A storm of tweets by Carl Kinsella
https://twitter.com/TVsCarlKinsella/status/762038953721597953
FOUNDER OF HOGWARTS: okay, so we all know there are four types of kid. brave, smart, evil and miscellaneous.
SCHOOL BOARD: yes, continue.
HEALTH & SAFETY: What's in there?
FOUNDER: Oh, that's the uh... Chamber of... Safety.
BASILISK: Ssss...
H&S: What's that?
FOUNDER: Ssssafety
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: ...
STAFF: ...
ALBUS: I can't control them.
SNAPE: You've hired Quirrell, a fraud, a wolf, a Death Eater..
ALBUS: I let the Dementors do the hiring
SNAPE:
ALBUS: It's called delegation
HEALTH & SAFETY: I've seen like 20 ghosts.
ALBUS: Yeah. I put them in charge of a lot of stuff.
H&S: Huh.
ALBUS: Not like I can kill 'em.
FILCH:
ALBUS: You look like the LAST person I should let work with kids.
FILCH:
ALBUS: You can be in charge of making sure they're in bed.
SNAPE: You've raised Harry like a pig for slaughter.
ALBUS: Honestly, I never had a plan. It's a miracle he's still alive.
SNAPE:
ALBUS:
ALBUS: I literally hired Voldemort twice. I hired him. To teach here.
SNAPE:
ALBUS:
SNAPE:
ALBUS: I have no pla-
SNAPE: I see that now.
ALBUS: seconds after dying
ALBUS:
ALBUS:
ALBUS:
ALBUS: Shit. I forgot to tell Harry about the horcruxes.
ALBUS:
ALBUS:
ALBUS: Oh well.
QUIRRELL: Troll! Troll in the dungeon!
ALBUS: Haha, I don't even know if it's on our side or not.
SNAPE:
ALBUS: I really don't.
HARRY: Voldemort "killed" me, but luckily Dumbledore knew I'd be protected by love!
SNAPE:
ALBUS:
SNAPE:
ALBUS: Haha, yep. Knew all along.
ALBUS: Honestly, Minerva. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing.
ALBUS:
ALBUS:
ALBUS: You're just a normal cat, aren't you?
CAT: Meow.
SORTING HAT: Ravenclaw!
SNAPE: Does it know it's on a pumpkin?
SORTING HAT: Another Weasley, eh? GRYFFINDOR!
ALBUS: I'm not in charge here.
OLLIVANDER: Voldemort did great things. Terrible, but great!
HARRY:
HARRY:
HARRY: Feel like I'm the last person you should say that shit to.
HERMIONE: I set up SPEW because Elf lives MATTER, Harry.
HARRY: All lives matter, Hermione.
HERMIONE:
HARRY: I'm gonna go fuck with Dobby.
NEVILLE: We shouldn't be doing this.
HARRY: 420 points to Splyffindor.
NEVILLE: I don't want to smoke it.
ALBUS. Smoke it, Neville.
HAGRID: I WAS KICKED OUTTA HOGWARTS AND I CANT DO MAGIC BUT I GOT A BROLLY AND A BIG SCARY SPIDER
ALBUS: You are so fucking hired right now.
HAGRID: I GOT A DRAGON EGG AND A CERBERUS AND A MOTORBIKE-
ALBUS: Yes, YES, fuck this school up.
HARRY: There's Voldemort
RON: Now's our chance
HARRY: Gonna do Expelliarmus
RON: Harry, come on, it's Vol-
HARRY: IT'S THE ONLY ONE I KNOW
VOLDEMORT: Avada kedavra!
HARRY: Expell-
CROWD: groans
ALBUS: It's a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That's amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
ALBUS: Hermione needs to attend a lot of classes, you see.
SNAPE: YOU'RE in charge of the time-tables.
ALBUS: I'm not in charge of ANYTHING.
ALBUS: Only the most powerful magic can destroy a horcrux
HARRY: Gotcha
ALBUS: Do you?
HARRY: Gonna need one hell of an Expelliarmus
ALBUS:
LUPIN: I'm a werewolf.
ALBUS: Hired. On the spot.
SNAPE: Headmaster, please-
ALBUS: All we need now is a Frankenstein.
ALBUS: Another head-lice outbreak at Hogwarts?! How does this keep happening?!
MINERVA:
SNAPE:
FLITWICK:
SORTING HAT: ... I know, right!?
LUPIN: Well, every month when the moon is full, I spend a night as a wolf.
HARRY: Bit like AIDS then, is it?
LUPIN:
HARRY: In that it sucks
ALBUS: We must protect Harry AT ALL COSTS.
SNAPE: His first Triwizard task is to defeat a dragon.
ALBUS: Oh shit this'll be siiiiiiick.
HERMIONE: I can't believe Malfoy called me a mudblood.
RON: It's despicable.
HARRY: It's the WORST thing I can imagine.
DEAN THOMAS: Sigh
ALBUS: We have a tie for the House Cup...
DRACO: No. Not again.
ALBUS: I award 0.00-
DRACO: We worked so hard.
ALBUS: -01 points to Neville.
ALBUS: We've had trouble with Defence Against The Dark Arts teachers
MAD-EYE: Day one - I teach em all to kill. Boom. Done.
ALBUS: H-I-R-E-D