Discordian quote sample

quotes

A group of college professors — specializing in German literature of the 1770s — on a suicide/gang-rape spree. Sturm und drang bang.
It's great to eat under an open sky, even if it is radioactive.
To know all is not to forgive all. It is to despise everybody.
This is an environment of welcoming, and you should just get the hell out of here.
I think you'll find everybody loves a loser — so you'll be fine, you won't be lonely long.
Since you already have the maximum of one ythog flgath ng'flgath from zath vorgaal, you would need a hngaug flgath ng'flgath with no other ythog flgathu ng'flgath from it in order to flgathl a ythog.
Boys, boys! Calm down! Haven't you heard of the word "compromisation"?
Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.
Jesus hates you. Click here for porn.
I wish many guns. Floating around me. Controlled by murder thoughts.
If it ain't broke, fix it 'til it is.
There comes a time when every team must learn to make individual sacrifices.
God doesn't play dice. He's more of a chess guy.
He helped kids get stupid more often than a Texas schoolbook.
promise yourself the fire
Take that, subspace!
I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's legs on the album cover is good indication that it's not for little Johnny.
New York people will fuck you the way New York banks will give you money: only if you avoid any slightest hint of needing it.
Why don't you go back to your double-wide and fry something?
For the common man can do nothing: the fact he undertakes the task makes him uncommon.
Not dead which eternal lie, with stranger eons death may die: these are words of wisdom — let it be.
"What would Mr. Rogers do if he were here right now?" "He would EAT OUR BRAINS!!!! Get it? Because he's dead!" "Oh, Kitty... you're going to hell."
Sometimes I hate who I have to be. But I live in a world of flip-flopping loyalties, costumed terrorism, and mind-controlling alien starfish. Trust is a luxury I can't afford.
Guard your honor. Let your reputation fall where it will. And outlive the bastards.
Your new pheremone-based scent will make you irresistible to women, who will devour you, bones, hair, and all.
Always pause to consider other points of view before doing whatever the fuck you want anyway.
We are a nation of sheep. Spread the word.
Science is about finding the most credible explanation. And since Gary has the highest credibility score here, you are a weather balloon.
I am obsolete. This must be what old people feel like. And Blockbuster.
First you use machines, then you wear machines, and then...? Then you serve machines.
We find the defendant innocent by reason of being generally clueless.
Oh great Machine God, we beseech thee to bring life unto the inanimate.
GIVE ME BACK MY PANCREAS!
One more day like today and I'll kill you.
Deep, unspeakable suffering may well be called a baptism, a regeneration, the initiation into a new state.
Modern morality and manners suppress all natural instincts, keep people ignorant of the facts of nature and make them fighting drunk on bogey tales.
The quickest way to a man's heart is through his ribcage.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
Every lie contains a kernel of truth, especially this one.
That might have been the worst birthday you've ever had, but take note: it won't be the worst of your life.
The more beautiful and pure a thing is, the more satisfying it is to corrupt it.
I was lost in a portable hole for a week once.
The best way to ensure that a war will go on forever is to declare it on a common noun. (Like poverty, hunger, drugs, terror.)
Nietzsche was an optimist.
Good decisions are just bad decisions you didn't get to make.
You don't have to burn books to destroy a culture. Just get people to stop reading them.
I love that moment when you make eye contact with a dog and he slyly smiles and nods to let you know he's secretly a tiny man in a dog suit.
Sin that pays its way can travel freely, and without a passport; whereas virtue, if a pauper, is stopped at all frontiers.
I am presently out of my mind. Please leave a message at the tone.
In his house at R'lyeh dead Cthulhu lies dreaming.
Ignorance can be cured — but stupid is forever.
Code monkey think maybe manager wanna write goddamn login page himself.
I wish everyone would realize that the War on Christmas is all about getting our hands on Christmas oil.
I am laughing. Laughing very loudly. Friends have told me is is not a sound conducive to tranquility.
CHAOS! PANIC! DISASTER! ... my work here is done.
I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo T-Shirt because it says I want to be formal, but I'm here to party.
When Cthulhu calls, he calls collect.
Always be using the good grammars for to impress people who are dumb and stuff.
I know you think you came to it on your own but you live in America, you don't make free choices here, freedom is a brand.
We're talking paranoid delusional psychosis. I saw the guy's room. Cozy... if you're Hannibal Lecter.
It sure sounds like something Ben Franklin would say. Franklin is, after all, who you go for when you need a quote older than Churchill, but newer than, say, Plato.
Fall not in love, therefore, it will stick to your face.
Haha... oh, Kitty, you can't solve the world's problems with lead pipes! For that, you need GUNS!
"Well, look at this! Appears we got here just in the nick of time. Whaddya suppose that makes us?" "Big damn heroes, sir." "Ain't we just!"
Do not underestimate the power of Rule 34.
You can't outsmart stupid.
Whatever you want to do, do it. There are only so many tomorrows.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. OMFG. STFU.
He is a barbarian, and believes that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
Since the universe is actually composed of information, then it can be said that information will save us.
I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.
The power of accurate observation is often called cynicism by those who do not have it.
There is no spoon. Only Zuul.
I assess the power of a will by how much resistance, pain, torture it endures and knows how to turn to its advantage.
Reality and unreality have no clear distinction in our present circumstances.
You can't go around building a better world for people. Only people can build a better world for people, otherwise it's just a cage.
They weren't really holy socks. Just really orange. To find Eris, I'd suggest looking under your bed. It's really sweet to find a goddess hiding under your bed. Perhaps playing with some dust bunnies, or maybe an orange sock.
No matter what you hear in there, no matter how cruelly I beg you, no matter how terribly I may scream, do not open this door or you will undo everything I have worked for.
The universe is like a grapefruit — it's yellow and dimply, and some people have half of one for breakfast.
Look, at its basic, most simple level, reductionism is dumb.
"We do not torture our prisoners" is now a radical, leftist position.
Finite players play within boundaries; infinite players play with boundaries.
Some are programmed to think they are human.
Lovecraft left me with a cleveland steamer.
Librarians are heroes. If they haven't already been declared a class of Discordian saints, I hereby do so.
Of course I'm not crazy... this is probably just some super-villain's mind-control-ray experiment...
Of course it's a stupid idea. Some of our best plans started with stupid ideas.
I think when a child gets an answer right, we should tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he gets a good, lucky feeling.
Accidentally let the crazy a bit too far out of the bag there, didn't I.
Semper Non Sequitur!
Curiosity killed the cat, loathsome rituals BROUGHT IT BACK.
It's kind of warm and fuzzy for a message of doom.
An optimistic mind-set finds dozens of possible solutions for every problem that the pessimist regards as incurable.
Things get easier as your brain dies, Bob.
If I had more Monet I would not be so baroque.
How much deeper would the ocean be, if SPONGES didn't grow in it.
When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
Fnord?
Work as if these were the early days of a better nation.
I'M SIGNIFICANT! ...screamed the dust speck.
Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
The dead shall live, the living die. I kill what lives; I save what has died. And I will tell you this: there are things worse than I. But you won't meet them because by then I will have killed you.
He took a duck in the face at two hundred and fifty knots.
"I can explain!" "And I can shoot you through the head. Isn't this universe of free action a wonderful place?"
Mankind has been on a bad trip for a long time now.
Your mom upside down is WOW.
Well, you can't be consistent all the time!
So the President of Burma steps in and says to the alien leprechaun in my gym locker, "This is nothing like the rigatoni Aunt Brenda used to make!"
Strange as it may seem, no amount of learning can cure stupidity, and formal education positively fortifies it.
Here's something to think about: how come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Some days, it just doesn't pay to chew through the leather straps in the morning.
Why are you stretching your dice rolling hand?
The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I will walk carefully.
A rhinoceros is a butch unicorn.
MUSHROOMS CONTROL THE GOVERNMENT AND THE FURY IN MY PANTS
He sells contact lenses for a cubist world
This was the dream in which I saw a shoggoth for the first time, and the sight set me awake in a frenzy of screaming.
When someone says "I don't read", the flirting is over.
It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.
You were my everything, which, upon reflection, was probably the problem.
Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
Join the Cthulhu Corps; it's not just a job, it's a higher position under an elder god.
A book lying idle on a shelf is wasted ammunition.
Out of the abyss walked a cow. Elsie.
The voice in the wall says it's in my head
It isn't normal to know what we want. It is a rare and difficult psychological achievement.
Contact is inevitable, leading to information bleed. Assume the relaxation length of photons in the sample atmosphere is constant.
Kids: if a train leaves from 5 miles away, and you start walking toward it at 3 miles per hour, is life a meaningless series of pathetic tragedies?
They can take everything away from me, but they can never take my pride, unless I somehow get some.
What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
Well, it was nice holding on to you for as long as I did, last shreds of innocence.
Another weekend of sacrificing virgins and drinking blood. Ho hum.
Klein bottle for sale. Inquire within.
Someone please hold me while leaving me totally alone.
I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on tape somewhere.
For the last time, that's not "ball lightning". It's a form of static electricity unique to your unusually hirsute groin.
Storm clouds of doom gather overhead, as if a parliament of dour executioners were called to judgment of frail humanity in these final, ember hours of all we hold dear.
No one can understand you without first understanding the subtle-but-crucial difference between the terms "all you can eat" and "all you care to eat".
Science is not about your feelings.
Gelatinous cubes were first summoned to take care of the widespread problem of gnome defecation in underground cities.
Virtue is its own punishment.
I never see the glass as half empty because I always drink straight from the bottle.
Everything you want is on the other side of fear.
Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
There was more than one lobster present at the birth of Jesus?
You will have a vision of peace, transcendent love, and infinite compassion, only to find it was all a dream. Also, your pillow is gone.
If you really want to enslave people, tell them you are going to give them total freedom.
The philosopher wonders, "is it better to ask permission or forgiveness?" and considers each. The smartass says, "can I ask you a question?" and assumes both.
I want to hold you like you are Mary and I am Joseph and I believe you.
I am about to drop the hammer and dispense some indiscriminate justice! What is your major malfunction?
Do you not see how necessary a world of pains and troubles is to school an intelligence and make it a soul?
Sure, the police can read your emails, but what do you have to hide? That was rhetorical. We already know.
That is not dead which can eternal lie, and with strange aeons even death may die.
You'll regret being so damn abusive when the electric UFO gods transphase in from Dimension Ten to appoint me manager of the universe. I said that out loud, didn't I?
Autumn... it's just the time to cheer yourself up by reading a quantum-goth meditation on death disguised as space opera.
I hate it when monsters curse at me in strange languages I can't understand.
There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about.
We do not place especial value on the possession of a virtue until we notice its total absence in our opponent.
All behavior is predictable. All communication is threat.
Bees know the secret of how the Universe was created. Honeycomb is actually a macro-scale sculpture of the lowest level of matter.
We laughed, cried, kicked puppies, and did other things associated with happiness.
Stop raping my bellybutton! If I wanted you to rape it, I'd let you!
Beer, of course, is actually a depressant. But poor people will never stop hoping otherwise.
Nobody move! I dropped me brain!
Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite.
I shall now teach you the terrifying ritual to summon Bugs Bunny.
To remain dominant in the future, we need to dominate the central nervous system.
Make today your own! Gag it, tie it up, beat it with a shovel, ASK TODAY WHY IT NEVER LOVED YOU
Your answer must be in a form of a question or we will cut off your head.
If there were justice, I'd be dead.
A man with one watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never quite sure.
Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?
I have often thought that the difference between a cult and a religion is an IRS ruling.
Sorry, for somebody to sell their soul they've gotta have one.
The harder you try, the dumber you look.
Lying is the new black.
Just because it's Communist propaganda doesn't mean it isn't true.
Universe is 14 billion years old. Seems silly to celebrate one year. Be like having a fucking parade every time I take a piss.
pulled out a pair of pliers and pulled a bullet out of my chest
If you were everyone but one person I would listen to everyone else.
Only the mediocre are always at their best.
Truly great madness cannot be achieved without significant intelligence.
There is no such thing as content.
Polaris rising in Scorpio this week is deeply troubling, as it has to be millions of light-years out of position to do so.
This is how the world is. It doesn't have to be.
The worst part about being you is pretending to be so bad in bed.
Comedy pioneers Monty Python did amazing new things nobody else had done before. Fans celebrate by endlessly repeating their jokes verbatim.
For those who seek perfection there can be no rest on this side of the grave.
I love deadlines... I like the whooshing sound they make as they pass by.
I bet you have a yummy soul.
Homophobia: the fear that gay men will treat you the way you treat women.
A conclusion is simply where you stopped thinking.
Given a choice between dancing pigs and security, users will pick dancing pigs every time.
I am constantly brainstorming all the different, completely unlikely ways I can accidentally maim myself.
If someone says that they don't like seeing you unhappy, look at them and scream, "So don't look at meeeeeeeee!"
You're not really drunk if you can lie on the floor without hanging on.
I owe the government $3,400 in back taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a toilet seat.
Don't tell me you have a "chocolate lab" if you're just talking about a kind of dog.
"How do you respond to those who have called you a 'bimbo'?" "A precision orbital strike."
It does not correspond to the true state of affairs. It is the true state of affairs.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know.
This isn't prose, it's gnats in formation!
A corpse has no place on a honeymoon.
I apparently have a shock-induced mental autopilot. And it evidently enjoys theological discussions. Okay.
A man is not finished when he's defeated; he's finished when he quits.
If women knew what we were thinking, they would never stop slapping us.
The smart way to keep people passive and obedient is to strictly limit the spectrum of acceptable opinion, but allow very lively debate within that spectrum.
People have the right to be stupid. Some people abuse that privilege.
For me, to be human is, for the most part, to hate what I am. When I suddenly realize that I am one of them, I want to scream in horror.
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
Why did the chicken go to the seance? To get to the other side.
Excessive confrontation is a kind of evasion.
If your brains were dynamite there wouldn't be enough to blow your hat off.
Pain is nature's way of telling you that you're stupid.
You maniacs! You blew it up! Oh, damn you! Damn you all to hell!
Don't talk back to Darth Vader, he'll getcha!
Faith does not give you the answers, it just stops you asking the questions.
If you promise not to think in my mouth, I'll blow your mind.
In Britain, Thanksgiving Day is a special day where people give thanks their forebears put those Jesus freaks on a boat 400 years ago.
Listen, when you get home tonight, you're going to be confronted by the instinct to drink alone. Trust that instinct. Manage the pain. Don't try to be a hero.
Humans: Bet you can't eat just one.
Operation This Will Most Likely End Badly is a go.
Like any terrorist, her grievance is sound: it's her methods that are unacceptable.
You do not watch the clock. The clock watches YOU.
"How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" "THAT'S NOT FUNNY."
I hate myself for owning this automatic coin-wrapper.
If you're havin' girl problems, I feel bad for you, son. Gender is an artificial construct, so I suspect what you have are problems with humans.
If I were going to cheat, I'd take the steroids that make me breathe fire.
If this is paradise, I wish I had a lawnmower.
The Panopticon — a new mode of obtaining power of mind over mind, in a quantity hitherto without example.
Judge if you want. We are all going to die. I intend to deserve it.
The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room!
Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
Could God make an argument so circular even he couldn't believe it?
What, you don't think the devil ever goes to church?
You have been mortally wounded and will die soon if not aided.
Your brain is a liar and a whore.
We'll stay out of his church if he stays out of our bedrooms.
What would God do? That question is always in my heart. A can of kerosene is always the answer.
At this rate I expect that if a true Turing-test-passing AI is ever developed, it will be by telemarketers or something. Skynet has awoken, and it wants you to help it move some money out of a Nigerian bank account.
I am cursed with a brain of vasty and unique intelligence!
Money to get power, power to protect money.
A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.
I'm coming to cut out your brain and use your skull as a flashy urinal, you hear me?
There are two types of people in this world. And I don't like them.
Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats.
It's like a train wreck in my mouth!
Take thee this thing covered with that stuff and give it unto that guy, that he may do things with it.
I work at a job I took for survival. And now I wish I was dead.
This is a Unix system; I know this!
Kiss me like the apocalypse.
And isn't love only for people who can be trusted?
Socrates was ugly, Plato was fat, and Aristotle was a prissy dresser.
If you analyze why certain people end up with certain other people, it will make you want to kill yourself.
Don't call me a "computer scientist". I'm a coder. I hate computer scientists. If I wanted to deal with people who're more concerned with correctness according to some set of made-up rules than with functionality, I'd go to a church.
Heck, I reckon you wouldn't even be human beings if you didn't have some pretty strong personal feelin's about nuclear combat.
Hey, dog entity! Rise up and bare your biscuit filthy fangs at the oppressive leash wielding demon!
Where is the madness that you promised me? Where is the dream for which I paid dearly?
Test not the patience of dragons, for ye are crunchy and good with ketchup.
A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the damned things is ample.