Conference socials in bars: How culture doesn't match comfort

socials.md

I was hesitant as to whether or not to publish this, but in an act to create awareness in a community where some people, including me, are left uncomfortable and no one notices, I decided to go ahead. Feel free to share your experiences too, to further spread awareness in our community, because awareness is the first step.

I noticed that I started being more and more reserved the more events I went to rather than the other way around. This worried me and I was up until late hours thinking, why is that?

What happens at the events may be part of that, so here I'm sharing to create awareness. Bear in mind that this is only a handful of things that happened to me at conference socials, to give you an idea as to why I'm nowadays inclined to only hangout with the people I know, or skip the conference socials all together.

When you notice that behaviour from me remember that: It's not you, it's me, feel free to say hi but please understand why I may be a bit shy at first.

Disclaimer: I didn’t report most of this to the organisers, in the cases where I did, appropriate measures were taken and I couldn’t be more thankful for the amazing organisation of these events, they're all awesome and I can recommend them to everyone! ❤️

WHISKYWEB1 crowded bar social: Guy got completely shitfaced, I went back to hotel, he followed me, grabbed me and tried to kiss me, my phone was out of battery so all I could do was run.

PHPUK14: Guy got surprised because I was speaking, he thought I was someones +1, then interrogated me to find out if I could code or not.

DPC: I didn't meet new people because I was a bit afraid of the loud bar culture, but had an amazing time with old friends.

Laracon EU 2013: Only female attendee, I didn't know anyone, people didn't talk to me until day2.

Laracon EU 2014: Attended with someone, their behavior likely stopped anything too bad from happening.

PHPNW14: Fun, but got quite many innapropriate comments from drunk british guys, one who kept commenting on how he had the hots for redheads, creeped me out.

Lonestar 2014 in bar nearby: Guy slapped my butt 3 times, CoC was broken, appropriate measures were taken, guy appologized and left conference, thanks to the organisers for being so awesome with this!! ❤️

Lonestar 2015, board game socials: Just fun nothing bad happened, that's rare, but I hung out with people I know.

Sunshine 2015: Lots of inappropriate comments in the hottub (There's a hot tub at the venue but there was not an official social involving it), but nothing 'too bad'.

PHPDay 2015: I went to bed, guy who got my number called just when I had fallen asleep, I didn't answer. He texted and asked if he could join me in bed.

Tek 2015 board game social: Fun laughs and games and serious conversations.

Tek 2015 at a bar nearby: Got a few people flirting with me giving me innocent comments over the days, one guy asked if I wanted to have sex with him from out of nowhere.

I noticed a very big difference in events with bar socials and events without them, without the bar socials I felt more included and fewer inappropriate things happened, there are conferences I haven't even mentioned in this list such as PHPBenelux where the socials are at the venue, even though there is a lot of alcohol involved there, people were much more appropriate towards me.

Alcohol may on its own create douchebag behaviour. People drink to a point where they can't control their own behaviour, why is something I've always wondered, but I don't think alcohol is our problem, I as a lot of other people enjoy a nice chat with a beer in my hand.

I think the main problem is the type of socials that events are having, combining the modern bar culture with social events. A theory is that if the social is at the venue it may remind the attendees that the CoC is still in effect. I also don't believe that any social should focus on alcohol, always have a social activity as the main activity, games, puzzles, mysteries, fun and let alcohol be something on the side and I'm sure that you will find people in general being more comfortable.

As a person who very much enjoys a beer with friends at conference socials, I would happily do without alcohol if it stopped some of these frankly shocking scenes.

Sadly, I know of just as many times as this when alcohol had no bearing on the jerks doing inappropriate things, but I've said before that conferences should distance themselves from alcohol consumption. If we want to arrange to go to a bar after a day at a conference then that should be our prerogative, but not forced on people who don't want to be involved in that scene.

Thanks for Sharing @michellesanver - it must have taken a lot of effort.

There is a demand for social activities in the evening and so imho its up to the conference to ensure that there are sensible options. In this sense if their "solution" is to leave it up to the attendees to pick one of the many bars, then they should at least still feel responsible for what is going on there. So yes, any out of hotel events announced via twitter or some other "anyone welcome" channel should still enforce the CoC. this however also means that maybe there should be some process of alerting organizers of what is happening .. then again its not too hard to follow twitter streams with hashtags.

Saddest part is that the people who should read this, probably won't.

All that can be hoped for is likely that the people who keep you comfortable at those events raise their notice for uncomfortable scenes around you. Good write up though.

Saddest part is that the people who should read this, probably won't.

@manuakasam Unfortunately, I would bet on that too 😢

There are probably only a few idiots but they ruin the event for some and give the rest a bad name - is having a black list an option?

@michellesanver come and hang with us next time, we are a decent bunch of guys!

Thanks for writing this, it makes me furious to hear the behavior you described.

And this is why I do not feel comfortable with all the pub-type meet ups. Thank you for sharing this.

My condolences on the experiences that have happened to you.

I have run hackathons and similar tech events and for the last few years I've always made sure that a big proportion of the social events are not in bars and not focused on alcohol. I hope more organizers do the same.

I am firm believer in at-or-near-venue socials that are alcohol optional and not loud-crowded-mass-of-people for many reasons. This is one of them. 😦

Michelle, I'm sorry you had to put up with that. It's not at all acceptable.

And a big thank you to the organizers that DO provide better socials and DO handle CoC violations well.

As someone who will partake in alcohol if available at such conferences, if a dry conference is what it takes to drop the incidence of this harassment, I'd make that tradeoff in a heartbeat. If the answer is placing more emphasis on the CoC, both in and near the conference venue (and that's likely part of the answer), let's do that.

Also, +1 to @Crell's comment.

"I was hesitant as to whether or not to publish this..."

Am glad you had the courage to publish it. Too many women are afraid to speak out about sexism they face in the PHP community because of the push back they get - not only from men but also from other women.

I am sorry for these offenses you have faced and stand with you.

@eddiejaoude

is having a black list an option?

I have raised this before, apparently at least in the US, it opens way too many legal issues to do this (discrimination, etc). So, the simple answer is: no.

@dshafik Casinos seem to manage this sort of thing, but IANAL etc.

@michellesanver Definitely thanks for sharing this. It's easy for some of us to just not realise that this stuff happens :-/