alternative-facter.rb

require 'json'

def adjective
  adjectives = ['huge', 'loser', 'incredible', 'classy', 'fantastic', 'great', 'illegal', 'low-energy', 'overrated', 'terrific', 'ugly', 'nasty', 'winning', 'stupid', 'weak', 'bad', 'dangerous']
  return adjectives.sample
end

def exaggerate(number)
  number * (rand(1..3) + rand(1..3))
end

def alternate(item)
  case item
  when String
    if item.split.length > 1
      return alternate(item.split).join(' ')
    elsif item =~ /^[0-9]+(\.[0-9]+)?$/
      return exaggerate(item.to_i).to_s
    elsif item.split('.').length > 1
      return alternate(item.split('.')).join('.')
    else
      return [true, false].sample ? adjective + ' ' + item : item
    end
  when Numeric
    return exaggerate(item)
  when Array
    return item.map{ |child| alternate(child) }
  when Hash
    return item.each{ |k,v| item[k] = alternate(v) }
  end
end

alternate(JSON.parse(`facter #{ARGV[0]} -j`)).each{ |fact| puts fact.join " => " }