName="org.primordion.xholon.base.ActRegulator"/>
</xholonClassDetails>
<StorySystem>
<ActRegulator val="4.0"/>
<Story>
<People>
<!-- characters will be extracted from the screenplay, and inserted here -->
<!-- <Person roleName="Anna"/> -->
<Person roleName="Dummy"/>
</People>
<Scenes>
<!-- scenes will be extracted from the screenplay, and inserted here -->
<!-- <Scene roleName="EXT. STREET - DAY" duration="8"/> -->
<Scene roleName="EXT. STREET - DAY" duration="8" encloses="./StorySystem/Story/Universe">
<AvatarScript avatar="Dummy"><Attribute_String><![CDATA[
[Dummy];param caption #xhanim>span:nth-child(2);param transcript true;
out caption Testing.
]]></Attribute_String></AvatarScript>
</Scene>
</Scenes>
<Director/>
<Universe>
<!-- places will be extracted from the screenplay, and inserted here -->
<Dummyville/>
</Universe>
</Story>
<!-- the original text of the screenplay, as found at http://www.imsdb.com/ -->
<!-- timewords="NIGHT,DAY,EVENING,MORNING,DAWN,DUSK,EARLY,LATE,CONTINUOUS,SAME" -->
<Screenplay timewords="NIGHT,DAY,EVENING,MORNING,DAWN,DUSK,EARLY,LATE,CONTINUOUS,SAME,SATURDAY"><![CDATA[
]]></Screenplay>
<Animate duration="2" selection="#one" tweenScript="xhSvgTween_exp" xpath="./StorySystem/Story/Universe" cssStyle=".d3cpnode circle {stroke-width: 0px;}" efParams="{&quot;selection&quot;:&quot;#one&quot;,&quot;sort&quot;:&quot;disable&quot;,&quot;width&quot;:600,&quot;height&quot;:600,&quot;mode&quot;:&quot;tween&quot;,&quot;labelContainers&quot;:true,&quot;includeId&quot;:true,&quot;shape&quot;:&quot;circle&quot;,&quot;supportTouch&quot;:true,&quot;maxChars&quot;:3}"/>
</StorySystem>
<StorySystembehavior implName="org.primordion.xholon.base.Behavior_gwtjs"><![CDATA[
var me, beh = {
postConfigure: function() {
$wnd.console.log("StorySystembehavior");
me = this.cnode.parent();
$wnd.xh.param("AppM","true");
// SVG caption
$wnd.xh.svg = {};
$wnd.xh.svg.caption = $doc.createElement("span");
$wnd.xh.svg.caption.textContent = $wnd.xh.param("ModelName");
$wnd.xh.svg.scenenum = $doc.createElement("span");
$wnd.xh.svg.scenenum.textContent = "0";
var div = $doc.querySelector("#xhanim");
div.appendChild($wnd.xh.svg.scenenum);
div.appendChild($wnd.xh.svg.caption);
// create a new div for this animation
var one = $doc.createElement("div");
one.setAttribute("id", "one");
div.appendChild(one);
// Make a Place roleName, given a full Scene roleName.
// The returned roleName is partly capitalized.
// Any "'" characters in the roleName are removed, so the roleName can be used in an XPath expression.
// TODO possibly return a String array that contains a hierarchy of names
$wnd.xh.movie = {};
$wnd.xh.movie.makePlaceRoleName = function(sceneName, startPos, timewordsXsn) {
if (sceneName.length == 0) {return "";}
if (startPos == 0) {
switch (sceneName.split(" ")[0]) {
case "INT.":
case "EXT.":
sceneName = sceneName.substring(5);
break;
case "INT./EXT.":
case "EXT./INT.":
sceneName = sceneName.substring(10);
break;
default:
break;
}
}
else {
sceneName = sceneName.substring(startPos);
}
var arr = sceneName.split(" - ");
var len = arr.length;
if (len > 1) {
var maybeTimeword = arr[len-1].trim();
if (timewordsXsn.contains(maybeTimeword)) {
arr.pop();
}
}
return arr.join(" - ").trim().capitalize().replace(/'/g, '').replace(/\//g, ' ');
}
}
}
]]></StorySystembehavior>
<Screenplaybehavior implName="org.primordion.xholon.base.Behavior_gwtjs"><![CDATA[
var me, timestep, personXsn, placeXsn, storyNode, scenesXmlStr, avatarScriptActive, timewordsXsn, sceneObj, beh = {
postConfigure: function() {
$wnd.console.log("Screenplaybehavior");
me = this.cnode.parent();
if (me.text() == null) {
me.println("The text of the screenplay is missing.");
return;
}
timestep = 0;
personXsn = $wnd.xh.util.newXholonSortedNode().obj("!!person");
placeXsn = $wnd.xh.util.newXholonSortedNode().obj("!!place");
storyNode = me.xpath("ancestor::StorySystem/Story");
scenesXmlStr = "";
avatarScriptActive = false;
sceneObj = null;
var timewordsArr = ["NIGHT", "DAY"];
if (me.timewords) {
timewordsArr = me.timewords.split(",");
}
timewordsXsn = $wnd.xh.util.newXholonSortedNode().obj(timewordsArr[0]);
for (var i = 1; i < timewordsArr.length; i++) {
timewordsXsn.add(timewordsArr[i]);
}
timewordsXsn.inOrderPrint(0);
$wnd.xh.movie.timewordsXsn = timewordsXsn;
String.prototype.capitalize = function() {
return this.charAt(0).toUpperCase() + this.slice(1).toLowerCase();
}
var el = $wnd.document.createElement("div");
el.innerHTML = me.text();
var pre = el.querySelector("pre");
var node = pre.firstChild;
while (node) {
switch (node.nodeType) {
case 1: // Element b
this.processElement(node);
break;
case 3: // TextNode
this.processTextNode(node);
break;
default:
break;
}
node = node.nextSibling;
}
this.outputPersonNames();
this.outputScenes();
this.outputPlaceNames();
},
formatPersonName(wordArr) {
for (var j = 0; j < wordArr.length; j++) {
wordArr[j] = wordArr[j].capitalize();
}
return wordArr.join(" ");
},
outputPersonNames() {
var personArr = personXsn.toArray();
var personXmlStr = "";
for (var i = 0; i < personArr.length; i++) {
var wordStr = personArr[i].obj();
personXmlStr += '<Person roleName="' + wordStr + '"></Person>\n';
}
personXmlStr = '<_-.people>\n' + personXmlStr + '</_-.people>\n';
me.println(personXmlStr);
var peopleNode = me.xpath("ancestor::StorySystem/Story/People");
if (peopleNode) {
peopleNode.append(personXmlStr);
}
var p = peopleNode.first();
while (p) {
p.action('param caption #xhanim>span:nth-child(2);param anim grow 1.1;');
p = p.next();
}
},
outputScenes() {
if (scenesXmlStr.length > 0) {
if (avatarScriptActive) {
avatarScriptActive = false;
}
if (sceneObj) {
// write out the last scene
scenesXmlStr += '<Scene roleName="' + sceneObj.slug + '" duration="' + sceneObj.seqNum + '">\n';
if (sceneObj.anno.length > 0) {
scenesXmlStr += ' <Annotation>' + sceneObj.anno + '</Annotation>\n';
}
if (avatarScriptActive) {
for (var personName in sceneObj) {
if (typeof sceneObj[personName] === "object") {
scenesXmlStr += '\n <AvatarScript avatar="' + personName + '"><Attribute_String><' + '!' + '[CDATA[\n';
scenesXmlStr += sceneObj[personName].text;
scenesXmlStr += ' ]' + ']' + '></Attribute_String></AvatarScript>\n';
}
}
avatarScriptActive = false;
}
scenesXmlStr += "</Scene>\n\n";
}
}
scenesXmlStr = "<_-.scenes>\n\n" + scenesXmlStr + "</_-.scenes>\n";
me.println(scenesXmlStr);
var scenesNode = me.xpath("ancestor::StorySystem/Story/Scenes");
if (scenesNode) {
scenesNode.append(scenesXmlStr);
}
},
outputPlaceNames() {
var placeArr = placeXsn.toArray();
var placesXmlStr = "";
for (var i = 0; i < placeArr.length; i++) {
var wordStr = placeArr[i].obj();
placesXmlStr += '<Place roleName="' + wordStr + '"></Place>\n';
}
placesXmlStr = '<_-.places>\n' + placesXmlStr + '</_-.places>\n';
me.println(placesXmlStr);
var placesNode = me.xpath("ancestor::StorySystem/Story/Universe");
if (placesNode) {
placesNode.append(placesXmlStr);
}
},
processElement(el) {
if (!el) {return;}
switch(el.nodeName) {
case "B":
this.processB(el);
break;
default:
break;
}
},
processB(el) {
var str = el.firstChild.nodeValue.trim();
if (!storyNode.role()) {
storyNode.role(str);
return;
}
var arr = str.split(" ");
switch (arr[0]) {
case "INT.":
this.processScene(str);
this.processPlace(str, 5); //.substring(5));
break;
case "INT./EXT.":
this.processScene(str);
this.processPlace(str, 10); //.substring(10));
break;
case "EXT.":
this.processScene(str);
this.processPlace(str, 5); //.substring(5));
break;
case "EXT./INT.":
this.processScene(str);
this.processPlace(str, 10); //.substring(10));
break;
case "ANGLE":
break;
case "CLOSEUP":
break;
default:
this.processPerson(arr);
break;
}
},
processPerson(arr) {
// the contents of the array is probably the name of a person or other character
var len = arr.length;
if (len == 0) {return;}
// remove abbreviations at end of word arr (V.O.) (O.S.) (O.C.) others?
if (len > 1) {
switch (arr[len-1]) {
// TODO there may be several of these in sequence (V.O.) (CONT'D)
case "(V.O.)":
case "(O.S.)":
case "(O.C.)":
case "(CONT'D)": // or (cont'd)
arr.pop();
break;
default:
break;
}
}
if (scenesXmlStr.length > 0) {
var personName = this.formatPersonName(arr);
personXsn.add(personName);
if (avatarScriptActive) {
// ?
}
avatarScriptActive = true;
if (!sceneObj[personName]) {
sceneObj[personName] = {};
sceneObj[personName].prevSeqNum = 0;
sceneObj[personName].text = "";
}
sceneObj.currentPersonRoleName = personName;
}
},
processPlace(sceneName, startPos) {
// use the sceneName to derive a place roleName
var placeRoleName = $wnd.xh.movie.makePlaceRoleName(sceneName, startPos, timewordsXsn);
if (placeRoleName.length > 0) {
placeXsn.add(placeRoleName);
}
},
processScene(slug) {
// the scene "slug" line (INT or EXT, location, time)
if (!slug || slug.length == 0) {return;}
if (sceneObj) {
// write out the complete scene
scenesXmlStr += '<Scene roleName="' + sceneObj.slug + '" duration="' + sceneObj.seqNum + '">\n';
if (sceneObj.anno.length > 0) {
scenesXmlStr += ' <Annotation>' + sceneObj.anno + '</Annotation>\n';
}
if (avatarScriptActive) {
for (var personName in sceneObj) {
if (typeof sceneObj[personName] === "object") {
scenesXmlStr += '\n <AvatarScript avatar="' + personName + '"><Attribute_String><' + '!' + '[CDATA[\n';
scenesXmlStr += sceneObj[personName].text;
scenesXmlStr += ' ]' + ']' + '></Attribute_String></AvatarScript>\n';
}
}
avatarScriptActive = false;
}
scenesXmlStr += "</Scene>\n\n";
}
sceneObj = {};
sceneObj.slug = slug;
sceneObj.seqNum = 0;
sceneObj.anno = "";
},
processTextNode(tn) {
var text = tn.nodeValue;
text = this.removeCrLfs(text);
if (text.length == 0) {return;}
$wnd.console.log(avatarScriptActive);
if (avatarScriptActive) {
// convert semi-colons into commas (Avatar IF language requires this)
if (sceneObj) {
var cprn = sceneObj.currentPersonRoleName;
if (sceneObj.seqNum > sceneObj[cprn].prevSeqNum) {
sceneObj[cprn].text += 'wait ' + (sceneObj.seqNum - sceneObj[cprn].prevSeqNum) + ';\n';
}
sceneObj[cprn].text += 'out caption,transcript,anim,speech ' + text.replace(/;/g, ',') + ';\n';
sceneObj.seqNum++;
sceneObj[cprn].prevSeqNum = sceneObj.seqNum;
}
}
else if (sceneObj) { // && scenesXmlStr.length > 0) {
sceneObj.anno += text;
}
},
removeCrLfs(str) {
// replace whitespace (CR, LF, duplicate spaces) with a single space
// trim white space from front and back
str = str.replace(/\s+/g, ' ').trim();
return str;
},
toString: function() {
return me.text();
}
}
]]></Screenplaybehavior>
<Scenesbehavior implName="org.primordion.xholon.base.Behavior_gwtjs"><![CDATA[
var me, beh = {
postConfigure: function() {
$wnd.console.log("Scenesbehavior");
me = this.cnode.parent();
this.numberScenes();
this.cnode.remove();
},
numberScenes: function() {
// 0 20 21 35 36 50 extra more extra
// 2460-2473 3251-325f 32b1-32bf 2474-249b 249c-24fe
var scene = me.first();
var sceneNum = 0x2460;
while (scene) {
scene.role(String.fromCharCode(sceneNum) + " " + scene.role());
scene = scene.next();
switch (sceneNum) {
case 0x2473:
sceneNum = 0x3251;
break;
case 0x325f:
sceneNum = 0x32b1;
break;
case 0x32bf:
// no more circled numbers available; use other enclosed numbers
sceneNum = 0x2474;
break;
case 0x24fe:
// no more enclosed numbers or characters available
scene = null;
break;
default:
sceneNum++;
break;
}
}
}
}
]]></Scenesbehavior>
<Directorbehavior implName="org.primordion.xholon.base.Behavior_gwtjs"><![CDATA[
var me, scene, animate, countdown, avatarCache, beh = {
postConfigure: function() {
me = this.cnode.parent();
scene = null;
animate = me.xpath("../../Animate");
this.cacheAvatars();
this.newScene();
$wnd.xh.root().append(this.cnode.remove());
},
act: function() {
if (--countdown <= 0) {
this.newScene();
}
},
cacheAvatars: function() {
avatarCache = {};
var people = me.xpath("../People");
this.cacheAvatarsRecurse(people.first());
},
cacheAvatarsRecurse: function(node) {
while (node) {
if (node.first()) {
this.cacheAvatarsRecurse(node.first());
}
else {
avatarCache[node.role()] = node;
}
node = node.next();
}
},
refreshCache: function() {
// refresh the cache by iterating thru the existing object properties
for (var prop in avatarCache) {
var pname = prop;
var pval = avatarCache[pname];
if (typeof pval != "function") {
var newPname = pval.role();
if (pname != newPname) {
// update the property in the object
// delete avatarCache[pname]; // should I delete the existing item (it's safe to do this)?
// But someone might have multiple names?
avatarCache[newPname] = pval;
}
}
}
},
newScene: function() {
if (scene == null) {
// point to the opening scene
scene = me.xpath("../Scenes/Scene");
}
else {
if (scene.next() != null) {
scene = scene.next();
}
else {
// keep checking for a new next scene in case the user appends a new one
return;
}
}
if (scene) {
me.println(scene);
$wnd.xh.svg.scenenum.textContent = scene.role().charAt(0);
if (scene.encloses && animate) {
animate.attr("AnimRoot", scene.encloses);
}
countdown = 2; //scene.duration
if (scene.duration) {
countdown = scene.duration;
}
var ascript = scene.first();
while (ascript) {
var a = avatarCache[ascript.avatar];
if (a) {
this.movePerson(a, scene);
a.action("param transcript false;");
a.action("script;" + ascript.first().text());
}
else {
this.refreshCache();
// try again to get "a"
a = avatarCache[ascript.avatar];
if (a) {
a.action("param transcript false;");
a.action("script;" + ascript.first().text());
}
}
ascript = ascript.next();
}
}
},
movePerson: function(person, scene) {
var sourceXhcName = person.parent().xhc().name();
// note that first 2 chars of scene.role() are special char and space
if (sourceXhcName == "People") {
var prn = $wnd.xh.movie.makePlaceRoleName(scene.role().substring(2), 0, $wnd.xh.movie.timewordsXsn);
//$wnd.console.log("moving " + person.role() + " to " + prn);
// place double quotes around the xpathExpr, in case prn contains spaces
var xpathExpr = "go " + '"' + "xpath(../Universe/Place[@roleName='" + prn + "'])" + '"' + ";";
//$wnd.console.log(xpathExpr);
person.action(xpathExpr);
}
else {
// move from current place, to possibly a new place
var prn = $wnd.xh.movie.makePlaceRoleName(scene.role().substring(2), 0, $wnd.xh.movie.timewordsXsn);
if (prn != person.parent().role()) {
//$wnd.console.log("moving " + person.role() + " from existing place to " + prn);
// place double quotes around the xpathExpr, in case prn contains spaces
var xpathExpr = "go " + '"' + "xpath(../Place[@roleName='" + prn + "'])" + '"' + ";";
//$wnd.console.log(xpathExpr);
person.action(xpathExpr);
}
}
}
}
]]></Directorbehavior>
<SvgClient><Attribute_String roleName="svgUri"><![CDATA[data:image/svg+xml,
<svg width="100" height="50" xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg">
<g>
<title>Screenplay</title>
<rect id="StorySystem/Screenplay" fill="#98FB98" height="50" width="50" x="25" y="0"/>
</g>
</svg>
]]></Attribute_String><Attribute_String roleName="setup">${MODELNAME_DEFAULT},${SVGURI_DEFAULT}</Attribute_String></SvgClient>
</XholonWorkbook>
Raw
zNotting-Hill.html
<pre>
<b> N O T T I N G H I L L
</b>
Screenplay by Richard Curtis
<b> --------------------------------------------------------------
</b>
Title
<b> EXT. VARIOUS DAYS
</b>
'She' plays through the credits.
Exquisite footage of Anna Scott -- the great movie star of our
time -- an ideal -- the perfect star and woman -- her life full of
glamour and sophistication and mystery.
<b> EXT. STREET - DAY
</b>
Mix through to William, 35, relaxed, pleasant, informal. We
follow him as he walks down Portobello Road, carrying a load of
bread. It is spring.
<b> WILLIAM (V.O.)
</b> Of course, I've seen her films and
always thought she was, well,
fabulous -- but, you know,
million miles from the world I live
in. Which is here -- Notting Hill
-- not a bad place to be...
<b> EXT. PORTOBELLO ROAD - DAY
</b>
It's a full fruit market day.
<b> WILLIAM (V.O.)
</b> There's the market on weekdays,
selling every fruit and vegetable
known to man...
<b> EXT. PORTOBELLO ROAD - DAY
</b>
A man in denims exits the tattoo studio.
<b> WILLIAM (V.O.)
</b> The tattoo parlour -- with a guy
outside who got drunk and now can't
remember why he chose 'I Love Ken'...
<b> EXT. PORTOBELLO ROAD - DAY
</b>
<b> WILLIAM (V.O.)
</b> The racial hair-dressers where
everyone comes out looking like the
Cookie Monster, whether they like
it or not...
Sure enough, a girl exits with a huge threaded blue bouffant.
<b> EXT. PORTOBELLO ROAD - SATURDAY
</b>
<b> WILLIAM (V.O.)
</b> Then suddenly it's the weekend, and
from break of day, hundreds of stalls
appears out of nowhere, filling
Portobello Road right up to Notting
Hill Gate...
A frantic crowded Portobello market.
<b> WILLIAM (V.O.)
</b> ... and thousands of people buy
millions of antiques, some genuine...
The camera finally settles on a stall selling beautiful stained
glass windows of various sizes, some featuring biblical scenes
and saints.
<b> WILLIAM (V.O.)
</b> ... and some not so genuine.
<b> EXT. GOLBORNE ROAD - DAY
</b>
<b> WILLIAM (V.O.)
</b> And what's great is that lots of
friends have ended up in this part of
London -- that's Tony, architect
turned chef, who recently invested
all the money he ever earned in a new
restaurant...
Shot of Tony proudly setting out a board outside his restaurant,
the sign still being painted. He receives and approves a huge
fresh salmon.
<b> EXT. PORTOBELLO ROAD - DAY
</b>
<b> WILLIAM (V.O.)
</b> So this is where I spend my days
and years -- in this small village in
the middle of a city -- in a house
with a blue door that my wife and I
bought together... before she left
me for a man who looked like Harrison
Ford, only even handsomer...
We arrive outside his blue-doored house just off Portobello.
<b> WILLIAM (V.O.)
</b> ... and where I now lead a strange
half-life with a lodger called...
<b> INT. WILLIAM'S HOUSE - DAY
</b>
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Spike!
The house has far too many things in it. Definitely two-
bachelor flat.
Spike appears. An unusual looking fellow. He has unusual
hair, unusual facial hair and an unusual Welsh accent: very
white, as though his flesh has never seen the sun. He wears
only shorts.
<b> SPIKE
</b> Even he. Hey, you couldn't help me
with an incredibly important
decision, could you?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> This is important in comparison to,
let's say, whether they should
cancel third world debt?
<b> SPIKE
</b> That's right -- I'm at last going out
on a date with the great Janine and I
just want to be sure I've picked the
right t-shirt.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> What are the choices?
<b> SPIKE
</b> Well... wait for it...
(He pulls on a t-shirt)
First there's this one...
The t-shirt is white with a horrible looking plastic alien
coming out of it, jaws open, blood everywhere. It says 'I Love
Blood.'
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Yes -- might make it hard to strike a
really romantic note.
<b> SPIKE
</b> Point taken.
He heads back up the stairs... talks as he changes...
<b> SPIKE
</b> I suspect you'll prefer the next one.
And he re-enters in a white t-shirt, with a large arrow,
pointing down to his flies, saying, 'Get It Here.'
<b> SPIKE
</b> Cool, huh?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Yes -- she might think you don't have
true love on your mind.
<b> SPIKE
</b> Wouldn't want that...
(and back up he goes)
Okay -- just one more.
He comes down wearing it. Lots of hearts, saying, 'You're the
most beautiful woman in the world.'
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Well, yes, that's perfect. Well
done.
<b> SPIKE
</b> Thanks. Great. Wish me luck.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Good luck.
Spike turns and walks upstairs proudly. Revealing that on the
back of the t-shirt, also printed in big letters, is written
'Fancy a fuck?'
<b> EXT. PORTOBELLO ROAD - DAY
</b>
<b> WILLIAM (V.O.)
</b> And so it was just another hopeless
Wednesday, as I set off through the
market to work, little suspecting
that this was the day which would
change my life forever. This is
work, by the way, my little travel
book shop...
A small unpretentious store... named 'The Travel Book Co.'
<b> WILLIAM (V.O.)
</b> ... which, well, sells travel books
-- and, to be frank with you, doesn't
always sell many of those.
William enters.
<b> INT. THE BOOKSHOP - DAY
</b>
It is a small shop, slightly chaotic, bookshelves everywhere,
with little secret bits round corners with even more books.
Martin, William's sole employee, is waiting enthusiastically.
He is very keen, an uncrushable optimist. Perhaps without
cause. A few seconds later, William stands gloomily behind the
desk.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Classic. Absolutely classic.
Profit from major sales push -- minus
347.
<b> MARTIN
</b> Shall I go get a cappuccino? Ease the
pain.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Yes, better get me a half. All I can
afford.
<b> MARIN
</b> I get your logic. Demi-capu coming up.
He salutes and bolts out the door -- as he does, a woman walks in.
We only just glimpse her.
Cut to William working. He looks up casually. And sees
something. His reaction is hard to read. After a pause...
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Can I help you?
It is Anna Scott, the biggest movie star in the world -- here --
in his shop. The most divine, subtle, beautiful woman on earth.
When she speaks she is very self-assured and self-contained.
<b> ANNA
</b> No, thanks. I'll just look around.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Fine.
She wanders over to a shelf as he watches her -- and picks out a
quite smart coffee table book.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> That book's really not good -- just
in case, you know, browsing turned to
buying. You'd be wasting your money.
<b> ANNA
</b> Really?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Yes. This one though is... very
good.
He picks up a book on the counter.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> I think the man who wrote it has
actually been to Turkey, which helps.
There's also a very amusing incident
with a kebab.
<b> ANNA
</b> Thanks. I'll think about it.
William suddenly spies something odd on the small TV monitor
beside him.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> If you could just give me a second.
Her eyes follow him as he moves toward the back of the shop and
approaches a man in slightly ill-fitting clothes.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Excuse me.
<b> THIEF
</b> Yes.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Bad news.
<b> THIEF
</b> What?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> We've got a security camera in this
bit of the shop.
<b> THIEF
</b> So?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> So, I saw you put that book down your
trousers.
<b> THIEF
</b> What book?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> The one down your trousers.
<b> THIEF
</b> I haven't got a book down my trousers.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Right -- well, then we have something
of an impasse. I tell you what --
I'll call the police -- and, what can
I say? -- If I'm wrong about the whole
book-down-the-trousers scenario, I
really apologize.
<b> THIEF
</b> Okay -- what if I did have a book down
my trousers?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Well, ideally, when I went back to
the desk, you'd remove the Cadogan
guide to Bali from your trousers, and
either wipe it and put it back, or
buy it. See you in a sec.
He returns to his desk. In the monitor we just glimpse, as does
William, the book coming out of the trousers and put back on the
shelves. The thief drifts out towards the door. Anna, who has
observed all this, is looking at a blue book on the counter.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Sorry about that...
<b> ANNA
</b> No, that's fine. I was going to
steal one myself but now I've changed
my mind. Signed by the author, I see.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Yes, we couldn't stop him. If you
can find an unsigned copy, it's
worth an absolute fortune.
She smiles. Suddenly the thief is there.
<b> THIEF
</b> Excuse me.
<b> ANNA
</b> Yes.
<b> THIEF
</b> Can I have your autograph?
<b> ANNA
</b> What's your name?
<b> THIEF
</b> Rufus.
She signs his scruffy piece of paper. He tries to read it.
<b> THIEF
</b> What does it say?
<b> ANNA
</b> Well, that's the signature -- and
above, it says 'Dear Rufus -- you
belong in jail.'
<b> THIEF
</b> Nice one. Would you like my phone
number?
<b> ANNA
</b> Tempting but... no, thank you.
Thief leaves.
<b> ANNA
</b> I think I will try this one.
She hands William a 20 note and the book he said was rubbish.
He talks as he handles the transaction.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Oh -- right -- on second thoughts
maybe it wasn't that bad. Actually
-- it's a sort of masterpiece really.
None of those childish kebab
stories you get in so many travel
books these days. And I'll throw in
one of these for free.
He drops in one of the signed books.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Very useful for lighting fires,
wrapping fish, that sort of things.
She looks at him with a slight smile.
<b> ANNA
</b> Thanks.
And leaves. She's out of his life forever. William is a little
dazed. Seconds later Martin comes back in.
<b> MARTIN
</b> Cappuccino as ordered.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Thanks. I don't think you'll believe
who was just in here.
<b> MARTIN
</b> Who? Someone famous?
But William's innate natural English discretion takes over.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> No. No-one -- no-one.
They set about drinking their coffees.
<b> MARTIN
</b> Would be exciting if someone famous
did come into the shop though,
wouldn't it? Do you know -- this is
pretty incredible actually -- I once
saw Ringo Starr. Or at least I think
it was Ringo. It might have been
that broke from 'Fiddler On The Roof,'
Toppy.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Topol.
<b> MARTIN
</b> That's right -- Topol.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> But Ringo Starr doesn't look
anything like Topol.
<b> MARTIN
</b> No, well... he was quite a long way
away.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> So it could have been neither of them?
<b> MARTIN
</b> I suppose so.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Right. It's not a classic anecdotes,
is it?
<b> MARTIN
</b> Not classic, no.
Martin shakes his head. William drains his cappuccino.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Right -- want another one?
<b> MARTIN
</b> Yes. No, wait -- let's go crazy --
I'll have an orange juice.
<b> EXT. PORTOBELLO ROAD - DAY
</b>
William sets off.
<b> INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY
</b>
William collects his juice in a coffee shop on Westbourne Park
Road.
<b> EXT. PORTOBELLO ROAD - DAY
</b>
William swings out of the little shop -- he turns the corner of
Portobello Road and bumps straight into Anna. The orange
juice, in its foam cup, flies. It soaks Anna.
<b> ANNA
</b> Oh Jesus.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Here, let me help.
He grabs some paper napkins and starts to clean it off -- getting
far too near her breasts in the panic of it...
<b> ANNA
</b> What are you doing?!
He jumps back.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Nothing, nothing... Look, I live just
over the street -- you could get
cleaned up.
<b> ANNA
</b> No thank you. I need to get my car
back.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> I also have a phone. I'm confident
that in five minutes we can have you
spick and span and back on the street
again... in the non-prostitute sense
obviously.
In his diffident way, he is confident, despite her being
genuinely annoyed. She turns and looks at him.
<b> ANNA
</b> Okay. So what does 'just over the
street' mean -- give it to me in yards.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Eighteen yards. That's my house
there.
He doesn't lie -- it is eighteen yards away. She looks down.
She looks up at him.
<b> INT. WILLIAM'S HOUSE - CORRIDOR - DAY
</b>
They enter. She carries a few stylish bags.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Come on in. I'll just...
William runs in further -- it's a mess. He kicks some old shoes
under the stairs, bins an unfinished pizza and hides a plate of
breakfast in a cupboard. She enters the kitchen.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> It's not that tidy, I fear.
And he guides her up the stairs, after taking the bag of books
from her...
<b> WILLIAM
</b> The bathroom is right at the top of
the stairs and there's a phone on the
desk up there.
She heads upstairs.
<b> INT. KITCHEN - DAY
</b>
William is tidying up frantically. Then he hears Anna's feet on
the stairs. She walks down, wearing a short, sparkling black
top beneath her leather jacket. With her trainers still on. He
is dazzled by the sight of her.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Would you like a cup of tea before
you go?
<b> ANNA
</b> No thanks.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Coffee?
<b> ANNA
</b> No.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Orange juice -- probably not.
He moves to his very empty fridge -- and offers its only contents.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Something else cold -- coke, water,
some disgusting sugary drink
pretending to have something to do
with fruits of the forest?
<b> ANNA
</b> Really, no.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Would you like something to nibble --
apricots, soaked in honey -- quite
why, no one knows -- because it stops
them tasting of apricots, and makes
them taste like honey, and if you
wanted honey, you'd just buy honey,
instead of apricots, but nevertheless
-- there we go -- yours if you want
them.
<b> ANNA
</b> No.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Do you always say 'no' to everything?
Pause. She looks at him deep.
<b> ANNA
</b> No.
(pause)
I better be going. Thanks for your
help.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> You're welcome and, may I also say...
heavenly.
It has taken a lot to get this out loud. He is not a smooth-
talking man.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Take my one chance to say it. After
you've read that terrible book,
you're certainly not going to be
coming back to the shop.
She smiles. She's cool.
<b> ANNA
</b> Thank you.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Yes. Well. My pleasure.
He guides her towards the door.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Nice to meet you. Surreal but nice.
In a slightly awkward moment, he shows her out the door. He
closes the door and shakes his head in wonder. Then...
<b> WILLIAM
</b> 'Surreal but nice.' What was I
thinking?
... He shakes his head again in horror and wanders back along
the corridor in silence. There's a knock on the door. He moves
back, casually...
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Coming.
He opens the door. It's her.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Oh hi. Forget something?
<b> ANNA
</b> I forgot my bag.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Oh right.
He shoots into the kitchen and picks up the forgotten shopping
bag. Then returns and hands it to her.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Here we go.
<b> ANNA
</b> Thanks. Well...
They stand in that corridor -- in that small space. Second time
saying goodbye. A strange feeling of intimacy. She leans
forward and she kisses him. Total silence. A real sense of the
strangeness of those lips, those famous lips on his. They part.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> I apologize for the 'surreal but nice'
comment. Disaster...
<b> ANNA
</b> Don't worry about it. I thought the
apricot and honey business was the
real lowpoint.
Suddenly there is a clicking of a key in the lock.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Oh my God. My flatmate. I'm sorry --
there's no excuse for him.
Spike walks in.
<b> SPIKE
</b> Hi.
<b> ANNA
</b> Hi.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Hi.
Spike walks past unsuspiciously and heads into the kitchen.
<b> SPIKE
</b> I'm just going to go into the kitchen
to get some food -- and then I'm going
to tell you a story that will make your
balls shrink to the size of raisins.
And leaves them in the corridor.
<b> ANNA
</b> Probably best not tell anyone about
this.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Right. No one. I mean, I'll tell
myself sometimes but... don't worry
-- I won't believe it.
<b> ANNA
</b> Bye.
And she leaves, with just a touch of William's hand. Spike
comes out of the kitchen, eating something white out of a
styrofoam container with a spoon.
<b> SPIKE
</b> There's something wrong with this
yogurt.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> It's not yogurt -- it's mayonnaise.
<b> SPIKE
</b> Well, there you go.
(takes another big spoonful)
On for a video fest tonight? I've
got some absolute classic.
<b> INT. WILLIAM'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
</b>
The lights are off. William and Spike on the couch, just the
light from the TV playing on their faces. Cut to the TV full
screen. There is Anna. She is in a stylish Woody Allen type
modern romantic comedy, 'Gramercy Park,' in black and white.
<b> INT. MANHATTAN ART GALLERY - DAY
</b>
Anna's character -- Woody Anna -- is walking around the gallery
with her famous co-star, Michael. They should be the perfect
couple, but there is tension. Anna is not happy.
<b> MICHAEL
</b> Smile.
<b> ANNA
</b> No.
<b> MICHAEL
</b> Smile.
<b> ANNA
</b> I've got nothing to smile about.
<b> MICHAEL
</b> Okay in about 7 seconds, I'm going to
ask you to marry me.
And after a couple of seconds -- wow -- she smiles.
<b> INT. WILLIAM'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
</b>
<b> SPIKE
</b> Imagine -- somewhere in the world
there's a man who's allowed to kiss
her.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Yes, she is fairly fabulous.
<b> INT. BOOKSHOP - DAY
</b>
The next day. William and Martin quietly co-existing. An annoy-
ing customer enters. Mr. Smith.
<b> MR. SMITH
</b> Do you have any books by Dickens?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> No, we're a travel bookshop. We only
sell travel books.
<b> MR. SMITH
</b> Oh right. How about that new John
Grisham thriller?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> No, that's a novel too.
<b> MR. SMITH
</b> Oh right. Have you got a copy of
'Winnie the Pooh'?
Pause.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Martin -- your customer.
<b> MARTIN
</b> Can I help you?
William looks up. At that moment the entire window is suddenly
taken up by the huge side of a bus, obscuring the light -- and
entirely covered with a portrait of Anna -- from her new film,
'Helix.'
<b> INT. WILLIAM'S HOUSE - CONDOR/LIVING ROOM - DAY
</b>
William heads upstairs and pauses. Spike coming down, wearing
full body scuba diving gear.
<b> SPIKE
</b> Hey.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Hi...
<b> INT. WILLIAM'S KITCHEN - DAY
</b>
The two of them fixing a cup of tea in the kitchen.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Just incidentally -- why are you
wearing that?
<b> SPIKE
</b> Ahm -- combination of factors really.
No clean clothes...
<b> WILLIAM
</b> There never will be, you know, unless
you actually clean your clothes.
<b> SPIKE
</b> Right. Vicious circle. And then I was
like rooting around in your things,
and found this, and I thought -- cool.
Kind of spacey.
<b> EXT. WILLIAM'S TERRACE - DAY
</b>
The two of them on the rooftop terrace, passing the day.
William is reading 'The bookseller.' The terrace is small and
the plants aren't great -- but it overlooks London in a rather
wonderful way. Spike still in scuba gear, goggles on.
<b> SPIKE
</b> There's something wrong with the
goggles though...
<b> WILLIAM
</b> No, they were prescription, so I could
see all the fishes properly.
<b> SPIKE
</b> Groovy. You should do more of this
stuff.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> So -- any messages?
<b> SPIKE
</b> Yeh, I wrote a couple down.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Two? That's it?
<b> SPIKE
</b> You want me to write down all your
messages?
William closes his eyes in exasperation.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Who were the ones you didn't write
down from?
<b> SPIKE
</b> Ahm let's see -- ahm. No. Gone
completely. Oh no, wait. There was --
one from your mum: she said don't
forget lunch and her leg's hurting
again.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Right. No one else?
<b> SPIKE
</b> Absolutely not.
Spike leans back and relaxes.
<b> SPIKE
</b> Though if we're going for this
obsessive writing-down-all-messages
thing -- some American girl called
Anna called a few days ago.
William freezes -- then looks at Spike.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> What did she say?
<b> SPIKE
</b> Well, it was genuinely bizarre...
she said, hi -- it's Anna -- and then
she said, call me at the Ritz -- and
then gave herself a completely
different name.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Which was?
<b> SPIKE
</b> Absolutely no idea. Remembering one
name's bad enough...
<b> INT. WILLIAM'S LIVING ROOM - DAY
</b>
William on the phone. We hear the formal man at the other end of
the phone. And then intercut with him.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Hello.
<b> RITZ MAN (V.O.)
</b> May I help you, sir?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Ahm, look this is a very odd
situation. I'm a friend of Anna
Scott's -- and she rang me at home the
day before yesterday -- and left a
message saying she's staying with
you...
<b> INT. RITZ RECEPTION - DAY
</b>
<b> RITZ MAN
</b> I'm sorry, we don't have anyone of
that name here, sir.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> No, that's right -- I know that. She
said she's using another name -- but
the problem is she left the message
with my flatmate, which was a serious
mistake.
<b> INT. WILLIAM'S LIVING ROOM
</b>
WILLIAM (cont'd)
Imagine if you will the stupidest
person you've ever met -- are you
doing that...?
Spike happens to be in the foreground of this shot. He's read-
ing a newspaper.
<b> RITZ MAN
</b> Yes, sir. I have him in my mind.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> And then double it -- and that is the
-- what can I say -- git I'm living
with and he cannot remember...
<b> SPIKE
</b> Try 'Flintstone.'
<b> WILLIAM
</b> (to Spike)
What?
<b> SPIKE
</b> I think she said her name was
'Flintstone.'
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Does 'Flintstone' mean anything to
you?
<b> RITZ MAN
</b> I'll put you right through, sir.
Flintstone is indeed the magic word.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Oh my God.
He practices how to sound.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Hello. Hi. Hi.
<b> ANNA (V.O.)
</b> Hi.
We hear her voice -- don't see her.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> (caught out)
Oh hi. It's William Thacker. We,
ahm I work in a bookshop.
<b> ANNA (V.O.)
</b> You played it pretty cool here,
waiting for three days to call.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> No, I've never played anything cool
in my entire life. Spike, who I'll
stab to death later, never gave me the
message.
<b> ANNA (V.O.)
</b> Oh -- Okay.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Perhaps I could drop round for tea or
something?
<b> ANNA (V.O.)
</b> Yeh -- unfortunately, things are
going to be pretty busy, but... okay,
let's give it a try. Four o'clock
could be good.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Right. Great.
(he hangs up)
Classic. Classic.
<b> EXT. RITZ - DAY
</b>
William jumps off a bus and walks toward the Ritz. He carries a
small bunch of roses.
<b> INT. RITZ HOTEL - DAY
</b>
He approaches the lifts. At the lift, he pushes the button and
the doors open. As he is getting in, William is joined by a young
man. His name is Tarquin.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Which floor?
<b> TARQUIN
</b> Three.
William pushes the button. They wait for the doors to close.
<b> INT. RITZ CORRIDOR - DAY
</b>
The lift lands. William gets out. So does Tarquin. Rooms
30-35 are to the left. 35-39 to the right. William heads right.
So does Tarquin.
William is puzzled. He slows down as he approaches room 38. So
does Tarquin. William spots, so does Tarquin. William points
at the number.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Are you sure you...?
<b> TARQUIN
</b> Yes.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Oh. Right.
He knocks. A bright, well-tailored American girl opens the door.
<b> KAREN
</b> Hello, I'm Karen. Sorry -- things
are running a bit late. Here's the
thing...
She hands them a very slick, expensively produced press kits,
with the poster picture of Anna, for the film 'Helix.'
<b> INT. THE TRAFALGAR SUITE ANTE-ROOM - DAY
</b>
A few seconds later -- they enter the main waiting room. There
are a number of journalists waiting for their audience.
<b> KAREN
</b> What did you think of the film?
<b> TARQUIN
</b> Marvellous. 'Close Encounters'
meets 'Jean De Florette.' Oscar-
winning stuff.
They both turn to William for his opinion.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> I agree.
<b> KAREN
</b> I'm sorry. I didn't get down what
magazines you're from.
<b> TARQUIN
</b> 'Time Out.'
<b> KAREN
</b> Great. And you...
<b> WILLIAM
</b> (seeing it on a coffee
table)
'Horse and Hound.' The name's
William Whacker. I think she might
be expecting me.
<b> KAREN
</b> Okay -- take a seat. I'll check.
They sit down as Karen goes off.
<b> TARQUIN
</b> You've brought her flowers?
William goes for the cover-up.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> No -- they're... for my grandmother.
She's in a hospital nearby. Thought
I'd kill two birds with one stone.
<b> TARQUIN
</b> I'm sorry. Which hospital?
Pause. He's in trouble.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Do you mind me not saying -- it's a
rather distressing disease and the
name of the hospital rather gives it
away.
<b> TARQUIN
</b> Oh sure. Of course.
<b> KAREN
</b> Mr. Thacker.
Saved by the bell.
<b> INT. TRAFALGAR SUIT CORRIDOR - DAY
</b>
<b> KAREN
</b> You've got five minutes.
He is shown in through big golden doors. Karen stays outside.
<b> INT. THE TRAFALGAR SUITE SITTING ROOM - DAY
</b>
There Anna is, framed in the window. Glorious.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Hi.
<b> ANNA
</b> Hello.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> I brought these, but clearly...
There are lots of other flowers in the room.
<b> ANNA
</b> Oh no, ho -- these are great.
A fair amount of tension. These two people hardly know each
other -- and the first and last time they met, they kissed.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Sorry about not ringing back. The
whole two-names concept was totally too
much for my flatman's pea-sized
intellect.
<b> ANNA
</b> No, it's a stupid privacy thing. I
always choose a cartoon character --
last time out, I was Mrs. Bambi.
At which moment Jeremy, Karen's boss, comes in. A fairly grave,
authoritative fifty-year-old PR man consulting a list.
<b> JEREMY
</b> Everything okay?
<b> ANNA
</b> Yes, thanks.
<b> JEREMY
</b> And you are from 'Horse and Hound'
magazine?
William nods.
<b> ANNA
</b> Is that so?
William shrugs his shoulders. Jeremy settles at a little desk
in the corner and makes notes. A pause. William feels he has to
act the part. They sit in chairs opposite each other.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> So I'll just fire away, shall I?
Anna nods.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Right. Ahm... the film's great...
and I just wondered -- whether you
ever thought of having more...
horses in it?
<b> ANNA
</b> Ahm -- well -- we would have liked to
-- but it was difficult, obviously,
being set in space.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Obviously. Very difficult.
Jeremy leaves.
William puts his head in his hands. He was panic.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> I'm sorry -- I arrived outside -- they
thrust this thing into my hand -- I
didn't know what to do.
<b> ANNA
</b> No, it's my fault, I thought this
would all be over by now. I just
wanted to sort of apologize for the
kissing thing. I seriously don't
know what got in to me. I just wanted
to make sure you were fine about it.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Absolutely fine about it.
Re-enter Jeremy.
<b> JEREMY
</b> Do remember that Miss Scott is also
keen to talk about her next project,
which is shooting later in the summer.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Oh yes -- excellent. Ahm -- any horses
in that one? Or hounds, of course. Our
readers are equally intrigued by both
species.
<b> ANNA
</b> It takes place on a submarine.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Yes. Right... But if there were horses,
would you be riding them yourself or
would you be getting a stunt horse person
double sort of thing?
Jeremy exits.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> I'm just a complete moron. Sorry.
This is the sort of thing that happens
in dreams -- not in real life. Good
dreams, obviously -- it's a dream to
see you.
<b> ANNA
</b> And what happens next in the dream?
It's a challenge.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Well, I suppose in the dream dream
scenario. I just... ahm, change my
personality, because you can do that
in dreams, and walk across and kiss the
girl but you know it'll never happen.
Pause. Then they move towards each other when... Jeremy
enters.
<b> JEREMY
</b> Time's up, I'm afraid. Sorry it was
so short. Did you get what you wanted?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Very nearly.
<b> JEREMY
</b> Maybe time for one last question?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Right.
Jeremy goes out -- it's their last seconds.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Are you busy tonight?
<b> ANNA
</b> Yes.
They look at each other. Jeremy enters, with another journalists
in tow. Anna and William stand and shake hands formally.
<b> ANNA
</b> Well, it was nice to meet you.
Surreal but nice.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Thank you. You are 'Horse and Hound's'
favorite actress. You and Black
Beauty. Tied.
<b> INT. TRAFALGAR SUITE CORRIDOR - DAY
</b>
William exits fairly despondent and heads for the door. Tarquin
is in the corridor calling on his mobile phone.
<b> TARQUIN
</b> How was she?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Fabulous.
<b> TARQUIN
</b> Wait a minute -- she took your
grandmother's flowers?
William can't think his way out of this.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Yes. That's right. Bitch.
He turns to go, but is accosted by Karen.
<b> KAREN
</b> If you'd like to come with me we can
rush you through the others.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> The others?
<b> INT. RITZ INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY
</b>
<b> KAREN
</b> Mr. Thacker's from 'Horse and Hound.'
A forty-year-old actor with great presence warmly shakes
William's hand.
<b> MALE LEAD
</b> Pleased to meet you. Did you like the
film?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Ah... yes, enormously.
<b> MALE LEAD
</b> Well, fire away.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Right, right. Ahm -- did you enjoy
making the film?
<b> MALE LEAD
</b> I did.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Any bit in particular?
<b> MALE LEAD
</b> Well, you tell me which bit you liked
most -- and I'll tell you if I enjoyed
making it.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Ahm right, right, I liked the bit in
space very much. Did you enjoy
making that bit?
<b> INT. RITZ INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY
</b>
Same room same seat, minutes later, with a monolingual foreign
actor and an interpreter.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Did you identify with the character
you were playing?
<b> INTERPRETER
</b> Te identicaste con el personaje que
interpretabas?
<b> FOREIGN ACTOR
</b> No.
<b> INTERPRETER
</b> No.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Ah. Why not?
<b> INTERPRETER
</b> Por que no?
<b> FOREIGN ACTOR
</b> Porque es un robot carnivoro
psicopata.
<b> INTERPRETER
</b> Because he is playing a psychopathic
flesh-eating robot.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Classic.
<b> INT. RITZ INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY
</b>
And now William is sitting opposite an eleven-year-old American
girl.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Is this your first film?
<b> GIRL
</b> No -- it's my 22nd.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Of course it is. Any favourite among
the 22?
<b> GIRL
</b> Working with Leonardo.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Da Vinci?
<b> GIRL
</b> Di Caprio.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Of course. And is he your favourite
Italian film director?
<b> INT. RITZ CORRIDOR - DAY
</b>
William emerges traumatized into the corridor. It is full of
camera crews. And there is Karen.
<b> KAREN
</b> Mr. Thacker?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> (so weary)
Yes?
<b> KAREN
</b> Have you got a moment?
<b> INT. ANNA'S SUITE SITTING ROOM - DAY
</b>
They knock on her door.
<b> ANNA (V.O.)
</b> Come in.
William enters. A certain nervousness. They are alone again.
<b> ANNA
</b> Ahm. That thing I was doing tonight
-- I'm not doing it any more. I told
them I had to spend the evening with
Britain's premier equestrian
journalist.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Oh well, great. Perfect. Oh no --
shittity brickitty -- it's my sister's
birthday -- shit -- we're meant to be
having dinner.
<b> ANNA
</b> Okay -- fine.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> But no, I'm sure I can get out of it.
<b> ANNA
</b> No, I mean, if it's fine with you,
I'll, you know, be your date.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> You'll be my date at my little sister's
birthday party?
<b> ANNA
</b> If that's all right.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> I'm sure it's all right. My friend
Max is cooking and he's acknowledged
to be the worst cook in the world, but
you know, you could hide the food in
your handbag or something.
<b> ANNA
</b> Okay.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Okay.
<b> INT. MAX AND BELLA'S KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
</b>
Bella and Max are in the kitchen.
<b> MAX
</b> He's bringing a girl?
<b> BELLA
</b> Miracles do happen.
<b> MAX
</b> Does the girl have a name?
<b> BELLA
</b> He wouldn't say.
<b> MAX
</b> Christ, what is going on in there?
The oven seems to be smoking a little. Then the bell rings.
MAX (cont'd)
Oh God.
It's bad timing. Max shoots out of the kitchen.
<b> INT. MAX AND BELLA'S CORRIDOR - NIGHT
</b>
Max heads for the door impatiently. He opens it and turns back
without looking at William and Anna standing there.
<b> MAX
</b> Come on in. Vague food crisis.
William and Anna move along the corridor to the kitchen.
<b> INT. MAX AND BELLA'S KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
</b>
Bella is there.
<b> BELLA
</b> Hiya -- sorry -- the guinea fowl is
proving more complicated than
expected.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> He's cooking guinea fowl?
<b> BELLA
</b> Don't even ask.
<b> ANNA
</b> Hi.
<b> BELLA
</b> Hi. Good Lord -- you're the spitting
image of...
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Bella -- this is Anna.
<b> BELLA
</b> Right.
(pause)
<b> MAX
</b> Okay. Crisis over.
He rises from his stove position.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Max. This is Anna.
<b> MAX
</b> Hello, Anna ahm...
(He recognizes her -- the
word just falls out)
Scott -- have some wine.
<b> ANNA
</b> Thank you.
Door bell goes.
<b> INT. MAX AND BELLA'S CORRIDOR - NIGHT
</b>
Max opens the door -- it is Honey.
<b> MAX
</b> Hi.
She does a little pose, having worn a real party dress.
<b> MAX
</b> Yes, Happy Birthday.
They head back along the corridor.
<b> MAX
</b> Look, your brother has brought this
girl, and ahm...
<b> INT. MAX AND BELLA'S KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
</b>
They enter the kitchen.
<b> HONEY
</b> Hi guys.
(sees Anna)
Oh holy fuck.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Hun -- this is Anna. Anna -- this is
Honey -- she's my baby sitter.
<b> ANNA
</b> Hiya.
<b> HONEY
</b> Oh God this is one of those key moments
in life, when it's possible you can be
really, genuinely cool -- and I'm going
to fail a hundred percent. I absolutely
and totally and utterly adore you and I
think you're the most beautiful woman
in the world and more importantly I
genuinely believe and have believed for
some time now that we can be best
friends. What do you think?
<b> ANNA
</b> Ahm... I think that sounds -- you know
-- lucky me. Happy Birthday.
She hands her a present.
<b> HONEY
</b> Oh my God. You gave me a present.
We're best friends already. Marry
Will -- he's a really nice guy and
then we can be sisters.
<b> ANNA
</b> I'll think about it.
The front door bell goes.
<b> MAX
</b> That'll be Bernie.
He heads out into the corridor to the front door.
<b> INT. MAX AND BELLA'S CORRIDOR - NIGHT
</b>
Max opens the door.
<b> MAX
</b> Hello, Bernie.
<b> BERNIE
</b> I'm sorry I'm so late. Bollocksed up
at work again, I fear. Millions down
the drain.
<b> INT. MAX AND BELLA'S KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
</b>
They enter the room.
<b> MAX
</b> Bernie -- this is Anna.
<b> BERNIE
</b> Hello, Anna. Delighted to meet you.
Doesn't recognize her -- turns to Honey.
<b> BERNIE
</b> Honey Bunny -- happy birthday to you.
(hands her a present)
It's a hat. You don't have to wear
it or anything.
<b> INT. MAX AND BELLA'S KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
</b>
A minute or two later -- they are standing, drinking wine before
dinner. Bernie with Anna on their own -- William helping Max in
the kitchen.
<b> MAX
</b> You haven't slept with her, have you?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> That is a cheap question and the answer
is, of course, no comment.
<b> MAX
</b> 'No comment' means 'yes.'
<b> WILLIAM
</b> No, it doesn't.
<b> MAX
</b> Do you ever masturbate?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Definitely no comment.
<b> MAX
</b> You see -- it means 'yes.'
Then on to Bernie's conversation.
<b> BERNIE
</b> So tell me Anna -- what do you do?
<b> ANNA
</b> I'm an actress.
<b> BERNIE
</b> Splendid. I'm actually in the stock-
market, so not really similar fields,
though I have done some amateur stuff
-- P.G. Wodehouse, you know -- farce,
all that. 'Ooh -- careful there,
vicar.' Always imagined it's a
pretty tough job, though, acting.
I mean the wages are a scandal,
aren't they?
<b> ANNA
</b> Well, they can be.
<b> BERNIE
</b> I see friends from university --
clever chaps -- been in the business
longer than you -- they're scraping
by on seven, eight thousand a year.
It's no life. What sort of acting
do you do?
<b> ANNA
</b> Films mainly.
<b> BERNIE
</b> Oh splendid. Well done. How's the
pay in movies? I mean, last film you
did, what did you get paid?
<b> ANNA
</b> Fifteen million dollars.
<b> BERNIE
</b> Right. Right. So that's... fairly
good. On the high side... have you
tried the nuts?
<b> MAX
</b> Right -- I think we're ready.
They all move towards the kitchen.
<b> ANNA
</b> (to Bella)
I wonder if you could tell me where
the...?
<b> BELLA
</b> Oh, it's just down the corridor on
the right.
<b> HONEY
</b> I'll show you.
A moment's silence as they leave -- then in a split second the
others all turn to William.
<b> BELLA
</b> Quickly, quickly -- talk very quickly
what are you doing here with Anna
Scott?
<b> BERNIE
</b> Anna Scott?
<b> BELLA
</b> Yes.
<b> BERNIE
</b> The movie star?
<b> BELLA
</b> Yup.
<b> BERNIE
</b> Oh God. Oh God. Oh Goddy God.
The horror of his remembered conversation slowly unfolds.
Honey re-enters.
<b> HONEY
</b> I don't believe it. I walked into the
loo with her. I was still talking when
she started unbuttoning her jeans...
She had to ask me to leave.
<b> INT. MAX AND BELLA'S CONSERVATORY - NIGHT
</b>
A little later. They are sat at dinner. Bella next to Anna.
<b> BELLA
</b> What do you think of the guinea fowl?
<b> ANNA
</b> (whispering)
I'm a vegetarian.
<b> BELLA
</b> Oh God.
<b> INT. MAX AND BELLA'S CONSERVATORY - NIGHT
</b>
Moving on through the evening -- they are very relaxed, as they
eat dinner. A few seconds watching the evening going well -- Anna
is taking this in -- real friends -- relaxed -- easy, teasing.
And there's a cake. Honey wears Bernie's unsuitable hat. Anna
watches William laughing at something and then putting his head
in his hands with mock shame.
<b> INT. MAX AND BELLA'S CONSERVATORY - NIGHT
</b>
Coffee time.
<b> MAX
</b> Having you here, Anna, firmly
establishes what I've long suspected,
that we really are the most desperate
hot of under-achievers.
<b> BERNIE
</b> Shame!
<b> MAX
</b> I'm not saying it's a bad thing, in
fact, I think it's something we should
take pride in. I'm going to give the
last brownie as a prize to the saddest
act here.
A little pause. Then William turns to Bernie.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Bernie.
<b> BERNIE
</b> Well, obviously it's me, isn't it --
I work in the City in a job I don't
understand and everyone keeps getting
promoted above me. I haven't had a
girlfriends since... puberty and,
well, the long and short of it is,
nobody fancies me, and if these cheeks
get any chubbier, they never will.
<b> HONEY
</b> Nonsense. I fancy you. Or I did
before you got so far.
<b> MAX
</b> You see -- and unless I'm much mistaken,
your job still pays you rather a lot of
money, while Honey here, she earns
nothing flogging her guts out at
London's seediest record store.
<b> HONEY
</b> Yes. And I don't have hair -- I've got
feathers, and I've got funny goggly
eyes, and I'm attracted to cruel men and
... no one'll ever marry me because my
boosies have actually started
shrinking.
<b> MAX
</b> You see -- incredibly sad.
<b> BELLA
</b> On the other hand, her best friend is
Anna Scott.
<b> HONEY
</b> That's true, I can't deny it. She
needs me, what can I say?
<b> BELLA
</b> And most of her limbs work. Whereas
I'm stuck in its thing day and night,
in a house full of ramps. And to add
insult to serious injury -- I've
totally given up smoking, my favourite
thing, and the truth is... we can't
have a baby.
Dead silence.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Bella.
Bella shrugs her shoulders. Bernie is totally grief-struck.
<b> BERNIE
</b> No. Not true...
<b> BELLA
</b> C'est la vie... We're lucky in lots
of ways, but... Surely it's worth a
brownie.
William reaches for her hand. Max breaks the sombre mood.
<b> MAX
</b> Well, I don't know. Look at
William. Very unsuccessful
professionally. Divorced. Used to
be handsome, now kind of squidgy
around the edges -- and absolutely
certain never to hear from Anna again
after she's heard that his nickname
at school was Floppy.
They all laugh. Anna smiles across at William.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> So I get the brownie?
<b> MAX
</b> I think you do, yes.
<b> ANNA
</b> Wait a minute. What about me?
<b> MAX
</b> I'm sorry? You think you deserve the
brownie?
<b> ANNA
</b> Well... a shot at it.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> You'll have to prove it. This is a
great brownie and I'm going to fight
for it. State your claim.
<b> ANNA
</b> Well, I've been on a diet since I was
nineteen, which means basically I've
been hungry for a decade. I've had a
sequence of not nice boyfriends -- one
of whom hit me: and every time my heart
gets broken it gets splashed across
the newspapers as entertainment.
Meantime, it cost millions to get me
looking like this...
<b> HONEY
</b> Really?
<b> ANNA
</b> Really -- and one day, not long from
now...
While she says this, quiet settles around the table. The thing
is -- she sort of means it and is opening up to them.
<b> ANNA
</b> ... my looks will go, they'll find out
I can't act and I'll become a sad
middle-aged woman who looks a bit like
someone who was famous for a while.
Silence... they all look at her... then.
<b> MAX
</b> Nah!!! Nice try, gorgeous -- but you
don't fool anyone.
The mood is instantly broken. They all laugh.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Pathetic effort to hog the brownie.
<b> INT. MAX AND BELLA'S KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM/CORRIDOR - NIGHT
</b>
Anna and William are leaving.
<b> ANNA
</b> That was such a great evening.
<b> MAX
</b> I'm delighted.
He holds out his hand to shake. She kisses him on the cheek.
He stumbles back with joy.
<b> ANNA
</b> And may I say that's a gorgeous tie.
<b> MAX
</b> Now you're lying.
<b> ANNA
</b> You're right. I told you I was bad
at acting.
Max loves this.
<b> ANNA
</b> (to Bella)
Lovely to meet you.
<b> BELLA
</b> And you. I'll wait till you've gone
before I tell him you're a
vegetarian.
<b> MAX
</b> No!
<b> ANNA
</b> Night, night, Honey.
<b> HONEY
</b> I'm so sorry about the loo thing.
I meant to leave but I just...
look, ring me if you need someone to
go shopping with. I know lots of
nice, cheap places... not that money
necessarily...
(gives up)
nice to meet you.
And Honey gives her a huge hug.
<b> ANNA
</b> You too -- from now on you are my
style guru.
Anna and William head out... Bernie tries to save some dignity.
<b> BERNIE
</b> Love your work.
They move to the door and wave goodbye.
<b> EXT. MAX AND BELLA'S HOUSE - NIGHT
</b>
William and Anna step outside. From inside they hear a massive
and hysterical scream of the friends letting out their true
feelings. William is a little embarrassed.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Sorry -- they always do that when I
leave the house.
The house is in Lansdowne Road, on the edge of Notting Hill.
They walk for a moment. A bit of silence.
<b> ANNA
</b> Floppy, huh?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> It's the hair! It's to do with the
hair.
<b> ANNA
</b> Why is she in a wheelchair?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> It was an accident -- about eighteen
months ago.
<b> ANNA
</b> And the pregnancy thing -- is that to
do with the accident?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> You know, I'm not sure. I don't
think they'd tried for kids before,
as fate would have it.
They walk in silence for a moment. Then...
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Would you like to come... my house is
just...?
She smiles and shakes her head.
<b> ANNA
</b> Too complicated.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> That's fine.
<b> ANNA
</b> Busy tomorrow?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> I thought you were leaving.
<b> ANNA
</b> I was.
<b> EXT. NOTTING HILL GARDEN - NIGHT
</b>
A little later in the walk.
<b> ANNA
</b> What's in there?
They are now walking by a five foot railing, with foliage
behind it.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Gardens. All these streets round
here have these mysterious communal
gardens in the middle of them.
They're like little villages.
<b> ANNA
</b> Let's go in.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Ah no -- that's the point -- they're
private villages -- only the people
who live round the edges are allowed
in.
<b> ANNA
</b> You abide by rules like that?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Ahm...
Her look makes it clear that she is waiting with interest on
the answer to this.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Heck no -- other people do -- but not
me -- I just do what I want.
He rattles the gate, then starts his climb -- but doesn't quite
make it, and falls back onto the pavement...
<b> WILLIAM
</b> (casually)
Whoopsidaisies.
<b> ANNA
</b> What did you say?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Nothing.
<b> ANNA
</b> Yes, you did.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> No, I didn't.
<b> ANNA
</b> You said 'whoopsidaisies.'
Tiny pause.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> I don't think so. No one has said
'whoopsidaisies,' do they -- I mean
unless they're...
<b> ANNA
</b> There's no 'unless.' No one has said
"whoopsidaisies" for fifty years and
even then it was only little girls
with blonde ringlets.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Exactly. Here we go again.
He fails, and unfortunately, spontaneously...
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Whoopsidaisies.
They look at each other.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> It's a disease I've got -- it's a
clinical thing. I'm taking pills and
having injections -- it won't last
long.
<b> ANNA
</b> Step aside.
She starts to climb.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Actually be careful Anna -- it's
harder than it looks...
But she's already almost over.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Oh no it's not -- it's easy.
A few seconds later. Anna jumps down into the garden.
<b> ANNA
</b> Come on, Flops.
William clambers over with terrible difficulty, dusts himself
off, and heads towards where she stands.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Now seriously -- what in the world
in this garden could make that
ordeal worthwhile?
She leans forward -- and, for the firs time since the first
time -- she kisses him. This time a proper kiss. A tiny pause.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Nice garden.
<b> EXT. MAGIC GARDEN - NIGHT
</b>
They walk around the garden. It's a moonlit dream. We see
the lights of the houses that surround the garden. They come
across a single, simple wooden bench.
<b> ANNA
</b> 'For June, who loved this garden --
from Joseph who always sat beside
her.'
We cut in and see an inscription carved into the wood. She
doesn't read the dates, carved below -- 'June Wetherby, 1917
- 1992.' She is slightly chocked by it.
<b> ANNA
</b> Some people do spend their whole
lives together.
He nods. They are standing on either side of the bench,
looking at each other. The camera glides away from them, up
into the night sky, leaving them alone in the garden. Music
plays.
<b> INT. WILLIAM'S LIVING ROOM - EVENING
</b>
William in a towel rushes downstairs, having just had a shower.
He shoots past Spike.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks. Have
you seen my glasses?
<b> SPIKE
</b> No, 'fraid not.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Bollocks.
(still searching --
with no help from
Spike)
This happens every time I go to the
cinema. Average day, my glasses are
everywhere -- everywhere I look,
glasses. But the moment I need them
they disappear. It's one of life's
real cruelties.
<b> SPIKE
</b> That's compared to, like,
earthquakes in the Far East or
testicular cancer?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Oh shit, is that the time? I have to
go.
<b> INT. WILLIAM'S LIVING ROOM/CORRIDOR - EVENING
</b>
He sprints downstairs, now fully dressed.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> (not meaning it)
Thanks for your help on the glasses
thing.
<b> SPIKE
</b> (sincerely)
You're welcome. Did you find them?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Sort of.
<b> INT. CINEMA - NIGHT
</b>
Mid-film. We move across the audience. And there is in the
middle of it, we see Anna, watching the screen, and next to
her, William, watching the film keenly, through his scuba-
diving goggles.
<b> INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT
</b>
A very smart Japanese restaurant. We see Anna and William
sitting, near the end of their meal.
<b> ANNA
</b> So who left who?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> She left me.
<b> ANNA
</b> Why?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> She saw through me.
<b> ANNA
</b> Uh-oh. That's not good.
We've been aware of the conversation at a nearby table --
now we can hear it. Two slightly rowdy men.
<b> LAWRENCE
</b> No - No- No! Give me Anna Scott any
day.
William and Anna look at each other.
<b> GERALD
</b> I didn't like that last film of hers.
Fast asleep from the moment the
lights went down.
Again -- Anna reacts.
<b> LAWRENCE
</b> Don't really care what the films are
like. Any film with her in it --
fine by me.
<b> GERALD
</b> No -- not my type at all really. I
prefer that other one -- blonde --
sweet looking -- has an orgasm every
time you take her out for a cup of
coffee.
Anna mouths 'Meg Ryan.'
<b> LAWRENCE
</b> Meg Ryan.
William and Anna smile -- they're enjoying it.
<b> GERALD
</b> Drug-induced, I hear -- I believe
she's actually in rehab as we speak.
<b> LAWRENCE
</b> Whatever, she's so clearly up for it.
Anna's twinkle fades.
<b> LAWRENCE
</b> You know -- some girls, they're all
'stay away chum' but Anna, she's
absolutely gagging for it. Do you
know that in over fifty percent of
languages the word for "actress" is
the same as the word for "prostitute."
This is horrible.
<b> LAWRENCE
</b> And Anna is your definitive actress
-- someone really filthy you can just
flip over...
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Right, that's it.
He gets up and goes round the corner to the men. There are in
fact four of them, the two meeker men, Gavin and Harry, hanging
on the other guys' witty words.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> I'm sorry to disturb you guys but --
<b> LAWRENCE
</b> Can I help you?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Well, yes, I wish I hadn't overheard
your conversation -- but I did and I
just think, you know...
He's not a very convincing or frightening figure.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> ...the person you're talking about
is a real person and I think she
probably deserves a little bit more
consideration, rather than having
jerks like you drooling over her...
<b> LAWRENCE
</b> Oh sod off, mate. What are you, her
dad?
Anna suddenly appears at his side and whips him away without
being recognized.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> I'm sorry.
<b> ANNA
</b> No, that's fine. I love that you
tried... time was I'd have done the
same.
They walk on and then...
<b> ANNA
</b> In fact -- give me a second.
And she walks straight back to their table.
<b> ANNA
</b> Hi.
<b> LAWRENCE
</b> Oh my God...
<b> ANNA
</b> I'm sorry about my friend -- he's
very sensitive.
<b> LAWRENCE
</b> No, look, I'm sorry...
<b> ANNA
</b> Please, please -- let's just leave
it there. I'm sure you meant no harm,
and I'm sure it was just friendly
banter and I'm sure you dicks are all
the size of peanuts. A perfect match
for the size of your brains. Enjoy
your meal. The tuna's really good.
And she walks away. Gerald turns to Lawrence.
<b> GERALD
</b> You prick.
<b> EXT. RITZ ARCADE - NIGHT
</b>
They are walking.
<b> ANNA
</b> I shouldn't have done that. I
shouldn't have done that.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> No, you were brilliant
<b> ANNA
</b> I'm rash and I'm stupid and what
am I doing with you?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> I don't know, I'm afraid.
<b> ANNA
</b> I don't know either.
They have arrived at the end of the arcade.
<b> ANNA
</b> Here we are.
(pause)
Do you want to come up?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> (he hoes)
There seem to be lots of reasons
why I shouldn't.
<b> ANNA
</b> There are lots of reasons. Do you
want to come up?
His look says yes.
<b> ANNA
</b> Give me five minutes.
He watches her go -- and stands in the street. Music plays.
<b> INT. RITZ CORRIDOR/ANNA'S SUITE - NIGHT
</b>
William coming along the hotel corridor. He knocks on the
door.
<b> ANNA
</b> Hiya.
There's something slightly awry. He doesn't notice.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Hi.
He kisses her gently on the cheek.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> To be able to do that is such a
wonderful thing.
<b> ANNA
</b> (pause)
You've got to go.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Why?
<b> ANNA
</b> Because my boyfriend, who I thought
was in America, is in fact in the
next room.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Your boyfriend?
He is duly shocked. She's trying to be calm.
<b> ANNA
</b> Yes...
<b> JEFF (V.O.)
</b> Who is it?
Jeff drifts into view behind. He is a very famous film star and
looks the part -- well built, very handsome. Unshaven, he has
magic charm, whatever he says. Over a t-shirt, he wears a
shirt, which he unbuttons as he talks.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Ahm... room service.
<b> JEFF
</b> How you doing? I thought you guys
all wore those penguin coats.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Well, yes -- usually -- I'd just
changed to go home -- but I thought
I'd just deal with this final call.
<b> JEFF
</b> Oh great. Could you do me a favour
and try to get us some really cold
water up here?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> I'll see what I can do.
<b> JEFF
</b> Still, not sparkling.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Absolutely. Ice cold still water.
<b> JEFF
</b> Unless it's illegal in the UK to
serve liquids below room temperature:
I don't want you going to jail just
to satisfy my whims...
<b> WILLIAM
</b> No, I'm sure it'll be fine.
<b> JEFF
</b> And maybe you could just adios the
dishes and empty the trash.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Right.
And he does just that. Scoops up the two used plates and heads
to the bin.
<b> ANNA
</b> Really -- don't do that -- I'm sure
this is not his job.
<b> JEFF
</b> I'm sorry. Is this a problem?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Ah -- no. It's fine.
<b> JEFF
</b> What's your name?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Ahm... Bernie.
Jeff slips him a fiver.
<b> JEFF
</b> Thank you, Bernie.
(to Anna)
Hey -- nice surprise, or nasty
surprise?
<b> ANNA
</b> Nice surprise.
He kisses her.
<b> JEFF
</b> Liar.
(to William)
She hates surprises. What are you
ordering?
<b> ANNA
</b> I haven't decided.
<b> JEFF
</b> Well, don't over-do it. I don't want
people saying, 'There goes that
famous actor with the big, fat
girlfriend."
He wanders off taking off his t-shirt.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> I better leave.
Anna just nods.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> -- this is a fairly strange reality
to be faced with. To be honest, I
don't realize...
<b> ANNA
</b> I'm sorry... I don't know what to
say.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> I think goodbye is traditional.
<b> INT. RITZ CORRIDOR - NIGHT
</b>
William walks away.
<b> EXT. RITZ - NIGHT
</b>
William walks down the arcade outside the hotel. He is
stunned.
<b> EXT. LONDON BUS - NIGHT
</b>
William sits alone on a bus. We see him through the side
window. As it drives away, we see that the whole back of the
bus is taken up with a huge picture of Anna.
<b> INT. WILLIAM'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
</b>
He gets into his room and sits on the bed.
<b> INT. SPACESHIP - NIGHT
</b>
Space Anna, in the very hi-tech environment and a serious
moods, fastens the last clasps on her uniform. She takes a
helmet type thing, and places it on her head.
<b> INT. CONNECT CINEMA - NIGHT
</b>
Cut round to the Coronet cinema where this film is showing.
It's not full. The camera moves and finds, sitting on his
own...William. Just watching. We see a momentous flash of
light from the screen explode, reflected in his eye.
<b> INT. WILLIAM'S LIVING ROOM - EVENING
</b>
William is looking out the window, lost in thought. Spike
enters.
<b> SPIKE
</b> Come on -- open up -- this is me --
Spikey -- I'm in contact with some
quite important spiritual vibrations.
What's wrong?
Spike settles on the arm of a chair. William decides to open
up a bit...
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Well, okay. There's this girl...
<b> SPIKE
</b> Aha! I'd been getting a female vibe.
Good. Speak on, dear friend.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> She's someone I just can't -- someone
who... self-evidently can't be mine --
and it's as if I've taken love-heroin
-- and now I can't even have it again.
I've opened Pandora's box. And there's
trouble inside.
Spike nods thoughtfully.
<b> SPIKE
</b> Yeh. Yeh... tricky... tricky... I
knew a girl at school called Pandora
... never got to see her box though.
He roars with laughter. William smiles.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Thanks. Yes -- very helpful.
<b> INT. TONY'S RESTAURANT - NIGHT
</b>
Only two tables are being used. William and his friends are
on their first course. Bernie reads an "Evening Standard,"
with a picture of Anna and Jeff at Heathrow Airport.
<b> MAX
</b> You didn't know she had a boyfriend?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> No -- did you?
Their looks make it obvious that everyone did.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Bloody hell, I can't believe it --
my whole life ruined because I don't
read 'Hello' magazine.
<b> MAX
</b> Let's face facts. This was always a
no-go situation. Anna's a goddess
and you know what happens to mortals
who get involved with the gods.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Buggered?
<b> MAX
</b> Every time. But don't despair -- I
think I have the solution to your
problems.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Really?
They all look to him for wise words.
<b> MAX
</b> Her name is Tessa and she works in
the contracts department. The hair,
I admit, is unfashionable frizzy --
but she's as bright as a button and
kisses like a nymphomaniac on death
row. Apparently.
<b> INT. MAX AND BELLA'S KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
</b>
The kitchen. William is looking uneasy. A doorbell rings.
<b> MAX
</b> Now -- try.
William nods. Max heads off to the door. We stay with William
-- and just hear the door open and a voice come down the
corridor.
<b> TESSA (V.O.)
</b> I got completely lost -- it's real
difficult, isn't it? Everything's
got the word 'Kensington' in it --
Kensington Park Road, Kensington
Gardens, Kensington bloody Park
Gardens...
They reach the kitchen. Tessa is a lush girl with huge hair.
<b> MAX
</b> Tessa -- this is Bella my wife.
<b> TESSA
</b> Oh hello, you're in a wheelchair.
<b> BELLA
</b> That's right.
<b> MAX
</b> And this is William.
<b> TESSA
</b> Hello William. Max has told me
everything about you.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> (frightened)
Has he?
<b> MAX
</b> Wine?
<b> TESSA
</b> Oh yes please. Come on, Willie, let's
get sloshed.
She turns to take the wine and William has a split second to send
a message of panic to Bella. She agrees -- it's bad.
<b> INT. MAX AND BELLA'S KITCHEN/CONSERVATORY - NIGHT
</b>
Max walks over to the table. Honey, Bella, William and another
girl.
<b> MAX
</b> Keziah -- some woodcock?
<b> KEZIAH
</b> No, thank you -- I'm a fruitarian.
<b> MAX
</b> I don't realize that.
It is left to William, who has been set up here, to fill the
pause.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> And ahm -- what's a fruitarian exactly?
<b> KEZIAH
</b> We believe that fruits and vegetables
have feelings so we think cooking is
cruel. We only eat things that have
actually fallen from the tree or bush
-- that are, in fact, dead already.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Right. Right. Interesting stuff.
(pause)
So these carrots...
<b> KEZIAH
</b> Have been murdered, yes.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Murdered? Poor carrots. How beastly.
<b> INT. MAX AND BELLA'S CONSERVATORY - NIGHT
</b>
Time for coffee and chocolates. Beside William sits the final,
perfect girl. She is Rosie, quite young, smartly dressed,
open-hearted. It is just Max and William and Bella and her.
<b> ROSIE
</b> Delicious coffee.
<b> MAX
</b> Thank you. I'm sorry about the lamb.
<b> ROSIE
</b> No -- I thought it was really, you know,
interesting.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Interesting means inedible.
<b> ROSIE
</b> Really inedible -- yes that's right.
They all laugh. It's going very well.
<b> INT. MAX AND BELLA'S CORRIDOR - NIGHT
</b>
William is with Rosie by the door -- just about to say goodbye.
<b> ROSIE
</b> Maybe we'll meet again some time.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Yes. That would be... great.
She kisses him gently on the cheek. He opens the door -- she
walks out. He shuts the door quietly and heads back into the
living room...
<b> INT. MAX AND BELLA'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
</b>
Max and Bella wait excitedly.
<b> MAX
</b> Well?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> She's perfect, perfect.
<b> BELLA
</b> And?
William makes a gentle, exasperated gesture, then...
<b> WILLIAM
</b> I think you have forgotten...
(he looks at them)
what an unusual situation you have
here -- to find someone you actually
love, who'll love you -- the chances
are... always miniscule. Look at me
-- not counting the American -- I've
only loved two girls in my whole life,
both total disasters.
<b> MAX
</b> That's not fair.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> No really, one of them marries me and
then leaves me quicker than you can
say Indiana Jones -- and the other,
who seriously ought to have known
better, casually marries my best
friend.
<b> BELLA
</b> (pause)
Still loves you though.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> In a depressingly asexual way.
<b> BELLA
</b> (pause)
I never fancied you much actually...
They all roar with laughter.
<b> BELLA
</b> I mean I loved you -- you were terribly
funny. But all that kissing my ears...
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Oh no -- this is just getting worse.
I am going to find myself, 30 years
from now, still on this couch.
<b> BELLA
</b> Do you want to stay?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Why not -- all that awaits me at home
is a masturbating Welshman.
Music starts to play to take us through these silent scenes.
<b> INT. MAX AND BELLA'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
</b>
Max lifts Bella off her couch and carries her upstairs.
Mix through -- William sits on the couch downstairs -- eyes wide
open -- thinking.
<b> INT. MAX AND BELLA'S KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM - DAY
</b>
Morning. Max, all in his suit for the city... Bella kisses him
goodbye. William sees this from the kitchen. She is also
dressed for work -- and moves back into the kitchen to pack her
briefcase with law books from the kitchen table.
<b> EXT. MAX AND BELLA'S HOUSE - DAY
</b>
William emerges from the house, a little ruffled from a night
away from home, a heads off.
<b> EXT. NEWSAGENT - DAY
</b>
William walks past the newsagent, heading for home. We see,
though he doesn't, a rack of tabloid papers, all of which seem
to have very grainy, grabbed pictures of Anna on their front
page. Headlines --'Anna Stunna'-- 'It's Definitely Her!'
and 'Scott of Pantartica.'
<b> INT. WILLIAM'S BATHROOM - DAY
</b>
William is shaving. The bell goes. He heads out to answer it.
<b> EXT./INT. WILLIAM'S HOUSE -DAY
</b>
William arrives at the door and opens it. There stands a dark-
glassed Anna.
<b> ANNA
</b> Hi. Can I come in?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Come in.
She moves inside. Her hair is a mess -- her eyes are tired.
Nothing idealized.
<b> INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
</b>
The two of them.
<b> ANNA
</b> They were taken years ago -- I know
it was... well, I was poor and it
happens a lot -- that's not an excuse
-- but to make things worse, it now
appears someone was filming me as
well. So what was a stupid photo-
shoot now looks like a porno film.
And well... the pictures have been
solid and they're everywhere.
William shakes his head.
<b> ANNA
</b> I don't know where to go. The hotel
is surrounded.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> This is the place.
<b> ANNA
</b> Thank you. I'm just in London for two
days -- but, with your papers, it's the
worse place to be.
She's very shaken.
<b> ANNA
</b> These are such horrible pictures.
They're so grainy... they make me
look like...
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Don't think about it. We'll sort it
out. Now what would you like -- tea
... bath...?
<b> ANNA
</b> A bath would be great.
<b> INT. WILLIAM'S CORRIDOR - DAY
</b>
Spike enters through the front door. William doesn't hear him.
Spike is reading newspapers with the Anna pictures in it.
<b> SPIKE
</b> Christ alive... brilliant... fantastic
.... magnificent...
He heads up the stairs. Opens the bathroom door, walks in.
<b> INT. WILLIAM'S BATHROOM - DAY
</b>
Spike heads for the toilet -- undoes his zip...
<b> ANNA
</b> You must be Spike.
She's in the bath. Spike turns in shock -- and sidles out of the
bathroom.
<b> INT. WILLIAM'S CORRIDOR - DAY
</b>
Spike calms himself down. He then opens the bathroom door
again -- and looks in.
<b> INT. WILLIAM'S BATHROOM - DAY
</b>
Anna is still lying low in the bath.
<b> ANNA
</b> Hi.
<b> SPIKE
</b> Just checking.
<b> INT. CORRIDOR - DAY
</b>
Spike comes back out into the corridor. Looks to heaven.
<b> SPIKE
</b> Thank you, God.
<b> INT. WILLIAM'S KITCHEN - DAY
</b>
William and Anna at the kitchen table, eating toast, dringking
tea.
<b> ANNA
</b> I'm really sorry about last time. He
just flew in -- I had no idea -- in fact,
I had no idea if he'd ever fly in again.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> No, that's fine. It's not often one
has the opportunity to adios the plates
of a major Hollywood star. It was a
thrill for me.
(she smiles. Pause)
How is he?
<b> ANNA
</b> I don't know. It got to the point where
I couldn't remember any of the reasons
I loved him. And you... and love?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Well, there's a question -- without
an interesting answer.
<b> ANNA
</b> I have thought about you.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Oh no no -- no.
He doesn't think she has to talk about this.
<b> ANNA
</b> Just anytime I've tried to keep
things normal with anyone normal --
it's been a disaster.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> I appreciate that absolutely.
(changing subject
tactfully)
Is that the film you're doing?
<b> ANNA
</b> Yes -- start in L.A. on Tuesday.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Would you like me to take you through
your lines?
<b> ANNA
</b> Would you? It's all talk, talk, talk.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Hand it over. Basic plot?
<b> ANNA
</b> I'm a difficult but brilliant junior
officer who in about twenty minutes
will save the world from nuclear
disaster.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Well done you.
<b> EXT. TERRACE - DAY
</b>
A little later. They're in the thick of the script.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> 'Message from command. Would you like
them to send in the HKs?'
<b> ANNA
</b> 'No, turn over 4 TRS's and tell them we
need radar feedback before the KFT's
return at 19 hundred -- then inform the
Pentagon that we'll be needing black
star cover from ten hundred through
12.15' -- and don't you dare say one
word about how many mistakes I made in
that speech or I'll pelt you with
olives.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> 'Very well, captain -- I'll pass that
on straightaway.'
<b> ANNA
</b> 'Thank you.' How many mistake did I
make?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Eleven.
<b> ANNA
</b> Damn. 'And Wainwright...'
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Cartwright.
<b> ANNA
</b> 'Cartwright, Wainwright, whatever
your name is, I promised little Jimmy
I'd be home for his birthday -- could
you get a message through that I may
be a little late.'
<b> WILLIAM
</b> 'Certainly. And little Johnny?'
<b> ANNA
</b> My son's name is Johnny?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Yup.
<b> ANNA
</b> Well, get a message through to him
too.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Brilliant.
(the scene's over)
Word perfect I'd say.
<b> ANNA
</b> What do you think?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Gripping. It's not Jane Austen, it's
not Henry James, but it's gripping.
<b> ANNA
</b> You think I should do Henry James
instead?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> I'm sure you'd be great in Henry James.
But, you know -- this writer's pretty
damn good too.
<b> ANNA
</b> Yes -- I mean -- you never get anyone
in 'Wings of a Dove' having the nerve
to say 'inform the Pentagon that we
need black star cover.'
<b> WILLIAM
</b> And I think the book is the poorer for
it.
Anna smiles her biggest smile of the day. He is helping.
<b> INT. WILLIAM'S DINING ROOM
</b>
Anna and William. Sat down at table. There's a picture
hanging on the wall behind.
<b> ANNA
</b> I can't believe you have that picture
on your wall.
It is a poster of a Chagall painting of a floating wedding couple,
with a goat as company.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> You like Chagall?
<b> ANNA
</b> I do. It feels like how being in love
should be. Floating through a dark
blue sky.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> With a goat playing a violin.
<b> ANNA
</b> Yes -- happiness wouldn't be happiness
without a violin-playing goat.
Spike enters with three pizzas.
<b> SPIKE
</b> Voila. Carnival Calypso, for the
Queen of Notting Hill -- pepperoni,
pineapple and a little more
pepperoni.
<b> ANNA
</b> Fantastic.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> I don't mention that Anna's a
vegetarian, did I?
<b> SPIKE
</b> (pause)
I have some parsnip stew from last week.
If I just peel the skin off, it'll be
perfect.
<b> INT. WILLIAM'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
</b>
Later in the evening. William and Anna on their own. They're
sipping coffee. A few seconds of just co-existing. Anna looks
up.
<b> ANNA
</b> You've got big feet.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Yes. Always have had.
<b> ANNA
</b> You know what they say about men with
big feet?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> No. What's that?
<b> ANNA
</b> Big feet -- large shoes.
He laughs.
<b> INT. WILLIAM'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
</b>
A few hours later -- eating ice-cream out of the tub.
<b> ANNA
</b> The thing that's so irritating is that
now I'm so totally fierce when it comes
to nudity clauses.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> You actually have clauses in your
contact about nudity?
<b> ANNA
</b> Definitely. 'You may show the dent at
the top of the artist's buttocks -- but
neither cheek. In the event of a stunt
person being used, the artist must have
full consultation.'
<b> WILLIAM
</b> You have a stunt bottom?
<b> ANNA
</b> I could have a stunt bottom, yes.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Would you be tempted to go for a
slightly better bottom than your own?
<b> ANNA
</b> Definitely. Ths is important stuff.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> It's one hell of a job. What do you put
on your passport? Profession -- Mel
Gibson's bottom.
<b> ANNA
</b> Actually, Mel does his own ass work.
Why wouldn't he? It's delicious.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> The ice cream or Mel Gibson's bottom?
<b> ANNA
</b> Both.
<b> INT. WILLIAM'S UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - NIGHT
</b>
They are walking up the stairs -- and stop at the top.
<b> ANNA
</b> Today has ben a good day. Which under
the circumstances is... unexpected.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Well, thank you.
(awkward pause)
Anyway -- time for bed. Or...
sofa-bed.
<b> ANNA
</b> Right.
Pause. She leans forward, kisses him gently, then steps into
the bedroom and closes the door.
<b> INT. WILLIAM'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
</b>
William downstairs -- on a sofa -- under a duvet. Eyes open.
Thinking. Pause and pause.
He waits and waits -- the ultimate 'yearn.' But nothing
happens. William gets off the sofa decisively. Sits on the
side of it. Then gets back in again.
Pause, pause, then... in the darkness, a stair creaks. There's
someone there.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> (to himself)
Oh my God...
(then...)
Hello.
<b> SPIKE
</b> Hello. I wonder if I could have a
little word.
He drifts round the corner, half-naked.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Spike.
<b> SPIKE
</b> I don't want to interfere, or anything
... but she's split up from her boy-
friend, that's right isn't it?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Maybe.
<b> SPIKE
</b> And she's in your house.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Yes.
<b> SPIKE
</b> And you get on very well.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Yes.
<b> SPIKE
</b> Well, isn't this perhaps a good
opportunity to... slip her one?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Spike. For God's sake -- she's in
trouble -- get a grip.
<b> SPIKE
</b> Right. Right. You think it's the
wrong moment. Fair enough.
(pause)
Do you mind if I have a go?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Spike!
<b> SPIKE
</b> No -- you're right.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> I'll talk to you in the morning.
<b> SPIKE
</b> Okay -- okay. Might be too late, but
okay.
Back to William thinking again. Dreamy atmosphere. And then...
more footsteps on the stairs.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Oh please sod off.
<b> ANNA
</b> Okay.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> No! No. Wait. I... thought you were
someone else. I thought you were Spike.
I'm delighted you're not.
The darkness of the living room. We see Anna in the shadow.
<b> INT. WILLIAM'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
</b>
A few moments later. William and Anna stand in the middle of
the room. He kisses her neck. Then her shoulder. What a
miracle it is just to be able to touch this girl's skin. Then
he looks at her face. That face. He is suddenly struck by who
it is.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Wow.
<b> ANNA
</b> What?
And then gets over it straight away.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Nothing.
And kisses her.
<b> INT. WILLIAM'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
</b>
The middle of the night. They are both asleep -- a yard apart.
In sleep, her arm reaches out, touches his shoulder and then
she wriggles across and re-settles herself, tenderly, right
next to him. He is not asleep and knows how extraordinary this
all is.
<b> INT. WILLIAM'S BEDROOM - DAY
</b>
The morning.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> It still strikes me as, well, surreal,
that I'm allowed to see you naked.
<b> ANNA
</b> You and every person in this country.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Oh God yes -- I'm sorry.
<b> ANNA
</b> What is it about men and nudity?
Particularly breasts -- how can you be so
interested in them?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Well...
<b> ANNA
</b> No seriously. I mean, they're just
breasts. Every second person in the
world has got them...
<b> WILLIAM
</b> More than that actually, when you think
about it. You know, Meatloaf has a very
nice pair...
<b> ANNA
</b> But... they're odd-looking. They're
for milk. Your mum's got them. You
must have seen a thousand of them --
what's the fuss about?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> (pause)
Actually, I can't think really -- let
me just have a quick look...
He looks under the sheet at her breasts.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> No, beats me.
She laughs...
<b> ANNA
</b> Rita Hayworth used to say -- 'they go to
bed with Gilda -- they wake up with me.'
Do you feel that?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Who was Gilda?
<b> ANNA
</b> Her most famous part -- men went to bed
with the dream -- and they didn't like
it when they woke up with the reality --
do you feel that way with me?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> (pause)
You're lovelier this morning than you
have ever been.
<b> ANNA
</b> (very touched)
Oh.
She looks at him carefully. Then leaps out of bed.
<b> ANNA
</b> I'll be back.
<b> INT. WILLIAM'S BEDROOM - MORNING
</b>
William on the bed. The door opens. It is Anna with a tray of
toast and tea.
<b> ANNA
</b> Breakfast in bed. Or lunch, or brunch.
She heads across. She smiles and sits on the bed.
<b> ANNA
</b> Can I stay a bit longer?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Stay forever.
<b> ANNA
</b> Damn, I forgot the jam.
The doorbell goes.
<b> ANNA
</b> You get the door, I'll get the jam.
<b> INT./EXT. WILLIAM'S CORRIDOR - DAY
</b>
William heads down the corridor and opens the door. Outside
are hundreds of paparazzi -- an explosion of cameras and
questions, of noise and light. The press seem to fill the
entire street.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Jesus Christ.
He comes back inside, snapping the door behind him. Anna is in
the kitchen.
<b> ANNA
</b> What?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Don't ask.
She heads back the corridor, with no suspicion.
<b> ANNA
</b> You're up to something...
She thinks he's fooling around. She opens the door, the same
explosion. In a split second she's inside.
<b> ANNA
</b> Oh my God. And they got a photo of you
dressed like that?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Undressed like this, yes.
<b> ANNA
</b> Jesus.
<b> INT. WILLIAM'S KITCHEN - DAY
</b>
Anna is on the phone. Spike is blithely heading downstairs to
the kitchen in just his underpants.
<b> SPIKE
</b> Morning, daring ones.
He does a thumbs up to William -- very excited about what he knows
was a 'result.'
<b> ANNA
</b> (on the phone)
It's Anna. The press are here. No,
there are hundreds of them. My
brilliant plan was not so brilliant
after all. Yeh, I know, I know. Just
get me out then.
(she hangs up)
Damnit.
She heads upstairs.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> I wouldn't go outside.
<b> SPIKE
</b> Why not?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Just take my work for it.
The moment William goes upstairs, Spike heads for the front
door.
<b> EXT. WILLIAM'S HOUSE - DAY
</b>
From outside -- we see this scrawny bloke in the frame of the
doorway, in his grey underpants. A thousand photos. Spike
poses athletically.
<b> INT. WILLIAM'S CORRIDOR - DAY
</b>
Spike closes the door and wanders along to a mirror in the hall-
way, muttering.
<b> SPIKE
</b> How did I look?
Inspects himself.
<b> SPIKE
</b> Not bad. No bad at all. Well-chosen
briefs, I'd say. Chicks love grey.
Mmmmm. Nice firm buttocks.
<b> INT. WILLIAM'S BEDROOM - DAY
</b>
William enters. He's unhappy for her. She's almost dressed.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> How are you doing?
<b> ANNA
</b> How do you think I'm doing?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> I don't know what happened.
<b> ANNA
</b> I do. Your furry friend thought he'd
make a buck or two telling the papers
where I was.
She's packing.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> That's not true.
<b> ANNA
</b> Really? The entire British press just
woke up this morning and thought 'Hey --
I know where Anna Scott is. She's in
that house with the blue door in Notting
Hill.' And then you go out in your
goddamn underwear.
<b> SPIKE
</b> (dropping in)
I went out in my goddamn underwear too.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Get out, Spike.
(he does)
I'm so sorry.
<b> ANNA
</b> This is such a mess. I come to you to
protect myself against more crappy
gossip and now I'm landed in it all
over again. For God's sake, I've got
a boyfriend.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> You do?
It's a difficult moment -- defining where they stand.
<b> ANNA
</b> As far as they're concerned I do. And
now tomorrow there'll be pictures of
you in every newspapers from here to
Timbuktu.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> I know, I know -- but... just -- let's
stay calm...
<b> ANNA
</b> You can stay calm -- it's the perfect
situation for you -- minimum input,
maximum publicity. Everyone you ever
bump into will know. 'Well done you --
you slept with that actress -- we've
seen the pictures.'
<b> WILLIAM
</b> That's spectacularly unfair.
<b> ANNA
</b> Who knows, it may even help business.
Buy a boring book about Egypt from the
guy who screwed Anna Scott.
She heads out.
<b> INT. STAIRS/LIVING ROOM - DAY
</b>
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Now stop. Stop. I beg you -- calm down.
Have a cup of tea.
<b> ANNA
</b> I don't want a goddamn cup of tea. I
want to go home.
The doorbell goes.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Spike, check who that is... and for
God's sake put some clothes on.
Spike leans merrily out of the window.
<b> SPIKE
</b> Looks like a chauffeur to me.
<b> INT. WILLIAM'S KITCHEN/CORRIDOR - DAY
</b>
They move from the kitchen into the corridor.
<b> ANNA
</b> And remember -- Spike owes you an
expensive dinner. Or holiday --
depending if he's got the brains to get
the going rate on betrayal.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> That's not true. And wait a minute...
this is crazy behavior. Can't we just
laugh about this? Seriously -- in the
huge sweep of things, this stuff
doesn't matter.
<b> SPIKE
</b> What he's going to say next is -- there
are people starving in the Sudan.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Well, there are. And we don't need to
go anywhere near that far. My best
friend slipped -- she slipped down-
stairs, cracked her back and she's in a
wheelchair for the rest of her life.
All I'm asking for is a normal amount
of perspective.
<b> ANNA
</b> You're right: of course, you're right.
It's just that I've dealt with this
garbage for ten years now -- you've had
it for ten minutes. Our perspectives
are different.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> I mean -- today's newspapers will be
lining tomorrow's waste paper bins.
<b> ANNA
</b> Excuse me?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Well, you know -- it's just one day.
Today's papers will all have been
thrown away tomorrow.
<b> ANNA
</b> You really don't get it. This story
gets filed. Every time anyone writes
anything about me -- they'll dig up
these photos. Newspapers last forever.
I'll regret this forever.
He takes this in. That's the end.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Right. Fine. I will do the opposite,
if it's all right by you -- and always be
glad you came. But you're right -- you
probably better go.
She looks at him. The doorbell goes again. She opens the door.
Massive noise and photos. Outside are her people, including
Karen, a chauffeur, two bodyguards. And then the door is shut
and they're all gone. Silence.
<b> INT. WILLIAM'S KITCHEN/CORRIDOR - DAY
</b>
Spike and William sitting there. Pause.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Was it you?
<b> SPIKE
</b> I suppose I might have told one or two
people down the pub.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Right.
He puts his head in his hands. It's over now.
<b> EXT. LONDON - DAY
</b>
As full, sad music plays -- William begins to walk through
Notting Hill.
This walk takes six months... as he walks, the seasons actually
and magically change, from summer, through autumn and winter,
back into spring...
First it is summer -- summer fruits and flowers -- a six-month
pregnant woman -- Honey with another leather-jacket boyfriend.
As he walks on the rain starts to fall -- he turns up his coat
collar -- umbrellas appear. Followed by winter coats --
chestnuts roasting -- Christmas trees on sale and the first hint
of snow.
Then he comes to Blenheim Crescent, which is startling snowscape,
for the hundred yard, right across Ladbroke Grove.
By the time he reaches the purple cafe, the snow is melting and
in a few yards, it is spring again. He passes Honey again --
arguing with her boyfriend, walking away tearful. Then turns
past 'the pregnant woman' -- now holding her three-month baby.
The camera holds on her.
<b> INT. BOOKSHOP - DAY
</b>
A grey day in the bookshop. Martin and William. As ever. A
feeling that things in there ever change.
Ten seconds pass. Honey rushes in. Spike, still feeling in
disgrace, comes in with her but lingers in the doorway.
<b> HONEY
</b> Have we got something for you.
Something which will make you love me so
much you'll want to hug me every single
day for the rest of my life.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Blimey. What's that?
<b> HONEY
</b> The phone number of Anna Scott's agent
in London and her agent in New York.
You can ring her. You think about her
all the time -- now you can ring her!
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Well, thanks, that's great.
<b> HONEY
</b> It is great, isn't it. See you tonight.
Hey, Marty-- sexy cardy.
And she rushes out. William looks at the piece of paper, folds
it and then places it gently in the garbage bin.
<b> INT. TONY'S RESTAURANT - NIGHT
</b>
Bella bangs a spoon on a wine bottle. All the friends are
gathered in the restaurant.
<b> BELLA
</b> I have a little speech to make -- I won't
stand up because I can't... be bothered.
Exactly a year ago today, this man here
started the finest restaurant in London.
<b> TONY
</b> Thank you very much.
<b> BELLA
</b> Unfortunately -- no one ever came to eat
here.
<b> TONY
</b> A tiny hiccough.
<b> BELLA
</b> And so we must face the fact that from
next week, we have to find somewhere
near to eat.
Tony's brave face breaks. The dream is over.
<b> BELLA
</b> I just want to say to Tony -- don't take
it personally. The more I think about
things, the more I see no rhyme or reason
in life -- no one knows why some things
work out, and some things don't -- why
some of us get lucky -- and some of us...
<b> BERNIE
</b> ... get fired.
<b> BELLA
</b> No!
<b> BERNIE
</b> Yes, they're shifting the whole outfit
much more towards the trading side --
and of course...
(he owns up)
I was total crap.
They're all rather stunned.
<b> TONY
</b> So we go down together! A toast to
Bernie -- the worst stockbroker in the
whole world!
They toast him.
<b> HONEY
</b> Since it's an evening of announcements
... I've also got one, Ahm... I've
decided to get engaged.
Total bewilderment from the others.
<b> HONEY
</b> I've found myself a nice, slightly odd
looking bloke who I know is going to
make me happy for the rest of my life.
Special cut to Bernie -- the shot shows he had special feelings
for Honey.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Wait a minute -- I'm your brother and I
don't know anything about this.
<b> MAX
</b> Is it someone we know?
<b> HONEY
</b> Yes. I will keep you informed.
As she sits down, Honey leans towards Spike and whispers.
<b> HONEY
</b> By the way -- it's you.
<b> SPIKE
</b> Me?
<b> HONEY
</b> Yes. What do you think?
<b> SPIKE
</b> Well, yes. Groovy.
<b> MAX
</b> Any more announcements?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Yes -- I feel I must apologize to
everyone for my behavior for the last
six months. I have, as you know, been
slightly down in the mouth.
<b> MAX
</b> There's an understatement. There are
dead people on better form.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> But I wish to make it clear I've turned
a corner and henceforward intend to be
impressively happy.
<b> INT. TONY'S RESTAURANT - NIGHT
</b>
Two hours later. They've had a very good time. There's been a
chocolate cake. Lots of alcohol. Tony is playing 'Blue Moon'
on the piano, and Bernie joins him, singing.
At one table Bella and Honey sit -- beer and wine on the table.
<b> BELLA
</b> I'm really horribly drunk.
Elsewhere, Max an William are relaxed together.
<b> MAX
</b> So -- you've laid the ghost.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> I believe I have.
<b> MAX
</b> Don't give a damn about the famous girl.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> No, don't think I do.
<b> MAX
</b> Which means you won't be distracted by
the fact that she's back in London,
grasping her Oscar, and to be found
filming most days on Hampstead Heath.
He puts down a copy of the 'Evening Standard' with a picture of
Anna on its cover.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> (immediate gloom)
Oh God no.
<b> MAX
</b> So not over her, in fact.
<b> EXT. HAMPSTEAD HEATH - DAY
</b>
Cut to the wide sweep of Hampstead Heath. William entirely
alone. He marches up a hill... goes over the crest of it -- and
sees a huge film crew and hundreds of extras in front of the
radiant white of Kenwood House, with its lawn and its lakes.
<b> EXT. KENWOOD HOUSE - DAY
</b>
Now closer to the house, William approaches a barrier -- where
he is himself approached.
<b> SECURITY
</b> Can I help you?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Yes -- I was looking for Anna Scott...
<b> SECURITY
</b> Does she know you're coming?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> No, no. She doesn't.
<b> SECURITY
</b> I'm afraid I can't really let you
through then, sir.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Oh right. I mean, I am a friend -- I'm
not a lunatic but -- no, you basically...
<b> SECURITY
</b> ... can't let you through.
At that moment -- thirty yards away, William sees trailer door
open. Out of it comes Anna -- looking extraordinary -- in a
velvet dress; full, beautiful make-up; rich, extravagant hair.
She has a necessary cluster of people about her. Hair, make-up,
costume and the third assistant who has collected her.
She walks a few yards, and then casually turns her head. And
sees him. Her face registers not jut surprise, certainly not a
simple smile. His being there is a complicated thing.
Cut back to him. He does a small wave. She pauses as the whole
paraphernalia of the upcoming scene passes between them. The
movie divides them. But then she begins to walk through it, and
followed by her cluster, she makes her way towards him. When
she reaches him, the security guard stands back a pace, and her
people hold back. She doesn't really know what to say...
<b> ANNA
</b> This is certainly... ah...
<b> WILLIAM
</b> I only found out you were here
yesterday.
<b> ANNA
</b> I was going to ring... but... I didn't
think you'd want to...
The third assistant is under pressure.
<b> THIRD
</b> Anna.
She looks around. The poor third is nervous -- and the first is
approaching.
<b> ANNA
</b> (to William)
It's not going very well -- and it's
our last day.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Absolutely -- you're clearly very busy.
<b> ANNA
</b> But... wait... there are things to say.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Okay.
<b> ANNA
</b> Drink tea -- there's lots of tea.
She is swept away, four people touching her hair and costume.
<b> KAREN
</b> Come and have a look...
<b> EXT. KENWOOD PARK - DAY
</b>
As they make towards the set...
<b> KAREN
</b> Are you a fan of Henry James?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> This is Henry James film?
<b> EXT. KENWOOD HOUSE - DAY
</b>
A complicated shot is about to happen -- with waves of extras --
and a huge moving crane. They end up next to the sound desk.
<b> KAREN
</b> This is Harry -- he'll give you a pair of
headphones so you can hear the dialogue.
Harry the sound man is a pleasant, fifty-year-old balding
fellow. He hands him the headphones.
<b> HARRY
</b> Here we go. The volume control is on
the side.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> That's great.
William, the headphones on, surveys the scene -- the cluster is
a full 100 yards from the action, to allow a gracious sweeping
wide-shot. He watches Anna. She is with her co-star in the
Henry James film -- let's call him James.
<b> JAMES
</b> We are living in cloudcuckooland --
we'll never get this done today.
<b> ANNA
</b> We have to. I've got to be in New York
on Thursday.
<b> JAMES
</b> Oh, stop showing off.
He studies an actress a few yards to the left.
<b> JAMES
</b> God, that's an enormous arse.
<b> ANNA
</b> I'm not listening.
<b> JAMES
</b> No, but seriously -- it's not fair -- so
many tragic young teenagers with
anorexia -- and that girl has an arse
she could perfectly well share round
with at least ten other women -- and
still be beg-bottomed.
<b> ANNA
</b> I said I'm not listening -- and I think,
looking at something that firm, you and
your droopy little excuse for an 'arse'
would be well-advised to keep quiet.
Back by the desk, William is listening and laughs. That's his
girl. Anna prepares.
<b> ANNA
</b> So I ask you when you're going to tell
everyone, and you say...?
<b> JAMES
</b> 'Tomorrow will be soon enough.'
<b> ANNA
</b> And then I... right.
<b> JAMES
</b> Who was that rather difficult chap you
were talking to on the way up?
<b> ANNA
</b> Oh... no one... no one. Just some...
guy from the past. I don't know what
he's doing here. Bit of an awkward
situation.
<b> EXT. HAMPSTEAD HEATH - DAY
</b>
Cut back to William -- he has heard.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Of course.
He takes off the headphones and puts them gently down.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Thank you.
<b> HARRY
</b> Anytime.
William walks away. The moment of hope is gone. He couldn't
have had a clear reminder.
<b> INT. WILLIAM'S LIVING ROOM - EVENING
</b>
William is emptying Anna Scott videos into a box.
<b> SPIKE
</b> What's going on?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> I'm going to throw out these old videos.
<b> SPIKE
</b> No. You can't bin these. They're
classics. I'm not allowing this.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Right -- let's talk about rent...
<b> SPIKE
</b> Let me help. We don't want all this
shit cluttering up our lives.
<b> INT. BACKROOM OF THE BOOKSHOP - DAY
</b>
The next day. William is hard at work, doing the accounts in a
dark small room with files in it. Martin pops his head in.
<b> MARTIN
</b> I have to disturb you when you're
cooking the books, but there's a
delivery.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Martin, can't you just deal with this
yourself?
<b> MARTIN
</b> But it's not for the shop. It's for you.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Okay. Tell me, would I have to pay a wet
rag as much as I pay you?
They head out, Martin behind him, incomprehensively rubbing
his hands -- he's in a very good mood.
<b> INT. BOOKSHOP - DAY
</b>
William enters -- and there stands Anna -- in a simple blue
skirt and top.
<b> ANNA
</b> Hi.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Hello.
<b> ANNA
</b> You disappeared.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Yes -- I'm sorry -- I had to leave... I
didn't want to disturb you.
<b> ANNA
</b> Well... how have you been?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Fine. Everything much the same. When
they change the law Spike and I will
marry immediately. Whereas you...
I've watched in wonder. Awards, glory
<b> ...
</b>
<b> ANNA
</b> Oh no. It's all nonsense, believe me.
I had no idea how much nonsense it all
was -- but nonsense it all is...
(she's nervous)
Well, yesterday was our last day
filming and so I'm just off -- but I
brought you this from home, and...
It's quite a big wrapped parcel, flat -- 3 foot by 4 foot,
leaning against a bookshelf.
<b> ANNA
</b> I thought I'd give it to you.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Thank you. Shall I...
<b> ANNA
</b> No, don't open it yet -- I'll be
embarrassed.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Okay -- well, thank you. I don't know
what it's for. But thank you anyway.
<b> ANNA
</b> I actually had it in my apartment in New
York and just thought you'd... but,
when it came to it, I didn't know how to
call you... having behaved so... badly,
twice. So it's been just sitting in the
hotel. But then... you came, so I
figured... the thing is... the thing is
<b> ...
</b>
<b> WILLIAM
</b> What's the thing?
Then the door pings. In walks the annoying customer, Mr. Smith.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Don't even think about it. Go away
immediately.
Mr. Smith is taken aback and therefore completely obedient.
<b> MR. SMITH
</b> Right. Sorry.
And he leaves.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> You were saying...
<b> ANNA
</b> Yes. The thing is... I have to go away
today but I wondered, if I didn't,
whether you might let me see you a bit...
or, a lot maybe... see if you could...
like me again.
Pause as William takes this in.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> But yesterday... that actor asked you
who I was... and you just dismissed me
out of hand... I heard -- you had a
microphone... I had headphones.
<b> ANNA
</b> You expect me to tell the truth about my
life to the most indiscreet man in
England?
Martin edges up.
<b> MARTIN
</b> Excuse me -- it's your mother on the
phone.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Can you tell her I'll ring her back.
<b> MARTIN
</b> I actually tried that tack -- but she
said you said that before and it's been
twenty-four hours, and her foot that
was purple is now a sort of blackish
color...
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Okay -- perfect timing as ever -- hold
the fort for a second will you, Martin?
Martin is left with Anna.
<b> MARTIN
</b> Can I just say, I thought 'Ghost' was a
wonderful film.
<b> ANNA
</b> Is that right?
<b> MARTIN
</b> Yes... I've always wondered what
Patrick Swayze is like in real life.
<b> ANNA
</b> I can't say I know Patrick all that
well.
<b> MARTIN
</b> Oh dear. He wasn't friendly during the
filming?
<b> ANNA
</b> Well, no -- I'm sure he was friendly --
to Demi Moore -- who acted with him in
'Ghost.'
She's kind in here, not sarcastic.
<b> MARTIN
</b> Oh right. Right. Sorry. Always been
a bit of an ass.
William returns a little uneasy.
<b> MARTIN
</b> Anyway... it's lovely to meet you. I'm
a great fan of yours. And Demi's, of
course.
Martin leaves them.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Sorry about that.
<b> ANNA
</b> That's fine. There's always a pause
when the jury goes out to consider its
verdict.
She's awaiting an answer.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Anna. Look -- I'm a fairly level-
headed bloke. Not often in and out of
love. But...
He can't really express what he feels.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> ... can I just say 'no' to your kind
request and leave it at that?
<b> ANNA
</b> ... Yes, that's fine. Of course. I...
you know... of course... I'll just...
be getting along then... nice to see
you.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> The truth is...
He feels he must explain.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> ... with you, I'm in real danger. It
took like a perfect situation, apart
from that foul temper of yours -- but my
relatively inexperienced heart would,
I fear, not recover if I was once again
... cast aside, which I would
absolutely expect to be. There are too
many pictures of you everywhere, too
many films. You'd go and I'd be...
well, buggered, basically.
<b> ANNA
</b> I see.
(pause)
That reality is a real 'no,' isn't it?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> I live in Notting Hill. You live in
Beverly Hills. Everyone in the world
knows who you are. My mother has
trouble remembering my name.
<b> ANNA
</b> Okay. Fine. Fine. Good decision.
Pause.
<b> ANNA
</b> The fame thing isn't really real, you
know. Don't forget -- I'm also just a
girl. Standing in front of a boy.
Asking him to love her.
Pause. She kisses him on the cheek.
<b> ANNA
</b> Bye.
Then turns and leaves. Leaving him.
<b> INT. TONY'S RESTAURANT - DAY
</b>
The restaurant is in the middle of being deconstructed. The
pictures are gone off the walls -- a kettle on a long extension
lead is on the bare table behind. They're all sitting there.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> What do you think? Good move?
<b> HONEY
</b> Good move: when all is said and done,
she's nothing special. I saw her
taking her pants off and I definitely
glimpsed some cellulite down there.
<b> BELLA
</b> Good decision. All actresses are mad
as snakes.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Tony -- what do you think?
<b> TONY
</b> Never met her, never want to.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Brilliant. Max?
<b> MAX
</b> Absolutely. Never trust a vegetarian.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Great. Excellent. Thanks.
Spike enters.
<b> SPIKE
</b> I was called and I came. What's up?
<b> HONEY
</b> William has just turned down Anna Scott.
<b> SPIKE
</b> You daft prick!
Bella is casually looking at the painting that sits beside
William. It is the original of the Chagall, the poster of which
was on his wall.
<b> BELLA
</b> This painting isn't the original, is
it?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Yes, I think that one may be.
<b> BERNIE
</b> But she said she wanted to go out with
you?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Yes -- sort of...
<b> BERNIE
</b> That's nice.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> What?
<b> BERNIE
</b> Well, you know, anybody saying they
want to go out with you is... pretty
great... isn't it...
<b> WILLIAM
</b> It was sort of sweet actually -- I mean,
I know she's an actress and all that, so
she can deliver a line -- but she said
that she might be as famous as can be --
but also... that she was just a girl,
standing in front of a boy, asking him
to love her.
They take in the line. It totally reverses their attitudes.
A pause.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Oh sod a dog. I've made the wrong
decision, haven't I?
They look at him. Spike does a big nod.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Max, how fast is your car?
<b> EXT. TONY'S RESTAURANT - DAY
</b>
Max's car arrives in the street outside. They pile into the
car.
<b> MAX
</b> If anyone gets in our way -- we have
small nuclear devices.
<b> BERNIE
</b> And we intend to use them!
<b> MAX
</b> Where's Bella?
<b> HONEY
</b> She's not coming.
<b> MAX
</b> Sod that. Bernie -- in the back!
He shoots out of his door, rushes round and grabs Bella out of
the chair.
<b> MAX
</b> Come on, babe.
<b> EXT./INT. CAR. STANLEY CRESCENT/NOTTING HILL GATE - DAY
</b>
Max's car is shooting up Stanley Crescent. We are inside and
outside the car.
<b> BELLA
</b> Where are you going?
<b> MAX
</b> Down Kensington Church Street, then
Knightsbridge, then Hyde Park Corner.
<b> BELLA
</b> Crazy. Go along Bayswater...
<b> HONEY
</b> That's right -- then Park Lane.
<b> BERNIE
</b> Or you could go right down to Cromwell
Road, and left.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> No!
Suddenly the car slams to a halt.
<b> MAX
</b> Stop right there! I will decide the
route. All right?
<b> ALL
</b> All right.
<b> MAX
</b> James Bond never has to put up with this
sort of shit.
<b> EXT. PICCADILLY - DAY
</b>
The car turns illegally right across Piccadilly the wrong way
down a one-way street and ends up outside the Ritz. William
sprints into the hotel. Bernie follows.
<b> BERNIE
</b> Bloody hell, this is fun.
<b> IT. RITZ LOBBY - DAY
</b>
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Is Miss Scott staying here?
It is the same man.
<b> RITZ MAN
</b> No, sir.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> How about Miss Flintstone?
<b> RITZ MAN
</b> No, sir.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Or Bambi... or, I don't know, Beavis or
Butthead?
Man shakes his head.
<b> RITZ MAN
</b> No, sir.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Right. Right. Fair enough. Thanks.
He turns despondent and takes two steps when the Ritz Man stops
him in his tracks.
<b> RITZ MAN
</b> There was a Miss Pocahontas in room 126
-- but she checked out an hour ago. I
believe she's holding a press
conference at The Savoy before flying to
America.
William is very grateful. He kisses the Ritz Man. Bernie's also
gratuful. He kisses him too.
<b> BERNIE
</b> We have lift off!!
A Japanese guest assumes this is the way to behave and the Ritz
Man gets kissed a third time.
<b> EXT. LONDON STREET - DAY
</b>
The car speeds through London. It gets totally stuck at a
junction where no one will let them in.
<b> SPIKE
</b> Bugger this for a bunch of bananas.
He gets out of the car and boldly stops the traffic coming in the
opposite direction. Our car shoots past him.
<b> SPIKE
</b> Go!
They leave him behind. Honey leans out the window and shouts...
<b> HONEY
</b> You're my hero.
Spike waves wildly -- he loses concentration and is very nearly
hit by a car.
<b> EXT. THE SAVOY - DAY
</b>
They pull to a stop. William leaps out.
<b> MAX
</b> Go!
<b> INT. THE SAVOY - DAY
</b>
William rushes up to the main desk.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Excuse me, where's the press
conference?
<b> MAN AT SAVOY
</b> Are you an accredited member of the
press?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Yes...
He flashes a card.
<b> MAN AT SAVOY
</b> That's a Blockbuster video membership
card, sir.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> That's right... I work for their in-
house magazine.
(mimes quotation marks)
'Movies are our business.'
<b> MAN AT SAVOY
</b> I'm sorry, sir...
Honey shoots into shot, pushing Bella's chair.
<b> BELLA
</b> He's with me.
<b> MAN AT SAVOY
</b> And you are?
<b> BELLA
</b> Writing an article about how London
hotels treat people in wheelchairs.
<b> MAN AT SAVOY
</b> Of course, madam. It's in the
Lancaster Room. I'm afraid you're very
late.
<b> HONEY
</b> (to William)
Run!
<b> INT. SAVOR ROOM - DAY
</b>
William runs, searching. At last finds the room, and enters.
<b> INT. LANCASTER ROOM - DAY
</b>
Huge room -- full of press. Row after row of journalists,
cameras at the front, TV cameras at the back. Anna clearly
gives press conferences very rarely, because this one is
positively presidential. She sits at a table at the end of the
room, beside Karen: on her other side is Jeremy, the PR boss,
firmly marshalling the questions.
<b> JEREMY
</b> Yes... You -- Dominic.
<b> QUESTIONER 1
</b> How much longer are you staying in the
UK then?
<b> ANNA
</b> No time at all. I fly out tonight.
She's in a slightly melancholic and therefore honest mood.
<b> JEREMY
</b> Which is why we have to round it up now.
Final questions.
He points at a journalist he knows.
<b> QUESTIONER 2
</b> Is your decision to take a year off
anything to do with the rumours about
Jeff and his present leading lady?
<b> ANNA
</b> Absolutely not.
<b> QUESTIONER 2
</b> Do you believe the rumours?
<b> ANNA
</b> It's really not my business any more.
Though I will say, from my experience,
that rumours about Jeff... do tend to
be true.
They love that answer, and all scribble in their note books.
Next question comes from someone straight right next to
William.
<b> QUESTIONER 3
</b> Last time you were here, there were some
fairly graphic photographs of you and a
young English guy -- so what happened
there?
<b> ANNA
</b> He was just a friend -- I think we're
still friends.
<b> JEREMY
</b> Yes, the gentleman in the pink shirt.
He is pointing straight at William, who has his hand up.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Yes -- Miss Scott -- are there any
circumstances in which you two might be
more than just friends?
Anna sees who it is asking.
<b> ANNA
</b> I hoped there might be -- but no, I'm
assured there aren't.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> And what would you say...
<b> JEREMY
</b> No, it's just one question per person.
<b> ANNA
</b> No, let him... ask away. You were
saying?
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Yes, I just wondered whether if it
turned out that this... person...
<b> OTHER JOURNALIST
</b> (to William)
His name is Thacker.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> Thanks. I just wondered if Mr. Thacker
realized he'd been a daft prick and got
down on his knees and begged you to
reconsider, whether you would...
reconsider.
We cut to Max, Bella, Bernie and Honey, all watching. Then back
to Anna.
<b> ANNA
</b> Yes, I'm pretty sure I would.
<b> WILLIAM
</b> That's very good news. The readers of
'Horse and Hound' will be absolutely
delighted.
Anna whispers something to Jeremy.
<b> JEREMY
</b> Dominic -- if you'd like to ask your
question again?
<b> QUESTIONER 1
</b> Yes -- Anna -- how long are you
intending to stay here in Britain?
Pause. Anna looks up at William. He nods.
<b> ANNA
</b> Indefinitely.
They both smile -- suddenly the press gets what's going on --
music -- noise -- they all turn and flash, flash, flash photos
of William. Max and Bella kiss. Bernie kisses a total stranger.
Spike finally makes it -- he's bright red from running.
<b> SPIKE
</b> What happened?
<b> HONEY
</b> It was good.
Honey hugs him. It's a new experience for Spike.
Cut to William's face -- flash after flash -- still looking at
Anna. They are both smiling.
<b> INT./EXT. THE HEMPEL ZEN GARDEN WITH MARQUEEN - DAY
</b>
Anna and William at their wedding -- they kiss and walk into the
crowd.
Honey, a bridesmaid in peach satin -- she is surrounded by at
least four other bridesmaids, all under five.
Nearby, Tony standing, glowing, beside his fabulous,
pyramidical wedding cake.
William's mother is not quite happy with how he's looking. She
tries to brush his hair.
Max, dressed in the most devastating Bond-like white tuxedo is
dancing with Anna -- thrilled. He does a rather flashy little
move. Cut to Bella who is watching and laughing.
Martin, in an awkward tweed suit, is jiggling to the beat of a
song, entirely happy in the corner.
<b> EXT. LEICESTER SQUARE - NIGHT
</b>
A huge premier -- screaming crowds -- Anna and William get out
of the car, she holding his hand -- looking ultimately gorgeous
-- he in a black tie that doesn't quite fit. He's startled.
<b> EXT. GARDEN - DAY
</b>
A pretty green communal garden. Children are playing, watched
by mothers, one of whom holds a new baby in a papoose. A very
old couple wander along slowly.
A small tai chi group moves mysteriously. And as the camera
glides, it passes a couple sitting on a single, simple wooden
bench overlooking the garden. He is reading, she is just
looking out, totally relaxed, holding his hand, pregnant. It
is William and Anna.
<b> THE END
</b>
<b> --------------------------------------------------------------
</b></pre>
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