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I was drawn to programming, science, technology and science fiction
ever since I was a little kid. I can't say it's because I wanted to
make the world a better place. Not really. I was simply drawn to it
because I was drawn to it. Writing programs was fun. Figuring out how
nature works was fascinating. Science fiction felt like a grand
adventure.

Then I started a software company and poured every ounce of energy
into it. It failed. That hurt, but that part is ok. I made a lot of
mistakes and learned from them. This experience made me much, much
better. I'm satisfied with that.

What's not ok is *how* things ended. Many of the investors turned out
to be bloodthirsty vultures who tore the carcass to pieces. Had we
IPO'ed, these same people would have stood there with giant smiles
telling everyone how they'd always known we were special and how
they'd supported us all along.

I lost many friends. Throughout the whole thing I was lucky to meet
many brilliant, creative, talented people. Together, we worked *so*
hard. Now we don't talk.

I spent a lot of time thinking about how I contributed to these failed
relationships. I learned a lot from that too. It wasn't my finest
hour, but I can sleep at night fine. So I eventually decided it's
mostly nobody's fault. This is just the reality of what happens to
people when extreme stress ends in failure.

Then I worked for a tech giant, and then for a high-growth unicorn. It
shocked me how dilbertesque they both were. Full of politicians, and
burnt out engineers in golden handcuffs who can't wait to get out, and
meaningless business speak, and checked out employees who pretend
they're "excited" about everything all the time. The young, wide-eyed
engineers seem hopelessly naive to me now.

So the worst case scenario is that you get eaten by vultures and lose
friends. And the best case scenario is that you're in a soulless
machine that turns everyone into an automaton. I know that's not the
whole picture. It's not even most of the picture. But that's the part
I can't unsee.

For a long time I couldn't focus on any remotely intellectual pursuit.
I even thought I permanently damaged my brain. But eventually I
started exercising, went on anti-depressants, and started therapy.
Then I got a job that has nothing to do with technology. Slowly my
happiness returned, and with it my ability to focus. I do a lot of
sports now and hang out with my non-techy friends and my wife. I cook
a lot. I got into knot theory. I find it fascinating and can do it for
hours. I'm surprisingly not bad at it. So I know I still have my
faculties.

But I still can't program, can't write, can't think of new products,
can't read science fiction. I'm mostly happy, but there is always a
hint of dissatisfaction underneath. I miss the creative, optimistic
person I once was. I want to see past the cynicism. I want to write
programs and make things. I want to work with a ragtag team again to
bring something to life that didn't exist before. I want to learn how
to see past the bullshit and be creative again. But I can't get myself
to do it. I hear the call and I know there's still a spark. But when I
take even the smallest step everything turns bleak and mundane. It's
like the magic has been bled out of me and I don't know how to summon
it back.

Has anyone been through this who managed to recover their optimism and
creative spirit? Please help me. What can I do?

Hey, I just want to put this out there, may be someone will find it useful for them.

I think I've been through something similar after 16 years working in tech.

• got rejected multiple times for SWE roles
• failed a startup business
• failed a consulting business
• mid-career switch: failed to break into data science role after spending 3 years of studying Machine Learning

I come to accept that failure is part of life.

I was beating and recovering from burnout last year. Practically, what works for me (YMMV):

• Take a break
• Do nothing — deliberate procrastination is healthy
• Do something you love — I spent months disconnected from the world, leave my phone, and went on an adventure back to the simple good 'ol days of life, living in some rural area 🙂
• Retreat — I just finished my educational retreat. Code retreat (not bootcamp). Self-directed learning modeled after Recurse Center.
• Meditation — I meditate regularly, mostly solo but recently, in group. I like the group supports in Insight Timer.
• Join a community
• Sometimes taking a mental health day, a day off that's geared toward stress relief, is the best thing you can do for yourself.

If anyone is interested, I've written a bit about my experience before: https://cedricchee.com/2020/04/21/career-and-code-retreat-retro-16-years-working-in-tech/

Stay safe and take care. Cheers!

With a service spirit, you are ok here and wherever, now and at any time.

Hey, @mGBUfLn9,
Please consider to write a book. It will be a bestseller.
I really find your writing style fascinating and I can imagine the situation below in color while I am reading it...

"Then I worked for a tech giant, and then for a high-growth unicorn. It
shocked me how dilbertesque they both were. Full of politicians, and
burnt out engineers in golden handcuffs who can't wait to get out, and
meaningless business speak, and checked out employees who pretend
they're "excited" about everything all the time. The young, wide-eyed
engineers seem hopelessly naive to me now."

Best Wishes!

I understand your situation, just forget about your work for 1 month and start listing Krishna Das bhajans, it will give you the energy to restore your confidence, there are many Radhe Krishna bhajans that you can listen to, remember to stop you Everything works for 1 month, then I can guarantee that you will succeed in all areas of your life. God bless you! Love from Rohit Sharma.