The Righteous Hero List

righteous-hero.txt

The Righteous Hero List, a companion to the Evil Overlord List (http://www.eviloverlord.com/)

  1. I will not make alliances with any of my arch nemesis.

  2. If I must have a girlfriend/love-interest, she will be trained in martial arts so as to better defend
     herself against the Evil Overlord, who will surely try to use her as leverage against me.

  3. I will champion the death penalty for my arch nemesis.

  4. I will never leave home without a lockpicking kit.

  5. I will train in the use of the weapons my enemies favor the most.

  6. I believe in duct-tape first, and guns second.

  7. Explosives are a close third.

  8. I will keep the object which is my one weakness in the Evil Overlord's safe-deposit box. He will never think
     to look there.

  9. When the Evil Overlord is charging his Unstoppable Superweapon, I will gather all other heroes and stand in 
     front of a small cardboard box, taunting the Evil Overlord for no good reason. The Evil Overlord will become 
     confused and turn off the Unstoppable Superweapon, and instead attack with conventional forces.

 10. Despite the advantages of stealth, my means of transportation will not be invisible or otherwise hard to find
     in a tight spot.

 11. I will not wear spandex.

 12. I will give the Evil Overlord every possible opportunity to `monologue' or laugh maniacally.

 13. Despite any information to the contrary, I will never assume that I am invulnerable.

 14. When on quests to destroy objects of power at specific locations, I will take public transportation. Walking
     is slow and dangerous.

 15. Before becoming a hero, I will ensure that I have a job which has flexible work hours.

 16. I will not confess my hero identity to my girlfriend.

 17. While acting as a hero, I will not carry any form of personal identification.

 18. Even though it is very sad that the Evil Overlord has killed/murdered my girlfriend, she is in a better
     place, and I will not get too angry. There will always be other women.

 19. In a hostage negotiation situation, I will always carry at least three fully-loaded concealed weapons.

 20. If I am so blessed to have a daughter, when the Evil Overlord abducts her, there is no such thing as
     `morals' or `mercy' until she is safely returned.

 21. I will ensure that all members of my party have access to and use a professional psychiatrist.

 22. I will not have any illegitimate children.

 23. When I infiltrate the Evil Overlord's fortress, in addition to stealing his plans for World Domination, I
     will also steal his Grandma's Potato Salad recipe.

 24. I cannot fight Evil on an empty stomach.

 25. I will, under no circumstances, listen to the predictions of a `seer.'

 26. I will not marry or date an elf. It never helps.

 27. I will never travel with hobbits, leprechauns, kinders, or gnomes.

 28. No matter what the label on the big red button is, I will never simply push it without first trying all the 
     other buttons.

 29. I will not pull levers to which I do not know what they are connected to.

 30. I will not have the party split up. Especially when it is dark.

 31. If the Evil Overlord provides the general population with free unlimited Internet access in an effort to
     keep them permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will immediately learn to use `Photoshop.'

 32. I will ensure that I know my actual genealogy before a fight with the Evil Overlord.

 33. No capes.

 34. I will not accept drinks from strangers.

 35. No vampires.

 36. When in doubt, empty the clip.

 37. I will hire a drama coach.

 38. Time machines are more trouble than they are worth.

 39. As a Righteous Hero, I will fight drug cartels and even mafias. Accepting weepy sidekicks and pet monkeys
     into my party is where I draw the line.

 40. I will do whatever it takes to get the Evil Overlord's five-year-old child advisor grounded.

 41. I will not spend exorbitant amounts of money on hair gel. Weapons are much more useful.

 42. Profanity is not necessary to make me `cool.'

 43. When the shields are up, the time for diplomacy is past.

 44. I will never bother with phasers. I will always use my most powerful weapons first.

 45. With respect to interdimensional rifts, the spirit of rule # 38 applies.

 46. Zombies.

 47. I will never teleport into a random auxiliary room on the Evil Overlord's starship/fortress. Teleporting 
     directly next to the main control room is much faster and safer.

 48. When fighting the Borg, I will leave them to try and assimilate Chuck Norris. The humor alone is worth it.

 49. As interesting as magic is, guns are more reliable.

 50. All werewolves in my party will be required to wear a muzzle beginning a full day before the full moon.

 51. In the event my girlfriend is turned into a zombie, vampire, or a member of the Borg Collective, I will slay
     her post haste. Then see Rule # 18.

Contributors:
 * Elder Chris Miller (aka fsdev-cmiller)
 * Elder Adam Ford
 * Elder Michael Campbell
 * Elder Jesse Dooley

Rule 9: I will gater all other - I will gather all other

nice list