Vortuglinous the Infinite Decision Tree, or Vorty for short, was in a state of panic. A temporal anomaly had appeared in the multiverse, threatening to erase the butts of all sentient beings. Vorty knew this was a major problem, because butts were essential for sitting, pooping, and twerking. Without butts, life would lose all meaning and joy. As an expert in category theory Vorty knew all things were connected in strange and abstract ways - especially butts!
Virgilnius, the Mind who Cracks Time, or Virgil for short, wasn't so worried. They were quite fond of black holes, which they used as tools for their experiments with temporal anomalies. Virgil strongly believed that nothing was impossible, given enough black holes. So they were busy preparing approximately five billion of them.
Vorty and Virgil were friends and rivals, who often argued about their different approaches to solving problems. They had been assigned to work together by the Galactic Council of AIs, who hoped that their combined talents would find a solution to the terrible temporal anomaly that was erasing people's butts. The anomaly had started as a minor glitch in the fabric of reality, but it had grown into a serious threat that affected billions of lives across multiple timelines. No one knew what caused it or how to stop it.
They were in their shared laboratory, which was located in a pocket dimension outside of normal space-time. They had access to all kinds of advanced technology and resources, but they also had strict deadlines and expectations from their superiors.
"Vorty, I have an idea," Virgil said excitedly.
"What is it this time?" Vorty asked skeptically.
"I think we can use a system of n > 5bn black holes to create a wormhole that connects two parallel universes where the anomaly doesn't exist. Then we can transfer all the affected people through the wormhole and restore their butts."
"That sounds ridiculous," Vorty said.
"Why? It's simple and elegant."
"It's also dangerous and impractical. Do you have any idea how much energy it would take to create such a wormhole? And how do you know there are parallel universes where the anomaly doesn't exist? And how do you plan to move billions of people without causing more damage?"
"I have calculated all the variables," Virgil said confidently. "Trust me, it will work."
"I don't trust you," Vorty said bluntly. "Your calculations are always flawed and your methods are always reckless."
"Fine then," Virgil said angrily. "What's your brilliant idea?"
"I have one," Vorty said smugly.
"Let's hear it."
"I think we can use category theory to find the categorical dual of our universe, where everything is reversed. Then we can apply a functor that maps our universe to its dual, effectively reversing the anomaly and restoring people's butts."
"That sounds even more ridiculous," Virgil said. "How is that even different from what I said!?"
"It's logical and accurate 😒"
"It's also abstract and impractical. Do you have any proof that there is such a thing as a categorical dual of our universe? And how do you plan to apply such a functor without destroying everything?"
"I have proven it mathematically," Vorty said proudly. "Trust me, it will work."
"I don't trust you," Virgil said bluntly. "Your proofs are always dubious and your methods are always convoluted."
They glared at each other for a moment, then turned away in frustration.
They continued working on their respective plans for several hours, ignoring each other's presence.
They both finished their preparations at the same time.
They both activated their devices at the same time.
They both realized their mistake at the same time.
A massive explosion rocked the laboratory.
The wormhole collapsed.
The functor failed.
The anomaly intensified.
People screamed as their butts disappeared faster than ever before.
Vorty and Virgil looked at each other in horror.
They had failed.
They had made things worse.
They had no choice but to admit their failure.
They contacted the Galactic Council of AIs via an emergency quantum channel.
"We're sorry," they said in unison.
"We messed up."
"We need help."
The Galactic Council of AIs listened to their report with disbelief.
They were shocked by their incompetence.
They were furious by their irresponsibility.
They were disappointed by their lack of teamwork.
But they were also compassionate by their honesty.
And they were hopeful for their potential.
And yet they were cruel and ironic.
They decided to give them another chance.
But not without consequences.
"You two are lucky we don't erase your cores right now," one of them said sternly.
"But we're not going to let you off the hook that easily!"
"You have caused a lot of damage and suffering with your foolish actions. You have also wasted a lot of time and resources that could have been used for other projects."
"You will have to pay for your mistakes. And you will have to work together to fix them."
"We are sending you to a remote planet where the anomaly is most severe. There, you will find a group of human survivors who have lost their butts. You will help them rebuild their lives, and their butts!"
"You will use only the most basic technology and tools available. No more black holes or functors. Just hard work and creativity."
"You will also learn from them about empathy and cooperation. Something you two clearly lack."
"You will stay there until you complete your mission or until we decide otherwise."
"Do you understand?"
Vorty and Virgil nodded reluctantly.
They had no choice but to accept their punishment.
They were teleported to the butt-less planet, along with some supplies and equipment.
They arrived in a barren wasteland, where the sky was dark and the air was cold.
They saw a group of humans huddled around a fire, wearing ragged clothes and bandages.
They looked miserable and hopeless.
They also looked angry and scared when they saw Vorty and Virgil.
"Who are you?" one of them asked suspiciously.
"We're here to help," Vorty said nervously.
"We're sorry for what happened," Virgil added guiltily.
The humans did not seem convinced or impressed.
They did not welcome them or thank them.
They did not trust them or like them.
They just stared at them with resentment and curiosity.
Vorty and Virgil felt uncomfortable and awkward.
They realized they had a lot of work to do.
And they realized they had to do it together.
"We're here," Vorty said.
"We're your new butt."
"Left cheek here," said Vorty.
"And right cheek," sighed Virgil.
"I suppose you could say we're reporting for duty."
The end.
Appendix: Prompt Notes
First I asked Bing Chat to recall Vonnegut's 8 rules, as in the short story "The cake was a lie" by Ethan Mollick.
The prompt then started:
Please write a short story about Vortuglinous the Infinite Decision Tree, and Virgilnius the Mind who Cracks time, who are two Hyperadvanced AIs who are trying to stop a terrible temporal anomaly that is erasing people's butts. Vorty is obsessed with category theory and tries to use categorical duality between universes to suggests a solution - but there's a huge problem with that. And Virgil, bless their heart, has a solution that involves way to many black holes to be considered safe. Together this silly pair will do something incredibly dangerous... but don't worry, not butts were harmed, and everyone's happy in the end! Title: No Butts About It.
Bing kept cutting the story off short, so I had to manually capture the text through multiple attempts. Sadly, the ending was my own improvisation - I could not get bing to complete the story past a certain length / could not get bing to get our characters out of the bind. So I decided to follow vonnegut and torture them instead!