frasier.txt

Chop, chop, Dad! Let's get a move on! The last time I was late for the farmer's market, I got the worst of the squash blossoms.
What?!
Oh, dear lord, give it here.
Two bags of chips, three puddin' cups, and a root beer.
A, this is not a lunch, and B, I fail to see how it took you so long since you did not make anything but simply transferred smaller containers into a larger one. Let's go!
Hi.
Oh...
What's going on?
Well, thank goodness.
Why?! If we had missed your wedding, well it would have just killed me.
Well of course it would. Niles, we've been there through the last ten tortured years of your courtship. How could we not be hurt if we missed the wedding?
That is just wonderful! And you know what? By way of a celebration, please allow me to treat us all to dinner at Couer du Singe. How does that sound, eh?
Well, I'm here too.
Yes, if you'll excuse me, I'm in a rush to get to the farmer's market.
That we do! On your fiery throne presiding over the damned! All right, lets-let's go.
Hey, maybe the judge knows somebody. Hang on a second here. Your honor...
What? What about Mrs. Moon?
I say a lot of things.
It was my pleasure. Dad, don't you have something to add?
No, I was referring to the gift we have for them.
Yes, yes! Dad, give them the gift.
And nota bene, it's been engraved with today's date in order to commemorate your wedding date until your real gift arrives.
Pardon me. I have to go and poke out my mind's eye.
What the hell's going on? You guys already got married.
That's crazy!
Oh, please! All the wine presses in Bordeaux wouldn't crush that woman. Niles, what you and Daphne shared today was utterly unique.
Yes, it was a singular moment. Anyone fooled by a repeat performance would have to be a complete imbecile.
Fine. But I'm not singing "Wonderful World" again.
Oh, dear lord, is that... Donny? Everybody, look at your shoes!
No, no, not at all. Say, is that a drinking fountain over there?
Well, here we go then.
Oh, hey Roz. Can I join you?
Ah... May I have a latté to go, please? And I... I hope that they're paying you extra to wear that.
Ah. Well, as you know my tipping policy stands firmly on the twin pillars of courtesy and efficiency. But today I shall include - – whimsy. Merry Christmas.
Well...
It's Christmas time I say let a thousand antlers bloom.
Oh... oh, Roz.
Roz, if you needed extra cash you should have come to me. I've got plenty of odd chores around the house.
Oh! Well, good for you, yes.
Mmmm... I always found him terrifying - and inquisitorial.
Uh-huh.
I'm sorry I laughed at you, Roz. You should be very proud of yourself.
Oh, right. You know what, I'm going too, I'll walk with you.
Actually Roz, why don't you go ahead? I'm going to get myself a scone.
Oh, hi guys. Good to see you.
Come on in.
Oh, I'm sorry. I've already loaned it to Lawrence Emerson and his mandrel-caroling group.
Oh...
Because then it wouldn't be wassail, it would be punch.
That's very funny. Uh, listen Daphne, uh, I was just wondering, is your mum partial to a traditional Cornwell dressing? You see, I'm thinking it'd go splendidly with the 12-lb. Hungarian goose that I'm serving.
Oh...
Well, uh, as lovely as that sounds--
Uh, well, Niles because it's a little late to be changing things, isn't it? Besides, we've always had Christmas here, it's a tradition.
Yes, but we agreed that when you hosted Thanksgiving, that we would have Christmas here in its traditional setting.
But I've had new stockings loomed for everyone - now there, you see, you've made me spoil the surprise - and did anyone hear that I have ordered a Hungarian goose?!
It's not my date, it's dinner!
Honestly Niles, I'm really quite affronted by this.
You're the churl!
Dad, who do you think said it first?
Alright then dad, you decide where we're having Christmas.
NO!!
Oh, will you shut up!
Roz! Hello.
It's a little on the nose, isn't it?
Anyway, I was at the mall and thought that I'd drop off a donation for the Toy Drive.
No, no, actually this is another “Dancing Santa” for dad. His other one got damaged.
Yes, which damaged it.
What's this? Do I sense a little office romance... here at Santa's Workshop?
And let me guess, he's also a hunk?
Oh, Snowflake. Over here.
Ah, which reminds me. How are things with Mr. Claus, mm?
What's the matter? Low... elf-esteem?
Two days. I almost called you.
What's this? Niles with dad. I knew it!
He's fighting. I'm not fighting.
Because it is just so unfair.
Oh, you wouldn't understand.
Because, it's so egregious.
I don't know. Okay, look, it just seems that Niles is systematically emptying my home. We used to have Thanksgiving dinner there... gone! Daphne... gone! If I let him have Christmas, I'll have nothing left. Just end up some... doddering old bachelor sipping tea and keeping the apartment at a balmy seventy-eight degrees.
Excuse me. I smell skullduggery afoot.
Hey, dad.
New thermos? Niles, I'd have never thought you'd stoop so low.
You are trying to bribe dad to have Christmas at your place!
Yes, yes, alright dad.
Oh, alright!
Excuse me Niles, but I have news for you. Copernicus called and you are not the center of the universe!
Well you were wrong!
Oh, dad, you can't be serious?
Dad, uh, Niles and I would like to apologize. It was untoward of us to... to argue of where to have Christmas.
Uh, thank you dad. So you'll have Christmas with us?
When do you start?
Bye, dad.
I know. He's always the first one under the tree. Mom always said that he was the biggest kid, because he could never wait to open his presents.
Niles. Where is it written that we have to have Christmas at either of our homes?
No, no. What I am saying... is dad has to work. Why can't we bring the holiday to him?
Oh, better yet. What if the gifts were already here?
Okay, here's what I'm thinking.
We take the gifts that are here and put them under the tree at my house. Get the real gifts and bring them here, all unbeknownst to dad.
Can't you just see us casually stopping by on Christmas morning? "Hello, dad. Merry Christmas, oh it's just a shame that you had to spend Chri- Hello? What's this I spy? A present for Martin?”
Well, here's another one. One for Niles. And one for Daphne.
Oh, Niles. It'll be the best Christmas we've ever had!
Oh no, Niles that's your pine rash, you’re too close to the tree.
Dad! What are you doing still sitting there? I told you ten minutes ago that we were going out for Christmas Eve ice cream.
Well, then maybe we should, uh, take Eddie and uh, walk it off. Come on, mister! Let's go!
No, no, no, no.
Listen. Dad’s still here, I couldn't get rid of him. You'll have to come back in an hour.
Alright, what we need is a really good distraction. I'll tell you what. Knock when you think of one.
Nothing. Thought I heard the door knock.
Oh, hello guys. Dad, look who it is. It's Niles and Daphne.
So, what brings you two here?
Niles, did you notice my Christmas village? Would you like to see smoke waft out of the cobbler's chimney?
Just with our luck, we get the only lobby decorator in all of Seattle.
How much time do you think Daphne can buy over dad?
Right!
You see Niles, I told you.
Daphne! No more surprises.
Well, you can blame that on the nog!!
Yes. Only this time we have the merry chance of playing Santa.
Niles, I'm so sorry that we almost ruined Christmas with our arguing.
What?
No, you didn't.
The elevator door?
Great. Now what do we do?
Yes.
What are we...
How the hell should I know?
Yes, yes, I see what you mean, Niles. It's all a matter of perspective.
I knew it! You didn't compliment mine, because you have one too.
Alright, alright. We don't have time for this, now which ones are which?
Are you sure?
Fine. alright, alright.
Yes, now you put those in the elevator. I'll tell Daphne the coast is clear.
Here Daphne, I'll help you find the tape.
Wait, dad! I'll do that. You should just relax.
Niles. So... how are you?
Right.
Dad, uh, what are you doing here?
Sorry, dad.
You know, we could throw a brick through the glass, but they're all wrapped up under our tree.
Nonsense.
Nothing. Just another piece of Cam Winston's mail has found its way into our box. It's been happening a lot since we switched mailboxes. Even after I gave the postman a stern lecture.
Anyway, it was an honest mistake. Cam and I are on all the same mailing lists, and I'm sure mine is in his box. Besides, it's nothing personal, look, it's just an announcement for some place called La Porte d'Argent.
No, no, no, this is not "froufrou," Dad, as evidenced by the manly scent of balsam.
They obviously deal with a very upscale clientele.
Yes?
Poor Niles.
Yes, but that's what's so intriguing, Dad, that there exists an exclusive place in Seattle that neither of us knows about.
It's a machine. It's asking me to enter my six-digit access code. What'll I do?
Oh, denied!
All right, here's our plan. We go to the university computer lab, bribe some hungry hacker, and, once we've tapped into their mainframe, La Porte D'Argent will give up her sweet secret like a blushing bride on her wedding night!
All right, Dad, that's a "Plan B".
Are you accusing me of deception?
Cam! Cam Winston! There you are.
You know, while I was waiting for you, I decided to test the mettle of this young man. I'm pleased to report that he follows the rules of La Porte D'Argent to the letter.
Anyway, I am a guest of Mr. Cam Winston's here. He told me to meet him here, gave me the invitation and here I am.
Niles, it's a day spa!
Would you stop talking like that? That's the worst impersonation of Cam Winston I've ever heard.
Of course not.
Now you're stuck talking like that all day.
Oh, Niles, the arovetic massage sounds splendid: two therapists at once, using hot stones and a blend of essential oils personally created for your dosha.
Oh, Niles, look at this bounty! Take a risk, be a man!
Now that's more like it.
Ooh.
Niles, I just wish you had tried the vusattasen aqua-treatment. I feel as if I'd had a rebirthing experience. I've never felt better in my life.
Hello.
Nirvana.
Nirvana ain't cheap. Well, it's worth it, I suppose. What do you say we make this a standing appointment, Niles?
Yes.
Oh, Niles, this smells great. Try that.
Ah, hence the brittle lashes.
It is! Oh, Niles, this just gets better and better. Balanced skin and social advancement all in one setting. I'm going to go say hello.
Well, we ARE on the list.
This is absurd! I am a member of every exclusive club in this entire town. You must have a reciprocal membership with one of them.
And just how are we supposed to enjoy this!?
And this isn't working!
"Blended for your dosha," indeed! They wouldn't know my dosha if they fell over it!
It was a hell-hole! They had the nerve to call it a day spa, when it's nothing more than a mere front for a bona fide luxury spa which taunts those kept at bay outside its golden door!
It had to be! The door was gold, ours was only silver. Gold is better than silver.
Let's go comb our Rolodexes!
Really? Well, I could use something to balm my wounds. Painful as it is, I've come to accept that I shall never pass through that spa's gold door.
Yes?
What am I looking at?
Yes, yes, all right Roz, that's enough! All right!
Oh, Niles, no good news, I suppose.
Yes!
We saw a senator go in there. A senator! We elected him, he works for us! How is it fair that our employee is admitted while we are shunted off to the icy depths of silver level?!
Although Roz does make a point, Niles. What kind of fantasy are we chasing?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just imagining supermodels with that crook Senator Ogden.
Would you? Absolutely!
Oh, excuse me.
Niles.
I just had a, a color therapy treatment, my eyes haven't readjusted yet. They sent me in here to relax.
Roz was so wrong. Completely wrong. Oh, there. My eyes are better. Oh, Niles, you should see this place.
Well, it's just paradise. From the rare exotic orchids, to the trompe l'oeil sky, to the perfectly bubbled stream, to the...
There's a platinum door.
Yes!
No! It's just brazenly standing there!
Right!
Niles! What are we doing?
This is exactly what Roz said!
Niles, this is heaven, right here and now! Why do we have think about someplace else?
Niles, why can't we be happy? Why must we allow the thought of something that at this point can only be incrementally better ruin what is here and now?
No! I am through chasing the eternal carrot. Whatever is behind that door shall remain behind that door, unseen!
Oh for God's sake, you can't even walk, you ninny! All right, all right, I will go, just to take a peek.
"Please remain... in the relaxation grotto"?
Have crueler words ever been spoken? Well, that's it. I am determined to see where they think I don't belong!
Niles! Healing warmth and light! It must be a magnificent solarium!
Yes! This is where we belong.
Oh dear, Niles. I don't think this is part of the spa!
Hello! Hello! Anyone in the relaxation grotto!
Bees?! Niles! Our sweet and edible facials! Run!
We'll be right back with Julia Wilcox and our new stock market update after this.
Kenny, come on. "Julia" does not rhyme with "moolah."
Oh, they are not, stop it. Isn't it enough that she's getting ten minutes of my show?
Yes, but at what cost? The woman's credibility is questionable.
She wrote a book called Day Trade Your Way Out of Debt. Apparently, some people lost money.
Yes.
Yes, yes. I must say that I enjoyed your work on CNBC. I thought that you were an insightful analyst, and I don't believe that you were treated fairly.
That Roz... Let me put that over there. Hello, Seattle. Welcome back! If you've tuned in for mental health advice with an erudite twist, well then, my show will be back up at the top of the hour. And now, for something new, yet germane, as finances can be the cause of that old bugaboo, stress, here now...
Excuse me. Uh, I was supposed to introduce you.
Well, I was giving you an hospitable segue. You see, I thought that since you're new here, I could lend you my equity, if you will. It was just a courtesy...
Next time, I'll get the coffee.
Hey guys. Oh, Roz, I can't believe you shelled out three dollars to revel in someone else's misfortune.
Well, you can get the same thing on tape for a buck-fifty. Get this: it's read by Martha Stewart! How's that for your double whammy?
Hmm. Truth be told, I actually feel sorry for her. She has suffered a very public fall. She must be carrying all kinds of guilt about the people who lost their savings following her advice. You know, perhaps I should have a talk with her.
What?
What are you talking about?
Oh, Roz, you couldn't be more off the mark.
All right, stop it, both of you!
Hello, Niles.
Oh, we're just discussing a new, rather unpleasant colleague of ours. Be thankful you're self-employed. You don't have to deal with these headaches.
Your spackle allergy again?
Hmmm.
You know what? I think I will go and offer her an olive branch.
Oh, stop it. Knock it off.
Hello, Julia.
Listen, I, uh... I'm sorry the two of us got off to a bit of a frosty start, but, uh, I think that in time we will have a very long and rewarding relationship.
May I tell you a story?
Years ago, I lived in Boston. I was in private practice then and my life was very good. And then my wife left me. I ended up on a ledge, threatening to-to throw myself off if she didn't return to me.
Well, this got on the news, of course, and needless to say, after that, patients were a little hard to come by. So... I just wanted you to know that I too have suffered a very public setback.
Exactly.
Well, if that's how you feel.
Well, actually, I don't call them, they call me.
Well. Good day, then.
Horrible!
Yes, Dad. You have been using that same old joke for the last ten years. So, anyway, I ran into this fan...
So this woman complimented me on my so-called chemistry with that harpy Julia. Have you ever heard anything more preposterous? Good Lord! The woman sneezed once, and I said "Bless you." That has been the extent of our byplay.
I will not even dignify that with a response. Except to say that you couldn't be more wrong.
She is a cold, insufferable know-it-all!
All right, that's it. No more talking about Julia.
It has always been "Julia." That is her name.
Listen, my outrage is completely merited. That woman is deliberately trying to undermine my show from within. I'm sorry to disappoint all of you, but I have absolutely no feelings for that woman except contempt.
I know what you used to say: "They should all be tear-gassed!"
Ah, here you are. Listen... it's time the two of us had it out. Ever since you arrived here, you have been nothing but condescending and dismissive.
There, you did it again.
What are you talking about? It's ten minutes.
No, I will not excuse you. I am reaching out to you here.
As your colleague, I do not deserve to be treated this way.
I will not be belittled by a half-educated, money-grubbing parvenu!
That makes you an insecure fraud!
Harridan!
Shrew!
Are you as turned on as I am?
What? No... No... I thought... I thought that you...
I apologized! I... I...
Hi, guys!
They hate me, don't they?
I know. I have apologized till I'm blue in the face.
Oh, Roz... come on, you know it was just a mistake. What do you think I am, some kind of disgusting Lothario?
How much longer do we have to sit for this nonsense?
I did not assault her. I simply expressed unhappiness that she was taking fifteen minutes from my show. She responded by belittling my profession.
No, look, look! I just misread her... her signals. I thought that her hostility was displaced attraction.
Well, of course it was, that's all there is to you. Ever since you arrived at this station we have reached out to you in friendship and all we've gotten in return is arrogance and unbridled rudeness.
How dare you? At KACL, we are a family. Every person in this room respects one another...
You know, you can act as tough as you want, but I see through you.
You're not in the big leagues anymore. Blame it on the market. Blame it on bad luck. But somewhere in the back of your head is that nagging voice that keeps saying maybe you weren't good enough.
And now that you're here, you won't form relationships, you keep everybody at arm's length, anything to convince yourself that this is just a stop along the way. And above it all, I think you're terrified that you're going to fail here too. Then what do I know? I'm just a Magic Eight Ball with a Harvard... and Oxford degree.
It's forty-five past the hour, which means it's time once again for the woman who... ...is known as Julia Wilcox.
I appreciate that, and in time I believe that we will be able to establish a collegial relationship. However, I think we should both acknowledge the feelings of hostility that remain between us...
Now, see here, I...
Dad? Dad, Dad! What? Are you hiding?
Well, I don't really know. She said she was flying across the country to ask me about something that was important. She's being very mysterious about it.
Well, no. No, Dad, I'm not seeing her until tomorrow.
Oh, Lilith. Hi. Look who's here, Dad.
Please, come on in, Lilith. So, I didn't think I was going to be seeing you 'til tomorrow.
Well, that's wonderful news. How can I help?
I beg your pardon?
Well, you certainly don't need me for that. Surely... someone in Boston must have sperm.
So, just like that we're going to have another baby together.
I see. Well, as enticed as I am by your honeyed words, I'm gonna need some kissin'.
Would we... sleep together?
Is that a "yes" or a "no"?
Right, okay. So, then your plan is for me to visit some local doctor, freeze my essence and then bring it home with you.
I don't know. I'm going to have to think about it.
Okay.
You were eavesdropping?
She completely threw me.
How does one respond to something like that?
Really, it's just so self-centered. I mean, she's got this all figured out for herself without the slightest consideration for my life.
What?
What are you talking about?
Oh, hi, Niles. Did Daphne and her mom get off okay?
Why did they have to go so far?
Well, I'm just saying Daphne's mom should be careful, you know. If you're here on a temporary visa, you know sometimes people have a hard time getting back into the country.
Well, seeing as how you're single, I'd invite you to join me for dinner, but I'm meeting with Lilith tonight on a matter of some delicacy.
Truth be told, Niles, I hadn't ruled it out entirely. It would be nice to have another child. And Lilith is a wonderful mother. It's just that, well, is it right to create a human being with a woman to whom you couldn't stand being married?
Thank you.
What have you got here?
Oh, there's Dad eating that hot dog he dropped in the sand. And you, in your linen beach ensemble.
It's hard to tell, it's too dark and blurry.
Or a slice of pepperoni
Yes, Niles, it's a flying saucer. Mystery solved, well done.
Good lord!
Is it Daphne?
I'm thinking about the linguini.
I'm sorry, Lilith. This was a very difficult decision for me and I am touched and flattered that you came to me, but I'm not sure I'd be doing it for the right reason. You understand, don't you?
Oh, the best.
Lilith, what are you singing?
You were singing "My Dad Is the Gweatest Dad."
That video is one of my prized possessions. Of course I haven't looked at it in some time.
I see what you're doing, you know.
You are attempting to manipulate me by invoking powerful emotional memories.
And I'll have the veal.
Lilith, I'm afraid you're idealizing parenthood. Do you remember colic, teething, changing mountains of diapers?
You know, I'd forgotten that. Oh, I wish we had that on video.
Lilith!
I think about it every day.
Excuse me, I've changed my mind. I've decided that I too will have the basgetti and beatmalls.
Thank you.
Gosh, that coffee smells so good. Lilith won't let me have any caffeine until I've made my little donation.
So, have you heard from Daphne?
I can't believe you're so taken with that blurry, over-exposed photo of a...
Of what you first mistook to be a flying saucer!
Good lord! Don't tell me you carry it around with you.
No, I've been doing this since I was twelve.
You mean baby. No, no, this is our second.
Right.
We're already divorced.
Thank you.
Thanks for that. I was going to think about the plight of the American Indian.
Yes?
Goodbye now.
Lilith! If there is ONE thing I can do BY MYSELF, this is it! Now go away.
What?!
I see. Is there something I can do to increase the likelihood that we won't have a meddling control freak?
I would settle for a method where it won't turn out to be a sarcastic prig!
Fine!
It's your dime.
Oh, dear God. What if this child inherits all of our flaws instead of our strengths? We could create a real nightmare.
Is that what's going on here? Are we trying to create a baby or just trying to recreate the past? I mean, Frederick's almost grown now, it's only natural to feel a sense of loss.
No, Lilith, I know what you're going through. You want to feel needed and loved as you were when you were a new mother. The past can be very seductive. I mean, I've fallen into it too: I'm trying to relive Freddie's childhood. You can't use the past to fill what's missing in the present. It's gone.
But it's not right for me. I'm sorry.
You all right?
I, well, I...
Lilith, what are you going to do now?
Oh, stop that!
Oh, hi Dad. Where are you going?
Sure.
I just dropped her off at the airport. She's disappointed, but she knows that we're doing the right thing.
Thanks, Dad. I just hope she finds what's missing in her life.
Mimsy, wait! Please, I can explain!
Poop! Hell, damn! Oh...
Chef Etienne! Oh, dear God.
Me?! You're the one who suggested that flaming kabobs might lend a festive air.
Why is it that we can't seem to pull off a simple dinner party?
Yes, but this one was bare bones. Simplicity itself.
Ohh....
Oh, Niles, Niles, thank goodness you're here! I am simply percolating with party ideas.
Listen, have you thought of inviting the artist himself? He lives in town, you know.
Oh. That's too bad. Well then, I have come up with the perfect entertainment for our little art crowd. It's a radical tableau vivant troupe.
I don't know. But they do provide smocks and shower caps, so we're covered.
Daphne? Well. Fine, suit yourself. It's your painting. I suppose I could just whip up my signature dish.
Lovely. So you'll be serving those sad brown chunks that make their way from plate to napkin, bypassing mouth completely.
Stuffin'. Lovely.
"Just a guest"! In my brother's home. You know, I've never been just a guest before. Before, I always felt like family.
Oh look! Here she is now: the hostess with the mostest.
Yes. I'm sorry, I won't be attending your debut soiree, Daphne. I hope that doesn't upset your seating plan.
Buffet!
Well, if you should need any help, I think you know my phone number.
Number three. Interesting.
Daphne, you're never gonna get a caterer at this late hour, but don't worry. I think I can solve your little problem. I'll be right there.
As usual, Frasier has to save the day.
Suit up, boys. We're goin' in.
All right. I need a full rundown of the situation.
Ooh.
Oh, lord.
White wine.
I won't lie to you, Daphne. It's bad.
All right, listen. He doesn't have to know. If you just keep him out of my way, I will gladly play your invisible little kitchen elf.
Well, of course, Daphne. Now listen, I have brought everything I need to make my signature pomegranate honey sauce, all right? I will need a ramekin for each of your guests.
Oh, dear. This is bad.
Well, there are two that are mis-matched. It's all right if they're all mis-matched or if in pairs, but two is just unheard of.
Don't worry, I'm right in here.
You know, if he had any resourcefulness at all, he'd know that miniature easels abound at Liliputia Dollhouse and Miniatures.
Dad. Right, listen. I need you to do me a favor. I want you to get me my ramekins, all right? And then bring them here, but come in the back way, so Niles doesn't see you. No, ramekins. Well, they're small, round, ceramic dishes. I keep them in the lower left-hand kitchen cabinet. No, no those are tapes dishes. Right, those are for soy sauce. Oh, honestly Dad, you know sometimes I don't think you listen to me. I said sometimes I don't think you... I said sometimes... I see what you're doing.
All right.
You know, honestly, Daphne, if these interruptions don't stop, my signature sauce will be reduced to a monogram.
I'm using humor to make a point.
Oh, Dad, finally.
Yes, yes, all right, now listen. I need you to run to the grocery store for me and pick up some sel de mar, some olive topinade, balsamic vinegar, and some English Stilton cheese. Have you got that?
All right, fine. I'll write it down.
Dad, hide in there.
Right.
For God's sake. All right, here...
I'm holding him back. Your sauce is better than mine. Honestly, I don't even know why I try. I stand here, slaving over a hot stove and for what? Does anyone appreciate me? No!
If we wait any longer, their skins will wrinkle and my sauce will separate. Is that what you want?
Is that what you want!?
Damn it.
I am saving your party, that's what I'm doing.
Oh really? Well, if that's what you think, then I will gladly take MY signature sauce and go.
And that reminds me. You won't be needing to use my poultry shears.
This is mine!
Fine!
I'm not sorry, you've been asking for this for years!
Daphne, congratulations. You're now officially a Crane.
Ooh, Niles, sorry I'm late. Did you sign us up?
Nine.
Niles, if you're talking about taking that powder that's made from sheep's glands, the answer is never again!
Shh, shh, Niles, Niles, here comes that two-faced braggart Jim Blake. Jim, looking good!
So, you signed up for the tournament?
It's exactly what it looks like. You've teamed up with someone younger and in better shape.
You know, that Jim is bad news. He struts around here in those ridiculous-looking Swedish goggles that everybody thinks are so cool.
You know, I just wish you'd told me sooner instead of waiting until the last minute. Does Jim know you're passive-agressive?
Fine, go, just go, go, go to your new partner. I don't care, who needs you?
Niles...don't forget to wear your wrist brace, you know how easily you sprain.
Oh, yes!
Of course, I remember. I had inserted my dollar bill with Washington's face up as per the diagram and was vended nothing.
Indeed I did. The matter still pends.
Uh, well, I was going to, but, uh, I just found out my, uh, customary partner has made other plans this year.
Well, thanks for the offer, but after what I've just been through, I'm not sure I'm ready to partner up again.
Nice shot, partner!
Here we are. Hello, all! You'll never guess who just won their squash tournament!
Oh, thank you, partner, but I think it's really due to our partnership.
Like there is in "Niles!" So here, Dad. Check it out!
Oh, please, Niles, your partner couldn't be carrying you any more if he put you in a Snugli and strapped you to his stomach.
No, of course not. I'll tell you what. Come use the one in the other room. That'll give you some privacy. After you, my lady.
She is nice, but she's certainly not my girlfriend. I do find her attractive, but I'm not sure I'm anything more than a teammate to her.
Really? She did kiss me once. But I think that was just in an overflow of emotion after one of our victories. You know, I suppose that happens all the time on sports teams.
Well, truth be told, now that there's not the excitement of the tournament to fuel the fires, I don't think we really have much in common in the real world.
I'll walk you out.
Well, I, uh, I certainly had a great time the last few weeks.
Oh, I gave up my dream of professional Squash years ago.
Hi, Daph!
Oh, yes, I just thought I'd stop by for a quick pick-me-up before I pick her up.
You know, she does.
I intend to. Uh, espresso please. You know, every day I learn something new about her. She enjoys reading poetry in the bath. She's an excellent cook. It's like she's the perfect girl for me.
Yes, it's perfectly understandable. We didn't have much luck with gym teachers when we were kids. They were always so derisive and ego-crippling. There was this one in particular, Coach Fuller. He was the worst. The kind of man that would make the whole class wait while you did your pushup. It was so traumatizing, you know, I would actually lose my lunch before gym period. Except on those days when my lunch money was stolen. Then I'd just dry heave.
You know...perhaps getting to know Chelsea will help Niles to exorcise his demons and put them behind him.
You all right?
For God's sake, Roz, I'm a little tired of hearing you complain about Julia all the time. Why don't you just give her a chance?
Listen, the woman took a portion of my show to do her financial drivel. You don't hear me complaining about her all the time. Now enough is enough. Julia...why don't you come and join us?
Well, isn't this nice.
All right, it's come to my attention that there is some tension between the two of you. Now, as it is entirely possible that we will be spending a great deal of time together, I think it's important that we establish an environment of mutual respect. To that end, as it is impossible for the two of you to communicate at all, it's time for me to roll up my sleeves and facilitate. Finding some common ground would be the first step, perhaps a love of plants, the seed...
Fine, fine, all right. If I am you common ground, so be it. Please feel free to tread upon me.
The important thing is that you're talking. Communication...
"Please excuse my daughter Ruby from P.E. She has a 'delibitating' disease." Nice try, Ruby.
It always looked like fun.
Great, great, I thought we'd try this new place. I just...
Yeah, I read a great review of this new restaurant. Apparently the chef is from...
I can't!
I beg your pardon?
Niles, I'll gladly re-team with you.
Oh, my apologies, Niles, it's just that I'm a little distracted about something that happened yesterday at Chelsea's school.
That's cute.
Well, not sure I deserve such praise.
I do try.
Oh, uh, it's very becoming.
What? I'm fine.
I'm really tired.
No.
Oh, no, stop, stop, stop!
Well, it's a little complicated?
Yes, Chelsea, there is. It disturbed me yesterday when I saw you yelling at that little girl on the rope. I couldn't believe how harsh you were. You may not realize it, but that can have a crippling effect on a child.
Yes, well, the way you were shouting, it was hard to tell. When you're a child, all you know is you're being singled out. I have no right to tell you how to do your job, it's my problem, not yours.
Really? You agree with me?
Well, you're worth caring about.
Okay, let me just go get ready. You know, when I heard you shouting at that little girl today, I swear, it just brought back a flood of memories from my own childhood.
Oh, yeah.
You know, my gym teacher was constantly yelling at me because I couldn't do a single pull-up, or a lap around the track.
Oh, please. I was a very late bloomer. I could barely do a jumping jack without getting a nosebleed. And let's not begin to talk about the climbing rope! There we go, all done!
Gosh, it's been such fun talking about psycho-pharmacological solutions to maladaptive personality traits that I can't believe the three hours is almost gone. Up next is the news followed by...
Oh, but Roz is reminding me that next Saturday is the first annual KACL AIDS Bike-A-Thon. It's bound to be an afternoon of family, fun, and lots of surprises, so dust off your velocipedes and I'll see you there.
Well, first and foremost: I am not going.
Yes, Roz, I'm merely getting the rubes into the tent. I will gladly give my money, but spending the afternoon riding bicycles with a bunch of hooligans is not my idea of fun.
Yes, well so was the KACL family picnic at the zoo, until those urchins jostled me into the orangutan grove. Let me tell you: orangutans are not the playful gentlemen of the trees the nature shows claim.
Julia.
All right, stalemate. Well done, well done. Keep moving, come on.
What? Kenny, come on! I was pulling your leg too! I tell you what, we should have a fund raiser for your sense of humor. All right, I'll see you there.
I know.
Oh, sorry for the hold up, guys. Ah, listen, I think it's best if we take separate cars to the flower show. See, later I have to go buy a bicycle.
Well, for me. I've been dragooned into riding for the KACL AIDS Bike-A-Thon.
You had to see that coming.
Uh, Dad, we're leaving now. We're going over to the flower show and after that we're going to a sporting goods store to buy a couple of bikes.
Niles, we can't stall much longer. I mean, one seems as good as the next, is there anything else we need?
Shh! We will learn.
Yes! And if a child of FOUR can ride one, then so can we.
Metal spokes. I like that.
Uh-huh.
Niles, I am not going to look like an idiot at that Bike-A-Thon. Tonight, I am going to a parking lot and come hell or high water, I am going to master cycling. You're welcome to join me.
That's the stuff, brother.
Two bouncy tires and a...taut chain. That's good ridin'.
Just a matter of confidence, Niles.
Yes, well perhaps two people who don't know how to ride bikes shouldn't try to teach each other.
Nor does a good teacher throw a stick at his student!
Oh, you're going to make a hell of a dad!
Let's not panic. We still have two days before the Bike-A-Thon. Surely the library has shelves devoted to this topic.
Well, then you're just going to have to tell her that you don't know how to ride.
Niles...
Niles...
Niles, that wasn't your fault. That jogger should have been wearing a reflective vest. Come on. Come and sit down. I'm going to get you a nice sherry.
Helmet.
Pads.
Cup.
Okay. I think this is going to be all right.
It's that damned sycamore! It's got a magnetic hold on me.
I'm a cloud.
I AM a cloud! I'm flying! Look, I'm riding a bike.
Thanks Dad.
Or cartwheels.
I will, Dad. Thanks. I guess I better go take my place, huh?
Kenny, Julia.
So, have a good ride.
Pretty exciting.
No, not at all. You don't have to feel like you have to keep up.
What did you have in mind?
You're on. And I look forward to watching you write that big fat check.
Right!
I'll be all right. Why don't you guys go ahead. I'll catch up to you.
Oh, lord. Pardon me. Beep beep! Oh, gosh, no. Oh, dear God!
Well, I think we've got time for one last caller. Go ahead, Mindy, I'm listening.
Excuse me, what?
Mindy, we are pressed for time.
And that's our show. What size will Roz order? Will she accesorize? Tune in tomorrow for the exciting conclusion. Good day, Seattle.
Kenny, Kenny, come on, come on. Come and sit down. All right, here. Take a deep breath.
Kenny, um, divorce can be one of life's most difficult transitions. Have you considered seeing a professional once or twice a week?
Well, I'm a psychiatrist. You're comfortable talking to me, aren't you?
No.
I was going to refer you to someone.
Well, I don't know, Roz. Giving psychotherapy to my employer? It's a bit of a gray area, isn't it?
Well, I suppose if you'd like to stop by my place and discuss your feelings informally, there'd be no harm in that.
No, no, that's hardly necessary.
Kenny, don't worry about it, I'll gladly do it for free. What do you say we get together Friday night?
Okay, maybe tonight's better.
Ah.
I see. A controlling, narcissistic father and an overprotective mother. It has all the earmarks of a classic Oedipus complex. Well, well. Old friend, we meet again. Now, let me tell you, your deep-rooted feelings of castration... I'm afraid our time is up.
This has been fascinating. I believe we are finally on the brink of discovering a road into some real insights. I can't tell you, I believe I'm as exhilirated as you are.
Ah, you may not know it, Kenny, but we already are. Now, for out next session, I want you to write a letter telling your father how you feel. Don't send it, just write it.
It's all part of the process. Good night, Kenny.
Dad, how long have you been in there?
Dad, the inability to maintain adult relationships often has its roots in parent-child trauma.
You know, I really can't tell you how exciting it is to roll up my sleeves again and delve into someone's psyche. I don't even know where to begin, although you know, I do think it's particularly salient that the father never showed any interest in the things that were most important to his son.
Oh, hello, you two.
Yes, well, it's for my patient.
Well, just this one for the past three weeks. Very challenging case, too. The man has father issues, any number of neuroses, and a phobia or two.
Yes, yes.
Well, I can't really say, Daphne. You know, doctor-patient confidentiality...
Kenny, have a seat, have a seat. So, uh, how are you feeling?
I can't tell you how gratifying it is to hear that.
Really? You and Dad?
Well, good for you! Of course, the object is not to forget about one's problems. It's to understand them. Of course, that can take a lot of work.
Kenny, I understand it must be painful to uncover what is a very painful past. But I must warn you that if you run away from this now, you will only be repeating a pattern that will prolong your unhappiness.
In these past few sessions, we have uncovered territory that usually takes months to reach! I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I've been on fire!
Dad, can I have a word with you for a second?
Did you tell him that he should go out more?
Well, he is using it as an excuse to quit therapy. After one night out with you in a bar, the man is ready to throw away three weeks of intense analysis!
I am not trying to make him happy. I am trying to cure his depression!
Get the man some water.
Hello.
Yes, we've already met. Kenny, there's no reason to feel awkward. Believe me, I have other things to do with my evening than to share my expertise with someone who could use it. Now if you'll excuse me.
Did you hear that? A suede jacket. I must have missed that lecture at Harvard Medical School.
Leather won't cure your problems, Kenny. It's a temporary high.
Oh, Niles, Daphne, hi, come join me.
Ah, yes, now my ex-Patient X. Actually, I'd like to discuss it with you if you've got a few minutes.
Kenny.
If only it were that complicated, Niles.
Well, it's Dad. He's been taking Kenny to McGinty's every night. He's giving him therapy in the form of beer and fun.
I know! I've got to do something. I-I-I can't just stand by while Dad undermines me.
Just thought maybe the three of us could have a little chat.
Ah. Delighted I'm sure.
Well, if you think you're ready for that.
Likewise, I'm sure. Have a great time! He's doomed.
Oh, Dad, please, he is not ready for a relationship. How could you let him do something like this?
You know what, all you're doing is allowing him to wallow in his state of denial. And what if she rejects him, hmm? The man already has abandonment issues.
What did you just say?
No, before that. You said "psychological mumbo-jumbo." So that's how you characterize my life's work?
Oh, really? So tell me, Dr. Party-Hearty-Marty. Who, in your expert opinion does need therapy?
Hitler?
Hitler. And Sybil. Anyone else?
Great! An entire science devoted to Hitler and Sybil. Do you believe that...that Niles and I have been wasting our lives? Do you think Mom wasted her life?
I'm just trying to get to the root of his problems.
And you know what I think? I think I'm finished listening to you! All right, fine, maybe I did enjoy it. Look, it's what I was trained to do, it's what I love to do, and I still think I was doing Kenny some good.
And what's that supposed to mean?
Oh, right, right. Well, I've thought about that.
You know, perhaps I could start seeing people a couple of nights a week. I could even convert Daphne's old room into an office.
Are you all right?
Well, Kenny, I'll tell you what. Whenever you're ready, okay? For the time being, why don't you let a couple of buddies get you a beer, okay?
Oh, could you get it, Niles, please? They're so small they make me feel like I'm some sort of fairy tale giant.
Well, I thought we might serve a house-cured gravlax with crème fraiche and a sprig of dill.
For your information, Niles, people happen to like it.
Oh, honestly.
They haven't had any in ages. This is just what we need to make our soiree soignée. Whoa. Good heavens. It's $100 an ounce.
Well, isn't that rather a lot to pay?
He means the caviar market, you ninny.
How do we know this isn't some sort of scam?
You really must try this, Niles.
Maybe, but how can we be sure that you are not Russian mafia yourself?
It'll be here, Niles, I gave Roz explicit instructions.
Niles, I am, as you know, an excellent judge of character. And in Petyr, I saw an honest, hard-working fisherman.
What? I don't want him knowing where I live!
Very funny, Roz, come on. Give me that. All right, let's have a look.
Oh! Niles!
Well, Roz, a lot of things can affect caviar. Where did you have it?
Mm-hmm.
Yes.
Invited guests. I'm sorry, Roz.
Thank you for your help. See you later.
Oh, hi, Dad.
Where he... fittingly had all of his teeth knocked out...?
Niles, what are you doing?
Yes, well, it would be, Niles, if the Michaelses weren't equally enamored of it and dangling an invitation to a yacht party.
Niles, why don't we just call Petyr and order some more caviar? That way we can satisfy both Sinclair and the Michaels.
You know, Niles, this caviar connection could really open some doors for us, hmm?
All right, give it here. You just push "O," and you'll get an operator. Little trick I learned. Another menu, hmm. Sometimes it's a star. All right, maybe "1" will get me back to a main menu. Ah. Here you go.
No, but if I remember my high school Spanish correctly, you just qualified for a small-business loan.
Right.
Right.
Hmm, ten?
Yes, well, for ten he should. You know, for eight, the Ashworths gave me the use of their box on the opera's opening night gala.
Sleep is for people without social lives.
I promised her a cut, you see, I was so busy at work taking orders I needed her help.
Yes, Roz, welcome to caviar.
Oh, Petyr, hello!
Hmm, what?
What-what are you saying, that there's no more caviar?
But this isn't nearly enough!
Petyr, please, just one more delivery!
Petyr! Dear God! We're ruined, Niles. We owe people all over town.
Roz, Roz, I'm terribly sorry. It seems our supplier is going out of business, and every ounce of this is spoken for.
Yes, good girl. All right, Niles, we can't panic. I think I may have a plan.
We may have to bite the bullet and buy retail.
Not if we cut it with what's left of the good stuff.
There’s...
Roz!!
Well, what else can we do? Excuse me. Do you happen to know where we can get five pounds of Beluga caviar?
All right, just give me a chance to think, Niles. Ah... What was the name of the boat...
This isn't Trivial Pursuit. Let me finish! What was the name of the boat that Petyr said he sailed on?
Right! Niles, if we can find that boat, perhaps we can get enough caviar to solve our problem.
Roz?
You're looking for more caviar, aren't you?
That was ours! You know, Roz, I think you may have a little problem.
Now, Roz, you know you don't mean that. Now, come on. Listen. It's just possible that we may be able to get some more from our old supplier.
Roz, Roz, it's all right.
Oh, my God!
Oh, dear God! Oh, dear God! Oh, dear God! Oh, dear God!
No, Niles, you can't hide it! They're U.S. Customs. That's what they do! They find things on ships!
Can I get you a toast point? Oh, here, for God's sakes.
It's not ours. We found it.
I was afraid we were going to get arrested.
I don't know. We got caught up in a nefarious scheme. And for what? A visit to a wine country estate?
Dinner at the governor's mansion?
How much of this do you think we can salvage?
Uh, Ronnie, if I may...
I took just enough, Roz. It's not my fault I'm not licensed to use a plug-in tool.
I see Dad's been showing you the act.
Hmm. Darn. This drawer isn't closing properly. I'd better go get my tools and have a look at it.
Niles, please. I built a house. I think I can handle a simple drawer. You know, it's probably the slidey thing. Or the drawer may have become warped. If that's the case, then she's going to need to be planed, sanded, and refitted.
I paid good money for an upright stapler.
Oh, Roz, hey, come and join me. I'm in a bit of a pickle. I--I'm not sure the Grants are the right family for our house.
The Grants--the people who moved into the house we built.
Just a few times, yes, to try to share with them the principles of decor, room flow, general livability. Then they literally showed me the door. Yes, Roz, the very door I hung for them in the first place. Take a moment to digest the irony.
Yes, but I helped to build it.
Oh, I know I didn't do much. The truth is I've never really been very handy. In elementary school, I made an ashtray for my dad. It caught fire.
Oh, Lord. Well, maybe I owe them an apology, Roz, I mean the last thing I want Marge and Chet to think of me is that I'm some sort of snob. Did I tell you they have a cow mailbox at the end of their driveway?
Well, sure, that's Wisconsin. The buckle on the bumpkin belt.
Oh, hi, Daph.
Thanks for coming along with me, Roz. I'm not sure they'd open the door if it was just me.
When the phone company says they will be at your door between the hours of nine and noon, they have entered into a verbal contract. If they show up at 12:47 they are in breach of said contract.
Well, I just shouldn't have waited for them, that's all. Now my entire day is thrown off.
Yes, well, when you informed me you had to get to the promenade shops posthaste, I assumed it was an actual emergency - not to return a cage for some silly lovebirds.
Dear God... don't tell me you actually named them after yourselves.
Trust me. No one is more birdly than Niles.
What is with all this traffic? I tell you, don't these people have jobs? Some of us have a radio show to do!
That can't be right. Oh, Dear God! My show's on in fifteen minutes!
I'm afraid I'll have to. Damn it! Dad did this. I tell you, he gets in here, he wants to hear his favorite radio station and starts pushing buttons like a lab rat on amphetamines!
Excuse me, we've changed our minds. We won't be parking.
No, you see, we just came in for a second and decided not to park. Just check the time on the ticket.
Forgive me, perhaps I'm not being clear. You see, I mistakenly pulled in here, decided not to park, and now I'd like to just get out.
Put that away!
Oh, really? It just so happens that I have a few policies of my own, and one of them is that I do not pay good money for nothing!
That's not parking!
But it's been continually in motion!
But it's still running.
Is that so? Do you hear that?
Fine. Have it your way.
If I'm going to be paying for parking, we are going to get our twenty minutes' worth.
If they weren't so shortsighted, they'd see that I'm doing this for their own good. It's like correcting people's grammer - I don't do it to be popular.
Niles, they can get around us if they want to. So what, it takes them an extra two seconds!
Niles, you'll get home to your stupid, filthy bird soon enough!
Right.
Just stall. I don't know, read some fan mail if you have to. There must be! Check in my Inbox! Oh, never mind! I'll be there when I get there, and when I do, I will have a little speech for my listeners about the Power of One!
Are you being snide? Because that's not healthy.
Niles! You shut that door! You can't desert me in the middle a fight!
It would appear to others that you are, thereby weakening my position. Please, you must stay.
I'm glad you asked me that question. I am making a stand against this garage that holds me, my passenger, and my automobile hostage for a parking fee which I do not owe.
Look, I already told you, it's not about the money. In fact, to prove it's not about the money, I will donate two dollars to the charity of your choice.
My income, and the style of car which I drive, are irrelevant! Isn't that so, Niles?
Oh! You see, Niles, this happens so often they actually have a name for us.
Well, I'm certainly not going to send you a check.
Niles, I refuse to sign anything that says I am unable to pay! It's untrue!
You know my terms: you will receive your money when the twenty minutes is up.
No, no, you can't do that!
Don't you call me that! You put that down right now, we're not going anywhere!
Excuse me. What are you talking about?
I AM NOT IN A BAD MOOD! Oh fine, just go! And bravo for staying on a whole ten minutes! Goodbye!
Don't these people realize I'm on their side?
I'm doing this for all of you! Don't you understand?
I'm not afraid.
People, please! I am not the enemy! I am your champion!
But I'm doing this for all of us!
If you could only see things from my point of view, then I'm sure you'd agree with me! You see, I pulled into this garage, decided not to park, and now I want to leave, but they still insist on collecting two dollars! Is that fair? Has a service been provided?
Ah! But is it? I say no! I say we've been trod upon long enough by people who are supposed to be providing our services! By the postmen who mix up our deliveries! By the telephone repairmen who swear to be there between nine and noon, and yet arrive at-
-12:47, when you're wearing nothing but a towel and a hatful of shampoo! Well, ENOUGH! I invoke my right to peaceful protest! Civil disobedience is a cornerstone of this country, for it is how the common man is heard!
Well, that's just tough luck! Because we ain't budging.
GO AHEAD! I think I made a mistake.
I'm not sure that I can. I am right, after all. My principles are holding me captive.
My rigidity? The rigid ones are the ones who operate this garage, and enforce such inflexible policies.
Yes, but that's not the point! They have to know why I won't pay.
Do you really think so?
Well... that's quite an indictment. I never really thought of myself as uncompromising. Well, not in a bad way. I'm not sure I like this side myself.
Yes, but then these taunting motorists won't know that I'm being the bigger person. They'll think they've gotten the better of me, or that I'm afraid to be arrested.
Damn! I DO want to be the bigger person, it's just so hard! You know, we wouldn't be in this mess if it weren't for you and that ridiculous birdcage!
Oh, come on, I can only change one character flaw at a time!
I could break my pattern.
I could just pay the money, without proving to everyone that I'm right, without teaching them a lesson.
Sir? I'll have you know, I am leaving, with time to spare.
Since you cannot understand the moral code for which I stayed here, I am sure you must be perplexed that I am leaving before the twenty minutes is up. Suffice it to say, I am the bigger man for it. And you, and your nefarious policy may now carry on, in what is highway robbery in the truest sense of the expression! Here is your ticket, and... your ill-gotten two dollars.
Four dollars?!
But I already backed down!
Indeed... hold on, Niles.
It's all right, Roz. I'll take care of everything.
Yes, well I'll bet you do, Jerry! Dr. Frasier Crane here, Seattle. I'm sorry I'm late. It sounds as if Roz has informed you of my exploits!
Well, it wasn't my finest hour. Let's just say that I got in there, realized I made a mistake, and then tried like hell to get out!
There was a lot of shouting, and then a line started to form behind me. Fortunately, my brother was with me for moral support, and, well, let's face it, somebody to talk to. You know, you'd be amazed how long twenty minutes can be when you're watching the clock. At least, in the end, I got out of there without paying the four dollars!
Which not only helps in the healing process, but also provides one with the confidence to go forward, in spite of the fear this kind of trauma can cause. Honestly, I can't say enough about these medicated bandage strips. But thank you for asking, Jordan.
Up next is the stock market report with Julia Wilcox.
Hello, Avery. Impeccable timing.
Yes, hello. Oh, careful, careful. Paper cut.
Ah. Oh, Roz, come meet an old friend of mine. Avery McManus, this is Roz Doyle, my producer.
Avery and I used to live across the hall from each other back at Oxford, now he lives in Seattle. A very accomplished accountant who's going to take me on as a client.
Roz, he's married. I tell you what: I'll be back in about an hour to go over this month's "Best of".
Well that's impossible. I'm very prudent.
Gosh, you know, I've completely forgotten myself. How is Amanda? I don't believe I've seen her since the wedding.
My listeners are not pathetic losers.
Yes, and do you know what they call someone who can't stand your work?
She was supposed to say "What?" and I was going to say "Me." Oh, come on, let's get out of here.
Fine, fine. Uh, why are all these lights on? All right, I'll be honest with you. Avery had some very stern warnings for me. The situation isn't dire, but it could become serious if I don't change my ways.
Oh, that was one time! And if you'd seen that cashier's fingernails, you'd have done the same thing. All right, the point is I have to come up with a plan. A plan... Perhaps a ruminative latte will do me some good at Nervosa.
Yes, well I'm waiting for the cups!
Besides, Nervosa is more to me than just a place for coffee. It's my refuge, my sanctuary for contemplation. Oh! Oh, I've just had a cost-saving idea! Daphne, you're family now and yet I still pay you full price for Dad's therapy.
All right, I'll keep thinking. Off I go!
Yes, of course it is, of course it is. He's the professional. Thanks so much, Niles, that's really quite helpful. I feel better now. Excuse me, change my shortbread order to tart tatin. One for my brother, please, a la mode.
I quite agree! I am sorry, young man. If we wanted to hear your music, we would attend one of your concerts. In the bus station.
The what?
Well, yes, as a matter of fact there is. This man is making it impossible for me to converse with my brother.
Ah. I understand. You two are friends. Perhaps you used to "gig" together in your salad days. But if you wish to alter the atmosphere of this cafe, I suggest you consult with the owner.
Oh really. Well, I'm Frasier Crane, it's a pleasure.
Really? Well, I happen to be one of your core customers, Ms. Nervosa. In of fact, I spend over three thousand dollars a year here, which I just found out today.
Really? Well you know, I, I would think about that. Although we do adore your establishment, if there is one thing we can find in Seattle it is another coffee shop.
Now, I don't relish the idea of asking you this, but I'm afraid you will have to choose. Either...
I see. Well, farewell, Nervosa. It's been a splendid decade, but I'm afraid your brew has become a bit too bold for my brother and me. Come, Niles, let's go.
My name is Frasier, this is my brother Niles. We're thinking of making this our regular haunt.
We'll have two espressos, please. I'm sorry, and your name is?
Stephen. Outstanding.
Steve. I look forward to years of this sort of lively banter.
Now, Niles, let's try to be positive, this may be out new home.
Yes, this will do nicely. This will be our regular table. And that will be our backup regular table.
Oh, perhaps we should keep looking.
Hello, Julia.
This is my brother Niles. Niles, I'd like you to meet my colleague, Julia Wilcox.
Well, sadly, no more. They've hired a terribly annoying folk singer, whose hideous noise making has made it impossible for me to enjoy my one sanctuary.
Steve, I'm afraid we'll be taking these to go, thank you.
I don't like her cafe anymore. Let's go.
Oh, thank you, Steve. I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but I'm afraid my brother and I will not be the everyday stalwarts I predicted we would be.
You know, Avery was always a bit of a playboy, but honestly I thought marriage would settle him down. I should just tell Julia that he's married. But then again, she's been so rude to me, why should I do something nice for her? But then again, can I just sit idly by and keep my mouth shut?
No, but I know he has one. I was at the wedding. Dad, you see I'm facing a perplexing dilemma, here. Some guidance would be welcome.
That was very helpful. I guess I'll just do what I always do: sort through this myself.
All right, I'm off to Nervosa. No. I'm off to that...other place where young Steve works. No. That's Avery and Julia's place. Well, I hope you're both satisfied, now I don't know where the hell I'm going!
I'm hashing over an ethical dilemma, so I think I could use some black coffee.
Uh, I've got a lot to ponder, so I think a large.
I see. Uh, do you happen to know what size would correspond to a Nervosa grande?
Ah, ah, all right. I know that their colossal is comparable to a Nervosa grande, so the semi-colossal would be three quarters of a colossal, so the mucho and the semi-colossal would be equivalent... so I should have the mucho macho. But only fill it five-eighths.
No. Can we just move this along, please?
Than what's the point?
Put in whatever code you wish. Here we are. Now, I'd just like a cup of coffee and a quiet place to drink it.
Niles!
Don't you run, you coward!
I had no place else to go.
More than you could possibly know.
Oh, lord, I'm gonna need that to go.
Excuse me, excuse me.
What happened?
In the song, what happened?
Yes, we know that part. What next?
Right, and then?
Yes, yes, but the end. How did it end?
Avery, we need to talk.
I'm sorry, it can't wait. I know about you and Julia Wilcox.
Oh, stop that! You are a married man. I realize this may be fun and games to you, but she could get hurt.
And why the hell not?
I had no idea. I didn't mean for you to overhear...
You do?
Well, I'm sorry. I thought I was helping you.
Yes, as a matter of fact I am. I'm also finished thinking that you and I owe each other the loyalty of professional kinship. From this day forward we are merely coworkers, cut and dried. And as for you, I am deducting my mileage here as a business expense.
When does the alleged music start?
Really? Why?
Well, well. That's quite a sharp looking three piece cage. What happened?
For here. I'm staying.
Whatever.
Say, Julia, wait.
Didn't you used to be on the board of the Pelham Bay Bank?
Dad, why aren't you dressed? It's four in the afternoon.
That's what you always do.
What's the problem?
Well, he can't do that. Why don't you file a complaint?
I see. Is this woman really so repulsive that you're willing to sacrifice all your nights just to avoid a date with her?
Some years back we found ourselves running into each other at seminars and conferences. He's an excellent therapist. We had a bit of a clash over ethics.
Not MY ethics, his. The man bilked me out of two hundred dollars in a card game.
Yes, yes, there is one eye, but the other eye is there by implication! Therefore, the hand should have been a do-over. And you can ask Niles about this too! As far as I'm concerned, the man owes me two hundred dollars.
Dad, exactly how old is this book of one-liners?
Roz, I really hadn't planned on seeing him.
I most certainly am not jealous. The man happens to owe me two hundred dollars.
Yes, and I'd be like "Fine. My money, sir."
Well, all right, all right.
Yeah, okay.
Oh, hi, Daph.
Yes, the picture is gotten, thank you.
I see. Well I hope the two of you will understand if, in future, I choose to knit scarves only for myself.
Yes, I know, it's all in good fun. Oh, Niles, I just remembered, I...
Excuse me?
Roz, please! At least attempt to be cool. Phil, Phil!
Most assuredly.
I'm fine, I'm fine. How's Robin?
Congratulations.
Well, we've been divorced now for ten years.
Oh, thank you, thanks.
Oh, huge. Thank you.
And a station in St. Paul... has agreed to let me send them a tape.
Oh, indeed they were. Although... sometimes the fun and games were lacking in fun.
Well, it's the principle of the thing! I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, why don't we just discuss it over dinner?
Bebe?
And she used to be mine.
Okay.
Yeah.
So, Bebe. However did you land Dr. Phil?
Donkey basketball?
Well, congratulations.
She used to be my phony.
Dad, do you think I did the right thing, changing agents? I mean, the one I have now is fine, but after I've seen what Bebe's done for Phil, I can't help wondering if maybe I've denied myself access to a wider world.
Dad, are you all right?
Dad, you have got to stop with the graveyard shifts or you're going to start seeing apparitions.
What, you don't like the sun?
Oh, Bebe.
Oh, I didn't realize there was so much.
Now, now there's no need to take that tone, things have certainly worked out okay for you, wouldn't you say?
Oh, Bebe, you know very well I only changed agents because you were ignoring me in favor of another client.
Agreed. We accomplished too much together to stop being friends now.
Yes I have. But it cannot be. Can it?
No, I'm no siren, I'm a man. A man with ambitions.
I understand. But what about me?
Perhaps. But here's my theory: Bebe's had a thing for me for years. This, coupled with the fact that control is an aphrodisiac for her, it's not surprising to find that she hopes to parlay her advantage into a sexual conquest.
It's not gonna come to that. It's all about the dance. It's all about the possibility of sex, the promise that's never delivered that keeps them tantalized. One only needs to know how not to cross the line.
Yes, that's how I know where the line is. I almost feel sorry for her. Just another helpless woman suffering from an unslakable thirst for...
Faust was a moron. I'm gonna be a star!
Hi, Daph.
How did you know it was me?
Indeed. Well, I see Phil has landed you in the lap of luxury.
Is it Madrigal Madness already? I had no idea it was this close to Whitsun.
I suppose a drop wouldn't hurt. So, you give any thought to taking me on again?
Wonderful.
You want more than ten percent?
Gosh, Bebe. I'm terribly flattered, it's just that, uh...
You seduced ME!
I'm not going to say that you're not a beautiful woman, but is it wise for us to jump into a relationship?
I, I like to think of it more as influence, really, but...
Is that running water I hear?
You know, if it's silk the steam could damage it.
Gosh, I better open a window.
Well, if you want comfortable, how about that sweater ensemble I saw you in this morning.
Bebe...
But... at what cost?
I CAN'T!
Bebe, shouldn't you be in Los Angeles with Dr Phil?
I don't understand.
Are you saying you'll have me back?
Well, that's wonderful.
Well, as will Dr. Frasier. I've just got one very difficult call to make to my agent.
Great, great! You got me more money?
Oh, thank you, Bebe, thank you so much. I'll call you tomorrow.
Gosh, Roz, isn't that great news? I feel as if a weight has been lifted from me. Oh, it's marvelous!
Big picture! The future is firmly in front of me!
Yes, but not firmly!
What is this? St. Osric's Pre-Kindergartener Academy and Day Care Center? Do I hear the pitter-patter of petite elite feet?
Very wise, Niles. You know, Lilith and I waited until Frederick was conceived before we enrolled him in private school.
Oh, Niles, guess who's coming to visit? Leland Barton.
No, that's Barton Leland. Leland Barton was Mom's research assistant. They worked together closely for years.
Oh, that's right. We were just boys when he moved to France. Apparently he gave up psychiatry and immersed himself in the Paris art world. Today he sits on the board of the Paris Museum of Modern Art.
Just like Dr. Barton you bade farewell to the comforts of hearth and home and filled your sails with the winds of change and adventure.
Hello, Roz.
Is that why you people have pets? To get dates?
Well, meet me! Four years of high school and not a single encounter generated! Stupid fish.
Oh, that'll be Leland.
Dr. Barton.
Good to see you.
Let me take that for you.
No, this is my producer Roz Doyle. My brother's not here.
Please, Roz, stay if you like. Can I get anybody a drink?
Oh, I think I can scare up a glass. Roz?
Here we are. Welcome back to Seattle.
There we are.
Oh, thank you. It's an Andalusian Amontillado I'm rather fond of.
Oh, my brother and I have always had a taste for it.
I'm sorry about that.
I don't really know. He used to do that to me. But I'll tell you what, just don't get in a staring contest with him, that's what he wants.
Oh, that's because while most Ashanti statues are intended to ward off evil spirits, this one was designed to distract me while my pockets were picked at the Kinshasa Airport.
It is an exact replica of the one in her Paris atelier. You know, not many people even notice it.
Oh, I would love to hear that story.
Please.
Oh, Roz, do you mind if we join you?
No, let's just sit down.
Oh, you know, there is a wonderful Brassai exhibit in town. What do you say we stop over there after lunch?
Oh, certainly, let's go get our coffee at the museum.
Dad, Roz, any chance you'd like to take in some Parisian photos taken by an old Romanian master?
Oh, thank you very much. Here you go, "Dad."
Oh, I'm afraid my stomach is still churning. I'm not going to be able to make dinner.
Well, when I can't give an opinion you may as well call the coroner, tag my toe, I'm dead.
Oh, that was wonderful. Read me another.
Oh, Dad.
Oh, well, not so good, actually. I'm afraid I'm going to have to skip dinner. Why don't you go in my place?
All right. You know, the two of you should get going, really. You'll miss the reservation.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you, Dad, it's all taken care of. Leland's going to bring me some consomme and sorbet.
I know the kings of England and I quote the fights historical, From Marathon to Waterloo in order categorical.
Oh, excuse me.
Leland, your cab is waiting.
Well, I think we’ve got time for one last caller. Roz, who have we got?
Well, I suppose I’ll be fielding this last one myself. Let’s try line two. Go ahead, caller, your name and problem, please.
Okay, Ernie. Uh, very often when people have feelings towards their pets it often reflect feelings they have about themselves and their place in society. So tell me, why are you angry at your dog?
Would you hold on, Ernie? Um, someone will come on the line with the number of an expert in this sort of situation. Let’s try, uh, line four.
Well, the news is up next, followed by the market update with Julia Wilcox. That’s it for me today. This is Dr. Frasier Crane saying, good day and good mental health.
Did you even listen?
Roz, what’s going on?
Well... that’s great, but I didn’t even know you were looking.
Well, gosh, Roz, I, I must say I’ve got some mixed feelings about this. I mean, I couldn’t be happier that you’re finally getting the recognition you deserve, but I’m gonna miss you.
Oh, I...
Well, you’re being uncharacteristically decent today. You all right?
Oh. Gosh, uh, what happened?
Well, I’m sorry. I realize you must be going through...
I was just trying to help. No need to insult my callers.
Oh, excuse me...
Hi, Daph.
Gosh, I’ve never seen this place so crowded. What’s the occasion?
So, is Niles going to be joining us?
Oh, yes, yes, of course, I’d forgotten. He asked me to take him, but then I suggested that when it comes to guns, perhaps he would prefer someone of Niles’s... caliber. I’m in rare form today.
Excuse me.
Is everything okay?
Software program?
It’s good.
I did no such thing!
Just a second, just a second, just sit down. Sit down, please. Take a moment to calm down before you make any rash decisions.
All right, well, if you insist, then perhaps I should go with you. Maybe I can help facilitate things.
Nothing! Surely you can conceive of the possibility that someone might want to just do something nice for you?
Of course not! You’re not being rational, you know. Perhaps Avery is just holding your program hostage because he feels hurt. Perhaps this is his clumsy way of trying to initiate a dialogue.
Yes, I do.
Well... I see a woman who’s been hurt, not once but many times. A woman who finds it so difficult to trust someone, she won’t allow herself to be vulnerable. A woman... whose eyes are going to get stuck if she keeps rolling them like that!
I was looking for street parking. Do you have any idea how much this garage charges?
Oh, great, it cost me three-fifty to find that out.
What do you mean?
Wh-wh-what? That is breaking and entering!
Well, I’m-I’m not scared! I...
I’ll have you know I’ve had my fair share of escapades. Back in med school I once dressed a cadaver in cap and gown and...
Julia, I-I-I beg you to rethink this. I realize you’re angry at Avery-
There’s somebody at the door!
Julia, there’s still time to end this.
Look, you know that what you’re doing is wrong. You should just get out now before more harm is done.
You’re going to get caught.
It’s never too late to do the right thing. No matter how low someone else sinks, joining them there does not make things better.
What was that?
You kissed me.
Oh, no. I’ve been kissed to shut me up before. This was not that.
That’s because you know you did the wrong thing.
Well... dear lord, what-what happened, Roz?
What are the odds?
Oh, I’m surprised you even remember him.
So what’s the problem?
Well, of course you are, Roz. I mean, come on, don’t doubt yourself. Listen, they’re the ones that called you, right?
You go down there and you get that job. You’re going to make a great program director.
Of course I do. Even though... I wish you could stay with me forever. I’m going to miss you so much, Roz.
Seems to me you’ve impressed him already.
Julia—
Listen, Julia, Julia, I’ve been dying to talk to you all week long about what happened in Avery’s office. Obviously something is going on, and I have several hypotheses. It could be displaced passion, frustration from a failed relationship, or an adrenaline-induced action as a result of stress we were both suffering from...
Hi, guys.
Dad, if you had any perspicacity whatsoever, you would know that this expression is merely ruminative perplexity.
It’s nothing serious. I’ll work it out.
Good Lord, Niles, are you still going down there? I thought you hated guns.
Well, I’m not sure I’d fit in with a bunch of trigger-happy gun nuts.
A gun show? What’s next, square dancing?
I just don’t understand how this sort of thing can happen. Don’t you look at faces?
Oh, congratulations, Roz. I’m so proud of you. Now can I tell you how much I’m going to miss you?
I know, I know.
See you, Roz.
Julia! Julia! Julia!
All right. Listen, you can try to avoid me all you like. We are going to talk this thing out.
Well, you know, I... I am flattered, but there are a lot genuine people out there. It’s just that for whatever reason – fear, anger, hurt - they’re afraid to show it...
Could I possibly irritate you over dinner some night?
Take your time, work things out. I’m not going anywhere. I realize that you’re in a vulnerable place right now, and that...
Oh, I recognize that one. That was to shut me up.
Kenny, this is not amateur hour. My show is already suffering enough just losing Roz. I will not let you replace her with a complete novice.
Are we still talking about Noel?
Yeah. Good afternoon, Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. Before we get to our first call, I'd like to remind you that we are losing our beloved producer, Roz Doyle in a couple of weeks to another career opportunity.
In the meantime, we have with us today Noel Shempsky, a KACL employee whose sole qualification for this job seems to be that he has never taken a sick day.
Go ahead, Glen, I'm listening.
Thank you, Roz, now that Seattle knows how we do things around here, perhaps you could let Noel know to keep his elbow off the mic button.
Oh, Roz, do you realize this is the last time we'll do paperwork together?
I think they're looking for a wider audience than just you, Dad.
Well, here it is, Roz, the final parking requisition form. The end of an era. Listen, I know that Kenny is giving you a going- away dinner, but I wanted to have a little celebratory dinner, just the two of us, all right? Any night you're free.
Well, actually I'm-I'm meeting Julia later.
Well, we've sort of been seeing each other lately.
Now, Roz, if you took the time to get to know her, you'd see that she's really not such a bad person.
No. I think she's been misjudged. Sure, she's got a lot of walls up, but there must be something good inside if it needs that much protection.
Yes, Roz, your opinion has been noted.
Thank you, Roz.
All right, shut up.
It's not a roast, Bulldog.
Noel! Come on. Walk it off, Noel, walk it off.
Hear, hear.
Well said, well said. Roz...I celebrate your new adventure with you, but I wouldn't be honest if I didn't say that this is a big loss for me. You were there on my first day at KACL, and you took me under your wing.
I don't think I'll ever grow accustomed to seeing somebody else in your booth. And certainly noone else can ever take your place in our hearts. And while we welcome new friends......we are sad to say good-bye to old ones. Good luck, Roz.
Oh, hi guys!
Hi, Roz!
What's going on, Roz? I didn't expect to see you tonight.
Well, absolutely, that's what I do.
Look, I know you two have your difficulties.
I think I see what's going on here. You and I have a close relationship. A new woman comes to the radio station. She and I form a close relationship, and you feel threatened.
Did it ever occur to you that maybe she's putting on an act for everybody else, and that maybe I see her as she really is?
Roz, you have no right to come over here and run her down to me. It's really none of your business.
And why?
Yes, and frankly, I don't understand that! Why exactly did you turn down that job?
Loyalty to me? Are you sure? Are you sure it wasn't just fear? Are you sure you're not just using me as an excuse not to grow and move on?
You will not put me in this position, Roz. We will discuss it later!
Thank you, Julia, I think I will have some cake.
Good morning.
Um, no thanks. Coffee will be fine. Hi, Daph, uh, listen. I could use an objective opinion. I am running for condo board president, and I want to know what you think of this as a slogan: "Frasier Crane--The People's Elixir."
Please, Dad, this is serious! I have a feeling this could be my year.
Yes, I do, but this year, I am the only one running against the incumbent, which means the people will rally their inchoate yearnings for change behind my banner.
That's just because I have a Type-A, hands-on, get-it-done personality.
Elixir! Well, I suppose you're right. I haven't really established myself as the neighborly sort. I thought that my term as fire safety captain might do the trick, but...I guess I drilled them once too often.
I beg your pardon? Say, I've got an idea. Dad, why don't you just run?
Well, because then the people would get their regular guy, but he would have my political agenda.
Yes, exactly, but of course Dad would be conscious, presumably.
If you were like everyone else, you wouldn't know any history. So, Dad, what do you think?
Oh, come on, Dad. Think of the neighbors. Think of the building, the good we could do together. We can actually achieve the dream of luxury apartment living that our founders intended. Plus, I'll do all the work.
All right, you do this for me, I'll make sure that gets done.
Absolutely...Mr. President!
Now I think I should still run against you.
Well, if I drop out just as you announce your candidacy, people might suspect something's up. It's better that our political legerdemain remain sub rosa, hmm? How would a normal person say that, Dad?
This is going to be sweet.
Which brings me to my final opponent. Martin Crane. Now we're all aware that he is a decorated war hero and a much-honored police officer, but does he have the building's interests at heart? Maybe. I simply ask that you stack up his 45 years of experience against my term as fire safety captain. Thank you. And God bless Elliot Bay Towers.
Dream? Or court-ordered community service?
Yes, plus, I would automatically be president now.
Hmm, are you forgetting 1998?
He wasn't dead he was in a coma. How was I supposed to compete with that?
Yes! I got two votes!
Yes, he is doing a hell of a job, isn't he? Oh, listen, what did you think of the new plants in the lobby? Dad was particularly pleased with how they complimented the filigree in the sconces.
Yes, I suppose the best man did win. Bye-bye. Another satisfied constituent.
Hello.
You see, Dad. They love what you're doing for the building! Of course, the sting of losing was quite painful. But it's worth it, if we can have a laundry room that takes us into the 21st Century.
Well, you know, public-spiritedness is the Crane code.
Is this going to be a problem?
I think we need to reach a little understanding. If someone asks you a question, you look at me. If I scratch my nose, it means "No." You get it? They both begin with the same two letters: "N-O." Now if I touch my eye, it means "aye," as in "yes."
Dad?
That is not how this is supposed to work.
Yes, wider parking spaces, but I have five years of ideas here to implement first!
Look, even if I could fast-track it, there are feasability studies to be done. There's, um, a committee review, and then there's a bidding process. You can't just hire some guy with a can of paint.
Well that is why you're not in charge. Now, here's your agenda for the next meeting. Make sure you follow it to the letter!
Dad, I sense you're chafing under the cruel yoke of public service. Remember, we must subordinate our own wishes for the good of the building! And that is not one of our hand signals!
I volunteer. And I would like to explore the idea of putting a patio on the roof.
Uh, query?
Wasn't there, uh, something else you wanted to bring up?
Are you sure? I-I could have sworn I heard the president say something about a-a new ventilation system.
No, you haven't! I'm certain if you simply consult the agenda which you so painstakingly prepared, you will find that there is one last item.
Are you sure it's not a ventilation system?
Nay!
Query!
My pleasure, Mr. President.
Hello.
You went back on our agreement. I'm the one who's supposed to call the shots around here.
Well, well, well. The puppet thinks he's a real boy. I don't think you have the skills for this job.
So do I, but these boobs and nincompoops are too stupid to see it!
They wouldn't love you so much if it weren't for my ideas!
Would you stop doing that?
Spanish. But I don't have time to prove it. I've got to go confront Evita Perón at the condo board meeting tonight.
Yes.
Well, he was, until he started to think for himself. He's so damn popular everybody else just follows along. It's like the blind leading the blind.
But it will not stand! As soon as he calls for new business tonight, I am going to leap to my feet and expose him for the power-mad dictator that he's become. Mm-mmm. Then I'll take over.
Why?!
Why do I even talk to you people?
Not now!
Noted.
Yes! Yes! Yes! It's time you people understood the real kind of pres...
People! People! If you'd just let him talk, he could explain. My father is currently in negotiations with a salvage company to remove the old boiler room, which would give us the extra spaces we need.
My father has already discussed with the building next door sharing their parking spaces. Isn't that right, Dad?
Dad.
Well thank you, Dad, that's very kind of you.
Dad!
Right behind you, Dad.
That's right, isn't it? Well. It's not the way I would have liked it, but bylaws are bylaws. So as your president, I would like to quote a man who understands the language of the people!
Well, it's official. Once again, there is no room for me at the Yo-Yo Ma Orchestral Fantasy Camp. Hello.
Oh, yes, of course. So how are you enjoying Seattle?
Oh, none taken. So you like London?
How so?
Ah, Firenze. How is she?
You mean three hundred years ago?
Ah. Well, you know, I'm afraid I have to bail on this conversation, I have a show to prepare for. Roz, when are we doing those promos? This evening?
Hi, Kenny.
Yes.
Really? Well, that is quite an honor. I don't think we've ever won one of those.
So you won one.
Honestly, Kenny, when are you going to unpack those boxes? Isn't Four years enough time to make that office your own?
So that's why you haven't unpacked. You know, all this time, I've been using you on my radio show as an example of procrastination. I had no idea you were just living in fear.
Kenny, there's no such thing as a healthy superstition.
Look at this place. Dad, I don't believe you've thrown out a single paper since Daphne moved in with Niles.
Really? I count three snack plates around your chair, all of them on tabletops.
All right, what's it gonna take for you to start doing your share of the work around here?
You'll really take care of all the floors if I handle the garbage?
Okay. Okay, you got a deal, Mister.
Hi, Daph.
Your game is deep.
Daphne, you don't have to do that.
No, no.
No! I find her cousin Jen just a bit judgmental for my taste. Yesterday she told me my show was bourgeois. I pointed out that anything that had mass appeal could be said to be bourgeois. She then said that my argument was bourgeois. Which I found to be jejeune.
Hi, Roz.
Well, Jen, good to see you again. So, how was our night out, girls?
Excuse me, The Zoo?
Roz, is that glitter in your hair?
You see what I mean about her.
Coming up next, This Day in Psychological History. After the news.
It's not over Roz, this is just a break.
Say there, Jen, did you have a chance to explore that art gallery I suggested?
They're landscapes.
Really?
Well... a bust of Freud. Well, that's really quite thoughtful you.
I like to think that Freud's theories will withstand the test time.
Excuse me, young lady...
Yes, for once you are right, for a disquisition is indeed at hand. And may I suggest you roll your eyes back into the forward position, as I may actually employ some visual aids. Now, our story begins with a young Greek woman of the name Clytemnestra...
All right, that girl is really getting under my skin. When is she leaving?
Oh, come on, Roz, she's running you ragged.
Well, sure, at twenty you can do anything.
That's attractive.
When Freud's genius has OBVIOUSLY influenced every psychiatrist on the planet...
I haven't forgotten about you, callers. Stay tuned, won't you?
I hadn't noticed.
Daphne, would you get that?
Uh-oh.
We didn't ask her to do anything.
I'm sorry, Niles, you're right. Maybe we took advantage.
We really should help him.
He is not.
Forget money. Let's wager something real.
You're on!
And so for our final hour today, I'd like to focus on First-time callers only. We've heard a lot of familiar voices this week and I'd like to shake it up...
Our next caller is Stu, from Madrona. Go ahead, Stu, I'm listening.
Okay, Stu, how old are you?
Now, Roz...
Thanks for your call, Stu, let's go to traffic.
That's all right, Roz. I thought your speech was courageous. And Who knows? Even if it went right past Stu, maybe it reached somebody else out there on the Frasier Crane Radio Network.
For the record, I knew immediately it was not my car. Mine has a bumper sticker on it that says, “I AM PRO OPERA AND I VOTE!”
I admit nothing. That is the last we shall discuss of it, we have a show to do.
Good afternoon, Seattle, and welcome to the Halloween edition of the Dr. Frasier Crane Show. Today we will be discussing the topic... of fears. Are they irrational hindrances, or evolutionary tools? Hmmm... the surprising answer, after these words.
My car! Ohhhh, no - my caaar! What did they do to you?! Oh, my bay-beee...!
Good morning, Roz. May I join you?
Yes, well, I had a little time to think about it, and I’ve decided to put Bulldog’s prank behind me...
I’m not finished! - by visiting upon him a prank that is ten times more dastardly. Look at this.
Precisely. I will tie a red balloon to the antenna Bulldog’s car every time his precious Seahawks-
-lose a game. Over time, the conditioned response will become ingrained in his psyche. Eventually, the mere sight of a red balloon-
-will bring about in him an inexplicable sense...
...of loss. Check-and-mate!
That’s the point. Well, of course, I could go with any one your basic pranks - hand in warm water, and whatnot - believe me, I have an intimate knowledge of all of them. But what I’m looking for is something unmistakably ME. A signature prank, if you will.
What, at my expense?
“Dark, musty archives”... I think I could use that!
Hello, Niles.
I’m devising the ultimate prank, to get my revenge on Bulldog.
You know, I think she has the right attitude. If I expect Bulldog to leave me alone, I’ve got to show him that he’s dealing with a superior intellect.
I’m sure Da Vinci’s early notes were full of laughs too! Excuse me, I have devising to do!
Everyone, hold please.
Zombie Number Two, what are you doing?
I see. Is that what zombies do, they scare people?
Wrong. They eat brains, and THAT’S what scares people. Now, look, this is our dress rehearsal, let's please try to get this right. Bulldog comes in, he hears noises, zombies go after his brain, and his terror is caught on videotape for us all to enjoy at a later date. Now, let’s try this again. First marks, please.
Dad, you said you would help me with this.
Whatever gave you that idea? Todd, I am getting “dead” from you. But I am not getting “undead.”
Let’s try this then. After rehearsal, I want each of you to write a paragraph detailing who your character was when he or she was alive, how they died, and why they’re now after Bulldog’s brain.
Honestly, Roz, you know, you haven't given me much to work with here. These are the worst actors I’ve ever seen.
Why is it that whenever Bulldog pulls off a practical joke, you all applaud him, as if he’d won some sort of bowl or cup or other sports dish? But when I ask you to give up a single Sunday, all I get is complaints?
Like when?
A lot of people bring rakes!
What is that supposed to mean?
Are you saying that you think I can’t pull this off?
But I’ve worked this out to the last detail, nothing can go wrong!
You, sir... are released!
And you as well!
I’ll pull this thing off by myself, proving you don’t know what you’re talking about! I don’t need any of you!
Wait, zombies, I do need you! But no one else! I’ll show all of you! You mark my words, tomorrow night I get my revenge!
Ah, good, the effects machine’s working again. All right, everyone, back to your first marks.
Todd, take off that baseball cap. You’re undead, not uncouth.
All right, everyone, step lively, look sharp. It’s almost showtime. Give me a final room tone check, please, and... take your marks.
Well... hello. You’ve come to watch me fail, I suppose.
Maybe I don’t want you here.
You abandon me in my hour of need, now you’re here to revel in my success, just like in Boswell's “Life of Johnson.”
It was something-I-read.
All right, apology accepted. You may observe - in silence. Make yourselves comfortable.
And prepare to witness a man brought to the very edge madness!
Kenny, what was the condition of my letting you watch?
There he is. Cue creaking noise one...
Cue creaking noise two.
Now, let the horror begin...
Yes! How do you like that, ya big baby!
OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! CALL 9-1-1, CALL 9-1-1!
Stop! Stop! It was all a joke! Oh my God, what have I done?!
Are you insane?! Call an ambulance!
What is going on here?
What?
That isn’t funny, I could have had a heart attack!
Well, at least nobody was hurt. You bested me, Bulldog, again!
What?
Roz, get the first aid kit out of the closet!
Quiet, quiet, everybody! Hello? Yes, I’d like to report... THE GREATEST PRACTICAL JOKE EVER! You’d better send a fire truck, because you guys just got BURNED! AH-HA-HA-HA- HA-HA-HAAAAAA!
Likewise, Bulldog.
Sure thing, Todd. You’ve come a long way in a short time, young man.
Admit it, Roz, can I pull off a practical joke, or what?
The other day, after you two left, I got to thinking maybe my joke was aimed at the wrong target. That’s when Bulldog and I joined forces!
That’s exactly what you were supposed to think!
Thank you, Dad. What do you say we all go upstairs and watch the tape, huh?
All right, you guys go ahead. Bulldog?
Technically, I still owe you one
You’re right.
Kenny.
He did?
Yes. I wasn't aware that you two had met.
Yeah. From whom?
Hmm.
Hmm.
I think he'd like that. Thanks, Kenny.
Hey, Roz.
Yes, apparently the people of Washington state have made quite an impression on him.
I can hardly think about it without choking up. This is my son, Roz. The little bald candy man that used to fit right here in the crook of my arm.
Not at all, Roz. It's a faith that espouses love, compassion, duty, education, and art. All values which I cherish. And though I have played a relatively small role in his spiritual development, he has honored me by asking that I say a few words. And in the spirit of the occasion, I'm going to try to learn it in Hebrew.
Hi, Noel.
Great. I mean that sarcastically, of course, Noel. Great! You're not coming, terrific!
Not learn it, I'm saving that pleasure for retirement. But I have composed a speech and I-I'd like to say it in Hebrew.
You can, really, oh, Noel, thank you!
Certainly, whatever you'd like.
Noel, isn't this something you could do yourself?
Noel, don't you have any friends that could do this for you?
I see. Well, then, consider it done.
Now, be sure to keep it in this acid-free covering until the actual signing, and if you must handle it, use these cotton gloves.
Okay.
Yeah, I'll try to pace myself.
Noel! How did you know I would do it?
Well, you must have known I would do this for you, or you wouldn't be carrying around a picture of Scott Bakula, right?
Dear God, the old flash-and-wind!
That wasn't the camera's fault, Dad. That bloodless skin has confounded even the most experienced photographer.
Please, Niles.
Hmm?
Oh, are you serious, Niles? Lunch with a Dada master! Oh, I'd love to come! But I can't. I have other plans. I promised Noel Shempsky I'd do a favor for him and I've got to remain true to my word. Although perhaps I could go to the show, leave the luncheon early and still fulfill my commitment.
Yeah, you're right, Niles. There. You know, it was at a Fritzenheim show in Boston where Freddie first said the word "Dada." I remember swelling with pride thinking that perhaps he was an art history savant, but of course Lilith deflated my enthusiasm by pointing out that he was probably just referring to me.
Oh, splendid.
Well, he's... still just a boy. He's only thirteen.
Well, I suppose it's a bittersweet experience for her. I can't really say for sure. You know, she's always been rather guarded with her emotions.
I'm sure you have, Mr. Been-There-Done-That.
In a complete drunken stupor...
Oh no, drinking definitely took the edge off.
I certainly wouldn't count Anamari Hanratty at the Natural History Museum.
I said I wouldn't count her. I mean, they just made out.
It was for charity! But it doesn't really matter, I mean, the woman makes out with everyone. You see, she's not really the kind of person that you'd...
Hi, Noel.
Yes indeed, I am, I'm looking forward to it. Uh, listen, Noel, I'm afraid I have some bad news about the, uh, science fiction convention.
Long story short, you see, I attended an art opening and a luncheon on Saturday, and even though I left the luncheon early the traffic on the way to the convention was just awful and by the time I got there, Mr. Bakula and all the others had gone.
It's not really such a big deal is it, Noel?
Noel, try to remem... clan? No, never mind, never mind! Noel, surely you realize that Star Trek is just a TV show.
You're angry, so I'm going to ignore that. But with all due respect, Noel, perhaps weaning yourself off science fiction might be the first step toward achieving a genuine, meaningful, grownup person's life! Just a friendly suggestion.
Thank you, Noel. So, you'll still be my tutor?
Good man. Thank you. I'll see you tomorrow.
It'll be all right.
Thank you. I'll keep this short.
Pookh lod wih le koo. Hach jahj cho-koov-moakh leng-lidge loo-Teb-jahj leng widge-vahd bel rahp shoave dah-nobe-poo- boagh. Shabbat shalom.
Well, it's-it's a blessing for my son, "Pookh Lod Wih Le Koo."
What?
Oh, dear God!
I'm terribly sorry. I... I... will you excuse me, please?
Oh, I think I did. I've been trying to console myself with the idea that without embarrassing parents, there'd be no psychology. Poor kid.
He is, isn't he?
Frederick, uh, listen, I-I'm-I want to apologize. Uh, there was this guy at the radio station. He was going to teach me Hebrew...
Really? I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am.
So you liked it?
Yeah, I know.
Check.
Check.
Again, check.
Well, over the years Daphne's managed to scour her way into our hearts, so to speak. And I just don't want to hire someone who's only in it for the money.
Of course, Gil.
Say, uh, Gil, are you pleased with your housekeeper?
Mm-hmm.
Very funny. Do you suppose that your Man Friday might be available on a Monday or a Tuesday?
No, no. Not steal him, just, just borrow him for a day or two a week until I can re-staff.
Well, I have nothing to hide.
I would refuse to believe him.
Oh, he is not! You're just saying that because you don't want to help me out!
Thank you for coming, Mrs. Wilkins. Of course, we have several other candidates to interview, but I'll be sure to let you know by the twelfth.
...of Never! Honestly, I'm beginning to wonder if we'll ever find anyone that meets our standards.
Now let's see, who is our front runner thus far?
Honestly, Dad, I am starting to get the slightest bit chaffed with your attitude. You haven't even graded any of the candidates, you've simply doodled a war plane dropping bombs on a soldier.
Well, then why is he wearing a helmet?
Yes?
I had you down for over an hour ago.
Thank you. Won't you be seated. I'm Dr. Frasier Crane, this is my father Martin Crane and this is my sister-in-law Daphne Crane. Now, I'll get right to the interview. First question: What is the best way to combat rings on a wooden table?
The best way is to provide coasters. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
Daphne, she's right.
Well, we're getting just a bit ahead of ourselves. We still have several people to meet.
Thank you for coming by.
Well, it was really more of a pre-screening. We'll be sure to let you know.
Fine, then I'll be sure to call you the second.
...I lose my mind!
In the first place, she showed up late. She doesn't take the interview seriously, how can we expect her to take the job seriously?
Well, I'm afraid so far our best candidate is the young man from Jeepers Sweepers.
All right, fine. Who would you hire? This, this Trish, I suppose.
Of course not! I don't remember.
You know, all right, fine. You can hire whoever you want to. You want this Trish, fine, call her.
Oh, would you give it a rest?!
Well, I hear the washer going. I assume that means our new employee is hard at it.
Dad, you know your basketball references go right over my head. You know, she's certainly got her work cut out for her, cleaning up this mess you and your buddies made last night.
Listen, Dad, I think I owe you an apology.
Well, for thinking I was a better judge of people than you are. I just want you to know that I do trust your judgment. Maybe I don't say that often enough. Anyway, I hope you can forgive me.
Thanks, Dad. I'll see you later.
Oh, for God's sake!
Well, maybe you can have Trish wax this floor tomorrow.
Well I'm not complaining, Dad, but look at these streaks here. It's like she never waxed a floor before.
Well, my sweaters are supposed to be dry-cleaned.
Oh, and remind me to say something to her about flipping my mattress.
Easy, easy. Dad, there's no reason to get all riled up. My God, you're actually perspiring.
Well, I'll say this much: the place does smell lemony fresh.
Really. Perhaps she and I could have a discussion about that.
Well, my lunch cancelled, I thought I might drop by, see if you might like to join me for a bite.
Right, I'll just tell Trish that we're leaving. Where is she?
Actually, Dad, I'd rather wait. You see, I wanted to discuss a new vacuuming pattern with her.
She did? I had no idea she was so fragile.
No, no, Dad. You know, if I've hurt her feelings, then it is incumbent upon me to apologize.
Trish, it's Dr. Crane. Could you come out here, please? I'd like to have a word with you.
No, no, Dad, why don't you talk to her?
Please, Dad, she likes you. Please.
Dad, I really should apologize to her in person.
Why not?
Well, you know, I also think that she's made some real improvements around here. Tell her that.
How should I know? Make something up.
Dad! All right, what the hell is going on?
Hey, Niles, look what I found in the parking lot.
Well, Niles, you've got quite an impressive array of flowers here. Oh, dear lord, who sent mums?
Really? You know, when I had the flu, Jaime didn't send me so much as a card.
I almost threw up. Who knows, mums might have been just the thing to cheer me up. I guess we'll never know now, will we?
Yes, but I also drink a lot of red wine. Now, Niles, you'll be happy to know that your prognosis is excellent. I have done some research. I have detailed the procedures and made copies for each of you. Here we are.
I also took the liberty of checking out your surgeon. A fine choice. True, he did have a few brushes with the law. As an undergrad. And I think you all know how I feel about Tulane's medical school.
But, on the bright side, he has been extensively published and his reputation is stellar. Now, if you'll all please turn to page seventeen in your handouts... you know, where is Dad?
I specifically used layman's terms for his benefit. Oh, all right.
Yes, when we were kids, whenever one of us was sick or hurt, Dad would try to keep us from worrying by pretending the problem didn't even exist.
Things always turned out all right, though. It will this time, too.
Are you sure, Niles? Dr. Ling went to Duke.
He'll receive general anesthesia once he's on the operating table. Now, if you'd like to follow along in your handouts, I could take you through the first steps of the procedure.
Yes, but did he have a mnemonic verse that goes along to the tune of "Camp Town Races"?
Ah, Doctor Schafer. I was just explaining my brother's procedure to my family. I'll hand the floor over to you.
Frasier. Dr. Crane.
Excuse me. If I may, wouldn't a mid-cab be less invasive? I have done some research in the matter and I believe that is the prevailing methodology.
My source is not Reader's Digest. It is a Harvard colleague. Harvard being my alma mater. HARVARD. And if I'm not mistaken, the blockage is in the left anterior descending artery.
And my expert opinion says otherwise.
Maybe I should!
Suit yourself.
Niles, I'll, I'll see you before they wheel you in.
Well, I'll tell you one thing about that Dr. Schafer's people skills: I am not a fan.
Yes, well I happen to know a thing or...
A thing or two about bypass surgery, he was totally condescending to me.
That's true. That's why you should always tell the people you love just how much they mean to you.
Of course, Roz, you're like family. And Dad, I hope you know I love you. Even at your most difficult.
Well, perhaps if people behaved more competently, I wouldn't be so bossy.
Yes, well, maybe that's because human behavior is my profession.
Who asked you, Roz?
You know, we really should tell her how much she means to us, too.
Yes.
It's not important right now. It's important you get well, all right?
How so, Niles?
I think he already is.
I was just thinking about what Niles said about the hospital and the things that happen here.
It's like the whole tapestry of life keeps replaying itself in these four walls.
You didn't hear a word I said, did you?
You're a sentimental fool, Dad.
I don't like him.
I told him we disappeared whenever he left the room.
What made you think of that?
Well he must be all right, we're all still here.
Well, Daph, according to my timetable, Niles is probably off the bypass pump by now, all the blockages have been bypassed, and the myocardium is now receiving normal blood.
Because the human heart was not designed by some idiot in Japan.
You see, she knows. Knowledge is our ally against anxiety. Which happens to be the theme of today's "Best of Crane" which is being broadcast over the airwaves right this moment.
Very funny, Roz.
All right, we get it.
All right, Roz.
Looks like one.
Looks like it's eighty-five cents.
Looks like there's a dollar slot.
Why don't you get off your ass and look?
How can you think about eating now?
How's his blood pressure?
Could be better. Did you thoroughly suction the cardioplegic solution? See, I'm a doctor.
Oh, I get it! Very nice!
What, Daph?
What?
Well, here, let's use my cell phone, all right? We can take turns calling.
Now don't go beating yourself up. You didn't do anything wrong. Come on, I'll dial first.
Now look, Niles, as far as Dad knows, I had nothing to do with your leg breaking, right?
Yes, and in exchange for your silence, you'll get ten of my records. Any ones you want.
Not that one!
Okay, fine.
Sign here and initial here.
I beg your pardon?
Congratulations.
You should go with your first instinct, Dad.
All right, then get a Marathon Bar.
Then you should get a Chunky.
All right, just get the Chunky!
What?
Oh, all right, I'll get it.
Not me, the candy! I give up.
Uh, no, it's all right. I'm sorry about this, kind of a tough time.
Right. And we'll pay for this.
Daphne, I know you're in hell right now, but in just about twenty minutes comes the disconnecting of the ventilator and the extubation. You can see it all in the diagram on page 24-C...
Daphne...
Oh yes, Roz, let's startle a man who just had open-heart surgery.
Niles, good to see you out and about!
Niles! Not the soaps! You can't be serious.
Here's champagne and sparkling cider for you, Niles. and help yourself to brunch whenever you're ready.
They're not sausages, Dad, they're "soysages." Niles is on a postoperative diet. We are trying to support him.
"Fake-un."
Well done.
Well, let's eat before the fake-un loses its shape.
Yes, Mozart Symphony No. 40: Molto Allegro. I just bought this new recording for Niles. It is fantastic. I've never heard such string articulation.
Good! So few cats dress for the symphony anymore.
Oh, hi guys!
95th percentile! That's wonderful, Niles!
You've...heard it?
I couldn't agree more, Niles.
Well, Niles has convinced my otherwise.
I'll say. Who can't pick out their own scone?
I'm afraid those days are over, Roz.
Well, it's a long story. Okay. When Niles was in the hospital and he was being wheeled into surgery he looked so frail and vulnerable, so I... I took my case to a higher power.
Hello, God. It's me, Dr. Frasier Crane. Though I don't talk to you as often as I should, I want to thank you for all the times you've indulged me in the past - although I have yet to see the inside of the Empire Club. Just kidding. Anyway, today I ask you to look after my brother Niles Crane. I love him, even if I don't always show it, and I regret all the time he and I have wasted in petty quarrels. If you spare him, Oh Lord, I promise to cherish every moment we have together.
Well, technically, the way it's structured, he'd come after me, seeing as I was the one who initiated the deal, you see. If I'd had more time, I might have worded things differently, but...
Bye guys.
Perhaps I am, Niles, thank you.
I'll do that. Thank you, Niles.
Very amusing! I get it. Ha ha.
Freud is the poor man's Jung.
You know, perhaps now, Niles, we can get back to the squash courts.
But the doctor said it was OK.
You didn't think they were useless three months ago when you won. You bragged for three months.
I see, so let me get this straight. You're going to give up squash and smell roses.
Niles, it has rained every day this week.
You know, there's something I need to tell you. It's something I've been thinking about...
Nothing.
Well, my heart certainly goes out to you. Grieving is Difficult enough without those unresolved...
I'm sure you all remember my brother Niles from our last segment. I'm sure all my listeners join me in hoping he can get back to work real soon.
By all means, go ahead, Niles.
I couldn't agree more, Niles. We'll be right back after traffic.
Roz, I can't eat. I can't sleep. I just lie awake in bed at night mentally arguing with Niles. And I win every time!
Oh, of course not. Well, maybe a little. I don't know. Roz, my brother could have died. I can't be ungrateful to whatever higher power may have spared him.
Oh, he's God, Roz! Have you read the Old Testament? He can be ruthless!
Welcome back, Seattle. Oh, I see we have someone on line two. Go ahead, caller, I'm listening.
Hi, Daph, I'm here for Niles.
Well, I specifically told him I would pick him up here. Ah...
It's not bad enough he usurps my radio show... What are you doing?
Why would I think that's silly? What does that say about me?
I do my bit for charity, you know. You have no idea how many vacations I've bought at silent auctions.
A vow? You mean, like a promise to God?
No! No, now when exactly did you make this promise?
The night before, you say. Interesting. You say Niles is at my place?
Excuse me. Keep up the good work.
Good evening.
Hello, God, it's me again. Dr. Frasier Crane. Listen, it seems that when we made our little arrangement, there was another deal in place. Now, I've had some experience with double-booking, and I know that the person who books first always gets priority. So, as long as Daphne keeps her end – which she is, to the letter - it seems our little arrangement would be rendered null and void. Ergo, I am now going to yell at my brother. Unless of course, you give me a sign.
Very well, then. This is going to be sweet.
Niles!
Not so fast, Mister! You, sir, have been insufferable for the past few weeks. It might enlighten you to know that your endless preaching has been nothing more than a thin cover for your fear...
But...
Huh... Well played, God. I'll see you at Easter.
Listen to yourself, Bob! You follow her to work, you eavesdrop on her calls, you open her mail. The minute you started doing these things, the relationship was over! Thank you for your call. Roz, I think we have time for one more?
Hello, Russell. This is Dr Frasier Crane; I'm listening.
Er, Russell, we're just about at the end of our hour. Let me see if I can cut to the chase by using myself as an example. Six months ago, I was living in Boston. My wife had left me, which was very painful. Then she came back to me, which was excruciating. On top of that, my practice had grown stagnant, and my social life consisted of... hanging around a bar night after night. You see, I was clinging to a life that wasn't working anymore, and I knew I had to do something, anything. So, I ended the marriage once and for all, packed up my things, and moved back here to my hometown of Seattle. Go Seahawks! I took action, Russell. And you can, too. Move, change, do something; if it's a mistake, do something else. Will you do that, Russell? Will you? Russell...? I think we lost him.
Oh, for crying out loud! I finally bare my soul to all of Seattle, and they're listening to Chopper Dave's "Rush-Hour Round-Up!"
Well, the rest of the show was pretty good. It was a, a good show, wasn't it?
Roz, in the trade we call that "avoidance." Don't change the subject, tell me what you think.
I am not a piece of Lalique. I can handle criticism. How was I today?
You say my brother called...
Oh, I'm sorry, Niles, I didn't realise you'd stopped talking.
Oh Niles, you're a psychiatrist - you know what it's like to listen to people prattling on endlessly about their mundane lives.
And?
Yes, I know what you think about everything. When was the last time you had an unexpressed thought?
Two cafe latte supremos.
No, thank you.
I'm fine. I love my new life. I love the solitude. I miss Frederick like the dickens, of course. You know, he's quite a boy. He's playing goalie on the peewee soccer team now. Ha, he's a chip off the old block!
So does he! The fresh air's good for him.
Is it Dad?
Oh my God!
What, his hip again?
What can we do?
Oh Niles, a home? He's still a young man!
Absolutely. Besides, we were never simpatico.
Oh yes, yes, of course, of course... why?
Who does?
I do. I... I like her from a distance. You know, the way you like the sun. Maris is like the sun. Except without the warmth.
It says that?
Alright, I'll make up the spare bedroom.
Oh God, I am, aren't I?
No. I seem to have lost my appetite.
Hi!
Ah Dad, Dad, welcome to your new home! Gee, you look great!
Well, er, here we are...
Well, rest assured the refrigerator is stocked with your favourite beer, Ballantines, and we've got plenty of hot links and coleslaw...
And I just rented a Charles Bronson movie for later!
I want you here! It'll give us a chance to get reacquainted!
Yes, we Crane boys sure know how to marry. Let me get you a beer, Dad. So, ah, what do you think of what I've done with the place, eh? You know, every item here was carefully selected. This lamp by Corbusier, the chair by Eames, and this couch is an exact replica the one Coco Chanel had in her Paris atelier.
Well, it's a, it's a style of decorating, it's called "eclectic." Well, the theory behind it is, if you've got really fine pieces of furniture, it doesn't matter if they match - they will go together.
Dad, what do you think of the view? Hey, that's the Space Needle there!
Excuse me, excuse me, wait a minute-
Niles, Niles, Niles, be careful with that, that's a Wassily!
Oh look, Dad, as dear as I'm sure this, this piece is to you I, I just don't think it goes with anything here!
Niles, Niles, will you help me out here?
Oh yes, that will be the crowning touch.
Eddie?
Oh no, Dad, no, no! Not Eddie!
But he's weird! He gives me the creeps! All he does is stare at me.
No Dad, no! No, I'm sorry, but I am putting my foot down. Eddie is NOT moving in here.
Niles, there you are! I'm sorry I'm late; just as I was leaving, Dad decided to cook lunch by the glow of a small kitchen fire! Oh Niles, this last week with Dad, it's, it's been a living hell! When I'm there, I feel like my territory's being violated; when I'm not, I'm worried about what he's up to. Look at me, I'm a nervous wreck! I've got to do something to calm down. Double espresso, please! Niles, you don't still have the brochures from those rest homes, do you?
I'm afraid I do. I don't have my life anymore. Tuesday night I gave up my tickets to the theatre, Wednesday it was the symphony...
Yes, here.
Niles, you don't suppose there's a chance that you and Maris could...
You mean you'd take him in?
A what?
These angels exist?
Niles, I can't thank you enough! I, I, I feel this overwhelming urge to hug you!
Wise woman.
I have never been more impressed with a human being in my life!
Now what was wrong with that one?!
"Casing the joint!" She spent two years with Mother Teresa!
Oh, this is the last one. Can you please try to keep an open mind?
Frasier Crane. Please come in.
Er, this is my father, Martin Crane. Dad, this is Daphne Moon.
That is Eddie.
Er, have a seat, Miss Moon.
Yes. Well, er, perhaps you should start by telling us a little bit about yourself, Miss Moon.
Oh really, did you hear that, Dad?
Yes. Perhaps I should describe the duties around here. You would be responsible for...
No, I'm a psychiatrist.
It's safe with us. Well, Miss Moon, I think we've learned just about all we need to know about you, and a dash extra!
Well, we'll, er, we'll be calling you, Miss Moon.
Er excuse me, excuse me, aren't you just forgetting a little something here? Don't you think we should talk about this in private?
Yes.
Dad, what do you think you're doing?
But she's a kook! I don't like her!
Then... what's my problem? Daphne!
You've been retained.
Quelle surprise.
Oh, move in? Oh, I'm sorry, there must be some misunderstanding. Er, this isn't a live-in position.
The lady at the agency was wrong; this is just a part-time position. I'm, I'm afraid it just won't work out.
Dad, there's nothing to discuss!
Daphne, Daphne - I think it would be best if you leave.
Don't be alarmed. We'll contact you. If not by telephone then, er, through the toaster.
Dad, I'm not having another person living in this house!
Well, for one thing, there's no room for her!
My study? You expect me to give up my study - the place where I read, where I do my most profound thinking?
I don't want to adjust! I've done enough adjusting! I'm in a new city, I've got a new job, I'm separated from my little boy, which in itself is enough to drive me nuts. And now my father and his dog are living with me! Well, that's enough on my plate, thank you. The whole idea of getting somebody in here was to help ease my burden, not to add to it!
Oh Dad, Dad, you're, you're twisting my words! I meant burden in its most positive sense!
Something like that, yes!
I'm just trying to do the right thing, here. I'm trying to be the good son.
You think that's what this is about, guilt?
Of course it is! But the point is, I did it! I took you in! And I've got news for you - I wanted to do it! Because you're my father. And how do you repay me? Ever since you've moved in here it's been a snide comment about this or a smart little put-down about that. Well, I've done my best to make a home here for you, and once, just once, would it have killed you to say "thank you?" One lousy "thank you?"
I'm going out.
They have got to move the bathroom closer to the studio!
We'll be right back after these messages. Can't I put that on tape?!
Oh, I'm sorry. It's just this thing with my father and this, this person he wants to hire. I thought I'd started my life with a clean slate. I had picture of what it was going to be like, and then, I don't know...
Who?
Is there a reason you're telling me this story?
Remind me again how it worked for Lupe, last seen with her head in the toilet?
We're back. Roz, who's our next caller?
Hello, Martin. This is Dr. Frasier Crane; I'm listening.
Welcome to the show. How can I help you?
I can imagine. Why do you think that's so?
Well, these things are a two-way street. Perhaps your son wasn't sensitive enough to see how your life was changing.
I'm sure he appreciated your candour.
That's good advice for us all. Anything else?
Why don't you tell him?
Well, if it helps, I suspect your son already knows how you feel. Is that all?
My pleasure, Martin.
Yes, I heard.
Hello, Claire. I'm listening.
Claire, you are in mourning. But you're not mourning the loss of your boyfriend. You're mourning the loss of what you thought your life was going to be. Let it go. Things don't always work out how you planned; that's not necessarily bad. Things have a way of working out anyway. Have you ever heard of Lupe Velez?
Oh Niles, I think you're exaggerating.
God, you'd think women of that age would choose more suitable material. Remember the last show they did, “The Sound Of Music”? My God, half the Von Trapp children were having hot flashes.
Everyone, this is my brother Niles. This is Teddy, one of our brilliant engineers..
This is KACL's inimitable “Chopper” Dave. Your Eye in the Sky for traffic.
Well, KACL team, what is on the agenda for today?
Roz, I'm ashamed of you! Gossip, gossip, gossip. Don't you know how destructive that can be? It does nothing but sully good people's names and create an atmosphere of suspicion and mistrust.
You know my salary?
Oh, no no no no. He's the station's highest-rated personality. I mean, with the exception of women thirty-five to fifty-four who happen to think that I'm... sort of a god.
You can do that?
Oh people, people. You're jumping to conclusions. Show a little respect. Bulldog has devoted fifteen years of his life to radio. My own personal feelings aside, the man deserves better than to become the object of some scurrilous rumor that as yet hasn’t a shred of truth to it.
Yes, well... just in case, I've got dibs on his parking space.
Don, it's a common problem. I'm listening.
Yes, well, losing weight can be a lifelong struggle. It takes a commitment. Now, if you're ready to accept that, there are a number of things I can suggest...
Uh Don, what was that?
Don...? Where are you?
Don...?
Yes, and the light at the end of that tunnel is a heat lamp over a large order of fries. We'll be right back after the news.
Okay.
Oh, hi Father Mike.
How you doing?
Oh Father, Father. You should better than to put any stock in idle office gossip.
Well, listen Father. I don't like to engage in gossip, but you have nothing to worry about.
Well, someone is being let go...
But ah, it's not you. It's Bulldog.
Yes.
Well I have, yes.
Bulldog. Well, how long have you been...?
Now, now now now now, Bulldog listen, this is just a rumor. You know how out of the loop I am.
Now, now now. Don't do anything rash. Now listen, I suggest you try to vent your anger first.
Well... there, way to go. Now, on your way.
Bulldog's quitting.
Well, because Ned Miller is firing him.
You did.
I didn't mean to, he overheard me.
What? Come on, you guys were so positive - the expense account thing, the meeting with management at five?
Apparently not!
I don't believe this, this is incredible, Yes, hello, hello Arlene? Arlene, yes, listen. Bob Briscoe's about to jump into the office and... oh. God, he's already burst into the office with Miller. Oh god, this is a disaster.
Well I, I suppose you're right. For all we know they may be having a good laugh about this right now.
You said that to Ned Miller?
My god, the man tried to strike you? Listen, Bulldog...
My god, my god, this is unbelievable. A man has quit his job just because of a rumor that you spread!
I'm a bad, bad man.
Oh, right. “Call Ned Miller, clear this thing up.” The man is totally unstable, he tried to take a swing at me the day he hired me.
No kidding.
God. Can you believe this weather?
Who told you?
Yes, well, Bulldog tended his resignation.
Well, you know, things just go funny sometimes. It's a tough business, this radio game, you know?
...Maybe I am.
All right, all right. Ah, there was a rumor going ‘round the station that Bulldog was going to get sacked, and then... I was repeating it to someone and he overheard me and flew off the handle, went up and quit his job. In the end it turned out that the rumor wasn't true. Of course, you already knew that, didn't you?
Well, that's a little easier said than done. Ned Miller is the most intimidating, heartless, mean-spirited man I've ever had the misfortune to meet.
No, no. For all we know this might just be the best thing that ever happened to him. You know, he's always talking about how he should be in a larger market, like Los Angeles, or New York...
Eddie, scoot. Scat.
Oh, Bulldog.
Well, what are you doing, just standing there?
No, no-no-no-no. Come in, come in, it's just family. This is my dad, and Daphne Moon.
Oh, that's an exceedingly rare fertility symbol from a small nomadic tribe in Ghana.
Wait. Bulldog, I can't let you leave like this. Here's a twenty. Oh, all right. Why don't you just spend the night, you can take the couch.
Why sure, what's the point of having an expensive suede couch if you can't have a bunch of people crashing on it?
Oh sure, sure.
Now, you two just leave me alone. This is not my fault. Look, I am not responsible for Bulldog going up there and popping off to the boss. You can stare at me 'til you're blue in the face, I'm not going to go see Ned Miller.
Oh, all right! I'll go down to the station, I will talk to the monster on the sixth floor and futilely attempt to get a man back his job that I don't even care for, and in the process I will probably end up spitting out my teeth like Chiclets! Is there anything else I can do for you?
Mr. Miller...
Look, I don't mean to disturb you, but Arlene wasn't at her desk.
If this is a bad time...
Okay, how's this?
Oh my lord! What happened here?
And he did that with your little trophy?
Ah. That's, ah, sort of why I'm here.
No. No thank you, Mr. Miller. Um, I know that Bulldog was up here, and he said some... pretty regrettable things to you.
Well anyway, ah, a lot of what he said was, ah... was my fault, you see? Well, you see, I heard a rumor that, ah, management was thinking about lightening the load a bit. Well, I heard it was Bulldog that was gonna get sacked and I... I was repeating the rumor to someone and Bulldog heard me. And that's why he came up here and started telling you...
That is indefensible! Your wife is not overweight! Well anyway, my point is that, um, I'd like you to reconsider giving Bulldog his job back. And ah, whatever the consequences to me, I'm willing to accept it.
Oh sir, sir, I'm sure that'll make him so happy.
Well, I'll just, ah, get out of you hair.
What?
Oh god, not Father Mike? Oh, no.
Chopper Dave? Ray the Greengrocer? Bonnie “the Auto Lady” Weems?
Yes, I bet you could.
Bad news?
Oh, Ned, I... I'm so sorry. Then I guess this means that my job is still safe, then?
Well, you know Ned... I haven't been in the radio game that long. But, uh, I've been around long enough to know that people get fired. And when they do, they always seem to land on their feet. Now I've known quite a few people - and counseled them - that have suffered similar setbacks. But, ah, in time you will embrace this. Learn to think of this as, oh, a new chapter. You know, in theatrical circles, they always say “Every exit is but an entrance to somewhere else.”
Oh, Dad, Daphne. Hi. Niles, I've got to cancel our date, I have to meet Roz's replacement over at the station before the show.
What's this? Are you pregnant?
Oh, well, congratulations. You've got all the fertility software and so forth?
Yes, well, first child you know about.
Hmm? Oh, it's not what you think, Daphne. I was just referring to the time Niles sold his sperm to a sperm bank. Surely you told her about it.
Off I go.
Does her handicap preclude her from understanding Pig Latin?
Hello, Dana.
Likewise, I'm sure. Listen, if you have any questions, anything you'd like to know, please feel free to call on me. I'm here for you.
Will you excuse me?
Julia!
Listen, we still on for dinner at Chez Henri tonight?
Not as long as you're wearing something black and slinky.
Listen, why don't you stop by my place tonight for a cocktail first?
Okay.
Hello, Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. Our topic today is: new beginnings. I'd like you all to join me in welcoming a new member to the KACL family.
As many of you may know, my producer of ten years, Roz Doyle, has left us for greener pastures.
You know, Roz was not only known for her producing prowess, but also for her warmth, her kindness and her gentle spirit.
Very well, then, the beginning of a new era. Let's go to our first caller.
Oh, Niles. Dad, Julia is on her way, you told me you'd keep to your room while she's here.
And take your Cheetos-stained dog with you.
No, Niles, could you stay for just a moment? There's something going on in my life that requires a bit mulling. Sherry?
No? But we never mull without sherry.
Very well. Have a seat.
Suit yourself. Anyway, it's about Roz. After quitting her job, TWICE, she shows up back at work again, today, waist-deep in a sea of denial. Well, I confronted her on the issue...
What the hell are you doing?
Anyway, I confronted her on the issue, and she refused to discuss it with me. She wouldn't even look me in the eye. Which leads me to just one conclusion, Niles: She's in love with me.
That's because you don't have all the facts. I've never shared this with you before, Niles, so brace yourself. Two years ago, Roz and I slept together.
We did have a chance to discuss it, thoroughly. Talk things out. And at the time, she seemed happy to remain friends. But I realize, now, that I must have kindled a spark in her. That lit the torch she carries to this day. So what do you think...?
Are your pants humming?
Oh, dear.
Yes, I know! I know that!
Oh, Julia. Hi.
Good to see you. What's all this?
And what's in here? Is this dessert?
Fine.
She was, but I'm beginning to have second thoughts.
Niles, Julia and I have never been together sexually. Look what happened with Roz. We slept together two ago, she's still suffering.
In the sense of pining!
Oh, open your eyes, Niles! It's the same scenario: an infatuated co-worker, a night of passion. What if things don't work out between us? Every day she'll be forced to stare through the glass at me. Wondering what might have been, until one day, like Roz, she goes MAD!
Oh, Niles, don't you see? I'm just trying to be responsible. I don't want to sleep with Julia until I know that there's a future for us.
Yes. But you know, there's really no need for you to go to all this trouble. I mean, we can still have dinner at Chez Henri's.
Oh.
Mmm. That's yummy, yes.
You know, I think Zoltan from the club makes house calls. Let me get you his number.
Yes, of course.
No, no, I am. I am. I'm very interested. It's just that... before we take things to the next level, you should know there are certain risks.
No, no, no! Of course not! Of course not. Although, in a manner of speaking...
Excuse me.
It's Roz!
I don't know. Listen, just give us a moment or two together and I'll get rid of her.
Hi, Roz.
Yes.
Is everything okay?
No, Roz. Not stupid, human. And all too vulnerable. You've realized that you're in love with me.
Come on...
Okay, okay, just to be clear. You haven't been pining for me since we slept together?
Hold that thought, I've got to get in the kitchen and move something back to the front burner.
Julia...
No, no. Just us. Listen, I'd like to apologize for being skittish earlier. I...just chalk it up to nerves. I mean, after all, this is a big night for us. We've never done this before.
As have I. What I meant was...
Thank you. Where were we? Oh, here. I believe we were about to sample some sauce.
Oh, that's hot! Oh, God! I'll just go get rid of Roz.
You know, Roz, we've got so much to talk about, what do you say we pick this up again tomorrow over a cup of coffee?
I don't remember you having any complaints when we were in bed. I seem to recall hearing the term "stallion- like"!
Well, one of us did!
Julia...
Look, Roz was just leaving.
Julia, I...
No, it's my fault. I never should have let you in.
She doesn't hate you, Roz.
That's not always true.
I'm sorry.
Roz, the day a woman says I can't be friends with you is the day I know I picked the wrong woman.
Say, Julia has a dangerously hot meal cooking in the kitchen. Why don't you stay?
You can't tell her, Roz.
Hi, you two!
Hi, Daph, good to see you. Hello, Niles. Uh, my usual, please. Well, I've ruined another relationship. I suppose you'll want to hear the whole sorry tale.
Last night, Julia came over and, as usual, I made a mess of things... Did you say no?
But I wish to unburden myself.
You demur?
But this time was different...
Well. Silly me. To think that I could count on my only brother for shoulder on which to lean.
What pattern?
And when have I done that?
Oh, all right! I knew I had a pattern, I just didn't think you'd remember the names.
I'd like to strike you, of course, but you speak the truth. I'll tell you what, I will never find a happy relationship un-unless I can break out of this maddening cycle.
Commit to commitment. It's a bit glib, but nonetheless inspiring. Thank you, Niles. I'm going to call Julia, and I will not take "no" for an answer. I may have walked in here the old fault-finding, flaw-fleeing Flasier, but I leave a man committed to commitment.
I did not.
I most certainly did not.
I've been saying my own name for the last forty-some odd years.
Oh, hi Dad.
Dad, the odds of my knowing the score to the Mariners game are about the same as you knowing the score to Pacific Overtures. Did, uh, Julia call?
Oh, damn. Well, at least this little delivery will cheer me up. My new Frette hand towels have arrived. Ha, ha! Direct from Italy, I give you the spugna con frangia, with the tulle lace insert, huh?
Well, you may miss the luxurious feel of your trouser fronts, but yes.
Thanks anyway, Dad. I'll just see you at Niles and Daphne's for dinner, all right. Maybe I'll take in a movie.
Well, there's this new Russian film in town about a Crimean War vet.
I'm so sorry, Dad, I...
Julia! You got my message! Oh.
Oh. I'm sorry. Well, please, please come in. So, what did it look like?
Right, okay, yeah, you check there, and I'll...
Um, oh, I just said that I found you bright, and uh, beautiful and engaging, and then... there was a sonnet: "Fair love's ship ne'er sailed o'er unstorm'd seas. The fickle stars, her compass, bright and cruel..." It's pretty sappy stuff, huh?
So you did hear it?
That's exactly where I am in my life too. After you walked out last night, I realized how badly I want to be in a real relationship, how ready I am to...well, for want of a better phrase, uh, to commit to commitment.
No. And if I did...get in your pants, well...I'd want to stay there forever. I-I said that much more elegantly in the sonnet.
Really, where?
In my bed...well, we were never in my bedroom, I don't...
Oh. I see.
Have you ever been to fair Firenze?
Mine, too. Oh, I knew we'd be a good couple.
No. I've always wanted to.
Well, then let's go!
Sounds perfect! I'll tell you what. Let's toast this decision with a glass of Chianti.
Oh, shoot.
I just remembered I'm supposed to have dinner at my brother and his wife's house tonight. I'm just going to call and cancel.
Niles, it's-it's Frasier. Listen, I just got out of the movie, and it was so cold in the theater that I think I've... I think I've come down with a little something, and uh, I just...I just... I'm afraid I'm begging out tonight, all right?
Niles, for God's sakes, I just want to go home and get into bed.
I can't help it if I'm sick. What if I catch pneumonia?
What the hell are you doing here?
Oh, I'm sorry, Niles, uh, you remember Julia, of course.
Oh, I'm sorry. Would you have rather I told you that I was in flagrante delicto?
Julia and I would be delighted to attend.
Well, what do you want me to do, give her fifty bucks and tell her to beat it?
How about some Mozart to make things festive, huh?
Well, then you'd be wrong, as it is from the Salzburg Music Festival.
Oh, all right. I believe I have Michael Nyman's The Contemporary Trumpet.
All right, nothing then, my little wasp. Oh, thank you, Niles. Thank you very much.
She, uh, shoots from the hip, this one.
You should hear what she says about my show.
Well...
You just asked to see me.
Why would I have gone deaf?
Niles, Niles, don't be so sensitive. That is one of the qualities I admire most about Julia--her bracing frankness. Now listen, listen, it is partially because of your advice that I have chosen to commit myself to this woman, so please at least give her a chance.
Right, right, okay.
Dinner is served, everyone, if you'd come and take a seat. Here we are. Daph, I'll let you sit here. Julia, have a seat there, and I'll sit right next to you.
You know, she really does work too hard.
Well, what does it matter how we came to know this glorious news? Niles, that's wonderful!
Isn't this fun? I'm having a good time.
You know, that's exactly the kind of...flaw that the old Frasier would have...seized upon as a pretext to end the relationship, but I-I know now that...that impulse to run is-is really an indication that my feelings for her are just deepening, and um... gone are the days when I would have said something like... "How rude!" or "She's horrible. I've made a ghastly, ghastly mistake."
Who's ready to play that game of pictionary we talked about? I know I am. Let me just get that. Dad, I'll tell you what, I know how much you like to keep time, so you'll be the timer, and then it'll be me and Julia against Niles and Daphne. How about that?
Daphne, what do you say you draw first?
Wow! Well, congratulations, you two. Great.
Right, right, okay, here we go. Yeah, right. Okay, Dad.
No, that's, that's not it.
It's a cherry with a mustache and, uh, wearing a sombrero. It's "Cherry Garcia."
Oh, dear God!
Are you all right?
Right, right, here, let me just, uh, walk you to the powder room.
No, that's okay, you just take as long as you need.
Shame on you! That woman couldn't breathe, and the three of you just sat there!
That's because I mistook her choking for a sarcastic comment on my Pictionary play! You, on the other hand, were content to let the woman I love die before your eyes, THAT'S RIGHT, I SAID I LOVE HER!!
How dare you presume to know the workings of my heart? You can't understand the kind of feelings Julia and I have for one another. You might as well ask me to describe the essence of music or the, the color of starlight!
Get out.
I said get out!
No, that happened earlier when we slept together!
You're damn right I am!
And I, my hand towel!!
Do you want me to draw you a picture?!
Get out!
With this bottle, I would like to both commemorate and apologize for this evening. Daphne, Niles, this should have been your evening, and I selfishly monopolized every moment of it.
Not yet, Niles. Anyway, I handled things badly, both with Julia and with you, and I just hope that you can forgive me.
Well, then, to life, both the old and the new.
Ah, Niles, I'm so proud of you.
Niles, just look at the edging on this.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, hello Dad, hi Niles.
Uh, may I get my usual, please? Niles, we’re playing squash in twenty minutes. Where are your togs?
I see. Well, we could have rescheduled. Did you really have to lie?
Ah. Well, then you had to save yourself.
Right.
I know!
He is only the head of the Seattle Opera Guild, and one of the finest directors in the world.
We were merely paying due respect to one of the giants of the opera world.
Yes, it’s very chic, Roz.
Well... one wonders what’s been in Barry’s closet a little too long.
Oh, come on, he didn’t seem gay to you?
Yes, yes, uh, fabulous sums it up in a word.
Yes, all right, Roz, but you can see how someone might get that impression, all right?
All right, you’re right, it was a shallow, knee-jerk assumption, and unworthy of us, both as psychiatrists and men about town.
I’m moving as fast as I can in these ridiculous shorts yours.
I did not burst out of them. My laundress simply over- bleached them until they had the tensile strength of a cobweb. If you’re in such a hurry you should have brought your own car.
Yes, yes, you were seeing patients. We did not play squash.
No, I can’t imagine she would do that. Let’s just act natural.
Where did he go?
Well, let’s see. Tuesday is leather night... so it’s probably some sort of shoe outlet. It’s a gay bar, you idiot. Come on, let’s go.
Niles, Roz is my friend. I’m not going to let her get hurt by some man who’s lying to her about himself. I’ll be just a minute.
Excuse me, uh, I’m looking for a guy.
It’s a particular guy – he’s about thirty-five years old...
Eduardo! My furniture polisher. Don’t tell me you put away paste and chamois for life as a barkeep.
Oh, well, bet you’re surprised to see me in here.
All right, look, I thought I saw a friend of mine come in here. He’s, uh, mid-thirties, uh, wavy hair, good build...
Oh, oh...
Sherry, please.
What?
He’s in the bathroom.
What did you say?
Come again?
You see, actually, he and I are...
You can rationalize your actions all you want to, Kevin, but the truth is, you’re just not being honest, are you?
I beg your pardon?
Excuse me?
Oh. Oh, I see. Yes, in fact, I did pop into Bad Billy’s yesterday. You see, I thought I had seen a gentlemen I wished to speak with go in there, and I’d certainly never been in that bar before.
Well, they-they were not my shorts. You see, I’d been playing squash, and I borrowed them from my... uh, from my friend, who is slim-hipped.
Look, I did not pick anybody up! All right, I am going to put an end to this discussion, because there is nothing to discuss. On my way home from the gym, I popped into Bad Billy’s looking for a man I was hoping was in the bathroom. I had a quick sherry with my French polisher and then I left. As for how I got into another man’s shorts, that is no one’s business!
Oh, dear God!
All right, Roz. I-I saw him on the street, I turned, and the next thing I knew he was gone. I thought he was...
What?
Outed?!
Thank you, Gil.
Gil, I am not gay.
They were not my shorts! I simply borrowed them because my own had split when I bent over...
Oh, shut up, you big queen!
Oh, Dad. You care for a coffee?
Yes, Dad.
Yes, all right, Dad.
Yes, all right! Thank you.
I see you caught my show.
Go ahead, let’s hear it.
You know, I’m glad this tickles you.
Are you done?
I will return those shorts to you tomorrow.
Dad, please clean up that debris around your chair. Alistair is coming by.
Now, that’s him. Everyone just act natural.
He’s taking me to Madrid!
Well, he’s a man of the theater, he kisses everyone. Well, it’s not like he’s the first gay friend I’ve ever had.
He does not think I’m gay.
I don’t have to. I mean, it’s obvious – we are just friends. He is not courting me.
So what if it is!
Stop that! My friendship with Alistair is the best thing that’s happened to me in months. I will not have you sully it by making it out to be something it’s not.
Oh, Daph.
Oh my God!
Yes.
Listen, I can’t help it if people think we’re a couple. The point is, I’m enjoying myself, and if you’re too jealous to be happy for me, then that’s your problem.
Yes, that’s right. All my life, I have dreamed of being half of a power couple, and I finally am! Is it perfect? No. But it’s fun, and I don’t want it to end.
Oh, please, the man has not even made a move on me. And do you know why? Because we are friends. Famous, fabulous friends.
Niles?
Do you notice that you've been awfully chatty lately?
Don't you hear that?
Well, let's see: you do have a baby on the way. Perhaps your incessant jabbering is just a way of distracting yourself from this life changing event.
Well, it's not so hard to believe. You were fifteen before you discovered there was a correlation between being beaten up every day and going to school in a Panama hat.
Niles!
Does that woman look familiar to you?
My God! That's Ronee Lawrence.
She used to baby-sit for us. Oh my God, I had a crush on her. She's the first girl to ever break my heart. I used to watch her through the banister, making out with her boyfriend. Chad.
Yes, I know, you really had Dad's hopes up there for a while.
Excuse me, are you Ronee Lawrence?
It's good to see you. Niles and I were just...
You look fantastic.
Of course it is. You know, exercise, dieting and all...
Oh.
Niles, we've got a moment, I think. So, what have you been up to?
Oh, great, great.
Oh, well, actually I'm getting back into private practice as well. In fact, we're here today picking out a couch for my new offices. I saw you checking out the Barcaloungers. Are you buying a chair for your husband?
Oh, well, you know, you must come by the house to do a proper catch up. I know my dad would love to see you again.
Well, then how about cocktails around seven? I'm at the Elliot Bay Towers, on the Counterbalance.
Okay, bye.
Okay go ahead, Niles.
I know, I know...
I know, give it a good one.
You know, have some sympathy, Niles. Obviously, my foot-dragging is a kind of avoidance. After all, I haven't been in private practice for twelve years. Maybe I don't have the skills anymore.
Still got the gift of gab, I see.
I just didn't want Ronee to think I was coming on too strong. I was hoping this reunion might lead to a countdown for a future liftoff from Cape Crane-averal.
Oh, Dad. Hey.
Niles and I ran into Ronee Lawrence today and she's coming over for cocktails. You remember, our old babysitter.
She happens to look fabulous.
Which you will soon see for yourself. She's playing the piano down at the Wellington.
Ronee, hi. Come on in. Good to see you.
Meet my sister-in-law, Daphne.
And of course, you remember my dad.
Oh right. Would you like a glass of wine?
Dad, why don't you get yourself a beer?
Well I'm sure the album was just wonderful. You know, maybe I can interest you in a duet a little later.
Wouldn't it, though? I have a feeling that our musical styles just might harmoni...
Dad, could you help me with something in the kitchen?
Right now!
What the hell do you think you're doing?
Because I'm working a little magic of my own. And your magic was mucking up my magic!
Since WHEN do I bring you women?! What are you, the Sultan of Brunei?
Something wrong?
Oh, no.
You know we will. You can count on that.
We'll be there with bells on.
Bye, see you later.
I can't believe the way you are humiliating yourself. A man your age!
She was flirting with me! You just got caught in the crossfire.
Fine. If you insist on humiliating yourself, how's this: I will invite Ronee over for dinner this weekend and she can choose for herself. Agreed?
You don't suppose he's sneaking down to the Rendezvous, do you?
Quite right. Dad is nothing if not an honorable man. I don't know what I was thinking.
No, I want to freshen up first. See yourselves out.
I guess I just didn't want our little reunion ending so abruptly.
I had a feeling you might say that.
Dad!
You said you were going to McGinty's. How long have you been here?
You know, Dad, you really ought to slow down there. At his age, one slip and it's the ICU and then it's I see you later.
Oh, you bet we are.
Say, Ronee, it's such a beautiful piano, it's a shame we didn't get a chance to do our duet.
Really?
I don't mind scrunching at all.
Oh, it is most definitely not just you.
Oh, I love this song.
Oh, I'm sure you special someone would just love to hear it.
Yeah. Pizza guy forgot to close it when he left. What're you doin' here?
I'm kinda into "Wheel of Fortune" right now.
Dad, you don't have to be so coy. I know where you're goin'.
So, did you want one?
That's because I'm depressed, you nit!
Yeah, I know, I know there was no future for Ronee and me. I'm depressed, Niles. I don't know why. Wait a minute...
Wait a minute... I think I can make a really great sandwich out of all my leftover chutneys.
Niles!
Well, what do you think I'm doing? I'm gonna eat it.
Oh, my God.
It's Viagra!
No. It's a prescription for Martin Crane. Why do you suppose he would put it in here?
It's Dad!
Dad. What are you doing back so soon?
Well, you're certainly not going to find it in the kitchen.
Now what?
Dad...
No, Dad, I found them by accident. I tried to put them back. I didn't mean to embarrass you. Here.
Dad...
Why would you do that, Dad? I mean, you're not going to let what happened tonight end things with Ronee, are you? Is there something else going on here?
Dad, it's us.
Dad, when she was babysitting for us, did you ever notice her?
And did Mom ever notice you notice her?
Well, there you are. You're still feeling guilt and shame for being attracted to her all those years ago. But she's an adult now and you should really allow yourself to explore these feelings.
Thank you, Niles. You know, perhaps my depression over losing Ronee was actually rooted in my feelings for her from long ago as well. After all, she was the first person to reject me. Even though she never knew it. Perhaps by pursuing her again, I was hoping to undo that first rejection, thereby erasing all the subsequent rejections in my life and giving myself a much needed shot of self-esteem.
Did you hear that?! My analytical skills are on fire!
Well, so much for worrying about whether I'm ready to get back into private practice. The answer is a resounding "Yes"!
Niles! Do you realize your babbling kicks in whenever I talk about my return to private practice? Perhaps this condition of yours has less to do with baby jitters and more to do with my entering your domain. My God! If I get any hotter I'm going to set off the sprinklers!
Niles, Niles! Relax, it's okay. You are an excellent psychiatrist. I couldn't eclipse you if I tried.
You're sure?
Splendid. And Dad, you should go down and see Ronee. She must like you an awful lot, considering who she passed up.
Ronee didn't go to parochial school.
No. That was our other babysitter, Sally.
Dad, don't you want your "cheese"?
Roz, I came as quickly as I could. What's the emergency?
I'm sorry. I'm Dr. Frasier Crane.
Well, I'm sorry she dragged you all the way down here. I've just renewed my policy, but perhaps Roz could introduce you to my brother Niles.
No, but with a baby on the way, he might need some additional coverage.
Why would you do that?
This is a grocery tote. I wanted to pick up some vegetables and some cat food at the market.
No, no, I am catsitting for a neighbor, and I go out. I'm going out this evening.
People.
They're still people. Listen, Roz, I may not go out as often as you do, but that's because I have standards. Haven't you ever heard of waiting for Miss Right?
You can smell that?
Oh.
I don't want to go out with somebody I'm not interested in. I would rather wait for Miss Right, and while I'm waiting, there's no reason I can't live a rich and rewarding life. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to get these vegetables home and into a hearty winter soup.
Did Roz put you up to this?
Well, I'm sorry, Kenny, but I am booked all this weekend. Oh, here's luck! I found a perfectly good thimble in this pocket! See you later.
Oh, yes, excuse me, if I could get a place setting, that would be lovely.
Is it possible to make that for one?
Yes, a bruschetta for me, no bruschetta for my love, and so on.
All right, listen, all of you just knock it off.
Oh, just go dance!
Hello, Mr. Bottomsley. Dinner was an absolute nightmare. Fortunately, I was able to slip out of there early and pick you up a little treat. Fresh tuna. You're welcome.
Honestly, why does everyone assume that I need some companionship in my life? Has the world gone mad, Mr. Bottomsley?
Well, what shall we two bachelors do this evening, Mr. B? Perhaps a crossword puzzle. Maybe watch a little telly. Oh, I know--how about a nice hot bath? I'm just teasing. Now, I know that you're used to eating canned tuna, so this will taste different, but if you're like me, I think you'll agree it's much better. If only there were a treat here for me. Ah, what's this? A delicious nine- vegetable winter soup. Yes, Mr. B, I think you were right about the bay leaves.
Ah, Mr. Bottomsley, lovely to see you again, sir. Your customary table, I presume, hmm? Splendid. Here you go.
Well, isn't this civilized.
Beat it, Eddie, there's none for you. Do you feel a draft, Mr. B? I'm just a little bit cold. That's better. Hmm, that's still a little too hot. You know what, while we're letting that cool, why don't we find a home for our... antique. There we are, yes, now.
You know, you don't find one of these very easily. Especially in such good condition. Won't that covetous Niles be mad when he sees this, hmm? But he can't have it, can he, nooo. Yes, he can't have it, can he, no, no...
Dear God, I'm Aunt Shirley!
What's that number?
So, Ann... tell me everything. Who is Ann Hodges?
Oh.
Well, you know, we don't have to have just shop talk. What are your dreams?
Oh, yes.
Yes, as a matter of fact, I would--I'd like your finest bottle of Barolo, please. Why don't you come back in a minute and see what the lady likes.
Hmm?
Oh, Kenny, hi.
Well... is this, uh, your first time in Seattle?
That's impressive.
It's lovely to meet you... Miss Wright.
Oh, well, how about tomorrow night?
Ah.
Yes, well, you know, I'm just about finished up here.
Oh, it's not a date. It's not a date. It's just a little business thing. You know, I'll tell you what. I'll just wrap things up here, and then I'll come and help you wage the battle for Seattle.
Bye.
Ah.
Well... uh, you know, Ann, uh, first dates are funny. Umm, sometimes it takes a while for two people to click. Sometimes you know right away, and, uh, I think when you do, you should just feel free...
What?
Ann, um...
Oh. Gosh, this is a feast! I'm not sure we'll need to order a main course.
The bunny had a big Mexican lunch. You know, if you're feeling full then I'm sure they could wrap up the rest of that for you.
Excuse me, I'd better get that!
Yes, it did. Hello? Niles? Is there something wrong? Oh, dear God, well, you just stay there on the floor. I'll be right there. I'm so sorry, uh...
Well, actually, it's my brother. He's thrown out his back again. Oh, God, right in the middle of our magical evening too! Uh, check please. Thank you. You know, I guess I'm just going to have to put you in a cab. I'm so sorry. I was having such a lovely evening.
Yes, um, all right, all right.
Ah, thank you very much. Yes, here, yeah, that's fine, uh, you just keep the change. Uh, thank you. Uh, shall we?
You know what, I-I can't leave. I can't. It would be rude.
No, no. It's... not like he's going anywhere anyway.
Well, now that you mention it, uh, I guess I would like to try it. Yes, thank you.
Roar.
All right. Once again, I've had such a lovely evening.
I can still hear you, so no. Gosh, uh, you know, I'm parked out back, so I'll just slip out through the kitchen. I'm sure the valet can find you a cab.
Oh, it's not awkward at all. I'd be delighted to pay for your cab. Here we are. Bye-bye.
Hi! I hope I'm not too late.
Oh, well, let me be the first to offer my congratulations... to Seattle.
And please let me offer my services as a cultural attaché.
Well, I think this calls for a toast, uh, may I please see your list of champagnes please?
Ann.
No, no, of-of course not. Listen, there's a perfectly logical explanation for all this, which is...I'm sorry. I've-I've go to take that! Hello?
Oh, gosh, Dad, that sounds serious! You stay put, I'll be right there.
Ow, that's loud.
But Miss Wright...
I'm sorry, Ann.
You're right. I don't know what to say.
Are you seriously suggesting that...?
See you at 10:00?
Excuse me, excuse me! Did it occur to you that some of us might still be trying to sleep?
Yes, very impressive. Does she take requests?
Stop it!
I don’t want any breakfast, and please stop calling me that.
Yes, it’s mind-boggling. Listen, Dad, do you mind giving me a ride to work today? My car is in the shop.
Well, yeah, my seat-warmer’s stuck on high, so I tried to offset it by blasting the air conditioner, which resulted in sort of a fog bank on my dashboard.
Fine. Let me just make sure my will is in order, and I’ll be back in a minute.
Don’t use all the hot water!
You know, I got two steps in my room and realized I’d forgotten - ah, there it is.
You are a national treasure.
Niles! Thank God you’re here. Listen, there’s something I need to discuss with you.
Who?
Yes, yes, I know who Dr. Seuss is, you ninny. Who’s the other guy?
I was feigning interest to begin with. Niles, I-I need your advice on something. Uh, this morning, I-I heard Ronee on the phone make a date with another man.
I’m positive. She was talking to a man, yes, and in honeyed tones.
Here’s my predicament. I-I don’t want to meddle, but I also don’t want to see Dad get hurt. So, how do you suggest we tell him?
Yes, “we.”
You know as much as I do, I just briefed you.
Well, then you should have said something, now you’re in as deep as I am! You can’t unscramble an egg, Niles.
Yes...
Well, I’m afraid I’m not very well-connected in the doo-wop world, Dad. Uh, if there’s ever a “Mahler-palooza,” I’m your man.
That’s all right. It’s great to have a fling once in a while, isn’t it?
I see.
No.
Well, all right, if you insist on dragging it out of me. Something happened this morning, Dad.
Well, I was, uh, walking down the hall to retrieve my coffee, and, uh, Ronee was on the phone, and I didn’t want to interrupt, so I waited, and I heard her make a... a date with another man.
No.
Dad, it was completely by accident. I understand why you’d be upset, but please don’t shoot the messenger.
Dad, please!
Oh, well, I’m glad the two of you found that so amusing, but as you just heard, it is rude to listen in on other people’s conversations.
Oh, Niles, come on in.
Oh well, that was good luck, how did you manage it?
Well, my money clip. Have you seen it?
I’ve misplaced it, and it’s distracting me no end.
Oh well, I’m glad to hear that. He was just a bit vexed when he left me earlier this morning.
As we agreed!
Yes, “we.”
Oh, give it up, Niles! There’s blood on both our hands! Oh, gosh, I better go eat something. I’ve got my reading in twenty minutes.
Yes, yes, I’m, uh, reciting “Annabelle Lee” for the Poe Society this evening. I-I don’t mind telling you, I’m just a bit nervous.
Yes.
I didn’t know you two were home. Uh, I was just cleaning the oven, I must have dozed off.
Dad, please, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, let me explain-
I tried to announce myself, I had a mouthful of apple rendering me speechless!
You are just angry because I heard you lying to Ronee. You really expect to win Ronee’s heart by inventing fictitious girlfriends? “Sheila,” indeed!
Well, I did hear it.
Dad, you cannot build a relationship on lies!
Dad!
Fine!
Dad, what are you doing here? Hi, Roz. Uh, hello.
Okay, what the hell’s going on?
Oh, hi, Ronee.
So you’ve been pressed into service as Sheila, hmm?
Dad, when are you going to stop playing games and tell her how you feel?
How do you know you’re going to scare her off?
It’s not desperate to tell somebody how you feel about them.
What if she does and you never find out?
Dad... just give her a call and tell her you want to talk to her.
Was that a “leave me alone” grunt, or a “you’ve bested me again, son, with your unassailable logic” grunt?
I thought so.
Hey, Dad. What are you watching?
Sports wrap-up? Oh, that sounds like fun.
Oof! Oh, gosh, that’s not very sportsmanlike.
So?
Well, you did the right thing, Dad. I am proud of you.
Well, who said anything about dropping you?
Oh hi, Ronee.
Oh, uh... I was just heading out.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, I love clubbin’.
Oh good, Niles, you’re back. How was the concert? Well, you’re the one who wanted that cloud mural. I’m sure Pope Julius had to jump through similar hoops to get Michelangelo to paint his ceiling.
Dear God, I think I’ve just realized where I must have dropped my money clip - Ronee’s car. She gave me a ride in it the day I lost it. Well, that’s irresponsible of her. She’s left it open.
Oh yes, of course.
There we are.
Anyway, I thought I’d swing by and take us both out for a nightcap. All right, great.
Oh, by the way, Niles, I spoke with Dad, and he has taken our advice about talking things over with Ronee. Mine and yours, that’s what I mean by “our!” Oh, take some responsibility for once in your life, man!
Hello, all.
What a glorious morning it is, isn't it? May I get my usual, please?
Yes, I'm like an eager school boy on his first day of fractions. So, how was the Van Laningdams' party last night? Weren't you lucky to snare an invitation?
Ah, the mood swings. Takes me back.
Thank you.
Actually, can we order in from them? You see, I'm booked except between the hours of 11:45 and 12:30.
Yes, well, I really want to pack in all I can. That's why I took the day off from my radio show.
Same to you, Skipper.
Not at all, won't you come in? I'm Dr. Frasier Crane, please, be seated.
First of all, welcome. Whether our journey together lasts for years or just one day, I can't tell you how excited I am to take this first step with you.
Oh, well, I see my first patient is here, if you could just see her in. Thank you.
Hello, Jane. Please, be seated, won't you? I'm Dr. Frasier Crane.
First of all, welcome. Whether our journey together lasts for years or just for one day, I can't tell you how excited I am to take this first step with you.
Ah. I am in the media. So my face is recognizable. But don't let that inhibit you.
Please, what's on your mind?
I see. And is this sadness triggered by anything...
Yes, a few years ago.
Oh. Well, then I'm glad that we cleared that up. Now, this sadness of yours, is it a general...
Yes, well, you are now at a place where you can feel free to express your...
Well, perhaps we should discuss it.
I see.
No, no, please. It's important that you feel free to express yourself to me. Please, go on.
This isn't going to work, is it?
Okay.
Oh, please, not at all. It's just fine.
And best of luck conquering that constant sadness.
Already?
First of all, welcome. Whether our journey together lasts for years or just one day, I can't tell you how excited I am to take this first step with you.
That's all right Peggy.
That was my eleven.
Oh, dear. What's got Daphne all worked up now?
Maris?!
About what?
Can't you see her after lunch?
Before, then.
Hello, Dad.
Thank you. Why don't you have a seat?
Well, I'm just trying to figure out this chair from Stockholm Design. The instruction booklet alone would account for the high suicide rate.
Listen, how did things go with Maris?
So, Niles, what did you tell her?
Yes, I agree with Dad. Normally, I'm a proponent of telling the truth, but as a man who's dealt with a pregnant spouse, I say lie, lie until your pants are on fire.
Thank you, Peggy. Well, I'd love to stay here and chat, but duty calls.
Thank you, Peggy.
Hi, Carol. Please come in. Won't you sit down?
Welcome. Whether our journey lasts for several years or just for a day, I want you to know how excited I am to take this first step with you. So, what's on your mind?
Uh huh. How so?
There we are. Please, why don't you go ahead?
I'll tell you what, I'm just going to get another chair. And why don't you keep talking, if you like I can still hear you.
I can see how that would be very frustrating for you.
Look, I've had a very tough day. I'm entitled to a little comfort food before my evening appointment.
Thank you, Dad, for schooling me in the ancient ways.
Yes.
You've made a mistake.
Well, just a little unfortunate accident. Please, send her in.
Hello.
Hello, Shannon. Please, won't you be seated. I'm Dr. Frasier Crane.
Uh, first of all, welcome. Whether our journey together lasts for years or only just a day, I can't tell you how excited I am to take this first step with you.
Well, just relax. You know, many of my patients find it easier to open up if they're lying down.
It must be the air conditioning or something. Please continue.
The machine will get it.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, good lord!
I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
It's not my fault! It's just a trick I learned from my dad!
Well, Peggy, I'm afraid I won't really be needing anyone permanent.
I'm starting to think this return to private practice was a big mistake.
Nice meeting you, too.
Yes.
Oh, well uh, I was just about to put this day out of its misery, but please come in.
I'll just get it off your insurance form. Why don't you have a seat, Brad.
First of all, welcome. Whether this journey...well, forget it. Uh, what's troubling you?
You know, Brad, sometimes things take a little longer to turn in our favor than we think they should.
That depends. Tell me more, I'm listening.
What's got Daphne all worked up now?
Yes?
Niles! What have you heard?
As well as can be expected.
Well, we've all seen her murder many a lively dinner party.
Oh, come on, I'm joking. And haven't I earned the right to my gallows humor? After all, are you forgetting that just this afternoon I was punched in the face by a man now dead?
Thank you.
Ah.
Those beer-loving rascals! Tell it, Niles!
Oh, dear. Niles, they're in front of Maris's house now.
I'll stay with Daphne.
You know, that's going to go on all night. Do you want to just stay at my place?
Allow me. Hello? Yes, I'll tell her. That was your mother. She heard the news, she's on her way over.
Here, let me take that.
Well, you've got to admit, Niles, it doesn't look very good.
Oh, that must be the paper.
Oh, dear. It's on the front page.
Well, let me see. Ah, here we are, yes. Uh, "Maris Crane is believed to have gotten the crossbow from her ex- husband, Dr. Niles Crane, with whom she lunched on the day the murder."
"According to sources, Crane divorced the accused some years ago to marry her plastic surgeon, whom he left in order... to marry..." Oh, dear.
Yes, Niles is right. For example look, further on here it says, ha-ha, "Dr. Crane is the brother of local deejay, Frazer--with a 'Z'--Crane." You just have to laugh these things off.
Bravo, Niles, that's very healthy.
I'll call you later.
Well, how often does she call you?
No, no, absolutely not, Niles. That is the worst possible thing you could do. It would only fan the flames. I'll tell you what. Why don't you slip out the back way, and I will talk to them for you.
No, Niles, I insist. I'm used to dealing with these media jackals. You have no idea how they can twist your words with editing tricks and such. All right, off you go.
Recent events involving my brother, Niles Crane and his ex-wife are tragic, almost as tragic as the rampant media speculation concerning his involvement. If there is any justice in the world, Maris Crane and Niles Crane will soon be executed. Thank you, that is all I have to say.
I said no such thing. I did? I did. Excuse me? Excuse me! Come back!
Maris Crane and Niles Crane will soon be executed.
They know I meant "exonerated."
Oh, Daphne, Niles. Listen, I'm, I'm so sorry about today's little gaffe. You know what I meant.
Niles, once again, I'm so sorry...
You know, Niles, your good cheer in spite of everything is just remarkable.
Oh, Daphne, can I get you something?
Well, uh, I-I guess I deserved that, but may I remind you I'm a bit of a victim myself... as just yesterday I was punched in the face by a man... now dead.
Thank you.
I'll say, these are imported from Belgium.
A little too well. I'm starting to fear he's not dealing with his emotions at all.
Dad, it's called "repression" and it is not healthy. The man is a walking pressure-cooker. It's his senior year all over again.
Oh, that's right. He swore me to secrecy. Well...
Niles got mono and he missed four weeks of class, right? So, he was studying around the clock trying to catch up. Just before finals, his girlfriend dumped him - for his roommate. Niles insisted he was just fine - right up until the very moment when they found him in the all-night grocery, sitting in a freezer bin talking to a bag frozen corn, whispering "Why so cold, my love?"
Sherry, Niles?
To the balcony?
Niles, while I admire your initial fortitude, I can't help thinking you may have taken things to extremes. As you know, it can be dangerous to repress one's emotions.
Are you sure you're not too detached?
What in the hell?!
That doesn't bother you?!
Oh, for heaven's sake, get inside! You should be ashamed of yourselves! You know perfectly well I meant EXONERATED!!
Hello, Niles.
What's going on?
Well, uh, Niles, maybe you should put some clothes on.
Niles, look at yourself.
I think a lot of people are having that dream. We have to go now, Niles.
But! - you're not getting in my car like that.
It's just a panic attack. It's happened before, but he's never been quite this close to butterfly-net territory.
May I have your apron, please?
And, and yours?
All right, Niles. I'm going to wrap you up like a big, green Christmas present. You like Christmas, don't you?
There we are.
Wow, Roz, that was persuasive.
Well, it was already. You've been asleep for twenty hours.
Oh, Niles, you didn't embarrass me one bit. Well, maybe just a little... On our way to the car the breeze from a passing school bus turned your apron into a cape, and...
Now there's the Niles that's been missing in action.
That's the stuff, Niles, doesn't it feel good to get it off your chest?
I did no such thing!
Oh, fine! Fine! Turn your anger on me. It's almost as if you'd forgotten that not three days ago I was punched in the face by a man now dead.
Thank you! Now who wants pancakes?
What? That gun is still around?
Dad, two years ago I demanded you get rid of it and you said you did. Don’t tell me it’s still in your closet.
Well, I don’t want it here in my apartment.
Mm, yeah, oh well, I was having the most distressing dream. I was climbing up a volcano that was spewing ice instead of lava.
Oh, what’s this?
Oh damn, I completely forgot. Lilith is in town for a one-day conference. Now I’ll have to cancel lunch to see her.
No, no, she’ll only be hurt, and of course she’ll, she’ll dredge it up the next time she needs an emotional trump card. Ooh! Maybe I can trick her into canceling lunch on me!
We tried talking when we were married. We were better at games. Hello, Lilith, it’s Frasier. Gosh, I’m so sorry. I was on my way to breakfast, and, uh... I-I swerved to avoid hitting a Pomeranian, and I-I ran up on the curb and blew a tire. All right, well, maybe you could come by here for lunch.
She won’t, she won’t. Okay, then. All right, see you here around 1:00, okay.
Damn - she came to play.
Oh hi, Roz.
Oh, damn! Again?
Oh, I’m terribly sorry. Please, go ahead.
No, I insist. After you.
All right, uh, a macchiato for here.
No, no, we’re a, a rare breed. Spartan... rugged...
Just a sprinkle. So, is this your first time here?
Oh well, then that entitles you to a complimentary beverage. These are on me.
No.
Well, it sounds intriguing.
All right, then.
Roz, have you ever been set up on a date with someone whose name you didn’t know?
Well, I just met this woman who’s in town on business. She asked me to join a friend of hers for a drink at the Marina Tavern.
Oh, that’s what I thought. I wonder why she wouldn’t give me her name?
I’m not sure that’s something you want to admit knowing, Roz.
I’m not sure that’s something you want to admit either.
Oh, hello, Mrs. Richman.
Hello, all. What’s going on?
Oh, really? Oh, Niles, have you changed your mind about my new statue? Yesterday you said it was sterile and unmoving.
Well, I’d love to stay and gloat, but I have a very intriguing date for which I must get ready.
Thank you, Dad. Oh, what’s this?
Oh, dear... damn! I’ve got an exciting mystery date, and who should rear her head at the last minute but Lilith!
Good thinking, Dad! I can dispense with the pleasantries and be on my way!
You know, on second thought...
...maybe I should invite Lilith here so that I can have more time to get ready.
You’re quite right – but, then, should I change or am I fine the way I am?
Well then, I’ll just see you all later.
Hi, Lilith. I’m sorry I’m late. Traffic was a bear. It’s good to see you.
Anyway, I’m sorry about all the missed connections today, but at least we have a chance to catch up, however briefly.
Ha! One minute!
Not if I’m keeping you from something.
Oh, really?
Not at all. Actually, I’m running late for a date myself.
No. It is with a woman – a very vibrant, sexy woman.
Well, listen, if you’re running late, and you need to cancel our drink...
Well, I canceled on you twice, that would make us even.
Ah.
Oh, no, not at all. My absence will only make her heart grow fonder. You mind if I use the bathroom?
Please don’t leave, please don’t leave, please don’t leave... Hello? Miss Mocha Valencia? Yes, Macchiato Man here. Uh, listen, I’m glad I caught you.
Uh well, something’s come up and I’m afraid I have to—
Fine.
Off?
Oh, really? Well, please tell your “friend” that I wasn’t exactly bowled over by her first thoughts!
I don’t even know what that means.
I’d say, “don’t get too comfortable in that glass.”
Well, this is nice.
Freddy tells me he dissected a frog.
Lilith, you seem preoccupied. Is this about your blind date tonight?
Well, for what it’s worth, whoever this guy is... he’ll feel awfully lucky when you walk through the door.
Oh, right. Well, I guess I should be going, yes.
Although, you know, you are here for just one night. Perhaps I could call and push things back a bit?
Great.
Oh, I’ll just trot out my stand-by, it works every time. Simply say that I swerved to avoid hitting a Chihuahua, ran up on a curb and blew a tire.
Well, this morning it was.
So I’m in the middle of this date from hell, when Kenny walks in with his cousin, whom I’d passed on sight unseen. Turns out she’s not only gorgeous, but her name is actually Miss Wright.
Mm-hmm.
Say, are there any more kettle chips in the mini-bar?
Ah.
Boy, that takes you back, doesn’t it?
You know, I’m just going to ask them to be quiet.
Yes, uh... it’s all right. You see, we overheard your quarrel, and in the interest of keeping the peace and quiet, maybe we could offer some assistance.
Oh, can you, Sean? You don’t even know what you did.
Please, won’t you come in? I’m Dr. Frasier Crane, this is Dr. Lilith Sternin. We are psychiatrists.
Please, come and sit down.
All right then. What seems to be the problem?
Well, maybe. Shot in the dark here – your parents are divorced, Dad left Mom?
And you, you care about this woman?
Then keep your eyes in your head! It bugs her, and it’s bad form.
Actually...
Likewise, likewise. You seem like a really nice young couple, and I’m sure you’ll understand if I lock the door. Good night.
Back at you, Dr. Sternin. I’d suggest that we try a high-five, but I recall we attempted that once after a bridge victory and you scratched my cornea.
Right.
Good luck on your-your romantic adventure this evening. Don’t you worry — you’re going to knock his socks off...
You’re kidding.
Well, there’s no need to beat yourself up about it.
It’s understandable. Just a face-saving gesture in the light of...
All right, yes. It’s a banner day for both of us. I tell you, all this lying has certainly worked up my appetite. You want to get some room service?
Okay.
Certainly beats sitting alone, wondering what we missed out on this evening, hmm?
Hmm? Hmm... oh! Oh, gosh, I’m sorry. Oh, I must have dozed off during the movie.
Uh, it’s almost six.
Right, right. Well, I’ll just get out of your hair. Listen, Lilith, dinner was lovely last night. I had a great time.
Absolutely. Well listen, have a safe trip and all that, and give Freddy a hug for me.
All right.
You know, it’s funny...
Well, I was just thinking that if we had never met, we’re exactly the kind of people that somebody might set up on a blind date.
Ah, yes. It’s amusing to consider though, you know? What would we think of each other if were just meeting now for the first time?
Ah, true. But then that raises many other questions. I mean, what sort of man would the non-Lilith Frasier be? What sort of woman...?
Of course.
We do have our baggage, don’t we? But then sometimes that’s what makes the trip so interesting.
Good-bye, Lilith.
Well, Dad's done it again. That was Dr. Jennings’s office on the phone. He's skipped his physical again today.
Yes, well I didn't see you volunteering this afternoon.
If only we had some way of knowing if he was about to arrive.
So. How was your exam today?
EKG?
Hope they took a full blood panel.
Well, all right Dad, fine. If you don't like him, why don't you go to see my doctor, she's one of the finest gastroenterologists in this city.
Niles, surely you could recommend someone?
Niles!
Ooh, Lichtenstein. He sounds perfect.
Oh, now just hang on a second there, mister. I will make the arrangements and I will escort you personally.
So Niles, what's Dr. Newman's number?
...Niles? NILES!
Dad, Dad, just relax. Read a magazine. Oh, here, here. Take the Cosmo quiz.
Would you mind doing that quietly, it's not an oral exam.
Oh, just the compulsives. It was part of their therapy. Relax there, I'll take care of it.
Dad, relax. He'll be here any minute. You know Dad, I was just struck by one of life's little ironies. I remember you taking me to the doctor, and now here I am taking you.
Oh boy, was I scared. I remember you holding my hand.
All right dad, look, I'll check and see if there's someone substituting for him.
Dad? I'm afraid the doctor won't be able to make your appointment today.
Dad, Dad, Dad – Dr. Newman is dead. He died an hour ago.
I mean, there he was, walking down his walkway this morning and, he bends over to pick up his newspaper and BANG! - he drops dead of a heart attack. It's just... God, you know? I pick up my newspaper every day. And the Sunday Times is very heavy, I'm thinking of canceling.
“These things happen?” Roz, how can you say that? My God, this was not an old man, he was my age.
Don't you ever think about you're own mortality? Don't you ever think about dying?
Someone certainly has a very high opinion of herself.
Why is it that every time we try to have a serious discussion, we end up talking about your sex life?
Niles, thank you so much for coming at such short notice.
Pump iron? Niles, you don't even pump your own gas.
Well, it's this: Dr. Newman dying at such a young age really threw me for a loop. I was trying to figure out why, and I finally realized that I hadn't made the proper provisions for my own death.
First, the pertinent information. I've prepared copies for each of you. The location and numbers of my bank accounts; my safety deposit keys; the number for my attorney... Niles, what are you doing? Oh, give me that!
Now, the distribution of my personal possessions.
No, no Daphne, please, I'd like you to stay. I'll come to you later. Dad, Niles, I'd like you to put your names on these stickers, and place them on any object you'd like bequeathed to you.
Dad, what happens if I die tomorrow, you and Niles end up in an argument about... well, that African mask, for instance?
Okay, fine. Now we come to the issue of... my remains.
I've arranged every detail in this easy-to-read binder.
Michaelson's.
Well, there is just one more duck to put in the row. I've done some research and I've discovered that most unexpected deaths occur in the home. And Daphne, this is where you come in, the actual finding of the body.
Well, perhaps dad's right. Maybe we should just drop the subject. Well, thank you. This meeting has actually made me feel better, I think I can handle my mortality a bit better now. Well, enough talk about death. Let's celebrate life with a bottle Chateau Certair '75
Well, perhaps a bottle of Beaujolais Nouveau would be more appropriate.
Dad, please, shh. I'm trying to listen to my heartbeat. Amazing thing, the human heart. You know, it can pump eighteen hundred gallons of blood through it each and every day, but the tiniest tear in the tiniest part of the tiniest artery and “poof,” you're gone.
Oh, so did I. What is the matter with me? I guess I thought that putting my affairs in order would help me to deal with this thing, but it hasn't. I... I can't seem to get over the feeling that no matter how remote the possibility, something could happen to me. Jeez, I'd miss so much. I'd never get to see my son hit his first home run. It'd be a terrible thing for a father to miss.
So what did you do?
Just like that?
You were this close to helping me there, Dad.
Yes, but he was just like me. Highly educated, sophisticated, at the top of his profession; I saw a picture of him in a medical journal, he even looked like me. Same determined chin, sweater vest and ever-so-slightly receding hairline.
Actually, you're on to something there, dad. Yeah, yeah. For all I know he could have had high blood pressure, popped pills, drank like a fish...
I'm gonna find out what caused his heart attack. That's the only way I can disassociate myself from him. There's got to be some reasonable explanation. That's great, dad. Actually, I do feel better now.
Niles... the vultures are circling.
Hello? Hello. I called earlier, someone said Mrs. Newman would be here?
Dr. Frasier Crane. My sincerest condolences. So, I didn't think Mrs. Newman would have company.
Excuse me?
Oh – oh, yes. Oh, of course, of course. I didn't realize that Gary was Jewish, you see.
Uh, well no. Ah, well, you know, we were pretty close friends, spent a lot of time together – well, never on Friday nights, of course - but ah, you know, maybe I should come back another time.
Oh, she looks busy. I can wait.
Ah. I didn't realize this was a mirror, I thought that maybe you were having an unveiling later.
No, no. My, my ex-wife is, though. And, ah, so and thus my son is. Which makes me, ah, sort of... well I guess you could say... No, I'm not Jewish.
Ah. Ah well, you look very nice.
Dr. Frasier Crane. My deepest sympathies.
Yes, yes.
Well, yes. Yes, yes I did. Well I, there's so much more I wanted to know about the man. You see, ah... well oh, I don't know, ah... how was his health before he died?
History of heart disease?
High blood pressure?
High cholesterol?
Do you know what his HDL was in comparison to his LDL?
I'm sorry. I'm asking too many questions. You know how doctors are, always looking for the answers to the mysteries of life.
Yes. I'm sorry for your loss.
Oh? So Gary had a fondness for fattening desserts, did he?
Oh. Oh, so he was sedentary all week, then he was burning up the court on Sundays. Well, that can be very straining on the heart, you know...
My goodness. Has anybody checked to see if he's really dead? I'm sure they did check, those people are very thorough. Oh my, is that Krugle? Excuse me.
I'm Dr Frasier Crane, I was a friend of your husband’s.
Yes, the radio.
Well, we weren't actually friends. He had an office in my brother’s building.
Well, actually I... there's a reason I came to talk with you.
It's about Gary. About how he, er...
Look, I'm sorry I've bothered you. Ah, I really just came to offer my sympathies.
Mrs. Newman, I... I know you'd like me to come up with some grand answer to this whole thing. But I, I don't have one. There are none. Someone who consumes nothing but cigarettes and cheeseburgers all his life can live to be eighty-three, and someone who takes care of himself can die at forty-one. It's unfair. Believe me, there's no explanation for it. Believe me, I've checked. But, I suppose the best we can do is live for the little joys and surprises life affords us. You can't spend your life being obsessed with death.
No. No I'm not. Well, thank you for letting me be here today.
Yes.
If only I believed it myself.
He most certainly is not. He dined on that lovely can of bacon fat you've been hiding under the sink.
Ironic, considering its vast health benefits for humans.
Oh, that's all right, we're not having lunch until 1:15.
Really? Some sort of... charity event?
Sounds like fun. Anyway, I thought after lunch we might stop by the museum for the Goya exhibit.
Tomorrow? But the museum's closed tomorrow.
Well, with all the rarified elbows you've been rubbing lately, I'm surprised you could find the time for lunch with a commoner like me.
I have no idea what you're talking about. Step aside! Don't want her to slip it under the door!
Isn't it nice to know there are still honest people in the world?
Yes, yes. I'm afraid we'll have to be lunching at Vindaloo. I couldn't get us in at Le Toque.
Well, they swore that they were absolutely booked solid.
Oh, hi.
Yes, I sensed that when you patched through Wanda, who wanted to know what our soup of the day was.
Well, that's a compliment.
Well, if it's any comfort, Niles has been perfectly insufferable of late. This whole Maris affair has gained him some minor notoriety, he's been... flaunting it like a tattered boa. I'm trying to do the right thing and rise above it, of course, but there are times I just want to step on his feet. And hard, too.
How do you do?
Thank you.
I know.
Denise, having fun on your trip?
Now, Roz. At least she's trying. She did get you a gift, after all. And look, it's very chic and expensive, I'm sure.
All right, she's a bitch.
The nominations are in?
Roz!
Oh, my God, I'm, I'm so flattered. I hope you two will join me at my table.
Of course.
Oh look. It's Niles.
If it comes up.
Thank you, no, Kenny. Let others engage in that sort of shameless self-promotion. I'm not interested in playing that sort of game. Oh, Niles.
Oh, really. Where's he playing?
Well, speaking of glamorous parties, Niles, wait until...
Seen what?
Give me that.
Uh huh. "Dr. Niles Crane - Hot, Dr. Frasier Crane..." well, you can see where they're going with this. Well, we'll just see who's not hot when the winter/spring issue of Seattle Broadcaster comes out. For your information, Niles, I have recently...
Kenny, about that article...
Hello? Yes, well, when would be a good time for you? Oh, I've just had the greatest idea: Why don't you interview me while we're at the SeaBee Awards? Yes, it will be a freewheeling chat against a glittering backdrop. Splendid! I will see you anon.
Because I want to see him at my best, Roz. Do you realize, I'm giving the opening remarks this year? And if I do say so myself, they will change you.
Perfect! All I was lacking was the appropriate piece of arm candy to accompany me and there she is.
A neighbor of mine in the building, whose acquaintance I have recently made.
Well, I've worked my magic! That magnificent creature will be accompanying me on Saturday night!
Well... of course they're not.
Roz, who would ever plan an awards ceremony on a Saturday morning?
Oh, don't forget I'll pick you up seven-thirty, Saturday morning. Bye-bye.
I did mention that, didn't I? Oh, gosh, it seems the SeaBeas is going to be a cheery breakfast event this year. But the good news is, actually I'll be able to get you home by noon. Bye-bye.
Well, somebody better. I'm being profiled, it's going to look like I can't even scare up a date.
Cindy, where are you? Listen, this thing's about to start. Well, I'm sorry you broke your heel, but can't you just put on a different pair of shoes? Oh, your actual heel. Ouch. Well, uh, feel better.
There's a face I'm happy to see.
Not you, Roz. Listen, Denise, uh, could you do me a small favor?
You see, my date didn't show up and there's a reporter here today doing a story on me and could you pretend to be my date?
Oh, hi.
Lovely to see you, thanks for coming.
Yes, yes and this is my dad, Martin Crane. Dad, could you move over one for Randall?
And I'd like you to meet my date, the lovely and talented Denise Dawson.
So, I'm so glad you can join us on our gala morning.
No, but then the SeaBeas have always been the wayward maverick of awards shows. In fact I kind of touch on that in my opening remarks, while hewing to my original theme: Communication as the Engine of Social Progress.
What's Niles doing here?
He's doing a profile of me. A Day in the Life of Frasier Crane.
Oh, I guess it's time for me to give my opening remarks.
You just sit tight and I'll be back in twenty minutes.
Good morning. I'm Dr. Frasier Crane and it is my great honor to stand before you, my fellow luminaries and welcome you to the Seattle Broadcasting Awards. I hope to do justice to the dignity of this most august occasion.
I've been asked to inform everyone that we are running low on sausage. So if you would please limit yourselves to one link or patty. Thank you.
I'm not finished.
Oh, thank you.
This is for you, my dear.
Okay. Hurry back, love.
So, Randy, where were we?
Well, Niles, you should have powdered your nose if you planned to spend so much time in my spotlight.
Well, stop it!
Well, it's all right. I'm still up for best host.
Now, now, Denise....
No, listen, Denise...
There's no need for you to write that down.
Well it better, because this whole show has been a nightmare. Except it can't be a nightmare because it's MID-MORNING!
No, please, don't go. Listen, the show will be over very soon. They actually have a bat mitzvah booked for noon so maybe we could finish up in the lobby.
Don't you dare! You have been monopolizing that man's time all morning.
You should talk! You've been the ringmaster of your own media circus for the last week!
If you think I am jealous of your tawdry notoriety, then you don't know who I am.
You go too far!
Is he all right?
What?
Really? Nobody's ever done it before? But...I don't have anything prepared.
The SeaBeas, now are at an end We hope you've made a friend Or two...
And the SeaBeas Have great freebies, Just pick up your bag At the door to your right.
The SeaBeas, we hope your day was great, And, yes, we validate, Right there.
See Rico, Eduardo or Jen, They'll bring it round the bend, A Hyundai or a Benz The SeaBeas are through.
Oh hey, Dad.
Oh yes, I believe I will, thank you.
Everyone doesn’t sit around reading the newspaper, actually slurping from a bowl full of jelly.
I am saving that seat for someone who may not wish to have it bedewed with pig sweat.
Oh, Natalie!
Hi.
This is my father, Martin Crane. Uh, Natalie Blanc of the Seattle Tourism Board. She wants me to do a promo for her. He was just leaving.
Yes, and he’s smart as a chimp too! Off you go!
Please. It’s so lovely to finally meet you.
Have a seat. So, tell me about this promo.
“Anybody feel like taking a walk? Then come to Seattle.”
I’m “een!” You know, it’s funny, when you called me at the last minute, there was a small, madly insecure part of me that wondered if I was your second choice.
Yes, there are times when I could just squeeze him to death!
It’s called a spot, Dad.
Well, I suppose there’s no harm in a little window dressing.
Oh, knock it off. You didn’t even know that term until ten seconds ago.
Well, it went splendidly, Dad. I thought you were going with Niles to the airport to pick up Freddie.
Ah yes, that magical time of year when the Great Wall of China and my apartment are the only two man-made structures visible from space.
I must say I’m really excited about seeing Freddie this trip.
Oh gosh, everything from whale-watching to a trip to the garlic festival.
Niles, Daphne...! Where’s Frederick?
Oh, priceless! You know, just when you worried that he’s on the brink of terrible teendom, there he is, still just a little boy who wants to play in the elevator.
There he is...
Freddie, why are you dressed like this?
Listen, Freddie, I don’t understand. Um, the Goths were plunderers. Apart from your tendency to be overaggressive with your rooks at chess camp, I don’t see the connection.
I didn’t mean anything by it, I simply thought... Oh, dear God! Well, thank you Lilith, for mentioning this little development!
Well, I had shin splints at the time, so it was really more a brisk nude walk.
Thank you, Niles.
Freddie, hi. Listen, I was thinking maybe we could take in a movie tonight.
Your friend Andi from school is here?
But you just got here.
Well, doesn’t that have a familiar ring to it? The weary holiday traveler and his pregnant wife seeking kindness from a stranger...
...I’m afraid I am, yes. So...
Oh!
Oh, that’s wonderful news. Listen, I realize you’re dashing off, but do you think we could celebrate tonight over a drink?
Could you say that again?
Oh yes, I do. I just love hearing you say it.
Let me get that for you.
Yes, take care.
Yes. She’s the one I told you about. The girl with the accent.
God, she could read me the phone book, and I would melt like an overripe Camembert. Imagine what she would do with that – Camembert.
Reblochon.
We’re terrible!
Well, at least it will be nice to have something to do this evening – for a change.
Yes, they’re going to a concert this evening. And, of course, I don’t begrudge him a social life, it’s just that I feel so rejected.
You know, when one has something they’d clearly rather do than spend time with you, it just feels like...
What the hell are you doing?
Who?
How?
Yes.
Positive.
Niles!
What?
And exactly which of your connections in the Seattle demimonde is going to get you this reefer?
Oh.
Well, you’re not leaving that thing with me.
No, no, no, I refuse.
Just stop that, stop that. It is illegal. I will have nothing to do with it, for God’s sakes. What do you take me for, some kind of common drug mule?
Oh, hey Dad.
I’ll see you back at home.
Hey, Freddie. Oh, Andi. How was the mall?
Oh gosh, this must be my tourism promo! I’ll tell you what – why don’t we have a look at it?
Oh, come on, Freddie. You can spare a couple of minutes to check out your old man’s debut as a spokesman.
All right, where is that...? Here we go.
Oh, dear God!
It is not goth! It’s outrageous! It’s like some hideous Frankenstein hybrid of me and that no-talent dog!
What?
I’m sorry, Frederick, you’re not staying anywhere until I hear from her uncle first.
I’m sorry, but that is the rule.
My problem is that you’ve hardly spent one minute here since you arrived! Now you tell me you have plans all day tomorrow.
I’d like to know when you’re going to be home.
Tomorrow, okay? I’ll have her uncle call you. I never should have come here in the first place.
Freddie...
Just another joyous holiday moment with my son to be pasted into my scrapbook.
Didn’t intend to, no.
All right. What’s up?
No.
Oh, Niles! You realize that this is illegal? Did you actually drive yourself here?
I judge by all this rich terminology that you’ve done some research?
And this is all to prove a point to Dad?
You know, I’ve got to go put a jacket on for my date. Why don’t you go see if you can help Dad at the door?
Do you mind?
Oh, I see. Now you’re such a big star that the whole world has to revolve around you. Fine.
I’ll tell you what. You just gloat all you like. This is not over between us!
I know what you’re doing!
You’re sitting there thinking you’re the king! Well, you’re not!
All right, I’m off to my date. Oh, for heaven’s sake, Niles! That knife is as sharp as a machete. You should not be chopping with it in your condition. Do that for him, will you, Dad?
Dad, where are your pants?
Dad, when you were at the café today, you didn’t eat a brownie that Roz brought for Niles, did you?
For God’s sake! That was a pot brownie! You’re stoned off your ass!
Oh, knock it off, you imbecile, you’re as sober as I am!
It’s all right, Dad.
I’ll be in there in a minute to check on you.
Didn’t it occur to you that he was behaving strangely?
Oh, Niles, please, will you drop the drug lingo?
Yes well, at least you had a better night than I did. Halfway through our date, Natalie got a phone call - an emergency at home. I decided to take a little walk. Twenty minutes later I saw her in a different bar with another man.
Not unless he had an infected earlobe which required an immediate tongue-flicking. It’s been a hell of a Christmas.
Truth be told, I’m most disappointed about how things turned out with Frederick. I’ve just felt us drifting apart lately, and I was hoping that we could bond again on this trip.
You’re a good man, Niles. In a way, isn’t that rebelling against rebellion?
All right, look at it this way – you did get our cop father stoned tonight.
Yeah.
Hmm... Oh, madness!
Frederick.
What are you doing home? I thought you were spending the night at Andi’s.
Did something happen at the concert?
Are you sure? I can’t help noticing your mascara’s run a little.
Ah... another boy?
I’m sorry, son. These things happen, and... well, they always stink.
It may have. Tell you what – you know, I’ve got a box of that cereal you used to like. What do you say I pour us a bowl and I’ll tell you a story or two.
I’ll pour you a big bowl.
Well, Morrie, if you’re not cheating on your wife, and she still suspects you, then we’re obviously dealing with a trust issue.
Perhaps we should tackle these issues one at a time...
Well, perhaps what is needed here is...
Celeste, if I could interrupt for just a moment...
And neither is this conversation. Well, that's our show for today, with a brief program note. My KACL colleagues and I are competing against a team at KPXY to see who can shed the most pounds for charity. We're off to our first weigh-in right now. You can keep track of our progress on Channel 6's Coffee with Kelly. Wish us luck.
Why?
Well, it hardly seems in the spirit of the competition. The entire purpose here is to raise awareness about the obesity epidemic in this country...
I will do no such thing! It is not fair, and it is unsportsmanlike.
Oh, it was appalling, thank you. My teammates ridiculed me for not pigging out beforehand. You know what is it about teams and, and competitions that just brings out the worst in people?
There is no need to tell that story.
The sign-up sheet said "F. Hockey." I assumed it meant “freshman” hockey.
I thought it was a kilt!
Kenny, who's that last guy on their team?
So...we meet again, Wayne Shafter.
We went to high school together. He was the captain of the football team - Mr. Popularity - and my chief rival for the affections of our Swedish exchange student Giselle Johannson- Janson.
Great. We got married and had six kids. What do you think?
Wayne Shafter?
Frasier Crane.
Oh, you know, not much. Harvard, Oxford, M.D., Ph. D., and then just recently, I...
You did not make me cry. I chose to cry as a tactic to elicit sympathy and thereby regain my chess set.
I don't know. It was never found.
Hi, Kelly!
Well, that can't be, I've added a salad to every meal.
Listen. Muscle weighs more than fat, you know, and the way I've been working out lately...
Oh, shut up, Shafter, you're a cruller.
I'll tell you what, we are going to win this competition, Mister. And when we do, you will replace that chess set.
You're on, you fat scoundrel.
All right.
Walked upstairs.
Burning calories.
I've decided to rededicate myself to this diet. The opposing team is captained by my old high school nemesis, Wayne Shafter.
Thick neck, dead eyes... snapped your PBS umbrella.
For the next two weeks, I shall be a speed-walking, calorie- burning, pound-shedding machine. Daphne, didn't you purchase some sort of stomach-tightening apparatus for Dad?
Right. I'll tell you what. Bring me both of them. I'll put them together, see if I can get a real good workout going.
So... is that bird nesting in my cashmere scarf?
All right, that's it. I want that sky rat out of here.
Eddie is a pet. He doesn't get to have a pet.
People! People, STOP IT!
Now, listen, I understand that we're all a bit cranky...
We've only got one day more to go. We can't crack now when we're this close to victory! All right, everyone - take a deep breath.
Yes, Roz, cough it all up. We don't want any extra phlegm
Now, that's the team spirit! We may be dieting, but we can still nourish ourselves on some good office fellowship. Please give Gina my regards as well.
Oh, it's a good team... Good people...
Good God! Wait! It's not worth it! It's sheetcake!
Oh, come on in, Dad.
Well, we had a bit of a discipline breakdown. We've all agreed to spend the last twelve hours before the final weigh- in policing each other. It's a good thing you had dinner out. I've purged the apartment of all foodstuffs.
He passes out from time to time, but not to worry, I'm sure the next searing stomach cramp will bring him around.
There you are. You can set your watch by him. All right, everybody. I believe my bathroom has probably finished its transformation into a steam room by now. If you'll all join me, we can relax and sweat off a few extra ounces.
Another half an hour.
All right, just relax, team. Feel the steam literally melting the pounds away.
Good point. I'll just go check on him.
Kenny... what did you just eat?
You have a toothpick!
Dear God!
This ravenous madman's just eaten a live pigeon!
Stop it! Stop it! Stop this madness! Look at yourselves!
Dear God, we are hours away from victory and look at you, plucking around the floor like a clutch of crazed capons. Try to conjure up some image to give us strength. Imagine yourselves winning. Imagine yourselves in Vegas!
Okay. Everybody take off your watches, jewelry, hairpins, shoes, anything that'll add just an ounce of weight.
Oh, yeah? I'm going to be so busy playing with that new chess set you're gonna buy me that I won't even have time to put on my skirt... Not that I still have it!
Yes, I did, Shafter.
The Rook Nook. Ask for Cyril. Tell him you were sent by Dr. Frasier Crane...
PSYCH...
...iatrist.
You know, I heard the most extraordinary thing on the radio today.
No, I was referring to the fact that Maris has been released on bail.
Oh hey, Dad. Why don't you pull up a chair?
Dear God, Dad, that's my home insurance payment. I asked you to mail this three months ago.
No wonder my agent's been calling me. My policy's probably been cancelled! Yes, Jim Sunquist, please. ... Yeah, Jim, it's Frasier Crane. ... Yes, I know. I've just discovered that myself. Listen, how much to renew? ... What? Well, I'm gonna have to think that over. ... Uh, right, I'll call you. Thanks, Jim.
Scandinavian shyster! Cold-hearted, glad-handed, highway-robber, phony big-toothed smiling son of a bitch insurance man!
Not you, Jim. Love to Marie.
Damn! Now I'm going to have to pay twice as much!
Oh, Roz, have you lost your mind? I never want to see that woman again.
Oh, a friend of Roz's. We had a stunningly bad date, during which my behavior was...less than chivalrous.
Which I concede was less than chivalrous.
I suppose spending ten minutes with the woman won't kill me.
Oh, for God's sake, Jim, hang up already!
Hi, Dad. What have you got there?
Also known as quail. Think you can get a plate before you start dripping mayonnaise all over the place?
Oh, and by the way: Until this home is insured once again, there will be no more barbecuing or deep frying.
Since when do you have a hot plate?!
Yes, well, unplug everything!
Hello, Ann. Please, won't you come in? This is my father, Martin Crane.
Yes, I hope that you're being here means that you've forgiven me?
Yes, and I would've deserved one, too. Here, let me take your coat. You're going to want to look around the place before you write up the policy.
Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
Can I get you something to drink?
Ann?
Oh, dear. Well, is there a friend or a family member that we could call to come get you?
Watch it on the turns there, Doc. Precious cargo.
I hope you enjoyed your sandwich. It may end up costing me my apartment.
Oh, come on, Dad, she's an INSURANCE WOMAN. If anybody knows anything about milking money out of an injury, it's her.
I have no insurance!
That's good, that's good. But she's too dangerous to be left alone with her thoughts right now. We've got to try the personal approach. I tell you what, why don't we inviter her to spend a few days recuperating in our apartment?
Friends do not sue friends!
Ann, listen, Dad and I were just talking. We thought maybe you should just stay at our place, until you get used to your crutches.
Sure. That's what friends do.
You play the trumpet?
Dear God. Which sponge?
Well, what do you think, it's been a vacation for me? I have cooked her meals, I have massaged her feet. I have also wildly applauded her trumpet rendition of "Froggy Went A-Courtin'".
But I have won her over. There will be no discussion of a lawsuit tomorrow when I send her a-packin'.
Oh, hi, Niles.
Oh, thank you Niles.
Oh, yes, please. Thank you.
Dear God.
Continue.
Yes, uh, bumbling old man, I'm terribly sorry.
Bye-bye, Niles. Well, wait 'til you see what I've made you for dinner tonight. Your favorite: mac and cheese with sliced hot dogs.
Next month?!
Uh, aren't you afraid to leave your apartment unattended for an entire month?
No, I've been here a while. Can't bring myself to go in. Not with her in there.
She's getting better.
Oh, Roz, there's no way I'm going to get her to sign this. But I have a better plan: I've just booked passage for her and her mother on a two week cruise to Alaska. That way I'll get her out of my home, but we'll still feel like we're friends.
Thank you. Roz, I've been meaning to ask you: how did you ever become friends with Ann? I mean, she's really not your type, is she?
Oh, the tickets arrived.
Well, I'd hoped she would be.
You told her I was taking you?
Ann...
Hold that thought, while Bunny goes and pours himself a big ol' glass o' wine.
I don't know what I'm gonna do with you either.
Oh, it's nothing. Just some work stuff.
No.
No!
No, never!
I realize that you're angry now, Bunny...
All right, fine! Go ahead and sue! I am fed up with this charade! This was an accident! I have cared for you, I have waited on you, I have pumiced your heels and set your HAIR! Well, if that's not enough for you, so be it! I don't care anymore, I will not BEG! You can take me to the cleaners but you cannot take my dignity!
Oh dear God, please, no! Pleas, no, no, please! Please, please don't sue me! My...things, my beautiful, beautiful things. I love them so...
No.
You will?
Thank you, Ann. I'm sorry it had to come down to all this, this legal business. If it were up to me, I would tear up this piece of paper and forget everything that's happened here.
And, uh, here.
And...here.
So, you were the decoys. It's ingenious.
So, that's it. No more Maris.
Well, then, let's drink a toast to her. Well, just a drop left.
There we go.
We still have a few minutes left, and all our lines are open. Uh, shall I attempt another joke?
All right, then. Come on, callers, don't be shy. There's still time to talk with the good doctor. Five open lines.
Who's this, then, Roz? On line one, uh, whom do we have? I understand we have... Susan, who recently moved here from... Texas.
Go ahead, Susan, I'm listening.
I see, and why did you do that?
That couldn't have been easy for you.
Yes, I'm afraid we're out of time. I will finish with you off the air, Susan. Meanwhile, this is Dr. Frasier Crane, saying Good Day, Seattle, and Good Mental Health.
Well, thank you, Thelma. Or is it Louise?
I'm sorry, Roz, but I was desperate. You know, I really think you were closer with that character yesterday--the young teen who moved into the town that had banned dancing. Now that, that had the tang of reality.
I hate people.
In a perfect ending to a perfect day, the driver next to me swerved to avoid hitting a squirrel, running me into a pothole and drenching me in coffee. I hate squirrels, too.
My show today was a fiasco. For the second day in a row, we had virtually no callers. It's getting harder and harder to blame it on Roz.
Oh wait, there was one caller. My date for Saturday night called to cancel because I am not her type. Oh, and guess what? Her honesty was not refreshing.
Dear God, we're out of sherry. Insult... made injury.
Oh. Well, being home alone for the weekend might be just the thing for someone in my state of mind. Me... and my shadow a life.
Oh really, Dad? I was so hoping that you would say that. The last thing I wanted to do was spend the weekend here wallowing in self-pity. Leave it to you to see right through me, and toss me a lifeline.
Well, I-I don't mind them in their own milieu. Oh, gosh, I'm so looking forward to taking in some mountain air with the two of you, and isn't this fortuitous? I've just had my Tyrolean hat re-feathered.
Niles.
Brace yourself.
I've opened some wine, Niles. Help yourself.
That was me, you simp, you nearly killed me.
I had hot coffee all over my hand.
You know what, I do not wish to delve into this. I am trying to put my own miserable day behind me. To that end, Ronee and Dad are going to the mountains this weekend, and I've decided to tag along.
What are you saying?
I'm not horning in, they invited me.
Well, you don't have to dream because they didn't invite you.
Well, you know, the poor guy's going through a bad patch right now. He could use a little company. We don't have to spend any time with him.
Morning.
Perfectly. I was borne off to dreamland by the cooing of a morning dove.
Oh, no thanks, Pa. I'm fixin' to have me some vittles.
See you guys later.
Ah, Daph. You know who would have really enjoyed this trip? Niles.
Right. Something smells good. Whatcha cookin'?
Oh. Hope they're hot and spicy. That's the way I like it.
Really? How so?
You know, I can't believe there are still people who blame me for Niles's death.
What's that, dear?
I have never seen anything more beautiful in my entire life.
I-I had a rather bizarre dream.
Oh...
Well, I'm not sure you'd really want to hear about this one, Niles.
Mmm... Well, all right, uh... it took place in this very kitchen, and... I was married to Daphne and we were expecting a baby, and, uh... you were dead, and I killed you.
Indeed.
I beg your pardon?
Well, there were many other perplexing details that I left out. For instance, uh, well there was um... a wheat thresher and... some sausage patties. And Eddie was dead, too.
Well, thank you for your exhaustive analysis, Dr. Crane. Perhaps you should relocate your offices to a drive-thru so your patients could speak into a clown's nose.
You died tragically, and no one missed you!
Oh, hi, Roz.
I'm sorry. We just got back from the mountains this morning.
What?! Well, we're bound to get a call.
Oh, dear.
What?
Hello, Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. Who's our first caller, Roz?
Very amusing, Roz.
What's that sound?
Oh!
Hello! Hello, Seattle, I'm listening!
Hello! Seattle, I'm listening.
Hello! Hello, Seattle...
Hello... Hello... Hello...
Hello.... Hello.... Oh, God, I'm trying to listen...
Oh! Damn it!
Oh, you couldn't sleep either?
Well, you're entitled, eating for two.
Oh. Yes, that's right, I had Roz send you some flowers.
Oh yes. Well done. I'll have Roz send you some flowers.
Yes, indeed. How fat of you to notice.
You know, I really miss playing with Niles. He's so busy sleeping with other women.
Hi, Daph.
Had a nightmare. Couldn't get back to sleep.
Niles had a nightmare?
What about?
That's perfect. Wait a minute. How did he drop it? Was it from a height? In a crowd? Was there water involved?
Yes!
Oh, hi, Niles! I understand you had a bad dream.
Spare me, Niles, you broke the baby. Now who has the obvious dreams?
At least you two can face your fears together. Whom do I have to hug away my nighttime terrors, hmm?
I beg your pardon? That's a rather flippant comeback, when I express myself...
Well, Dad, it's this infernal mountain air. It's giving us all nightmares.
Well, Daphne dreamed that she was terminally fat, Niles that he was going to be a bad parent, and... well, at least mine arose from a real problem, the fact that I will always be alone.
Dad, we're sorry.
Ah.
Dad, please?
Would you stop it! I do not want to hear about your dirty weekend – especially since the most erotic experience I’ve had in six months was last week’s trouser fitting.
Oh, Niles.
The GAP, Niles? I didn’t know you shopped there.
And what did you get there?
That’s Pottery Barn, you jackass! Give me that!
Just as I thought. You bought the Diego sweater.
It is not “just a sweater,” it is a work of art by Spain’s fabled master weaver Diego – who uses only the soft chin hairs of Andalusian mountain goats. Our sweater man could only get one this year. Niles and I made a pact that neither of us would buy it. You can’t even keep a simple sweater pact!
Stop that! The least you can do is let me borrow it sometime.
Just go!
Actually, I married her.
Yeah well, briefly. It was years ago. I was a callow, dreamy-eyed youth, and she was...
Well, all right, all right, I’ll see what I can do.
Oh, Niles has a sweater.
Oh, gosh... we were so young and immature. We had huge fights over nothing. But in the bedroom...
Sorry.
Oh, big hugs.
We used to hug our brains out. In fact, you know, the last time we saw each other she wanted to have a little reunion hug, but alas, I was still married to Lilith and settling for my weekly handshake.
Mmm? Well, the thought had crossed my mind. You know, we used to have this wild attraction to each other – it was almost combustible! Truth be told, it’s been a while since, I, uh... romped with abandon through the perfumed gardens of Eros.
Frasier. F-R-A-
Nanette, hi.
Oh, this isn’t Lilith. This is my co-worker, Roz, and her daughter, Alice.
I’m divorced now.
Single again.
Footloose, fancy-free...!
All right. You know, Nanette, Alice was so hoping to see your show. But alas, all the tickets are sold.
One more time!
Oh hi, you guys. I’m glad you’re both here. Guess who’s coming by for a drink – Nanette Gooseman.
Oh, dear God, Dad, will you let it go?
Well, actually, Niles, I’m planning a bit of an intimate evening myself.
She wants me!
She hit on me in the children’s bookstore – where I bought her CD. Trust me, the woman is a sexual volcano just waiting to erupt!
That’ll be Nanette!
Nanette!
Here, let me take your wrap.
Nanette, you remember my dad, of course, and Niles, and this is his wife, Daphne.
Yes, okay, Dad.
It’s all right. You know, sadly, this bunch is going out this evening, so it’ll be just the two of us.
Donald?
Frasier Crane, uh...
Well, uh... gosh, who wants wine? I know I do!
And just when were you planning on telling me you have a husband?
Well, at the moment it’s not!
Stop-stop it, stop it! Donald will see us.
I’m not going to send him on an errand. He’s your husband!
Well, we are running low on cornichons...
Dear God! Have we lost our minds?
You have a wonderful career.
But... you’ve brought joy to countless small children.
Who wants wine?
Yes, well, uh... here we all are.
Cut that out!
Nor I you, but this is wrong.
Well, you’re making great strides overcoming it.
Yes, and three guesses which one. I-I... I can’t do it.
Trust me, an hour’s more than ample.
Donald, you know, you really must try one of these Gruyere tarts.
Niles-
Relax, relax, nothing happened. My problem now is that she’s invited me to her dressing room for an... après-show tryst.
Well...
Niles, if you had any idea how much pain she’s in. The woman is reaching out to me to rescue her from a loveless marriage, from-from a career she feels trapped in. If I could help her make a new beginning, wouldn’t it be heartless of me to deny myself to her?
All right! I want her and she wants me!
Well, I married her first! “Till death us do part,” as I recall! Now you may not take those vows seriously, but I do.
Oh, this is more than just sex, Niles! This is passion, kismet! A gift the gods bestow on only a chosen few. Wouldn’t the real sin be to refuse it?
Well, maybe it is, but I haven’t had “pie” in six months!
No... no hugs for Frasier.
No, I can’t.
No, no. I can’t do this at all.
God knows I’m tempted, but this is wrong. I-I’m sorry you’ve been so unhappy in your life lately, but... if you want to talk, we can meet later, at the coffee shop next door.
Don’t you have a show to do?
What is this place?
I can’t. You’re married. And these shoes are suede. Look, I-I realize that you’re at a crossroads right now, and if I can help you reach a decision...
Then don’t. Make a break, redefine yourself-
What? Cancel?
Oh, Nanette, I... I realize that you’re upset, but-but think of little Alice, and-and the children.
But, Nanette...
For the children!
Yes! Yes!
Are you kidding? I dreamed of it twice last night!
Already?
Oh, dear God! Why is the ceiling opening up?!
I can’t, I can’t! I’m tangled in the sheets!
Jump? It’s too high!
Dear God, my clothes!
Can’t I just hide here until the show’s over?
Psst! Panda!
Dr. Frasier Crane, a noted psychiatrist. When does the bed go back to the basement?
You have got to get me out of here. The thing’s about to fly up to the rafters!
You can’t be serious!
That is not funny! You don't sneak up on someone and startle them!
I do not scream like a woman. It was a manly throaty wail.
That was me! I was innocently conducting some Brahms and our madcap father decided to startle me.
Yes, and I remember I couldn't kiss a woman in a car until I was thirty.
Want me to scream again?
Add a monocle and you're Mr. Peanut.
Yes, I have a patient who suffers from it.
It's a very rare disorder: a crippling fear of clowns. Yes, I'm treating a pediatric nurse who's terrified every time one comes to visit the children at her hospital. It's almost cost her her job.
Yes, although we're making great progress, though. Some rather ground-breaking techniques I've devised. I think we're close to a cure.
Yes. I wouldn't be surprised if this may turn out to be my clowning achievement.
Vastly.
Well, I'll go check on dinner.
I remember your mom. She used to chaperone our dances, right?
It must have been a very windy day when the apple fell from that tree.
You're doing fine, Mimi, there's nothing to be afraid of.
Just a tiny inanimate piece of plastic. It couldn't possibly hurt you.
You're doing great.
Much better.
Yes, yes. You're still in the room, you didn't throw up. It's a big improvement. All right now, give me your hand. Here's the tiny little hat.
And the big red nose.
Now, Mimi, is there anything you'd like to say to our little clown friend?
No! No, Mimi.
Excellent, Mimi. All right then. Now, tomorrow we will take our biggest step yet.
No, you are ready. You are. In the safety of this environment, you will watch me transform myself into a real live clown. I will apply the make up, and then I'll put on the clown suit and the big funny shoes. And, time permitting, I will make animal balloons.
As long as you don't ask for anything too complicated, like a giraffe.
Well, our time is up. All right then, Mimi, I will see you tomorrow.
Rest assured, I will talk you through every step of the way. There's nothing to be afraid of. There will be no surprises.
I'm so, so sorry. Yes, here. There he goes.
I will see you later, then.
Again, I am so sorry. Little fella really is full mischief, isn't he?
Yes! Of course I am! Anyway, I will see you tomorrow. Double session.
What is the matter with you?!
You know, I'm glad your little girlfriend is making you feel young again, but you're acting like an irresponsible adolescent.
Mimicking me now!
Stop it! Did you specifically come down here to torture me?
Yes, as do I, unfortunately. Now off you go.
Well forgive me if I prefer humor of a more elevated level. I tell you what, I might actually enjoy one of your japes someday if you could come up with something with a bit more wit and sophistication.
Hello? Yes, well I'm afraid my calendar is rather booked right now. All right, I suppose I could try to squeeze you in somewhere. And your last name, please? Rection. That's unusual. And your first name? ...That's not funny either, Dad.
Oh, hello, Roz.
Thanks for bringing that over.
Oh, yes, that was around the time of the SeaBee Awards. I remember now, you were rather comically made up that night.
Very funny, Dad. Roz, do you think it's funny when somebody sneaks up behind you and jolts you out of your skin?
Yes, all right. Good night, Roz.
I thought you were having dinner with Niles.
It's about ten years too late for that.
Dad, I'm gonna go out for a while. See you later.
Ah, you're right, Dad, that's hilarious. Not such a fuddy-duddy now, am I?
Oh, that's quite a comeback, Dad, a heart attack. Come on, get up.
Dad? Dad, you can get up now. Dad!
Niles.
Well, he's resting, he's stable. His color is good.
Well, they're running some tests right now. The doctor should be out in a minute.
Well, there's... so many factors in a case like this, Niles. It's impossible to pinpoint any one cause in particular.
Well... Oh, all right. You remember my patient with the clown phobia?
Oh, Niles, I feel just terrible about this.
Yes, well, no point in trying to assign blame at a time like this, Niles. We must remember that.
Well, I'm sure you would've done the same thing if you were in my shoes, Niles. Well, not these shoes, of course.
Oh, Roz, hi.
Thank you.
Uh, yes, I did.
Yes, that's right, it's all there, off you go.
It was a joke!
Yes, well it was only meant as a playful little jolt.
Oh, yes.
And what does that mean, exactly?
What a relief! He's going to be okay!
That's makeup, you idiot! May I remind you all that this was an accident?
It was meant as a harmless amusement. I will not stand here and be demonized for this. I am not a monster!
Okay, Dad, now just take it easy.
All right, Dad.
Right. Oh, and Dad, you really should take a look at this list the hospital sent home with us. Now, the foods that have a little picture of a, a smiling heart next to them are good for you.
Not a heart attack, Dad, a, a cardiac event. You know, maybe we can look on this as a sign that you should begin a healthier lifestyle. Perhaps one day we'll look back on this and you'll thank me for it.
Cardiac event!
No, Dad, here. I'll take this to your room for you. Why don't you just sit down and rest?
What?
Dad, you had a heart attack!
Dad, are you afraid she'll start seeing you differently?
Do you really want to keep such an enormous secret from her?
Shut up, ya nit!
And how are you going to explain the fact that you can't eat ribs tonight? Or the new medication that you're on? Or the fact that you can't have sex for the next two weeks?
It's on the list!
Dad, listen, uh, if she's not able to handle something like this, isn't it better if you know now?
Niles, help me put this stuff away, will you? Good seeing you again, Ronee.
Sorry?
Keep laughing and you're gonna have a man problem.
Maybe she might surprise us.
Yeah, on occasion.
No, the car's packed. We're leaving. God, what pains we were. Didn't want to get our hands dirty, didn't want to go fishing, didn't want to sleep on the ground. But he kept taking us, year after year, just so he could spend time with us.
You know, no matter how frightened I got, as soon as Dad started laughing again I knew that everything was safe. You know, I'm not ready to lose him, Niles.
You know, eleven years ago when he moved in here, I couldn't imagine a bigger infringement on my life. Now, I can't imagine my life without him.
Oh, I'd get rid of that chair immediately.
Oh, maybe Dad's right. I am getting stuck in my ways. I like the way things are, I don't want them to change.
Oh, Niles! Thank God you've come quickly. I've been going mad.
Yes, yes, you missed out on buying a Tickle Me Tolstoy doll. Niles, my problem is more important than that. You see, I've... oh, dear God. Niles, I've committed a crime!
By God, man, it's a real crime! Punishable by law!
Of the United States of America.
I'll tell you. But before you judge me, Niles, please, remember how much stress I've been under lately.
All right. It was a dark and stormy day...
All right. It was an average day, marred only by a persistent cough caused by a barista's over-nutmegging my machiatto.
Go ahead, Babette, what can I do for you?
Such as?
I see, um... Go on.
Well, it sound to me like you have a classic case of klepto... klepto...
Yes, and may I add...
Oh, well then, this is Dr. Frasier Crane saying "Good day, Seattle," and "Good mental health."
Well... ...I'm fine, Roz, thank you. Thank you so much. Your advice was spot on.
I didn't realize my advice had become so predictable.
They're not the same problems. What about that--that caller last week, the sleepwalking transvestite who kept breaking off his heels in sewer grates?
Yes, I also told him to wear flats. Oh, oh, did maintenance remember to bring me that hammer I asked for?
Some imbecile's been parking in my spot despite several strongly worded notes I have left on his windshield. The time has come for me to take matters into my own hands.
It was nothing like that!
My "Reserved" sign was a-dangle. I used the hammer to tack it back on.
So all those notes that I left... must have... blown away. Uh, I'm Dr. Frasier Crane.
So you know my show?
Oh, no, no it's perfectly understandable, and now that I know that this is your Audi, let me be the first to say "Audi, neighbor!"
That would have been preferable.
You know, perhaps in the spirit of détente, I could, uh, buy you some coffee?
Oh, well, perhaps tomorrow?
Next week, perhaps?
You know, I'm-I'm not sure if we're having a devil of a time coordinating our schedules or you're just giving me a polite brush-off.
OK, now I'm sure.
My morning's travails aside, Niles, you'll be happy to know I didn't strike out with every woman I encountered today.
How are you, Mrs. Magrini?
Opal, then. Lovely to see you again.
Yes, it's just awful.
Yes, it's quite a storm.
Yes, that's quite apt.
Like a helpless turtle?
Well, uh, let me just get out of these wet shoes, and I'll be right over.
Yes, we're reviving a lost art.
Yes, it's raining. I've just gone over that with Mrs. Magrini.
What, is that the camera I gave you ten years ago? I can't believe you've never used it before.
I am coming to my point!
Hardly the same, I've had it relined.
I don't mind telling you, Niles. What happened next was particularly galling.
Oh, please, that's not how it happened at all!
Tawny LaRue, I presume.
I did no such thing, you nit! And I am telling this story!
All right, I'm getting to it! Now you'll recall, I promised to change my neighbor's light bulb.
I was just admiring your bust.
It might look nice a little higher.
Yes, it's lucky you ran into me in the hall.
Yes, "old Frasier" gets the idea.
How marvelous you're still dating.
I thought I'd stay in with a good book.
That's when I snapped!
No, you insane twit!
I suddenly flashed on my caller, Babette. Before I knew what I was doing, I impulsively pocketed something that belonged to her.
I stole, Niles! Like some craven thief. And I've never felt more alive!
You can't imagine the thrill I felt as I sat there sipping her inferior tea and eating her excellent cookies, all the while fingering the stolen object in my pocket.
And then how coolly I walked out, scot-free, the old bird none the wiser.
Some sort of decorative medallion.
Any Caribbean-trained Psych student could tell me that!
Because I am plagued by guilt. I have to return this box before it's discovered missing.
I need your help, Niles. I have her key. I know she's out. We can put this back and be done with it.
Please! I can't trust myself to be alone. I am caught in the grip of this mania! Who knows what I might steal next?
Oh, really?
That's right! I took it, and I liked it! Please, please, Niles!
Fine, I'll do it myself. Here, hold this for me.
Now your prints are on it, too. You have to help me!
Admit it, Niles. It's intoxicating, isn't it? Don't you feel the tingle running down your spine?
I've become a danger junkie. A cunning cat burglar with nerves of steel.
Hide! Hide! Here, here, take this box!
Put it...
I'm Dr. Frasier Crane, the next door neighbor, uh, and this is my brother Niles, uh, we just wanted to say Happy Birthday, Opal!
Uh, well, the news of this birthday has been just buzzing through the building. We wouldn't miss an opportunity to honor this wonderful lady.
We slipped in as the door was closing.
Oh, well, we really can't stay.
Oh...
Oh.
Oh.
Well...
Yes, yes, in a minute, Niles. Actually, I don't really think myself as a star so much as a healer. The important thing is to listen...
Yes, not now, Niles.
Yes, I heard that. Oh, dear. Uh, excuse me just a moment.
You have got to get that medal out of your coat.
I'm a celebrity. They're watching my every move. Go on.
Oh!
We have got to get that medal up there!
You're right. Bad plan. You've got to get it up there. All right, top shelf, right of the sconce. You know, before we take the picture, I have a little story I'd like to tell that just may rival that Hitler tale.
The place...was right here. The time...was this afternoon. Opal had just set out a lovely service of tea and a plate sweets. I remember there were three cookies sitting on the plate, and I reached for... the LEFT one. Not the CENTER one, the LEFT one, and just at the same moment, Opal reached for the very same cookie, and, oh, what did you say? Oh, it was priceless.
Hah! Right off the top of her head.
Uh, I can tell from the panic in my brother's voice that he must have seen a spider. You see, he has a crippling fear of spiders, and it sent him up the ladder.
No!
Because he also has a crippling fear of heights. This may be just the breakthrough we've been looking for. Higher, Niles! Conquer your fear!
Please, everyone, I'm going to have to ask you to turn around, as his fear of crowds has set in.
Yes, you are looking at that rarest of beasts, the arachno-acro- agoraphobe. Please, avert your eyes.
This is the most difficult part of the process. I am using a technique known as behavioral exposure therapy. Climb higher, Niles. Ever higher, conquer your fear!
No, please, no peeking! You don't want to cause a setback.
Everybody freeze! This is the moment of truth. I haven't done this since my days in med school.
Hurrah! He's done it! He's conquered all three!
Well, you as an athlete should know the time-honored tradition of hoisting the victor on one's shoulders.
Well, you finished third, didn't you? Now if you'll excuse me. I've got to journal all this while it's still fresh. Good night, everyone!
Oh! Good Lord, I should have dipped. I tell you...
So sorry.
Oh, hey, Dad, I didn't know you guys were here. Where's Ronee?
No, Dad, I'll pass.
Yeah.
What?
I'm very happy for you and Ronee.
Maybe you're right.
Good night, Dad.
Good night, Dad.
Why, yes it is.
Well, actually, I have an office one floor down.
Yes.
Oh well, why don’t I ride up with you? I could use the exercise.
Bye-bye.
It’s funny for you, delightful for me. It’s always nice to meet a fan, especially one so attractive.
Yes, of course I remember you! It’s you. Hey, you.
...Jennifer.
Ellie! Oh well, here’s your floor. Nice catching up with you.
I’m so sorry. Sorry...
Sorry! Again, so sorry.
So I gave her the money and I filled out the questionnaire.
No, of course not. Why would I?
Well, gosh. She’s already sent me out on a date this evening. But I assure you, I am more interested in personality than looks.
Well, of course I saw a photo. She’s got a personality you can bounce a quarter off of.
Claret - I intend to take all subsequent dates there as well. That way I can compare them objectively, you see. As the woman will be the only variable. It’s basic science!
Oh, yes. Your doula.
Oh, peanut butter and carrots. Looks like somebody has pregnancy cravings.
Oh dear, Niles – Couvade Syndrome?
Yes, well... I have a date. I’ve signed up with a matchmaking service.
Well, I could say the same thing about you and your doula.
So does mine.
As is mine.
Mine charges 10,000!
Thank you, Niles. Wish me luck!
Here we are.
There’s something wonderful about first dates, isn’t there? Oh, thank you very much. That tingle of anticipation as two perfect strangers march toward endless vistas of possibility.
Oh well, thank you.
And what do you do?
Ah, serendipity. I’m a science man myself. I suppose that’s why Charlotte got the two of us together. Well then, what’s your field?
Oh well, I find that... excuse me?
Well, you know, I-I realize that Darwin had his detractors, but to call it nonsense seems a bit cavalier, don’t you think?
Well, not recently, no.
Would you like a drink?
That’s, uh, very amusing. So what do you do for a living?
No. I was just, uh, admiring your ensemble.
Don’t go to any trouble. Would you like some wine?
Something like that.
Well, I’m off.
Well, she better get here quickly – I do have a date.
Yeah.
Oh, hardly. A monkey throwing darts at the Seattle phone book would find me a better mate. Hell, a dart- throwing monkey would be a better mate.
Don’t think I haven’t considered it. If tonight’s a bust, I’m going to demand my money back.
Niles, have you gained weight?
In that case, get off my Chanel couch before your water breaks.
Oh, hello. I’m Dr. Frasier Crane.
Oh. Well, I’m sorry, I can’t stay. Niles and Daphne you know of course, and this is my dad. Martin Crane, Ms. Finkleman- Delighted.
Damn.
Oh, no, just a little preoccupied.
I was actually gonna tell you before you said that.
Well, there's this woman I can't seem to get off of my mind. A woman with a boyfriend.
You are nothing like my mother.
Who?
Stop that!
What, she doesn't approve of pre-marital sex?
Oh, that's crazy.
Oh, Mrs. Lawrence, how lovely to see you again. Ronee should be here any minute.
Yes, there's no problem.
No, not at all.
I wouldn't think of it.
Yes, yes of course. Where are my manners?
Oh, let me take your coat.
I'll get it!
Wait! It's pouring rain outside.
Why, look who's here. It's Ronee.
Hey, you two.
Well, all right. Where are we going? Chez Paul? Kobu?
Dear God, you're serious.
And which one would that be? E. coli?
You've changed, Niles.
Thanks, Niles, but, you know, I think I'll pass. Spend a night in, curled up with a good book. I didn't get much sleep last night.
I'm, I'm not really sure. I can't stop thinking about this woman I've met. It's my matchmaker, of all people.
Well, I was, and then we had dinner together last night. And, God, we were so comfortable with each other, it's like we've known each other for ages.
Oh, I can't. She's got a boyfriend. And, truth be told, I'm not sure why I'm so obsessed with her, I barely even know her. Niles, listen, is it possible that this is just a case of transference?
Yes, precisely! Now, how many times has a patient fallen for you?
Oh, don't be such a baby. This is not a competition.
Thirteen. You know, this is really a weight of my shoulders. It's just simple transference. Thank you, Niles.
Too late, Niles, off you go.
Well, that's a relief.
All right, what am I supposed to do?
Oh, I don't know. Some kind of environmental activist.
Well, uh, thanks but, you know, I haven't had much luck with the women of the Parks Department.
Wow, Roz, did you feel that? The entire room changed when we walked in. It's like animals in the wild sensing a predator had arrived.
No, I was talking about you.
Okay. What name should I use?
Right, faint heart never won fair...
Right. Barkeep, uh, that one's on me. If you don't mind.
What do I do now?
Uh, hi. I'm Dr. Frasier Crane.
Yes, I am. I have a small practice here in town and...
No, I'm not that kind of doctor. I'm a psychiatrist.
Oh, no. I haven't even got you on the couch yet.
Oh, I'm sorry. That was too aggressive.
Well, you look awfully healthy to me.
Dear God, too aggressive again? I'm so sorry.
You know, it's kind of funny. I'm actually trying to get over someone myself, in a manner of speaking.
Well, she may have been. I'm just trying to put her out of my mind, right now. I must say, you're proving to be a delightful distraction.
Okay. Uh, well, thank you, I enjoyed our time together.
No, I understand completely. I take no offence.
Oh, yes, yes indeed. Well, should we go together to my place or...? Well, you must have your own car so I could give you directions or, well, we could drive together and then I could drive you back here or we could drive together and then you could get a cab back here...
It's unlocked.
Oh, dear God.
What the hell are you two doing here?
On the end of a coroner's artery scraper! What the hell has happened to you? You've devoted your whole life to developing your standards, only to succumb to the fast, the cheap and the tasty.
Uh, Kim, this is my brother Niles and his wife Daphne. They were just leaving.
Yes, good night!
Yes. Would you like the tour?
I don't know. Uh, what do you want to see?
Whatever you came here to see.
Is there and end to this? Because I'm starting to feel redundant on my part.
You are delightfully single-minded. Would you care for some wine?
I like the sound of that.
The littler it is, the more I like it!
I tell you what, if you'd like to, you can change right in here.
And, maybe I'll whip up a little surprise of my own.
You know what bad boys need, don't you?
That, or a good tongue-lashing.
I thought you were out for the evening. For God's sake...
This is horrible. I'm so sorry. I met, uh...
Kim at a bar earlier this evening, and obviously we hit it off.
Oh, get out!
I would say "Perhaps another time," but that outfit goes a long way towards recapturing the mood.
Oh, good heavens!
Uh, Kim, I'm terribly sorry about this. I'm afraid it's just not going to work out for us tonight.
Yeah. Uh, listen, this has nothing to do with you, you know. I've had a lovely time this evening.
Charlotte, I hope you won't think this is too forward of me, but, a promising relationship doesn't come along very often and when it does, it's worth sticking your neck out for. What I'm saying is...
For heaven's sake!
Sorry, no.
No.
She doesn't want me, she wants somebody else. I don't have a chance.
Yeah.
Well, that's a good question: What am I gonna do? I suppose I could pine over her for the next several weeks, make myself more miserable every day. Or I could do the sensible thing and just let her go. Excuse me.
Hi, Charlotte, it's Frasier. About coffee on Monday? Let's just forget that. How 'bout lunch instead?
Well, I'd like to take this opportunity to wish you The very, very best of holidays. Like many of you, I'll be spending the time in the loving embrace of my family - which should give us all plenty to talk about in the new year. Meanwhile, this is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL 780, Talk Radio.
It's for Roz.
It's a gag. We agreed not to exchange gifts.
No.
I am touched, and I don't care.
Listen Bulldog, my son Frederick is flying in tomorrow afternoon to spend the holidays with me. Now, I've never looked so forward to a Christmas since I was... well, your size.
Well, ah, I don't actually know her, but she does the auto show, right?
Well, that sounds like a good tradition, I'd be delighted to drive her home.
Roz, would you mind telling me why everyone breaks into hysterics whenever I say I'm driving Bonnie Weems home... Oh, what is that?!
Is that all? Oh, I'm a big boy, I can take care of myself.
Now, listen Roz, Roz, now I know we promised not to, but I couldn't help it. I was out shopping, and...
Oh no, really?
Oh Roz, you shouldn't have. This is just...
Oh, Roz. Roz, you really shouldn't have.
Oh, no-no-no. Maybe, you know, maybe you should just think about, ah... keeping it under the tree.
Yeah.
Ah, that's what I was going for, yes.
Okay. Merry Christmas.
Yes?
Well, hello. It's a, uh, a pleasure to meet you. I'll be driving you home tonight.
Oh, it's no problem at all. Tell you what, you just go, enjoy the party, you let me know when you're ready to go.
Oh, hello Niles. Merry Christmas. To what do I owe this occasion?
Daphne.
I think Niles has all the information he needs, thank you.
Give or take a foot.
Well, after the Christmas party I poured a colleague into a cab, said a quick prayer for the driver, dislodged the wedgie of a lifetime, then went on to do a little bit of last minute shopping. Niles, some sherry?
You know, Santa is going to be very, very good to Frederick This year.
I already told him no. How long will that man nag me? Dad, what are you doing with that?
But it's plastic.
Oh, lord. Now, listen Bulldog, I already told you... Oh. Hello, Lilith. Well, you know, maybe, ah, I should take this in the bedroom.
Well, Merry Christmas, everybody! Lilith isn't sending Frederick!
Well, apparently he has this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for an incredible Christmas. A friend of hers has rented a home in Austria.
Well, apparently it's the same house that they filmed “The Sound Of Music” in, and that happens to be Freddie's favorite movie. Well, Julie Andrews is singing with the Salzburg Choral, they're having dinner with her afterwards, and some nonsense about a horse-driven sleigh ride through the snow, and a toboggan, and a balloon trip through the Alps, and apparently on their way back they're gonna spend an entire day at Euro-Disneyland!
Well, of course I have to let him go. Thank you for pointing out that you know what's right.
Oh, how would I ever live without you?
Oh, dad, you know what, I don't want to use those lights this year. I picked up these just yesterday.
Well, yes, they're very fashionable.
Well, for that matter, neither are scotch pines or snow ornaments. For God's sakes, if you want to be technical, Bethlehem was in the desert.
I don't need your sarcasm.
Dad, dad. This is my house, these are my decorations, just once, could I have just one thing I wanted this Christmas?
Oh fine. Now you're the psychiatrist?
All right, I won't anymore!
Oh, we won't! Because I'm not going to the cabin!
I'm staying right here.
I've decided to fill in for Bulldog! At least somebody will have a Merry Christmas!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
Oh, Roz... I didn’t realize when I volunteered to work on Christmas that I would ruin your plans for the day, I... please don't be mad.
Roz, try to see this thing from my position. I, I couldn't see my son, I had a terrible fight with my father, I was facing a horrible Christmas, and then I thought, you know, maybe if by trying to help other people through their troubles it might get me through mine, and I think if we really try hard, we can maybe have the best Christmas we've ever had. What do you say?
Oh, I need a hug, just to prove that we're still friends.
Come on.
Come to papa.
Merry Christmas, Seattle! Yes, this is Dr. Frasier Crane coming to you on Christmas Day. Christmas, that very magical time of the year, when each moment is as unique as a snowflake, never to be recreated.
Merry Christmas, Seattle...!
Well, as we head into our second hour, I'd like to lighten things up a bit. Although, Ned, we were certainly glad to hear from you, and how you got mugged on your way home from the soup kitchen. Roz, who's next?
It's about time! Hello, Don.
Well then, swaddle me in Christmas cheer.
So your experience of the Christmas spirit would be that you didn't slam the car into reverse, speed back there, and rip a pair of smelly old sneakers out of a homeless man's hand? Well Roz, this is special, I think we've got Santa Claus himself on the line!
Barry, I've got to put you on hold for a bit, while you pull yourself together, but please, please stay on the line, I'd really like to help you.
Gladys, Gladys? Ah, listen, can I put you on hold for a second? There's somebody else I have to check on. How's it going there, Barry?
My sentiments exactly.
Okay, Tom. You win the prize for the saddest Christmas story we've heard today. Happy holidays.
Roz? Roz! Oh, have you been crying, Roz?
Ooh... oh, listen, why don't you just go home, honey? I can take over for the next two hours.
Oh, sure I can! Why don't you go home, be with your mom?
I don't think that's possible.
I mean it.
I know I will.
Hi, we're back. Well, you know what? I, I realize it's been a pretty tough day out there for most of you, and uh, I'd like to hear now from someone who's having a GOOD Christmas. Um, you know, someone who's learned a way to beat the holiday blues. Well, let's take our first call here. Hello, you're on the air.
Hello, Jeff! Well, Merry Christmas!
Jeff, are you a betting man?
Well, we're just about out of time. My, my, this day has flown by. I'd like to wish all of you revelers out there a Merry Christmas, and for the rest of you, why don't you go out and treat yourself to something special? Personally, I'm going to go get myself a meal at one of Seattle's fine eateries. I don't know where, but I promise you one thing: it'll have a liquor license. Just kidding. Don't drink and drive. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL 780, Talk Radio.
Niles, Niles...
Niles, would you be terrible offended if I asked you just not to not talk about it and sit quietly?
Shhh, shhh, please, I do not have time for your folderol today. I am meeting Charlotte for lunch and I'm planning my strategy on how to win her over.
Yes, Frank.
I'm merely going to present myself as the anti-Frank.
No.
Very funny.
Niles!
Sometimes it is!
You know what THAT means, don't you? They had a long night of acrobatic make-up sex.
Niles.
Keep an eye out for her, will you?
Research.
Yes, all is fair in love and war. That's interesting. An anthology of Irish plays. Perfect!
Nothing. But not for long. There's one area where no man has ever bested me, Niles: homework!
And the wine?
Right. And the roses?
You forgot them, didn't you?
For God's sake, Georges. All right, send a busboy out to pick some wild flowers, please.
Yes, well now we are trois. Thank you, Georges, could you bring us another glass, please.
Just two menus, Georges. This fellow is only staying for a drink.
Oh, terrific.
Oh, hey, Roz. What are you doing here?
Oh, gosh, well unfortunately I have a date.
Oh, yes, your convict friend. Do you think that's wise?
Yes, and a felon now knows where you live.
You...?!
Yes, yes, actually Charlotte and I have been out three times this week. We've been wine tasting, beach-combing, and we actually shared a blanket in a horse-drawn carriage.
Oh, no, he was there, too.
Well, it's not exactly how I wanted, but the more time I spend with them, the less time they spend alone together.
Frank? No. In fact, he's quite taken with me. It doesn't even occur to him that I might be a rival. Galling, yes, but it does give me more time to work my magic on Charlotte.
In another week, you can kiss Frank goodbye.
What it is.
Hmm... “The Perfect Storm” or “When Harry Met Sally.” I guess I'm going to have to go for “When Harry Met Sally.”
Hey, Daphne, Niles. Listen, the opera tickets are right there by the phone. Wish I could use them myself.
Yes, that's very droll. Frank injured himself on our hike, so I've got Charlotte all to myself this evening. I'm not going to waste this opportunity. I'm going to make her a romantic dinner and then tell her how I feel about her.
Well, I don't know, but I can't stand this ridiculous threesome anymore. You know, the worst part is how completely unthreatening Frank finds me. As if I'm some sort of a harem eunuch.
Well, he strained his back carrying me over a brook.
Well, I didn't ask the man to carry me! He simply hoisted me over his shoulder before I could stop him. That's not something you get used to, no matter how many times it happens.
Thanks, Dad. Wish me luck. I'm making her beef bourguignon from a new recipe.
Well, then.
Good morning.
Yes, I did.
Can I get my usual, please?
Well, actually... no, I'd better not. Don't want to jinx it.
Besides, the mark of a-a true gentleman is discretion.
Charlotte and I spent the night together.
Dumped him, thank you.
Yes, I know. It's funny I should end up with my own matchmaker, isn't it?
Yes, well, it didn't have to quit, it was fired.
Thank you very much. Now, you were saying something about my dad's bachelor party?
Oh, yes.
Really? Would I be familiar with her work?
Really, well, I'm afraid I can't do it right now. I'm meeting Charlotte for coffee, uh-
Hello, uh, how do you do, Miss Licious? Uh, I'm terribly sorry, but I've got something scheduled, so I'll have to postpone our interview. Perhaps we could meet this evening at my place, around 7:00? I live at the Elliot Bay Towers.
Well, I'll see you then. Good.
Oh, hi! Listen, I... gosh, I'm sorry I had to dash off this morning.
Oh, I thought we were having coffee.
Oh, no, it's all right. I'm sure you'll be wonderful.
Wait, maybe I could just drive you to the station.
No, no, I'd like to. Besides, I've always been a sucker for that romantic movie-ending goodbye - a fog-shrouded train platform, a-a passionate kiss.
Yes, well, maybe I am, but there are damn few of us left.
Oh!
So, I could make us a reservation for dinner on Sunday. I would suggest Cucina...
Charlotte... you seem a little distracted. Is there something on your mind? Charlotte?
Oh, boy.
Please. I can't wait till Sunday. My imagination will torture me.
Three weeks?!
I had to blab to Roz.
Nothing. Are you sure?
Well, let's look on the bright side. I mean, Chicago isn't that far away.
Okay. But, you know, we still have three weeks.
I'd say it was foolish to take the plunge and bring up feelings that must be dashed, and so forth. But what do I know? I'm not infallible.
All right.
Oh, I'm sorry. My hand slipped.
Oh, dear. All right, look, the next station isn't too far. I'll bet I can beat the train.
Well. Round two to Amtrak. I could drive us to the next station?
Point taken.
Oh, it's all right. Didn't have anything else to do. Oh, dear. I've got to make a call. Could you hold the wheel, please?
I just got this. It's a... it's a hands-free unit. It's, uh, much, uh, much, much safer.
Niles.
Listen, you remember that idea we proposed about Dad's party?
The, uh, the entertainer. Oh.
No, no, the stripper.
Uh, well, I found one!
Niles, I'm supposed to interview her this evening at 7:30 at my place. I can't make it. Something came up. You'll have to do it for me.
Niles, if you're worried about Dad being there, he's got a date with Ronee tonight.
Listen, Niles, I-I know that you get nervous around fan dancers and their ilk, but you have got to conquer your fear...
Thank you! I'll talk to you later. Goodbye.
What, I'm sorry?
What? What?
Oh, dear, uh, you know, perhaps it would be best if you just said left or right. It's not like there's a compass in the car.
Oh, well, I'll be damned.
Oh, that. Uh, that's nothing to worry about. It's been on for months. I think there's something wrong with the bulb.
Not a clue. I opened the hood as a mere formality.
We're terribly sorry to bother you, but, uh, our car has broken down.
Thank you! Thank you very much. We certainly appreciate that.
Yes, yes, indeed.
And I'm Frasier.
Gosh, you seem to be preparing for some sort of party.
Yes, nice to meet you...
Oh. So, uh, how's our car? Can we just scoot right away from here?
Well, we were just, uh, driving along the highway, and then suddenly the engine just died.
We couldn't.
Yes, that's right, together.
Oh yes, yes.
Yes, married.
Yes. Well, uh, Harbin was just giving me a tour of my engine.
Yes, well, you know, I'm so hopeless with cars. I know I would just misdiagnose it.
Yes, it-it is. That's because this is the hand that I fell in love with. A hand too... too perfect for, uh... the profanity of gold or-or platinum. After all, what diamond could possibly rival the sparkle in those eyes?
We... had no idea.
You know, we're a bit tired, really. Maybe we could just turn in?
You mean we're-we're sleeping in here?
This'll be fine.
What?
Well, how should I know, he's your friend.
You know... he said the same thing to my engine when he opened the hood.
Charlotte... I'm afraid we're making a terrible mistake.
No. I mean writing off these three weeks just 'cause you're moving. I had a great time with you today, and with somebody else it would have been a disaster.
Come on, you know what I'm talking about. We have a lot Fun together. And why deny ourselves the chance to have even more? I know the sensible thing would be to just end it now, and walk away. And normally that's what I would do, but... I don't want to be sensible.
I know. It'd be like a summer fling.
Of course we would. That's what happens. You-you're sad When summer's over. Well, I... never was. I always looked forward to the new school year, when I would buy my books...
Yeah, I had a great time today too, Charlotte. Oh nothing, really. I’m having the folks over for dinner. Just the family, and Roz. Well, I’ve done it a thousand times before. Okay, I’ll, uh, see you tomorrow. Bye.
For God’s sake... this thing breaks like crockwork. Crockwork, I’ll tell you... ah Frasier, once again you’ve suffered the tragedy of being clever, and alone.
Oh for God’s sake, Dad, would you please throw that thing away?
It wasn’t any good when it was new! It’s just an ugly, worthless pot.
Oh, hi! How was the honeymoon?
Oh dear, Niles. You look like you’ve crawled out of a bisque.
Niles, you remembered.
Oh well, Roz is dropping by with someone she wanted me to meet.
No, we’re going to form a jazz trio, Niles. Of course it’s a lady friend, you cherry-faced fool.
No, no, no, you don’t have to do that. If I don’t like her, Roz will just take her away. We’ve agreed upon a safety word: enchanté. If circumstances should dictate, all I have to do is say it, and Roz will know that I’m not interested.
Niles, would you mind getting that? That’s probably Roz. Uh, I’m just going to get rid of Dad’s arts and crafts project here, all right?
What...? Oh, hi! Roz, what a pleasant surprise.
Well, how lovely. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Elizabeth.
Ah, like Lisbon!
Enchanté.
Yes, the feeling is mutual. Enchanté, enchanté, enchanté.
Yes.
Well, I guess we can stop shaking hands now.
Well, then just let go.
What...? Oh, dear. Dad, what kind of glue were you using on that pot?
School lunches! The Kriezel brothers used to glue a cafeteria tray to his tie.
No, no, they’ll be back in ten minutes.
Oh, for God’s sake. All right, I’ll tell you what, uh, just, uh, here, just come right in here, there you are...
All right, just a moment, uh...
Are you there?
Dad, could you put on some music, please?
Oh, for God’s sake, just turn the damn thing on!
Oh yes, that’s right, they closed some streets for the fireworks display. Well, happy birthday, Roz.
There’s nothing wrong with dinner.
Niles.
You know the S.S. Ain’t Getting Any? Man overboard.
Well, let’s look, maybe one of these books... For God’s sake, Niles! I mean, how could you forget her birthday? It’s the whole reason we’re having dinner.
Okay, birthday girl, come on over here and open some gifts.
All right, you two, let’s pay attention. This is Roz’s birthday. This gift is from Niles.
Oh, I have no idea. Try not to think about it.
Dad, I bought you these headphones, so that I wouldn’t be subjected to your sports drivel. Please put them on.
I WANT YOU – to wear those headphones!
The KACL Fourth of July float is not stupid! Unless you think it is stupid to commemorate a hardy band of revolutionaries, their minds ablaze with...
Oh hey, Daph. My God, you look hideous.
That’s very funny.
Oh hello, Niles.
Uh, listen, Roz is running a little late, so we’re just gonna meet her downstairs, all right? Dad!
We’re off! See you later!
Wait a minute. Is my bunting a-droop? It’s supposed to drape evenly – oh, for God’s sakes.
No, there’s no time for that. We can fix it on the fly. It’ll just take a second.
Here, Niles, grab that end.
Oh, dear. Um... here. Oh, lord.
All right, let’s not panic. You know what, maybe some of our neighbors are out on their balconies, we’ll just call out to them.
Roz, how long does a baseball match last?
Oh, dear.
Roz, I’m Uncle Sam, I don’t have a cell phone. I shouldn’t even have this zipper.
That’s all right, Niles, allow me. Daphne!
Daphne, when you’re finished with that, could you please bring us some snacks to soak up this wine?
Niles, will you please stop being so morose? It is Thanksgiving.
We’re all going through a bit of a rough patch. Look at Roz and me, we’re out of a job.
Well, now you see? There’s a positive attitude!
Some people see losing a job as an opportunity! Oh, thank you.
Good heavens, Roz! Is that the sort of customer you’re servicing?! Hang that up!
Not unless they ask you to be!
Oh Daphne, my bath salts man has just delivered a new shipment of my proprietary blend – could you please run me a tub tonight?
Niles, let’s not be rash. Come on, come on, let’s get you some fresh air.
All right, Niles – Niles, Niles, please!
What?
I’ll pick you up at seven, my angel.
You’d better get used to the name “Evelyn Griebel,” because you’re going to be hearing an awful lot of it around here. Evelyn Griebel – sounds like music, doesn’t it?
Well yes, and you know how loath I am to use the expression “she may be the one,” but I think in this case it’s appropriate.
All I said was, “Maris, why the long face?”
Yeah, I’ll get that. It’s probably Roz.
Well?
Yes, I thought that was last night.
I allowed her to climb to the first base camp on Mount Crane and I believe she’s feeling the effects of the altitude.
Oh, shut up!
Dear God, Dad, that’s three years old! Throw it out!
Yes well, thank God my dating days are over! Three years on the Seattle singles scene is quite enough, thank you.
Hello? Oh hi, Evelyn. She can’t go five minutes without talking to me. Listen, I’m really looking forward to dinner tomorrow... I see. Well, if tomorrow’s no good... I see.
But you said you were having such a lovely time... I see. Perhaps I’d better take this in my room.
Oh, what are you smirking at?!
What are you staring at?
What?
Oh, hello, Niles.
Where’s Maris?
Oh by the way, I’ve invited Roz Doyle to join us – she’s my producer over at the radio station. She had no plans this evening – you know, I think the poor thing has a hard time meeting men.
Anyway, would you care for a scotch, Niles?
Sherry? What an intriguing idea. Think I could scare up a bottle of sherry.
Oh hi, Roz, come on in. Uh, I’d like you to meet my dad. This is Martin Crane, and his home healthcare worker, Daphne Moon, and of course this is my brother, Niles Crane.
What? You are not having pizza. I made a duck.
No, I’m just saying that it’s rude to bring your own food to a dinner party.
Oh, hello.
Right.
Yes, yes I am. It’s always nice to meet a fan.
This from the gourmet who dumped my Cornish Yarg cheese down the disposal.
It was supposed to be!
“With pasteurized, processed, cheese-flavored snack food.” Dear God, it looks like someone melted down a highway cone.
You’re right, Dad, I’m sorry, thank you. Would you please join me in the kitchen...?
Miles!
He is driving me batty! All right, we are making a deal. He spends six months here, and then he’s moving into your house.
I should have just gotten a keg. I tell you something, this is the last time I try to make a nice dinner for these people!
Oh, hey Dad.
Dinner’s ready.
Hello, you guys, come on in.
You all right?
Just a little turbulence, we’ll be through it in a minute.
Mother of God!
Well, there’s a small world, I’m a psychiatrist too. Dr. Frasier Crane.
Lovely to meet you.
Oh, I suppose I was. It’s been a rather eventful three weeks for me.
It’s really rather personal... It’s nothing you’d be interested in.
So I was dating this woman...
Yes, but then you followed me in here when I came to get my briefcase and uttered the fatal phrase that no man can resist.
Nice try, my little temptress, but I’m down for at least an hour.
Well, my show doesn’t start till two, and it’s only...
Oh dear God!
Turn that off!
I’m sorry I have to rush off. I wish we could spend the whole day together.
Oh that sounds great, I’d love that.
Uh... I liked what I had for lunch.
Still sounding like lunch.
I’m sorry, I am sorry. I had a doctor’s appointment, it couldn’t be helped!
Well thank you, Kenny.
Bebe?! What are you doing here?
What?!
The San Francisco radio psychiatrist? Yes, we had a nice encounter once at a conference.
Poor Mark... what a ghastly way to die!
Well, it’s very tempting, Bebe, but I’m very happy here in Seattle. I don’t want to leave.
Uhhh... No. My answer is still no, Bebe. I’ve got to begin my show.
Wait a minute. You were in San Francisco last week. Don’t tell me...!
Oh, the hollandaise is breaking!
Dad, I thought you were going out with Niles and Daphne?
Yes, well, Charlotte is leaving for Chicago in three hours. This is our farewell dinner.
Good heavens, I thought that you were meeting them downstairs.
Kenny, we just put dinner on the table.
Yes! Off you go!
This is Charlotte.
Yes, thank you. Bye.
Oh, for God’s sake!
Yes, well, you know how Chez Henri hates it when people are Late, so I tell you what, why don’t we call for that elevator right now...
And tell Henri that the first round of drinks is on me!
Simon?!
Please leave immediately.
There will be no tours!
Give me that!
Put that down!
All right, that’s it! I want you all out of here! And I do not mean a leisurely exit, I mean a break-neck, trampling-each-other, this-theatre’s-on-fire stampede!
Yes, thank you.
Oh, get out of here!
Because it’s not a word.
No, it’s not.
Use it in a sentence.
And why is she lying there? Because she’s feeling all “befevered” again?
I still don’t know why you won’t let me drive you to the airport.
Right. Uh, well then...
...right.
Yeah. Me too. Okay. Well then, uh, good luck in Chicago.
Got your ticket?
Great, great. Oh, oh, listen, I have a little something here for you.
It’s just a hair band I found in the shower drain.
Yeah. Uh, let me get your coat.
I don’t know about you, but I’ve had enough easy goodbyes. I’m kinda glad to have the chance to have another tough one.
Bye, Charlotte.
Oh. Oh, my fault.
Right.
Bye.
Oh. Yes. Yes. Oh, here.
Sorry.
My word. Ah....
See ya.
Oh for God’s sake, what now?
Positively quilty.
Morning, Dad. Hey, Niles.
Well, I can get it.
Milanos! Oh, well thank you.
I see what’s going on. You think I’m in tatters because Charlotte’s gone back to Chicago. Well, I’m not. I’m not going to say I won’t miss her like crazy. But we knew going in that our time was limited. We made the most of it. I have no regrets.
Except for leaving that door unlocked.
Darn! ...Niles and I just reserved a squash court.
Right, right...
Do you have any idea what he’s saying?
Well, I thought the mumbler was Michael.
Now Niles, just remember, those hearty Crane genes are in there too.
What’s this?
Huh. Closest thing we had to that was Dad bongo-ing out “Babalu” on Mom’s belly.
Here we are.
What?
You know, Dad... Niles and I have been wondering what to get you for your wedding, and... maybe we could just give you the wedding.
Well, I can officiate. I still have my license from that time I married those commitment-phobes on my Valentine’s Day show.
Not the time, Niles.
I’m sorry, leave it to whom?
Dancers, rehearsal is over. Please wait upstairs. I don’t want anyone to see you until the floor show.
I’m sorry, we’re still setting up.
Clint, would you please go outside and tell everyone they can’t come in here until after the ceremony. It will spoil the entire reveal.
Well, I’m glad you like it, you two, but listen, you’ve gotta go get changed, you’re getting married in ten minutes.
Good, our gospel choir is here! Niles, go make sure they’re fitted with their angel wings and give them all a meal voucher!
Roz, I’m sorry, I can’t let you in, I know it’s warm out there. I’ll tell you what, go have a cool drink with Kenny.
Oh, well good for him! I’ll come down and give him a hug.
Oh, all right, Roz. I can’t say I blame you, it’s like the Ninth Circle of Hell out there!
Bebe! What are you doing here?
What strategy?
Television... well, that certainly sounds tempting, but, but my home is here! There are more important things than money!
Bebe!
What? Oh, good lord! That’s my cannon operator! At the end of the ceremony, he’s supposed to fire that antique cannon. I’m not sure there’s anybody else who knows how to work the damn thing. Oh...
Niles...!
Our cannon man is down – heatstroke.
The flower girl?!
Who would give liquor to a six-year-old girl?
Simon! Did you give our flower girl champagne?
Oh, great! Still no flower girl, and now no one to fire our cannon!
All right then, come along, all of you. See if you can figure out this thing.
Now your cue to fire it is when I say, at the end of the ceremony, “ladies and gentlemen, Mr. and Mrs. Martin Crane.” You got it?
Oh, for God’s sakes, we can’t have him rumbling up the aisle. Uh, give him some of that pate over there.
Ooh, Roz! Do you think that we could enlist Alice to be our flower girl?
Oh, that’s splendid news! Here, here, take these rose petals. You’re supposed to strew them in the aisle as you lead the procession in and out.
Roz, her cue to lead the procession out at the end of the ceremony is when I say, “ladies and gentlemen, Mr. and Mrs. Martin Crane!”
NOT NOW!
What the hell was that?!
This is just our luck! When the gun went off, it startled a truck driver, he slammed into a lamppost. Now the entire roadway is blocked! Can anything else go wrong at this wedding?
What?
All right then, off you go, both of you.
Hurry, please! We’ve only got the skywriter until five!
Clint, would you please turn up that air conditioning to the maximum? That ice sculpture over there is by the renowned artist Arthur Nudzac, and it’s melting already!
What’s that?
Just don’t just stand there, please, call a repairman.
Yes, Roz, I’m sorry, I know it’s warm...
Well, the sound of gentle mooing in the background might lend a pastoral effect.
Oh. All right, I’ll handle this. Um, wedding guests, we thank you for your cooperation and your patience...
People, people, please!
Roz, do not open a window until they tow that cattle truck!
Dad, Ronee! We’re almost ready to start!
Smell?
There’s been a bit of a mishap with a cattle truck, and-and the A.C.’s out. But no matter! Right, people? It’ll take more than that to mar our joy at seeing these two become Mr. and Mrs. Martin Crane!
Hello? Well, finally, Niles! Stop babbling! Listen, Niles, you’ll have to speak up, I can’t hear you with that baby screaming in the backgr... Oh my God!
Hello? Niles?
Oh my God, he’s beautiful!
You know, I’d better, uh, condense this just a bit... No, I don’t need that... and I don’t need that. All right... ah. “It was the great thinker Horace Walpole...”
Well, all right then, uh... “Dearly beloved, we are gathered here...”
All right, Niles, uh, why don’t you give them the rings?
I’ll just cut to the chase here. Uh, do you, Martin Crane take Ronee Lawrence to be your lawfully wedded wife, forsaking all others, until death do you part?
Do you, Ronee Lawrence, take Martin Crane...?
You know, if they’d let me say what I planned to, you’d be bawling your eyes out right now.
By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife.
Hello, Lilith. Hey, it’s me. Yeah, listen, I was just calling to check out how Freddy’s doing. What, a new one? I thought he was smitten with the old one. Well, you know, he gets that from me. Back in my heyday, I had a new chess coach every month. Well, I’m... spending a lot time alone lately. Well, you know, Dad and Ronee are still on their honeymoon. Oh yes, they thank you for that very thankful radon detector you sent. Not seeing much of Niles and Daphne either, because they’re so busy with the baby... Oh! Uh, sorry to keep you. Yeah, just, uh, just tell Freddy to call me. Okay, bye, Lilith.
Oh.
Right. It’s right there.
It’s all right.
Eleven years.
Uh, be careful with it.
Bebe, hi, it’s Frasier. Listen, about that San Francisco job... I think I’ll take it.
About what?
Bebe. Oh, I’ll let you know if I hear anything, guys.
Yes, yes, yes. Shush, shush. I don’t want anyone to find out. I’m not telling my family until this evening.
Oh, Bebe, listen, I have something for you. I’ve decided to give away some of the things that I’ve accumulated through the years. As sort of a... fresh start, you know.
Wisdom?
Thanks, Bebe, but no thanks.
And I’m sure he’s very good at what he does, but still it’s just not me....
Four o’clock it is.
Roz, are you all right?
You?! Roz, congratulations! Aren’t you excited?
Well, that’s understandable. I remember when I heard that my advice would be heard by millions of people and...
Oh gosh, Roz, I’d love to, but I have to go to a doctor’s appointment. Can you come to my place for dinner tonight?
Oh gosh, I’m so happy for you.
Bebe, it’s Frasier. When you get this, call me, please. I want to thank you for sending me to that quack of yours today! He screwed something up and now my eyes won’t stop watering.
No, no, Roz, of course not. Listen, could you take these out for me?
Thank you.
Ronee, I saw you admiring this China pattern.
Yes, well, I’d like to make a gift of them to you as a complete set.
Of course. Oh, Niles, I know how much you’ve always coveted this chess set. And I want you to have it.
Which is why I want it to be the set that you teach that son of yours to play on. I haven’t forgot about you, Roz. I’ll be right back.
Here we are, Roz. I thought this art deco mirror seemed like you.
Well that just shows you. I thought I’d get the bigger reaction from the chess set.
Well, I didn’t want to say anything until after dinner so as not to bring down the party, but...
I see you’re all ahead of me. Uh... listen, a couple weeks ago I got some unexpected news.
Now you see, this is exactly what I was trying to avoid. You mustn’t think of my leaving you as a sad thing, because I don’t. I think of it as an adventure.
We all knew we weren’t going to stay together forever. I mean, that’s not what life is about. Cry, if you must, but I assure you, when I pass through that Golden Gate I will be smiling!
Yes! That’s where I’m moving to! San Francisco!
My new job. I start next week. Now don’t just sit there choking back the tears. Go ahead, let them out.
To San Francisco.
You know it’s just an hour by plane, so I’ll be coming back up as often as you like.
I’m happy for myself. And scared too. But it’s a good scared. Sort of the way I felt when I came here from Boston. If I hadn’t done that, just think of what I would have missed out on.
Let me just help you with some of those dishes.
Oh, well, if you really must go, all right, but I tell you what, don’t go without taking some of these éclairs with you.
I’m on TV next week and the only thing worse than seeing them going to waste would be seeing them go to my waist!
What?
Let her talk, Dad!
Well, I promise I’ll fly up for all the German ones!
Yeah, Dad’s right. I mean, once I’m gone there’ll be no getting rid of me.
Sure.
Right. Coffee tomorrow?
I love you.
You all know how I feel about you, and the only reason I’m leaving is because I want what all of you have now: a new chapter. Who knows if it’ll even work out? But it’s like that Tennyson poem Mom had us recite for you when we were kids. Do you remember?
It may be that the gulfs will wash us down, It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles, and though We are not now that strength which in old days Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are...
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
I’ve been thinking about that poem a lot lately. And I think what it says is that, while it’s tempting to play it safe, the more we’re willing to risk, the more alive we are. In the end, what we regret most are the chances we never took. And I hope that explains a little this journey on which I’m about to embark. I have loved every minute with my KACL family and all of you. For eleven years you have heard me say, “I’m listening.” Well, you were listening too. And for that I am eternally grateful. Goodnight, Seattle.
We had a big party that night. It was all very sweet.
Oh, good heavens. We’ve touched down.
And I’ve never had more delightful company.
Well, I just know I’d always regret it if I didn’t take the chance.
Wish me luck.
...and though washing one's hands twenty to thirty times a day would be considered obsessive/compulsive, please bear in mind that your husband is a coroner. Thank you for your call, Jeanine. Roz, whom do we have next?
Hello, Ethan. I'm listening.
How old are you?
Ah well, what can I do for you?
Why do you think that's so?
Well, you know, Ethan, the other children are just acting out of jealousy and immaturity, and I... I know it doesn't help much right now, but the day will come in the next few years when you will have the last laugh.
Yes.
Ethan, where are you calling from?
Well, if any of Ethan's classmates are listening, you know where he is, and he can't stay in there forever.
Thank you for your call! Well, that's about it for today. This is Frasier Crane, KACL Talk Radio, 780 AM.
Well Roz, I thought that was a pretty good show, didn't you?
You seem a bit distracted there, Roz. You got another one your hot dates?
Noel? Noel Shempsky from Sales, that's who your date's with?
Noel the Mole?
Mm-hmm...
Does Noel still have that autographed picture of Captain Kirk in his cubicle?
Dear God, I thought I heard...! Niles, what are you doing?
You are shameless!
Oh, come on, Camille!
I need to talk to you. Here, have a seat, right here. Now listen Niles, I'm having a young lady over on Friday night, I was hoping you could take Dad out for me.
Why, you have plans Friday?
Niles, just tell me that you'll do this for me?
Thank you.
Oh Niles, please. Nobody refers to having sex as “getting lucky” anymore.
Hi, Dad.
Ooh!
Well, I'm sorry, Dad. I guess I should have asked you myself.
What does that mean?
Oh! Well, well. How long has this been going on?
Well, sure Dad. I think that's terrific. Oh listen, if there's a lull in the conversation, we’ve got all kind of board games back here in the closet, we got playing cards - does she like to play Canasta?
Ooh, wow...
Morning, Daphne.
Don't mention it. It was my pleasure.
I think it meant that he's packed too much.
What is that heavenly aroma?
Oh my, that's it!
Morning, dad. So... How was your date last night, huh? Ha, boy, feels strange, you know? A son asking his father how his date was last night...
When he could ask the date herself!
So... so, it's a pleasure to meet you, Elaine. It's ah... I know that dad's wanted to have you for a long time - I mean, for dinner!
Oh yes, absolutely.
Splendid, splendid, splendid. So uh – so uh... what did you two kids do last night? Did you ah, play some games? Well, I mean, board games! Not that you were bored - or excited... well, not that I'd know anything - or should! But ah... warm buns, Elaine? No, no, not yours! I mean ours, ours! To eat, you see. Have one, I'll have one! Warm!
I don't know!
Thank you. That's always lovely to hear.
Oh really, really? I do-do a great deal of shopping there. As a matter of fact, I bought the comforter on dad’s bed there, and, well, I supposed you noticed that... maybe you didn't - I mean, I don't know if you had the lights on, or... I mean, I don't know how you like it... I mean, how you... light it! How you like to light it!
Oh, banger, dad?
You couldn't have served bacon?
I'm sorry, dad. It just, really caught me off guard.
So, you like Elaine?
So, dad...
You're back on the beat!
Lock up your daughters!
Oh, come on, you old...
Ooh look, there's a place for cumin, most people overlook that.
Evening, everyone.
Hello, Eddie. Well, I seem to have cleared the room.
Oh, sounds like someone's being taken out behind the woodshed.
Are you discussing what I said about you and Elaine?
But dad, everything I said was flattering.
Oh, come on you old swordsman, I thought you'd get a kick out of it.
What for? Just because of a harmless remark I made on the radio?
Well, don't you think she's overreacting?
I'm sorry, dad.
Well look, look. I caused a problem here, and I will take care of it.
I said I'd take care of it!
Yes, yes uh, just go on with what you're doing, and everything should turn out all right. Thank you for your call. Now, I'd like to end today’s show on something of a personal note. I'm talking to one person in my audience. Elaine - you wouldn't answer my phone calls, you wouldn't come to the door, so I hope you're listening. And if you are, I want to apologize for what I said on the radio. I took something that was of a private nature and turned it into public knowledge. I promise I will never do that again - well, except for this time, then I promise I'll never do it again. You see, the saddest thing is, Elaine, that uh, that dad is paying for my mistake.
Elaine... Martin cares for you. And he misses you very much. More than anything in the world, he'd like to be back together with you. And if you feel for him the way he feels for you, I hope you'll find it in your heart to come to my place tonight, at eight o' clock, for dinner. A very romantic dinner. Thanks, Elaine. This is KACL 780 AM, talk radio. And I'm Frasier Crane... the Love Doctor.
Ah. Well, the champagne's chilled, a platter of hors d'oeuvres, how are things in the kitchen?
God, I hope this works, Daphne.
You're kidding. You can transmit? I thought you were just a receiver.
That's very charming, Daphne, but Elaine's in 14-12.
Dad, it is two minutes to eight, and why don't you just sit down and relax?
May I suggest we just skip the first course, which is crow, and move directly to the hors d'oeuvres?
All right.
People, people, please. Don't you have lives of your own? For God's sake, beat it, scoot, scat..
This is a private situation here...
Please, please, come out here.
All right then, dad, dad you come in here. All right everybody, back off, just back off! Just give us some time, please!
Elaine, please let me try to explain.
Oh dad, please, what do you happen to know...
Dad!
Yes, please folks. Honor what the man says. Thank you so much for coming. Thank you for your concern. Let's expedite this departure please, if you would. Thank you so much. Goodbye.
Yes. Yes, I suppose you're right. It's ironic, isn't it? My sixty-three year old father with a bum hip is about to embark on a night of romance, while the two of us, man and woman, both attractive and eligible, and in the prime of our lives, have nothing to do on a Saturday night.
Yes Daphne, I think it is.
Roz, Roz. Listen, could you go in there and get my briefcase for me? I was just on my way out but I left it in the studio.
Well, because every time I go in there, he puts me on the air and humiliates me.
Hello, Bulldog.
The Giants.
The Saints?
Somebody has to win.
Yes, that was very funny indeed. I wished you'd played it on my show. It deserves to be heard by a much larger audience. Hee haw! Hee haw!
Hello all.
Oh, Maris left for Chicago already?
What is it, dad?
Dad, say no more. I'd be delighted to help.
...Bulldog.
Mm-hmm?
A-ha.
All right, I'll do it.
I'll leave a note on his hydrant.
Thank you, dad.
Roz!
That's me.
My pleasure, dad.
Who was that?
Do you mind? I'll answer this one, thank you. Hello? It's for you.
Tiffany? I thought you just spoke to Tiffany?
Celebrate the ethnic mosiac that is America, but nonetheless...
Well, I'll tell you what my damage is, young lady. You've been Talking on the phone for an hour and a half. You haven't said a word to me except to ask for more Cheetos. They're coming, Eddie!
Well, I'm not exactly thrilled about it either, but your mother was in a bind. And for the record, I am not a perv.
Nonetheless, flake or not, you are in my charge. I think it's Time you had something that was a bit more nutritious. Now, how about some seafood crepes? Lobster Neuberg? Corn dog dipped in curare?
Even more lethal. Yes, just come on into the kitchen, we'll See what we've got.
You don't care much for your mother, do you?
You know, I have a son. I'd hate to think by the time he's your age, he thinks of me as some sort of, um...
Thank you.
Oh well, look what we have here. Will one tube suffice?
Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
Well now, Renata, you know, I am a psychiatrist. And um, if you're having problems with your mother I'd be glad to listen.
I do care about the Gomers. I even care about you.
Why do you think she does that?
Really?
My God! How old were you?
What does your father say about all this?
Whitesnake? Is that a musical group or a pet?
You know, this cookie dough is not that bad. Of course, I'm Sure later I'll be hurling. Ah, that must be Her Fabulousness. Want to take the rest home with you?
You poor thing!
She left.
Should have been here half an hour ago.
I was wondering if my sweet little boy's going to turn out to be a monster when he's twelve.
Oh, it's a long story. Do you really want to hear it?
But eventually they do?
Hello? Oh, Daphne. How was your evening? ...No way!
Okay, dad. Now, you've seen the executive offices, the advertising offices and the lunchroom. And we now finally come to the sanctum sanctorum: my studio. You might recognize that handsome rogue over there.
Very droll. Get in. This is what we in the radio game call "The Booth." It is here That I sit, day after day, and dispense the advice that helps the emotionally distraught through their troubled lives.
Dad, you know, you could have gone home after lunch. I just brought you here because I thought you'd enjoy it. NOW DON'T TOUCH THAT! It's a very sophisticated piece of electronic equipment!
I have no idea, Roz told me never to touch it! You see dad, the usual procedure begins with...
Dad.
Dad, dad, look, let's just go into Roz's booth, okay? You can touch anything you want to in there.
Oh, hello Roz.
Well, I'm just showing dad around, then he's gonna sit and listen to the show.
Yes, he made a big game of locking us in one of the cells and pretending to lose the key.
Well no, we weren't really scared, although after a while we did become quite hungry.
Did you leave your wallet home, or something?
Roz, it's a scam. He scammed you.
Especially if you're an easy mark like Roz.
Oh, by all means dad, lecture me on the complexities of the human mind. Are you forgetting that I graduated with honors from Harvard in Psychosocial Behaviorism?
It sounded louder on the dais! All I'm trying to say is, if it were me on the street, I wouldn't have been fooled.
Well if I can't, I'm in the wrong business.
What do you mean?
Of course you can.
Oh, you're just itching to give your money away today, aren't you? All right, you're both on. But I think you're underestimating me. What truffles are to pigs, so are these charlatans and pettifoggers to my mental acuity.
Oh, just some of dad's old friends from the precinct.
When he yawns it may smell like swamp gas, but his spelling's improving.
The number of the nearest gastroenterologist.
Linda, Frank, Jimmy.
Well, my dad tells me he's filled you in on our little bet. Now the ground rules for tonight are that I'm not allowed to ask you any questions directly about your line of work, but whatever questions I do ask, you must answer truthfully.
Actually, it's mine.
About. Hmm... that's interesting, you noticed the space. Most people mention the view and the high ceilings, but you, you mentioned the space. It's almost as if you'd spent some time living in a cramped, confining, tight area.
Interesting... you find her attractive, do you?
Yes, but I mean, attraction to one's own sex is a not uncommon result of long-enforced periods of time spent exclusively in their company.
Really?
You know, we could really use some music. Anybody play the harmonica?
Oh, no-no-no-no-no, I'll just take this time to observe the triumvirate. I believe in my considerable education, my years of study and not to mention, well... alright, let's say it, my God-given gift to intuit.
I'm sorry, dad. Just been observing.
Frank's an interesting study, isn't he? Temper, loner, a bit unsocial. Almost a stereotypical portrait of a man who's spent his entire life behind bars.
Actually, I believe I have. Shall we step into the drawing room? Please have a seat.
I have sketched an accurate psychological profile of each one of you. And in so doing I have come to the incontrovertible conclusion that the criminal among us can only be... FRANK!
Exactly! Just a little too obvious, you know. The broken vocabulary, the jailhouse pallor, the underdeveloped social skills...
So, you tried to use psychology against me, did you? Threw a gender bender at me. Thinking I'd just assume that a felon would naturally be a man. Well, I'm on to your little game, mister. The criminal among us is indeed, the very wily Linda!
JIMMY!
Damn it... you seem like such a nice guy.
Yeah, I'm afraid I do.
It's been very pleasant. You'll all come again, any time you like. Hopefully when we're here, of course.
Jimmy. Boy, who woulda thought? How do you even know that guy, dad?
Well, you certainly made your point. I feel stupid as hell.
Dad, excuse me, if I can interrupt that self-righteous policeman mentality for a second, don't you believe in second chances?
Well, I believe that when a man has paid his debt to society he deserves a fresh start. I see no harm in her going out with him once.
I say she is.
Of course, Daphne.
That would have been a very dramatic exit, if only her room was down that hall.
Oh, don't worry, she won't.
Well, because she has too much respect for your opinion. She won't go against your wishes if I'm any judge character.
I'll have the same.
Ah...
Actually, it was really rather interesting. You know, one them actually did time in prison for fraud?
Actually, he was quite personable. You know dad, he's so judgmental.
For some reason, you know, just because the man was in prison he seems to have marked him for life.
Hmm. Yes, I almost had to sedate him when Daphne announced that she was going to go out with him.
What do you mean?
Niles, he passed bad checks. He's not a sociopath.
You haven't even met him.
Oh Niles, Niles, just sit down and relax, for God's sakes. You're being irrational.
Now, Niles. Listen, I think Jimmy's a perfectly nice guy. And besides, Daphne can take care of herself.
Niles, just listen to me for a second. You know perfectly well that she'll resent any interference. Now, you want to make a fool of yourself, go right ahead, but don't ask me to join you.
Someplace called the, uh, the Topaz Room.
I'll drive!
Look at this place. I never felt so conspicuous in my life.
Yes, and you might try tucking in your watch fob.
Oh, then by all means, let it dangle. Perhaps they have a local chapter.
The only problem is, I don't see Daphne or Jimmy.
Oh, oh. God, I am so sorry.
I'm sorry, I was just trying to...
I'm sorry.
Really sorry.
Oh well, I-I'd gladly pay you, but I-I don't have that kind of cash on me.
Niles! Maybe I could write you a check?
Oh, I don't think that's really necessary at all.
Shut up, Niles.
Oh Daphne, we were worried about you.
Listen, listen. I'm a psychiatrist, maybe we can talk this out in sessions. You know, it seems that you have some control issues...
Daphne!
Hank, listen to me. You've got to look inside yourself. There is a part of you that isn't being fed.
Yes, well, I'm talking about your inner self. What isn't being fed there? Love, career, simple self-esteem? There are deeper issues at work here.
Well, I'd suggest extended therapy. Please stay on the line, and my producer Roz will refer you to the help you need. Roz, who's our next call?
Ah, really? Hello, you're on the line.
Lilith?
I see. Well, Seattle, we have a celebrity of sorts on the line. This is my ex-wife, Lilith.
Oh, they know you. Roz, what exactly does "call screening" mean?
Well, Lilith, what brings you to Seattle — the constant rain?
Well, I guess you'll be rushing off to your little convention now, and I suppose we'll just have to catch up on your next trip.
Really? Well, then you'll want to keep your dial tuned to 780 for Gil Chesterton's "Restaurant Beat."
What a wonderful idea! And let me tell you why, Seattle. You see, even though our marriage was unsuccessful, Lilith and I are quite capable of conducting ourselves as adults, and even enjoying spending some time together, from time to time. So, Lilith, seven at my place?
Dad, you never liked Lilith.
She is not weird.
Well, maybe she's a little strange.
Can I get you an aspirin, Daphne?
Niles! I'm sure she wants privacy while she contacts the mother ship.
Oh, Niles, this ongoing feud between you and Lilith is ridiculous! Let it go, it was years ago.
All right, now, now, there she is. All right, now—now listen, it's just one evening out of your life. Will you at least try to be civil?
Hello, Lilith.
Please come in.
Here, let me take these things for you. There we are. Oh, look who's here.
Thank you.
The settlement is final, Lilith.
Why does he listen to you, and not to me?
Oh, I see. You're saying your voice is more commanding than mine is?
Daphne, um, this is my ex-wife, Dr. Lilith Sternin. Lilith, this is Daphne Moon, my dad's physical therapist.
Well, I think dinner's just about ready. Why don't we move to the table.
So, Lilith, how is Frederick?
Boy, I sure hope the other campers don't make fun of him.
Goodnight, Dad.
Well, goodnight.
Oh, this is ridiculous! Listen, Lilith, uh, Niles is upset because you snickered at Maris's wedding vows.
He doesn't get that kind of validation at home, you see.
Yes. It's the first time we've been alone together since the lawyers put us in that room and said, "Don't come out until there's some resolution."
Yes it was, wasn't it?
Well, it's a beautiful city. I hope you enjoy your convention.
The letter? What letter?
Lilith, I did write that letter, and I did leave it in the apartment, but...
It wasn't last month. It was nearly a year ago. It's before I moved to Seattle. You just found it now?
Well, I see the cleaning service is still doing its usual bang-up job.
Listen, Lilith—
Lilith, please!
I wrote this letter just before I came to Seattle hoping for a reconciliation. She only just now found it.
Like they own those five words! You know, I-I got over her, I moved out here. She comes back and I wonder if I made the right decision. I did write that letter.
Oh, that's a nice tidy little way of saying I'm in hell. Niles, I have a life here that suits me, and yet I can't help wondering if there is still some chance for reconciliation, if it's worth exploring the feelings that—that I'm feeling. Do you think I should see her again tonight?
Yes, but I don't have an opinion in this case.
But I don't.
All right, all right. I think in my soul, I'm leaning toward taking the next step and, uh, seeing if there's anything... there.
Why?
Damn it, Niles!
All right. We have a long history together, we-we have a son that we both adore. There were some good times, and when they were good... Hoo-ah!
Yes, they are. Thank you, Niles. I don't know what I'd do without you.
Drop it!
Hello, Lilith.
I must be early, I see you haven't had a chance to put up your hair yet.
Really?
Well, how could I not? I felt so awful about last night. You see, I just thought you'd read the letter long ago and ignored it.
O.K. Well, I know a great little French bistro just around the corner—
Well, I'd like to say that I feel the same way about you. Frederick is flourishing, and I'm sure that's in no small part due to you.
Geez, do you realize that's the first pleasant thing we've said to each other in almost a year?
You know, I'm suddenly quite moved.
Would it be a dreadful contretemps if I kissed you right now?
You want to bag dinner?
Come to me, my white-hot flame!
Oh God, you're in my thoughts every waking hour!
So are you!
Jolly good morning to you, too.
Me, too.
Yes, me too, me too.
Oh, I'll get that!
Must be the breakfast we ordered last night. Boy, I am famished!
Hi.
Just bring it right in here, please. Uh, that's fine. Little something for you, too. Thank you, good day.
Well, boy, it's funny how life takes it's little turns, isn't it? Yesterday morning when I woke up, I never imagined I'd be waking up here this morning.
And — I mean, it's not that we were overly impulsive or anything, or that what we did was wrong, I just...
Oh, thank God you said that! Oh, it's not that last night wasn't very enjoyable, but who are we kidding? You've gotten on with your life, I've gotten on with mine! I've got a new career, I've reestablished relationships with my family, I've got a whole new set of friends — for the first time in years, I'm happy! I mean, for us to even consider getting back together — it's just the stupidest thing two people could do!
Well, you didn't let me finish, you see... after I played Devil's advocate, I—
I'm afraid so.
Oh, Lilith, are you crying? God, I'm sorry. Once again, I've led you down an emotional primrose path. Lilith, I never meant to hurt you. I don't blame you if you're mad at me.
You mean you're not?
Well, that's good. So then what happened last night was only because you were lonely, and I was—
Oh, Lilith, Lilith, here, here, come with me here. Now, listen, look in there, tell me what you see. All right, I'll tell you what I see. I see the same strong-willed, dynamic, intelligent woman I married seven years ago. Listen, you're just suffering a temporary lapse — divorce does that to you. Listen, I won't say anything as trite as "someday you'll find someone." But I know this: I know you, and I know that no matter what the future holds in store for you, you'll handle it.
You hungry?
O.K.
Yeah, well, you know you helped me through some hard times yourself.
The best one was Frederick. We'll always have that.
And, you know, I can't help telling you this. Even though we're not in love anymore, you were always the most exciting lover I ever had. I think in your heart of hearts that you'd say the same about me.
Lilith?
Well let me see, I think I'll have the...
Daphne.
Oh, well good. You know, I'd like...
Excuse me, you haven't taken my order yet.
Excuse me, we seem to have spilled something here. If you could...
Oh, nothing for me, thanks!
Niles... look, apropos of nothing, how are things between you and Maris?
I don't know, you tell me.
I believe he's bagging her beans.
Well...
Niles, you know, this infatuation with Daphne is really getting out of hand. I didn't really mind when it was just a flirtation, but I can't help wonder that this is symptomatic of something wrong between you and Maris. Well, is it?
Well, that's perfectly normal in a relationship of some years. Maybe you should try spicing things up a bit.
Well, for starters, yeah.
Well, the two of you could... Well, you could... well it's you and Maris, so you could... I'm stumped.
Oh, hi Roz, how are you?
Well, I was just making conversation. But actually, Roz, there's some advice I need.
A subject in which you're quite well-versed, sex.
What do you do when... when the romance goes out of a relationship?
All right, let's just assume for a moment that you are capable of a long-term relationship; what would you do to keep things cooking?
So you used, like, fantasy/role-playing?
I'm sorry.
Roz, this is not for me, it's for my brother Niles.
Niles!
Niles!
Dear God, why? What for?
Oh, my.
Alright, just keep in mind that I reserve the right to say "stop" at any time.
Stop!
All I suggested was some sexual role-playing, you're the one that came up with "Pirates of the Caribbean"!
Well, I suppose they could always use another busboy at the "Jolly Roger"!
Here we are, Canadian goose down pillow, Egyptian cotton sheets and a nice Vicuna throw in case you get a little chilly during the night.
Well, don't be embarrassed on my account, Niles.
You're a complex little pirate, aren't you? Well, goodnight Niles.
Why?
Niles. May I suggest that when Maris returns, you both invest some time in some intensive couples' therapy. There's a Reichian group...
Oh, I think that's implied!
You told her to spend the night?
Well, you know how Niles feels about her.
Oh, I suppose you're right. Niles is harmless enough. Besides, he'd never try anything with Maris in the house.
I've gotta get Daphne out of there!
Why? My God, it's a recipe for disaster! You've got a vulnerable woman and an unstable man in a gothic mansion on a rainy night! The only thing missing is someone shouting "Heathcliff!" across the moors!
Oh, Dad, Dad, you're not coming!
No, you're not!
Hello, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. I'm listening.
It is not.
What if it does? He's my brother and he loves his wife! Now, now, I know, I know their marriage is not exactly everyone's cup of tea. But on some twisted, bizarre level it seems to work for them. If Niles ever did anything to hurt to his marriage, he's the one who'd suffer. He's my brother and I won't let him suffer!
Dad, I let you come along strictly on the agreement that you would not give directions.
Roosevelt'll add ten minutes.
Oh what, spatial relationships change when it rains?!
Dad, you cannot flood a fuel-injected engine. Oh, this so maddening. We're so close to the house, I can see the gargoyles!
We'd be stuck on Roosevelt!
Oh that is it, just call the auto club, I'm gonna make a dash for it.
STOOOOOO-OOOP! STOOOOOP!
My God, have you two gone mad?! You'll regret this for the rest of your lives!
Well, the two of you here alone, the fire, the candlelight, the nightie!
I'm sorry, Daphne, I didn't mean to suggest that, I didn't try to imply that...
I... wanted you to stop standing here in silence. A night like this calls for music! Daphne, please, some wine for all of us. Niles, join me at the piano, please.
Are you sure everything's alright?
Shall we?
Just remember Angela, cosmetic surgery is only a superficial solution. You can lift your eyelids, but it can't lift that little cloud of pessimism that hovers over you. Thank you for your call. So okay Roz, who's our next caller?
Roz? Perhaps this would be a good time to go to commercial break. We'll be right back after these messages.
A little disturbing, looking in the booth and seeing no one there, isn't it?
Oh, I forgot. Are those coming out today?
Well, I suppose it's the difference in our ages, but I don't find myself getting excited about... well, much of anything anymore.
YES!!! Yes, we got a nomination!
Get out, Noel.
Well I... I guess I'm a little more excited than I let on. Well, it'll be a big feather in my cap to win this, first year in radio and all that?
We got the nomination!
DAMN IT, ROZ!
Niles, a patient has a right to change therapists.
Bebe, what are you doing here?
I WAS NOMINATED! I WAS NOMINATED!
Well, I was.
So, this, ah, this is quite a surprise, you know. Actually I'd, ah, forgotten that the nominations were coming out today.
Well, that's not sibling rivalry rearing its vicious little green snout?
Roz!
Roz, Roz, Roz!
I know! Come and sit down. You know, I've never really won anything before. Although back in prep school, the Existentialist Club once named me "Most Likely To Be."
The Channel Eight reporter? “Television's Most Handsome Man.”
I'd better get myself on the ball here, I've got a lot to do.
Well... seems the only thing you haven't taken care of is finding me a date.
Daphne, you may not be aware of this, but there is a special secret to opening a bottle of champagne, especially a fine French champagne as unprepossessing as this one – two hundred dollars a bottle. In order to prevent spillage, one does not simply twist out the cork. Instead, one holds the cork stationary, you see, and then gives the bottle three easy turns. One...
OH, GOD! Oh no, get some glasses!
Eddie, get away from there, you mangy little cur! Oh, Lord. Oh well, that wasn't too bad, I believe we've salvaged most of it.
Thanks, dad. Means a lot to me.
Mmm. It's quite exquisite, isn't it? Dad, what do you think?
Well Daphne, there's never been any doubt that I, I think of you as my equal in every way.
Oh, would you?
Oh, just answer the door!
Roz, I believe she was referring to your SeaBea nomination?
Girls, can we just cut out the pajama party, please?
Oh Daphne, save your breath. It could come out of a box and Roz would have a glass of it.
“Wendy Ashiro wishes to thank the members of the voting committee for her nomination, and hopes they consider her for the award.” This is nothing but shameless self- promotion. It's in very bad taste.
You're not suggesting we put our own ad in this thing?
THANK YOU, DAD! Well, all right, I – just as long as it's tasteful and understated.
No, wait a minute, wait a minute, we really want to stand out, why run another boring old ad? We should do something different, something unique.
Okay, okay, we could do that, but we should do something else, something to keep our names in their minds. You know what I mean? Uh, I know. Personalized gifts, uh, from oh, the new Tiffany's catalogue.
I saw the most incredible cigarette cases in here.
Oh, yeah.
No, we've already got your vote, Roz.
It's a simple “Thank you” for a nomination.
Me too!
To start off the second hour, I would like to depart from my usual format because I recently read a book that... well, it truly just knocked my mental socks off. It's called “The Menopausal Male,” and its author, the distinguished psychiatric scholar Dr. Helmut Bruga, has graciously agreed to join us today from his offices at the University Washington. Dr. Bruga, guten tag. I've been an admirer of yours for a long time.
Really?
Back to your book. Now, we're all very familiar with the changes in the female menopause, but your research indicates...
Yes, of course.
Yes, your research indicates that the reproductive imperative is re-awakened in later life, when the man is...
...Thank you.
Yes well, back to male menopause.
Well, our time has just flown by. Thank you for joining us, Dr. Bruga, and for so vividly proving your point.
Oh, I think Roz has your number!
Hello, Niles. Whatever are you doing here?
Emeralds? Well, may I see it?
Why not?
I see. Well, I'm sure Maris will never think of looking for it there.
Join a health club, Niles.
Oh, hi, Dad.
As if there's anything left on her that needs tightening.
Oh Dad, no, no! Not more duct tape!
You know, Dad, instead of repairing this old relic all the time, why don't we just bring the Eames down here?
How about Florida?
God, you know, when you think of all the care I put into decorating my home, only to have it mocked by this atrocity.
Yes well, it's not as simple as all that. I mean, one would have to find the appropriate moment. I mean, Dad does have his feelings, and one should consider those, and he has quite an attachment to this little chair...
Oh, like you're not.
Oh Niles, Niles, I'm just having some fun with you. Actually, I think Maris is rather attractive - in a, a minimalist sort of way. Oh, forget it, I'm just upset about the chair.
Oh, really? Well, enlighten me, doctor.
Stop saying “Be they!”
Yes, of course. So what you're saying is that if I should, say, go down to the store and buy Dad a new chair, throw this one in the trash heap, I wouldn't be doing it for me, I'd be doing it for him.
All right, now this is not a moment for the faint of heart. We're treading a thin line here, Niles. We've got to find something that compliments my decor as well as fulfills Dad's requirements.
Oh, dear God. Can you imagine anyone would have something like that in their living room?
Excuse me, perhaps you could help us here.
Well, we're looking for a chair.
Wait, wait-wait-wait!
Yes well, perhaps you could direct us to your recliners, preferably one in suede.
“Lazy-guy.” I wonder what they call the deluxe model? The “Hopeless Slack-Ass?”
You know, I-I hate to admit it, but that would not look altogether hideous in my living room.
Go ahead, Niles. Try it out.
Right, Niles. I'm sure it would fit right in with all Maris's 18th-century antiques.
Well, I don't really think that's necessary. You see, I'm buying it for my father..
And who knows about other people's tastes..
Something seems as if it's not quite right, really, I just... whoa... OH, MOMMY!
Eddie? What is the matter with him?
Oh, stop it! If I had stuck Dad's feet into a bucket of cement and thrown him into Puget Sound, you would have been the tiny little splash that followed him!
Oh. that must be Leo. Wait'll you see this.
Come on in.
All right, now just be careful now, Leo. Watch the furniture and the walls.
All right, all right. Quickly, quickly. I'm sure Beavis will start to wonder where you are.
Well, try it out, try it out. And it has a little surprise.
Oh, quick, quick, that's Dad. Get out, get out, get out.
Hi, Dad. I've ah, got a little surprise for you.
It's your new easy chair.
It's down in the storage space. Come on, try this one out.
Dad, Dad, you haven't even sat in it yet. Come on, come on, come on down, Martin Crane.
Well Dad, but why? I mean this chair's a lot more comfortable than the old one, and it's, it's therapeutic as well.
All right Dad, fine. The important thing is that you lived with it for a full fifteen seconds. Leo!
Are you saying that someone broke into my storage space and stole my father's chair?
Well, that's where I told you to put it. You did put it there, didn't you?
Listen Leo, you have got to find that chair. I don't care what you have to do. Comb the entire building, search the neighborhood, just find my father’s chair!
YES!
Dad, you could at least show a little gratitude, I didn't do this for me, I did it for you.
Geez, you're acting like I lost the chair on purpose.
Oh, baloney! Ever since you got here all I've tried to do is make you comfortable. I don't even know why I bothered. I mean, everybody knows Martin Crane doesn't like calfskin, he prefers duct tape!
And food crumbs! There we are! And let's have a little dribble of beer while we're at it! Why not? There, that's delightful! Oh, and let's not forget - to top it all off - just the slightest bit of dog hair!
Oh Dad, I don't know why you’re carrying on this way. We are, after all, talking about a twenty-five year-old, broken-down chair. If you don't like this chair, I'll get you another one. Any chair you want!
Hellish.
Sunday?
Service.
Churches don't have shows, they have services.
All right, all right.
Mm-hmm.
You know Roz, maybe you should take a sick day sometime, call into the show yourself.
Good afternoon, Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane. Now before I take my first caller, I'd like to make a personal appeal. Last Saturday, my father’s chair was taken from in front of the Elliott Bay Towers, and it's a runny split-pea green and mud-brown striped recliner with the occasional spot of stuffing popping out from underneath a strip of duct tape. Aas incredible as this may seem, I'm offering a handsome reward for its safe return. Thank you. And now Roz, who's on line one?
So remember Stephanie, a little emotional flexibility is a good thing. Just as the mighty oak snaps and falls in a windstorm, so the weeping willow bends and lives to see another day. Thank you for your call. So Roz, any update on the chair?
Really? And what are they?
Funny stuff, people. Well, let's just go to commercial break so you all can chuckle through these words from Yukon Lumber.
Ingrates! I dedicate my life to clearing away their psychic debris and this is how they repay me.
What? What is it?
Oh, great. Oh, thank God. By tonight my dad will be safely back in his beer-stained, flea-infested, duct-taped recliner, adjusting his shorts with one hand and cheering on Jean-Claude van Damme with the other. Yes, it's quite a little piece of heaven I've carved out for myself, isn't it?
Excuse me?
Uh, Mrs. Warren...?
Well, if I could just have a word with you...
Ooh, “Ten Little Indians.” I thought I recognized the mise en scene. I did this play years ago. "On the contrary, Major. Many a psychotic killer would appear to be quite normal. You see, you can never suspect that underneath that calm exterior there lies the heart of a maniac, ah-ha-ha." Happens to be true, by the way.
Oh, I'm Dr. Frasier Crane.
From the radio? KACL Talk... well, never mind. Listen, someone told me that my chair would be here, and sure enough here it is, so I'll just get this out of your hair.
Well, I'm sure that's quite true, but you see...
Yes, but you see, you don't understand, this chair belongs to my father and I must return it to him...
Yes, you don't understand, I'm in a very difficult position here.
Listen, I'll give you two hundred dollars, you can get yourself a new chair.
Listen, Mrs. Warren, I realize you are in an untenable position here, but I am speaking to you now from the heart. You see, by putting this chair into the trash, I have wounded my father. I realize it's just a chair to you, but to him it is a treasure trove of life memories that I have thoughtlessly discarded because I didn't like the way it looked in my living room. I have sacrificed heart and soul for form and function. Believe me, I am terribly ashamed of myself for that. This chair is the last, best chance to forge any kind of meaningful relationship with the only father I'll ever have!
Now just hold on for a minute!
Oh well, what else can you do? You'll have to cancel the performance. Too bad. I'll just take this along with me.
Well, I'm sure somehow the American theatre will survive. You can't do the show without Dr. Armstrong, he's too important to the plot. I know, that's the part I played.
Well, yes I... Oh, no-no-no-no-no, you're not thinking...
I-I'm sorry, it's out of the question!
But it's been years. I hardly can remember any of the lines.
And you are...?
Of course. Forgive me, I'm not quite myself until I've shaved and showered.
Miss Moon! For future reference, if you could just keep your ablutions on a need-to-know basis? Thank you. Now, my coffee.
Good morning to you too, dad.
Hey, this isn't my coffee. Where's my finely-ground Kenya blend from Starbucks?
Didn't that just dress it up?
Oh, no, dad, dad, look, all I ever have is a bran muffin, and a touch of yogurt.
Ah yes, the Crane family specialty. Fried eggs swimming in fat, served in a delightfully hollowed-out piece of white bread. I can almost hear my left ventricle slamming shut as I speak.
No. I'd like to leave some blood flow for the clot to go swiftly to my brain. Can't have my coffee, can't have my breakfast, Oh god, it wasn't a dream. I'll get him for this. And his little dog, too. Where's my paper? Who's stolen my paper? Mrs. Everly, you old bat, I know it's you!
Sorry, sorry. Oh, wait a minute, this... where's the rubber band? This paper has been read.
That is not the point. Dad, dad? Come and sit down please, would you?
Oh, that's right, I forgot, you're psychic.
Let us get something clear. I am not a morning person. I have to ease into my day slowly. First I have my coffee - sans eggshells or anything else one tends to pick out of the garbage. Then I have a low-fat, high-fiber breakfast. Finally I sit down and read a crisp, new newspaper. If I am robbed of the richness of my morning routine, I cannot function. My radio show suffers, and like ripples in a pond, so do the many listeners that rely on my advise, to help them through their troubled lives. I'm sorry if this may sound priggish, but I have grown comfortable with this part of myself. It is the magic that is me.
Down Eddie, down. I said down. Good boy Eddie, just get down. Good good, Eddie get down. Eddie, GET DOWN! Dad, dad, I can't read my paper, Eddie's staring at me.
I'm trying to.
Don't even think about it!
You're listening to Dr. Frasier Crane. Our topic today is... intrusion. Those who encroach on our sense of personal space. The neighbor who plays his stereo too loud. The person who sits next to you in the movie theater when there are fifty other vacant seats. Now let's return to our calls, and let me remind you once more, that our topic today is intrusion, since so many of you seem to be forgetting that.
Hello Leonard, I'm listening.
Yes Leonard, and your comments on intrusion?
Well Leonard, it sounds like you may have a very serious condition known as agoraphobia. But you're not alone.
Listen Leonard, I'm afraid your problem is too difficult to deal with in the time we have remaining, so if you stay on the line, someone will give you the name of a qualified therapist. Well, that's all the time we have for today. You've been listening to Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL 780. Stay tuned for the news. Then next up, Bob “Bulldog” Briscoe and the Gonzo Sports Show. I never miss it. Yeah, right.
Oh, listen Roz, just hang on to them. I think I'll stay in here for a while. Today more than most, I feel an overwhelming need for solitude. I've got a fascinating book here, a comfortable chair and a soundproof booth.
Bulldog, what are you doing here?
Let me just get out of your way.
Yes. If only Jeffrey Dahmer had picked up a squash racquet.
That was your mother?
You talk to your mother like that?
Well, isn't that healthy.
Oh, hardly. We hardly speak at all.
Ah yes, well you know, we're just not really similar people. In fact, my brother and I are a lot more like my mother. You know, if it wasn't biologically impossible I'd swear that dad was dropped in a basket on our doorstep.
Maybe some other time. Right now, I'd like to continue my quest for solitude. I'll go somewhere where my father, Mary Poppins and the hound from hell can't find me. I think maybe I'll just go sit under the shade of a tree and read in a quiet park.
Hello. Hello? Dad? Daphne? Eddie? Could it be?
Toreador, Don't spit on the floor, Use the cuspidor-a What do you think it's for-a?
Oh, glory be. Oh, happy day. Not that I'm not delighted to see the two of you, it's just that I'm in the middle of a very exciting chapter.
No, I just poured myself a glass of wine, thank you.
Oh dad, you wouldn't find it very interesting.
Well, I haven't formed a opinion yet. Oddly enough, I'm having a little trouble getting into it.
Dad will you... Listen, I don't want to offend, but if you wouldn't mind, could you just leave me alone, let me read my book?
What are you doing?
Well, it's very annoying!
All right, all right, I'll tell you what my problem is, I can't get a moment’s peace alone in my own house.
Perhaps only evenings.
Well, of course you heard it, you're never out of earshot!
Hey, hey-hey-hey! I don't have to sit here and listen to that!
Oh right, oh well, right now it sounds very inviting!
Oh, what fresh hell is this?
I'm sorry, Niles, it's just I've been trying to read this book and it seems no matter where I alight I get interrupted.
Great. Now you've ruined the ending!
Father? You mean the man who's driving me crazy? The man who makes me dread the sight of my very doorstep? The man who just drove me out of my own home?
Niles, I don't know what I'm going to do. Dad and I had another fight. I'm afraid if we stay under the same roof together we'll do irreparable harm to the relationship we have as it is.
Well, if I didn't feel so guilty I'd, I'd do what I should have done in the first place: just move dad and Daphne into their own apartment.
Refresh me.
I still do. There isn't anything I'd like more, but he makes it impossible. I can't read my book, I can't have my coffee, I can't have any peace in my own home.
Well, I... Maybe I haven't done my best. I guess I owe that to the old man, don't I? Well ah, thanks for the chat, Niles. You're a good brother, and a credit to the psychiatric profession.
Daphne? What are my things doing here? My leather wing chair? My Kusami lamp?
Of course, of course.
Oh yes, Kyle. Well, give him my regards.
The brown one.
Well thanks, but I'm not. Ah... Dad, I'm sorry about the blow-up earlier.
You know, I guess there's no secret that there's been a lot of tension between us, and I think maybe one of the reasons is that we never have a chance to sit down and talk. And I... I thought we might have a conversation.
Yes, I think now would be a good time.
It doesn't have to be a long, drawn-out conversation, I'm talking about three minutes of your life.
Well, alright. If it'll make you any happier I will get the egg-timer and I will set it for three minutes.
Well, the idea is for us to have a normal, honest conversation like two normal people without getting on each other’s nerves. Ready? Go.
One second? That's our personal best? Let us see if we can beat it. Ready? Go.
No sports.
Agreed. Ready? Go.
Alright, alright. I'll, I'll tell you something about myself that ah, that you don't know. Ah, six months ago, when Lilith and I were really on the rocks, ah, there was a time of depression I went through that was so terrible I actually climbed out on a ledge and wondered if life was worth living. I... And then I thought of Frederick.
Good, dad.
Well, that's the point of this whole experiment. To tell one another something that we don't know about each other. Something vulnerable. Now it's your turn.
That's it? You call that vulnerable?
Oh well... I'm not talking about that kind of pain, I'm talking about your emotions, your soul. Some sort of painful, gut- wrenching experience.
Oh, God! Always the flip answer.
Well, not to me. Oh, how should I expect anything out of you? You are the most cold, intractable, unapproachable, distant, stubborn, cold man I've ever known!
Egghead? Egghead?
Oh, you are so infuriating!
Dad, I don't think you see how serious this is.
We're not getting along, and it's not getting any better. I'm not sure how to say this, but ah... I ah, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to...
Well, yes. I guess it wasn't so hard to say after all.
What?
Couple of years, huh?
Either that, or it'll seem like eternity.
Okay.
Wow. You know, in all these years you've never asked me that. I'd love to have a beer with you, dad.
Right.
Hello, Rachel. I'm listening.
Oh goody, this is sweeps week!
That is a definite “Yikes.”
All right, Rachel, Rachel, now listen. Before you go off half-cocked, let's try to remember this is a very sensitive issue for your husband. Obviously those ashes mean a very great deal to him. And although I don't believe it's appropriate that he keep them in the bedroom, I suppose you could maybe move them to another room?
Rachel, what happened?
Well, as Rachel helps Phil's wife off the floor, we have reached the end of our second hour. Now, we'll be right back after the news, so please join me again, Frasier Crane and my invaluable producer... ah...
Roz! KACL Talk radio, 780 AM.
Roz, I'm so sorry. Your name was right there in front of me and I just couldn't put my finger on it.
Well, it's been happening to me a lot lately. Last night I walked into the kitchen and I just stood there. I couldn't remember what I'd gone in there for.
I made an appointment with Timo? I don't remember that.
That is not funny!
Say what?
It is not your birthday. Oh, God. Oh God, it is. Oh, oh Roz, I'm so sorry! Let me take you out to lunch after work, okay?
That's it. I'm outta here!
No, I am not forgetting anything, thank you, Roz.
We're back.
Would either of you mind if I noodled at the piano for a bit?
Point well taken.
That's strange. For the life of me, I can't remember what the next note is. I know this piece backwards and forwards.
Oh, thank you dad. Now it's perfectly clear.
I'm sorry. Just getting fed up with this nonsense. I'm forgetting names all the time. You know, last week, twice I forgot where I parked my car.
Oh, well of course I'm getting older. We're all getting older. But I'm not that old.
Niles, I'm forty-one. That's hardly middle-aged. Middle age is more like fifty, fifty-five.
Niles, where are you two off to?
Listen Daphne, before you go, I'd like to ask you a little question here. When you look at me, um, do you see me as a young man, or as an older man?
Big surprise, I got a headache. Let me get an aspirin. The very suggestion that I'm descending into old age just because I can't remember a couple of names, or a tune on the piano.
What's on the pizza?
Good lord, dad, what are you suggesting? I'm gonna rush off to a plastic surgeon to get an eye lift and a chin tuck? Oh, dear god!
Dad, please spare me, I am a psychiatrist, I know the routine. Good lord, who is that?
My God, dad. You look like one of the Village People.
Are those love beads?
Okay, dad.
Ahhhh...
I have no idea.
Finally, something I'm glad I forgot.
Milan must be beside itself. What an innovative use synthetic fibres. I believe if you recycle these, you can turn them into milk containers.
You brought these over for me?!
I do not have a gut! I have... contours.
Oh, no.
Oh, you really think so?
Oh, well. Thank you very much, ah...?
Ah, Carrie.
...I don't really think it's me.
Well, I suppose I could try it on. But you know, just out of curiosity, how old do you think I am?
No, no, no, please go ahead.
Are you serious?
Are those Armani shirts expensive?
I'll take two!
No, I'm a psychiatrist.
Well actually, lately I've been leaning more towards Jung. Guess that's because I'm “Jung at heart.”
Gotta be the oldest joke in the psychiatrist's joke book. Can't believe I said it.
I bet you laugh at all of your customer’s jokes.
...Cute jokes or customers?
Oh, just a second, dad, I'm trying on a pair of pants. Hey, did you notice that girl who came over and asked to help us earlier?
Well you know, we just had a little conversation a minute ago and uh, I could swear she was flirting with me.
Oh no, I know a sales pitch when I hear one, and that was no sales pitch. She's definitely interested in me. Think I may have to see where this may lead.
Oh, dear. It sneaks right up on you, doesn't it? What am I thinking about? A forty-one year-old man going out with a girl that's twenty-two, twenty-three?
Yes, thank you for pointing that out, dad.
This is Dr Frasier Crane, KACL 780 talk radio, thanking you for joining us today. Up next, Bob “Bulldog” Briscoe and the “Gonzo Sports Show.” Until tomorrow, here's wishing you good mental health.
Thank goodness. I'm sure years from now we'll all remember where we were the moment we heard the joyful news.
Hi, Carrie.
They're new, Bulldog. Some of the finer department stores deliver garments to their busier customers.
Bulldog, as certain as I am that any young lady in the world would love to set your face on fire, Carrie, I believe, is here to see me.
Yes, well, I'm not sure. But I certainly look forward to running that theory by him. Well um, thank you for the pants, Carrie, and uh, do I owe you anything?
I'm very flattered that you'd like to go out with me, and uh, jeez, I think you're a beautiful young woman..
Well it's, it's our ages. I mean, how old are you?
That's not polite. I just don't think it would be appropriate for us to date.
Right. Ha-ha. Well done.
Same to you.
She's too young.
I don't expect you to understand.
No, I'm not.
You never played hockey.
Yes, isn't he though?
Me? What, are you saying I should go out with her?
Roz, what about the age thing?
Oh, come on! You see an old man walking down the street arm in arm with a beautiful young girl, what do you think?
Well, thanks for coming, Niles.
Well Niles, I'd really like to talk...
Niles, I really don't...
Okay... A Big Mac, “I'm your Venus,” and Ripple.
Gladly.
No. No-no-no, I'm fine there. By the way, you were absolutely right, Niles.
Yes. But I do have a problem. You see, the other day I was asked out by a... this twenty-two year old girl that I met in a mall.
Well, I turned her down.
Niles! No, I'm just wondering if I made the right decision. You see, I would, I would love to go out with this girl. She's fantastic. I’m just afraid of looking like some old fool chasing after a young girl. Becoming a walking mid-life crisis cliché. Running around like that buffoon Stanley Barrister.
Oh, is that not beyond the pale? I mean, that girl - how old can she be?
I saw them, it was last Tuesday night, together.
That's what's so frightening. Well, this is what I'm afraid of. People will have the same conversation about me.
Thank you, Niles. So you think it would be okay to go out with this woman?
Well, it does to me. You're my brother, I value your opinion.
Don't be coy, Niles. And will you please stop pursing your lips? It makes you look like one of those old women they carve out of dried apples.
I don't know.
Niles, you are absolutely right.
Thank you, thank you. Oh, by the way Niles, if you were stranded on a desert island, what would you choose as your favorite meal, aria and wine?
You are SO predictable.
Carrie, hi.
Well um, I could lie to you and tell you I came here to shop, but actually I came here to see you.
Well, I've been thinking a lot about you too, and I just wanted to chat a little bit about why I thought we shouldn't go out.
Well, you see, I thought I was going through a phase. You know, well, a mid-life crisis to be frank. And ah, I was afraid if I went out with you I would be trying to recapture my youth or something.
Oh no, no. Because I went back and forth, you know? I felt like a fool, and then I didn't...
And then I thought maybe you just came along because, to fill some sort of a need or something.
Exactly. So... well. All right, I asked myself a few tough questions..
And well, I finally came to a decision.
Me too!
Yes, I'm sort of like the Wizard of Oz.
...Actually, I am full of crap. I had no idea that you might have been grappling with some personal issues here. Some psychiatrist, huh? The truth is, I came down here to talk you into going out with me. I guess it's still a pretty bad idea.
...Well, you know, let's not go down that road again.
See you around.
Oh look, Roz, Roz, my brochures are here! Oh, god, very exciting! Vacation!
Ooh, yes!
I plan to leave Dad and Eddie to fend for themselves while I go off and spend an obscene amount of money being pampered like a spoiled child. I know it's self-indulgent, but what else are vacations for? By the way, what are you doing for your week off?
Why don't you just write the words "bad son" on my forehead!
You know, it's just that when I think of the relationship I have with my dad I can't help but envy the relationship you have with your mother.
Roz, are you forgetting that my father lives with me? How much more time together could we spend!
You know, in his entire life, my dad has never been to Europe. It would be a way of connecting with him if I were the one to give him that. So, what would you charge me to take him to Ireland with you?
Dad, I've had an idea and I hope you're as excited about it as I am. I want to take you on vacation!
Well, I thought an adventure might do us good, give us a chance to have some fun, maybe get reacquainted, even do a little bonding.
Well, this isn't about where I want to go, this is about where you want to go.
Dad, I give you the world!
No, I suppose not.
Well, we obviously haven't struck the right chord yet, but we will, we will. Dad, why don't you just suggest something?
Yes I do! I'll go anywhere you want to! Anywhere!
Great! We're Americans, we should see America!
A Winnebago! Hot damn, that has a real ring to it!
Then that is exactly the trip we are going to take!
Absolutely!
Oh, the final touch! I almost feel like I'm in a trailer park already!
Oh, Niles. When I agreed to see America with Dad I thought we'd be staying in five-star resorts! When I said together I meant adjoining suites!
I can't do that, he's counting on this trip too much. It was his dream, he was going to go on this trip with Mom.
Niles listen, listen. If Dad and I get into a Winnebago together only one of us will come out alive. You’ve got to come with us!
I remember a car trip we took when I was nine? We drove from Seattle to Spokane. The only thing he said to me was, "I think we've got a problem with your brother Frasier."
I don't want to disappoint him!!
Yes Dad, it's the ultimate in virtual reality programming - actual reality.
Righto, Dad.
Manly! This is mine, and it's big!
Yes, it took quite a bit of skill to use it successfully at seventy miles per hour! Never really been fond of mayonnaise since...
You know, Dad, I was wondering. What inspired you to choose that uniquely American man-made wonder, Mount Rushmore?
Niles... Niles!
You know, what Daphne is saying is what we should really be doing!
Well, you know, why should we be so beholden to maps and schedules? We should roam! America has always been enchanted with the romance of the open highway. Jack Kerouac went “on the road,” Buzz and Todd got their “kicks on Route 66!” The adventure is in the journey! We should just ramble!
So?
Lost from where? We're in a house on wheels! Wherever we go, we're home!
Dad, we didn't miss anything!
We are now on the road less traveled. From now on there is a new order! We dance to the rhythm of the road.
So is life, Dad.
Oh Dad, Dad look! There's a historical marker up ahead! Let’s stop! Let's go see it, huh?
I don't know. The only word I saw was "Legendary."
Look Dad, you seem to be missing the freewheeling concept.
We're supposed to go where the wind blows us, for god's sakes!
What is this obsession you have with covering a certain distance?
What you call relaxing seems like a man with an obsession to me! Don't you think so, Niles?
Niles! What are you doing?!
Just give me that!
Well, some dreams cannot be denied! Okay dad, alright, you're good here, you're good on my side, dad. Alright, just go ahead, ease it right over, it's never to early to change lanes... Oh my God, it must be genetic.
Why?
This wouldn't have happened if you weren't so hell-bent on getting so many miles under your belt today!
Oh, then what's your solution dad?
Dad, I can't believe that you of all people, a former policeman, are actually suggesting that we commit a felony!
Oh, yes. This is foolproof...
TEA! Why don't you just wave a crumpet in the air and start singing, "God save the Queen"!!
I don't think there's any need to be. They're waving everyone through... they're not even asking any questions!
They're waving us through... they're waving us through... they're pulling us over... they're pulling us over!
Canada, wow!
Seattle, Washington. Oh, you want to know what country? Oh, well, America! Of course! I'm quite an American really, I vote all the time, and always for the law and order guy! I...
Oh, no. Yes, yes! Well, I rented it! It's American-made, you see, I always look for that union label...
Oh, right, uh, it's right here in this little side pocket. There's the registration. Let me get my license out for you... oh, yes, here we are!
Oh yes, great idea! A high-speed chase in an eight-ton motor home! It'll make an amusing anecdote for the border guard newsletter!
All strictly on the up and up...
It was just a mistake!
Yes, but ignorance of the law is no defense so take the little dog away and we'll be off!
Absolutely.
Thank you.
They would have returned you eventually! So dad, how long 'til we get home?
Oh no, I'm okay. I though maybe we'd chat a little bit.
Well, I had my suspicions but I hoped that wasn't the case.
That's why I asked him, but that's not why he came.
“I see you've got a badge there...” “Oh, yeah!”
You know dad, there's no reason for us to cut our trip short. According to this map we're not that far from Yellowstone.
Me, too!
You mean it? Just the two of us alone?
Just you and me, father and son!
All by ourselves!
Yes, of course.
Yeah. Wouldn't be fair to leave Niles just to ramble around that old house all by himself.
Yeah, absolutely. So, how long do you figure it'll take us to get to Yellowstone?
It'll be a nice surprise for the two of them when they wake up in the morning.
Tu ma frere.
Oh Dad, I told you it's our first writing session tonight.
Dad, I've solved that problem.
I've bought you these headphones, see? You'll be able to listen to the TV, without disturbing Niles and me as we work.
He can read about the game in tomorrow's paper. Try 'em out, Dad.
Yes, and it also has another little feature that I like a lot. Watch this.
Hey, Dad! Nice shirt. Did they throw that in the last time you had your tires rotated?
Okay, okay, my turn. Hey, Dad? Remember-
Just you! Alright now, Niles, this is no time to procrastinate.
I hate to squash your enthusiasm, but don't you think before We start actually typing the book, we should discuss what the book is going to be about!
Hmm, that's right. Yeah, this has to be interesting!
Yes, and if we throw in a few references to heaving bosoms, we're bound to make Book of the Month Club.
I like the introduction idea. Dad, OK, give us a story which depicts little Frasier and little Niles at their conflicted best.
Dad, the name of the lake is immaterial.
Dad, you're missing the point here.
Dad, we just wanted the story!
Quite a resource, isn't he?
Okay, back to case histories. Well, I suppose I could go take my files out of storage after the re... Niles, is there a light bulb over my head?
No, I'm actually asking you if there's a light bulb over my head! Of course I have an idea, it's my radio show. I mean, what better source of case histories can there be? I'll just ask my listeners to call in with their personal stories of sibling conflict, and you could be my guest on the show.
In essence, yes. What do you think?
Hello, Roz.
He's going to be my guest on the show today.
OK, Roz, bye-bye, have a good show.
OK, Niles, sit down, take a deep breath and try not to spit on the mike! Hello Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. I have a very special guest with me today - my brother, the eminent psychiatrist, Dr. Niles Crane.
What the hell do you think you're doing?
I don't.
Just try to be yourself, will you? Our topic today is siblings: what makes you love them, what makes you hate them...
They could be things that are going on right now! Roz, who's our first caller?
Hello, Donald.
We're listening!
So, you were completely bald.
Amazing! Well, there you have it, Seattle - the miracle the sibling relationship spelled out in an unselfish act of head-shaving. Well, that's about all the time we have. I'd like to thank my brother Dr. Niles Crane for being here today. Niles, I would shave my head for you.
This is Dr. Frasier Crane, I'll be back tomorrow. One Crane flying solo.
Oh, it's all water under the pont-neuf.
Oh, hello Sam, you're on speakerphone.
You did! And?
Well, Sam Of course we could, but you know, they're a little rough, Sam.
Friday's fine!
My God, what are we going to do?
It's due on Friday!
Wait, wait, I just remembered a story about George and Ira Gershwin when they had to meet a deadline. They would lock themselves in a hotel room, free from distractions, and not come out until their task was complete.
I'm with you, mon frere. We cannot be intimidated by the tyranny of a blank page. All we need to get a good start here is... Room Service!
Niles, you're right! All we need is a good opening sentence. Something that will smack the reader right between the eyes and then take him on a virtual roller-coaster ride of self awareness and discovery.
“From Romulus and Remus to the Le Nain Sisters, sibling relationships have sparked psychological debate throughout the world.” Interesting.
Well, I said it was interesting. The task ahead of us now is to decide whether we'd like an interesting opening or a good one.
No! In truth I'm not. I never cared for Romulus, I never cared for Remus and the reference to the Le Nain Sisters is from the friggin' moon.
I will.
Alright, alright, put this down! "The key to a good sibling relationship is the ability to be open and honest."
Well, put that in there.
What are you doing? What was that crap about boundaries?
The thought was finished. It didn't need finishing, for God's sake. Now it's a run-on sentence.
Well, I don't!
Alright then, let me type!
Niles, you haven't written a thing all day, except to ruin a perfectly good opening sentence.
You're an incomplete thought! What happened to the iced tea?
Niles, I've just had an epiphany.
No, it's not for the book. I've just realised why so many writers become bloated alcoholic suicides. No, don't type that in.
Oh, Dear God!
No, it's dawn. It's Friday! Oh Niles, why don't we just admit it. We can't work together, there's never going to be any book!
Oh, will you get off it! Come on, the fat lady has sung! The curtain has been run down here. I'll type it for you in capital letters!
Let's just go home.
Oh, so that's what this little tantrum is all about, huh? You're jealous of my celebrity?
You're crying about something that we can't change!
Oh, let it go, Niles!
I do not have a fat face!
Well, at least I'm not SPINDLY!
You, Spindly.
Spindly!
Spindly!
You take that back!
I will make you.
Well, here's making you...
Gimme that-
Niles! Niles! Stop it! We're psychiatrists, not pugilists!
I can't believe you fell for that!
YOU STOLE MY MOMMY!
Oh my God, oh my God. Niles, I've gotta get out of here. This entire idea has been a fiasco since the start. It's the stupidest idea you ever had, I should never have agreed to it! Goodbye!
Morning, all.
Why shouldn't I be?
Dad, the mark of a pure man is that one that realizes he can't control his circumstances, he can only control his response.
I do not have a brother! I'm an only child!
What are you doing here?
I'm not paying any of this!
And you're a no-talent hack.
Dad, that's all very nice...
Yes Dad, I suppose there is. Niles, would you like a muffin?
Alright! Niles, sorry things didn't work out with the book. You have no reason to feel inferior to me. You're an accomplished psychiatrist, a decent man, and you stand second to no-one.
Oh, what the heck!
Gee, I'm sorry, Blake. When I told you to close your eyes and visualize that you were on a tropical island, I didn't realize you were calling from your car phone.
Well, I'm glad you're alright. And thank you for your call.
Well, look who's popped into the booth! It's Gil Chesterton, KACL's own food critic - which means, it's my cue to hit the road. So, till tomorrow, this is Dr. Frasier Crane, wishing you... a good day... and-and good health.
Hello, Gil.
Thank you. That's very kind.
Much like her own.
No, no, thank you. I'll be fine tomorrow.
Yes. I don't like his phony British accent much, either.
I just don't trust him. Nobody's that nice unless they want something from you.
Oh, yes! He was very generous to Bonnie Weems! Bought her a case of wine, asked her to let him have her timeslot when she was off on vacation. When she got back, she had been banished to the midnight to four a.m. slot!
I'm just saying we should watch our backs. How would you like to work from midnight to four a.m.? What would happen to your social life? Those are your peak hours!
No, I'm not.
I'll see you tomorrow, Roz.
Morning, Dad, Daphne.
It's just a little bug.
Don’t worry, Dad. As you've often said, "if you can walk, you can work." Took kind of an ironic twist the day you got shot in the hip!
Well, I'm out of here.
Well, I didn't get injured playing soccer.
Dad, Daphne, thank you, thank you. But I'm a physician. I believe that I am the best monitor of my own condition. I'm fine! Fit as a fiddle!
I'm sick...!
I just bet you do.
Dad, you know, you don't have to sit in here with me all day.
Thank you for reminding me, Daphne.
Thank you, Dad.
No, no thank you.
Wouldn’t that have been a tragedy? You wouldn't be here with me now!
A little more ginger ale, please.
Oh Daphne, this time make it shaved ice, not cubes. And I don't like those straws. Can I have the bendy kind? And the saltines, they're too salty. I need the low-sodium.
Niles! Put the hanky down, for God's sake! It's not the plague!
I can see why her village is remote!
Oh, Niles, would you mind?
Oh, hello Eddie! For once I'm actually glad to see you! Here.
Hello.
Awful, thank you.
I knew it, I knew it! Geez... OK, Roz, you can count on me. I'll be there tomorrow.
OK, I'll be in tomorrow.
Oh, I just don't trust Gil Chesterton. I think he's after my timeslot. Oh Niles, will you stop it with the alcohol!
I just can't let that smarmy little chowhound do my show for another day! Oh God, anybody would be better! Niles, Niles, would you do my show for me?
Oh, no! I filled in for you when you were too sick to meet with your "Fear of Intimacy" group!
Oh, I guess you're right. It's probably a bad idea. Doing my show requires a set of abilities that you just don't possess. You have to be able to size up your patients very quickly, and then dispense your advice in an entertaining and insightful manner.
Then you're not going to do my show?
Listen to him! He's terrible!
Oh, it could go up to a hundred and five, I couldn't be better! My timeslot is safe. Niles is as dry as this toast you brought me - with the crust still on. I'm sure when I’m ready to go back, they'll send a limo!
Perfect, thank you. Oh Daphne, Daphne, look. Here, take these tissues away. I, they hurt my nose. I want that kind with the little moisturizer droplet between the sheets. And the rose petals in the humidifier - I think they're starting to wilt.
Good? Good?! The little rat is scintillating! Oh, why couldn't he just do what's expected of him for once and stink?! He's even better than Gil Chesterton! Oh, God - they're trying to make me look bad!
No! No! It's made me clear-headed. I’ve gotta get down there, go to that station, reclaim what's rightfully mine!
There'll be no more filling in by anybody! No way, no how! No way, no...
Oh, who's going to stop me?
Oh, how are you - a man with a limp and a cane - going to stop a man in the prime of his life?
As you know, I was out sick most of the week, and I'd like to take this opportunity to express my sincere gratitude to Gil Chesterton and to my brother Niles for doing such a great job of filling in for me.
I really appreciate it, guys.
Well Roz, now that I'm back to normal and feeling great, who's our first caller?
Let's just hear what Sonya has to say...
DAPHNE! DAPHNE!
I had a dream! I had a dream! They are plotting against me!
Oh, that's just what you want me to think! You're probably in league with Niles! I know about the two of you! Oh, you pretend not to know, but you know!
I’ve gotta get back down there and take my show back!
Yes, well, these prescriptions will take care of that and more. Now here, run down to the drugstore, post-haste!
That's only until I take a couple of these!
Thank you! But the moment I give a fig for what you think is the day that England produces a great chef, a world-class bottle of wine, and a car that has a decent electrical system!
Are you done?
Then scurry on down to the drugstore and get those filled while I get dressed!
Well, it's no wonder. I've taken some wonder drugs, I feel wonderful! So I'm going to go do my show now - so ta-ta, Pieman!
Hello, Niles. I've come to take back the reins of my show, so you can just scoot out of there.
I'm fine! It's just that the drugs I took have some minor slide effects...
Whoa! Ha! It wasn't doing that before!
All right... OK...
Maybe... maybe the two of you could help me find someone to drive me home?
Hello, Seattle, I'm back! This is Dr. Frasier Crane. I promise I will never leave you again... so, let's take our first caller. Hello, I'm listening.
And your name is?
Oh, I'm sorry. We've already had a Robert on the show today. Goodbye!
Who is this?
Well, Janice, what's your problem?
Boring!
I'm - I'm, I'm doing my show! I can't! I'm on the air!
But it’s my show, it's my booth... Hey, this is fun! Ha! Make it go faster! Whee!
Daphne! Daphne!
I had another dream! I dreamt I went down to the station all doped-up and tried to take over my show and made a big fool out of myself, and they-they dragged me out of there like a lunatic in a butterfly net!
Oh, Daphne. Can I have a little lemonade? With fresh lemons and maybe a little sprig of mint?
Is Maris lost again?
It's kinda busy, any chance of getting a table?
Show me the look.
It must be a riot on camping trips!
No, go right ahead.
Yes, I'm thinking. It's a seemingly complex question.
Yes, it is.
Are you happy?
Oh, let's not just gloss over that. You, my only brother, has just told me you're not happy and it pains me to hear that, so why?
Do you like them?
Well, I'm not much of a tassel guy.
I don't think so.
Hmm, yes.
Oh, I wouldn't say that's true. In a word... forget it.
I'd rather not.
So, you really do love her?
You mean it's not human?
I'm told it was a lot like that near the end in the Hitler household.
Aw, well...
Hi, Roz.
Oh, let me guess, a man?
Yes.
Ah! Love at first sight!
Oh, Roz, honey, you say that about every guy you meet. Let's just see if this one calls back.
Good Luck!
Niles, it isn't a question of liking or not liking. She despises you!
I think you may be onto something there, Sherlock!
Roz, yes she's very attractive.
Roz and me? No!
Oh well, I'm a normal man with normal urges. She does have a silk blouse that falls open a bit when she leans over the cart rack. But mixing work with romance, I don't know, is it ever worth it?
Good work there, Niles!
Oh, just something that happened the other morning. I asked dad to pass me a bran muffin. You know what he said to me? He said, "What's the magic word?"
He didn't think it was very amusing when I said "rest home!"
”Wow!” Did you say “Wow?”
Oh, absolutely. It means you're a gay man. Your life with Maris was a charade and you should have come out of the closet years ago. Are you going to tell dad or shall I?
Well you know, as long as we're picking at each other's scabs here, I found another one of Eddie's chew toys in my sweater cubby the other day, hairs all over my favorite pullover. I know he sleeps in there when I'm not home!
That's it, my bedroom is off limits to this fleabag.
...“to be a burden to anybody.”
Dad, please, we go through this little melodrama at least once a week. Will you just sit down, it's raining outside.
A dollar-fifty.
Oh, I tried that damn hand cream, I was so oily I couldn't get a grip on the doorknob. I awaited to be rescued, finally when some guy came in I said, "Oh God, am I glad to see you." I can't even begin to describe the look he gave me.
There it is!
Oh yeah, what's new?
Oh well, best thing to do, just ignore him when he gets sarcastic. Isn't that right, Niles? Niles?
Niles!
Not until I've had my first one, thanks! Why is it always so difficult between me and dad?
Yes I do empathize with him. I just can't help wishing I could just kick that cane out from under him once in a while and that he would land on Eddie!
I am! And you know, sometimes I do see the fruits of my labor. You know, just the other night dad was watching TV and I had fallen asleep on the couch and suddenly I stirred, I felt something on my head, and dad was standing above me stroking my hair.
Well, he said, "don't think it's time you got a hair cut, you're starting to look like bozo!" I know he was only covering though. But what do you think?
No! Do you think he was covering?
That's a little frothier than I had in mind!
Well, I asked, but it was an Olympic year. The agency was fresh out.
Niles, you're not considering leaving Maris?
Well, I suppose the situation you're in is that you'd like to stay with Maris but you'd like an affair with Daphne.
No, you can't!
Oh, I haven't answered it, have I?
Well, I guess the best way I can think of saying it is...
What's the matter?
If only it stopped there!
Oh, I'm sorry Roz, why don't you join us?
You think she's kidding, don't you? You know, I think about Roz's life and it makes me wonder about my own. I haven't been exactly burning up the social scene lately.
But what if I don't? What if I end up old and alone? I just might have to buy a funny little dog and move in With Frederick. I guess I don't need to worry about that for a while.
Well, I guess I'd have to say...
Hello dad, what are you doing back here?
I already have.
Dad, dad, listen. Has something been bothering you these past few days?
Come on, say it.
Just give it up, Niles! Dad, I'm sorry. Listen, come and have a seat.
You know what, there's no reason to stop us celebrating anyway. Tonight, we'll take you out for dinner.
Ach du lieber!
You know, dad I'd give you a ride, but I've got to stop by the station first.
Ah.
In the greater Seattle area, the number is 555-KACL. We've got a number of lines open, so please give us a call. Now who's up next, Roz?
Hello, Pam. This is Dr Frasier Crane; I'm listening.
Well, they're your husband's parents - what does he suggest?
A creative approach, but hardly a long-term solution.
Well, then you have a choice. Either you risk hurting their feelings, or you spend the rest of your life diving for cover whenever they happen to drop on by...
Who... your in-laws?
Well then, why don't you just take this opportunity to... Oh, for pete's sake! Why don't you just tell them how you feel?
Yes... ah, well, as, er, Pam belly- crawls across her living room, let's take a moment for this message from... “Carpet Fresh.”
How's that for a segue?
I just don't think it's very smart to make rude gestures at other drivers!
That doesn't matter! You, you do not antagonize a man whose bumper sticker says, “If you're close enough to read this, I'll kill you!”
Well, it didn't quite work out the way I planned, but er... Daphne, what are you doing?
Well, I appreciate everything you're doing, Daphne, but a man's knickers are certainly... Ooh... How'd you get them so... soft?
Oh, well keep up the good work!
Hello? Yes. Well, hi Niles. Well, of course you can come by! Great! I'll, I'll see you there!
Hi Niles, good to see you!
Thanks for calling first.
Ah...
Is she?
Oh well, it'd be my pleasure. Daphne, this is my brother Niles.
Niles, here's your picture...
DO YOU MIND?!
Well, we were on our way to Armani, when dad spotted this in the window of a discount clothing store.
Now don't start that again - we've been having this discussion since we were children.
Well it's not just the suit, it's, it's his taste in everything! Clothing, films, music...
Well, thank goodness we took after mum.
Well, maybe he was too busy working his tail off so that we could have the nicer things.
You know Niles, maybe it's time we tried to pay him back in some way. Expose him to some of the finer things, so that he'd stop lumbering through life like some great polyester dinosaur.
Well, we all are at some point in our lives. Remember when you used to think the 1812 Overture was a great piece of classical music?
Well, you and I have to broaden dad's horizons. Show him the world that he's only read about in TV Guide.
Perfect... but where?
Hah!
Oh, puh-leeze. Niles, you're forgetting the cache my name carries in this town.
Niles, you are so mean.
I'll just call information.
Oh. Thank you. Hello, this is Dr Frasier Crane. Yes, the one on the radio. Say... any chance of, er, getting a table for four on Saturday at er, say... eight, hmm? Merci, a bientôt ! We're in!
Dad, Niles and I and Maris would like you to join us for dinner on Saturday night at, Le Cigare Volante - it's one of the hottest new restaurants in town.
Oh dad, how do you know if you don't try it?
Yes, but, dad, it'll give us a chance to have an evening all together as a family. You know, Niles and I really want to do this for you.
We're gonna have the best time!
And won't that be nice?
So, how do the calls look today?
Oh, I love a Monday. So how was your weekend?
Roz, where do you meet these people?
Not yet.
Roz, are you ready?
Come on, we do this every Monday!
Come on!
Who's got the best talk show in Seattle?
Alright!
Well, I'll go out on a limb and take that as a compliment.
Where are you off to?
I wouldn't have pegged you as a card player.
Hi, Niles!
Where's Maris? Are you two taking separate elevators again?
Ah...
I'm sorry.
What's in the bag?
For... dad?
Sherry, Niles?
What are you doing?
She's psychic. We've decided to find it charming.
Niles, you've never had colitis a day in your life!
Ah, ah, dad, what's happened to your suit?
Er Niles, may I borrow your phone?
Thank you so much.
Yes hello, this is Dr Frasier Crane; I have a reservation tonight. I'm calling to enquire about your, minimum dress code. Crane. Frasier. Doctor! Well, what do you... we've had the reservation for over a week! They've lost our reservation.
Niles, they've already hung up.
Er, dad, I I think we'd better just er, take a rain check.
You know, on second thoughts I'm, I'm really in the mood for a good steak!
Well yes, you know, the point of the whole thing is not exactly where we have dinner, but that the three of us have an evening together as a family! Right?
Ooh, did you hear that, Niles?
Until somebody stated the obvious and said: “Hey, let's turn this place into a restaurant!”
You don't have a table for three... do you?
Yes.
Oh well, couldn't you make an exception in this case? His suit was at the cleaners-
My tie! She, she cut off my tie!
Well, why did she cut off my tie?!
Oh, boy. Well, I guess you're right, dad; it's just a tie...
Oh dear God, yes.
If you bring him two, if you bring him four - he'll send it back.
The same.
How much extra would I have to pay to get one from the refrigerator?
Could I see the other side of that one?
I know, dad, I saw the plaque by the cash register.
Wha-? We've barely touched our salads!
Oh no, no-no, that won't be necessary young lady, I'm as ready as I'll ever be...
Yes, thank you.
You're right. I'll apologize when she comes with the dessert. Which should be any time now.
I wish this was one of those times.
Well, I don't mean to complain, but...
They really look out for your health here, don't they?
Niles...
Is Maris organizing the... Arts Council benefit again, this year?
Where are they holding it?
You wouldn't be the only one!
Dad, wait!
Well, at least let us take you there!
Niles, say something!
“The Mud Pie's coming!” I feel terrible.
You know, the sad thing is, he's right about us.
You don't see anybody else driving their father out into the street to drink, do you?
Niles, we... we've gotta apologize to dad.
We'll give him a couple of hours to cool down over at Duke's, and then when he gets home, we'll, we'll settle this thing.
I'm afraid so. Well you know, the thing is, this-this is, this is good food! I mean, it's not too fancy but it's, it's, it's good, wholesome American fare!
Well, I'm game if you are!
Going to prove that we are not snobs.
Hmm?
Eat your meal!
Dad, he's doing it again! Must this dog stare at me all the time?
What is so fascinating about me? What is it? Do you imagine I am a large piece of kibble? Am I some sort of canine enigma? Think about it, get back to me.
Dad, I can't believe you're still trotting this old thing up. He's been trying to solve this case for twenty years.
There is - who the murderer was.
Hello, Niles.
Have you ever considered that maybe Maris is a bit high strung? Maybe she should see someone.
Maris.
Me, too.
OH, WILL YOU STOP STARING!
No, I missed it.
I still would have liked to have seen it anyway.
“I hate Frasier Crane.”
That's it. "I hate Frasier Crane." That's it?
Well, actually it doesn't, dad. I knew when I chose a career in the public eye that I'd be open to certain criticisms, it's the price I pay for my celebrity. Thank you, Niles, for bringing me the paper, and thank you for highlighting it in yellow! Now, who would like some wine?
Now why would he say that?
Not the salad, Derek Mann. I mean, why would he write a thing like that? I've never done anything to him, the attack is totally unwarranted. I'm a healer, for God's sake.
Dad, I have every right to feel upset about this - I will not enjoy my dinner until this is where it belongs - in the trash.
All right, Lorraine. Now, calm down and try and listen to what I'm going to say to you. Will you do that?
All right, good girl. Now your problem...
No, no. Go right ahead. Well, certainly a very interesting situation she's got herself into. Don't you think so, Roz?
All right, Lorraine. Now listen very carefully to what I'm going to tell you. Your problem seems...
For someone who's got so many problems she certainly is popular.
Hold it there, Lorraine. The reason why you want to take that other call is the same reason that you want to change your career and break up with your boyfriend. You're obsessed with what you think you're missing. The better offer, the call on the other line. Well, you've got to take one call at a time from now on. Fully explore and experience each one in its turn and you'll be a stronger person for it. Do you follow me, Lorraine?
Thank you for your call. Well, we've only got two minutes left, so I would like to end today's program on a personal note. As some of you may know, yesterday I was mentioned in Derek Mann's "Mann About Town" column. He said, and I quote, "I Hate Frasier Crane"... "I Hate Frasier Crane". What trenchant criticism. Move aside Voltaire, step back in the shadows H.L. Mencken, there's a new kid in town. One can only wonder how many hours Derek Mann sat in the glow of his computer screen before his trembling fingers sprang to life and pecked out this chef t'ouerve: "I Hate Frasier Crane." A lesser critic would have wasted our time by presenting a well thought-out, point by point, constructive critique of this show. No, not our Mr. Mann. So dear listeners, when Mr. Mann's column arrives on your front doorstep - read it, enjoy it, but above all, treasure it. For one day this man will be joining the Pantheon of the immortals. And if we're lucky... it'll be one day soon. I'm Dr. Frasier Crane.
I'm always here.
No.
You know, this is the second time in as many days that you have given me a paper. Have you ever considered getting yourself a route?
So I see. “Yesterday afternoon, Dr. Frasier Crane got on my case for not giving him a point by point criticism of his radio show. Well, he asked for it, so here goes.”
“It's hard to say what I hate most about Crane's show – his pompous, sanctimonious style, his constant self- congratulatory references to his own life, or his voice: a mock- sympathetic tone so sickly sweet one wonders if the man graduated from medical school or from some mind-controlling cult.”
I've read enough!
How can the man think something like that?
We don't want anything, thank you.
Oh, perhaps you're right. As angry as it makes me, to retaliate would be to stoop to his level. So the best response is no response at all.
“Pompous and sanctimonious,” am I?! Well, this Mann character can't even write grammatical sentences! Every five words there's one of his precious "dot, dot, dots." Must be because he likes writing all those dots with the crayon he writes this drivel in!
Well, he's just going to have to wait! I don't know who this Derek Mann thinks he is, but if he thinks he can hide behind his newspaper like some sniveling schoolchild cowering behind a tree, then I say let's expose this Derek Mann for what he is: not a man at all, but half a man! Now what line did you say Stewart was on?
Well, I'm leaving all sorts of bodies in my wake today. Let's see who's on line five. Hello, this is Dr. Frasier Crane - I'm listening.
And you are?
I see.
Are you implying that you want to fight me?
Fight, as in a fist fight?
We'll be right back after these messages.
And we're back. Well, we have a surprise caller on the line: Derek Mann.
Oh, you can't be serious.
No, I just don't think that civilized people behave that way. You know, Roz, perhaps our listeners have an opinion about that subject? Who do we have on the line?
I am not chicken!
We are mature thinking people, not cavemen!
Alright, if you want a fight so bad, I'll give you a fight! You just say the time and place!
I won't! Don't you back out either because I know where your office is too, and I know where you live, and I'll track you down! Now who else out there wants a piece of me?!
Hello, everyone.
What's going on?
Yes I did, didn't I?
Oh, I'm not actually going to go through with it, dad.
Well, I already won our little war of words. What would I stand to benefit by going through with actually going through with a fist fight?
Well, mature people are supposed to use their intellect to settle their differences.
Are you encouraging me to fight?
Yes, but I didn't even know what I was saying - I hadn't even had lunch yet.
What did you say?
I can't believe you're dragging that up - that was thirty years ago.
Oh, he was this kid in fifth grade that used to torment me!
Well, he started it by making fun of the elbow patches on my blazer!
I had a clarinet lesson!
Daphne, would you please excuse us for a moment!
Dad, I am sorry if I embarrassed you for not fighting Billy Kreizel thirty years ago. But the situation is not the same now.
I am an adult now, I've been to medical school, I hold a certain position in this city - I do not settle my differences with brawling.
Dad, I can't believe this. You won't be happy until I come home with a black eye.
Roz, why are you telling me this story?
Well, has it ever occurred to you that I might actually win this fight?
All that's missing is a mariachi band.
It's Billy Kreizel.
He's not here, Niles. It's just that I ran away from him when I was ten.
You know, I've been running ever since. You know, this is where it stops. I'm not running anymore.
Chalk it up to random violence!
Dad? What are you doing here?
Look dad, if you were worried that you talked me into something that I wasn't ready to do – well, you're wrong. You can relax. I took this on for myself.
Who told you that I was going through with it, anyway?
Thank you, Daphne. Any psychic predictions on the outcome?
He's gigantic!
Yes, yes I am.
Look, I prefer if you guys stay here. You'll only make me nervous.
Alright, I'll come along peacefully - let me just get my jacket.
Well thank you, officer, you'll have no more trouble from me.
Dad, dad, did you see me? My hands are trembling, my chest is pounding, my mouth is all dry, my knees are like jello... God, I feel great!
Yeah, I was out there. I was raring to go, you saw that...
Hello Doug, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. I'm listening.
I'm sorry Doug, can we just go back a second? You said your mother literally hangs around the house. Well, I suppose it's a pet peeve of mine but I suppose what you mean is that she figuratively “hangs around” the house. To literally hang around the house you'd have to be a bat or spider monkey. Now, back to your problem?
Not at all.
I think what he means is, that is a thing with which he has a problem. Now it's time for a station break and we'll be right back after a word from our friends at "Pizza, Pizza, Pizza."
Actually, I do most of my shopping by phone. You know Roz, this conversation with Doug has got me thinking about my father. He doesn't do much of anything either. He just sits around most of the time watching TV and doing the occasional crossword puzzle. What does your mother do?
No, really!
I guess that helps fill her day.
I don't think public office is for Dad, but maybe I could find him a hobby or something. Any suggestions?
Well, maybe I could get him a wood burning set.
Is Dad still asleep?
I think I'm just about done with this thing.
Me, too. I was walking through the hobby shop and saw this thing and it was like, "Eureka!" I actually said "Eureka!" Ah, yes. There are a million stories in the naked city. Now if we could just find a naked one.
Daphne, really. I mean, if people were so concerned about their precious privacy they wouldn't leave their blinds open at that certain angle where you can see the mirror over the mantle that reflects down the hall to the water bed in the back room!
Dad.
Dad, I got a surprise for you.
Oh, no occasion, just thought you'd like it.
Dad, Dad, forget the falcons. You can see everything that’s going on in that apartment building over there.
Oh come on, it's perfectly innocent - just think of it as a hundred more channels to watch.
Ah, you see, there's a voyeur in all of us.
What shall we do?
I knew it, I knew it, every time we do something bad we get caught!
What are you doing?
Don't do that!
What for?
Dad, Dad you shouldn't encourage this person. I don't really want people looking in on our lives. I don't think I've even made my bed today.
Thank you.
It does not say that! It does say that. Hi!
Morning Dad, Daphne. Morning, Irene.
Pityriasis Rosea.
Why?
I really don't think your girlfriend needs to know about that.
Oh, come on. You two have been exchanging notes now for the past three days. If you were in the sixth grade you would be sitting in a tree "K-I-S-S-I-N-G." Here Daphne, let me borrow that pen.
I'm going to help along your little romance and possibly save a small forest. I'm giving her our telephone number.
Why?
For God's sake, Dad, you met peeping into her apartment.
You want to bet?
Okay.
Well, are you going to answer?
Dad, it's for you!
Hello. No, no, this is Frasier. Hi. I'm fine. Well, it gets a little flaky when the weather's dry.
Dad, she knows you're home - she's looking at you through the telescope.
Really? You really think he's interested in her?
That's so cute. Oh, it's funny, you know - the twists and turns of fate. If I had tried to set Dad up with a woman he would have rejected the idea out of hand - but I go out get him this telescope for a hobby and it kindles this romance. It's Kismet!
Well?
So it would be safe to assume that you two will be seeing each other?
No? Why?
What scamps you are!
His face must have turned redder than a "Piechoné Logeavie."
That must have put a damper on the evening.
Kudos indeed.
Irene. No, they've broken it off.
Well it was, but then they spoke once and Dad said that she wasn't his type. So, it's over - done! He's completely cut her out of his life. I just don't understand what would make him do that.
Remind me again what you do for a living? You see the thing is, it was just one phone call. How can anyone make a sound judgment about another person on the basis of one phone call?
Well anyway, I suppose it could be any number of reasons. Fear of rejection, shyness...
No, Niles, I've met Aunt Patrice. The woman is a loon.
Oh, I don't think so, Niles. I know Dad, don't meddle.
I'm not driving out to your house.
You left her in the car?!
Well, then she's fine.
Now calm down son, listen to daddy. It's just a bad dream. I promise you, Senator Thurmond is not in your closet. That's a good boy. Yes, okay you go back to bed now. I love you too. Listen, I'll see you next weekend. Okay, bye bye.
Oh, Frederick is fine. Oh, he sends his love. He said to thank you for the toy gun you gave him. At least what he can remember of it before Lilith smashed it to bits with a croquet mallet.
Oh, oh, she's holding a note. It says, "Martin, was it something I wrote?"
Oh alright Dad, no she isn't, but she might as well be, for god’s sakes. That's gotta be what she's thinking!
Yes, five years after I married her.
Niles - I was specifically not expecting you.
Well, of course. Aunt Patrice, yes. I don't recall really when we met but I believe there was a lot laughing and dancing.
Yes... well, of course, the laughter was to hide our tears. Let me take your wrap.
Niles, I distinctly told you not to bring her here.
Niles, that woman is certainly not Dad's type.
Oh come on, Niles. We can't leave Dad out there alone with her any longer.
What did she say?
Dad, do you still have your gun loaded?
Er, that won't be necessary, Daphne. We don't want to spoil our appetites for that dinner we're about to leave for in twenty minutes.
You know, I saw what you just did.
When Patrice went to hug you, you moved away.
No, Dad, no. You moved away from the window. You didn't want Irene to see you with another woman. You still care about her.
Dad, you do. There's something stopping you from having a relationship with this woman. Now, what is it?
No, I'm not!
So? Rose is a nice name. Rose was mother's middle name. Oh.
Oh Dad, you can't feel guilty about that. Gee, mom's been gone for six years now. Your feelings for Irene are totally severed from your feelings for Mom. You know, if she was here, if she could tell you, she'd want you to get on with your life.
Well, thanks Dad. You know, there's something I don't say often enough...
Right, Dad.
Dad, Dad, will you hurry up? She's going to be here any minute.
Well, the wardrobe’s a little different - but your ultimate goal is still the same! Dad, I'm glad you changed your mind about this.
My pleasure.
Now let's see, you got a hanky in there?
Terrific, alright. Have you got your keys?
You're not going to be out too late, are you?
Dad, I'm just busting your chops here.
You're listening to KACL 780 on your AM dial. This is Dr. Frasier Crane. All our lines are open, so please, give us a call. I'm just sitting here waiting. Hey, Seattle, c'mon, I know you're out there. Hey, look, I realise it's a sunny day but on all those rainy days, I was there for you. Well, alright then, if that's the way you want it, you leave me no recourse... "When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie-"
That seems to have gotten you going there, okay! Alright then, I knew you were out there. Okay, Roz, who do we have?
Sorry to hear that, Gar. I'm listening.
Ahh, Italia - the rolling hills of Toscana, the art Firenze, the passion that is Venizia...
Oh, listen, Gary. Let me stop you right there. I'm afraid I'm going to have to side with your wife on this one.
Gary, there is more to life than sump-pumps. Whatever happened to feeding our souls? Look, for example, I recently purchased a painting by one of this country's premier artists – oh, it's not important who. Well, it's Seattle's own Martha Paxton, but... Practical? No. But ever since acquiring that painting, I look at it every day and there's not a moment when I do that I'm not uplifted by its beauty. So Gary, go to Italy, bring back a suitcase full of memories. Will you do that?
Well then, yes, Gary, you... you should get the sump-pump! We'll be right back after this newsbreak.
Roz, just what is a "sump-pump?"
Yes indeed, I do own a Paxton.
My God, Roz, she's the preeminent Neofauvist of the twentieth century! How could you put her on hold?
Yes, hello, Miss Paxton. I'm so sorry to have kept you waiting. Well, thank you. I'm very flattered that you listen to my little show. Yes, well, yes, I meant every word. Yes, that's lovely, I'd like to meet you, too sometime. As a matter of fact, I'm having a few friends over for a little gathering this Friday night, for cocktails and such. Well, I suppose you're far too busy to... you would! Oh, that's marvelous. Alright, that's the Elliot Bay towers on the Counterbalance. Around seven is just fine. And, well, I'll see then then. Ciao!
That makes two of us!
That's a delightful story, Daphne, but I think the toast points need replenishing.
My God, Niles, why is no-one eating the Mussoline of Duck?
Oh, you mangy little cur!
Look, Niles, the dog is eating the food, the pianist is too intrusive, the Pinot Noir is far too stagey and it's five past seven and Martha isn't even here yet!
No, I'm just a bit on edge, I want everything to be so perfect. By the way, where's Maris? I haven't seen her all night.
My bed?
Niles, she's supposed to be looking after dad. That's the only reason you're here, remember?
That must be la Paxton - and fashionably late, of course.
Oh hi, Roz, it's you. And you look radiant.
Couldn't you have just done that in the elevator? Oh, my goodness, Roz, you've got a neck. Gee, so what do you think of the place? Is it everything you imagined it would be?
Would you like a drink?
Oh, well, he's the older gentleman over there talking to Bethany van Pelt, showing her the photographs. Oh my God!
Would you excuse us, please? Dad, will you stop showing these crime scene photos? You're embarrassing me.
Oh, she brought it up? Bethany van Pelt - the head of the Junior League - brought up the subject of a hooker whose body was hideously dismembered and scattered all over an abandoned warehouse.
Dad, dad, please!
Alright, if you give me your word, that's good enough for me.
You watch him!
Of course, who else could you be? Welcome to my salon. Everyone, everyone, your attention, please. I'd like you all to welcome our guest of honour, the renowned artist - Martha Paxton.
May I take your... poncho?
Oh, how delightfully eccentric! You must meet my brother, Niles. Oh, Niles?
"Live with my work" - I love that phrase. If you would, right this way, please. I think this is the perfect spot for an ideal viewing. Oh God, I've waited so long for this moment - I'm just going to stand back and let you describe your work - "Elegy in Green" – in your own words. The way you insinuate the palette but never lean on it, you capture the zeitgeist of our generation. It is the most perfect canvas it has ever my privilege to gaze upon. I mean, one can only imagine what inspired you to paint it.
Of course you didn't. You-you created it, you gave birth to it.
What?
Dad, do you mind? I've just suffered the most humiliating evening of my life. I've been been made a fool of by this, this, this... thing.
Well, enjoy it while you can because, first thing in the morning, this is going back to the dealer where I bought it. I'm demanding my money back - no-one is going to take advantage of Frasier Crane.
Well, Dad, I appreciate the gesture but, really, what do you know about the art world?
Are you the owner?
How do you do, I'm Dr. Frasier Crane. I happen -
Guilty. Yes, but -
It would be my pleasure but, speaking of autographs, I have a small problem with this painting.
Well, actually I -
Well, I'd really rather not have any wine at this moment -
Well, that's rather nice, isn't it? Finishes well.
No, no, no, thank you. I'd... getting back to my problem - I recently gave a small but elegant soiree at which Martha Paxton was in attendance, you see. She told me that this painting was not her work.
I doubt you can, Mr. Hayson.
Yes, I'm sure she was but, you see, it's not a Paxton!
Martha Paxton says that it is not a Paxton.
As a Crenshaw melon, yes.
No, I don't want any wine. I want to discuss this painting.
No, I don't want any brie! I want my money back.
But, in this case, you're willing to make an exception.
Yes, but it's a forgery.
Alright, alright, I'm going to make this simple - I want my money.
Oh, I know what you're doing - you're "handling" me. You're agreeing with everything I say hoping I'll tire and go away.
I don't believe it! You're shining me on. You are shining me on! Where is the fairness of this, where is the justice?!
What? Did a crate of freshly-painted Rembrandts just arrive?! Damn it, you're not getting away with this! I am not leaving. I am not leaving! I am NOT leaving.
They wouldn't take it back. All I got was some attitude and a cheap glass of wine - Loire valley, my ass.
Well, they've forced my hand. I'm going to call the police.
Thanks, Dad. Try to mess with Dr. Frasier Crane, I'll teach them. Hello, yes. Oh, just a second. Dad, who do I ask for?
Hello, yes, the fine arts forgery department, please.
Dad, they're laughing at me.
What was that?
Yes, Dad, but what am I supposed to do? I've been cheated!
What were you two doing back there?
Yeeeess?
No one stampeded! They were all just good guests, they knew when to leave.
Oh, shut up, Niles!
Yes. Gee, I know, Niles. What is the name of that really vicious lawyer that you use?
Well, the meanest.
Right. Ah, just give me his number, will you?
God, I hate laywers!
Say, I know, I know. I can use my radio show - why didn't I think of this earlier? I can use my bully pulpit to expose that man for the fraud that he is!
Damn it, Niles, where is the justice? Where am I supposed to turn to? I'm a, a beloved household personality and I've been screwed!
Yeah well, that file's getting pretty thick!
So that's that, huh? Hayson just gets away with it. He's sitting there now with his brie and his wine and his little chuckle at my expense. Gosh, you know, I finally understand why people take matters into their own hands. It would be so satisfying right now to just... slash his tires, or... throw a brick though his window or something. Just so he'd learn that you don't do this to people and get away with it.
Good evening. Lovely night, isn't it? Yes, well, goodnight.
Niles, what the hell are you doing here?
I will not! Niles, look, I know this is wrong but I don't care! It's the only thing left for me!
Why don't you just go away? This is no concern of yours.
How?
Niles, why are you telling me this?
I said that?
And let him get away with this?!
Well, Niles, if you were strong enough to show restraint after so much humiliation, not to mention the nicknames.
Oh, you didn't know that? Oh dear God, yes. Uh, "Peachfuzz," "Jingle Bells" - I can't remember the rest.
Yes, I believe Coach Medwick made that one up himself. Well, anyway, here you are. I won't be needing this anymore.
My God, Niles! What are you, what have you done?!
Niles, what are you doing now?
Come on, come on! GO, GO, GO, GO!
It's 4:25 and this is Dr. Frasier Crane. Roz, who's our next caller?
Hello Hank. I'm listening.
Yes, you are on the air.
Hank, listen. Turn down your radio and just talk into your phone.
Listen, Hank please, you won't be able to hear yourself, we're on a seven-second delay.
Oh, for crying out loud. Thank you, Hank. People, would you please turn off your damn radios. No, I mean just those of you who are calling in! Roz, who's our next caller?
Hello Marco. I'm listening.
Close enough. What is your problem, Marco?
What's holding you back?
"Somebody better comes along.” Somebody better comes along?! Marco, Marco, Marco, do you hear yourself?
Well listen, I suggest you give your motives a thorough examination, and if you can't commit, it's best for both of you to break it off. Thank you for your call. Tell me listeners, what is it with guys like that? Hey Roz, you've been around the block a few times. You ever run into a guy like Marco?
Come on. I mean, if that were so, then no-one would be having a relationship.
What do you think, Seattle? Are there any non-Marcos out there? Or is Roz here destined to live a life of hopeless, loveless spinsterhood? Back after this.
Excuse me, excuse me. Exactly how long have I been asleep?
What picture?
Oh, oh right.
I am not putting this on my head. For God's sake, I mean, I'm a respected professional.
Oh, I think the ship has already sailed on that one.
You can't tell me what to do.
No, look, the days are past when you can just sit me on top of some stupid old Packard and make me wear matching sweaters with my little brother.
It's October 21st!
Well, I can always pray there's a postal strike.
Well, that's just about it for today. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, saying go on out there and make it a great evening, Seattle.
Oh, God. Save me from my adoring fans.
Ooh... ooh, but not from the adorable ones.
Niles, please don't try to be hip. You remind me of Bob Hope when he dresses up as the Fonz.
Her name is Catherine.
Three days.
No. As if it's any of your business.
Well, yes. Soon.
Of course we are.
Yes!
Well, I mean, it was one of those funny things, she came down to the radio station to chew me out.
No. A few days earlier her boyfriend had called into the show, and I advised him to break up with her.
Marco is not a patient, he's a caller. There's a huge difference. Besides, I talked to him days before I met Catherine.
Oh, rationalization, is that what you're going pull now?
Oh Niles, I am not rationalizing! There is nothing wrong here.
Well frankly, I don't care about your conscience. I don't need your approval, I don't need you to like it. Frankly, I don't need you for anything. By the way, Niles, my car's in the shop, I need you to give me a ride home tonight.
Marco?
I'm not talking to him. I don't want to talk to him. There's no way I'm talking to him.
Hi, we're back. Roz, whom do we have on the line?
Who's this on line three?
Thank you, Roz. Hello, Marco.
Well, what can I say but, ah... Bravo, Marco! Roz, who's our next caller?
What makes you think she's seeing someone else?
Did you, ah... get a good look at the guy?
No! What I mean is, ah... no. Marco, you don't want your ex- girlfriend back, you just don't want anybody else to have her. Isn't that true?
No, it's called jealousy, Marco. Now you've got to stop spying on your ex-girlfriend and get on with your life. Borrow a page from my book - ah, move to a new city, a new state. Find out why everybody's talking about Pittsburgh!
We'll be right back after these messages.
What?!
Thanks for coming to get me, Niles.
I see.
Well, that's an interesting question, Niles. And I'll tell you something. I don't care. I'm in love, and I don't care. Catherine is mine now. I'm in, and Marco's out.
Perhaps. But you just ran a stop sign. Now we're in the middle of the intersection. I'll tell you, Niles, I, ah... I haven't Felt this way in ages. There's an excitement about this. I, I feel tingly.
My stomach?
Well, at least when it came to ethics I didn't get spontaneous nosebleeds.
Ah, but you see, Niles, you've proved my point. I'm not the least bit queasy, I'm fine. My head, my heart, my gastrointestinal system, they're all shouting the same thing - It's okay! Niles? Niles, this is a new car?
How I envy you, Eddie. The biggest questions you face are “who's going to walk me?” “Who's going to feed me?” I won't know that kind of joy for another forty years.
Danielle, you're going to have to slow down a little bit, I'm having a hard time understanding you.
Excuse me, with your what?
Your mithyuer?
Is that your mother?
Your masseur? Your Mercedes?
Well Danielle, I, I, um... the best advice I can give you is to umm... either confront your mithyuer, or um, work on your self-esteem. Thank you for your call. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, saying go out and have a good night, Seattle. You deserve it.
Roz! Aren't you screening these calls?
You look nice.
Oh, great... Why are you only wearing one heel? Did you break it off?
Okay, so who is this guy? Another one of those trendy young kids who's got three earrings and a ponytail, wearing a T-shirt under his sports coat?
Roz! Where do you meet these people?
You met him on a bus, didn't you?
Hi, Niles. You remember Roz?
Madame, your chariot awaits. Well, we better get going, Niles.
Oh. Well, I can't say I'm really disappointed. I wasn't relishing the idea of three hours on “Right brain, Left brain synergy.”
Well, it's no use crying over spilt milk. Now... we've got a free evening. This sound like the perfect opportunity for a couple of guys on the loose to, ah... hit a sports bar, have a couple of brewskis, maybe take in a game or two.
Dinner?
Oh, it's your turn to pay, isn't it?
Thank you.
No, it's fine, Niles.
Oh Niles, Niles. Sit down. Lavender soap - for God's sake, you're a man, you'd look ridiculous.
Fuzzy Navel, blended nice and frothy, please. And a... martini, Niles?
Just sit down.
God, you're right. Gee, that's strange, he said he was going over to Duke's to have a beer with a couple of the boys.
The sly boots. He had a date, and he didn't want us to know.
What are they doing?
Why, what are they doing now?
You know, I wonder if it's their first date?
Why, what are they doing?
Oh, yeah. That's a Crane first date all right.
She did look familiar.
Marion Lawler? My God, I haven't heard that name since I was a kid.
They did, they did. It was that last summer we shared a cabin with them at the lake.
And doing his usual bang-up job.
No, Niles. If we leave now, he's sure to spot us. You know, Niles, maybe you should have that martini after all.
Not anymore, they just towed your car.
Well, Eddie. Glad to see my rules about the couch are finally taking hold.
Good dog. Dad? Daphne?
Hello, Daphne. Say, where's Dad?
Oh, great. He's finally getting to know some of the neighbors.
What are you staring at?
No, I don't think it would suit me.
You've never seen me with one.
And it looked good?
I assume you're here for a reason?
I don't recall that.
Well, I had to, what with you underneath the covers with a flashlight looking at the National Geographic.
That's what makes it so scary. Now what was your point?
“Though summer at the lake seems but a vapid, vacuous experience, it is a necessary tonic for my troubled youth...” Niles, how old were you when you wrote this?
Well...
Amongst other things.
Oh, come on, Niles. Look, I appreciate your attempt to spice up our family history, but really - look, we're not a Jackie Collins novel, it's ridiculous.
Yeah, that was our dad.
Look, we don't know for sure if that was Mrs. Lawler. And besides, even then it wouldn't prove that Dad had an affair with her.
Oh, Niles has this theory that Dad had an illicit affair when we were youngsters.
Well, that's what I think. Besides Niles, there's not enough proof.
Oh, anything is possible.
Right. “Good evening, father. By the way, did you boff one of the neighbors while we were roasting marshmallows?”
Oh, no.
No, Niles, we are not calling Aunt Vivian.
Yes. That she knows where I live and that she still drives.
You were with me!
No, no Dad, we were just having dinner together - at the same time when you were supposed to be having some drinks with your buddies at Duke's.
No, no. But Niles dug out his journal and then he remembered this time when he saw you and her hugging, and it was right around the same time when you and Mom seemed to be fighting a lot.
Oh, thank you.
How am I doing? How are you doing, Niles? Doesn't it bother you that your father cheated on my mother?
The point is, that it must have caused Mom a great deal of pain.
I know that rationally I should be able to handle this. I deal with people who exemplify human frailty every day.
But in this case it's not people, is it? One of our parents had an illicit affair. How could he cheat with Marion, knowing the effect it would have on Mom, not to mention the repercussions it would have on you and me later on... Why don't you just pull up a chair and join us?
I just can't believe that it's our father. You know, I never had a great relationship with him. But if there was one thing I always respected about him, it was his integrity. Just thinking about what they did, it just sickens me.
Thank you Niles, but I think I just need a night to myself.
Well, I see all sorts of things have been going on behind my back!
Yes.
Yes, I remember you.
Ah, no. but if you come back later you can have the place to yourselves.
Oh, I think you've already done that.
Would you come in for a moment, please? After you met with Dad the other night, ah, he and I had a little conversation. That was the first time I learned what happened that summer.
Well... I guess I'm not the sort of person who can hear news like that and just sweep it under the rug and forget about it.
Forgave them?
Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know.
Yes, well I rarely get to the shore anymore.
Goodbye.
Hi, Dad. You look kinda tired.
Ah, listen Dad, do you have to watch the TV right now?
Well, you know, if either of us could work the VCR, we'd tape it. But, ah, just for now there's something I'd like to talk to you about.
Dad. Why didn't you tell me the truth?
Marion Lawler came by today. She wanted to apologize for the other night. While she was here, she... she told me what really happened.
Why didn't you tell me it was Mom?
Look dad, I don't blame you for being defensive, but I had a right to know. For your information, this sort of thing happens to a lot of people. If it’s any consolation, I know exactly how you feel. I never told you this but, um... Lilith did the same thing to me.
The most painful and humiliating experience of my entire life. Well, I'm sure you felt the same way.
I found her attractive. I mean, is it so inconceivable that another man might find her attractive as well?
Oh, God. A Frenchman who lived in a self-contained underground eco-pod.
I'm sorry, dad.
So did I.
Well dad, I appreciate what you did, but ah, I still think you should have told me.
Oh, no. Just one second. There's one thing I gotta clear up. There's this photo album here, there's all these pictures with the same woman that's been cut out of them, you see this?
Oh. Oh, that was mom?
You know dad, ever since you moved in we've been trying to find something that we have in common. I think we've finally found it.
So do I.
Roger, at Cornell University they have an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the tunneling electron microscope. Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building blocks of our universe. Roger, if I were using that microscope right now... I still wouldn't be able to locate my interest in your problem. Thank you for your call.
And now, “Hungry for Chinese tonight? I always”... Uh, I'm sorry, I just - we're experiencing technical difficulties. Let's go to a pre-recorded commercial message.
Roz, why did you hand me this copy? I don't do personal endorsements.
The other personalities aren't doctors. If I allow myself to become a common pitchman, I lose all my credibility. I am a wise man, a shaman.
Look who's here, Roz. Noel Coward.
The money is irrelevant. It's a question of integrity.
What is this with my name on it here, Roz?
Wow.
They pay you that much money just to read some copy?
Damn it! I just put a dent in my front bumper when I pulled into my parking space. Does anybody know what happened to that tennis ball I hung over my space so I wouldn't pull up too far?
Dad, Daphne, a situation has arisen over at work and uh, I'm not sure how it should be handled. I was hoping maybe your objective viewpoint could uh, be helpful.
Well, what would you think if I did a commercial and publicly endorsed a product?
Thank you Daphne, one against. Dad?
Well, the station wanted me to do a commercial for a Chinese restaurant.
Well, I hold a position of trust in this community, and people do what I tell them to, and I would hate to be accused abusing that position. The thought of a doctor selling things is kind of distasteful, don't you think?
Dr. Sneezy is a cartoon character. The fact that he's a giant purple hippopotamus should have probably tipped you off.
Well, you know, I'm tempted, if for no other reason than to keep Bulldog from further alienating the Asian-American community. I just want to make sure I don't compromise my principles.
Well, yes.
I suppose that's the logical approach. Why don't the three of us go tonight? I'll make a call. Oh, I'd better make the reservations under a different name, I don't want any special treatment, you know. I want them - I just want to be treated like an average working Joe. Good evening... Yes... yes, we'd like a reservation for three this evening at eight. Oh, nothing 'til ten? Oh, well then, ah, this is Dr. Frasier Crane... from the radio, and ah... Yes, I thought you might. Thank you. We're in at 9:45.
Did I say tasty? Tasty doesn't do justice to those succulent pot-stickers. And the kung pao chicken - ooh, don't get me started. “So if you've got a yen for Chinese tonight, hurry on down to the Hunan Palace.” Well, that's it for today. This is Dr. Frasier Crane hoping we'll see you tomorrow, on KACL 780 AM.
You know Roz, I think I'm getting the knack for doing these promos. Did you hear that little ad-lib I did about the “yen” for Chinese food?
Well... Did I tell you, I got a call from the owners of the Hunan Palace the other day, they said that since I started doing these commercials their business had gone up by 30 percent.
Yes it is, Miss Sour-Britches, give me a little credit. My God, I've pleased the boys upstairs, I've gotten perfect strangers to try a new restaurant, and most importantly, I've helped a struggling immigrant family who came to these shores a mere twelve years ago, with nothing more than a dream, a few recipes, and a wok.
Excuse me?
Ah. Ah, well. Pleasure meeting you.
Well, I really don't think so.
It's not that I'm not flattered, Miss Glaser, but umm... you see, I'm not really a radio personality per se.
Thank you. Uh... but I, you see, I dine at the Hunan Palace frequently, and uh, that's the only reason I did those commercials.
Well, I don't mean to offend...
Well, I really don't think that's necessary.
Well yes, I have a five year-old son.
Worry about what?
Well no, no. I plan to send him to my alma mater, Harvard.
Well, you know, maybe we should talk, sometime.
You see, it's not that I object to doing commercials, it's just that I would have to try a product first before I could endorse it.
Because if I do the commercial I have to say that my friends and family enjoy this, and I won't say it unless it's true.
Well I apologize for that, but it's the best place to try one. So, tell me the truth. Aren't you two enjoying this?
Dad, did you know that this unit is made from the same heat resistant space-age polymer that's used on the NASA space shuttles?
Well? Do you like it?
That's all I needed to hear. My friends like it, my family likes it - I like it. I can do the commercial and Frederick can go to Harvard. Oh my god! Isn't that Dave Hendler from our building? You know, he's the head of the Seattle Psychiatric Association.
Well? What do you think?
Dad? How about you?
Really?
You really, really like it?
Well, what was wrong with it?
You hated it, didn't you?
Bebe.
Oh... hello.
Oh, no no no no no. Bebe, this is Daphne Moon, my father's physical therapist. Well, I believe I was about to kiss you for something.
Ooh...
How do you know that?
Daphne, Daphne, just get back here. You what?
The woman is like an artichoke. You just peel away one astounding leaf after another. Well anyway, back to business. What have you got for me?
Oh, dear. Oh, I can't endorse these.
Well, for one thing I don't like them, and they're sixty percent fat, they're laced with salt and they wreak havoc with my diverticulitis.
I'm sorry, I'm afraid I can't.
Five figures?
Television?
Well I-I... I don't mean to be difficult, I do have my standards, you know? I only endorse things that I like or... or I think are therapeutic, like the hot-tub.
Well...
I've never been one hundred percent happy with my nose.
“Two nuts are arguing with each other.” That's cute. “‘I'm a nut.’ ‘No, I'm a nut!’” Ha, that's funny. Ah... “‘Hold it, you're both nuts. I'm Dr. Frasier Crane, noted psychiatrist, and I know a nut when I see one.’” Hmm, I just, I don't know abut that line.
Yes, but it... it may be a scream, but it, it's... what's the word I'm looking for?
Bebe, I don't want to get a reputation for being difficult, but I... I'm just not comfortable with this line.
Six days.
So what you're saying is that I would be doing psychiatry a service by doing this commercial?
Oh, dear. What does this mean? “Frasier comes out of his shell.”
I have so much to learn about this business.
Oh Niles, Niles, thanks for meeting me, I have to talk to you about something.
Well, they didn't tell me I could take it off, so I kept it on.
And the reason you have “SHRINK” on your license plate would be...? Niles, listen. I've got to do this commercial in half an hour and... I just don't think I can go through with it, I'm afraid that I'm compromising my integrity as a psychiatrist.
Well, for one thing my co-stars are dressed up as an almond and a walnut. Now listen Niles, I've... I need your guidance.
You don't think this is the selling out of Frasier Crane?
Oh, Niles. You are such a purist. Granted, I can't do the kind of in-depth analysis one can with a single patient, but my show helps literally thousands of people a day.
Well, that has nothing to do with this!
Niles, will you just tell me, would you do it?
Not a nude scene! Would you do this commercial?
So what you're saying is that I shouldn't do it.
I can't get it off my mind. Did I do the right thing?
Here, watch it with me one more time.
I suppose you're right, dad. Freddie will thank me. Dr. Joyce is his favorite psychologist.
No, no. Charlie Weaver was always on the bottom.
Wally Cox. Uh, upper left, next to Rosemarie Dubarr.
Hello Steven, I'm listening.
Ah! Stop right there, Steven. It's okay. All relationships require that kind of close and undivided attention. Isn't that so, Roz?
Trust me, after the baby comes that won't be an issue anymore. This is Dr. Frasier Crane on KACL. We'll be back after these messages.
Roz! How can you be reading now?
Just what is it that's so captivating?
Oh God, not you too! Why is that every woman I see is carrying that book around?
"There are tangos that come flowing from the wine seas, from the rust of a hundred sunken ships. This is one of those dances."
There are books that make your stomach lurch and thrust your lunch ever upwards. This is one of those books!
Oh...
Oh my God, it's him!
Yes. Yes, he used to drop into a neighborhood bar I frequented back in Boston. He's a bit pretentious, though; he stuck out like a sore thumb.
Well, actually I spent a lot of my time helping him get through his writer's block. In future I'll remember to use my powers for good and not for evil.
Oh, no, no, no, no, I can't see him. I'll have to tell him how much I liked his book. You know how hard it is to lie to someone's face.
Well, then perhaps you're right.
I can't believe this! I simply can't believe this!
This, this book! It's written by a man I knew. He's taken an incident from my own life, something I shared with him in confidence one night; he's turned it into this trash!
Yes, he is. But did Thomas Jay Fallow have the grace to thank me? No! My name isn't even listed in his acknowledgements.
That is not important.
Thank you, Daphne.
Changing a flat tire!
Very funny, dad. I’ll have you know that wasn't my first time.
That is not important!
Thank you again, Daphne!
Well, not all of it's true. He did take some literary license.
Well, that part he got right!
Now look! This was not some tired older woman lusting after young flesh. Clarice and I cared for each other. She showed me a world I'd never known, and... wouldn't know again for six and a half years.
I can't believe a man who drank so heavily remembered so much!
Yes, well he's going to get a little reminder today!
Not until I have exacted my pound of flesh.
Here, let me sign it for you.
Roz, Roz, you haven't told anyone about this, have you? They'll have a field day with me.
Bulldog, Bulldog. Listen, it is imperative that this is not commonly known.
Hi, Gil.
Quiet, quiet, it's his last chance.
By God?! Do you believe this guy's grandiosity? I'm God and he knows it!
Thomas Jay Fallow!
Well, I see my name hasn't entirely escaped your sieve-like memory.
Well, it didn't make it into your list of acknowledgements, you, you... egomaniacal thief!
I didn't have to read it! I lived it! Not that anybody would know that from reading your three pages of acknowledgements, in which you mention everyone from your kindergarten teacher to the man who designed the typeface. But no mention of me? No, I'm only the man who gave you the story which you have ruthlessly merchandised into this million-dollar treacle machine! I'm finished now.
Yes, I had a little chat with him this afternoon.
I made him cry.
Well, actually dad the entire incident has left me strangely unsatisfied. I don't know, I still feel sort of empty. It's been churning around in my mind all day.
What for?
I'd just been accepted to Harvard. What else was I gonna do?
Well, she was sleeping so peacefully. She had an early lesson! I left a rose on her pillow.
”A-ha,” what?
Well, why else would you say “a-ha”?
I was only seventeen years old, I'm sure she understood.
Yes well, thank you and goodbye!
Very funny, dad!
"He had been a teenage Balboa, an explorer of the rising pinnacles and gently curving slopes of my body. Then in one explosive burst of discovery he had staked claim to the Pacific ocean that was my soul. But now he was leaving, going, vanishing like a solitary boat on a lonely horizon. Departing like a train, rolling ceaselessly through the night. Exiting swiftly like..."
"And so he was gone."
"And now in the cool of the evening I play my piano. And his last words resonate through the notes: ‘I'll come back to you, my cherished one.’ But he never did and all that remains of him are the withered petals of the rose he left upon my pillow.”
Clarice? Time, the sole thief of youth.
Miss Warner?
I'm Frasier Crane.
Yes, I would.
Well... we were friends. More than friends, actually. You really don't remember?
You must have some recollection. A fair-haired boy outside your door, at the piano... on the piano...
Well, listen, before the memories come flooding back to you. I should tell you that we had a romance that didn't have the happiest of endings.
That's why I’m here. You see, our last evening together we “walked through a summer storm and I kissed the raindrops on your nose and promised we'd always be together.” And I broke that promise. You helped a shy adolescent take his first uncertain steps towards becoming a man and how did I repay that kindness? By running off and leaving you with nothing but your memories.
Well, can you ever forgive me?
Thank you, thank you.
It's such a relief to get that off my chest.
Clarice?
Obviously making an enormous mistake.
Twenty-five.
Look at you, you look incredible.
That's not what I mean, you look stunning.
Thank you.
Yes and I'd like to apologise right off. Er, I told that story to Mr. Fallow in confidence. It was never meant to be in print.
Divorced. You?
I came here to apologise about more than just the book. I never felt quite right about the way I left things. I abandoned you, it was selfish and cowardly.
Oh, the piano! Yes! Gee, I was a little nervous about coming here but now it feels like old times. Sit at middle C.
Maybe I should get going. Clarice, at the risk of sounding a little forward - would you like to have a cup of coffee with me?
If you're worried about the age difference, don't worry. That's no longer an issue.
Are you and he...
Where have you been?! We're on in two minutes!
Oh yes, Maris's face-lift!
Well, she doesn't, actually. There’s nothing wrong with Maris that wouldn't be cured by a little sun, some exercise and a personality.
What are those?
Why are you running down to the Xerox room for extra copies of my schedule? It wouldn't have anything to do with that new intern, would it? What's his name?
Roz, he's probably all of nineteen.
Well, coo-coo-ka-choo, Mrs. Robinson.
No, I've been eating out lately! You're not seriously thinking of dating him, are you?
I don't make the rules, Roz, I just enjoy them.
Hello, Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL 780. We're with you for the next three hours so let's get straight to it. Roz, who's our first caller?
Hello, Linda, I'm listening.
Yes, well, Linda, this is a common source of friction among couples. Some men feel the need to be in control, they see asking for help as a sign of weakness.
Well, this isn't normally the kind of advice I give, but let me see, I've lived in Seattle most of my life. Cherke and 14th, you would want to...
Oh, no thanks, Roz, I don't need any help!
Oh, dear God, what is it? A rat?
I thought you'd be at the hospital with Maris.
Oh, it's not vanity, Dad, it's insecurity. It's easy to understand how women can fall victim to our culture's worship at the altar of youth and beauty.
You know, what time is the surgery tomorrow?
Maybe that was Mr. Patterson!
You know, guess whose room I passed by on my way down the hall? Artie Walsh.
Yes, apparently he was in for some tests last week and the results weren't very good.
Yeah.
I'm sure he remembers you too, asking for a salad niçoise!
Oh, I doubt it.
Probably not. They haven't spoken in years.
No, he's just as tight-lipped as Dad is. Although, with a little arm twisting, I did get him to admit it was all Dad's fault!
So many of the great ones are!
Because he was your best friend for twenty years and now he's sick?
Dad, we are talking about a few minutes out of your life! Just long enough to sit there and have a little chat with a very sick man. I don't see why that's so impossible for you. Now, come on! Believe me, you'll be glad you did.
Artie thought as much.
He said you wouldn't have the guts to go see him.
Yeah, then he snickered a little!
Artie, it's me again.
When he knew you were in here, he insisted on rushing right over, didn't you, Dad?
Good. Small steps.
Dad!
Next time we'll stay longer.
Yes, the Little Sisters of Mercy have always had that reputation!
About what?
Oh, come on.
Oh, yes. Must have been on the take.
Or all three!
Dear God! You always think that's the kind of thing that happens to other people's fathers, not your own!
And you felt compelled to share that with him?
Why?
I think we better say a little prayer for the night nurse!
I don't know what else to do, he's just so damn stubborn.
Hello? Yes, it is. Oh, I see. Yes, well, I guess it isn't really a shock, considering. Yes, I'm sure they did everything they could. Thank you.
We'll talk about it later, Dad.
Why do you ask?
You thought that call was about Artie, didn't you?
Yes, you did!
Well, it just proves my point - you still care about him!
Well, it's up to you. But if you like, I could drive you down to the hospital.
No, you can't.
That was your mechanic, your transmission's dead.
Artie?
Oh, now look. You guys got off on the wrong foot...
Oh, fine, Dad. Anything I can say right now would just be irrelevant. One thing you learn as a therapist is once things are working well between people, anything else you can say would just be...
Oh, I finally got Dad and Artie Walsh talking again. Of course I did have to resort to cheap, manipulative pseudo- psychology.
Well, what about you? It looks like you've bought out the entire gift shop. Maris should be pleased.
Oh, thank you, I'll go round up dad.
Hey, dad? It's time to go.
Well, all I was doing was...
See you soon.
Well, I think we have time for one last call, who's up next, Roz?
Hello, Elliot. I'm listening.
Ah, a salesman? How old are you?
Forty-three?
Now tell. Let's be truthful.
Elliot, we were not born yesterday. Clearly you are just an adolescent, trying to prove to your little friends how clever you are by getting on the radio. But you know what you are really doing, you're taking time away from people with real problems.
Oh, I'm so sorry, Elliot, that was very insensitive of me.
Yes, indeed you did "get us," Elliot, but we are not so stuffy here on this program that we can't laugh at ourselves from time to time. Roz, can't you keep these pimply- faced little maggots off the air?! Well, that's our show for today. This is Dr. Crane signing off and wishing you good mental health.
Have a good weekend, Roz.
No, that outfit does not make you look fat.
Well, as a rule, when a woman prefaces a question with "I want an honest answer," that's usually the question.
Good. I'm sorry, you were right. Your question, please.
Roz, have you completely lost your mind?
Roz, there could be hundreds of reasons why he hasn't asked you out.
No, no, maybe he's married, maybe he's in a relationship, maybe he's gay. Or maybe, just maybe, he's there to watch a football game and not cruise for chicks.
Of course you are. See you Monday.
You are not getting the rest of my scone, so just forget it... Mmm. Really good, too. Yum, yum yum yum... Listen, I don't care, you can sit there 'til you're blue in the face... As far as I'm concerned, you don't even exist, you're not even here... Oh, all right, here! Get fat!
I am not.
Maybe he doesn't like what you're eating.
I'm glad somebody is.
All right, Dad. I'll call a plumber.
Dad, I am a doctor. I have more important things to do with my life than to fix a toilet.
Fabulous!
Dad, you will not do it yourself.
Oh well, that's where you're wrong. Let me show you something, mister. Here...
See this? Every possible tool for every possible need. Got this from Hammacher-Schlemmer.
Yes, it also comes in ebony and onyx.
Oh, I don't think so. I love onyx, onyx is a stone that resonates within me...
Yes... You know Niles, I'd actually like to fix that toilet, just to prove Dad wrong.
Yes, but we-we've conquered the intellectual world, but in the world of nuts and bolts we're at the mercy of tradesmen.
Yes! We could borrow some tools and fix it ourselves. It would be good practical experience, and it would shut Dad up.
Exactly.
Niles, what are you doing?
Give me that! Hello, Maris? Maris, Niles is busy now... No, never mind what I'm wearing. May we continue, please?
Done.
Yes, very well, lock-nut. You see Niles, until today, you didn't even know what a locknut was.
You know Niles, working with our hands like this, I'm reminded of that glorious tradition of the Amish barn raising. All the men of the village coming together, the mind, the muscle, all toward that simple, yet extraordinary goal. All right... we are ready to flush.
It's working! Oh my God, it's working. Look, it's draining out of the tank, into the bowl...
It's glorious.
One would think so, yes.
Ohh! Look it up. What does it say to do now?
We've had a tough day. We've tangled with a little pipe and porcelain. Now it's Montrachet time.
Yes, we tampered with the natural order of things.
To the circle of life.
That must be the plumber.
Dad, we tried, okay?
Well Daphne, we're not plumbers, we're psychiatrists.
What?
Niles, have you been self-medicating again?
"Kreizel the Weasel?" How can you be sure, it's been twenty- five years.
He certainly didn't recognize you just now.
Niles, you don't have to remind me of the Kreizel reign terror. I'm quite convinced I can trace my fear of confined spaces back to the time when his older brother Billy shoved me into a locker, wearing a girl's field hockey uniform!
Thank you.
NILES! Niles, get a hold of yourself! Stop it! Stop, stop. It's all right. You're no longer an awkward teenager, you're a renowned psychiatrist. Danny Kreizel may have won a battle or two back in junior high, but that's where he peaked. You won the war. You know the expression, "Living well is the best revenge"?
All right, Niles.
Oh, all right!
STOP! Niles, leave the man alone while he's trying to work!
He's a little frustrated because I wouldn't let him do something. He's taking his anger out on my ficus.
Niles, you've had a chance to cool off. Are you ready to talk about this now?
Niles, I have to be honest. I'm a little disappointed in you. Were you actually going to stick another human being's head into a toilet?
Niles, you see, there is a beast in all of us. Part becoming a rational adult is learning to control it. That's what separates us from the Kreizels of this world.
Don't you see? You have an opportunity with Danny that I never had with Billy. To confront him as a rational adult and achieve some closure.
Yes, there is, Niles. There has to be.
No, you won't. You're not a child anymore. Now come with me, I'm taking you to the bathroom!
Billy?
You think so, Billy?
Really?
Oh, I was involved...
Billy, I would like to take you back in time...
A jet pack.
I WAS there!
Run, Niles, run! The beast is loose!
I don't know, Dad. It's all really sort of a blur. I guess I just lost control.
No... it felt damn good.
He didn't have the nerve to do a thing.
I've never written a check so quickly in my life.
Thanks, Dad. Can I buy you a beer?
Well, it could mean he has a fear of commitment... or it could mean he's just been lucky!
Marie, that was a joke.
Alright, alright, Marie, um... I would say give him a shot, but uh... I'd keep that caution bulb lit. Thank you for your call, Marie. Who's next, Roz?
The preceding was an unbiased opinion from my never-been- married producer, Roz, who, incidentally, has squeezed more fruit than Tropicana. May we take another call, please?
Oh. Oh well then, we'll be right back after this.
Roz, didn't we just take a break?
Oh. Fine, just hurry.
Oh, just go!
My God! Are you alright?
Here, Roz. Does this hurt?
Alright, there's no nerve damage at least.
Yeah, come on.
No, that's alright, Roz, I'll get someone to fill in for me.
Oh, God!
It's Frasier.
Hi, Roz. How were things at the emergency room?
It was OK. Weird Bruce from Engineering took over for you. That's quite a boot collection. Wouldn't it be easier just to put notches in your bed post?
No, no. Matter of fact, I admire your courage.
Oh, yes. Freud said that there are only two things we need to make us happy: work, and love.
Well, I thought answering some of the fan mail that had been piling up would give you something to do. And remember, this time death threats don't get photos.
Roz, you just said, “Who is it?”
Hey, Dog.
Nothing says I'm sorry like fatty meats.
To think he does it all without steroids.
None for me, Bulldog. I'm off to the opera.
Roz, with a sprained ankle?
Roz, I'd like to stay, but I'm meeting people at the opera. I've got the tickets!
Well, curtain’s going up. Listen, Roz, if you need anything, feel free to call me absolutely anytime. Well, except for the next three hours, of course. I'm at the opera. Oh, no, no, no... four hours, it's Wagner. Um... oh, then I've got a late supper, then right to bed, I've got an early squash game... tell you what, let's just say call me absolutely anytime after four tomorrow afternoon.
Evening, all!
Oh Roz, Roz! Did you hear the show today? I was at the top of my form! I did a brilliant job of cutting a narcissist down to size!
Oh, thank you, Niles. So...
Ooh, Dad! New shoes? Do I hear cathedral bells?
Oh, Roz, I also wanted to apologize for leaving you last night. I hope you didn't spend the whole evening fending off Bulldog's advances.
Ohhh?
Well, I couldn't help noticing he came in to work this morning wearing the same clothes he had on yesterday.
Well, I mean - dropping by, bringing a little gift? It was obvious he was after something!
Oh, well! I wonder why he said that!
Yes well, I think that goes without saying.
Oh Roz, Bulldog knows the blunt approach won't work with you, so he's being more subtle. But his ultimate goal remains to... well, to...
Roz, don't you think you're being just a tad naive?
Roz, I can see how he’s manipulating you! I’m an expert in human behavior!
Well, I'm surprised you had time to listen, what with being so busy with your ultra-demanding producer tasks! Answering phones and pushing buttons! My God, a cockatoo with a strong beak could do what you do!
Well Bruce, I see we are loaded with callers here. What line is next?
Three.
Why don't you just let me handle this?
Francesca, please... we had a little technical glitch there. But we were almost out of time anyway. Please, if you'll call in tomorrow, I'll make sure you're the first order of business. Please call. Well, we're just about wrapped up here, folks... I'll see you tomorrow, Seattle.
You think so, Bruce?
Well, call me old-fashioned but when my show starts out with a screeching noise that could shatter crystal, then moves on to an open mike while I'm eating a bag of potato chips, then disconnects two manic-depressives and a woman with a fear abandonment, I don't think it's a show we should be mailing off to the Smithsonian!
Hello, Roz.
Oh, Bruce and I are getting along splendidly!
Bye, Roz.
Yes, yes. I'd love to come.
Well, Gil, I'm sure that rift will soon be over. Before long, Bulldog will prove that all he's wanted all along is just to get his hands on Roz.
Ooh... in fact that moment may have arrived.
Look, she's bending over! Oh turn around, Bulldog!
Alright, he moves in... and he... ...helps pick up the papers!
Yes well, enjoy it while you can. Bulldog can't keep his libido in check forever.
Yes. In the meantime, I have to find someone halfway competent to produce my show. How hard could that be?
Well Niles, I've never understood why you wanted your hedges to be sculpted into the shapes of animals.
Well, thank you, Niles. You've been a great deal of help. There are worse things than seeing one's career go down the toilet - I could have my hedges cut into unattractive shapes.
Well, I'm sorry! But I'm just the slightest bit panicky that I'm never going to get Roz back! I've been waiting for weeks for Bulldog to make his move, and against all natural laws, he hasn't!
Doesn't everyone?
Hmm... what could be your point, Dad? I'm having trouble reading between the lines.
As usual, you're overlooking a key psychological component in this whole issue.
Exactly!
You don't understand. You see, it's not the same as Dad being wrong, or your being wrong. I have a degree from Harvard! Whenever I'm wrong... the world makes a little less sense.
Niles, don't you think you're being just the slightest bit sexist? What's labeled “pushy” in a woman is called “assertiveness” in a man. Gone are the days when women were shunted aside to bat their eyelashes prettily and say nothing.
Oh Daphne, please, I can handle this.
Well, I'm sorry. I'm just not quite ready to swallow my pride.
I'm listening.
Ah, yes. Another beautiful Saturday night. The moon is full, the city lights are twinkling, lovers steal kisses in the park... and here, Chez Crane, my father and his assistant sit hunched over twenty year-old photographs of a murdered hooker. Life is a banquet.
Dad, you're obsessing. You stare at these grisly pictures day after day, night after night. Come on, why don't we go out and see a movie?
Let's go get a pizza.
Let's get tattooed. Oh! This is ridiculous. It's a beautiful night and I'm not going to miss it. I'm going to go out and take a long walk and I'm not going by myself.
Bulldog.
Brilliant in its simplicity.
Yes, it could have gone either way.
Oh, oh, Bulldog, have you met my brother Niles? Niles, this is Bulldog Briscoe.
Yes. But Niles, I've been wondering: Would you mind if I asked Dad to join us?
Yes, it's just I'm trying desperately to come up with some way to get him out of the house. He's off on one of his “Weeping Lotus” binges again.
Oh, Niles, Niles, this is it, this is it. The basketball game!
Yes, yes, I can get another ticket from the promotional department. Oh, this is perfect. Just imagine how excited Dad will be to go to a game with his two sons. My God, it's the archetypal male bonding ritual!
Come on Niles, look, it'll give you a chance to see the Tacoma Dome.
I'm a Teamster compared to you.
Here we are: one beer, and two glasses of wine. I'm sure it's good, Niles, they opened a fresh box when they poured it.
Yes, Niles, it's just as you feared: communal urinals in the mens room.
So, Dad, aren't these great seats, huh?
What's the matter with you?
What for?
Dad, the whole idea of coming here tonight was to get your mind off of the case. Listen I've done some reading. It seems the key for the Sonics is to stop Starts from penetrating and dumping the ball off for easy baskets.
Oh, shut up, Niles!
Well, Dad, it's not my theory, I'm just quoting some sports writer.
Dad, please try to participate. Ooh, look! They're starting the wave! Ooh, it's coming this way, it's coming this way!
That was fun, wasn't it? Oh, look, there's a peanut guy! Peanuts!
Stop it, that is for me!
Oh, Dad, this isn't about the case, is it?
Well, Dad, look, you've been working on it for twenty years, how come you're so obsessed now?
Okay, Dad. I understand.
Evening, Dad.
Oh, God, it was a pleasure, Dad. I'm only sorry you couldn't join us for dinner afterwards. La Cochan Noir gave us a late seating for a fabulous dinner.
Yes, but think of it this way, Niles: what is the one thing better than an exquisite meal? An exquisite meal with one tiny flaw we can pick at all night.
So, Dad, any progress on the case?
Night, Dad.
No, you didn't.
Yes, well it's been a while since I've gone over this. Who are these guys?
Wait, wait, wait...
A monkey?
Well, why wasn't Brisbane a suspect?
Yes, it's easy to forget there was a time when Las Vegas wasn't the tacky place it is now.
You know, there is a way that Brisbane could be the killer, and still have his horse track alibi hold up. Daphne, Niles, I present you with... the killer!
Just play along with me here. They're capable of shooting arrows, why not a gun?
Because, because she jilted him for someone else.
Exactly! My God, we've done it!
Well, yes! But you were standing very close by. Wait a minute. Are we saying here that a murder was committed by a monkey?
No. Niles, Niles, wait, wait. It's still just a theory. Even if we are right, just think how Dad would feel, knowing we cracked a case he couldn't solve in twenty years.
Wait. It's merely serendipity that I stumbled into this. Why can't it happen again? I simply rearrange the photos in a way that Dad will see the connection. All right, we've got Koko, the gun, and Helen.
Sorry Dad.
Something wrong?
What?
Dad, Dad, that's wonderful news!
Here, lay it all out for us.
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!
Hello Daphne.
Is Dad home?
What?
Oh, something else. You'd definitely be awake for it, though.
Oh, dear God, I wish he hadn't done that. You know, I've been turning it over in my mind all day. The more I think about it, the goofier it sounds. I mean, a MONKEY. Let's hope they didn't laugh him out of the station, be one hell of way to end a thirty year police career.
You're right, I could have said it was a trained giraffe. I suppose it killed her by spitting a bullet at her, thus explaining the downward trajectory.
Hi, Dad.
Geez, they didn't ridicule you, did they?
Dad, it wasn't your fault. I did it.
No. But I did plant that ridiculous idea in your head. Remember last night when you came in, so upset that I was rearranging your pictures? Well, I rearranged them in a specific way so that you would... come to the same conclusion I did.
I can't tell you how terrible I feel.
Oh, that's amazing, that's wonderful! Oh, that's suede!
Well, I may have momentarily doubted it, but from time to time I have to be reminded to trust my gift.
Now, now, Dad.
Oh, no.
All right, I hate to toot my own horn, but, if it will make Dad happy. I suppose it was my expertise in human behavior, combined with a lifelong enthusiasm for the Rwandan lowland gorilla that first set me thinking about the monkey.
Perhaps I'm going too fast, I'll go slower. The key was when I figured out if Brisbane could teach a monkey to impersonate George Washington, then surely he could teach a monkey to cock a revolver, sneak up a fire escape, lie in wait for Helen, pump her full of lead and then make his getaway, perhaps even still wearing the revolutionary war regalia in order to confuse any chance witnesses. In fact, oh and this is way out there, but geez, maybe you should check to see if there were any local bank robberies at the time that were committed by a short, hairy man wearing a powdered wig.
Well, wasn't he?
Who's Shelby?
Oh. Well, that was my second choice.
Can I freshen anyone's drink?
Yes, yes, that's all very funny.
Well, I suppose I can, yes. Oh, wait! I've got one. Who do you suppose the monkey will get to defend him? Clarence Darrow?
The Scopes Monkey trial... You know, Darwin's theory evolution... It was turned into a Pulitzer Prize-winning novel, “Inherit the Wind.” Is that gun loaded?
Thank you, no.
Which is what?
Oh dear, thank you Roz.
Oh, it's a tape Dad asked me to rent for him. It's part our new Wednesday night ritual. Dad mixes up a pot of his five-alarm chili, we all curl up on the couch and watch an Angie Dickinson movie and I wish I were dead. You should join us.
Oh, well, be sure to wear your hernia belt. So, Roz, you gonna join us?
No, no, no! Just hold on now, Roz. You and Niles got off on the wrong foot a long time ago. I think if you two sat down and had a real conversation you'd hit it off famously. Here, you sit, Roz, and I will go and get your coffee.
You know, sometimes I am such a good therapist, I scare myself! Oh my goodness... where's my briefcase?
Well, yes I did, but someone must have taken it!
Excuse me.
Is that your briefcase?
Where did you get it?
Ah, your parish? Then that would make you a priest?
Well, then, "Father", perhaps you'd like to explain why you'd be carrying around......a Bible and some rosary beads?!
An Angie Dickinson movie. I loaned it to the Monsignor. He was supposed to give it to you to give to me. Apparently he forgot. Well, it's a two-day rental anyway, doesn't matter. Off you go. Thank you.
Yes, I would mind holding again! Look, I've already held three times! I'm simply trying to report a few stolen credit cards, but every five seconds...damn it! Don't stare at me, Eddie. I'm a humane man, but right now I could kick a kitten through an electric fan!
Yes, all right, Dad, go ahead; tell me how stupid I was to get taken advantage of that way. It's certainly better than listening to "Jumping Jack Flash" arranged for piano and flute.
Well, that's rather refreshing. I was expecting you to call me every name from a naive dupe to a...
But you're not!
I'm sorry, but that's just a little cynical for me! I don't want to go through life thinking the worst of people. I prefer to think of them as basically good and decent. Yes, I am here, but you know, I'm sorry, I'm in the middle of a speech right now, so you'll have to hold! Truth is, I enjoy my life that way. If the price I have to pay is to replace a few credit cards from time to time, well then, so be it.
So... whose point did she prove?
Well, I can't tell you how much fun it's been chatting with you all today, nasty old Gertrude aside. But, I'd like to close the show with a personal message. This goes out to the person who stole my briefcase yesterday. And, as it turns out, also stole my dry cleaning this morning with the claim ticket that was inside. You need help, and I am here to provide it. Oh, also, the double-breasted navy blue suit was meant to be worn with French cuffs and medium heel wing tips. You may be sick, but there's no reason why you shouldn't be stylish. Until tomorrow, this is Dr. Frasier Crane.
What do you want?
No.
Take one of each, I'm feeling generous.
Hello?
Yes, it is.
Yes, well, actually, my show is over. You'll have to call in again tomorrow.
Oh, really? Really, are you sure?
Well, there's a way we can be positive. Simply turn over the briefcase and in the upper right-hand corner you should find a half-moon-shaped watermark, such as would be left by the careless resting of a champagne flute.
Oh. Well, that works as well, yes. Say, listen, is everything still there?
What about my wallet?
Well, I suppose that was asking for too much. Well, how can I get it back?
Oh, better yet, why don't you meet me at the Café Nervosa on Pike and Third. I'd be glad to give you a reward.
That's perfect. Bye.
Yes, but not surprising. Haven't I always told you to have faith in people?
Yes.
Indeed.
There's no way you're getting Friday off.
Well, then why don't you?
Still, Niles, we both know the only way to break people off their bad habits is by confronting them.
So?
Kind of brutal, weren't you?
There, there, Niles. Soon you'll be home with Maris and you'll forget you were anywhere near a beautiful woman today. Please, why don't we sit here by the window so we can see him when he comes?
Yes. You know, I have to tell you Niles, I'm feeling rather good about this whole thing. Granted, I did lose my wallet and my favorite suit. But, still, mostly everything else was intact. My date book, my spare set of car keys, my fountain pen. But, best of all, what has remained intact is my sense that people are basically trustworthy.
Now, now... before you launch into one of your little paranoid riffs, my car happens to be... MOVING DOWN THE STREET!!
Oh my god! Stop! Stop that well-dressed man!
Terribly. Guess what happened today?
My car was stolen!
Yes, once again, I fell victim to a master criminal.
No. He had the key.
No... It was the same miscreant who stole my briefcase. He used the spare set that was inside.
Not exactly. He called the station and we agreed to meet.
Oh, what are you, the town crier?! Oh, go ahead and laugh! You know, it still doesn't shake my belief in the basic goodness of people.
Yes, well, I'm glad that my misfortune has given you two so much glee! But Dad, I have two requests. First, wipe that father-knows-best smirk off of your face! I am not a child!
Can I borrow your car? I want to go to the movies.
And last stop on our tour, my booth. Where all the magic happens.
Thank you for the ride down, Daphne, but we do have a show to do. So if you...
Yes, yes, of course. Your soothing voice, your calming manner. I could listen to you for hours.
Oh, yes. Absolutely. All right, now get out.
Roz, could you get that, please?
I wasn't out with anyone named Denise last night.
Oh, all right. Hello. This is Frasier Crane.
I beg your pardon?
You did?
Denise, could you just hold on for a moment?
Do you realize what this means?
And it worked! She slept with him on the first date! Nobody ever sleeps with me on the first date! Hi, it's me again.
Yes. Apparently he wasn't content just to steal my possessions. Now he's after my identity as well!
No, Roz, no! I will handle this myself. I am going down to Alberto's.
Just run something from the "Best of Frasier Crane." This jackal thinks he's meeting Denise down there, but he's going to meet me instead!
I don't care, Roz! My god, this man's gone too far. He's after my very soul now! What was it Shakespeare wrote? "He who steals my purse steals trash. But he who steals my good name steals..." Well... oh, I forget the rest, but it makes me good and mad!
Excuse me. Have you seen a man in here wearing an impeccably tailored Italian suit?
Oh, well... thank you. Giorgio Armani.
Yes, uh, Frasier Crane, it's a pleasure. Do you mind?
Yes.
Oh, thank you.
Yes, someone did.
Oh, good heavens, if you're looking for identification, I... Uh-oh.
Yes, but, he stole my wallet the other day.
Frasier did - the bad Frasier.
Heather, this is absurd! Can't you recognize my...
Nice suit.
Oh, no you don't! You're mine now!
Damn it! How did you find me?
Well, a certain Denise called the station today. She had to cancel your little rendezvous.
No. You put on my best suit!
No. What I would like to do is throttle you until your eyes shoot across the room like champagne corks! But I won't, because this is still a civilized world. But it won't be for long if you lowlifes have your way, because with every wallet you steal, you put bars on someone else's windows! With every purse you snatch, you put mace on another key chain! Everyday you make our lives a little less livable, and I hope that burns on your conscience! Well, what do you have to say for yourself?
Oh, oh... I see. I see. You think by agreeing with me, I'll let you off the hook.
Oh yes, here it comes - the old sob story. "Daddy didn't love me. Mother ignored me. The bully next door stole my baseball glove."
Thank you.
You expect me to believe that your entire life of crime can be attributed to your laziness?
Story of my week. You know, you seem to be taking this awfully well.
Or perhaps... perhaps you wanted to get caught.
Yes, well, think about it. You've been taking greater and greater risks. Isn't that the behavior of a man who wants to get caught?
Oh, dear god!
Well, I still say that you really wanted to get caught. It's a classic cri de couer.
Well, it's a ballet, it... it just means that you don't like the life that you're living.
Then why don't you change?
As a psychiatrist, I just don't buy that. You're not lazy. What you are is afraid. There are any number of things you could do in a legitimate world. You're just afraid to try one of them and fail at it.
Yes. I believe everyone can change because I believe in the basic goodness of people. Oh yes, hello. Yes, uh...just a moment, please. Start now. Take responsibility for yourself. For once, don't take the easy way out.
Oh, what are you talking about? I am Frasier Crane!
Well, no... no. But it's the truth! Tell them.
What?!
But he's lying! He's the imposter! Don't you people recognize me?!
Oh, for goodness sake! This is madness! I can't believe this is happening! People of the world, listen to me! Trust no one, especially THAT lazy bastard!
Dad, when a man has no front teeth and stitches on his nose, I think it's safe to assume he's sensitive to criticism.
Oh, must be one of those inspirational tapes that Daphne's always listening to. Oh, my God, “Here, Have a Rainbow,” by Dr. Honey Snow. Daphne, how can you listen to this stuff ? It's absolute drivel.
Oh, really, fancy that. She tells everyone that they're perfectly wonderful and that nothing wrong is ever their fault. What do you know, they like it.
Yes, well I have. Believe me, after one page, I was yearning for the worldly cynicism of Barney the Dinosaur.
Hello, Niles, to what do we owe this pleasure?
Oh, God.
Dear God, what is the grand prize this year?
All right.
She'd better copyright that before some unscrupulous hack steals it.
I would sooner attend a hoe-down.
I have my reputation to think of.
All right, if it will make you all happy to see me humiliate myself.
Yes, well... Oh, look everyone! Eddie has found his inner puppy!
I promise this'll just take a minute.
“Don't Change, You're Perfect.”
It's unbelievable. Here, get her autograph for me, will you? She's sitting right behind those people over there. Just go get it signed and then we'll get out of here, go have a nice lunch at Le Cigare Volant.
I have my reputation to think of!
I'm giving myself one now.
Well actually it's more of a Heimlich maneuver.
Good, good. Let's buy it and get out of here.
Roz, I don't want to meet the woman, let's just go.
What difference could that make? The woman stands for everything that I find totally...
...enchanting.
And I'm... wait, don't tell me, Dr. Frasier Crane.
Why not?
No fear here.
And I've recently become one of yours.
Well, what about those mental hugs of yours? It can't get much simpler than that.
Oh, yes, you start without me. All I really want is a little nibble.
I'd love to.
Well it was nice meeting you, Dr. Snow.
It certainly is...
What's all this?
Niles?
Good.
As a matter of fact, yes.
Did it ever occur to you that I might not want Niles to know who I'm dating?
Analyze them? She could star in them.
Well, I just simply skirt the issue.
You're just jealous. But not half as jealous as you're about to be. I suggest you get a coaster for your lower lip.
Hi, Honey. Allow me to make the introductions. Daphne Moon, Honey Snow; Honey Snow, Daphne Moon. She's a big fan of yours.
My father, Martin Crane.
And, last but not least, my brother Niles.
Perhaps we should be going.
Oh?
Oh. Another one? So soon?
Me?
Well, actually there's so many other people that would be more qualified to write for such an important work.
Oh, no, no, no, no. It's a great honor.
Well there's no two ways about it, then. I'm writing that foreword.
Niles, will you please stop giggling? It's very distracting.
I'm trying to recommend the book. Reading it doesn't help. Okay, here, how's this: “Many great volumes have been written about human behavior. And I can honestly say, without fear of contradiction, that this book can stand on the shelf next to any of them.” No good, is it?
Oh, Niles, will you please help me? Honey asked me to write this foreword two weeks ago, she's got a deadline, she's been wondering where it is.
Oh, give me that! Niles, you just don't understand what's at stake here. I've never felt this way about a woman before. I'm out of control. Her effect on me, it's, it's... there are no words to describe it, really, it's more like a sound...
Yes.
Yes, it's the old "Good Cop, Horny Cop" routine.
Well, Niles, that broker of yours, he's a marvel!
Yes, I'd say so. I've been so impressed with his winning streak lately that I asked Daphne what her latest pick was. I invested a few hundred myself.
Thank you. But there's just one thing, though, it's very hard to figure out. Although I invested in the very same stock that Daphne did, mine declined and hers went up. How do you explain that?
Fess up, Niles, this whole stock thing was a lie from the get-go.
Niles, you are giving a woman money in order to obtain physical affection! We are talking the world's oldest profession. Granted, this is sort of the Walt Disney version, but still. It's wrong, and I insist you stop it.
You know, Niles, I've been thinking maybe I should get on that gravy train myself. Tell Wendel I'm in for ten thousand.
Yes, well just think of the dinner I'll be able to buy when Niles brings me my profits.
Snap out of it. What you were doing was completely dishonest.
What is that supposed to mean?
Don't be ridiculous! Our two situations are totally different.
Well, for one thing, you've been misleading a woman for your own selfish gain.
Well, I'm not finished. She was also... trusting you to tell the truth.
Your woman is English!
I know. I know. Just going to take a little while to climb down off of this particular high horse.
Yes. I have to tell her I can't write the foreword. Oh, Niles, and I have to say goodbye to the chance of ever sleeping with absolute perfection. Oh, Niles, where oh where will I ever have the chance again to gaze upon such extraordinarily proud supple breasts?
Yes, well thank you for the fabulous table. I think hugging the maitre d' really clinched it.
Sure.
You better fire up about ten of those. You know, there's something I'd really like to talk to you about. It's about that foreword I've been trying to write for you.
Really?
Well, your bag-boy has arrived.
No, no, no, no, I really need to discuss this now.
Oh, I don't think you'll have any complaints. No, no, no, I've got to focus on the subject at hand.
No, no, Honey, I can't do it!
No, no, I, I can't write the foreword.
Well, I, I just didn't think it was a very good book. I think the world of you and I wish you the greatest success, but I didn't think the book was good enough to put my name on it. I guess I'll be going now.
Well, I, uh... have to be true to my inner voice.
I hope you feel you can be just as honest to me.
I thought your chapter titles were clumsy and jejune. Your turn.
I think that sandalwood stinks.
I thought your first three books were trite and saccharine.
It's your turn Honey. Honey?
As well you should be.
Oh, well, I meant “trite” in its best sense. As in the phrase “trite and true.”
I love saccharine. Use it every day.
Honey, I'm sorry, I really am. Couldn't we try one of your forgiveness exercises?
Hug?
Well, that's our show for today. Don't forget - Bob "Bulldog" Briscoe is up next. Oh, yes. This is KACL Cash Call Week. $5,000 if you answer your phone with the phrase that pays. So when your phone rings, don't say hello, say...
WELL, BLOW ME DOWN!!! Uh...no, no, no. Say, uh... KACL is, uh... the talk of the town... talk of Seattle, whatever, Bye-bye.
Sam, Sam! Oh my God! Well, what are you doing in town?
They did?
I mean, that's great, but... well, come on in.
Oh, yeah, it's fine.
This is Roz Doyle.
Oh, boy. Just look at the two of you face to face. I imagine wild animals all over the Northwest are lifting their heads, alerted to the scent. Good-bye, Roz.
Yes, it glows in the dark.
So, uh, how's everybody at Cheers?
Yes, yes... it's ironic, isn't it? You know, she spends all her energy trying to land some rich guy and she ends up with an ordinary plumber.
Well, heck, I'm happy for her.
Working at Cheers again?
Oh, that is wonderful! Is he...?
Oh! Well, genetics takes a holiday, huh? So, Sam, you want to continue this over some lunch?
So, are Norm and Cliff still holding up the bar?
Oh!
Here we are, Sam.
Oh, Sam, this is my brother, Dr. Niles Crane.
Wasn't exactly a health club you were running there, Sam.
Well, we had had an argument. You called me a stuffed shirt and hung up on me. I was mad.
You were dead, what did it matter?
Oh, Daphne... Daphne, this is Sam Malone. Sam, this is Daphne Moon, Dad's physical therapist
Of course he's flirting with her. He flirts with everyone. He can't help it, he's a sexual compulsive. But he's getting help for it in a support group.
Hello? You'd like to speak to Sam? Um... well, who's calling, please? Sheila?
Um... yes, well, he's not here right now, but I'm expecting him soon.
Uh... I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I was mistaken. He WAS here, but, uh, he left. Well, yes, I'll give him the message. Thank you. I'm sorry, Sam, I'm a little out of practice. So, uh, who's Sheila?
Marry? When?
Yesterday?
But Sam...
Czeslaw Milovicz.
Damn! That's a trick question!
Well, Sam, now that everybody's gone, there was something I wanted to bring up. I just - what is it, what is it... Oh yes, yes, I remember: what the hell do you mean you were about to get married?!
So, you're not in Seattle because of the Mariners?
All right, all right. Sam, let's have a seat here and start this thing from the very beginning. Now, who is this woman?
You know, Sam, it's always amazed me how you can elevate and demean in the same sentence.
Forget it, just...
Well, it's my guess, Sam, that you left a lot of clues as to where you were because, basically you wanted her to find you. I have a feeling that you actually want to marry this girl.
Look, Sam, all that happened was you panicked. It's perfectly natural. The wedding ceremony represents the end of your old life.
You know, for most guys that's just an expression.
You know, Sam, I have a feeling that you're finally ready for a commitment like this. I think you ought to get on that phone and call her.
Well, just tell her you panicked and ran. Tell her the truth. I mean, after all, honesty is the cornerstone a healthy relationship.
Absolutely. Geez, the only question now is, will she still take you back?
Yes, yes... More than that, she's on her way here in a plane right now. They're going to get married in Hawaii.
Oh Roz, don't be a sore loser, will you, please? Look, I invited them here on their way in from the airport.
Oh, Sam!
Sheila, likewise. Uh, this is Roz and Niles.
Sure. Right... right.
Oh, my god.
No, no, no. Not that "Oh, my god." Oh, my god, I slept with that woman three months ago.
Yes!
I was... I was in Boston for a long weekend. I was feeling a little depressed, so I took solace in the arms of a... a beautiful and remarkably welcoming young woman in a hotel bar.
No, Niles. I told you that for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Of course it was she! Did you see the way she ran out of here the minute she saw me?
Oh, put the weapon down! Stop it, Roz! Have you no scruples whatsoever?
Well, I didn't know that at the time!
Oh, what, and ruin our relationship as well as theirs?! What I've got to do is, actually I've got to speak to her first. Hear her side of this story. I mean, after all, there are hundreds of reasons why people have affairs.
Niles. Well, there's got to be some explanation. Maybe they stopped seeing each other for a couple of weeks. Maybe Sam cheated on her and she was just doing it to get even with him. Or, who knows? Maybe she just found me completely irresistible.
Oh, all right!
Hello, Sheila. Good to see you again. Sam, you are one lucky guy!
Oh, good. Look, you have some explaining to do, young lady!
No, thank you.
Yes. Well... I'm glad I could be down there for you.
Oh, of course I can understand, Sheila. And I sympathize. I've had many patients that share your affliction... although, to date you're the only one I've met who can hit the emergency button of an elevator with a stiletto heel.
Well, you certainly do seem sincere about this. I think, in all good conscience I can support this marriage, but I want you to know if you start to feel yourself slipping, here's my number. No, no, no... so I can help you as a psychiatrist!
Oh, and... I think it's probably best if maybe we don't tell Sam about the two of us.
It's not that I have a guilty conscience or anything.
Yaahh!!
Got a little charley horse, Sam.
Well, that's a first. What did I say?
Being the cornerstone of a good relationship?
Was this after you were engaged?
You know... I think it's time you guys had a little privacy.
Uh... you know, I just remembered. I parked in a loading zone. I'd better...
Paul? Short...
Fat...
Yes, yes. Okay, you told one, you told one, that's great, we're all even-steven! Let's go eat.
What, are we still on this?! Geez – I mean, there is honesty and there's beating a dead horse!
Oh, Sheila, for God's sake! Look, I'll tell him.
Sam, what's she's trying to say is...
I believe she said "Cliff."
I slept with a woman who slept with Cliff?!
Well, I know it was painful, Sam, but you made the right decision.
You're just using Cliff as the excuse. We both know there were more compelling reasons for you to back out of this thing.
You know, Sam, to put this thing aside once and for all, I...
Cliff. That is a tough one to swallow, huh? But, you know the important thing is that you proved to yourself that you're ready for a commitment even if Sheila wasn't the one.
You know, in a way we're both in the same boat.
Well, you know... we've tried, we've failed. But we'll try again. Sam, we're looking for a meaningful relationship.
We're gonna find it though, buddy. I tell you.
That says meaningful to me.
Dad?
Daphne? Anybody home?
You shake my nerves and you rattle my brain! Too much love drives a man insane! Oh, what a thrill, just what a thrill! Goodness gracious, great balls of fire!
Let me guess, Maris has moved into the east wing again?
What, no gifts? No party? No nothing?
Well listen Niles, why don't you just sit her down and have a little talk, tell her it was a mistake. We’ve all noticed she's a bit touchy about her age, even though it's not the first time she's turned forty.
Listen dad, you didn't happen to find a book lying around here? The station manager loaned it to me and I promised I'd return it today.
The Life And Times Of Sir Herbert Beerbohm Tree. It's a stunningly witty history of the English theatre.
Dad, you could at least try to be a little bit helpful, I promised him I'd return it today.
Daphne.
Look, I thought you were out... not that I make a habit of coming in here when you're out! Well, I thought I came in to get my book which I have, see. Well, I'll just be going - me and my book. See Frasier go.
Well, let's just forget about Maris for the time being, shall we? Sit down and have a nice meal in a convivial atmosphere.
This morning, I went into her bedroom.
Oh, Niles! I simply went in there to retrieve my book.
Oh, what's the big deal?
She goes into my room all the time, and it doesn't bother me!
Dad, that is sexism talking.
Alright! I'll go into Daphne's room and I will apologize to her.
Alone, Niles!
Daphne, it's Dr. Crane.
Could you open the door, please?
I, I behaved very insensitively this morning. And I did need the book but it was wrong of me to go in without your permission.
And I'm sorry.
It'll never happen again.
Ever.
I'm being very nice.
Well, good night Daphne.
Oh, there's no need to explain. I promise you, it will never be an issue again!
Oh, dear God! All eight of them?
Coffee, dad?
Yes.
Sorry, Niles. Thank God.
I thought she wasn't speaking to you.
Oh, great!
These pills!
No, Daphne's prescription. When I was in her room earlier, I must have inadvertently... knocked them into my pocket.
OK, I was snooping around a little bit. Oh, dear God! "Take one before bedtime." Oh no, she's sure to miss these tonight.
Oh great, this is my chance. I'll just sneak back there and put these back in her room.
Alone, Niles!
Daphne, I'm so sorry!
I assume you and Maris achieved détente.
What magic words did you use to melt your little glacier?
You bought her a Mercedes?
If you're through marinating in your own testosterone, I have a problem. Remember last night I went back into Daphne's room? Well, she caught me again.
I was just so embarrassed I had to leave this morning before she woke up. I left a little note, trying to explain my actions. Considering the circumstances, I don't think there's any way she can forgive me!
But I took no pleasure in it at all! The entire thing was just absolutely mortifying!
No, Niles, no!
Hi, Roz.
Good to see you.
I just don't see that there's any way I can make it up to Daphne.
Maris was upset with Niles so he bought her a Mercedes.
And if you're suggesting that I buy my way out of my problem, the answer is no! It's the coward’s way out!
Yes!
Oh Roz, don't encourage him, I happen to think that bribery is the wrong way for couples to resolve their conflicts!
Hello, dad. Love your icebreaker!
She's talking about quitting?
Oh dad, I can't go in there!
He's defying you too, dad!
Daphne, Daphne, please, please wait, we've gotta talk. I feel absolutely terrible.
That puts my mind at ease.
Oh look, Daphne, I realize how hard it is to live in someone else's home.
Oh Daphne, you're absolutely right, you do deserve a place of your own. Listen if you agree to stay, I'll I'll have your room redecorated. Just make it your own. Paint, wallpaper, upholstery, anything you'd like. Just so you feel comfortable.
Daphne, I promise, as long as we live under the same roof together, I will never ever set foot in your room again.
Thank you.
Ah, Niles!
Dear God, she's really determined to keep me out of there.
Oh, I know what you’re thinking, and believe me, it's just a gesture.
Niles, our two situations are entirely different. You bought Maris off because you are afraid of her.
No.
But... Niles! Niles, where are you going?
Just get out of there.
Niles...
Oh, stop it!
Niles, you’re acting like a child!
Oh my God, no! You see what you've done now! She's bound to find out!
No, Niles, she'll quit!
It’s all Niles’s fault!
Never mind, just help us clean up this mess!
Daphne, did you happen to see that sporty little sub-compact over there? I bet you could park that anywhere.
Well, we’ve got time for one more call. Roz, who've we got?
Hello, Sid. I'm listening.
Sid, are you reading what you're saying?
Well, what if someone asks you a question you haven't anticipated?
Wait, Sid! Sid, if you're listening, your insecurity is rooted in your fear of making a mistake. In order to beat this thing, you're going to have to practice. If you work at it very hard. Then, one day, you too may achieve the command and confidence to which we all aspire to... be having. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, wishing you good mental health.
Thank you, Roz.
Oh, Niles! What are you doing here?
You know someone who's a member?
What are you up to? You have that same smug look you had on your face when you found that recording of Kirsten Flagstad's 1932 Gotterdammerung in the discount bin.
So, how did this all come about?
Gives new meaning to the phrase, "a stroke of luck."
Well, I'm very happy for you.
Not at all.
So?!
Well, it would appear so. More power to him. After all, he deserves to have lunch in that private dining room, and read the Wall Street Journal in that fabled mahogany library...
Like a carnivorous bacteria. If he gets into that club I should too!
Oh Roz, don't toy with me!
Walter Strickland, Jr?!
Roz, how did you ever get to know someone so important?
Daphne, are you almost finished with that?
Thank you. I hope my date concurs.
Dr. Susan Anderson. She's as boring as unbuttered toast, but she's a brilliant physician, and been socially well- connected.
Well, yes, he was, at first. But, then I convinced him that we could be of help to each other. If we work together, we can secure both vacancies.
Hello, Niles.
No, actually, I'm still waiting on Susan; she's at the hospital.
Hmm... School ties... business affiliations... hobbies... mistresses.
We're as good as in!
Unless... oh, Niles! I just had the most terrifying thought.
What if some other candidate has gone to the trouble researching... the skeletons in our own closet?
I wouldn't be so sure. I don't think the membership committee would look kindly on your being arrested for mooning President Nixon at the campaign rally.
It was not a legitimate attempt. I only stepped out on that ledge to get Lilith's attention.
Oh, that's a good idea, Niles. I'll see you there.
Hello? Oh, Susan, Susan! Oh my goodness, I've been expecting you. Are you in the car? Oh no, you're still at the hospital? Well, of course I understand. Well, you were a sweetheart to agree to go in the first place. I'll call you tomorrow. Fat chance.
This is disastrous!
No, I've RSVP'd for two. I'll look like some loser who couldn't even scrape up a date.
Oh... oh, yes... oh, it's everything I've ever imagined it would be and more!
That's power. Oh, Daphne, listen, call me Frasier. I don't want people to know that you work for me, all right? If they ask, we've been dating for six months.
Oh, now just stop that!
Oh, Niles, Niles! How goes the chase?
Listen, my date canceled, Daphne's filling in, all right? You can't honestly think that I would end up going out with Daphne?
On a completely unrelated topic, where's Maris?
Accidents will happen.
My god! Niles, feel this leather! Oh, I have had pudding stiffer than this!
Yes, Niles, I'm sure it was very satisfying being Phi Beta Kappa at Yale, but surely you would have been happier to wear the orange and black of Princeton.
Allow me. I'm Dr. Frasier Crane, and this is my brother, Dr. Niles Crane, the eminent psychiatrist.
Thanks.
Van Cortland? I thought he lost his membership in the S & L scandal.
Oh, he was innocent?
That's very amusing, Niles, using humor to defuse a tense situation. I'm sure that stood you in good stead when you were in prison for threatening the president.
No, no.
Oh, yes, I'd like two ounces of your best 18-year-old Lowland single malt scotch.
Oh, there’s Niles. No, don't look at him! Pretend we don't even see him.
Thanks to that backstabber, I will never get to say the phrase I've been rehearsing for a lifetime: “If you need me, I'll be at my club.”
Well, yes! But I was the first to apologize last time. Oh, wait - that means it's his turn! Oh, goody, I can be mature about this!
Niles.
After last night's behavior, I believe an apology is in order.
“Well,” what?
No, you didn’t!
So you did. That means it is my turn again... Damn! I'm sorry.
I can't believe we just turned on each other like that.
Hello? Yes, I see. Thank you very much for calling. Goodbye.
Niles...
Believe me, Niles, your getting passed up like this has drained every drop of joy from this.
YES!!! I got in, I got in! I got... shout it from the rooftops! Lattes for everyone! This is the proudest day of my life!
Of course, what really matters is family.
Dad, what are you doing?
With my twenty-six-dollar-a-pound imported prosciutto?
Not unless he can sing the love duet from Tosca.
Down to the Empire Club. I've come to a moral decision. I'm going to insist that they give Niles my membership.
Yes well, I put myself in Niles' place. After all, he’s spent the last fifteen years diligently trying to climb Seattle's social ladder, then I waltz in and within two years I'm known throughout the city. To top it all off, I end up grabbing the prize he's wanted most of all. It just isn't fair.
Thank you, Dad. I might as well say this while I still can: "If anyone needs me... I'll be at my club."
Yes well, I see the prosciutto isn’t the only imported ham in the house.
Excuse me, is the club president here?
Thank you.
Excuse me, Mr. Drake?
Dr. Frasier Crane.
Thank you. Sir, I've come here on a matter personal business. It's about my brother, Niles. You see, Niles is a sort of... Oh... ohhhh! Oh my God! This leather’s as soft as a baby's bottom!
Oh, yes! Yes, indeed, yes. Darned good one too, sir. Yes, as I was saying, although my brother may seem a bit priggish at times, believe me, he's one of the most discriminating people I've ever known. In fact, I think you'd be hard pressed to find a bigger snob in this room, I mean...
1896?!
Glad to be aboard, sir! No, no, no... No, I came down here to simply say that my brother deserves membership more than I do, and I would like to step down in his favor.
Yes, yes I am... after all, blood is thicker than port. I stand corrected!
Radio psychiatrist? But Niles...
Mr. Drake, there's been a terrible mistake.
Niles!
Niles, you don't understand!
But, Niles-!
Okay...
Niles, they got our names mixed up. I didn't get in, you did.
It was you they wanted all along.
Niles, come along. We don't need this club. Let us leave with the dignity with which we came.
Brian, let me assure you. No one is a born scatterbrain! You simply have to develop your powers of concentration. On a trip to the Amazon I was able to observe the hunters of the primitive Shipibo tribe. With nothing more than a crude blowgun they can bring down small monkeys from the forest canopy high above their heads. How?
Focus, and mental discipline. And that’s what we have to work on, Brian. Focus on one thing and not allow ourselves to be distracted by a single- WE’VE BEEN NOMINATED FOR A SEABEA!!!
Of course, we should never become so single-minded that we don’t allow ourselves to be spontaneous. We’ll be back right after this.
Oh, Roz. This is wonderful. They like me, they really like me.
Well, that’ll be enough of that!
Roz. Listen, I bought this for you this morning and I was hoping that I wouldn’t have to say this was just for being you...
And wonder why you bothered having your hair done!
Well, I understand congratulations are in order for you as well, Bulldog. What is this now? Four nominations, three wins?
Thank you, Roz. Whom do we have?
Oh, Kari.
And this hurts me how?
Hello Seattle, we’re back. Got time for just one more call. So, Roz – who do we have on the line?
Hello. You’re on with Frasier Crane.
Well, thank you for being so sweet.
Well, thank you for being...
If that’s all?
Yes, I bought it to give to... Excuse me?
My regular routine?
Well, goodbye Kari. Well that’s all our time for today, Seattle. Goodbye and good listening.
I don’t think it’s so weird. It’s hardly following. Maybe she hangs out at Café Nervosa too and the florist is right next door.
Oh Roz I hate that word, “creeps.” There’s a lot of odd people in this business. I never refer to any of them as a “creep.”
Although some people do send me groping for synonyms.
Ah, what are you up to?
Well, I can hardly be surprised. Any particular reason?
Yes, well I’m sorry. It’s not like I’m nominated for a SeaBea every year. Oh, wait a minute – yes, it is!
You just made that up, didn’t you?
What’s this? “Dear Dr. Crane. A little bit of me to wrap around your neck. Your number one fan, Kari.”
Yes, but when did she find the time to put it in my briefcase? I haven’t had it out of my hand all day except when I was in the barber’s chair.
Well, she’s a very devoted fan.
Oh, she does not.
Anybody here besides me think we should put a two-way lock on her door?
Dad, she’s not a weirdo. She’s just a woman who finds me utterly fascinating
In any case, I do think that her invading my space is inappropriate. I hardly think we should start barricading the door.
Niles, you make me sound like a goat staked out in a clearing. No one is hunting me down. No one is closing in on me.
Oh, look. These must be from the station. “From your number one fan Kari. Your time has come. You’re finally going to get what you deserve.”
Stop it, Niles. She’s probably just referring to the fact that it’s time I win this award. Try as you will, you are not going to turn me into some sort of a nervous wreck.
It’s just not going to happen!
Well, what seems to be the source of your depression, Madman?
Madman...
Maybe...
Fortunately, so do I. Well, that’s about all the time we have today, folks. Stay tuned for Bob "Bulldog" Briscoe after these paid commercial messages.
Roz, what is the matter with you? You’re supposed to be screening these calls!
I was hoping a stern warning would do the trick.
It’s barely noticeable.
Roz, I’m sure that with enough foundation and some contouring, maybe a little shadowing... Have you considered wearing a beekeeper’s mask?
Gee, Roz. It’s been sort of a tough week for me too, you know? Kari has taken to putting notes in my briefcase. She’s even been to my apartment.
Yes, I understand she bent his whisk and scratched all his Teflon!
No, no, no. I have a hard time believing that Kari poses a real threat. I mean she doesn’t even have the nerve to come up and look at me face to face. Lord knows she’s had the opportunity.
Tea good for your nose?
Roz, you’re dripping all over the console
Kari?
I have no idea. “I’m very disappointed in you, Dr. Crane. You didn’t wear the scarf I knitted you even though it was very cold. The last man who disappointed me that way... is in his grave. P.S. – I’ll be at the awards tonight and I’ll be looking for you. Your number one fan, Kari.”
Oh, you’re right, Daphne. After all, what do I have to be nervous about? I’m only up for a major award. If I lose I’ll be devastated. If I win then a madwoman who’s been stalking me will have a clear shot when I accept!
Dad, there’s a big difference between a policeman and a skilled bodyguard. These people are trained to size up a crowd, plan escape routes, even get shot if necessary.
Oh yes, that’s just what your personality needs – another bullet!
That must be him. Who is it, please?
That’s not very funny.
Apparently he’s stuck in traffic.
Well, you’re a fountain of comfort this evening.
That must be my muscle.
Dear God, it’s a woman. Where’s my bodyguard when I need him?
I was expecting someone big and wide like a Dominic, a Rocko, a Ruth even.
Hello. So glad to see you.
Oh my God, it is Kari!
Tina?
I suppose you’re right. I just start to feel silly when I act paranoid.
This is my brother Dr. Niles Crane, my father Martin and his home care specialist Daphne Moon.
No, no.
And Eddie would go for your ankles!
Niles – call Cindy. Put it on speaker.
Hello.
Kari?
Kari, wait.
That is my producer Roz. She’s harmless. She just has a pimple on her nose. Looks like some kind of biblical plague!
Roz, Roz, over here. Oh, give me that, will you? You look beautiful. Come join us.
Stop that! Now Roz, listen, you look terrific. You’ve done a wonderful little job with your problem there. It’s practically disappeared.
Careful. She has a concealed weapon.
You know, I wish this woman would just make her move. I hate this looking over my shoulder thinking it could be anyone.
All right.
Niles, just hear me out on this. Didn’t it seem curious to you that Cindy was so quick to dismiss Dad’s theory? Cindy who is not wearing a red dress?
Shh!
Shh!!
SHH! Think about it. She was conveniently out of the apartment at precisely the moment the stalker phoned.
What if it is Cindy? Why hasn’t she made her move?
Oh, I’m not nervous. I’m just a little chilly. It’s a cold night.
Yes, I suppose I should have. Believe me, I meant to. Honest. Where is that elevator?
Oh my God!
There!
There, behind the bar!
Roz, Roz, find Cindy!
Oh, I’m so sorry Mrs. Littlejohn. You see, it’s just that, I’m being stalked by this woman named Kari and when you said that you’d been waiting for me, I...
Oh, well, who’s got a pen?
Oh, I’ll tell you what happened. The paranoia has turned me into a crazy person. First I though you were the stalker. Then I thought she was the stalker, You know, I’ve had enough of this. I’m gonna confront this thing face to face.
Everyone! I will be in the lobby.
I WILL BE IN THE LOBBY!
Well, I’m here – you demented harpy. Come and get me.
Kari?
Alright, I know you’re down here. Come on out and face me! Not so brave anymore, huh? You think you’re tough but you’re only tough as long as you’re hiding in the shadows. You wanna see who’s really tough? You just come on out here!
When I said "tough" I was speaking clearly in a rhetorical sense.
Would... er... any of you happen to have the time?
Would any of you like the time?
Oh, Dad, Dad, please. Coaster. Your beer is sweating.
Oh, Mrs. Greenway! What a pleasant surprise.
Won't you come in?
Mrs. Greenway, there's no way Eddie could be the father, he's been neutered.
Oh, my God! They're miniature Eddies!
Oh! Bad dog! Look what you did!
Here, take these. Dad, Dad, I expect an explanation. All this time I thought Eddie had been fixed.
Well, I am glad to say I've never been that bored.
Oh, for God's sake, please, don't love them. They'll think they're staying. Keep them off the couch. What were you thinking, letting him run free in the park? Haven't you ever seen the way he tries to romance my towel warmer?
Apparently, that's not all he got.
STOP! Dogs only need names if you are planning to call them to you, which we are not. Oh, now listen you, you get right back in there, you mangy little thing. Oh, my God... all right, all right, now I've got to run down to the radio station, but believe me we are going to be having a discussion about this when I get...
Yes, well you better. Now, Daphne, give me that box, please.
To see if I can unload some of them down at the station.
No, no, we don't want them taking after their father.
Though it may be too late already. Oh, for God's sake, STOP STARING AT ME!
Hello, Roz, don't you look lovely...
But I didn't say anything!
In my living room. These are Eddie's mongrel seed. You don't know anybody that wants six puppies, do you?
Oh, please! I've been traipsing up and down the hallway for an hour, trying to unload them; I haven't had the slightest bit of luck.
You know, Roz, it's entirely possible that there's a dog lover inside of you that's just dying to get out. Don't you think so?
Come on, come on, just, just take a look, just have a look, let's have a look...
Roz! How can you just toss him aside after such a tender display of affection?
Oh, Phil, puppy, puppy! They're all on to me. All right, now, you guys behave yourselves.
Hello, Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane coming to you from KACL 780 talk radio. I'll be with you for the next three hours. So Roz, who's our first caller?
Hello, Rita, I'm listening.
Have you considered getting a puppy?
I thought you might like some wine and paté, and I made some lemonade for the children...
Where are the Thomases? Why is that dog still here?
For God's sake, he works at the zoo! She's a nurse, Billy's an altar boy and Kathy is a Camp-Fire Girl!
They had a ten-acre farm! If they'd have taken me, I'd have gone with them!
Well, no, I'm not saying that. It's just that he can't stay here.
Oh, hello, Niles. Come on in.
Say no more, you're welcome to hide out here.
Yes, but that's the last one. I'd even managed to find a nice home for him, but Daphne thought the family wasn't nice enough. Some paté, Niles?
Oh, Daphne, that is preposterous! Letting a dog choose your dates?
Daphne, would you mind taking the dog away, please? Get back on the phone with the Thomases, tell them we've reconsidered.
Thank you.
I told you not to name them!
Dad, I seem to remember that Eddie had a little appointment down at the vet's. Can't help but notice he still has that certain spring in his step.
You are going to reschedule, aren't you?
That's the second time you've canceled that appointment. What seems to be the problem?
Eddie, just stop! Oh, Niles, you have liver behind your ears.
So you're telling me that you had a wad of cold meat behind your ears and didn't feel it?
Dad, Dad, listen: I want your assurance that you'll take care of this.
You promise?
Apparently he's got some sort of psychological block against taking Eddie down there. Guess I'm gonna have to do it. Somebody has to be responsible in this family. OK, come on, Eddie let's go. Good boy. Eddie? Uh, Niles...
You know, Niles, perhaps it's best we don't discuss the operation. We might spook him
Well, he understands the word B - A - T - H. God knows how much english he's picked up.
Ah, bon, bon. Je marcherai derriere lui..
Ah. C'es vrais, mais...oh, what are we doing? Eddie, come here! This is ridiculous. Look at him. Oh, for Pete's sake.
What are you staring at? You know why you're here, don't you? Well now, listen, it's for your own good. Believe me you'll be much happier afterwards. Look, your day-to-day routine, it'll be exactly the same. You'll be able to sleep, run around with your little buddies, go play in the woods, chase the birds, lick your... did I mention sleep?
Well, of course he's all right, Dad. Why are you getting so upset? I'm only doing this to help you out.
Look, we agreed that this had to be done, right? Now, you seem to be have a problem with it, so I took charge.
Why are you so upset? It doesn't matter who brought him down here.
Me?!
Dad, I'm sorry. There was no luck at the pound. They said they'd call if they find a dog matching Eddie's description. A five hundred dollar reward for Eddie?!
Are you sure it's enough?
Look, Dad, I said I was sorry.
The park again? What makes you think he's gonna show up there?
Well, I suppose so, yeah.
To the park!
Oh, yes, wouldn't want to go out in the wilds without one of the world’s great outdoorsmen!
I couldn't find him.
Ah, we split up to cover more ground.
You know, Dad, maybe we oughta call it a night. You've been sittin' in this car for three hours.
I think I can guess.
Thank you for clearing that up.
Big, huh?
Oh, Dad, it's like a blast furnace in here.
All right.
You know Dad, I've just developed a very intersting theory about you...
If that's your attitude, just forget it!
Hello? Oh, Niles!
Just a second, Niles, let me put you on speaker-phone here. Hang on. OK, go ahead, Niles.
All right, all right, Niles, just, just remain calm. Let me think back to my Boy Scout training. All right, now, we're on the northeast corner of the park... all right, look into the heavens and see if you can spot the North Star. Then you want to turn twelve degrees to your right...
Be sure to call us from the curb when you get there, so we know you're safe.
No, that's all right, Dad. I'll stay for a little while longer.
Who?
Thank you!
From a psychological standpoint, it makes perfect sense. Slowly, over the years, your responsibilities have been taken away from you, and you, well, you feel symbolically castrated.
All right, all right. Well, maybe my rules are too rigid. Maybe I should try to relax a little.
You know, Dad, a lot of people confuse not being in charge with not being respected. I hope you're not making that mistake, because you command a great deal of respect. There's not a day in my life when I don't hold myself up to the Martin Crane yardstick. I guess a son always wants to make his father proud.
So...?
You know, I'm not sure I could have made Eddie go through with that operation, anyway. That's a tough thing for a guy to do to another guy.
You know what? It's getting kinda late. What do you say we go home and get some sleep?
Hello, Eddie. Good dog - oh, wet dog!
Dad! That's a hundred percent cashmere pull-over! It's meant to be worn with the collar up.
Well, that's it for today. Goodbye, and good listening.
Little off our game today, aren't we, Roz? Is something wrong?
Somebody you know this time?
Oh, Roz, don't be ridiculous. I care about you. If you have a problem, and I can help, I'd love to. Just keep the details on a need-to-know basis.
Uh, Roz, is this—?
Well, uh, Roz, do you love him?
There is no more emotionally charged phrase in the language than "I love you." Some people are just incapable of saying it, it makes them too vulnerable. My father, for instance, incapable of saying "I love you," even to me. But I know he does.
What is that supposed to mean?!
Very simple, Roz. Do you remember when I said that I cared about you and I'd like to help?
I take it back.
Yes, Niles, I used to have the same problem with my multiple personality patients. They always kept saying that the other one had sent the check!
Yes, it's time for Dad's annual ice-fishing trip to Lake Nomahegan.
How can we if you're taking all the pork rinds?
Dad, look, as much as I'd like to do something with you this weekend, I'm afraid ice fishing just isn't it. Oh, look, look, here's an idea! You know what, they're doing a revival of "The Iceman Cometh" playing downtown! Now, you see, we could catch a matinee, and then go out for sushi, and stay well within the same theme music, you know?
You, ice-fishing?
Niles, you get a runny nose watching figure skating on TV.
Yes, well, Niles, that's quite a gesture. But I mean, really, ice-fishing? In an arctic tundra where large men spit and it freezes in their beards?
Morning, Daphne.
Well, you're in a good mood.
I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I am staying.
Did he just say "I love you" to the dog?
Does he say that to Eddie a lot?
I'm sorry, Daphne, I’m just curious. I don't mean to sound maudlin, but, you know I can't remember Dad ever saying that to me.
Well, yes, but he says it to Eddie, you know he said it to Duke the other day on the phone...
And I'm not?
So you're suggesting that I go along and pretend I'm enjoying myself, doing something that gives me absolutely no pleasure at all, just to hear the words "I love you?"
You look like a skinny Elmer Fudd.
You know, Dad, maybe I was a little hasty...
Dad, you know, I feel kind of bad that I turned you down when you invited me...
How can I? I already said I didn't want to.
You know, guys, it's kind of a long trip. Are you sure you're up to the drive?
Oh, all right! Better than hearing you nag, nag, nag all the time! Fine, I'll go!
Well, I'm-I'm sorry, Dad. It's just that when you said Duke rented a cabin "on the lake," this is not what I had in mind.
Yes — a few degrees warmer, it'll be IN the lake.
Well, it's not that I'm complaining. It's just that I thought it would be something more... well, lake-adjacent. Are we actually going to sleep in here?
"Bed 'N Bass" — yes, one of the finer fish-themed hotels.
So, what do we do? We make a hole in the ice with this little corkscrew-thingy and then just start fishing?
Well, imagine my embarrassment.
What am I gonna sit on?
I'm not bored. I was simply wondering how long we've been sitting here enjoying ourselves.
Which, coincidentally, is the last time anyone caught a fish in it.
Oh, Alex, I'll take "Bodies of Water" for five hundred!
How would you like to be sleeping with them?!
Well, I'm sorry, it's just that my back hurts, I'm hungry, and I'm tired of sitting here trying to warm up one bun at a time in twenty-degree weather! That's negative six degrees Celsius, a system named after Anders Celsius, the famed Swedish astronomer and compulsive temperature-taker! Niles, switch!
I am not.
Oh my God, I don't even know why I'm here!
Oh fine, that's just what I need, a brisk five-mile hike through sub-freezing temperature.
Fine.
Oh, no. Where?
This is just dandy! By morning we'll be Stoafer's Frozen Entrées for wolves!
All right, mister, I don't trust you. Give me those right now.
Me? You throw like a girl!
Boy, I never thought I'd end up yearning for the Bed ‘N Bass. Niles?
My God, what was that?
One more fact, you're going in that hole!
OK, that's it!
All right, all right. Ooh, I know, there's a wonderful drinking song from "La Traviata" called, uh, "Libiamo Brindisi!"
No, it's from "La Traviata!"
Well, I'm still thirsty, Niles. Here, "Beam" me up.
Niles, do you mind if I ask you a personal question? What the hell are you doing here?
You know, this whole "Sergeant Niles of the Yukon" act. I mean, come on, it can't be all to impress Daphne—
Niles, in twenty years, I've never heard you comment on fish except to say that the sauce had separated.
You'll have to take that hat off.
You want him?
Well, Niles, I think you've made a connection. It just seems a little extreme though, you know? You probably could have accomplished the same thing if you'd just taken him to Captain Andy's Surf N’ Turf!
So you're having just a bad a time as I am!
Oh no. Don't be reaching for that scepter yet, son. Want to know the reason I came up here?
It was just to hear him say the words "I love you."
Yeah, well, you know — he said it to Duke, he said it to Eddie. He's never said it to me.
Oh yeah, of course I do. I'm being ridiculous, I know that. I mean, look at the guy! He's content just to sit here freezing his buns off because we're sitting here with him. It’s just I guess I just got a little obsessed about, you know, hearing it. Well, I mean, you know that Maris loves you, right? But it's still nice to hear it.
As they laugh the laugh of the damned.
We're leaving quite the urological crossword puzzle out there, aren't we?
Oh, nothing.
Well... all right, O.K. I was just explaining to Niles the reason why I drove all this way up here was to... I was hoping I'd hear you say the words, "I love you."
Okay, okay, forget about it.
Sure.
Haven't we been here that long?
Dad, that's exactly what we were saying.
Dad, you don't have to say it.
Dad, listen, you know you can say it. I mean, I heard you say it to Duke.
We’d take “ya.”
Thanks, Dad. I love you too.
I love you...
That's a wonderful idea, you're quite a sport.
And yet...
Just stop right there, Roz. I do not go out on blind dates. They're demeaning and a hideous waste of time. No, thank you, no.
Oh! What time should he pick her up?
Yes! That also goes for games with balls, domestic beer, and giant trucks that roll over smaller ones.
Hello, all. Niles, are you going to be spending the evening with us?
She wanted you out of the house, huh?
Oh, Dad, I have a proposal for you. Seems there's a woman in Roz's building who would like to go out with you. Roz says that she's got a wonderful personality.
Just hear me out. She likes sports, she likes beer...
Yes, but Duke won't kiss you good night at the end of the evening.
Maris has a fencing instructor?
He's Bavarian?
Am I?
Maris is learning German, huh? Just when you thought she couldn't get any cuddlier.
Dad! Dad! I have to talk to you about Niles. I got a call on the show today from a German woman whose husband is a fencing instructor who she suspects is having an affair with his wealthy new client.
Don't you find that the least bit incriminating?
Yes, but are they wealthy students?
Yes, well, in the midst of that slag heap of sarcasm, I suppose there may be a kernel of truth. I guess I could just be letting my imagination run away with me.
God, I remember how Niles used to love these models. Oh God, remember that Christmas Mom got him the "Visible Man and Woman?" He had to glue all of the internal organs in the right place.
Yes, well, Niles was getting on my nerves, so I had to go in and steal his ovaries.
Sorry I'm late, Roz.
Yes. He's not interested.
I'm sorry. I've had my quota of pity-dates.
Wow!
Gretchen!
I want her first!
Oh, just tell him to hang on and relax, we've all been there!
What makes you think there's something going on?
Nothing's going on.
All right, yes! But it's nobody you know. Her husband's a good friend of mine. Oh, how can I tell him, he'll be crushed.
I-I can't do that!
It's-it's not that easy, you don't know this woman! She doesn't deal with confrontation very well. I once questioned the political correctness of her serving veal. An hour later, we found her locked in the garage with the engine running on her golf cart!
"Mrs. Crane is in the box."
Maris? This is Frasier. I am tired of waiting for you to come out of this ridiculous deprivation tank. Now, listen. We've got to talk, we've got to talk about Niles.
Will you come out of there! Look, Maris... I know that you're having an affair. But I care for you both, and I want to help you do what's best for your marriage.
Oh, will you stop this! Just come out of this box! All right, all right! I'm going to open this door! I'm going to count to three and I don't care if you're naked! I'm going to count to ten! Oh, the hell with this! All right!
Niles... I'm so sorry. Marta, you said Mrs. Crane was in the box!
No, that's MISTER Crane!
You're right, Dad, and you know what? Maybe it's wise for us not to let on how worried we are. It'll only add to his anxiety.
Hello, Niles!
Yes, yes, yes. Oh God, you know, I'm all out of brandy. I have a marvelous sherry here, a couple of fine ports... oh, and this lovely new bottle of twelve-year-old unblended scotch. It's a little bit peaty—
Nothing? Well, when I left, you were about to storm up to Maris's bedroom and have it out with her.
Well, I'm glad you ended up here.
You know, Niles, Maris may have temporarily succumbed to Gunnar's Teutonic charms, but in the end I'm sure she'll choose the man who's intelligent and sensitive.
Yes, well, you know this has nothing to do with Gunnar and everything to do with you and Maris. Do you remember the advice you gave me when I was having my problems with Lilith? You said that I should talk to her and find out why she did what she did.
Yes, we did.
Oh. Oh, well, all right. I've only got half of them, though. Lilith got the rest in the divorce settlement.
Did I just hear Niles leave?
My God, Dad, how could you let him go? What if this Gunnar guy doesn't want to get straightened out? What if he wants to fight?
Niles...
Niles...
Niles, he wouldn't know the meaning of the word "dog," "cat," or "pencil!" He doesn't speak English, remember?!
Uh, habla alleman?
Apparently she worked for a German family that turned up in Guatemala... just after the war.
Niles, Niles, just wait!
Look at him! God, if he knew you were calling him "strudel boy," he'd be wiping his feet on your face!
Oh, all right. Senor Crane quiere que preguntas a Gunnar, uh, "Como se atrevez a robar mis zapatos!"
Oh yes, Niles, that's just what we need, a fourth language! Niles, you can't possibly fight this man!
Yes, oh, so what? The man was obviously born with a sword in his hand! He probably performed his own Caesarean!
Niles! Niles! Niles, my God, are you all right?
He says he wants you to apologize. He didn't steal... your shoes.
Yes, I'm sorry. Apparently I mistranslated. Look, he didn't mean, uh... not shoes, wife! No zapatos, esposa!
He couldn't help himself, Maris is irresistible. Irresistible?
O-kayy.
Oh, but she refused him.
Verdad?
Que decia?
"I love Niles."
Oh lord, if only I can do something to help Gunnar and Gretchen.
Ja, ja, uh... Tell him that his wife loves him very much. Uh, I mean, diga a Gunnar que su esposa le ama mucho.
No, no, not me! You, you! Marta, damn your pronoun problems!
All right, then, you hapless wretch!
Oh, Niles!
Ah, the self-pity special.
Who's winning?
Domestic?
Who?
Oh! Oh, Bebe's here! Oh, yes. Now, listen Niles, I care for her just as little as you do, but she is a terrific agent, which is why I overlook the fact that she's pushy and obnoxious and the most appalling phony I've ever known. Bebe, darling, how are you!
Well, you must have heard wrong, Bebe. They extended my contract for another year with an eight-percent raise.
Well, Bebe, that is what my contract calls for.
I thought it was a very generous offer.
Good lord, am I really that hot?
Listen Bebe, I realize that the station is making a handsome profit on my show, but what can I do? I do have a contract.
What?
Well, you know, I-I think I see where you're going with this, Bebe, and I’m not sure how I feel about it.
Who makes more?
Father Mike? He took a vow of poverty!
Bebe, this fever of mine... how much higher do you think it might go?
Well, what can I say but, uh... Ah-choo!
No, thank you.
My God, let's see, they've got Sky, Zena, and Slate.
Is this how you spend your days when I'm not at home?
Oh, you wouldn't want to miss a line of this dialogue. "Oh, Zirconia, can't you see Stone doesn't love you? He loves Placenta!"
Oh dear, Dad, if you're going to be so devilishly subtle, how will I ever get your point?
Yes, well, my words have doubled the station's ad revenues All they’ve shown me for thanks is a measly eight-percent raise!
Dad, you don't understand, this is show business—
Thank you, Daphne. You see, we do things differently. Negotiations are like a, are like a dance. They expect me to fight my contract. They know I'm not sick. I know they know I'm not sick. They know I know they know I'm not sick. It's all part of the negotiations mambo.
Roz, how goes things at the front?
Perfect!
No, Bebe told me they might do that. It's part of a negotiation tactic, it shows that they're getting nervous.
Roz, Roz, they're just trying to scare me.
Thank you, Dad! They're just bluffing, it's like a card game.
They're interviewing people?
Well, there's no need to panic, Roz. I'm sure it's all part of the dance.
Oh my God, they've cleaned out my cubicle? Listen, Mike, you're up on all the gossip — I mean, they're just bluffing, right?
Oh, Bebe, Bebe, have you heard what’s going on? They've cleaned out my cubicle, they're auditioning other people—
Well, no, no, but the stress of not worrying is starting to get to me. I don't know if I can take much more of this!
It might!
Eleven forty-five. Oh, God. It’s over. They’ve made the decision, it’s over. Well, it was a fun run while it lasted, eh, Seattle? This is Dr. Frasier Crane! And I was listening!
Oh, watching a loved one be autopsied?
Oh, you're right, Bebe, you're right! My God, if they're foolish enough to let me go, well then, fine! There are any number of other stations that would love to have Frasier Crane on board!
Yes. But you know, in fact, I think it's time maybe we discussed those other offers, consider what our fallback position should be.
Bebe... tell me there are other offers.
Now you look me in the eye and tell me the truth!
Oh my God!
You're supposed to bluff them, not me! My God, woman, are you trying to ruin me?!
Now don't you patronize me, you sweet-talking succubus! You get on the phone and call them!
Answer it.
ANSWER IT!
Well?
Oh! Oh, dear God! Oh, we did it! Oh my God, I'm so pleased. Thank you, Bebe.
Yes, oh, I’m so sorry, you're right, I underestimated you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for that horrible outburst and for grabbing you the way I did.
Champagne, on top of scotch? Oh, what the hell.
No, no — to a remarkable agent. What Bebe wants, Bebe gets. When will I ever learn that?
Oh God...
How do I look?
The station agreed to renegotiate.
Yes, they called around five to midnight... and Bebe and I had some champagne to celebrate, and then... and then... Oh, God.
Somebody hold me.
Well, I'm, I’m a little surprised myself.
We did?
Uh, you know what would really hit the spot right now?
Coffee! I meant coffee.
Oh no no no, that's not necessary—
Come on in, Niles, it's all right.
We were celebrating. You see, the station called to renegotiate my contract.
Oh, all right, just go ahead, get your shots in!
No, Dad, she’s—she's changing. Oh my God, how did this happen?
Oh, I've got to talk with her, I've got to tell her this was all just a mistake.
No, no, no, Dad, I can't tell her right now. She's about to go down there and renegotiate my contract. I'll tell her later.
Uh, Bebe—
Bebe, um, I don't think there are any words to describe what we shared last night...
You see, I- as magical as it was, I –I don't think it's the kind of thing we should let happen again.
Well, you see, I value you too much as a colleague to do anything that might jeopardize that relationship.
Oh, you're upset.
It is, it really is.
Oh, like you never crawled under the wrong fence once in your life!
Of course not, Niles. I'm still worried about Bebe.
Well, she did, but you know how it is with strong women. Sometimes their strength masks their vulnerability. Well, let's face it. Once a woman has dipped her toe into Crane Lake, dry land is never the same again.
You can make light of this if you want to, but it is entirely possible that I broke that woman's heart!
No one! Niles, be quiet!
Oh my God! This is all my fault!
What happened?
Bebe, it's Frasier. Please come in.
All right, I'm going out there.
No, Roz, why don't you toss a pumpkin out the window so I have a clear image just before I try?!
No, no! No, that woman out there needs me. Bebe, I'm coming out.
Bebe, please—
I'm not worth doing this over. Look, there'll be other men. It may take time, but you'll get over me.
What?
Are you out of your mind? Now listen, you're coming in, you're coming in right now!
God, you are out of your mind! You-you need help, you should be in therapy!
There are... hundreds of reasons! Work! Art! The people who care about you! Now come in, you crazy bitch!
What?
No!
Oh, God... Oh God... just get in.
Well... thank you, Tom. If I could just have a moment alone with Bebe?
What kind of a woman are you? You seduced me, you lied to me, you nearly got me killed! You've shamelessly manipulated not only me, but this station, the news media, and the entire city of Seattle! What do you have to say for yourself?!
Yes, I... suppose I am.
Not comping your check anymore?
You know, Orsini's used to be my favorite restaurant. You ever been there, Roz?
Hello, Niles. It's not really a good time for a visit, show starts in two minutes.
Yes, well, she'd have to be, wouldn't she?
Oh, Niles, guess what thriving Seattle night spot is closing its doors.
No, Niles. Orsini's is closing.
Thank you, Roz.
Thank you, Roz. Niles, tonight let's go to Orsini's for one glorious farewell dinner.
Great. Will Maris be joining us?
What has happened to this place?
Thank you. Over here, Daph.
Oh my God, I believe it is. You know, Otto is legendary here. He's been with them forever, he never writes a single thing down, he keeps it all in his head. Otto!
No, no. Wrong table. We would like menus, please.
Oh gee, Dad, for a moment there, I thought you were going to surprise me and order a glass of wine.
I'd order him the crab cocktail, but I'm afraid the irony would be lost on him.
Yes, alas. I'm afraid we've found one old relic who's time has come to be put out of his misery. Oh no, Otto, I didn't mean you.
No, no, leave it here.
I'll try to contain my amazement.
Excellent location. If they only had valet parking...
Knocked out these pillars...
You know, I've always dreamed of owning a four-star restaurant.
Of course, we'd need a new chef.
Of course, everyone knows that. The man's scongili is a cry for help.
I'm picking out china and sandblasting the wine cave!
With all due respect, Dad, we are not exactly neophytes in this field. We know food, we know wine...
True, Niles, but I've got something very special. I was thinking about this while Dad was talking.
“Maison Crane.” Oh, God, you're right, it's a little too obvious.
There isn't one. I've got it, Niles, I've got it! Le Freres Heureux.
Yes! We'll make the place very, very exclusive! No sign on the outside, no advertisements and oh, an unlisted number!
Never mind him. I believe, Niles. Do you believe?
Yes. I'd like the whole damn place! Right from the wine cellar to the rafters!
No, no, no, Niles. That is not a dank little corner next to the men's room. That is the “Enchanted Grotto.”
Yes, Chef Maurice has really outdone himself. The menu simply cannot be improved upon.
Mmm. Yes, yes. I want those cherries to be jubilant.
Daphne, Dad, everything all right here?
It's our chef's specialty. The man can do things with eels you just wouldn't believe!
Yes, well, sorry to disappoint you Dad, but the restaurant is a success. By tomorrow we'll be the toast of Seattle.
Niles, the Grotto? Oh, Bulldog, enjoy our finest table.
Um, Maurice? It's not to second-guess your creativity, but... I thought we agreed that we would serve the soufflés in individual cups.
Change on opening night? Good lord, no, no. Start pouring, man.
Dad, Daphne, if you’re almost finished, I can call for your car.
It was Otto, the waiter. Didn't have the heart to let him go, so... Hello, Otto?
Dr. Crane, Otto. Please bring up car forty-four, please. Thank you. Little innovation of mine. This way, your car will be waiting when you're finished.
First rule of the kitchen, Niles: remain calm.
NO, NO, NO! I told you individual cups, you oaf!
Are you out of your mind?! You told him what?
Simple. We’ll just make a battlefield promotion.
Any other names you'd like to drop?
You are our new head chef.
Oh, of course you can, Niles. My God, most of the meals are already started. Dad and Daphne can help us out. Otto, cancel car number forty-four.
It's Dr. Crane! It's always Dr. Crane, I'm the only one on here!
Dad, Daphne, we need your help, we've had a little disaster.
Will you...! The entire staff has walked out, it's a long story, but Daphne, I need you in the kitchen; and I need you behind the bar, Dad. You can gloat later.
Roz! Roz! Roz! Oh, Roz!
Brad, pleasure.
Oh, yes, yes.
Yes, I certainly have. But before you sit at it, there's something I want to discuss with you.
Oh, try to fool you...
Dad...
Listen, Niles is starting to panic in the kitchen. I don't know if we're going to be able to pull this thing off.
Well, maybe you're right. Maybe honesty is the best policy. Everyone? Excuse me. Ladies and gentlemen, I would just like to say...
Bon appetite! Gil! Gil, my God, what a surprise to see you. I thought you never reviewed opening night.
Oh, well, that's... We're so booked up I don't know if we can accommodate you.
Well, that was his old specialty. You really must try his new specialty: scrambled eggs. Eels it is.
ALL RIGHT, STOP IT! Get a grip. You're not being asked to do anything that none of us hasn't done before in our own kitchens in our own homes. Now quick, Niles, kill five eels!
I'm serious! Every restaurant critic in Seattle is out there and they all want anguille, so start killing eels!
How do I know? You're the chef. Throw a toaster in the damn tank for all I care!
Not to worry, Gil, the eels are on their way.
Our chef is in the process of...
...frying them now.
Niles, this veal piccata has to be veal marsala!
All right, fine. You flame them, I'll be out to serve them.
Niles, how are those eels coming?
Oh no, Niles! Take them out of the tank!
What was that?
Yes, fortunately we have a built-in safety delay for just this sort of thing. It gives you fifteen seconds before the sprinklers... ...kick in.
Right over there.
Good news! That was just a test!
Ladies and gentlemen, every restaurant has its little adjustment period. I'm sure someday you'll look back on this and remember it as an adventure!
Now for those of you who are leaving, please keep us in mind for your next special occasion. We plan many new and exciting innovations in the weeks to come.
Starting with our... our drive-through window.
Another question we should have asked ourselves before we entered the exciting world of food service.
Thanks.
You know, we could tell people he died in the explosion.
Well, Caroline, if you've been in therapy for two years and you're feeling like you're no longer making any progress, perhaps you've reached a plateau, or you and your therapist have simply gone as far as you can together.
Well, two years is certainly a long time to spend with a psychiatrist you find dry and long-winded.
Well, just consider me your mental banjo. Well, that's it for this fine Friday, Seattle. This is Frasier Crane saying, "we'll see you next week."
Oh, Roz. I've been waiting for this moment the entire week.
Roz, you have no idea how much I've been looking forward to this weekend. There comes a time when even the most conscientious of psychiatrists has had his fill of other people's problems.
Yes... that's all the clues we're going to give you.
A little offering from one of your suitors perhaps? A nice string of pearls? A teardrop pendant?
Well, on the right chain I can see that looking smart.
Oh, why didn't you go, Roz?
If I'd been there, the sound of a gunshot!
Oh, Roz, oh... There, there.
Oh, of course. I know.
Oh yes, the memories must be...
Listen, Roz. If what you're looking for is family fun tonight, why don't you come to my place? It's my Dad's birthday. I completely forgot about it last year and I'm going to make up for it this year. There's just one rule. No work, just a good time.
Roz, I insist. There's no one I enjoy partying with more than you and I just hate to see you like this. I Camembert it!
All right, it's someone's birthday! I hope you're all in the mood for a party. I know I am.
Oh, for heaven's sake, not again!
Okay, what is it this time?
Oh, stop this! You two are having the same argument all the time. You can just pick this up again tomorrow. Tonight we are going to have a party. Dad, I went down and got your favorite lemon cake. I also got some snacks and some champagne. Can we all just agree to try and have a little fun this evening? Now that is probably Roz. She's been very down this week and what she's in need of is a very happy and carefree environment. Frankly, I could use the same thing. Now can we just agree to maybe a truce?
Roz!
Listen, I have a very nice evening planned. Can we all just try to be civil?
Niles, what are you talking about?
Caroline was your patient?
Niles, I merely suggested that she consider a change.
NO, WAIT! Roz, where are you going?
We were just talking. That wasn't fighting. We were talking.
Well, I hope you're happy. You've ruined her evening.
Don't panic. There's certainly worse places we could all be in a blackout.
Oh my God, Roz!
Oh, Daphne, where are the hurricane lamps?
All right. Dad, why don't you light a fire?
I've found him!
All right.
Oh Roz, Roz! You’re all right.
People... people... SILENCE, ENFANTS!!! Now we can all sit here in the dark and be miserable or we can try to have some fun.
Well, Niles has voted. Who votes for fun?
Thank you, Daphne.
Well, there's no need to worry, ladies. The freezer will keep them cold for at least 24 hours.
You know what we need to do? We need to liven things up a little bit. How about a game? What was that game we played at the Rambican's when they were costuming the servants for the living chess match. It was... er... oh yes, I remember – "I'm the dullest person."
Well, that's got things shakin’. OK, come on, Dad.
What the game is – we all get pennies and we're supposed to try and get the other person's pennies.
All right now. If I was going to go I would say, "I am the dullest person because... I have never been on a rollercoaster." All right? And then all of you that have been on a rollercoaster would give me a penny. Now we all have our pennies. Who would like to go first? Daphne?
Of course you can. Just say the first thing that comes into your mind. I'm the dullest person because...
OK – that's good, but strategically speaking that's not the best way to get our pennies. You see it should be something that someone else might have actually... ...done.
All right, Dad. Get our pennies.
Good, Dad. That's getting into the spirit of it. All right, Niles. What's something you've never done?
Will you give it a rest!
Oh, Dad, Dad. You haven't even cut your cake yet. Where are you going?
Roz. Like to have a little cake?
That's on the license plate, isn't it? Roz – what's the real reason you didn't go to your reunion? You've always made it before.
I think we have time for one more caller.
Roz, you do have a great career.
Oh, yes – the cow haberdasher. You know, Roz – ten years ago KACL didn't have any women producers? You're a pioneer. You've won awards. You help people.
Maybe you're just looking for too much from your job. Start exploring other areas of your life. Interests. Maybe a serious relationship?
Exactly, Roz.
Daphne? Are you all right?
Oh, good.
Well, how much have you saved?
No, I was just thinking I must be paying you too much.
Could it be that, maybe, you like us? You know my Grandmother used to have a cat. A mangy old thing. Kept ruining the furniture and stuff. I asked her why she kept it and she said that maybe it was because she liked having another heartbeat around the house.
Of course you could, Daphne, but maybe that's not what's important to you right now. I think you like being part of a family. What's wrong with that?
They call me demanding, do they?
And now you've learned that I'm not?
Dad, you used to talk about going to Europe when your hip improves. Now you're saying you'll never get there? What's changed?
Listen, Dad. You can still travel. You can. You can't walk around Paris – you can sit at a nice café and let Paris walk past you. Maybe buy a glass of wine for a beautiful Mademoiselle. Get yourself a nice bottle imported beer.
In Paris, Ballantine's is imported beer. And you are the handsome american with the adorable accent.
Here, Niles. Let me take your coat.
Oh, Niles. You're being silly and irrational.
You're acting just like Dad.
You know you're not really mad at me, Niles. You know I didn't tell that woman to leave you. I merely suggested it as an option. It was all her choice. Could it be that you're really upset just because you couldn't help that woman?
I think I'm right.
Yes, I think I do. Niles, you're a perfectionist. As faults go that's not such a bad one to have.
What about our party?
No, no, no thank you. I'm not really in the mood anymore.
Excuse me! Just a second. I think maybe it's time for a little lesson about what it's like to live the life this particular party pooper. I spend the whole damn week ministering to the troubled and the neurotic and the sometimes just plain goofy. Then I hang up my earphones and it doesn't end there. Out on the street, at the café, even in this building – more people come up for help, more problems. I suppose they just think it's OK, it's what I do. But every time I try to help them it costs me a little piece of myself. A little bit here, a little bit there, a little bit here, a little bit there... until I end up feeling like a zebra carcass on the Serengeti surrounded by burping vultures! Well, this happened to be one of those weeks. I had my escape planned. I was going to come home for an evening of fun with my extended family. What do I get? I get the four of you going at each other like the Borgias on a bad day! So I roll up my sleeves, and I tend to each one of you. And you all feel better. And the minute you get a whiff of mesquite coming from down below, you are out the door without so much as a “thank you.” Well, thank you for the invitation, but I am, frankly, fed up with people and their problems. The Doctor is out.
Okay, apologies accepted!
No, no... look, I-I love you all. I really do. But what I want right now is to be left alone, right here, where no one needs anything from me.
Oh, for God's sake, Eddie. No, I'm not going to do it. No.
Oh my God! Fire!
Dad, wake up! Dad, are you in there?
Dad, where are you? Where’s the fire?
What's burning? Where's the fire?
Thank God!
I see. What have we here? Eddie, you've been smoking in Daphne's bedroom, bad dog!
Oh, it figures, 3 AM. Of course this would happen the night before I have an early morning meeting!
Daphne, aren't you going back to bed?
Anything you'd like to talk about?
Well, so long as you’re sure.
I really wish you'd tell me about it.
Really? You've been seeing a man?
Ah, I see. You're going through a bit of a drought, eh?
Yes well, I know how bleak these times can be. But believe me, they will come to an end sooner or later. I remember a time back in Boston when I was going through exactly what you're going through now. Just a week later I met a lovely barmaid – sophisticated, if a bit loquacious. We fell madly in love, we got engaged... Of course, she left me standing at the altar. But the point is, I didn't give up. I took my poor, battered heart and offered it to Lilith... Who put it in her little Cuisinart and hit the purée button! But, I rebounded! And look how far I've come... I'm divorced, lonely, and living with my father.
Oh no, I completely forgot.
I was up till all hours of the night with Daphne, competing to see which one of us had the most pathetic love life. On the bright side, I won.
She's just having trouble finding men.
No, Roz, Roz, it's really not necessary. You do not have to donate one of your boyfriends to Daphne.
But still, one hates to break up a collection.
No.
I don't think so.
A German narcissist; now there's an appealing combination.
Alright! Niles: you are completely out of line here. And Roz: he does have a point. You and Daphne are entirely different kinds of women. Whilst Daphne is very shy and inexperienced, you are more... well, a lot more... well, actually it's hard to find anyone who's more...
No, it's what I'm trying not to say, and you're not making it very easy.
Oh, Roz, please wait.
And this concludes our test of the emergency broadcast system. Had this been a real emergency, your radio would be melting in your hands. We'll be right back after these messages.
You're still mad at me, I can tell.
Look Roz, I'm sorry if I insulted you earlier. But the truth is, I feel very protective of Daphne. See, the kind of man I'm looking for has to be good-looking, smart, successful...
Yes?
Oh! Tom, hey, it's a pleasure to meet you. I'm so sorry about missing the meeting this morning, I slept right through it.
Oh, thank you. Yes, I got this one in London at one of those custom shops just of off Sloane Square.
Really? I love London - the museums, the theatre...
I can imagine. Why did you?
Yes, I know the feeling! So, I take it then you're unattached?
Well, you may have come to the right place.
Yes. You say you're very fond of the English?
Really?
Likewise.
Uh, say Tom, this may sound like short notice, but if you're not busy Saturday, why don't you come round my place for dinner? Nothing fancy.
Great!
Hello Seattle, we're back. Roz, who do we have up next?
Hello James, I'm listening...
Will you please relax? Look, I told you, this is not a set- up. Tom doesn't even know you'll be here.
Just keep in mind, Tom is just a co-worker who's coming by for a pleasant little dinner. If some sparks should ignite, then fine, but there is no pressure, absolutely no pressure... is that what you're wearing?
Don't you have something with a little more oomph? Oh, what About that, that strapless number you have?
Well, thanks to my fraternity days, as a matter of fact I do!
Tom! Come on in.
Good to see you.
Oh my, that's my favorite. So, what do you think of this place?
It's even better from the bedroom.
Oh, just my little household: my father and his charming physical therapist, Daphne.
Oh, not at all. Except when I bring my dates home, he tries to steal them.
He's quite the old rascal!
Well, look who we have here. Tom, I'd like you to meet Daphne. Daphne this is Tom Duran.
Oh, sorry.
Yes well, Daphne feels she possesses psychic powers - you know those English eccentrics.
No, no.
Quite something, isn't she?
Tom, this is my father, Martin Crane.
And amazingly he's free for dinner on short notice. Why don't I just open some of this wonderful wine?
Well?
Yes, you've made quite an impression on him too. He thinks you're great!
Here we are, Tom. Dad, I took the liberty of selecting an amusing little vintage for you too. Sorry, I didn't bring the pull-tab so you could sniff it.
Oh yes, thank you, well don't let me keep you.
As a matter of fact, I'm introducing a man to Daphne.
Now Niles, I didn't ask Tom to dinner so he could talk with you all night in the kitchen. There are others who would like to have a crack at him!
Daphne, I think a little after dinner music would be appropriate.
She's, er, quite a woman, isn't she?
Yes?
Oh, I think I can arrange that.
Daphne!
He says he wants to be alone with you!
Yes!
Okay.
Thanks, dad.
And Niles, isn't it time you were running along too?
Good.
Yes, what is it?
Damn that Roz!
Me? That's impossible, Tom's not gay!
Well, what on earth could have made him think I was interested in him? All I did was ask him if he was attached, and then we talked about the theatre and men's fashions... Oh my God! Niles, do you realise what this means?
Yes, but he... he just never mentioned the fact he...
So... God, I hate this song.
Yes, well, I've sort of relaxed my rule for you too.
I must be downright adorable now then. Listen Tom, I'm sorry, but we seem to have gotten our lines crossed here. The truth is I'm entirely straight.
Oh no, it's true, I really am. I just invited you to dinner because you seemed so charming and you were so fond of the British, I thought you might be the perfect man for Daphne.
Don't take this wrong, but it never even occurred to me you might be gay.
Thank you. Geez, Tom, I feel just awful. Seems I've just been leading you on all night.
Yes, but I've been pouring you drinks, building up your hopes, making you think you might have found a man sophisticated and sensitive enough to help you...
Yes, of course.
For the rest of my days.
No, no, dad's not gay.
No, I'm afraid not.
Well, the jury's still out on that one.
Maggie, the first thing you have to do is sit Gavin down for a nice long conversation. A frank and honest discussion, tell him that though he wants to go at one speed you need to go at another. Tell him you're not rejecting him and that you're fond of him but if he doesn't give you some breathing room... you know, suddenly I wonder what Roz, my non-PhD holding producer thinks you should do?
And that takes us to commercial. This, for those of you that may have forgotten, is the "Dr. Frasier Crane Show!"
Oh!
Oh wonderful, another card. Of course, I, as resident wit here, will have to think of something clever to say. Well, at least I've got another gala KACL birthday bash to look forward to. I can just taste that frozen Sara Lee cake right now, whilst, on applause, a full-grown adult snuffs out a handful of tiny candles!
Oh nothing, nothing.
Yes, the pageantry never stops.
It's not my fault it broke down.
Finally a thought to raise all our spirits!
Yes, Niles! That's why on humid farms, the calf is the most made-fun-of of all the animals!
Well, don't panic, it may just be false labor.
Niles!
Dad, we'll never make it in this traffic. I think we better pull over.
Niles!
All right, there's no reason for you to be concerned. You're in the presence of two trained medical professionals. Niles, help the woman.
No, Niles! The other door.
Are you feeling faint or out of breath?
Get a hold of yourself, Niles!
Oh, Niles get out of there. I'll help her.
If it does come, I'll be here to catch it. Now listen, just continue with your breathing. Now, I don't want you feeling guilty for having your baby in a cab. No, there's nothing to be ashamed of. I'm sure many great Americans have been born this way. Cab Calloway comes to mind. My particular area of medicine is psychiatry and I like to specialize in the head, you know, not the lower portion of the body - it's much less messy that way. Not that your lower half is messy at all, it's quite beautiful... not that I'm looking! It's hurting a bit?
Yes, Niles ran down to a falafel stand for a pot of hot water.
The miracle of birth summed up in one poetic phrase.
Oh yes, of course. I remember the very first time I held him in my arms as a newborn. And it was as if everything in the universe simply melted away. There was just a father, a son and the distant sound of Lilith saying, "If you ever come near me again, Frasier, I'll drop you with a deer rifle."
Night, Dad.
I wonder how many more people she's got in there with her. Sherry, Niles?
You seem awfully reflective, is something on your mind?
Ah.
Well, it's perfectly natural to have parental stirrings around at your age.
Have you talked this over with Maris?
Well, Niles, no-one's ever really sure. You know, in schools these days, teenagers who are thinking about becoming parents are given a ten-pound sack of flour to keep with them for a week as though it were a baby.
No, no, no, they hold it, they care for it, they never let it out of their sight. It gives them a very good idea of the cost and responsibility of being a parent.
Well, I wasn't actually suggesting.
In the kitchen.
The cabinet next to the sink.
No Niles, that's the sugar. If we're going to do this, we're going to do it right.
Now, here is the flour. Bleached, one hundred percent fat free, best when kept in an airtight container. It seems this one's taking after its mother.
Hello, Niles.
Mais oui.
I see you're still continuing with our little baby experiment.
Niles, I can't help noticing that your child has a little boo-boo.
What young parent doesn't tell that story?
What did Guy do?
Guy.
Oh, who cares?
Well, actually... No.
Clarence?
Oh, down at the station, Clarence, oh yes, good. I didn't know he was sick.
You mean that wasn't a birthday card?
Oh my God, I thought it was his birthday. I wrote, "Dear Clarence, you're not getting older, you're just getting closer to death"!
I don't know, I guess I just didn't recognise the traditional card for a man in an advanced state of kidney failure was a giant pink bunny rabbit. Do you think he's read it yet?
I'm going to look like a callous fool. We've gotta get back down there and get that card back.
Oh, Niles! I don't have time to stand here and listen to your insanity, I have to go and steal a get-well card from a kidney patient!
No, no, it's "get." "Get well soon, love Andrea." Just copy it down, move onto the next name.
We'll have to transfer all the old names from this card onto the new card, as quickly as possible, I want to get it back there tonight.
I did not sneak in! Luckily, the man was in extreme pain and heavily sedated.
Yes, well as soon as we're done with this, why don't we invite all the commoners over to drive me down to the town square and give me a good stoning! That must be Niles. He's going to take me down to the hospital.
Hello Niles.
And?
Niles! What has happened to your child?
He caught on fire?
So Niles, any closer to making a decision about fatherhood?
Oh, dear.
Eddie.
Well, Niles, I'm finished with this now, if you're ready to take me to the hospital.
What do you mean?
Why do you say that?
Niles, it's only selfish when people have babies for the wrong reasons. I think more people should do what you did and find out if they're really ready. Look, just because you feel this way now doesn't mean things can't change a few years down the line.
Ooh, I suspect they're only a few degrees away from that now.
Beats me. Some guy down at the station.
You see, the others at the station, they just don't know you the way I do. Yes, well you get yourself well and get right back there. I miss seeing you every time I walk by the.... place you tend to be. Niles.
Niles. Niles, what are you doing?
Niles...
Flammable!
How funny running into you, and this must be...
Oh, I think so. Ready to go?
Thank you for your call, Lorraine. And now, before we break for a commercial, Roz has an important message. Roz?
What's that, Roz? Can't come to the mike right now? Well, what she wanted to say was...
Tomorrow, on Amber Edwards's "Book Chat," sociologist Lamont Myman discusses his book, "Violence in the Workplace: Why Co-Workers Kill." Something which becomes more relevant With each passing moment. We'll be right back after these messages.
Roz!
One might ask the same question of you. Isn't it customary to wait until the show comes to a complete stop before exiting?
What is the matter with you?
Now, Roz. Come on, come on, Roz, come on. Look, I'm doing this for your own good.
Be sure to save what's left, maybe you can make some wine.
Hmm?
I'm not giving you anything. I told you I'm not interested.
Niles, why is it so important to you? You and Maris are already wallowing in money like a couple of yuppie hogs.
And mine!
Twelve percent?
Okay, okay. I'm in.
My, I can taste that scampi now.
Well, Daphne, very nice.
No, thank YOU.
Well, Daphne, sexual mores being what they are in America, the third date is usually the place where two healthy adults decide whether or not to... take it to the next level.
In every sense of the word!
Good one, Dad!
This is fantastic! What say we go celebrate with a nice dinner at an exclusive boite?
Charise?
Alsace?
Papillion?
We've run out of boites.
How do we live?
Well, we're trying to find some place to eat.
At Duke's?
With you?
No. No one in the family's ever been invited to Duke's.
I wonder why now, after thirty years, he's suddenly inviting us down there.
Daphne, Daphne. Has Dad said anything to you about us and Duke's? Has he been planning this?
In other words, us.
You know, for a lay person, she has a way of cuttin' right through the crap, doesn't she?
Oh, look, there he is, there he is! Oh, look at him, holding court. No wonder he likes it down here so much, they're all hanging on his every word.
It's like hearing a recording of myself.
Aw, Dad.
Two more!
Yes, he's examined the contract. Our checks have cleared. I even talked to the general partner, he says there's no way they're willing to even consider moving the site. The deal's going through.
I doubt that, Niles. They already tore down Seattle's first Pony Express office to build this place.
Oh!
Well, Niles, there's nothing we can do about it, really. You know, look at it this way: we're actually doing Dad a service, stopping him from going out and drinking. And the other policemen as well. Maybe we're even performing a community service. Men with guns will have one less place to go and liquor up.
Thank you, Roz, for that purely theoretical example. Fact is, I happen to agree with you. Niles, if we tell him now, it will only hurt him. We've got to keep this quiet.
Of course it can be done!
Niles, you're forgetting: I married Lilith, I can live with anything.
You buy into an investment GROUP, Eddie, you don't know!
Oh, hi, Dad. What are you doing up?
You need a woman, Dad.
Dad, Niles and I are investors in the company that's tearing down Duke's.
We didn't know! When we found out, we tried to get out of it, but we couldn't.
Oh, geez, yell at me Dad, will you please? Just hit me or something, hit me with your cane. Just don't stand there.
I have an alibi for that one.
Dad, it's not like I did this on purpose, I'm part of a huge investment group.
Well, what did you want us to say? "Say fellas, here's something ironic..."
I don't know. I guess... I guess maybe it was because when you invited me down to Duke's, it felt like we were finally getting closer. It was a momentous step.
Not to me! It was validation. Finally I was one of the guys you wanted to hang out with. I, I didn't want to spoil that.
Well, you're probably right. Anyway, I'm sorry.
What do you mean?
You know, I was actually having a pretty good time down there at Duke's. Until I found out I was the one responsible for obliterating it from the face of the planet.
Thanks, Dad.
Do you mind, Dad? It's driving me crazy, it looks like hell.
To Duke's?
Now?
You and me? Us, together?
Yeah, yeah, all right, great!
I'll meet you right back here in a minute.
Oh, good evening, Daphne. Or should I say, good morning?
How was your... date with Derek?
Apparently, in England, it's the fourth date.
Yeah.
You want another beer, Dad?
Yeah, I know what it is to have a neighborhood bar. I remember the last time I walked out of my old watering hole back in Boston. A strangely emotional day.
You know, Dad, just because you're saying goodbye to this place, doesn't mean you can't see your buddies just as much as you always did.
Yeah, you're right.
Niles, you don't have to do that. I've had a discussion with Dad, he forgives us.
Look at this! My so called "wind proof" umbrella.
I might as well use one of those little paper ones they put in Polynesian drinks!
Fine, just tell me the date.
Pass.
Yes.
Don't look at me that way.
Roz, I have as much sympathy for sick people as you do, which is why I said yes when they asked me to appear last year. I bought an Armani tuxedo, spent a week working on my speech, postponed a trip to go see Frederick; then on the morning the dinner they called me, told me they didn't need me because their first choice had become available: the irrepressible Kathie Lee Gifford!
This is not about spite. This is about dignity. Dignity is a rare and fragile thing. Any other requests?
Oh, I'll do that.
A scholarship is involved!
Good Afternoon, Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL 780. Well, it's another gray, depressing day here in the Emerald City. Here's hoping we can brighten up your afternoon. We hold it our personal duty to banish your rainy day blues. But first a message from our sponsors. "Death is inevitable.”
"But it's especially painful when it claims a beloved family pet. If you've lost, or are planning to lose, a cherished dog, cat or bird, let Pet Paradise console you with a tasteful Plexiglas memorial bearing the likeness of your departed friend. Pet Paradise - ‘though your pet may be small, your loss is great.’” Who's our first caller, Roz?
Hello, Edna, I'm listening.
Edna, I'm a psychiatrist, I can sense where this is going. Now, even the most interesting of lives can become routine. What you need to do is shake up your world, find a new boyfriend, a new job, a new city even.
Certainly there are far easier places to cheer up than this dreary, soggy old city of ours.
Very eloquently put, Edna. Thank you for your call.
Speaking of vermin... "When that special rat of yours turns his little toes up for the last time, don't forget your friends at Pet Paradise. Pet Paradise – ‘when a shoe box isn't enough.’”
Another radiant morning! Morning, dad. Do I drive to work today or just hail a passing gondola?!
There, that ought to do it!
How witty!
Give me that! "Yesterday, I heard him advise an unhappy young woman that she could magically cure her depression simply by leaving Seattle. I know it would cure my depression if the Seattle-hating Dr. Crane would take his own advice and leave town as soon as possible!" It's just ludicrous, I never said any such thing!
Well, that was just one of several suggestions I made. He took that completely out of context.
What for?
In case you haven't noticed, Dad, it does get a little damp around here! For God's sake, the state flower is Mildew!
You know, Dad, to you, everything is like a woman. A fast car is like a woman, a romantic song is like a woman, good meatloaf is like a woman. Well, a city is not like a woman, it's like a city and I am not apologizing to this one. Even if you won't understand that, Seattle does! And Seattle loves Frasier Crane!
Hello, Father Mike.
Don't tell me, was that a complaint about this rain business?
Oh, well, forgive me. From now on I'll stick to subjects like suicide and birth control, stay away from the controversial stuff like weather!
You know, I'd be the first to apologize if I said anything wrong but I didn't.
Yes, well, just take messages from all those people – I don't want to talk to them.
You're certainly the most cheerful I've met today! Alas, we're out of time. I'd like to just say, as I've been saying for the last three hours, it was not my intent to cause anyone offense but since it seems obvious that I have, I would like to say this: I apologize. I do not find Seattle a depressing place to live. It would take more than clouds to obscure the beauty of her landscape and more than drizzle to dampen the warmth and good fellowship that makes Seattle the only place in this bad old world that I care to call home. Till Monday then, this is Dr. Frasier Crane, signing off.
Good grief! Never in my life have I heard from such a bunch of whiny, provincial crybabies. I swear to God, this entire city has lost it's tiny, rain-addled mind!
Thank you, Roz.
They have.
One of my listeners recognized me on the street, he pulled it backwards through a chain link fence! You would not believe the hostility I've encountered. Even at the Café Nervosa, my sanctuary, I thought they were trying out the new cappuccino maker - I turned and saw three tables hissing at me!
Oh, no, they've got my home number now?!
Just answer it, for God's sake!
Is anyone expecting visitors? Well, I suggest we all remain very, very quiet.
Roz, what are you doing out on this ungodly night?
Suspend me? Well, what's he going to put in my timeslot?
I don't know how I'm ever going to smooth this over. The entire city is out to lynch me.
Oh, well, we can't afford to lose a demographic as large as that!
After the way they treated me last year?
Oh, Dad, just stay out of this!
I did take your advice, I apologized.
You really think it's a good idea, Niles?
Oh, what the hell. Tell them I'll emcee. You know, better yet, tell them I'll take a whole table at the banquet.
Eight hundred...?
I've put myself in such a precarious position, I've got to choose my material very carefully.
No, Niles, you don't!
I'm sure the nuns would just love that. Why don't I call Bulldog and ask him for a couple of limericks from his Nantucket series?! I'll just call Father Mike, I'm sure he knows a couple of inoffensive jokes.
Hello? Yes, well, you know, I don't care how you feel! I want to use the phone right now! Daphne, your grandmother's hip was out again.
Oh, no, no, of course not, I wouldn't dream of it.
Really?
Yes, yes, they're the reason I look so handsome and confident.
Oh, well, we're waiting for Bishop Cologie, he's supposed to be introducing me.
Right.
Yes, well, I'll do that just as soon as I find a men's room.
Not for long, I won't. I'll be right back.
Thank you, Father Mike. Thank you very much. I can't tell you what a honor it is to be here this evening. I expected the Bishop to introduce me but I'm sure he'll drift in eventually.
You know, it's a real comfort to see so many priests out there in the audience. These days I don't dare speak in public without someone standing by who can perform the last rites. Whoa! Very religious crowd, I see. I can tell because of the vow of silence! I hope you've got some holy water standing by there, father, I'm dying here. And speaking of water! That reminds me of a little story. A Rabbi, a Minister and a Priest, are all sitting at the bar on the Titanic...
Oh, well, I heard the story with a priest, but what the heck, a bishop's even funnier. Thank you, Sister. Okay, then, a Rabbi, a Minister and a Bishop are all sitting at the bar when the Purser rushes in to give them the horrible news.
Hey, look, are you telling this story or am I?!
Come on, lady, I work alone! All right, hey, thank you.
All right, anyway, so the Purser rushes in to give them the horrible news about the boat. So, the Rabbi gets up and says, "My God, my people will need me." The Minister's about to leave when the Priest said - oops, oh, sorry - the Bishop says, "Sit down, relax, have another drink. I'm sure that the Rabbi can handle it.” And the Minister says, "My God, man! How can you abandon your flock when we've just hit an iceberg?!" And the Bishop says, "An iceberg?! I thought he said we had no ice aboard!"
Hello? Is this thing on? Whoa! Bomb-o!
Dad... how did this happen?
This is appalling. Those people are exploiting you.
You don't need guns, you've got kidney pie. Hello? It's Duke.
I couldn't possibly, Niles. I'm too upset.
Niles.
I saw it. I don't know which is worse - seeing his butt, or what it stands for. I just can't believe that our father is actually endorsing that self-serving fearmonger.
Us? We haven't done anything.
Edmund Burke.
What are you suggesting?
Well, of course I intend to vote for Patterson.
Niles, listen. I'd really love to help, but surely you must realize that as a radio psychiatrist, I can't take a chance of alienating my listeners. The people that need my help might be reluctant to call in if they knew my political views.
Thank you for your call, Susan. We'll be right back after this message.
It's better than having you here!
Oh, I wouldn't be concerned if I were you, Roz. What are the chances of finding you there alone?
Okay, Bulldog.
That's good. Because with your tax program, that's where they'll be sleeping! Welcome back, Seattle. We'll be back for just one more phone call after this news break. And then next up, Bob "Bulldog" Briscoe- and the Gonzo Sports Show. I've asked you not to do that!
Forget it, Roz. He's happily married.
There's a bumper sticker.
Oh, really? Well, put him on. I welcome contrasting viewpoints. Hello, Seattle, we're back. Roz, who do we have on the line?
Divorced.
Well, actually, I have congenitally weak ankles, it's a family problem.
On a surfboard, I suppose?
All right, you've said your piece, now you're gonna listen to mine! Hang up on me, will you?! Well, all right, even though you may not be listening, the people of Seattle are gonna hear what I have to say!
Oh, hello there. I'm Dr. Frasier Crane. Many of you know me from my radio show, but today I'm speaking to you as a concerned citizen. As a mental health expert, I've been listening to what my good friend Phil Patterson has to say. I like the way his mind works. He's a visionary, and he cares about the little people. That's why I'm proud to say that I'm behind Phil Patterson for Congress.
Phil Patterson: the sane choice.
Oh, Daphne... I thought we agreed you'd keep him out of here for two hours.
Dad!
My father did a commercial for your opponent.
Say, Phil, it's getting a little hot in here. You want to step out on to the balcony with me, get a little fresh air?
Thank you. Yes, you know, I feel very lucky living here. I'd like to say I feel lucky to be a part of your campaign as well.
Oh, I don't know if my name carries that much weight.
Really? What for?
Listen, Phil, as a psychiatrist, anything you tell me will be kept in the strictest confidence.
You know, it's funny how the more you bottle things up inside, the bigger they seem to be.
Aliens?
No...
As a mental health expert, I've been listening to what my good friend Phil Patterson has to say. I like the way his mind works. He's a visionary, and he cares about... ...the little people.
That's why I'm proud to say that I'm behind Phil Patterson for Congress.
Oh God, Niles! I've got something I'd really like to get off my chest. But if I told you I'd be violating a doctor-patient confidence.
Well, it's borderline, but I'm desperate!
Just now, on the balcony, Phil Patterson told me that he had been... abducted by aliens. Apparently, he was beamed up to the mother ship, for a little interplanetary chitchat!
Niles, this is incredible. It's just awful. We're gonna look like such idiots!
My idea?!
Oh my God, Niles, stop it! This isn't getting us anywhere!
Well, I think we have to convince Phil to drop out of the race and seek professional help.
Forget it, Niles!
Are you saying I should still back Phil?
At the moment, I'm not sure there's intelligent life in this kitchen!
Well, it's only happened the one time.
Which might suggest that it was an isolated incident brought on by overwork rather than a pattern of paranoid delusion.
Phil has worked hard.
He deserves his chance.
He's still gotta seek professional help.
No, damn it, we are not. So, will you treat him?
Dating a snorer?
Oh, I can see how that would be annoying.
What, one of your overpaid idols passed his urine test?
Oh, my God!
How did they find out?
Isn't that just like the media? The day before the election they find one tiny flaw in a man and they try to ruin his career! Well, you know what? I have my own conduit to the public's ear. I'm not letting Phil go down without a fight!
Hello, Seattle. I'm back. This is Dr. Frasier Crane and I have just learned during the commercial break that it has become public knowledge that Phil Patterson, candidate for Congress, believes in aliens from outer space.
Not only does he believe in them, he believes he has met with them. That he was beamed aboard their spaceship for a little interplanetary tête-à-tête. Shocked? Well, all right. But I say, let's ask ourselves these questions. Has this...
...harmless delusion, most likely brought on by overwork and sleep deprivation, adversely affected his voting record in any way? I ask you, and I say no. What great leader doesn't have his quirks? Ronald Reagan saw an astrologist. General Patton believed in reincarnation. Even J. Edgar Hoover let his slip show once in a while!
People, we're talking about a great leader here! We shouldn't concern ourselves with these minor eccentricities. What's important - what really counts - is what's in here... I'm pointing at my chest now.
Those Guatemalans were exchange students! Phil was giving them free room and board as a goodwill gesture between countries.
No, thank you. Stupid, stupid, stupid! When will I learn it hurts when I do that?
Oh, Phil. Come on in.
Yes, well, I saw you wearing it on television when you made your concession speech.
Phil, I am so sorry about the misunderstanding...
The people of Seattle deserve something better than Holden Thorpe.
You really think you can?
Phil? I've gotta ask you... do you really believe it happened?
So, what's next for you?
Anything's possible...
Oh, very funny, Chopper Dave!
Hi, we're back. Roz tells me we have Chester on the line. Hello, Chester. How can I help you?
Spinning your wheels?
Chester, I'm afraid this problem might be just a little too complex for the few seconds we have remaining. Uh, why don't you try to call us back tomorrow, I'll make sure that you get on first thing.
Well, I'll tell you what, hang tight and when I get off the air I'll pick up and try to help you then.
O.K., everybody, I've got to scoot. Bulldog's up next after the news with the Gonzo Sports Show. Today's topic: What's wrong with our Seattle Mariners? If you haven't had a chance to voice your opinion on that in the last eighteen years, you'll want to today! So long, all.
Well, Roz, that was a pretty good show!
Well, what are you reading so intently?
Oh, let me see.
Oh, you heard him, he can wait.
Oh.
Cool! Oh, my. Who is this fresh angel? Madeline Marshall, #47.
God, she's a stunning woman. "Single, patron of the arts, MBA at Stanford" - well, if you have to go to school on the West Coast. Oh, oh, oh, and what she looks for most in a man: "someone who knows how to... listen." Roz, I'm in love!
Oh yeah, right.
I couldn't just call her out of the blue! She doesn't even know who I am!
Yes, well then why am I not in this magazine?
Oh, no, no!
Bulldog.
Thank you, Bulldog, you've just put me off salads for a month.
Well, no, no, I found her attractive, and Roz insisted on calling her.
She's wearing a business suit.
Oh, all right. "Once more unto the breach." Hello, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. I know we've never met, but you know, from everything I know about you, you just seem like the most fascinating person. I was just wondering if — well, why don't I just come out and say it? Would you be so good as to have dinner with me tonight? Oh well, well, that's very gracious of you to accept, Chester, but I didn't mean you. Roz, you could have told me Madeline was on line two!
Damn it! Eddie, I know you took the socks that go with this suit. Now where are they?
Brown socks with a blue suit? I think not, try again. Thank you.
Madeline Marshall. She has her own sportswear concern, and according to "Seattle" magazine, she is the forty-seventh hottest person in Seattle.
Yes, well, I'm off! You know, I have a good feeling about tonight. I have a song in my heart, a little dance in my step, and dog saliva around my ankles!
All right, silence! Silence! Both of you just try to calm down. I'll see what I can do. Monsieur Degas, you are angry now. That is a temporary emotion. You are devastated because you think the bond between a father and a daughter has been broken. She is no longer your little girl. But that's not possible. That bond cannot be broken — not even by that young man cowering there in the corner who is so obviously the father.
Niles, what are you doing?
Where? Dad, I thought I asked you to smoke those things out on the balcony.
Fine, all right. Maybe an errant ash will flick off and ignite your easy chair.
Madeline and I are going to Bora Bora tomorrow.
Just about an hour ago, when Madeline came down to the station. We got caught up in a moment of passion, before I know it I'm going halfway around the world with a woman I hardly even know! It just isn't like me, I guess I'm getting caught up in the romance.
Yes, well, to the untrained eye, yes, but what if we hate each other? End up being stuck together for a week!
Even worse! If it goes perfectly, then it means we'll start talking about a serious commitment, then living together and then marriage, and...
Like fireworks.
Dad, you're a ghoul.
Yes, well, your corpse-strewn romance notwithstanding, I still feel just a little bit skittish about this whole thing.
Well, that is true.
Oh, all right, I'll do it!
O.K., but don't think I don't know that you're mostly excited just to get me out of the house for a week!
I just opened up the pages of "Seattle" magazine, and there she was...
So off I flew to Bora Bora, and did I receive the shock of my life...
Oh yeah, oh yeah. Oh yeah... oh, it's never been like this before, never! Nothing — damn her, she can give as good as she gets! Oh yeah, oh yeah! Oh, oh, mama! Oh God, you are so hot! I am burning up! Oh, that's it, that's it! Yes! Yes!
Oh my God, yes! Keep it up, baby! You're killing me! Oh God, you're an animal! YES, YES!
Well, before we go to our "Eye in the Sky" Chopper Dave for the traffic report, I would like to send this confidential message to Madeline M. Madeline, I'm sure your gentleman would love an opportunity to explain his behavior, but you left the island before he had a chance, and, um, you won't return his calls or answer the notes he's sent. We all know how hard it is to find love in this world, what a tragedy it is to let it slip through our fingers. I think he really cares about you. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, we'll be back in a moment.
You really think she'll call?
Thank you, Roz.
Well, it's not too bad. I guess they had to charge me for the whole week.
Twenty-five hundred dollars for bamboo?!
Hello, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. Roz, whom do we have next?
Hello, Vic. I'm listening.
Oh, just relax, Vic — "I'm listening."
Oh, uh-uh, Vic, uh, something's come up in the booth, just- you know, I'll have to turn you over to my very capable producer.
Madeline, Madeline, hi! Oh, thanks for calling. Oh, no, no, it's OK, it's OK, I'm off the air right now.
Morning, all. What's all this?
Oh. Is that coffee cake I smell?
Oh, the new station manager's taking over today. She wanted to meet with all of us.
Yes, why?
That's absurd. If I had trouble taking orders from a woman, Frederick would never have been conceived!
Morning, Niles.
Oh, for heaven's sake, Niles, you don't even know how to pack a lunch.
Now, look, there's no reason for us to give in to our insecurities. We all do good, solid shows. We hardly even know this woman, and already we're painting her as a heartless Medusa!
Father Mike, are you all right?
I'm so sorry.
Kate, what a pleasure.
Really? Well, thank you very much! I like to think of my show as a haven for the tempest-tossed in the maelstrom everyday life.
How to improve my show? That is a tall order. Uh... oh, wait, you know, I was thinking of playing classical music before my intros. Let's say, perhaps, uh, Bartok's Concerto for Orchestra in D Minor.
Are you sure?
Wonderful. You know, I hate to nitpick, but I was certain that concerto's in D. I was a music minor at Harvard.
Of course. Uh, Kate, you know, that advertising thing. It's a very good idea. But that-these theme shows, uh, it's a less good idea. You might even say a worse idea.
Well, uh, I am a doctor, and I'd hate to have the serious work I do be tainted by commercialism.
Well, I don't want to be entirely uncooperative. It's just that, well, you know, I've been in the radio game for some time now, and I think I've learned enough about broadcasting, as they say, to know what it is that makes my show a good show. My God, you've won six Golden Mike awards?
That's called pandering!
Well, what exactly do you expect me to do? Say to a caller, "Listen, Bob, I'm sorry you lost your job, but unemployment's a snore! Why don't you go sleep with your best friend's wife and call in on Monday when it'll be Infidelity Day on the Frasier Crane Show!"
Well, you know, I'd rather stay local if going national means sucking at the sump-pump of sensationalism!
Listen, lady, I'm not changing my show. Unless you're willing to explain to the owners why you fired one of your highest- rated hosts, well then there's nothing you can do about it, is there?
Well, we're coming up on 3 A.M.
Well, I hate to cut short this enthralling symposium, but perhaps we could hear from some non-bakers for a change?
Oh, thank God. Stay tuned for the news, weather, and sports. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, yadda-yadda-yadda, bye.
Really stunk up the airwaves with that one, didn't we?
Well, for starters, you at Le Ralee. It's a two-week wait.
Don't worry, Roz, we will she just moved us to break our spirit.
Oh, hello.
As a matter of fact, I found it invigorating! Didn't you, Roz? Remember that woman who called in, uh, you know, with the delusions of grandeur? Couldn't understand why nobody liked her.
Oh yes, respect is important. So is self-respect.
Yes, but those people are usually rigid little demagogues who don't know the difference between the kind of respect that is earned and the kind of respect that is irrespective ...of what others expect.
I think I made myself clear.
Good luck!
Steady, Roz. She may have been able to intimidate people in other situations, but here at KACL she'll find that we are not a bunch of spineless twits!
Oh, for God's sake, I am trying to get some sleep! I asked you to keep that dog quiet, and instead you outfit him with a megaphone! In the last thirty-six hours I haven't had so much as a nap, and I've got to be back at the station by 2 A.M. Eddie, listen carefully. By the time this day is up, one of us is going to sleep.
DON'T! I've had my share of women's opinions for the week, between the station's new Reichschancellor and Roz's incessant whining! As far as I'm concerned, your entire sex can put a sock in it!
Damn it!
What the hell was that?! Was that a gunshot?!
"Just getting up?!" Are you out of your mind?! A gun just went off in here!
Oh, I'm sorry, was I snippy? I didn't realize it was too much to ask that there not be GUNPLAY IN MY LIVING ROOM!
Just relax. It won't be long before my loyal fans protest, and the afternoon slot is once again home to the compassionate and lovable Dr. Frasier Crane. Now get the hell out, both of you!
Hello, Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. I'll be taking your calls for the next four hours. Roz, who's on the line?
Hello, Line Two, you're on with Dr. Frasier Crane.
Hello, Mark. I'm listening.
What?! I'm listening.
Well, you know, sometimes these things seem clearer in the light of day. My advice is to sleep on it.
Oh, no—
Oh, oh, and now for a word from, um, uh, ah, I forget, I think they sell paint.
Oh God, Roz, I don't think I've helped a single person tonight.
Well, you're the one who's supposed to keep track of who's on what line!
Roz, Roz, Roz! We shouldn't get mad at each other. Oh God, this is all Kate's fault.
Yes, there is! If we're gonna go down, we're gonna take her down with us! We've got one hour left. If she wants raunch, we're gonna give her more raunch than she ever dreamed of! Are you with me, Roz?
OK!
We're back, Seattle. And in accordance with new station policy, we are going to be pandering to the lowest human instinct. In other words, who wants to talk about SEX?! Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex!
YEAH! I want to know who's having sex! How you're having it! I want to know if you're having it right now!
Thank you, Kitty. Hello, Caller. What are you wearing?
Hey, that's a great idea! Let's all get naked! Hey, I'm getting naked right now!
Well then, hop in a cab! I'm not wearing any pants!
While Roz laces up her leather bustier, this is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL - all talk, all night, all naked!
As George Bernard Shaw once said, "there are two tragedies in life. One is not getting what we want, and the other is getting it."
You know, one of these days, you're going to misquote someone, and I'm going to land on you like a sumo wrestler!
Oh, yeah! "Frasier Crane takes a leering look at infidelity!"
And you are such a smug egomaniac that your entire self-image would shatter like a cheap mirror if you ever had to admit that you had made a mistake!
You are a classic case of neurotic narcissism, and a first- class SMARTY-PANTS! You can go ahead and fire me now.
Did you listen to the whole tape?
Well, that's-that's awfully big of you. Guess that means I'll be moving back to my old time slot.
Grasp this: if I don't get my old time slot, I quit!
OK, then it's a stalemate! If we don't want to remain entrenched in these positions forever, one of us had better think of something!
I've got it!
I don't care what you say, I like theme shows! And I'm going to do them, starting this Friday with "Frasier Crane takes a look at the consequences of infidelity!"
Damn you!
You win. Bartok it is.
This is Dr. Frasier Crane. We'll be right back after this.
That won't be necessary. I have a built in mental stopwatch. As a child playing "Hide and Go Seek" I was the only one who didn't need to say, "One Hippopotamus Two Hippopotamus."
I am not!
All right, you're on.
Hello, we're back. This is Dr. Frasier Crane tuning in for our second hour on the "Dr. Frasier Crane Show." In our first hour we covered everything from anorexia to xenophobia. What will be next? As always of course that's entirely up to you. So stick around – the Doctor is in and he's listening. Ooh, this is KACL 780 AM...
Thank you.
I see.
Of course, very much so, yes!
What was what?
For Kate?
I had Mexican for lunch. It's not lust – it's a Chimichanga.
Have you lost your mind?
Roz, you're wrong.
Stop it. Everybody knows you are the biggest gossip in the entire station. You'll be sworn to secrecy.
No, it doesn't count until you shake my hand.
Roz, Kate and I...
Alright. Of course it happened months ago. Only a couple times.
Our relationship started out so antagonistic. Then suddenly it just spilled over into passion. Intense, romantic, exciting...
...the whole thing's over now, but Roz, you will say nothing, absolutely nothing... Roz? Roz?
Evening all.
Well, actually no. I have a date.
Some woman I met at my accountant's.
I must admit I'm having a little trouble working up my enthusiasm about it. It's not the woman's fault. It's just that I find myself preoccupied with somebody else right now. Well, frankly, it's gone a bit beyond preoccupation. I'm having fantasies about her all the time.
You know, I'm beginning to wonder if I have real feelings for this woman? I mean I think about her all the time.
Kate from the office.
She is nice. Intelligent, accomplished.
Well, we agreed we wouldn't pursue things. Frankly, she hasn't given me any indication since that she's even had a second thought about me.
Thank you, Niles!
Well, you know Daphne, it's just not that easy really. Maybe I'm letting this romantic fantasy run away with me. Truth is we don't really know each other very well and, if she did reject me, I'd end up going to work every day feeling like a fool.
Oh fine Dad! Frankly I've had enough of you and your adolescent wisecracks. I am not "chicken." I am just merely hesitant. I will ask her out tomorrow. Fine. I hope that makes you happy!
Oh Kate. Hi. There you are. I wanted to talk with you.
I'll ride along with you. You know, it seems every time we speak lately the conversation always leads to ratings, commercials, demographics...
...hirings and firings, promotions, demotions, the odd skirmish over the expense account. It just seems all so dry and impersonal. Did I hit the right button?
Yeah, so do I. Kate I wanted to ask you…
What?
Well, I'm at a loss for words.
Well congratulations. This is a big step for you.
All I know is that for the time you've been here I've certainly enjoyed having you. Having you...
I suppose so. Goodbye, Kate.
Thank you.
Well, her name's Donna. She's an art director. Or a park director – I forget.
"Cheque please" comes to mind!
Hey Niles.
He cares deeply for her and yet he lets her go. Wonder why Bogey did that?
No, she's not. She's going to Chicago to turn a Country & Western station into an all-talk format.
To stop Kate from getting on that plane!
Oh, I don't know. Tell her I'm visiting a sick friend or something. Better yet – just tell her the truth. Sometimes two people just aren't meant to be together.
Don't say anything. Just listen. Kate, this afternoon I wanted to say something to you but when I found out you were leaving I held back. Well, I'm not holding back any more. I can't stop thinking about you. Not just about the times we made love but about the possibility that we might have a future together. Now if there's any part of you that wonders the same thing about me, we owe it to ourselves to see it through. You see, if you get on that plane tonight you'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of our lives. Anyway I think I made my point. What do you think?
More importantly, what do you think?
Well, it turns out Bogey was right to let her go.
Donna, hi.
Oh, he's doing much better actually. They're thinking sending him home tomorrow.
Well, he's with an HMO! So... er... what do you say we have that dinner?
Kate!
Kate! I was, Kate! This woman means nothing to me.
Oh, I'm sorry, Donna. I'm truly sorry. It was very inconsiderate, but that woman means a great deal to me. I'm sure you'll hate me, but I just gotta do what I gotta do.
Well... this is lucky. We can ride down together.
Kate!
Oh my God. I know you're upset. I don't even care about that woman. She's just a blind date I didn't even want to go on. I wanted to be with you tonight.
I can't believe I waited so long when all I had to do was say something.
Well it doesn't matter. We're together now.
Go ahead. Go ahead. Couldn't you just stay one more night? Just call them. Tell them you'll come in tomorrow.
Oh damn. All right I'll call you. Where are you staying?
Goodbye. I'll miss you.
I missed you too! The minute that door closed I started praying for something bad to happen to your plane.
I felt that way since the moment I met you.
I gotta work. I could come out next weekend.
You've got a twin?
Wow. You know there's so much we don't know about each other.
Er... oh, I know. What's your favourite colour?
Arctic silver. It's available on all the big BMW's.
Paris! Museum?
Candide! Yours?
Really?
No, no. Allergies. Allergies. Cats. Not really much of a pet person.
Once. In a dark parking lot. When a truck backfired.
Well, we could go antiquing.
Ah! Well, this is all good. The contrasts between us will make our relationship more vibrant.
No, no. It's all right.
Yes – and I understand they're completely humane! Oh, you meant an allergy shot, didn't you?
It's all right. It's all right. So... er... you were saying that you love animals?
Wow, life on a ranch raising horses. I always pictured myself in a penthouse raising children.
Yes. You like kids?
Yeah, it couldn't hurt.
How about on another airline?
Look Kate – fate to the rescue once again. Sir – this woman has to get across the terminal post-haste.
Good point. Bye. Pity, though!
Well, Louie. This looks like the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
Oh really, must you two play this ridiculous game? She makes some feeble stab and you say "No. Guess again." Then she starts flailing away with even more ludicrous answers, all the while you chanting "Guess again", until she's gibbering like some auctioneer with a bad bladder. Then you finally reveal the answer at which point nobody even cares.
Niles.
Oh I would love to Niles. Why don't you want to use them?
What?
Dad, what about you? I've never known you to turn down the horses.
Oh well then. I'll just call one of my friends. Jeez. This is sort of embarrassing. The first three names on my list are all back in Boston.
Oh well truth be told Daphne, those people are insufferable bores unless they have a glass in their hands. Sherry, Niles?
Oh I know. How about Ed O'Hanlon?
Ooh, how about Edmund Kelly? If I know old Ed he'd never leave Seattle.
Dear me. Really? I'll miss him.
My God how did this happen? I've been back here for two years and I've yet to forge any new friendships.
What exactly is your point Dad? That I've lost my knack for making friends?
Still, you know Dad, I did have friends in college and back in Boston. It's only since I moved to Seattle that I've started falling back on Niles.
Niles, you know what I mean. Settling for what's comfortable and familiar. My God, you and I can go out together and I know what you're thinking before you even say it.
You know what? This would make a wonderful topic for my show. "Making New Friends" What are we so afraid of?
Thank you Dad. I can always count on you not to overthink something.
So why is it we have so much trouble making friends? Is it because we've become closed off? No longer want to reach out to our fellow man? Well I'd like to think that if one of you listeners out there happened to see me on the street you'd feel free to walk right on up to me and…
Oh Roz that's exactly the kind of cynicism I'm talking about. I, for one, happen to believe in the kindness strangers.
Hi, we're back with the topic of friendship. Now let's go to the switchboard. Roz, who's on line one?
Hello Gerard. I'm listening.
Well thank you Gerard. I sense a kindred spirit.
Well thank you so much for your offer of friendship George but I really don't have five thousand dollars to invest in your French fries vending machine. And for the sake of those who do invest I suggest, Sir, that you find a better name than "The Spuddy Buddy". This is Dr. Frasier Crane wishing you all good mental health. I mean that today more than ever!
You stacked the deck didn't you?
Oh Roz my listeners are not sick……although this one does bear watching! Here's one that has promise. "Dear Dr. Crane. I never thought I'd write a letter like this but I was moved by today's show. As a photographer I come into contact with new people on a daily basis yet I often find it difficult to make that one on one connection. However your words offered hope and I just wanted to say thank you. Sincerely. Bob Reynolds."
You know what? I think I'm going to give Mr. Bob Reynolds a call.
Oh rubbish Roz. I'm going to call him. Where did you come up with such a disgusting image?
Frankly Niles I'm not here to see you. I'm meeting a new friend.
Yes, you remember I was talking about widening my circle friends.
It's not that I'm trying to replace you Niles. It's just that Bob and I…
Niles I am not dumping you. I'm just worried that Bob might feel awkward meeting the two of us.
Niles.
Bob?
Call me Frasier.
Coffee please. Well uh…so.
So. Listen, thank you for your fax.
One would think but it's my cross.
Well, I believe humour can be a therapeutic tool.
Mark Twain. "The Mysterious Stranger". I have a first edition.
You know I was a bit trepidatious about this experiment Bob, but I'm feeling a real simpatico here.
I'm going to go out on a limb. What do you say once we finish these coffees we treat ourselves to a proper dinner?
OK. Say, what are you reading?
Well…um…national holiday…4th July.
Well Bob. Do you have any charcoal free interests?
I'm a bit of a camera buff myself. What's your trade? Photo journalist?
You know, Bob, about that dinner? How about Tex-Mex?
Morning.
I had dinner with a new friend. Bob.
Hardly. The man talks endlessly on subjects that are of no interest to anyone but him.
Oh Dad. He took me to this God-awful barbecue place. All they serve is huge platters of charred greasy beef. The only sound you can hear is the gnawing of meat, the smacking lips and the clatter of bones hitting the floor.
Well I was going to tell him that I didn't want to see him anymore but you see it's a bit more delicate than just that. The problem is he's in a wheel chair.
Well I know that. It's just that I'd hate to have him think it was just because of the chair.
I'll get it. You know, Daphne, you're right? I was kind of a coward wasn't I? Well, at least I got through the evening.
Bob you're here. Did we have plans?
Did I mention where I lived? I'm astonishingly sure I didn't.
2 weeks and 45 phone calls. Can't we just get an unlisted number?
I know Roz. I'm working up to it.
Yes I know that. I'm a psychiatrist. I'm quite capable dealing with difficult problems in a sensitive mature fashion……Wait! Did you hear that? That squeak!
He's here. It's Bob!
Oh that's right. Only dogs and I can hear it.
It's the sound of his chair. I'd know it anywhere.
No he's not. He's never really gone!
NO! NO! He's not going to move into my building. I won't allow it. I'm going to talk to him Roz. Listen, I could use your advice. You've broken up with a lot of people. What do you find to be the most effective thing to say?
Good, I've got my fallback.
Ooh Niles, Niles. I need to talk. Bob's meeting me here……this isn't my usual.
That man is your friend?
Bob. You really shouldn't have.
About that Bob. Have you actually signed a lease yet?
Well, we need to talk.
You see I just don't think there's a basis between us for a sound friendship. Neither of us should feel bad about it.
No, no. I'm not rejecting you. Truth is you're pleasant. You're charming.
Well all right, all right. We have absolutely nothing in common. You talk on endlessly about subjects that I have no interest in. You call me all the time. Frankly you're suffocating me!
I wanted to. Frankly I was afraid you'd think it was because of the…you know…
The wheelchair.
I don't know. I just wanted you to know that.
I beg your pardon.
Well, I wouldn't say that.
Bob, wait, please. I've got to level with you. Truth is I find nothing wrong with you. I was just ashamed to admit it. It is the chair.
I think frankly that you are wonderful company. Wildly stimulating. Your hobbies are so fascinating. You have a sense of style that really, I mean, doesn't compare to anyone's. It's just me. I feel petty and small about it but I can't get past the chair. I'm sorry Bob. Please. I'm sorry. This is goodbye.
Look. You don't understand.
Well…
People please. Frankly this doesn't concern any of you.
Oh For God's sake Bob – put a sock in it.
Well, yes. They're a bit frenzied. Perhaps a woven lace would tone down the glitz.
No, not at all. You can get them downtown.
Well I do for one…
Good morning.
Dad. Before you blame the dryer, have you ever considered stepping on the old bathroom scales?
Daphne?
Daphne, I wasn't quite finished with that toast either.
Yes – how many championship matches have been marred by the heartbreak of toast cramp?
Well, Dad, when you pay that kind of money what you're really paying for is the designer name!
Oh! Hello Joe.
Well. Can anyone think of anything to make this moment a bit more awkward than it already is?
Thank you, Eddie!
Friends of yours?
Well – I've seen your wife.
Niles, it's one party.
This often happens in these cases when two people separate – their friends choose one spouse over the other. Surely they chose Maris because she's better connected and has more money than you do.
Niles, I just think you're overreacting.
Perhaps we should contact Feronte and Tisha (sp.??) – see if they have your invitation?
Roz, I want to get your take on something.
Well. Daphne and Joe are having sex in my apartment and it leaves me in a rather awkward position.
Well, let's just say that I'm sitting there listening to music, reading a book... and Daphne and Joe are "back there."
Well, it just makes me uncomfortable. I'm going to ask Daphne not to sleep with Joe in the house anymore. Is that too...?
I was going to say selfish!
Well, I just don't think a man should be uncomfortable in his own home. How am I supposed to relax when every giggle, every noise makes me... you know...?
Of course not. Don't be ridiculous. The very idea.
Well, you made me.
Hey, Dad. Is Daphne in?
Ah, yes. Denial. The sort of advice I'd expect from a man whose driver's license still lists his hair colour as brown.
Daphne. I think we need to discuss what happened this morning.
No, no. I share the blame. We never did have a formal discussion about the rules of the house, especially when it comes to... you know...
Well, then our business is concluded. Meeting adjourned.
Daphne. I was just reviewing the minutes of our last meeting. There seems to be some confusion.
You see, my quibble is not with the lack of notification. I am just not comfortable with you and Joe sleeping together under my roof.
Oh yes, yes. And I want you to feel comfortable living here.
Oh. Thank you for understanding.
Guess who? Daphne... em... I don't want you entertaining here but I also don't want you to move out.
Well...
That is not what I meant. This is difficult for both of us, Daphne. I have to express my feelings. I also don't want to lose you. You're very important to me and my father.
Well – I suppose, what other choice do we have?
Well, you made me!
Morning, Dad.
You seen the phone?
I'll passo!
Dad. Whatever happened to the silk pajamas I bought you?
Not that I don't enjoy a "pile" of breakfast as much as the next guy but I still think no. Dad, are you planning on going around like that all weekend?
I see. Look Dad, I just have to do this
What was it like in the old days when you actually had to get up to change the channel?
The contractor. I'm getting an estimate on restoring my study.
I think Joe's done enough work in that room, thank you!
Henry. Thank you for coming on such short notice.
I'll just show you the room. Oh, this is my father. Don't get up! Like a cup coffee?
Fine. Look, the room is right down the hall there to the right. I'll meet you there.
Oh, Dad. This is a small thing but you left the sponge in the sink again.
Well, as I mentioned last evening, if it stays wet, not only does it begin to smell but it becomes a breeding ground for bacteria.
So. If I were to say wipe up that salsa that you spilled on the table just now I would be leaving behind bacteria such as salmonella, lysteria, flagella. Now wouldn't that bother you?
Ah, yes. Our own foul-breathed little handy wet!
Suppose there's a nuclear power plant they had to build to keep that television on day and night?
No!
All right, I moved your damn chair. The way you have it turned ruins the symmetry of the room. The sight line loses all flow.
Would you get Eddie off of the couch, or else it's down through the garbage chute for the thrill ride of his life!
Well, howdy partner.
Fair enough. Say, am I crazy or is there a bright golden haze on the meadow?
Oh Niles, why do you even care about those people? In your hour of need they pretend you don't even exist. They treat you like you're a leper, a non-person.
Well, I hate to break this to you, "Waltzes With Snobs," but they have left you on the mountaintop to die!
Oh, that's ridiculous.
Oh fine, very well. Why don't you just call them? Prove to me I'm wrong.
Where else would it be? And Dad's electric shaver is in the kitchen. You see, all our appliances are on an adventure this weekend.
Ah, yes. The Martin Crane approach. Better living through denial!
Dad, I'm a psychiatrist. I don't pretend. I confront. I resolve.
Oh, that is so untrue.
AND PERHAPS YOU CAN EXPLAIN THIS!!!
For the last two days I've asked you again and again as politely as I can to wring out the sponge. But you don't even have the consideration to respect my feelings.
But they're my feelings! And important to me! And because of that you should have the courtesy to respect them.
Oh, that makes no sense at all.
Oh, that's mature.
Oh, my dreams get me by. Like the one where I strap you in your chair and run around the house turning on all the lights...
...even in the rooms I'm nowhere near. Boy, that electric meter must really be spinning now!
Night, Daphne.
What?
See your point, Dad.
I'll go and talk to her.
I get it!
May I come in?
Thank you, Daphne. Daphne... er... you can't go. You have to stay. I've only just recently realised how important you are to us. You see, if you go, Dad and I will kill each other. I'm not just tossing out hyperbole here. I'm speaking in the most literal sense. Dad and I – both dead! Only he'll be lying there with a bacteria-ridden sponge protruding from his mouth like a bloated tongue. You don't really want that on your conscience, do you?
I'd be willing to try.
Why can't I get past this? Oh, it'd just be easier if I could be like my father pretending you weren't in here making love.
Yes, of course.
Really? Seems rather implausible. I'd like to believe that and believe me I really do want to... er... how can I?
I didn't even know Joe was a soldier. What war would that be?
But that was a British conflict and Joe's not...
Oh, that's very unfortunate. Having a summerhouse in a war zone. But how-?
A sheep?
Oh, I see. So, what you're saying is that Joe...
Ah. Well, I suppose that changes everything.
As long as you don't read too loudly.
She's staying. Turns out they're sleeping together but not having sex. See, they can't have sex because of an injury Joe suffered when kicked by a spooked sheep during an air raid while his family were vacationing in the Falkland Islands during the war.
Really? That means we can eat twice as many.
Well, we've got about thirty seconds. I think we've got time for one quick call. Hello, Marlene, I'm listening.
Yes, your problem, please...
Well, to all you Marlenes out there, may I suggest that sex with a stranger is not the answer. Why don't you just pack the kids off with Nana and Pop Pop, lock Lucky downstairs in the basement, grab your husband, take him to the sturdiest kitchen table you have, and let the postman ring twice! Now, to the rest of my listeners, I'll be off on vacation for the next week, so please tune in to my replacement, the noted podiatrist, Dr Garreth Wooten, who'll be discussing the virtues of his new book, "Bunions and Blisters and Corns," Oh My!
Sorry Roz, the taxi's waiting outside to take me to the airport.
Oh, thanks.
I'll get you a nice T-shirt from Colonial Williamsburg.
No, it's a wonderful vacation spot! We're going to dip candles, tan leather, churn butter...
Dad, please, please! I have just spent the most wonderful six days with Frederick. I am technically still on vacation till ten a.m. tomorrow.
Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup! Dad, I do not care to know how hard Daphne made you exercise, or about the boring foreign film Niles made you sit through, or about the progress of Eddie's on-again, off-again romance with the ottoman!
Dad, please! For all intents and purposes, I am not here.
Daphne?
Niles?
What the hell was that?
Dad, what was that? Dad, will you stop kidding around? Was that a date? Dad!
This is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL, 780.
Oh, don't panic, Roz — probably just one of my more ardent fans.
Niles, we've got to talk! It's urgent.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Yes.
She's back — the scourge of my existence.
I'm talking about... Diane Chambers.
She just showed up at the station today. Apparently some play she wrote is being produced here in town. I admit, I just sort of panicked when I saw her, but I think I covered it masterfully.
Oh, spare me the psychiatrist bit, Niles. That includes putting down the pad! In the drawer, Niles!
No! Not in the least! It's a ridiculous suggestion.
Over what?!
I sort of did.
I expressed my distaste for the way I'd been treated, yes.
Well, I can't just tell Diane how awful she made me feel now! It's a distant memory for her. I'd feel weak!
You know, what you just said made a lot of sense.
No, that business about my success! I tuned you out after that. I'm going to invite Diane over for dinner tonight, and I'm really gonna flaunt my success, really rub her nose in it! That'll prove I'm not just some cast-aside that never got over her. Niles, I know it's not psychologically sound. But we're still human. We have to do what feels good sometimes, don't we?
Fine.
Yes.
Wouldn't miss it for the world though, would you?
No, no, no. Daphne, I was very specific about this. The mayor's plaque goes on the piano...
The Otis Klandenning "Man of the Year Award" goes right over here...
And my jewel — my SeaBea — goes right here where she can't miss it!
Give me that!
She's a one-time Boston barmaid who had a nervous breakdown and ended up in a sanitorium, where I met her, fell for her, and then was so mercilessly rejected by her that to this day there is a sucking chest wound where once there dwelled a heart!
Diane!
Please. You remember my brother Niles, my father Martin, and this is his health-care worker, Daphne Moon.
Well, it's modest in its way.
White wine, Diane? I'm pouring an '85 Montrachet La Guiche I purchased at auction.
Hang this up!
These are a Pyreenean taste treat! They're handpicked and bottled by Andalusian monks!
Which one?
I meant which theater?
You know, why don't you people just keep talking amongst yourselves? I will go and fetch the profiteroles. They were prepared by the hottest new pastry chef in... oh, what's the use?
Oh, shut up. All right, I admit you were right. Before she leaves here tonight, I am going to tell her how much pain she made me feel. The savage truth this time — there will be no sugarcoating it! And yes, I am aware of the irony!
Yes, and we all know what a struggle it is to get Diane to talk about herself.
Look, Diane, please, I-I really didn't mean anything by it. I'm sorry—
Niles, could you please get her some water?
All right, now. Tell me what happened. Was it about your play?
Look, would you people please just give us some privacy?!
All right now. From the beginning.
Of course I'll help you, Diane.
My God, Niles, it's such a glorious day! I walked all the way here. Thirty-two blocks, and Bruno Maglies be damned! Oh yes, I see the look, I know exactly what it means too. How could I very well say "no" to Diane? She came to me in crisis. Oh, excuse me, a double cappuccino, please, light cinnamon, thank you very much. Oh, you know, the change in Diane has really been quite gratifying. Dropped her off at the theater today, and there was a smile on her face that I haven't seen in... well, far too many years. Oh, I know what you're thinking. Where did she get the money to do the play? Well, she found a backer! It's tax deductible! Thank you. Oh, why don't you go ahead and say what you're thinking, Niles? That I'm falling for her again. "Well, you did bounce in here as though you were on top the world, and babbling about her smile" — I just don't want to hear it, Niles! I'm simply helping her to get back on her feet and out of my life as quickly as possible. No, I don't know how long it's going to take. Look, I said I don't know! Oh, really, Niles! Curse you, you are the most infuriating busybody! I'm not sitting with you.
"Night — making all things dimly beautiful..."
Yes. Eleven years later, we're still on the same page.
Diane, I'd be honored?
Are you sure you're ready for this?
Big step, Diane.
Hey, Dad.
What if I were?
Oh, that was the old Diane. She no longer sees herself as the center of the universe. And I'm not the old Frasier anymore either. People can change, Dad.
The new Frasier resists the temptation to correct your French.
I may be able to illuminate that for you!
What you are feeling is that this woman has reached into your chest, plucked out your heart, and thrown it to her hell- hounds for a chew toy! And it's not the last time either! Because that's what this woman is! She is the Devil! There's no use running away from her, because no matter how far you go, no matter how many years you let pass, you will never be completely out of reach of those bony fingers! So drink hearty, Franklin, and laugh! Because you have made a pact with Beelzebub! And her name is Mary Anne!
Diane?
I thought we should talk.
I was driving around.
You didn't. I think I misled myself.
Oh, it's all right.
No, Diane, it isn't necessary. The things I said... well, they just needed saying. Besides, I don't really feel all that harshly — and in retrospect, I'm reasonably sure that you are not the Devil... although he does have the power to assume pleasing shapes.
I'm sure things'll work out fine. Well, I think I've said what I came to say.
Well, I suppose he'd tell her that he feels the same way. That she's touched him in a way she can never imagine, he's glad she was in his life.
Well, I suppose he could say, uh, "until we meet again," probably certain that they never would.
Oh, I suppose so, yes. All right, then, don't have him sum things up. Just let them say their goodbyes, and if their paths happen to cross again, so be it... Goodbye, Mary Anne.
Diane.
All right, let's try it again. Goodbye, Diane.
Force of habit.
Morning Daphne, Dad.
Yes, very impressive, isn't he? When he wakes up you must get him to tell you about his stint as security coordinator for Jimmy Hoffa!
Dad, come on, rise and shine.
You fell asleep. Oh, good morning, Niles!
Ah yes, I see our newspaper thief has struck again!
Come on in.
Well Niles, I think that's hardly cause to celebrate. She called you just because she wants something?
What else would you expect from a woman who thinks her chocolate allergy entitles her to park in a handicapped space?
Oh yes, two perfectly lovely women victimised by an unjust system.
Only if they moved the bars closer together.
Well, that's it for today, folks! This is Dr. Frasier Crane wishing you good mental health!
Well, right back atcha! I take it things didn't go down so well at the station?
Oh, dear God.
Roz, if not for his sake, then for mine, please?
Sounds just a tad shady, Roz. You mean he went to some hoodlum?
No, give me that!
Are you mad? I will not have you turning a minor, albeit annoying situation into a, a Martin Scorsese film!
Her Commodore?
I'm sure.
Yes, whatever happened to the days when a parent would take a wayward child by the hand, march them back to the scene of the crime and make them say, "I'm sorry, Your Holiness, it'll never happen again"?
Yes, who better to mend the fragile fabric of a troubled marriage than a man whose business address is a wharf!
Niles, look. This is ridiculous, it's past midnight. I'm leaving.
Do you suppose that's him?
Good point, Niles. Where would a criminal come up with the money for something like that?
Pleasure.
Yes, we certainly know about those, don't we?
Just show him the charges, Niles.
Oh, yes. She's ounces of fun.
Well, I must admit, Niles, it is not entirely unpleasant to rub shoulders with the demi-monde. I definitely felt a real testosterone surge, you know?
Oh, Niles, it must be your cellular phone vibrating.
Well?
At this hour of the night? My God, it's past midnight. What kind of business could it possibly be ...of mine where you're going!
Jerome! Look Niles, it's Jerome! In my house!
Yes, yes! Excuse us, Jerome!
No, Niles. He's probably having a luau and he came to borrow our Poi Ramekins!
Knock it off, Bugsy!
Oh no! No! That's fine!
You know, for the life of me, I can't recall ever having seen a woman wearing so many different kinds of furs all at the same time.
Well, you're in luck! Niles happens to be one of the finest marriage counselers in all of Seattle!
To me?
Jerome, you know I'm a psychiatrist. I'm used to rendering my opinion, not being a mouthpiece for someone else. I'm not sure I'm comfortable with this.
I see. Well then, why don't you just give Brandy my unlisted home number, which I'm sure you came across when you were finding out where I lived. I'll be glad to chat with her.
If I'm able to dance.
Dad, how can I possibly as a self-respecting psychiatrist tell any woman to marry that thug?
This coming from the psychic who thought he was a chiropractor!
Okay, dad!
The key to lasting weight-loss is to change the way you view food everyday. You can't go on through life binging and then starving yourself for two weeks just to fit into that gorgeous new evening gown you've bought for a special occasion. Can you understand that?
Don't mention it, Steve. Roz, who's our next caller?
Hello Randy, I'm listening.
Brandy?
You know we're all out of time, my goodness I feel so sorry but...
Thank you, Roz! Alright Brandy, go ahead. Your problem, please.
Well, I can certainly hear the love in your voice, so I say case closed, best of luck to you in the future!
Well, I think a little mistrust adds mystery to a relationship.
Lobster? Limos? My God, give me his number and I'll marry him!
You know, this really isn’t necessary...
Well, that just leaves more time to cuddle!
No!
Well... taking into account the years you've invested in the relationship, and Jerome's obvious love for you, not to mention his generosity...
Brandy... run! Save yourself. Do not marry this man. This is Dr Frasier Crane, saying goodbye, and see you, God willing, tomorrow.
Yes, I'll have a non-fat, decaf latte, please. Oh, what the hell? Look, make it a full-fat mocha with extra whipped cream. What the hell, put a slice of bacon on it!
Niles! Don't do that!
Oh, like I'd tell you. One minute of interrogation and you would crack like a Jordan almond!
For as long as I live. Which'll probably take us through breakfast.
Oh, wrong again!
Believe me, the last thing I wanted to do is displease you. Or to hear the words "acid" and "Dr. Crane" in the same sentence. But - Jerome, I'm sorry - how could I have advised her otherwise? She said that you cheated on her.
Alright, be that as it may, how can I advise her to marry a man who's so controlling that he won't even allow her to work?
So you're saying she's had trouble finding her niche?
So she has agreed to marry you?
Oh, good Lord. I distinctly told him I wasn't available until noon.
Don't you think this is getting a little old?
Yes, is Dr. Crane there? This is his brother, Frasier.
Morning, all. Daphne, I got treats!
We went for a walk.
When I saw what a beautiful day it was, I headed for the park. Of course, the only people in the park at this hour of the morning without dogs are winos and that guy in the harem pants that washes his hair in the fountain. He says hello, by the way.
Sort of nice? My God, haven’t you people noticed this? It’s incredible! Dad, you should feel this. It’s eighty degrees outside and it’s the middle of February!
Yes, it is glorious. It defies you not to take a moment to acknowledge the power that created it.
Sure, Dad. What’s the occasion?
Oh well, you’ll want to throw in a hooker too, won’t you?
Hmm.
Right.
I get it, Dad.
I can do the math.
Yeah Dad, you should go.
Well Dad, his birthday only comes around once every four years. As a matter of fact, this day only comes around every four years. You know, it’s like a free day, a gift. We should do something special, be bold! It’s leap year, take a leap!
No. And Dad can pay for his own trip.
All right, Dad, back in your court. Are you up to the leap year challenge?
Dad, Jimmy’s already sixteen. How many more birthdays is he going to have?
That’s the spirit!
Well, have you forgotten? I’m singing “Buttons and Bows” tonight at the P.B.S. pledge drive.
Yes, but I’m doing something remarkably fresh and different with it this year!
Like a ’56 Rambler!
Good morning, Niles!
Oh Niles, that’s wonderful news! It’s high time you and Maris sat down and talked through your problems.
Niles, I don’t mind telling you, I’m a little bit concerned about this. Maris claps her hands, you come running?
Oh, surely you’re exaggerating, you’ve only been separated for three.
You really want to sacrifice your self-respect for a roll in the hay?
Niles, you and Maris have not sat down and discussed your problems. As a psychiatrist you know that sex will only cloud the issues.
Oh, Niles...
Well, will you at least think about what I’ve said?
Niles... you know I’m right.
I most certainly am too!
Niles...
Of course not. Just don’t think about sex.
Grandma in a teddy.
You’re all mine in buttons and bows!
Mmm-hmm! Roz, it is a wonderful day. You know, I think the entire city of Seattle is convinced it’s springtime. I was walking down the street, I passed a pet store, and in the window I could see two snakes doing a mating dance.
Well, I can see the unseasonable sunshine has done nothing to improve your mood.
Well, alimony aside, I found it rather liberating.
Carl Lagerfeld?
I’m sure another one would have come along in ten minutes or so.
So am I.
Roz, if you really want to try to find him again, you know we do reach half a million listeners. Why don’t you just tell your story on the air?
It’s two o’clock.
A glorious good afternoon, Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane. I’m thinking a lot today about leap year. Today is February 29th, and although it isn’t an official holiday, perhaps it could be looked upon as one in a metaphorical sense. Just as Christmas reminds us to be generous of spirit, so leap year reminds us to take a leap in our own lives. To be bold, try something new. Too often we shrink from doing things we really want to, held back by... oh, appearing foolish, perhaps... Roz?
Is there anything you’d like to say before we start taking calls?
I’m reminded of a quotation by John Greenleaf Whittier: “For all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these: ‘It might have been’”... Roz?
Did you know that a woman over the age of thirty has less chance of getting married than of being killed in a terrorist attack?
So Gary, if you’re listening, please, please give us a call. We’ll be right back after these words.
Oh my God, oh my God! How could I say “I really liked you and I thought you were cute” – who am I, Marcia Brady?!
Well, we’ll be right back for more calls, and more on the search for Gary, after this news break.
As I pause to make sure the “ON AIR” light is off, continue.
Mmm-hmm.
No, you’re not.
Niles, will you just get a grip!
If you thought being with Maris was the right thing to do, you’d be there with her. You know it’s wrong. That’s why you’re here, asking for my permission.
Niles, get back! You just stop that! Get control. My God, man, there are far more important things here than simple immediate physical gratification.
Oh.
Oh, ignore him. You know, human nature never ceases to amaze me – how otherwise rational people can be turned into babbling ninnies by their hormones.
Well, we’re back. You’ll all be glad to know that Cupid’s arrow has hit its mark. Gary has just arrived in the hallway, and has a big bouquet of flowers for Roz.
You know, the truth is, I’m really quite delighted with the way things have turned out today. It inspires me to take a little leap of my own. As many of you know, this evening, for the third year in a row I will be appearing on the P.B.S. pledge drive...
So, instead of “Buttons and Bows,” I have chosen to sing a very challenging aria from Verdi’s Rigoletto - something I have never attempted outside the shower. I certainly hope my little gamble turns out as well as Roz’s has.
Or even better.
Oh, God!
Did it work?
Yes, well I suppose it stood to reason being showered with coldness would only bring Maris more to mind.
Oh, I’m sorry, Niles. It’s just that I’m awfully nervous.
Look Niles, I know it’s difficult, but Maris has got to learn that you’re not just someone who can be ordered to perform at will. Now sit, play!
Dad! Why aren’t you in Montana?
My God, Dad, I am so sorry.
Will you stop it! Dad, if you’d like to talk about it, we’re both here for you.
Mmm-hmm.
Yes, something’s wrong. Things turned out so badly for Roz and Dad today, I’m just wondering if my little leap is ill- advised.
Maybe this aria thing won’t turn out so well, either.
Yeah...
How... bad do you think it is?
No, Niles! You can’t leave me now, I need you more now than ever.
You will rue the day!
Oh, Pete.
What, is it too hard for you?
Yeah - along with some Veal Milanese and a rather disappointing Chardonnay. Oh, Roz, I hope you’re not still angry with me for the way my advice backfired today?
How long are you going to stay mad at me?
That’s it! That’s it! I’m not doing the aria!
You bet I am! It may be an unwise man who doesn’t learn from his own mistakes, but it’s an absolute idiot that doesn’t learn from other people’s!
Oh, what’s the difference?! Who watches P.B.S.?!
I’ll tell you who: discerning, cultured viewers, like yourselves. Hello, I’m Dr. Frasier Crane. And like yourselves, I care about quality programming, such as foreign films, classical music, opera – which is why I intended to sing a rather challenging piece: an aria from Verdi’s Rigoletto. But, who am I to ignore the dozens of phone calls that have come in requesting my signature piece, a rather charming little ditty that I first sang three years ago on Classic Western Movie Week. So without further ado, I give you “Buttons and Bows,” from Paleface. Maestro, please?

What the hell was that all about?!
Oh, god. Somebody'd parked in my space again. I had to park six blocks from here and sprint the whole way. By the end, my tweed pants were throwing off so many sparks I almost caught myself on fire! I tell you what - the minute we go to a news break I'm going to rush down there and put this withering note on his windshield. “Dear discourteous driver...”
Oh, I wouldn't do something like that.
Roz, listen, the world has become uncivilized enough without me stooping to that level. Of course I was sorely tempted last night. I went to the movies to see "How Green Was My Valley." Lady Luck seated me in front of two elderly women who said with the arrival of each new actor, "My God, doesn't he look young; he's dead, you know." Finally I had to just walk out.
Hello, Seattle. We're back, and I would like to start by apologizing for being tardy. Nothing quite so inconsiderate as making someone wait. Now without further ado let's get to Brenda. Hello, Brenda.
Something tells me I'm going to be siding with Brenda's sister.
You're welcome! Excuse me, I was wondering if you could direct me to...
Don't you hate that? You come all the way down here yourself to the store, wait patiently, and somebody who calls in from home gets preferential treatment.
Right here!
Excuse me. I was looking for... Don't even think about it! I'm looking for "How Green Was My Valley."
It is a beautifully acted depiction of life in a small town in Wales. It won five Academy Awards! It's a classic!
Uh... you're taking "How Green Was My Valley?"
Yes, but you heard it from me! You were standing next to me in the line! Excuse me, is there another copy?
Frankly, I have had it with the whole boorish, ill-mannered world. Look, Dad, would you mind terribly if I used the TV tonight? I went to three video stores to get this tape. I'm just dying to see it.
Depends upon the dog.
What the hell is that?! The windows are rattling, the walls are shaking, and I am talking to no one!!
Not for long!
Dad, you can't possibly expect to sleep in this racket.
Yes. Yes, would you please connect me with the young man who's just moved into the penthouse upstairs. No, I don't know his name! He's in the penthouse! He has shaggy hair, tattoos all over him, his body is pierced. Oh, and I don't know if I mentioned this but he's in the penthouse!
Never mind. Has the world completely lost the concept of common courtesy? Am I the only one who is resisting this tide?! People of Seattle, listen to me! We are not barbarians! We are not Neanderthals and we are not French! Do you hear that, you up there?!
Chainsaw? Of the Newport Chainsaws? How does an arrested adolescent who barely knows two chords get a penthouse?
Oh. Well, then, I'll just add that to my list of reasons to die.
Yes, well, thank you for that, Daphne. But I've been waiting all day to watch my movie.
Doesn't he ever stop for sex and drugs?! Hello. Yes. Please, I insist on being connected with the young man in the penthouse. Yes, hello, Mr. Chainsaw? Yes, how do you do? I'm Dr. Frasier Crane. I am your neighbor; I live right below you. Yes, do you have any idea how loud your music is? Oh. You do? Well... thank you. Well, that wasn't so bad. The young man seemed quite amiable in his way.
I'm going out!
I'm going out!
I AM GOING OUT!
Smell me, Niles.
Exactly! On my way down in the elevator today a woman thinks nothing of lighting up a cigarette. Has the world gone mad?
Let me guess - no note on the windshield?
No. I think that would be a Hatchback, Niles.
Oh, that would be the Hatchback.
Oh, look, Niles - free table! Go, go, go, go!
Leave it!
Oh, there!
All right, fine.
Oh, we're not hovering, believe me. It's just that there... well, there's really no place else to stand. Oh, just take your time, please. There's no rush.
Niles, isn't that your car?
Niles, it's about to be towed!
Oh. Oh, thank you so much. Take care, have a lovely day.
Excuse me, but we were waiting for this table.
Well, there aren't any. Look, you knew that we were waiting for it. We politely stood back and let those people leave and then you just jumped right in here!
No, we won't! This isn't about the table anymore! This is about the erosion of common decency. Sir, when you treat me this way you encourage me to be discourteous to another. And so on and so on. You don't have any manners, do you? Then perhaps what you need is an etiquette lesson!!
SIT DOWN, NILES!
Fine.
What did Niles tell you?
Dammit! Niles blabbed!
"Three cheers for Dr. Frasier Crane, who struck a blow against rudeness yesterday in a coffeehouse melee." Perfect! Now all of Seattle knows about my loutish behavior!
Dad!
No, no Dad. I will not toss Niles about the room.
A tad.
Daphne, don't you think you were overreacting just a bit?
No. No, no... Daphne. Please, really. It's not necessary. Thank you all. It's just that this isn't sitting well with me. I find it hard to believe any good can come of violence.
That's it again! Mr. Chainsaw. This is Dr. Frasier Crane...
Go ahead, Daphne. Make my eggs.
You know, I do wish people would stop making such a fuss.
Oh yes, all right. Hello, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. Who's on the line, Roz?
Hello, Mitch.
Oh, that's very inconsiderate.
Mitch, I must say I'm stunned. I can't imagine a more extreme response to such a minor infraction.
Oh... people. People, please. There's no need for that. I'm no hero.
Well, Niles, I've driven on the freeway with you. The rest of the hand has been well-represented. Oh, look, there he is. Mr. Harvey, I'm so glad you could come. You remember my brother, Niles, and uh... we're at "our" table.
Well, there's no need for any hostility. I just came to talk.
No! No, they'll be nothing like that here today! Now, listen, I could try to explain my behavior by saying that these are stressful times we live in, that I had reached the end of my tether. But I won't do that, because you see, I was 100% wrong. I had absolutely no right to touch you and I accept full responsibility.
So, then you accept my apology?
But, but... these are stressful times we live in and I'd reached the end of my tether!
But I hardly touched you!
Niles! This is no time for you to assert yourself!
Niles, stop it! Please excuse him!
Niles!! Niles... are you all right?!
Oh, my god!! Nobody move him!
Then you admit you touched him! He admits it! Oh, Niles. Niles, I'm here for you. I promise we're going to get you the best care that THIS MAN'S MONEY CAN BUY! My god, Niles, that was brilliant. You even got a tear in your eye!
Are your eyes closed?
It's something my antiques scout found for me. Voila! Paris, 1882! Designed by Jean- Francois Blon, while attending L'Ecole des Beaux Arts!
Would you like to try a game, Niles?
Well, all right.
No wonder — the king is stationary while the queen has all the power.
Oh, hi, Dad. Did you see my new chess set?
"Nice?" Well, the inlay was made from the same Travertine marble they used at the Emperor Hadrian's palace outside Tivoli!
Good one, Dad. Say, how about a game?
Oh, come on, Dad. You know how to play, don't you?
Oh, come on, checkers is a kid's game. Come on, Dad! I just got it! Please? Nobody will play with me!
Well, let's just start with name-calling and see where it goes, all right?
Your turn.
Now, Dad, please, you don't have to rush. As a novice, you have the right to sit back, survey the board, take your time. I will not pressure you or hover like a vulture. Please, feel free to ask any questions you might have.
Yes, it is.
Well, yes.
Well, in all fairness, my mind was a bit distracted by having to monitor your side of the board, but, uh... Touche! How about another game, Dad?
Well, uh, all right, fair enough.
Pawns, Dad.
Yes, it's called a rook.
Can we call it a night, Dad?
No, I mean can we call it a night?
Oh hi, Roz.
Perhaps a blood-pressure cuff?
Oh, really? Trouble on the dating front?
"Noge?"
"Noge?"
Well, how's this for an icebreaker: "Say, Noge, where'd you get such a stupid name?"
Oh my God.
That's how he did it.
My father beat me at chess last night, and I've just realized now it was sheer dumb luck. He stumbled into the Panoph- Vinick attack!
Oh Roz, I can't tell you what a relief this is. My God, my whole world makes sense again.
Yes, and it'd be a lot easier if you'd stop bringing it up.
Hello, Niles.
To what do I owe this pleasure?
Mmm, baffling.
Well, I'm surprised she wasn't snapped up before you got there.
Yes, Niles saw her in the pet store and had this inexplicable attraction.
Hit Number One.
So, Dad, can I, uh, interest you in an ice-cold Ballantine?
You know, I may even join you myself. I've got some pork rinds here and some of that creamy Lipton onion soup dip!
Well, just count 'em!
Oh, don't be silly! But you know, if I ever had to, don't you think it'd be nice if you knew how to play chess?
Dad, it's not considered a move until my fingers have completely cleared the piece.
I am analyzing my options. Unlike your "wing-it" approach, I like to plan a strategy, like a general leading his troops into battle.
Gosh, that's very well done. You're really getting a feel for the game, Dad.
Sit down, old man, you're not going anywhere!
Finally, my patience will be rewarded. The trap is set. I knew this moment would come!
You know, Dad—
O.K. Yes, I guess I've had my fill as well. Well, this has really turned out to be quite a good idea, hasn't it, this chess thing?
Awfully relaxing... oh, yes, yes, you just - you just go on ahead, I-I've got - hah! - something I've got to do...
Hi, Roz.
What is the reason behind this miraculous transformation?
And what did you tell him about me?
Mad? Why should I be mad, knowing the sacred code of silence all hairdressers have sworn to?
Well, if you manage that, then you really would have a story.
Yeah, same for me, please. Listen, Niles, I need to talk to you about Dad.
Well, he's still beating me. I tell you, Niles, I just can't figure it out — I am the superior player.
If you're suggesting that I'm afraid to beat Dad, you can just stop right there.
You were saying?
I see. Yes, it's the classic Oedipal conflict. It seems so obvious now. I've been letting him win! Niles, thank you, thank you very much. I can't tell you what a relief this is. I feel like a weight has been lifted. Nothing can hold me back now. Tonight, I topple the king!
Dad? Dad, wake up, it's your turn.
Oh, come on, Dad, just one more game!
Daphne, I would rather have a tarantula lay eggs in my ear than listen to any more of this puppet show. Do we understand each other?
Eddie! Speak! Speak, Eddie!
What's going on?!
It's O.K.! My fault, false alarm. I was just a little remiss in replacing the batteries, everything's fine.
Back to bed!
Dad, you know, seeing as how we're both up, I thought maybe we should, oh I dunno, do something, you know?
Well, uh, right off the top of my head, I... well, play a little chess?
Well, sure! We're both wide awake.
Dad! I—I had no—
No, of course not! And I wouldn't have to resort to such lengths if this damn dog could learn to speak! Oh, of course, now you'll get it right! Look, Dad, would one more game kill you? I mean, you're all riled up. My God, you'll never get to sleep now anyway!
I never said that!
No, I haven't!
Oh, Dad!
All right, that explains why you can play the game, but not why you beat me every time! Now, come on, just one more game, please? Dad, look, I'll never bring it up again! Come on!
If you win, I'll give you five thousand dollars.
I took the liberty. Now, Dad, I think we can sit down and play a nice cordial little game. For centuries, people have set aside their differences to play a game of chess. So, who should go first?
OK. No more Mr. Cordial Guy!
Don't try to pull your cheap psychological tricks on me.
Oh, did I mention... the cemetery called? Apparently they have to dig a sewer next to your plot.
Getting your dog to stare at me only proves how desperate you are.
I sweat when I'm happy.
No, no, you took your finger off that piece!
Yes, you did! That means that you must not trust that move, must have left yourself vulnerable somewhere.
Oh, look at that... what's this? Could it be... checkmate? I won, I won, I really won!
No, but, I bet you wish you did now, huh? Ha-ha, it feels great!
Fine. Fine, Dad. Goodnight. Geez, lighten up! It's only a game!
Dad? Dad?
No, no, please, just one question: did you let me win?
No, no, please, did you play your best?
You wouldn't just be saying that?
Thank you, Dad.
I'm sorry I beat you, Dad.
That was the most riveting production of Wagner I have seen this season.
Dad, you'll be pleased to know that Niles and I have decided to give all your things to charity. We're donating your clothes to the blind.
Dad, I'm sure Niles is only doing this to protect Mr. Safford from himself.
I don't know, Niles, you always wanted to have a nickname. You remember your campaign to have the string section of the youth orchestra call you "Rocky?"
Well, have you talked to your husband and heard his side the story?
Well, Beth, it does seem that your fears may be well-founded, but I still think you should talk to your husband before you come to any final conclusions. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, wishing you good day, and good mental health.
Thank you, Roz. Roz, why is that light still on? Is that Beth who I was talking to?
Yes, it is!
Yes, it is!
Have you been talking to Beth?
Ho-ho, very droll.
Oh, Mr. Giroux, I'm afraid there's been some mistake. It's my brother who's connected with the case.
Well, that's very flattering, but given my brother's connection with the case, it wouldn't be very prudent for me to get involved.
You sound like my father - a man who believes that burial is a form of age discrimination.
It's highly unlikely that I would disagree with my brother's opinion.
You're a good lawyer, Mr. Giroux.
I'll see you at seven?
You were talking to my last caller.
I hope not.
Uh... yes, yes. That's quite a model railroad Mr. Safford has running through the grounds. I've never seen one on quite that scale.
Oh, yes. Yes, especially when it's bearing down on you. I got my heels stuck in the soft grass. I barely made the crossing. Tell me, how often does Mr. Safford... play with his train?
Very admirable.
Yes, well, I promise to consider all the evidence before I arrive at a conclusion.
I think I've arrived.
Dr. Frasier Crane. I don't believe I've ever seen a fire pole in a home before.
And, uh, the hat?
Well, no, I don't think I should.
I guess it is sort of fun, isn't it?
Oh, I think "nuts" is a little strong. He must have meant that your behavior might seem to most people to be a little unconventional.
Do you... speak to yourself often?
Oh, no, thank you. Thank you, I'm trying to cut down on... lollipops. Thank you. But tell me, why do you call people "Sparky"?
Oh, I'm not too sure how warmly that would be embraced by those undergoing electroshock.
Um, anyway, your son tells me that you recently sold some property at a fraction of its value.
Well, he also informed me that you recently indulged in an unorthodox, not to mention hazardous mode of travel.
Well, actually, that was my wording.
Well, why not just purchase a ticket and ride in a club car?
I think I can. Mr. Safford, what you've said makes a great deal of sense. Before we go on, there's something I have to ask you.
It's a little embarrassing.
Okay. Can I slide down that pole?
Dad, are you going to watch something now?
I don't understand.
Another inspiring tale of our men in law enforcement.
Well, suffice it to say I learned today it is unwise to slide repeatedly down a fire pole wearing woolen trousers. Daphne, would you...?
No, I'm afraid I missed that.
Niles, I have to talk to you about something. Just after the show today I was visited by a man named Mr. Giroux. He asked me to represent Mr. Safford.
I'm sorry. Given your involvement with the case, I naturally declined.
But, I did agree to see if I concurred with your analysis and speak to Mr. Safford.
I just have to tell you that I found Harlow Safford to be completely sound mind - and don't say "What?!"
Perhaps it'd be better if we spoke somewhere else.
I just don't want you to make a fool of yourself. These people came to me, they asked for my expertise.
Of which you are jealous and, I fear, the reason you took this case!
And to be on television!
Niles, you made a hasty judgment and I am sorry, but you were wrong.
Oh, your pathetic childhood issues have nothing to do with it. Face it, you were wrong! Wrong, wrong, wrong!
I spent several hours with Mr. Safford and I found his behavior to be...
You think anything that's even slightly spontaneous is aberrant.
Niles, I'm warning you. If you get up in that courtroom and say that, you will damage yourself professionally!
Fine, then you leave me no choice but to testify against you!
Good, I look forward to it!
Good!
Daphne, please. Turn down that radio. Dad is trying to watch a fight!
So, how are you holding up?
Well... it was my duty, not to mention a pleasure, to help you. But if you'd like to donate something, why don't you select a charity of your own choosing?
Good. Excuse me.
Hello, Niles. You know, it's not to late to ask them to put a big blue ball in front of your face during the broadcast. Perhaps spare you some shred of your reputation.
Oh my God! You're wearing makeup!
Dr. Revlon?
And if you had an ounce of self-awareness you would realize that your diagnosis was colored by your zeal to put your face in front of that camera. Oh, by the way, your medication is rubbing off on your collar.
Your honor, I would not presume to bore the court with a recitation of dry statistics, gerontology studies, obscure literary references.
Instead, I intend to speak from the heart. I worry about a society that has chosen to define normalcy in such narrow terms that if someone's behavior deviates ever so slightly, we question his capacity to function. Mr. Safford's seeming eccentricities - his love of trains, his generosity - they can all be readily explained.
Uh... Did you say diabetes?
Fine.. fine. Uh... we'll, uh... we'll talk about it afterwards.
My apologies, your honor. Mr. Safford and I were discussing a very sizable donation he intends to make later today to a very worthy cause. I guess his enthusiasm just got the best of him. But, it is this very generosity that his son finds so objectionable. That, and the fact that he did hop a freight train across the country. But, you see, what he sees as unstable, I see as... romantic.
I... I don't suppose there's a railroad track outside the courtroom?
Uh... doesn't Mr. Safford deserve to be a bit of a free spirit after the years of his demanding career? A career in which he wore... many hats. Um... the hat of a father, a philanthropist, a C.E.O...
In the end, it all comes down to this: can we really condemn a man for maintaining a childlike joie de vivre even in his twilight years?
I think I know where your next stop is going to be.
Now, look, Niles. Before you start gloating, let me just say this. You were right, I was wrong.
Oh, don't worry about it. I humiliated myself far more than you did today.
Obviously, you didn't see how I was tap dancing up there like an organ grinder's monkey.
I might as well have been pilloried in the town square.
Oh, stop it, Niles! We're doing it again! Niles, you have no reason to feel badly. Everyone wants to be recognized for something they're good at. And you are a good psychiatrist.
Something I can't really lay claim to after today. How could I have so misjudged that man?
Yes, but you weren't fooled. Somehow, you picked up on some tiny clue that I missed. You remember what it was?
Well, I'd like to think that I might have picked up on that one too. Still...
Thank you, Niles. You know what would cheer me up right now?
I would like to hear that summation you never got a chance to give.
Yes.
Do you care?
Well, all right then. I'm the judge! I'm the judge!
All rise.
Have we been sworn in? Yes we have, your honor. Dr. Crane, proceed.
You don't have to speak for me, Niles. I'm perfectly capable of speaking for myself.
What is that supposed to mean?
I guess I can tell you...
Well, it began with me. Last week, I was at work doing my radio show. I was on the air with a troubled young woman. She had just started telling me about a recurring dream she had since childhood.
That is amazing!
So, a girl on the other side of a glass with an urgent message.
And for some reason you're unwilling or able to receive it.
Oh, dear. Um, listen, Jill, I'm terribly sorry, but listen, I'd like to continue talking to you when we're off the air, so please don't hang up. In the meantime, listeners, I've enjoyed our time today. Tune in again tomorrow when we'll be talking with...
I hate this job. Not only do I have to put up with that annoying little sweat-sock, but when a caller comes in who has a truly fascinating problem, I'm barely even able to scratch the surface. It makes me want to run screaming back to private practice!
It was something like that.
Oh, Niles, do shut up.
Hold it, stop!
Niles, you know full well that Daphne merely told us that story, she did not act it out.
No! Just tell the story!
You know, I can't stop thinking about my last caller today. Fascinating young woman who had a recurring dream.
Yes, that would be the jewel in the crown of my career! Still, thinking about this woman has started me longing for private practice. I guess I just miss the chance to dig deep with my patients.
Oh yes, of course. I've got a list of people who've expressed interest.
You?
And I?
Working side by side?
I don't mind telling you the prospect sounds... quite exciting!
We could give seminars together.
Oh, my God, "Crane & Crane", I can see our logo already; a giant Crane hovering over a human head!
Dad, why are you laughing? Why is Dad laughing?
Two little mis-adventures and you doom us to failure.
Hold it!
Niles, tell the truth!
To "Crane & Crane"!
Well, our first day together began innocently enough...
Good morning, Dr. Crane.
Oh, Niles, why should we be so formal, there's nobody around.
It's a hi-five, Niles!
Oh, yes, please. Oh, Niles, I can't tell you how much I've missed that. The smell of the office place. Freshly oiled leather couches, the pungent coffee, the aroma of an exotic luncheon special wafting up from the cafeteria below.
Up to speed?
Well, that's very considerate of you. Just put my homework assignment in my box there.
Well, the only place it should go, actually, is right here by the couch, I think.
No, there's this desk space here by the coffee station.
It's your office, put it where you like.
Well, she said it with body language.
Forgive me for overburdening you, Dad. Could you just put those in my office, please?
Of course, Niles. If I were interested in self-promotion, I guess I'd be content with my radio show, heard every day by over half a million listeners - the Pacific Northwest and parts of Canada!
What are you doing?
I like it where it was.
I have had this plant for two years and it has never been in direct sunlight.
They are not, they've wilted a little from the ride over in the trunk of the car.
This plant is going right over...
That was an accident.
I am so tired of your exaggeration, you always make things fifteen thousand times worse than they are! I'm going to tell the story from now on!
The point is, our nerves were, well, pretty much shot by the time we conducted our first therapy group together...
Afternoon.
Guilty as charged.
But rest assured I am trained to deal with a full range issues. Everything from envy to jealousy! But, I'll just be observing today, I don't know you well enough to render any opinions yet, so just pretend I'm not here.
Hmmm...
I don't think so.
Well, since you've asked. I think in divorce we have painful feelings, which are never the less healthy feelings. We start to date too quickly and we want to be sure that that's not panacea for the pain.
Hmmm...
Well, since you've asked. It occurred to me that by waiting for five and becoming, as you said, desperate, that perhaps you were really giving yourself license to pursue the woman who reminded you of your first wife. You had to repeat the pattern.
We have an expression in psychiatry: "there are no accidents."
Dr. Crane, are you denying that most accidents happen for a reason?
Certainly a well-deserved one, considering what an insufferable prig someone has been today!
One more crack about my show and I'll put that little wooden block in a place you'll always be able to find it!
Niles, you are not scaring me... the thumb goes on the outside, Niles! On the outside!
I don't need your group! I've got a group of my own, half a million strong!
You know, I'm just a little tired of your condescending attitude. You have not missed one single opportunity to run down my show or grab a book off the shelf to help me "get up to speed!" My God, you're such a brilliant healer, you've even taken over the care of my Schefflera!
All right, fine, let's just give this little dear all the sunlight it needs!
If I were, "Doctor," you'd never know it!
If I were, "Doctor," you'd never know it!
Right here, buddy boy.
Oh, for God's sake, Niles, just get down, I'll go first. All right?
Is he in position?
You should know he catches like a girl!
Why didn't you catch him?!
It was your turn!
Yes. But there is no denying it. We are vindictive and competitive....
As so often in these cases it took someone outside our situation to point it out to us.
Well, there's no arguing with Dr. Schachter's credentials. My God, the man is an expert in his field. He graduated from the University of...
Grenada!
Oh yes, of course, his graduate work was done in... Aruba!
I knew he was a fraud the minute he opened his mouth.
Niles, we still have time to catch a late lunch!
Away we go. Oh, "Chez Shea" is just as close.
Oh, Niles. Have you lost your mind?
God, you're going to get us killed!
Oh, this is ridiculous! First the drycleaner, then the ATM, now you're making me cart you off to some restaurant!
Oh, a basket of fruit would suffice!
I'm driving!
Here. Oh, oh, great! There's a police car behind us. Please don't turn on the red light. Don't turn on the red light. Don't turn on the—
Oh, I refuse to do anything of the sort!
Hello, officer. I'm listening.
It's not what you think. See, we were just coming back from KACL, where I do my radio show.
You see, we ran a little late, because I was on with a very troubled caller, with a very complex psychological problem... on my radio show.
Drat! My cover is blown.
Oh well, thank you. It's always nice to—
Be arrested by a fan.
Roz, if you could delay ablutions? I'm in custody here!
No, no, I'm simply taking my producer to meet her date.
Question asked, question answered. I'm just going to be dropping her off, then have a cold plate of deli, and get to bed early. Almost makes you feel sorry for me, doesn't it?
Don't you hate to work on your birthday?
Thank you.
I'm listening.
Do you sense a little moment there?
Well, between me and that very attractive officer. It just felt like there was something there.
Now, just a minute. We'll see if she's watching me. If she's watching me, she's interested. Oh, yes! She's turning around, she's looking up!
Oh, yes. I've cast my spell.
Oh, why bother? I made the same wish last year, it didn't come true.
Oh, what a surprise. Look, they're lighting again! What sorcerer's magic is this? You know, Dad, I had a nice little birthday bonus today. On my way home, I was pulled over for speeding by a very pretty policewoman, who let me off. I got the distinct impression that she found me attractive. Now, that sort of thing happens, doesn't it?
Oh, ha, ha. I'm telling you, there was something there, though. Well, of course the whole conversation's academic. I don't even know her name. I suppose I could call down to the police station and try to find out who was on traffic duty. But, uh, I don't suppose they'd give that sort information to a civilian. You'd have to have some... conduit to the police department, an insider who could break that damnable code of silence!
You, Dad? Why, I didn't even think of—
You know, I haven't felt such an instant attraction to a woman in quite some time. Well, considering the difference in our backgrounds, it's really rather puzzling.
Blanchett and Fourth.
Thanks, Dad.
Well, I don't know. A police bar? If I go in there alone, I'll stand out like a sore thumb!
Oh, all right, I'll go! Give me a second, I'll put some fresh collar-stays in, and-oh, oh, I've got a fabulous brand-new cashmere jacket I've been dying to premiere!
I don't know.
No, that's not Maureen.
Oh, there she is!
Oh well! Oh my God, fancy seeing you here!
Oh, you remember me?
Roz.
Oh, uh, this is my father.
Let me get them. I'm a beer drinker myself, what about you?
Here we are! Three beers. Good news, there was a fly in one glass, so these are free!
Oh, that's too bad.
Oh, that'd be great.
Bye.
Well, I think that went very well, don't you?
Hi, Dad.
Yeah. Where are you going?
What are you gonna do?
When are you gonna be home?
Well, you put a dent in the car, young man, it's coming out of your allowance!
Daphne. Charlotte, Maggie.
Please, sit down.
Oh, I am. But, uh, not for a couple of hours yet.
Ah, well, I see I've been quite the hot topic over the teapot.
Yes, well, if you must know, I was planning to go down there, but not for a couple of days yet.
Well, women don't really like men that are too overeager.
Well, McGinty's is on my way to the station. I suppose I could just pop my head in. Thank you, ladies, for your support — even if it was nakedly self-serving and insincere.
Dad, I can't believe you're doing this!
Believe me, I did not put him up to this, though I think he's overselling me a little. I'm not the greatest guy in the world. Seattle, maybe.
Oh, I'm just joking. OK, Dad, thanks for warming her up for me. I can take over here.
I know you might think this is one of those wildly embarrassing moments where I'm standing here with egg on my face. I assure you, I'm not as embarrassed as you might assume I would be embarrassed. I'm not uncomfortable, so please, don't you be uncomfortable either.
Whatever!
You asked her out?!
There's no use lying to me. I am at the lowest point I could possibly be, so please just tell me the truth!
Going down!
Niles? Niles knows?
Well, is there? "Something there?"
Well... it's not as if we were standing side-by-side when she chose you. I was at the bar! If you'd gone to get the drinks, things would have been different.
Dad, I'm drowning here. Please, throw me a line!
No, no, no, Dad! I'll be OK, really. Well... the old dog's still got it in him, huh?
Oh no, Dad, Dad, don't sell yourself short. You've got a lot to offer. Well, I'd better head off to work. Goodnight, Dad.
Damn!
Oh, just wonderful. Forty-three is off to a rousing start. Remember that policewoman I was interested in?
Well, she's dating my father!
Mmm-hmm!
I spent the last hour wandering the streets, trying to take assessment of my life. Do you know how long it's been since I've slept with a woman? Seven months!
All right, nine months!
Oh sure, fine, you can't spare me five minutes to talk about my problems, when every day I drop what I'm doing to be your personal Wailing Wall. "Frasier, he stopped calling me." "Frasier, he wants his key back." "Frasier, his girlfriend is having me followed!"
Nine long, long, months.
You know who that woman was?
Edna, from Accounting.
The next day, she dumped me! I tell you, Roz, I'm starting to feel nostalgic for that summer in my twenties when I was impotent!
The only comfort I have now is knowing that my humiliation can't possibly get any worse!
Hi, Edna.
Oh, Niles, good morning.
Daphne, has Bebe Glazer called back yet?
Well, a barracuda is what you want in an agent, Niles. It's just that the station's been sold, I was hoping she might have some scuttlebutt on the new owner.
I must admit she's rather hard to get a hold of these days.
Hello, Roz.
What have you got on the new owner?
Yeah?
Excuse me, could we get back to the subject at hand, please?
Dad, Wilford S. Boone-
Please, Roz, I just can't say that yet, alright? - Wilford S. Boone owns thirty radio stations across the country. If he likes you he's been known to syndicate your show nationwide. So, I'm trying to find out if we have anything in common - an angle, if you will. So what are his interests, Roz?
Oh dear God, I'm sucking up to Yosemite Sam!
Great idea, Roz. Why don't we just start the show off with a segment on how to get in touch with your inner young'un.
What's going on?
He fell for that?
Oh Gil, you've been had. The new station owner isn't Greek, he's from Texas.
Uh, Mr Boone?
Pleasure to see you. I'm Dr. Frasier Crane. This is Roz Doyle, Gil Chesterton and...
Oh, no, don't be silly, Mr. Boone.
Don't be silly, Big Willy.
Oh, congratulations.
Oh lord, that is a very bad habit.
Well, I'll certainly try. Just keep in mind, though, addiction is fraught with many complex issues. Length of habit, motivation...
Consider it done.
That's me, Dr. Frasier Crane, bimbo wrangler.
Oh, Bebe.
Well, yes.
Oh, he thinks I'm some sort of a magician. He wants me to play therapist to his little fianceé. No doubt some gold- digging piranha so devoid of scruples that she's willing to rob the coffin and just...
Oh, dear God!
I'm sure you do. I'm afraid there won't even be a wedding if you can't get rid of that rotten habit, and he's just ordered me to see that you do!
Just that all-important last puff.
In... three days?
Excellent progress, Bebe! You've really dived into the emotional void that is the route of your addiction. Your fear of abandonment, your fear that those you trust will suddenly turn their backs when you expect them to... Excuse me.
If I had a dime for every time... well... Niles!
Thank you Niles, but why so many?
Well, the next time you go back be sure to buy me a thousand swordfish so I can use these up!
That's my girl.
Yes, Niles?
How can you know that? You hardly spoke to her.
She always looks like that, she's an agent.
That means she would have to stay here for the weekend.
She's trying to quit smoking.
Not to worry dad, there is no reason she has to stay for the weekend. Bebe and I made a real breakthrough today. If you don't believe me, just come on into the kitchen and you'll see that I'm right.
All right Niles, secure the door! Bebe, you are not going anywhere, you're staying for the weekend. Now give me that purse.
Very well.
Oh, stop it!
Now, now Dad, it's flattering to Daphne that Bebe finds her food so tasty.
No, please, please. Let's all try to remain supportive Bebe. I think she's really doing rather well.
Niles, Big Willy's eighty-five, he's on his third pacemaker.
Well, this is very good, Bebe. You're already identifying those moments that trigger your worst cravings.
No, really. Perhaps it would help to know that you're not alone. Dad is an ex-smoker. Dad, can you tell us about those moments you crave a cigarette most?
Oh now, Bebe, tell me. What is so wonderful about smoking?
What the hell's going on out here?
Daphne, give me those.
I'll get you a towel. My God, it's five-thirty in the morning! Dad!
Have you people all lost your minds? Alright, now listen, get back to bed, every one of you!
Oh, get her! Stop that woman!
Bebe, you will not be allowed to smoke a cigarette in this house! No, no, don't even think about it! All right, just give me those!
All right now, that's it! Back to bed!
Oh my God, you're insane, woman!
Hand them over!
Big Willy, hello! No, no, it's not too early, everybody's up! Well, you know, there have been a few minor setbacks, but I'm keeping on top of her, yeah. Oh yeah, I know she'd love to say hi, hang on.
Yes, sir? Oh, oh, really? No, no, I'm very flattered. Yes, of course, I'd love to, I'll talk to you this evening. Bye-bye. Thank you, Daphne. All right, now listen up! He thinks I'm very gifted.
He thinks I'm wasting my talents in just one city! My God, woman, he wants to take me national, don't you get it? Unless YOU ruin it for me!
Well, don't be too hard on yourself, Bebe. After all, addiction to Nicotine is a very, very difficult... hey, wait a minute. This pack is half-empty!
For God's sake... I don't care anymore. You know, I can't help you, nobody can. You want to ruin it for both of us? Here, go ahead, knock yourself out. I only wish I could be there when it happens.
When you see that newspaper headline: "Big Willy Boone, Millionaire, Dead."
Oh, how I wish I could be there when you watch the funeral on the news. Watch the casket being slipped into the ground. Only, you won't be watching that. No, no, you'll be watching... the widow Boone. Tiffany, perhaps. Oh no, better yet, "Kelli" - with an "I"!
You'll picture her wearing YOUR jewels, sailing in YOUR yachts, sleeping with YOUR gigolos - but, oh, you won't be sad, no, no, no! Because you'll have your cigarette.
Yeah! Clutched in your nicotine-stained teeth, smoke whirling about your once-pretty, now creased, leathery, smoke-ravaged...
There was no wedding.
Well, you might say things hit a bit of a snag.
Oh will you get a grip, Roz?!
Well, they were halfway down the aisle - Big Willy beaming proudly, Bebe radiant, supporting Big Willy on her arm - when suddenly he clutched his heart, and his head slumped against Bebe's shoulder. Of course we were all concerned at first, but then suddenly it seemed like he was all right because they kept moving on down the aisle. But if you looked carefully, you could see Bebe's little biceps bulging through her wedding gown, and I swear I noticed daylight between Big Willy's dress boots and the carpet. Well, once they got up to the minister the jig was pretty well up, despite Bebe's valiant attempts to animate his features by twisting the loose skin at the back of his neck. You know, I've never seen a woman more crushed.
Bebe, dear? Please, come on in. That's a girl. All right, let me have a look at you. Come on, here we are.
Well, I don't really blame you, dear. You know, Roz and I are both upset too. You know, look at it this way: at least you're no worse off than you were before.
Well, you know, Bebe, there are other Big Willys out there, better ones! Richer, older... Impotent!
Oh Bebe, really... Look, Roz! It's a gold Rolex! Oh my goodness...
Bebe... where did you get this?
Go ahead, Tom. I'm listening.
Well, how long have you two been together?
And the sex is still that good?
Well, common interests are of course the foundation of... three times, you say?
Well, uh, no, no, it's not abnormal. It's not fair, but it's not abnormal.
Um, but you know, perhaps you share more things than you think you do actually. I'll tell you what, try this: why don't you pick up a catalogue from a local university, go through it with her and see if there are any courses you'd like to take together?
Well, I'd wish you the same but it hardly seems necessary.
Well, that's it for today, Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, wishing you all good mental health.
I'll call him from the car. He's flying to a conference in Switzerland; I promised to talk him through it.
Well, not coach!
Roz, is this the dress you're wearing to the wedding?
Is there a reason it has to be so, so...?
Not the Dairy State's comeliest chunk of cheddar?
Oh, well, we don't need Freud for that, do we?
Well, do you want me to answer as a friend, or a therapist?
See a therapist.
Well, Roz, I think your whole problem stems from some unresolved issues that cause you to choose the men you date. Always flashy and superficial, offering no prospect of a lasting relationship.
Maybe fear of commitment, fear of being hurt. But maybe it's time you started looking at different kinds of men. You know, men who are more settled, a little less flash and more substance.
Oh, thank you, Bulldog.
Well, I'm going to record my father. I'm going to have his life on tape so Frederick can enjoy it in years to come.
Well, Roz, it's only for a few hours. After that you can donate it to the Salvation Army... and one day make some Irish drag queen very happy.
Good Lord, is it placenta treatment time again already?
What is it? What's the matter?
Oh, God.
Well, it's a tricky subject, isn't it? How long have you been seeing him?
Oh puh-leease! A hundred and fifty!
Well, I would say eleven, but I get your point.
Good God! He's here to see Roz?
Niles, you don't understand. She-she's been very vulnerable lately.
I've got to warn her!
But-but-
Oh... of course, of course, you're right, I won't. But that is the last man that Roz should be with!
Oh, Roz!
Frasier Crane, pleasure.
Oh, why not??
Well, Roz, let's not rule out that all-important third look.
Oh hey, Dad! Fresh from your walk? I think now is as good a time as any to crank up the ol' camcorder.
Oh Dad, you've been saying "no" for weeks now!
All you have to do is just sit here and talk about your life.
I can't believe you're refusing to record your history, the story that only you, Martin Crane, can tell, because it gives you the creeps!
I don't know why you're being so negative about this. It's not really for when you're dead. It's for when you've lost your mind.
Oh hello, Roz! Why, after waiting for forty-five minutes, did I assume you'd forgotten our appointment?
Oh yes... Ben.
It's just that I know something about Ben...
He's a little old for you.
Exactly my point! When you were a freshman, he was a senior. That never works out! I'm getting my briefcase!
Oh, Ben, Ben, Ben! My God, Roz, would you just drop it with Ben for a minute and pay some attention to me?
Morning, Roz!
Hey, you look lovely, that colour's very flattering!
You know, I think this calls for a hug!
No, no, no, no, Roz. Look! My God, the ratings are in, and we did better in our timeslot this week than ever before! Congratulations, partner!
Why don't we have dinner tonight, celebrate?
I should have known. Another time, perhaps.
Uh... tomorrow, Bulldog. Well, maybe tonight you could just have a police sketch artist crouch on your balcony.
Oh I'm, I'm sorry, Roz. I should have knocked.
I couldn't help overhearing the last part of your conversation there. You think you're not rushing things a little bit with Ben? Are you really that serious?
But you know, there are a lot of men in the world.
Well, that's more of a personal preference but I...
Well, it's just that you've only been going out for a month!
Of course I'm happy for you.
Me and my stupid advice... will be with you for the next three hours, Seattle!
Hello.
Niles, actually I'm glad you're here. I have to talk to you about Roz.
Niles, please, I've gotten desperate!
Niles, she plans to tell him that she loves him tonight! From what you told me about Ben's patterns, that will be the end of it and Roz will be shattered. God, there has got to be some loophole in this confidentiality rule that will allow me to warn her and still preserve your ethics. Niles! Help me look through these textbooks!
Please, Niles! Think of Roz!
Well then, think of what Freud said! "We are never so helplessly unhappy as when we lose love."
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I know, I know. Thank you.
Say, here's a possibility. According to this, it says we can warn her if he means to do her bodily harm. Does he?
Damn!
Go on...
She did attack a vending machine once, when a Twinkie came out of the Oreo chute.
Well, she often claims that she is responsible for the success of our show.
She once ordered a bottle of white Zinfandel!
It's amazing they even let the woman drive!
It's Frasier!
Oh my God! What happened?
Oh, oh, honey! I - come here. Oh God...
Oh I'm... I'm sorry, Roz. Here.
When you... when you professed your love for him, uh... were you dressed like that?
Oh Roz, no, no! Now, now, come on!
Come on! Now look, look, you know, I find that whenever I'm low, it always lifts my spirits when I just spruce up a bit. It wouldn't hurt to run a brush through your hair... or through your teeth.
No, no, not at all.
Well, actually, I was coming over here to take one last stab at convincing you that Ben was the wrong man for you. You deserve someone better, Roz.
Oh, now, things really aren't all as dark as they seem. You know, you're a-a beautiful, intelligent, desirable...
Why don't you let me just take a stab at that, will you? I can't imagine any man not thinking himself the luckiest in the world to be with you.
Yes, and I'm surprised you even had to ask me that.
What?
Daphne told you that?
No, no, I'm not. It's just that when she said that...
Well, then... there's no point in denying it, is there?
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Roz. Uh, you know, it's just that there are so many...
Exactly my point!
Yes yes, lots of time.
Well, I do say that, yes. It's true, but...
We're very good friends.
Oh well, in my case, painfully free.
Now that you mention it, my relationship with you is probably the best one I've ever had with a woman! Not that it's been much of a horse race, but...
Here's hoping the next time you tell a man you love him, he says it back.
I love you too, Roz. You gonna be alright?
Well, I'd better run.
No, no, I'll-I'll stay if you like!
See you tomorrow, Roz.
Oh, Niles. To what do we owe this pleasure?
Niles, is this going to be a long story?
Walk-and-talk.
Oh yes, I do, actually. Saved my life last year when Eddie licked my Liechtenstein! I'll get you his card.
Oh, sadly, no. The radio station is subjecting my program to something they call a "focus group" this afternoon. Dinner, perhaps?
Well, they actually drag a pack of people off the street and make them listen to my program, and then dutifully record their opinions about it.
Oh, absolutely. Can you imagine Sigmund Freud being dragged into a roomful of Viennese laymen to hear remarks like, "hate that Oedipal thing, but, oh, love the penis envy!" I mean, really! The worst thing is that they may change my show in deference to the opinion of Joe Six-Pack!
That sound you hear is a nail being hammered into my coffin.
Just as nature intended.
Niles, what was that all about?
Are you saying you that enjoyed fighting with Daphne?
Niles, is this going to be a long description?
Walk-and-talk.
By showering a reluctant girlfriend with gifts, Billy, you're applying a band-aid to a gaping wound. My advice is to find someone who will return your worthy affection, or your wallet, as well as your bed, will be empty. I see we're out of time. Thank you for listening. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, wishing you all good mental health.
Now, Roz, relax. We do a perfectly good show. We're not going to change it one iota. Only a fool would listen to the opinion of every Tom, Dick, and Harry.
On the other hand, it's good to keep an open mind.
Well, I just don't know how much more of this I can listen to!
Well, who is this cheeky nonconformist?
"I just don't like him." Hmm...
Bulldog, I thought they were testing your show across the hall?
Bulldog—
Oh, stop it!
Oh, that's disgusting!
Fine, I guess.
Yes, well, it's one thing to say that. It's another to sit there being personally attacked! One man actually said, "I just don't like him."
Well, all the other eleven had nothing but high praise.
I wish I was able to talk to this man and ask him what it is about me that he doesn't like. But, I-I can't, you see, he was told that his comments would be kept confidential.
Well, what is it he doesn't like about me? My voice, my manner, do I intimidate him?
Well, you know, Dad, I'd like to think I've matured a bit since then. But, you know, you would have sulked too, if you'd read in the paper, "Mr. Crane's attempts to gyrate his hips as Conrad, the teen idol in 'Bye-Bye, Birdie,' made this reviewer say, 'Bye-bye, breakfast!'"
All right now, Daphne, just a moment! Just try to remember what you're like when you're arguing with Joe. Consider Niles's situation. He's separated. You can't imagine the emotional see-saw he's on. Not to mention the fact that he may be unaware that he's acting like a complete jackass!
Well, just consider it payback for the headline, "Crane's 'Birdie' Lays An Egg!"
I suppose my negative baggage is just a pound or two over the weight limit.
This is good! This is healthy! I'm letting go!
There he is. The man who... doesn't like me.
I'm sorry, Dad. It's just that "I just don't like him," it's not specific enough. Why doesn't he like me?
Well, if his point was valid, I would do something about it. If it's not, well, then I could dismiss it.
I can't. He's not supposed to know I was part of the focus group. You, Dad! You could go talk to him for me.
All I want is more information. Dad, please? Please go talk to him for me?
O.K., fine. Oh, but wait, wait, wait! Now you can't just walk up there and ask him. He'll know that I sent you. Got to find some artful way introducing the subject.
All right, I've got it, I've got it. You're a business man in town from Chicago. No, no, it's too obvious. Uh, from Cleveland. No would ever pretend to be from Cleveland.
Wait, wait, we're not through yet! Yes, you've had a bad sales month, and you're a little depressed. You happen to see an add for my show on the side of a bus, and you were wondering if I'm as intelligent as I look.
Oh, just word it your own way. Are we clear on this now?
Yes, Dad, eat! Honestly, sometimes you can get so obsessed about things!
Good. Did he believe my story?
Right. So, uh, Dad, what doesn't he like about me?
Yes, how so?
What do you mean you didn't ask him?
I'm sorry, Dad, but I have no idea what "he's annoying" means!
I'm just going to have to do this myself!
Thank you.
Hello.
Uh, yes, yes, you were recently speaking with a salesman from Cleveland.
It was just five minutes ago. He left you and went over to that car waiting right over there. You see?
Yes, yes, it is. I'm so sorry, I really don't mean to bother you but I would like to talk to you for a minute.
Oh, no.
That man was my father—
Oh, that's very nice of you, but you see, you told him that, uh, you find me annoying. Yes, yes, you did, and that's all right. I don't mind constructive criticism. It's just that I wish you could be a bit more specific. What exactly is it about me that you find so annoying?
Yes, I am! Would I be here if I wasn't?
Oh, no, no, please!
I'm so sorry.
Let me help you with that.
Manu?
Oh, dear God! I'm so sorry! Are you all right? Let me look at it, let me look at it—
Look, I am a doctor.
Right, you know, I'll hold down the fort here! Glad to be of help!
Oh, good lord. Smoking in the worst places!
Ah, yes, uh, well, that would be oh, fifty cents. Thank you so much. There we are.
Why, yes, I am.
Oh, occupational hazard.
Oh, I wouldn't mind at all.
Amanda, it's a pleasure.
Oh, oh, well you see, let me explain, you see. The, uh, radio station conducted a little audio survey today, and although the response was favorable from eleven out of twelve of the participants—
Well, some people might consider it smoking, but you see, for me—
Uh, may I? Look, I know there's nothing I can say right now that would make you feel any better, but rest assured, I will be financially responsible for everything.
Well, you were kind of vague.
Was that so hard?
This is Dr. Frasier Crane, wishing you all good mental health.
Oh, Roz! Oh, this is so much fun, Roz! I got you one too!
Look, don't oversell it, Roz. It's a tape. "The Dr. Frasier Crane Show: Show #1, May 21st, 1993."
Oh, Roz! I can't wait to listen to it! Did you ever think I'd stay on the air this long?
Yes, it's from Hallmark's "Irony" section.
You deserve them. Working side by side for three years, one can't help but become close friends. And they're blue! To match your... lips when they're cold!
Oh, I understand. All right.
Daphne! Where's my dressing gown?!
That better not be a long-distance call!
No, not at all. I think you're a terrible liar, Daphne, but a perfectly run-of-the-mill daughter.
Well, that makes sense.
Well, it sounds like an easy decision, Daphne — Hasta luego.
Well, Daphne, that is one of those questions that make life so rich... and psychiatrists richer.
Good afternoon, Seattle. My name is Dr. Frasier Crane. If you can feel, I can heal.
Fasten your seat belt, Eddie. It's going to be a bumpy ride.
Hello. You're on the air with Dr. Frasier Crane. "Put your head in my hands."
"Little owlet in the glen, I am ashamed of you, You are ungrammatical in speaking as you do, You should say, 'to whom, to whom,' not 'to who, to who.' Your little friend, Miss Katydid, may be green, 'tis true, But you never heard her say—" Who the hell are you?
What? Producer?
Yes, yes, but, uh, where's Dave?
But I was comfortable with Dave.
But I did a mock show with Dave. I did mock-call-in's, mock commercials, mock news bulletins!
All right, look, Miss Doyle, I'm sure you're quite capable, but Dave has fifteen years of experience. I'd really prefer that he do it.
I really think I should call management and ask for Dave, it's not really fair to Dave or to me.
Why? We were here until 2 A.M. this morning, as I explained to Dave in meticulous detail my philosophy optimal mental health!
No! No, no, as I explained to Dave before, there will be no call-screening. You see, I want my show to be fresh and spontaneous, and call screening squelches all of that.
Good afternoon, Seattle. My name is Dr. Frasier Crane. "If you can feel, I can heal."
Let's see who's on line one! Hello, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. "You're on the couch."
Well, I meant on the metaphorical couch.
Uh, moving on then, um, how can I help you?
No, no, please, please, dear friend, you must - I'm really here to help you. Please, go ahead.
Well, you know, often in these cases, it helps if you restate your problem. But this time, try boiling it down to one succinct sentence. Now, how would you do that?
Well, perhaps we should go back to the wordy version. Uh, we'll be right back after these important messages.
Are you trying to get transferred?
Oh, well, this is a match made in heaven then, isn't it?!
"Don't be offended." Why should I be offended? In the last week, I've uprooted myself from my home of fifteen years, moved all the way across the country away from everything I care about, and plunged myself into a frightening new career! The first few nerve-wracking moments, I walk in here and find my producer lobbying to get herself transferred to another show! Abe Lincoln had a brighter future when he picked up his tickets at the box office!
Duly noted.
Bye, Roz.
Oh, Niles!
Well, the radio station's right across the street. I did my first show today.
Niles, aren't you going to join me?
Niles, I've seen you once in the last two years.
I remember your fourth birthday party. Grandmother took us to the park to ride the carousel, and made all those little children wait while you wiped off your painted pony.
Well, uh... oh, uh, thanks again for dinner the other night with Maris. You two seem very happy.
Oh, yes.
I'll have a black coffee.
I hope I never see the day when I am so frightfully pretentious that a good-old cup of American coffee isn't good enough for me.
I haven't been to see him yet.
Well, I've been very busy, what with settling into the new apartment, unpacking...
Geez, I know I should, Niles. But I'm really in such a vulnerable state right now. The last thing I need is Seattle's reigning sourpuss taking potshots at me.
Yes!
Niles, I visited him in the hospital. He made his roommate cry, and the man was in a coma.
You know, I'd forgotten what a weird little person you are.
Thanks, Dad. So, big game?
I do.
Thanks, Dad.
You filthy liar! You said he'd changed!
No, thanks, Dad.
So...
Oh, actually, I drove.
Uh, Eighty.
Darn. So, Dad, did you listen to my show today?
That's all right.
Well, uh, kind of rocky. Spent a good part of the day puzzling over the proper signature line to use to introduce myself.
Well, you know, I'm looking for something that's familiar but not a cliché, you know, something that's memorable but not too gimmicky... You know, it doesn't really matter if it's got something to—Dad, please, I'm trying to have a conversation, it's hard with the TV on.
I'm trying to describe to you my dilemna with that phrase—
That's it! "I'm listening!" That's fabulous! Have you got a pencil somewhere?
"I'm listening." Dad - oh, I love that!
You're leaving?
Dad, I haven't seen you in two years, I stopped by and you're leaving in ten minutes?
At least I'm making the effort.
Dad, you know you're painting an awfully bleak picture here. Ever since I moved to Boston, I've come home at least three or four times a year. It's just lately things got a little hectic, and I haven't been able to come home as often.
No. The point is that we're here now, together. I don't want this night to end before we've at least tried to have one real conversation. Will you at least try, Dad? Will you just sit down with me for a while and let's try, please?
So, uh, you know, I'd forgotten how much it really does rain here.
Makes things green.
My darling, I would have thought that old fascination would wear off by now.
Oh, hey, guys.
Well, thank you. Dad, how did you know?
You listened to my show?
And you didn't turn me off.
Faint praise, and yet it thunders in my ears!
Let's go, let's go!
Oh, fellas, hold the elevator for me.
Daphne?
I was just thinking about our discussion earlier this afternoon, and I've decided to give you an extra week off. That way you can go to Manchester, and Acapulco.
Well, I've just realized that being part of a family is really worth the effort. And very often the effort... means you'll need a week in Acapulco, so...
You're welcome.
Well, that's a good way of thinking. You know, things can get better.
Still... would you mind leaving those brochures of Acapulco out for me?
Well, we have time for one more caller. Roz?
Hello, Ed, I'm listening. Ed? Ed? Well, we seem to have lost Ed. Let's take another caller. On line four we have.... Roz?
Roz?
We have....
Eye...
Lean. Oh, Eileen. Hello Eileen, I'm listening.
Well, that's perfectly normal. It's quite normal to spice up one's love life by imagining a tryst with, oh, a sports figure or a movie star or...
Excuse me?
Oh, I don't know, Eileen.
Oh, well I don't really think that's appropriate...
Roz, I don't think...
Well, this is Dr. Frasier Crane feeling a little red in his chiseled cheeks. Till tomorrow then, this is KACL 780 AM.
Roz, that was quite a flattering description. You know, just out of curiosity: were you just helping that lady with her fantasy or do you really see me that way?
Are you through?
All right Roz, I will see you tomorrow.
No, no, no, just tell them that my aunt died. I'm off to her lawyer’s now, she put me in charge of her memorial.
Oh, don't be, she was a dreadful old harpy. Life around her was miserable.
Well, I don't mean any disrespect but you know, the entire time I knew her she never said anything to me that wasn't scornful, derisive or contemptuous.
I was her favourite!
Dad, I thought we had an agreement: Eddie doesn't roll around on the sofa and I don't throw him in front of a bus!
Yes, apparently Niles makes the ladies self-conscious.
Apparently, it was Aunt Louise's wish that Niles dispose her ashes.
Yes, what about the Christmas tree I bought her?
"Is that the best you can do? It wobbles!"
It's two weeks after tomorrow. Lucky lucky me, her last request was that I deliver the eulogy.
There aren't any!
No Daphne, I refuse to invent virtues the woman didn't have. I'll just have to find something good I can honestly say about her.
My guess is she finally made it.
Shoebox?
Tell us, dad, what's in the shoe box?
Oh gee, dad, why did you never tell us about this?
Very poetic.
Lord, this shoebox is full of them. "I didn't mean to hurt her, she made me lose my mind".
Well, Niles and I do. You've got the tune in your head, why don't you let us write it down for you?
Dad, come on. Yeah, you're probably right. You just sit there night after night watching TV until the time finally comes when we collect your ashes and scatter them over that chair - where they'll probably go unnoticed.
Dad, dad, in Niles's defense, after four hours your "ba-bap- ba-ba-a-a-a's sound a lot like your "scoopety, boop, bop, bam!" Right, Niles, let's just try it again.
She's such a groovy lady, She makes my heart go heidi-hiedi, She is the chick I spend my nights dreaming off...
Niles. Dad, I don't mean to criticise. You know that "heidi-hiedi?" It sounds like Cab Calloway sung backwards.
No, no: "She makes the bravest cat go 'fraidy!"
Very nice Daphne, no.
Her lips are red as ruby, She makes my heart go scooby dooby, She is the broad who makes me coo-coo in the heart.
Well?
Never too late.
I can't even come up with a first line. I got this old photo album, probably one of her pictures might inspire me.
No, I refuse to lie.
I'm not sure that, "Stop crying, or I'll give you something to cry about" would qualify.
Oh, bless you, Daphne. Are you sure you're up to coming to the memorial?
Very commendable.
Oh dear Lord, Niles, don't tell me you haven't disposed those ashes yet.
Well, winter's coming. The sidewalks are always slippery. I'm having the same problem with the eulogy!
Niles, I think you might be right.
All right. Perhaps I'll have some inspiration on the way over in the car.
Fine.
What am I going to say at this memorial?
You write lyrics, don't ya?
Oh, dad, it's a good sing. I even caught myself singing it in the shower this morning.
Just because you haven't heard anything yet doesn't mean... you have heard something?
Oh, I'm sorry, dad.
Well, you know, at least you gave it your best shot.
Oh, you are so helpless! For Pete's sake, give it to me, give it to me.
Well, well, well. What can I say about Aunt Louise? What can I say? Louise... touched us all. In fact, she touches us still. Aunt Louise... loved to teach us all lessons. You know, it's hard to picture her without hearing her saying, "I'm going to teach you a lesson." What particularly comes to mind, by the very way she lived her own life: she taught us how important it is to pursue our dreams. Whether we succeed or fail, what really matters is that we tried. And now as we say goodbye to Louise, a phrase comes to mind. It was coined by my very own father... "She's Such A Groovy Lady."
I said, "She's Such A Groovy Lady."
Hello, Niles.
What for?
Oh, then the rumours were true?
Oh, just give me a minute, Niles. Just sit tight, huh? And we're back. Before we take our last call, I'd like to remind you that Mercy Hospital will be conducting free blood pressure testing this Saturday on Whidbey Island.
Hypertension leads to strokes, heart disease and other maladies, so we should all be on the lookout for symptoms like shortness of breath, quickening of pulse, irritability- Oh, will you just shove the damn thing into your mouth! - So let's all join together to help defeat this silent killer.
Roz, who is on the line?
Hello, Mac, welcome to Seattle, I'm listening.
Well, you have my sympathy. There's nothing more irritating than pointless and pretentious erudition. My advice to you is to simply avoid him, is that possible?
Well, that's one on me, or rather one on me and my call screener, Roz, whose ancestors were once heard remarking, "Oh, what a nice wooden horse, of course I'll sign for it." This is Dr. Frasier Crane wishing you good mental health.
How many times have I asked you to desist with your adolescent antics?
I mean it, I'll go over your head!
Do you believe these hijinks I have to put up with?
Oh, run along.
Miss Costas, I'd like you to meet my brother, Dr. Niles Crane.
Oh Kate, can I have a word with you?
Yes, well, it'll just take a moment.
Yes, I've tried dealing with this problem on my own but Bulldog insists on interrupting my show with his foolish pranks.
Yes, well I did not spend eight gruelling years at Harvard to be mocked by that juvenile jackass!
Oh, he's beyond shameless!
Well, I'm sure you'll mention your alma mater too some day - when it's credited!
No, I'm sorry.
Just make sure he understands that...
Two syllables every homeowner loves to hear upon entering the door. Would that have anything to do with the fact that you're feeding my imported foie gras to a dog?
Oh, well, heaven forbid that Eddie should ever work a nerve! When Niles gets here we'll have sherry and snausages!
I'm the one who's had a hard day. How come no one ever brings me tranquilizers?
Hello?
I'm sorry, I am expecting him if you'd like to leave a message.
Well, perhaps I can help. I'm Niles's brother, Dr. Frasier Crane, and as luck would have it I was in an all-male version of "The Mikado" at Oxford. People still ask to see my Yum- Yum.
Well, let me see. Well, of course my falsetto isn't what it used to be but, um... "Three little maids from school are we, prim as a school girl well may be, filled to the brim with girlish glee, three little maids from school!"
Dad, would you please be quiet? I'm trying to settle a bet here.
Well, Dad, I'm glad to see that you're amused, having your own son humiliated publicly.
That is not exactly a miracle transformation when it comes to Chopper Dave, a man whose life work consists of looking down at the freeway and saying, "Crowded"; "Not Crowded."
To the station!
Thank you, Dad. That also clears up a question that's troubled me for years concerning the night you were shot!
I warned you.
I don't believe you.
I want to talk to Kate now!
Oh, very clever, "she's not in." Like that'll make me go away!
She's not in!
You promised you'd put an end to Bulldog's shenanigans and instead you encouraged him. You're cancelling "Pet Chat With Nanette"?! She's been on for six years.
So, you would have me ridiculed for the sake of those hyenas!
Funny?! Funny!?
I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with a man who's favourite t-shirt reads "Seattle Hooter Inspector"!
I am a doctor, I went... ...to medical school! I will not embarrass myself by engaging in a grab for ratings.
Kate, this is not over!
I am sick and tired of people telling me that!
Three little maids from school are we, three little maids from school!
You would think that in a city with this much rain that people would develop an etiquette about it, but no! They buy umbrellas that are too big for them, you have to walk into the street to get around them and then they drive too close to the curb so that you're sure to get splashed! And they wear brown shoes with white socks!
Nothing! But I mean, really, get a fashion sense!
No, they didn't.
It turned out the station manager is encouraging Bulldog's little pranks. Now she wants me to return his fire on the air. Well, I thought the idea was absurd at first but now I'm starting to warm to it.
You know, you're right, Niles. If I have to fight cheap and dirty on his own turf, then I will!
And what is that supposed to mean?
And, I'm not funny?
I don't believe this!
Now, you see, dad, I made you laugh.
You know, just because I haven't caused anyone to blow beer through their nostrils doesn't mean that I can't. Anyone who can compose a clever ballad can certainly master the intricacies of the whoopee cushion!
All right, you just tune into Bulldog's show tomorrow. Pop open a beer and prepare for a Budweiser geyser!
Here it comes, Roz, the hilarity ensues!
It was just as difficult to be the lookout! Stop whining!
No, no, it's even better. Even better that she will be an eyewitness to my little jape!
Roz! Any news?
Why not?
Oh, they're not only beneath me, they're beyond me. I'm going to accept my limitations, and be satisfied to merely be witty and urbane. Even my most barbed comments never drew blood! Oh God, I feel sick.
I'm going to tell her the truth.
I've got to unburden myself.
I'll keep your name out of it!
Kate, I see that your strength is back. I brought you some flowers.
You know, people use that word "psychotic" an awful lot these days. A kid steals a candy bar, suddenly he's a psychotic.
Are you sure that's enough? Make sure that all goes in!
Well, Kate, I came here for a reason.
No, but if someone had, I would have forgiven him, just as I'm sure you will forgive...
Well, I'm sure the poor misguided prankster that perpetrated this evil deed really had no ill will in mind. It wasn't his... or her... You know, that Nanette from "Pet Chat," she had a real axe to grind!
What?
You giggled.
What?
What's funny?
What?
Oh, oh, the shot's kicking in, isn't it?
You know, Kate, maybe now would be a good time...
You want to hear something really funny?
Kate, Kate, before you go to sleep, there's just one last funny thing I want to tell you...
I put the lizard in the box.
Oh, God! It's alive!
Well, I, it was meant for Bulldog. It was all an accident, I never intended to...
Kate? Kate?
NURSE!
Roz, who's our last caller?
Go ahead, Marilyn.
Well, you're not the only one. My producer Roz has regaled me with many stories of the great Dairy State.
Of course she did.
Ladies, as fascinating as this is, I'm afraid we're out time.
Make sure you all tune in tomorrow for Part 2 in our series, "Women of the Cheese Belt." Goodbye for now, and good mental health.
Oh, excellent. I'm hosting a tasting tonight for the wine club Niles and I belong to. I'm hoping they name me the Maitre d'Chai. It's a long-standing dream of mine to wear that silver cup around my neck.
Fine! Make sport, but this does happen to be important to me.
Well, that was before I got in.
It's not like we don't recycle the bottles.
Big, full-bodied, nicely baked. Essence of truffles, long finish - Chambertin 76'.
Well, considering you learned to cook in England, it's a wonder I can't tell your flank steak from a braised tennis ball.
Ah, touch of oak. Hint of currant. Whisper of....
...what is that, what is that? Oh yes, wet dog!
Dad, wine tasting is not a stupid game - it's a highly refined skill.
Well, we would if they had impeccable taste. Which reminds me dad, I have a favour to beg. Would you mind if I moved your chair into your room until after the tasting?
Okay, Niles, grab an end.
Yes, with that stick where it is I'm surprised you can bend. Start hoisting, come on.
Look what you've done!
Oh, of course I'm talking about the floor...
Dad, you have no idea how critical these people can be: they love finding fault.
A rug? Where a rug doesn't belong? Why don't you just throw down a Twister mat, have a few rounds between vintages?!
Yes, it's that kind of advice that leads to shag carpeting!
Ah, good morning Daphne - extra pancakes for me this morning! I'm famished!
And a hat trick would be?
Enough said, thank you.
Pleasure.
It's right here.
It has to be done by five. My guests arrive at seven, so it has to be a firm five. Not a five-fifteen or a five-thirty.
Splendid.
Niles, forget it!
Niles, Joe is here already and we do have a deadline.
Niles, it's settled.
Niles, Niles, he's talking about the scratch.
What is happening?
So naturally you're sawing a hole into my wall.
But how long?
"A couple" is vague. That would mean the big hand would be on the twelve and the little hand would be...?
On the four? Oh, the four is okay, fine.
Oh, well he's a regular canary in a coal mine, isn't he!
Don't ask, Niles. Oh, I see you've got the Romani Containe.
That's funny, the importer told me he had two.
You know, if I didn't know you better I would swear you had squirreled one away for yourself. But then we both know that you must be telling the truth, because you're such a slave to your ethics that even the slightest transgression would cause your nose to bleed.
You just sniffed.
A snort is out, that was in.
Thank you. You have a bowling bag?
STOP POKING ME!
Oh, yes please - the Brie is sweating up a storm.
I will be back after work at five-thirty - I hope I have your word that my apartment will be perfect for then.
Alright, think think before you answer. This is not like marriage vows, or a promise to a dying parent. This really, really counts.
Thank you.
I'm sorry, I need this nose tonight, thank you.
Joe...
Wonderful. Perhaps you can explain these legs.
Tonight?
Niles, don't yell at me. If you were able to lift anything heavier than an emory board we wouldn't be in this position.
Thank you, dad. You know, I was just considering whether I should go shave or slit my wrists. You made my choice a little easier.
Oh, well, that explosion idea's sounding better and better. Could someone at least move that mantle piece away from the door! Hello? Just hold on, will you?
That was the mayor on the phone. Apparently his wife can't make it tonight so he has invited Senator Adler! Can anything else possibly go wrong?
Oh, dear God. Is that blood on my floor? And another drop.
Niles!
Well?
What did you tell Daphne?
Oh Niles, how could you be so selfish?
Look, I don't know what sort of twisted fantasy you've concocted about you and Daphne. I suppose it involves a comet hitting the earth and you and she having to rebuild the species! But trust me, Niles, it is not going to happen. She needs a man - one who can do more for her than just smell her hair.
Daphne!
You are going to fix this.
Tell her the truth. Only the truth shall make you clot.
Yes Daphne, er, Niles has something he wishes to discuss with you.
I'm never going to make it. Daphne, would you please get that?
I cut myself because I was shaving without water. And why was there no water? Because I had to move your chair, which gouged the floor, which made me call for Joe, who found bad pipes, who called for Cecil, who ate the cat that killed the rat that lived in the house that Frasier built!
Oh, it's over, it's over. Sing, fat lady, sing.
Why?
Bribery? That's your big plan?
Oh my God, it's starting to work! Hey, here's another hundred I was holding out on my old man!
Goodnight Daphne, have a good time.
Oh, my God, we did it, we actually did it. Oh dad, please don't leave, I'd like you to stay. I mean, you helped me to get this put together tonight.
Senator Adler, Mayor - welcome to my humble abode.
Well June, I suppose your lack of interest makes your husband feel invisible. Imagine what it must be like to sit across from someone who's constantly scanning, searching, craning their neck to see... Just what the hell is going on out there?
Huh? What? Oh, well, good for you, Jane!
Oh, yeah, well, whatever! Er, this is Dr Frasier Crane. KACL 780.
What is going on?
What? This is an outrage! I have a contract!
Oh, thank God.
I'm sorry... I was being selfish, wasn't I? I, er, feel very ashamed. It is nevertheless, er, an outrage. It's not a personal outrage but certainly a, a family of man outrage.
Well, Roz, as long as you're doing it for love, it's a step in the right direction!
Oh, oh, actually you're right! Er you, maybe you should tell her what you just told me. Er, except I would leave out the "Nazi in nylons" bit. It's not your best icebreaker.
That's right!
Kate?
Er, these people... would like to speak with you.
Well I-I'm sorry, excuse me? I think your meeting can wait five minutes. Now they're a little upset about your memo. I think you should discuss it with them.
Look, look, you know er, I, I think you should listen to Roz. Every year in exchange for your hard work you receive a five percent raise. Now, you've fulfilled your part of the bargain; she has blithely changed the deal.
Yes, my streetwise friend. You have a right to stand up for yourselves.
I did? Well, well, yes I, I did, I did, yes. But, heh, my meagre endorsement is, is meaningless without the support of the... other talent.
What? Er I, I'd love to, to help, but you know, I'm already in hot water with that woman! You can't ask me to raise a mutiny against her!
Go away, you annoying little man.
Oh alright, alright! You organise your people, I'll talk to mine!
Niles.
Niles, this is not a party; and dad, that is fourteen-dollar-a-pound andouille sausage.
Niles, these people are colleagues from the station. We're here to discuss a labour dispute.
Mmm.
Gil, Sheryl, Floyd!
Well...
That is my father's chair.
Okay, well, since we're all here... Er, now, regarding management's claim of financial distress, I've done some checking around, and I've found that the advertising revenues are up eleven-and-a-half per cent...
The wage freeze is unwarranted. It is simply a ploy of an overly ambitious station manager, and typical of this woman! She has terrorised us, she has tampered with our shows. It's time we said no to this Princess of Darkness!
What about our support staff? If we don't back this strike, they may lose their jobs! They're powerless without our support.
That statement is appallingly elitist.
Well... where are your ethics? Where's your conscience?
And we all know no-one here is overpaid...
Great! I'll get us some more wine. Dad, that was brilliant, using reverse psychology! I guess living with me is rubbing off on you a little bit.
Alright.
Very funny.
Oh, alright! Just stop it, you wise ass!
Alright, people! I have spoken with the on-air talent, and I...
Ah, yes. You've really dropped the cone of silence now. Anyway, I have delivered on my promise: the talent is behind you. If you strike, we strike. All for one and one for all!
Okay! So who is our spokesperson - who is leading the charge?
Rozalinda, a word.
Our leader is Noel Shempsky?! The man has all the backbone of a paramecium!
But Noel, Roz! A lot of people's jobs are riding on this - including mine!
Me?
No no, me?
Me? No, no, I've done enough already, oh...
What?
Okay people, there's been a coup. I am now your leader!
To the lair of the She-Wolf!
We are dissatisfied with the wage freeze and we demand to speak to you about it. Don't we?
They're a shrewd group. They only flex their muscles when they have to. Well done!
I am honoured to have been chosen by my colleagues to speak for them.
Well, we have a lot to do, so we may as well just get to it... Is that a, a new hairdo? It's very fetching.
Look, what is it about us? I mean, why all this friction between us? For my own part, your intolerable smugness reminds me of my ex-wife. But... what is the source of your antipathy toward me? Was there some intimidating male figure in your childhood? A father? A, a priest? A department store Santa... I don't know, I'm just spit-balling here!
Good. Do let me hear it.
Coincidences, all!
Oh, very well. There's really very little to discuss. These people were promised a raise. They have fulfilled their part of the bargain; it's time for you to honour yours. You have twenty-four hours.
We walk, en masse. Including the on-air talent. I've seen to that myself.
Mmm-hm.
Gunning? For you? This isn't about you, it's about what you're doing to those people. It's the shame of Seattle!
Oh ho ho ho ho, that's a desperate shot - attacking me because I have a social conscience!
Oh, you are twisting things to make it look like it's my fault! Oh, it's true what they say: the devil comes disguised as a beautiful woman!
Oh, oh, what about you? Let's not overlook that pricey little Fendi scarf you're wearing!
Well, how about those pouty lips that must have cost you a fortune in collagen injections!
You intractable despot!
TYRANT!!
SHREW!!!!
Thank you, Daphne.
Alright, Daphne...
Don't you have some meat to boil?
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I apologise, it's just been a, a, a bad day. I was elected by the employees to present our demands to, to Kate.
In a manner of speaking, yes.
No, don't be, dad - I'm a fraud.
I, I was in her office... tempers flared and, the next thing I knew, we were...
...locked in a... passionate kiss!
Daphne, I'm really not that comfortable talking about this in front of you.
Oh, alright. It was like nothing I've ever experienced before, it was just... pure sex! Overwhelming, unexpected, animal-like!
Oh, this is madness! I'm actually lusting after a woman that does nothing but grate on my nerves. I can't stand her!
What about her? Maybe she's been harbouring feelings for me. Is it possible that she could have been lusting after me all this time?
Oh, I hardly think so. The woman's passion... seemed genuine.
Do you suppose it's possible she's just using sex to sway me to her side?
There was no first move. It was more like spontaneous sexual combustion.
Alright. I was standing in front of her desk like so. She was facing me... Niles, you be Kate.
Look, just stand up!
This is getting me nowhere! Alright. I'll just have to go down there and confront her myself. Find out if what she was feeling was actually genuine or she was simply being a conniving femme fatale!
How can we possibly USE sex to get what we want?! Sex IS what we want!
Kate.
Er... I think we have some issues to discuss.
I'd prefer to stand.
Let's talk about the kiss.
Alright. Why did it happen? Some possibilities: Er, frustration; passion; the stress of the situation; Manipulation.
What's interesting is that you focused on manipulation. Why...?
So, you admit that you were manipulating me!
Well, it's not unheard of for a woman like you to use her feminine wiles to get what she wants.
You think my wiles are masculine?
'Course you're not. Because at the end of that road is a cul-de-sac of vulnerability. That's not you, is it? No, you're cement-hard.
Kittenish?
Stop! What are we doing?! Now... there are people out there counting on us!
Absolutely. We owe it to them. If it takes every minute of every hour of every day, and every ounce of strength we have, we have got to settle this strike! Alright. Those people deserve a five percent raise.
Four!
Good news - she's offered three percent.
No, never! I'm going to get you four! I don't care if I have to stay in there all night!
Damn, I didn't think you'd be here...
I'm sorry, Niles, it's just... I'm meeting Kate here. We want to discuss the little dilemma in which we find ourselves.
No.
Yes.
Right.
I didn't mean to! It just... happened! One minute we were negotiating, the next minute our inhibitions were shattered, along with my kneecap and her Macintosh PowerBook.
Yes.
We used her desk.
There she is! Look, look, just make an excuse and go, okay?
Ah.
Good morning.
Ah. Well er, it's better, thanks.
And... and your laptop? I refer to your computer.
Ah. Anyway, what I wanted to tell you was that, well, last night was one of the greatest nights of lovemaking I've had since... Roz!
Well, in a manner of speaking, yes. We were just discussing the step system in a new healthcare plans co- payment scheme and... well, it wouldn't interest you.
So would I.
Ah.
Mmm.
I've tried, Roz.
Why do we bother having a service elevator? I just rode up nineteen floors with two sweaty moving men munching on chili-dogs which they proceeded to drip onto my suede shoes. How will I ever get that stain out?
Ah, yes. Dog saliva! Nature's miracle solvent. So who's moving out anyway?
Well, I must admit she's never done that to me.
I'd rather not discuss it, thank you.
Things between me and Kate just went a little faster than I intended.
Thank you, Inspector Moon! Things got a little out of hand. I think we should slow down a bit but er, I'm afraid to tell her for fear of hurting her feelings. Daphne, how about a woman's perspective? Let's just say, for argument's sake, that you and I succumbed to a, a night of passion...
Yes...
It's a hypothetical question!
Oh, alright, somebody else! Alright? So, you have a, a mad tryst with this young man, and then the next day he says that he thinks things are going too fast; he'd like to slow down. What would you say?
You see, dad - the whole thing's a minefield.
Oh, Deirdre!
I understand you're leaving us.
Oh, do come in!
Oh oh, dad, didn't I mention it? I'm filling in for The Happy Chef tonight...
...so, you're all hers!
Goodnight, Lorenzo.
Hello, Polly. How can I help you?
Well Polly, if you want to shake up your routine, why don't you er, try something new and dangerous? Er, skydiving, belly-dancing, perhaps? That ought to add some spice.
I see. Listeners, for the fourth time this hour, I am NOT The Happy Chef. I am The Irritated Psychiatrist, Dr. Frasier Crane! We'll be right back after the news.
And while we're on the subject of tarts...
No, it's alright, Roz. Why don't you just run along for your date? I can handle the last ten minutes here.
Sure!
Oh, yes. Er, look, I, I'm glad you're still here. Er, listen...
Okay.
Oh, I am so glad you said that! I wanted to say the same thing but I was, I was afraid that you'd feel I was rejecting you!
You are one tough nut, lady.
Agreed. Frankly, now that we've got that settled, do you mind if I ask you a question about last night?
What the hell was that?!
Yes, and you me! And, and, and last night was no different. You just kept talking and talking and talking, and I guess that mouth of yours just ticked me off so much I just had to have it!
Yeah, yeah, animal! We were just functioning on instinct.
Oh, oh, let's not dismiss the element of danger - all those people outside that could have walked in any moment and caught us.
For once, in my cautious, buttoned-down life, I felt like a real bad boy.
What did you just call yourself?
You dirty girl.
Dirty girl!
Dirty girl...!!
Three minutes.
But that's alright, I can play lots of extra commercials!
Oh, yes... Oh, no! Is that the on-air light?
You must have hit the switch with your elbow while we were...
We'd better hurry up and get dressed while we still...
Done.
I can't tell you that.
Go ahead, take your best shot.
Well, doesn't that just put the cherry on the parfait.
Bulldog, haven't you already seen? I've told half a dozen reporters that I'm not going to name names.
Miss Costas.
Er, I-I'd love that, but I, I've got my show in two minutes.
What?
I must say, I find that a, a bit harsh, all things considered.
Why?
Her bedroom...?
Don't worry, dad. Look, I have no intention of letting anyone in here tonight. There's a damn tabloid news crew down in the lobby. I had to go in the back way and use the service elevator.
If you must know, I've been suspended for a week.
I spent the last three hours at the observation deck of the Space Needle, looking down on a city that's looking down on me.
Daphne.
I'm not here.
Thanks, Niles.
Wait, wait! Alright, all of you. You know nothing about last night!
Hello, Kate. Er, you know Niles, of course. Er, this is my...
...father, Martin...
...and er, his healthcare worker. Daphne, Kate Costas.
Yes. I'll be enjoying it during my suspension.
Oh, really - for what? Turning on me when I went out of my way to protect you? You know we're both responsible for this. Yet I end up looking like an idiot and you look like a no- nonsense boss!
Nothing! There is nothing you can do, there is nothing you can say, to make this up to me.
That's pretty good!
Agreed. Obviously, there's some kind of incredible attraction between us. The trick will be simply to avoid the opportunity. We're strong, we're intelligent... and we're alone in this apartment.
Yes...
Oh Kate, Kate, er, that news crew's probably still in the lobby.
Let me walk you to the service elevator and see you out.
Yes... well, I'm sure if we really try, we can keep things on a professional footing.
Just have to avoid all undue temptation.
What's going on?
You know, let's have a little light.
Ow!
It's getting sort of hot in here, isn't it?
You don't mind if I take off my jacket, do you?
Well. Looks like we're gonna be here for a little while - may as well try to make ourselves comfortable.
Maybe there are some chairs in here.
Ah, here we are! I'll just have to move this down along...
I must have knocked open a music box in here somewhere.
Yes, yes, I'll try.
I seem to have broken a bottle of something... Musk oil...!
Oh, oh, where is that damn music box? Here it is!
Ah, yes, alright, er, how about... Oh, I know, hand me that drop-cloth there and maybe I can just smother it.
You know er, I think we can just forego the musk oil right now. Why don't you just cover, cover that back up.
You're right!
We have gazed into the gaping maw of temptation, and survived!
My God, I'm, I'm, I'm proud of us!
Ah...
And we'd be kicking ourselves all the way down...
Miss Costas.
Well, I sense you're having trouble finding Miss Right.
Well, you're leaving precious little room for misinterpretation. But I sense, despite these frequent dalliances, that you're still not truly happy.
Well, Vinnie, it's obvious you know nothing about this show, or how to treat women. But even more appalling, you know even less about jewelry! A pinkie no more needs a ring than a neck needs a gold medallion!
I'd be delighted! We'll be right back after this.
Well, Roz, we can't all choose our admirers.
"The all-powerful space vixen... Rozalinda!"
"Four-breasted queen of the planet Rozniak!" I'll sign that.
Well, Roz, television will never improve unless the viewers speak out!
Roz, I think you should be flattered. Noel's attempt to immortalize you is-is akin to... a love poem written by Robert Browning to his wife.
Well, I'd have to check my English Lit notes, but I think not, no.
Hello? Yes? Niles, Niles, slow down, I can hardly understand you!
Maris is missing! What? No, I don't think you should drag the koi pond! Listen, I'll be right over! All right, just hang tight! Roz, Roz, how much time left in the show?
You're sure you can manage?
All right, what's going on?
Well, there's no need to panic, Niles. I'm sure she's all right.
Uh, excuse me? She's been missing for three days and you're just panic-stricken now?
Oh, Niles! You're certain!
Of course I am. It's just that... well, here you are, all panic-stricken and scared to death, and she's off on some shopping trip! Don't you find that the least bit upsetting?
Well, she left without so much as a note or a phone call!
You know, I'm sorry, Dad, but this is not the first time we've experienced Maris's selfish behavior! She always puts her needs before his! She never attends family functions! Doesn't that make you angry?
Oh, she's not being eccentric. She's being arrogant and selfish!
Let it out!
Well, that is a triumph of self-expression! My God, man, why don't you just let out some of the words that you're dying to say?
A-ha! You're not angry at me! That was directed at Maris!
All right, Niles, this is good, this is healthy! But you've got to channel it! You must talk to Maris!
Niles, Niles, stop it! God, you are the damaged party here, not Maris!
This mess is the physical manifestation of years of repressed anger! It's time to draw a line in the sand and say, "I have had enough!" My God, man, show her your mess!
Good for you!
Well, it's a reasonable question for a man who just ate a cut of prime rib the size of a hatbox.
Lord, let's hope so.
Niles?
No.
Well... you're welcome, Niles. But, um, how did things go with Maris?
Unbelievable!
Really?
Well, Niles, you know I'm not usually one to toot my own horn, but I think in this case I was on the mark. You feel good, don't you?
You feel empowered?
And you'd like to switch to wine now, wouldn't you?
Hello? Oh, hello, Maris. Yes, Niles is here. I'll see if he's available.
Geez, you must be exhausted, Niles. Why don't you call it a day and get some rest, huh?
What?
Well, that was very generous of you.
Well, Dad, I was just trying to do what's right for him.
Well, it's just a little difficult when it happens to be your own brother.
This is starting to make some sense.
I know.
But a darn good one.
I'll be back in an hour.
Don't ignore me, Marta!
Let me in, I need to speak with Mrs. Crane!
Well, at least tell her that I'm here!
Maris? Maris, we need to talk! Oh, look, look, I know you're up there, I can see you through the shutters! All right, if you won't talk, listen! Niles didn't ask me to come here, I came because I care about both of you. I realize that Niles spoke to you rather harshly today. Truth be told, is it was I that urged him to express his anger. As hard as it was for you to listen to such criticism, you're a fair-minded woman and you must concede that he had a right to be upset! Oh! Oh, Maris! By opening that window you're opening up a window to a long and happy marriage, that's good!
All right, you're expressing your anger! That's good, too! But, listen, in spite of that last little outburst, I am not going to leave here until we've had some sort of a breakthrough! Well, I see our time is up, I'll let myself out!
I know you're there. After last night, frankly, I've had quite enough of your kind.
You can stare all you like. I'm not going to give you anything to eat.
Oh, all right, here. You might as well finish off this god- awful Shepherd's Pie that Daphne made. Lord knows it isn't fit for humans. Did that sound like "humans?" I said "Mormons."
Well, it was a rough night.
And here's Dad, all sleep-refreshed and bright-eyed, ready to resume his lecture!
"Dear Dad, Frasier, & Daphne: when you wake up this morning I'll be gone. Thank you for all your help, but I don't want to be a burden any longer."
And we all know that Daphne's Shepherd's Pie is still in the refrigerator.
Niles, you seem awfully chipper this morning.
One thought: seek help! Niles, you've just been through a very traumatic experience here and you are deep in denial here. You are going through some very extreme emotions right now, and rather than feeling them, you're denying they even exist.
Must be very painful, isn't it?
Look at him, Dad. My God, he's locked in denial!
Well, what would please me would be to see him actually experience some real emotion! My God, he's walking through this thing like a zombie!
Niles, Niles, open the door!
No, no, don't calm down! Let it out! This is very healing!
Niles, look, just sit down for a second, O.K.?
Oh, Niles...
Niles, before you make your decision, just make sure that you're remembering things the way they really were. Yes, you bought that chair on your honeymoon in Vienna. But remember, you wanted to buy the chair that you saw in Paris. Yes, you sit at the piano every Sunday morning and play Mahler for Maris. But you hate Mahler! Besides Maris, who doesn't?!
Look, all I'm saying is that along with the good things in your marriage, there were problems — things you said you couldn't live with anymore. Now if you want those to change, you have got to stand up to her. If you back down now, you will go through the rest of your life feeling weak and small because you never had the courage to say, “I will not let you treat me like this, Lilith! ...Maris!”
Well, I've lost all credibility here. Dad, would you please say something?
Ah, Niles.
Well, tomorrow is Christmas. I suppose they might be expecting a little downturn after that.
In six hours and twenty-one minutes. Not that I'm the least bit excited.
No, Lilith doesn't allow sweets, he's probably got visions of bran.
Oh, really Niles?
Going to cave into her, aren't you?
Oh, hi Roz.
Since when?
Oh, thank you Niles.
That's enough, Talulah. You're not fooling anyone.
Now Bob, statistics prove that we're safer in the air than on the ground.
Why are you hesitant to go home?
"Oh boy, that's moist. You must have been basting that bird all day."
"Oh god, I forgot to put the rolls in the oven." I guess what I'm trying to say, Bob, is that we're all in the same gravy boat. But you see, the important thing is that we spend time with our loved ones. Just think how you'd feel if you woke up tomorrow morning six thousand miles away from your home.
Mele Keleke Maka, Bob. We'll be right back after these messages.
Oh, Roz. What did they say, what did they say?
Oh, fabulous. You know, every year Dad puts that kitschy creature with the lightbulb nose on the door.
What are the odds?
All right people, out, out, please.
Oh, listen Roz. I know you've got a plane to catch and the traffic to the airport is probably very bad, so in the spirit of the Christmas season, why don't you just take off early, hmm?
Yes, I am. Be a lot easier without you sitting over there sticking your finger in your throat.
Merry Christmas, Roz.
Yes, and say "Hi" to your mom for me.
Hi, we're back. As most of my faithful listeners know, every year I compose a parable that I hope will illuminate the spirit of the Christmas season.
So without any further ado, I give you "The Story of Olaf, the lonely little goatherd."
"Once upon a time, there lived a lonely little goatherd. He had no family, and no playthings, so to amuse himself, one day he carved a little wooden flute."
"A flute that he used to play during the long, lonely evenings. And the tune it made was very lovely, and all the people in the village below could hear the pure, glorious sound..." This is all very amusing, but nothing you can do is going to distract me!
"One day, the son of a wealthy merchant heard the music, and while that boy had all the toys in the world, he was jealous of this little goatherd's flute."
"So one dark- -night, one dark- -windy night..."
"The merchant's son stole his precious instrument, but when he took that flute home, he couldn't make it play. So he smashed the flute to bits."
"When the little goatherd came down the mountain the next day, and saw his flute was broken..."
YIKES! "He might have said that..."
"But instead he forgave the merchant's son. And the wealthy merchant adopted the little goatherd, and..."
OH, MAMA! – "he said, upon meeting the merchant's wife..."
"And somewhere along the way, he learned the true meaning Christmas." This is Dr. Frasier Crane, wishing you a truly blessed and forgiving holiday.
There now, you see? Nice try. Miss Kane's delightful performance aside, this just proves the power of my message cannot be stayed.
Oh for God's sakes, what am I, a robot?
And to all a good night.
Hi, Dad. Ah, I'm going to put this wreath up here.
Well Dad, you know, I just think that Christmas decorations should be understated and tasteful.
Dad, I'm sorry, but if I gave you one thing, God knows where it might lead.
Oh, God... it's my childhood Christmases all over again. Only now Mom isn't here to say, "Shut up, you'll hurt his feelings."
Yeah, well I hope it can say "Geronimo" because I'm going to throw him off the balcony!
God, I suppose you're right, Dad. I used to love this stuff when I was six. By the time I was seven I started to have questions. When I was eight I started spending a lot more time at the Bernsteins.
I see you've been busy in the kitchen.
Merry Christmas.
You must be kidding, Dad. My God, this place couldn't look any more ludicrous.
Niles.
So, Niles, did you have a discussion with Maris?
I think Santa's said it all for us.
Of course you may, Niles. Just have to wrap up his presents first.
Well actually dad, I ordered him the toy catalogue, from the special section called "Gifts for the Gifted." I got him the junior astronomy set, and the geology lab - oh, and a fabulous thing called the "Living Brain." You get to paint each lobe a different colour, then you stuff it inside the Living Skull.
Listen Dad, I think I know what Frederick likes. He's precocious, he needs to be challenged.
Dad, I'm sorry, if Frederick's anything like me, the kind of toys he'll like to play with are... A kitchen set, a dollhouse and three kinds of Barbies! This is for a Franklin Crane from Kenibunkport. God, you realise what this means?!
No. It means I don't have anything for Freddie. God, I wanted everything to be so perfect. Now he's going to have a horrible Christmas.
Well, that's easy for you to say, Dad.
My God, it's Christmas Eve, the gifts I ordered are three thousand miles away, my son is due in an hour, and on top of it all I have to go to a mall!
Niles, customers are marauding through here like a pack feral dogs. Did you see that woman? She practically knocked me over on her way to the escalator.
That was a cologne sample, Niles. That's what they do. Now listen, we've got five minutes. We've got to find a sales clerk.
All right, we'd better find something ourselves, I guess.
Niles, may I remind you we're looking for something educational?
It's flashing. Niles, please remember that Freddie tested in the highest percentile for cognitive skills and deductive reasoning.
It's beeping, for God's sake! And as much as I'd like to inflict this on Lilith, I'm looking for fast and educational, all right?
Let's see if it protects your head!
Oh, God.
Oh well, that sounds vaguely scientific, but what could he possibly learn from that?
Let's see, I'll just have to remember what I ordered from the catalogue and look for that. First, the "Living Brain."
With any luck, the kind of dork who'll be operating on your prostate someday.
Oh, marvelous.
The brain is dusty. Could there be a clearer metaphor? Oh, Lord. There's nothing in it.
It's an empty box, Ma'am.
Oh God, this is hopeless. We'll never find anything for Frederick.
But Niles, you can't give a cheque to a child.
Niles, Maris cancelled your account.
Oh, look. Look at that man's bag. "Young Minds." Sir, excuse me, is this store in the mall?
And it's educational toys?
Yes! Petunia, there is a Santa Claus.
Damn. Look, this is perfect, look a chemistry lab, and a picture puzzle and... You know, my son comes in, in half an hour and I've absolutely nothing for him.
Oh, you have no idea, it would save my life.
Oh, God bless you, sir.
What?! A thousand bucks?
Well, I mean, there's just no more than a hundred dollars worth of things here.
Well, it's some favour.
Shut up, Niles! All right, all right, lets see what I've got here. All right, I've got, ahh... Here's three hundred dollars. Would you- would you accept a personal cheque for the rest?
Oh, bless you, bless you so much. Very well, thank you. Niles, give the man a cheque.
Putting on his pajamas. Told me he would come in and say goodnight after he brushes his teeth.
Well, I didn't get exactly what I'd ordered, but I think I did all right. I got him a microscope, a chemistry set, and a five thousand piece puzzle of the Great Wall of China.
Oh, yes. Inspired some spectacular Christmas nightmares the year I found them under your bed.
Dad, these are all of the gifts I've given you for the last six years.
Dad, look at this. My God, they're still in the original boxes, never been worn.
Oh, yeah. This one still has the tags on it.
No, Dad? Well, what was it you wanted to say?
Well, no. I thought you might like a change.
I think I know what's good for my own son.
Well, this is turning out to be quite a Christmas.
Done it again. Gotten everyone the wrong gifts. What is it about me? Well, here, you might as well open your gift now. No reason for everyone to be disappointed tomorrow.
I doubt it. Not exactly my night.
No, you don't. It's not a robe, it's a dressing gown. Noel Coward would love it, but it's not you.
Dad, you're overcompensating.
Yeah. Guess it was easier when I was small. 'Cause kids always know what they want, don't they?
Oh, Dad...
How did you know? It's jut what I always wanted: My very own Outlaw Laser Robo Geek.
Oh, Dad - oh, oh, listen, are the batteries included?
Oh, Dad!
Niles, what are you doing?
You know, if you and Maris ever reconcile, I'm gonna miss these tranquil mornings - I reading my newspaper, you tweezing your muffin!
Oh, good for you. Speaking of old chums, Daphne, a Clive called for you a little earlier.
Mmm-hmm.
No, he was one of those fiery Mexican Clives! He said he'd call back.
Well, by my count, two of us get to be lucky!
Oh, please let that be Megan needing a clown for her party!
An ex-boyfriend?
Well, be honest, tell him what you feel.
No, it's the best way to avoid unnecessary anguish. Case in point: Dad, I do not have plans for next weekend, but I don't intend to spend it with Budweiser and Boilermaker and their liver-damaged friend, Seltzer!
See? No evasions, no inconvenient conferences, just simple honesty!
Off to work!
All right, I'll drive you to your stupid reunion!
And in closing, this goes out to Keith, the narcoleptic I spoke to a bit earlier. I'd be glad to resume when you feel a bit more alert, but in the meantime I suggest you reconsider applying for that air traffic control position. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL, 780 AM.
What do you want?
Well, I'm sorry, I can't!
Well, you see, she already invited me, and I told her I promised my father I'd drive him to his army reunion at Rattlesnake Ridge.
Er, Roz, listen, I'm going to the opera tonight. You didn't happen to remember to bring my...
I wouldn't really mind, if you hadn't borrowed them to ogle that bodybuilder that moved in across the street.
Look, I want them back. I refuse to squint through Pagliacci while you're trying to watch The Magic Flute!
Well, short of a cactus corsage, I think you've captured it. You know, Daphne, it's been five years. It's an awfully long time to carry a torch. Maybe he just wants to say hello.
No.
Just answer the door!
I'm sure Daphne doesn't want us horning in on her reunion. We're going to dinner!
I'm getting my jacket!
Niles, for God's sake, will you give them some privacy?
Oh hello, you must be Clive.
Dr. Frasier Crane.
Yes. You met Niles?
Really, you know his wife?
Isn't she?
Oh yes, usually by leaving it!
Yes, me too. You know, Daphne, I'm parched, could you show me again where we keep the wine?
I told you to be honest! But would you listen? No! Now instead you subject us to this ridiculous charade.
What?!
Psst!
Daphne, you don't expect me to endure an entire evening of this nonsense!
Anything?
Oh, Clive!
Lasagna all right for dinner?
Nothing can go wrong. We just have to stick to our stories and avoid any complications.
Dad!
Or, as we sometimes say in this country, Father-in-law.
Niles!
Now go away!
Clive is Daphne's old boyfriend; she's trying to let him down easily, by pretending to be married to Niles.
Yes, of course you do, but I think for this evening it would be best if you just excused yourself. You see, it involves quick thinking and improvisational skills, and a knack for remembering details.
Yes.
Wh-Who is it?
Darling!
You're Maris!
We're married!
Just play along!
Maris Crane, this is Mr. Clive Roddy.
Uh, Cupcake? Well, if you'll excuse me, we could do with a moment alone. Come with me, darling.
Well, bad news, it seems my Maris has to run off, she's got a previous engagement.
Well, actually...
Don't forget your warm glass of Tang.
Well, who's for coffee?
Oh, you're one to talk. If you batted your eyelashes any harder, you'd blow out the candles!
You wouldn't!
Maris, I don't know about you, but I'm exhausted!
Have you all taken leave of your senses?
Well, forgive me for keeping track!
Hi, coffee?
No, the truth is we've been lying to you all night!
Glad you came back with us. I hope you had a good time. Well, I can’t tell you how much fun this has been. Listen, now that you know the way don’t be a stranger. OK. Good night! Who the hell was that?
Well, that’s the last time I say, "everybody back to my place!"
No, not at all. Who are you calling? It’s practically midnight.
You know, Roz raises a very interesting philosophical question...
Is it always morally wrong to lie? We are taught that it is. Though obviously there are certain occasions when a lie would be acceptable.
You know, Lilith actually told me the other day that Frederick has taken to lying. Yes, he told all of his friends that Lilith is an alien.
He also told them that she wears her hair in a bun to hide the third eye in the back of her head.
Well, apparently she was driving him and Toby to a Junior Mensa meeting, she looked in the rearview mirror and saw that they were making faces at the other cars. So, never have the words "I can see you!" caused so much screaming and wetting of pants!
...that we lit a match underneath the fire alarm and all the sprinklers went off.
Yes.
What’s wrong?
Well, of course we weren’t going to tell you.
Expelled? If we’d have known that was going to happen we would have told the truth.
You’re right. He used to make the most merciless fun of me, about how I always wore my gym shorts in the shower. He used to call me "Shorts In The Shower Boy." You don’t have to be witty to be cruel.
Well, I guess that brings an end to our little debate. Apparently there are no good lies.
Oh, good morning, Niles... Oh dear God – it’s finally happened. This is the thanks I get for introducing you to my personal shopper. I gave her specific instructions to write down every article of clothing that I had purchased so we could avoid this sort of calamity!
Oh please.
Sit down! There’s something I need to talk to you about. I doubt most people are as tuned to these things as you and I are. I’m sure they won’t even notice.
John.
Well, fine. And you?
Well, I don’t know if you get the alumni magazine, but I became a psychiatrist, and I’m currently conducting a study on men behind bars and how they got there... That’s an awfully nasty bruise on your knuckles.
Ah, er... ah, he’s abroad now.
No, no, I mean, er... yes, I suppose it did! Well anyway, it would be an enormous help in my study if you could perhaps pinpoint the moment or event in your life that led you to here.
Ah.
Well, that was quick and painless. We’ve identified the point where you fell off the beam.
And that was your first infraction?
Well then, case closed, mystery solved. A young man yields to the lure of a bright and shiny car. Is there anything more tragic?
Apparently there is.
You did say high school, not prep school?
Yes well, perhaps we could continue our backward journey through...
Let’s discuss your early childhood.
I think I have all the information I need now.
Well, that’s all right, John. Thank you for your time.
No, no, John. There’s just one more thing. One second, please. There’s something I need to tell you about, something that I did in school that I’m not very proud of...
Er... well, I, er... I peeked over your shoulder once during an algebra quiz.
Evening, Daphne.
Horribly! The man is convinced that getting thrown out prep school was the beginning of his life of crime.
No. I sort of connected the dots for him!
I intended to, but I became convinced that the man would be willing to perform unspeakable atrocities on the responsible party or parties.
I told him you were an ex-something. You know, I just feel so guilty. I have done this man a terrible injustice.
That was sweets, not Swedes!
You know, perhaps I just have an overactive conscience. It’s not enough that I help other people, I want to help this man.
You know, Dad, Daphne gave me a thought. I’m a skilled couples' therapist. John did mention that he was having marital problems...
No, no, Dad. This is perfect, this is perfect. I may have ruined the last 25 years of this man’s life but with my gift I could save the next 25. Yes, a listing for a John Rajeski, please.
Dad, just relax, please – I know what I’m doing. Mrs. Rajeski? Hello, you don’t know me but I’m...
Why - well, that’s remarkable. Yes, I am a friend of your husband’s!
Mrs. Rajeski?
May I?
Thank you. Let me cut right to the chase. John told me that you two were going through a bit of a rough patch and I was wondering if there was anything I could do to help?
Well, I'll tell you what. Just pretend I’m on my radio show, and now you’re just another caller.
Ah.
Dangerous?
Sorry.
Well, that’s not so dangerous.
Oh. And you’ve never had an accident?
So how long have you had this particular kink?
Oh, Dear God! He’s out of jail, isn’t he?
He’ll kill us!
ARE YOU CRAZY?! He doesn’t even let people touch his comb!
You might like to put your dress back on, straighten up before he gets home.
You only have time for one – I suggest the dress. Where’s the bedroom?
Listen, you’ve got to get him out of here.
Has Eddie been licking you?
Yes, yes, I thought your perfume had a hint of sausage in it.
Well, antiquing actually. I just found the most exquisite Japanese door knocker, it's said to bring peace and tranquility to any home it adorns.
Guy?
Guy?
Oh, what's the difference?! Also, heavens, I can install a simple door knocker on my own.
That's exactly what I was about to get.
Dad, that is a Byelorussian samovar! My God, how long have you lived here?!
Oh, Daphne, you know, apparently this morning when you were dusting, you forgot this object does not face front but rather askew.
Daphne, would you bring me the hammer?
Well, I do, I just want to be prepared for when that froggy lamp gets here.
I think they have the same rules at the "Playboy Mansion."
Oh, it's on, that's fast. Huh, that's not so hard. You know, tomorrow morning I think I may just have to attack that leaking sink in the powder room.
Ah! The inaugural knock.
Oh, what's this? "Your unauthorised door knocker violates the condo by-laws regarding hallway decoration. Remove it immediately."
Yes, well, Daphne, nobody hates a bossy fussbudget more than I do but... Daphne, askew, askew! But, rules are there for reason. I was obviously at fault for not getting approval before I hung it up there.
Oh, perfect. We live in a democratic system and I will work within it. I'm sure I can persuade them with my charm and eloquence.
Oh, pish-tosh! It's not as though I'll be addressing the Supreme Court, I'll simply be talking to the board!
Excuse me, I'm not too late, am I? I was hoping to make a statement.
Good, good. I have a matter of some importance.
Oh, well, thank you. Why are you here?
Oh, well, er, perhaps you should go first.
Well, yes, I'm sorry, Ms. Langer. I was just inquiring as to whether I was too late to raise some new business.
I'll be quick. Ah, earlier today, I installed a new door knocker without your permission. Now, I'd like to say in my defense that my over- eagerness was not out of disrespect but rather enthusiasum for the door knocker, which I'm sure you will agree is really quite beautiful. I understand the rule exists to prohibit people from putting eyesores in public places, but I ask you, should it apply to something as beautiful as this? Here, if you will please. Something, which only serves to elevate our spirits. Let's just say somebody passes by my door, sees the knocker and suddenly feels just a little bit better without even knowing why. That same person passes a perfect stranger and smiles - who in turn... reaches down and picks up, perhaps, a piece of trash; plants a garden, volunteers at a soup kitchen? Like little ripples on a still pond, the happiness spreads. What I'm asking to do, think of this not simply as an ornament but rather an opportunity, dare I say it, of knocking on the door of a new, more civilised world. Thank you.
Of course.
I appreciate your...
But there has been no discussion, it hasn't even been opened up to the floor.
Forget it! I came down here expecting a fair hearing in the democratic tradition, but here you are: a tyrant more concerned with the exercise of power than with justice! Well, I will leave now taking solace in the certain knowledge that in time, you, Ms. Langer, will join all tyrants on the ash-heap of history!
I'm not here.
You know, I'll just get those later.
Yes. Who's there?
Why can't I see you?
Without much success.
It's very nice.
Well, I'm very flattered, but you see...
Of bad water pressure?
Well, that may be, but, er...
All right, but why can't I see who you are?
That would work better without the vanity plates, Dr. Dorfman!
Oh, hello, Niles. You know, Niles, the most extraordinary thing just happened to me down at the garage.
Yes, as far as I know.
Why? Is something wrong?
You mean they were...
Oh! What did you do?
Oh Niles, you simply have to diffuse the entire subject with simple, adult conversation. I don't want to re-create what happened to Maris and me after the cabin incident when I walked in on her taking a shower. Oh God, months of avoidance and awkwardness.
Oh, don't fret, Niles, it was really nothing more than a fleeting glance in a very steamy bathroom. More like glimpsing a birch sapling through a thick fog.
Well, I'd say we hit about the same level on the "Yikes!" meter!
Oh Roz, you're here.
I was detained.
Roz, the most extraordinary thing happened. I was down at the parking garage, when suddenly I was blinded by a set headlights. A mysterious man crept from the shadows and told me I should run for condo board president.
No. This really happened.
Are you forgetting I served two terms back in high school as grand panem tandrum of the vocabulary club!
Have you served on a condo board?
God, I'm sorry, Daphne, I'm afraid this is my fault. Ms. Langer's simply retaliated against me. You see, last night I rather humiliated her in a dazzling display of rhetoric!
You know, this building has a grapevine Ernest & Julio Gallo would envy! You know, perhaps I should run against Ms. Langer. God knows, she's ripe for a good comeuppance!
What an appalling expression of apathy. What kind of a world do you think this would be if everyone thought the way you two do?
And look at the kind of world it is! Corruption in high places, illiterates unconcerned with the real issues because they are too consumed with the same selfish pleasures!
It's mine, put it back! Where will this all lead? The point is, if you're not willing to get involved then you have no right to grumble when things don't go your way.
Oh, that's it, I am running for condo board president. The time comes in every man's life when he must meet face to face with a challenge, rather than skitter away like a coward.
Too bad, it explains so much. What is this? Another one?
Yes, but we don't want to jinx it, Daphne. I must say, I think my chances are very good after this epistle I found this morning on my windshield. It's from the Resistance!
Yes, well, now you see why they need me. With this lead aside, I still wish I had a punchier opening for this speech I wrote this morning. Well, I'm running out of time. Unless, yes... I think Ms. Langer may have given me the very ammunition I need for my opening salvo. We'll just see how the voters feel about a woman who tries to persecute a disabled ex-policeman and his loyal old dog.
Of course! Well, pending my approval.
Hello, condo owners. I'm sorry my opponent has chosen to be vindictive about my family, but that is merely characteristic of her behaviour during her entire term in office. How else would one explain this? This citation my father received last night is a perfect example of the prejudice that this woman is capable of.
Ashamed? Not at all! I defend his behaviour! So he had his little friend out where he shouldn't be. So what? He's been doing it for years!
Approve? I applaud it! Have you no compassion? My father is getting older, hasn't many pleasures left in life. I can't tell you the hours of joy that that little guy has brought him! And not just him. Who among us can't help but break into a smile upon seeing the little fella? Oh, I know, you know, sometimes it is irksome when his little Eddie appears at any inopportune moments, but...
Well, "Eddie"'s, of course, not a name I might have chose. I might have gone with something a bit more - oh, I don't know, whimsical like, er, oh... Puck!
You know, the clodsom sprite from Shakespeare's "A Midsummer Night's Dream." Don't look so shocked! Whom does it really harm if he unleashes Eddie once in a while? Come on, it's not as though he's alone in this beheviour. Mrs. Tortwurst, I've seen you do the same thing many times with your Fluffy. You know, if you ask me, not only is this behaviour harmless, it's laudable. Why, you should see the looks on the faces of the schoolchildren when he takes Eddie out to the playground.
On the other hand... we all need rules. Go! Go! Go!
Oh, and sorry about the knocker.
Roz? None of these lights seem to be flashing.
Well, who's our first caller?
Well, how much time do we have?
Hello Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. Well, I have some good news for you. As today is the first sunny day we've had in a few weeks, it seems that all our lines are open. So please call in, no waiting. Absolutely no waiting! Oh come on, somebody's marriage must be on the skids. Somebody's career must be going badly, other than mine! Hey, how about all you agoraphobics, I know you're not outside! Oh, there's a call! I'll take it, I'll take it. Hello, I'm listening.
Well, Alice, as today seems to be a bit slow I think I have a story I can tell you that might be of some help. Do you have some time?
Perfect! Well, it started three days ago. You see, my father was very concerned about his little dog, Eddie. So, he had to take him to the vet...
Welcome news to Mrs. Frobisher in 13-B.
Only if the question is, "What is the most asinine thing we could possibly do?"
Stop right there, Dad! We're not getting another dog.
I fell for that trick once, Dad!
Dr. Kagen.
Oh, not at all. I don't even know who she is.
Yes, Dr. Kagen moved into my building about three months ago - from Chicago, I believe?
Well, Roz is an excellent tour guide.
Oh, I think that can be arranged.
Dr. Kagen.
A gynecologist.
What's the matter?
I have a general idea!
Oh, anyway, that's really more of a side trip. Getting back to our story - by the time I got home that day, alas, for Eddie was no better.
Dad.
What are you doing?
No, I can't say that I have.
Dad, please. Don't call it that in front of him. He has no idea.
Do you honestly believe he can understand a word you're saying?
Oh really, Dad!
...anything other than the simple fact of his name or a grunt!
Dad, you can't be serious?
Honestly, Dad, they are the very definition of charlatanism!
Precisely. Animals operate out of instinct, whereas human beings can reason.
They can cogitate.
Thank you for staying with us through the first commercial break. We're talking to Alice, who has a case of the blues today. In order to help her through it I am relating a story from my own life. Any questions so far, Alice?
Roz!
Roz, we are trying to help this woman. We don't have time for your pointless tangents. Anyway, my father finally got his way and made his appointment for the dog psychiatrist, who insisted that the entire household be present for the first session.
Perhaps he's being detained by his fear of fetching group.
I don't suppose whether my father told you, but my brother and I happen to be psychiatrists.
It's a joke.
Give a dog an hour, you can bill him for seven!
I apologise, it all just seems a bit silly.
Oh, boy!
Well, I hope: Give me a breath mint! I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Right, next one.
Cologne? Well, actually I think he would prefer toilet water!
Well, I'm sorry but I don't see the point. What is any this telling you about Eddie?
And yet she's never been committed. I don't know why!
Okay, I'll say it. What the hell have they been doing in there for the past hour?
Oh yes, you must remind me to sit beside him at his next dinner party.
Finally: the white smoke!
Not me.
Oh my God, Roz, what's happened?
A gynecologist.
All right, Roz, what happened?
Apparently he was an avid collector of antique gynecological equipment.
I just got the signal from Roz that we're running out of time. So, I'll skip ahead in our story.
If you ask me, the man's theory's a whole lot of hooey! Who here has any reason to be unhappy?
You know, I hate to say it, but dad, if anyone's giving off unhappiness, I'm afraid it's you.
Yes.
And yet you did. Well, maybe I am not entirely happy. Why should I be? My son lives across the country, there's no woman in my life. Maybe it is I that is making Eddie sad?
How loosely woven is the fabric of our unhappiness... a tug or two and it unravels to reveal how empty our everyday lives really are.
Everybody thinks about it.
No, that's just you.
Well, you know, we can talk about it, we can think about it, but nobody really knows how or when.
Darkness, nothingness, afterlife?
"I have seen the eternal footman hold my coat and snicker."
Dead.
Plato.
You know, perhaps Doctor Shaw was right. Perhaps we are the cause of Eddie's depression.
Simple beast! It is here beneath the masks of happiness we all wear.
The sea that lurks below affected by our sorrows. The once care-free doggy world has been shattered, perhaps forever.
I guess Dr. Shaw was wrong after all. He wasn't taking his cue from us, was he?
I'm afraid we're a bit more complex than that, Daphne. We know for whom the bell tolls!
Daphne, by "biscuits" do you mean cookies?
Oh, and I believe there's ice cream too!
So Alice, even the happiest of us can find reasons to be unhappy if only we look for them. So don't look for them. Take a tip from our dog friends - treat yourself to your favourite toy, whatever that might be.
This is Dr. Frasier Crane, reminding everyone that life is too short to dwell on every bump in the road. Try to take pleasure in the simple things. In short, eat a cookie!
Oh, walnut, I broke a tooth! Now I've got to go to the dentist, he'll tell me I haven't flossed, my lips are going to get all fat - oh, my life sucks!
Well, listeners, flu season is upon us again. As is customary, KACL is offering its employees and their families free flu shots. Now, in order to show the importance of getting a flu shot, I am going to put aside my lifelong fear of needles and be inoculated right here over the air when we come back.
Well, Dr. Claman is on his way, dad.
Oh, not really, no. I just say that to encourage people that really are.
Nice to know that men in bars still settle their disputes the old fashioned way, isn't it?
Oh, Dr. Claman.
Oh...
Where are my manners? Perhaps you should be inoculated first.
All right, folks, we're back. Em, joining us for this last minute of our show is Dr. Morris Claman who's going to give me my flu shot. Uh, but, you know, what's the rush? Perhaps we'd be interested in finding out what strains of flu you've isolated this year.
And how do you suppose they travelled here?
Could it have been a careless tourist? A baggage handler? A tainted wok?
Yes, yes.
Really? Well, that didn't hurt at all. The newly immunised Dr. Frasier Crane, signing off.
Roz, Niles was here first.
Dear God! When did you two even get out of my sight?!
Well, Niles, I suppose we could share a table. There's a couple of seats available there.
Why not? We married strange women!
You know, just try to relax. It'll do you good to do something spontaneous for a change.
Oh, Niles, please, when will you get rid of that tired old excuse - your off again/off again relationship with Maris?
Hello, ladies, excuse me, would you mind terribly if we joined you until another table opens us?
Oh, thank you so much, that's very kind. I'm Frasier and... and this gentleman dusting for fingerprints is my brother, Niles.
So... what do you two ladies do?
Oh, come on, come on. We're not your average bozos off the street. Why don't you try us?
On the contrary! I am always ready to debate the merits downdraft cook tops and ceramic tile backsplashes.
You know, I think the key to a good kitchen is comfort.
Oh look, Niles, a table has opened up.
Well, yes, it is fun, isn't it, Niles?
Well, I'll go get us some coffees.
I knew you'd panic!
You know, they are very attractive, Niles.
Maybe we should ask them out?
Good point, Niles! Perhaps we should go out with them a few more times before we ask them on a date!
Well, that's exactly why we should do it. We're being spontaneous today. Come on.
Hmm?
Good Lord, I hadn't thought of that.
Good! Good, we really dodged the bullet there. Which one's Beth?
Great!
Here we are.
Well, it's just a little something I threw together. You know, an objet here, an antique there.
Dad.
I used to think so!
Well, thank you, dad, but Laura and I have plans to go to the symphony.
Yes, fortunately my taste has improved a lot since then.
Hmm, velvety texture, great body... I'm not.
Perhaps you should have left a trail of breadcrumbs before you started down that toast!
Maybe that... I have a thought. In the spirit of spontaneity that has carried us this far - why don't we postpone our plans are all go to the cabin together this weekend?
Well, then, it's settled. Saturday morning we ride the high country!
There's really nothing special about it.
What's going on?!
Niles! When you are going to stop letting Maris be an anchor on your social life?
Even if she's lightweight... For God's sake, oh would you just stop it, you're changing the subject! This afternoon, for the first time in your life, a perfectly lovely woman that you don't even know has agreed to go away with you on a weekend. Isn't that exactly the kind of scenario you've always dreamed of?
And if you pass it up, won't you regret it?
Well then, for once in your timid, risk-free life, don't you think it's time you grabbed for that brass ring?
Ah, here we are.
I hope you don't mind roughing it. There's no radio or television.
Well, I think things are going rather well, don't you?
You feel like a new man, don't you?
Well Niles, you don't need a decoder ring to understand the phrase, "Make our own entertainment"!
Then again, there was that other statement about sleeping like a baby.
The two of us in another, crying like babies.
That's the worst thing we could do! What if they're not interested? They'll be embarrassed and it'll ruin the entire weekend.
You've done this before!
Niles, this is idiotic! We're both trained psychiatrists.
Well, that's awfully nice of you. Speaking awkwardness... er, did you know....
Are you as crazed by this as I am?
Oh, all right! I'm going to settle this once and for all. Now, just follow my lead.
Yes, now that is lovely, isn't it?
Niles, this is tearing me apart!
Yes, they've got us into some most veiled, cloaked, cryptic messages. Can't they just give us one clear signal?!
Niles!
Yes, go!
Sleep well.
Niles, what are you doing?
What is this, some sort of weird, kinky foreplay?!
Now?!
Oh, fine, fine. I think you might look back on this one day as your darkest hour. But, do what you want to.
Yes?
Ah! Well then, off you go!
What?!
Er, nothing, just a second, it's Niles. I'll be a moment. Why do you care?
Okay, Niles, so what do you want to do? Do you want to stew over that all night - let her have all the fun?
Well, then - Off you go!
Yes!!
I'll just be a second.
Yes! Your ex-wife is ruining my sex life! Give me that!
I'm just going to say this one last time. This weekend is not about thinking, it's about doing. Doing something that the Crane boys haven't done for a very, very long time! For once in our miserable, sex-starved lives, can't we do something pleasurable without thinking it to death?!
Don't think about today, don't think about what's right! Don't even think of them as Laura and Beth! For tonight they are just two live, breathing, available female bodies who want us!
Oh, I think I could hit it again!
Well, I don't feel smart. I let Roz set me up another one of her blind dates.
Oh, a friend from her aerobics class. Oh, perhaps it won't be so bad. She's thirty-two, has a terrific body, and apparently thinks I'm God's gift to broadcasting.
Dad, when are you going to stop blighting the environment with this atrocity? My God, can't you see that it wants to die? Let it go!
Dad, that will never happen.
I have medical power of attorney, it won't cost me a thing.
You don't mean?
Niles, why would you want to live in such a stodgy building? When I applied there they treated me as if I was riff-raff.
Oh, just relax, dad. It's just her way of angling for more vacation time.
Well, they'd still have to call me for a reference. Either way, she's not going anywhere.
You know, I'm going to go out on a limb here. The Montana doesn't accept pets, does it?
There is no way that dog is moving in here with us!
Oh pul-eeze, you must realise that dog has no genuine affection for you. You only pretend that she does because she's a canine substitute for Maris!
She is highly strung, cold to the touch and ignores you. My God, stand her upright, take ten pounds off her, put her in a Chanel suit, whatcha got?
Oh, is it really? Do you remember that little pilbox hat that Maris wore to the the Duchamps' wedding?
She didn't quite take to me.
You tell me. Over appetizers, she suddenly remembered that she had a very early morning meeting, so she suggested we skip the jazz club after dinner.
Mmm-hmm. When the waiter suggested a soufflé for desert that would take an extra thirty minutes she said, "Oh Dear God, no!"
After I dropped her off at home, I noticed she had left her suede jacked in my car. I called to offer to swing it by and she said, and I quote, "Just keep it."
Nothing! God Roz, I have had it. In the past six months I have done everything a man can possibly do to meet a woman. Singles bars, blind dates, lecture series at the museum. I've even spent hours in the grocery store trying to look helpless in the produce department! That's it. I'm taking myself off the market. Frasier Crane has thumped his last melon.
Roz, Roz, please. I know what you're going to say. I should climb back on that horse, I'm too great a catch to give up now.
What? I don't really want to give up. I don't really want to give up, I was just saying that to get your sympathy.
Smell it?
I don't do that!
Well Roz, as much as I appreciate you comparing me to a dead squirrel in a heating duct, I think you're wrong.
You know, Niles, this precious little building of yours isn't as exclusive as you think. Your doorman waved me right through.
Oh, fan of my show?
You bought a bird?
It is attractive, though.
You know Daphne, I think we should leave these two alone. I sense a real battle of wits shaping up.
But Niles, everyone gets bills.
Niles, if you keep this up you won't even have the people who don't care you don't have people.
Am I invited?
It's alright. I've taken myself off the dating circuit. I'm afraid I was getting a bit desperate.
Roz was right! As soon as I stop looking for the perfect woman, she falls right in my lap!
Oh, good evening, Niles. Or should I say, "avast ye, matey!"
Place cards, how elegant. Who is Peter Soutendeck?
Oh, damn. There goes my opening joke about the Dutchman trying to install Windows '95. Stephanie's over here, I'm not sitting next to her.
Putting Stephanie next to me!
Niles, surely you realise I've spent a long time looking for a woman like Stephanie.
Now, listen. I'm afraid if you want to impress these people you've got to get a little more atmosphere here in the room. You know, I'll light the fire while you dim the lights a bit.
Niles, after that jaunty beret you wore to brunch last Sunday, you can pull anything off.
Oh here, the phone.
Niles, call for help!
Niles, don't panic! Try to stay calm.
You go call the vet and I'll go and take care of things out here.
Hello, please do come in. I'm Frasier Crane, Niles's brother.
Nice to meet you. Please make yourself comfortable, I'm just going to run into the kitchen and check on the bird.
What did he say?
Fine, you take care of that, I've got the future Mrs. Crane out there in the other room.
I don't know. Oh, try delivering that keynote you gave at the psychiatric association last spring.
Everything alright out here?
Oh yes, I believe so, any minute now.
I keep telling him, get yourself a decent oven mitt, but you know...
Hello, please come in. I'm Frasier, Niles's brother.
Really?
He's in the kitchen, savoring for you tonight a lovely pheasant.
As you know, he's a stickler for freshness!
Oh, what now?
Well, you look very cute.
Listen Niles, I really can't stall them any longer, they're starting to ask questions. The Dutchman's date even knows Maris.
Elaine somebody.
I don't know, she's very thin, she's exquisitely dressed, and dripping with attitude.
Bon Appetite! Crab puff, anyone? Bon Appetite!
At which point, the woman said to Churchill, "Sir, if you were my husband I would put poison in your coffee." To which Churchill sorely replied, "Madame, if you were my wife I'd drink it!" Perhaps you've heard that story.
Well, can I freshen anyone's drink?
Perhaps I'll just bring the bottle around.
You are totally ruining my chances with Stephanie!
The first thing you've got to do is go to the vet and have that thing removed!
You can't spend the night in the kitchen!
You know, I've spent the last forty-five minutes with these people. I think they are kind and understanding, I think they'll be very sympathetic with your problem.
Yes.
No, I don't. And furthermore, if you stay in here they'll think you're rude, bad-mannered, and - dare I say it - a bad host.
Everyone? Excuse me, Niles has had a little mishap, he will have to go to the doctor. It's nothing serious, he just has to have something removed. Niles!
You see, his bird suffered a kind of trauma and has attached itself to the scalp and we just...
Well... thank you very much!
Really? That was one of the most promising romantic prospects I've had in years! What have you lost? The respect of a parched lush and a Dutch letch! Thanks for learning that, Baby!
Thank you. I suppose I could drive you to the vet now. Maybe we should take the service elevator?
I wouldn't be so sure about that. Wearing a white bird after Labor day!
Oh, congratulations.
So?
Yes, well Niles, there are all sorts of different women in the world. Perhaps if you tiptoed beyond the fringes of your precious circle, cast a wider net...
Not that wide.
My God, it is!
Roz! What on earth are you doing here?
Oh, yes. Thank you, Niles. All right.
What? What do you mean, "Let's go"? I can't do that, I don't even know why you're here.
Well, at least look on the bright side. You're outdoors, you can enjoy nature, you're beautifying our highways...
Are there no other services you could have performed?
And you chose this?
Roz, have you considered that your discomfort around the elderly may stem from your own fear of growing old?
What?
I can't. It might be illegal.
Absolutely not!
Off we go.
Oh, well Dad. Doing your exercises. Very good.
Well, it's more than Lilith could accomplish after five years of marriage.
Well, you know Daphne, I must say there are some times I envy you. Here you go, Niles.
You know, I'm just saying it's always gratifying to see some reward for your efforts. Lately, that's something I've been lacking in my own work.
Oh, well you know, back in private practice I could spend months, even years with a patient, see the fruits of my labor. Now, somebody calls in, I give my advice, and never know how things work out. I simply release my humble words into the airwaves and then they're gone forever, vanished.
So you know my pain! Well, I'm not really dissatisfied, it's just that... well, Daphne, you know, you get to see your progress with Dad; Niles, you have the upcoming marriage your commitment phobics...
How?
If I remember rightly, I said, "Well, why don't you give him some of my truffle foie gras?"
I was being funny.
Excuse me, Bulldog?
Listen, have you seen Roz? She's late. My show goes on in thirty seconds.
That's a little extreme, don't you think?
Not if you skipped it to me over a pool of disinfectant.
Hello, Seattle. Good afternoon, this is Dr Frasier Crane. You know, today we're going to do things just a little bit different. For the past four years now I've been taking your calls and giving advice, and I was thinking, perhaps our listeners are wondering how things have turned out. I know I do. So today I invite those of you who've called in in the past to give us a holler, and we can catch up on how things have worked out for you. All our lines are open...
Come on. Come on, you know the number. Ah, there we are. Hello, this is Dr Frasier Crane. How did I help you?
Ah, ah, I see. And did my advice help you to become more assertive?
Well, perhaps you took my advice just a bit too far.
Well, as I give myself a well-deserved pat on the back, and Chet marches off to invade Poland, let's just go to commercial. Well Roz, glad you could join us.
Ooh, lot better than spearing trash, isn't it?
Oh, dear. I think I see where this story is headed.
Roz, I am so sorry. I, I can see how you could be very traumatized by this... Hi, we're back. That was a very catchy commercial, wasn't it? Let's get back to it. Roz, listen. You can't be too upset about this. Now given the circumstances, his age and his surroundings, surely this thing was sort of expected.
Bulldog...
Bulldog, Roz was playing checkers with an elderly gentleman and he died.
Roz, Roz, surely you realise what happened today at the retirement home was an aberration.
Now Roz, listen. If you're ever going to conquer your fear of aging you've got to get back down there and spend some time with these people. You'll learn that they're really vital human beings.
All right then, think of it this way: there's been a lot fog on the interstate lately and the caribou are migrating.
Oh, good. That should up his price when I sell him to the carnival.
Did you finally find a date?
I think Daphne speaks for us all. Just how the hell did this happen?
Oh, yes. Legendary smorgaphobia.
Oh, dear.
What? What happened?
Oh. Dad, Roz has been doing some community service down at a retirement home. Apparently, for the second time this week one of her charges has died.
Well as you know, this isn't your fault.
You have a cat. Oh. I'm so sorry.
Now listen, Roz. There's no way that you can feel guilty about this. I mean, those men were going to die anyway. If anything, you gave them some much-welcomed companionship in their final moments.
Roz, we have discussed this. This is going to be your breakthrough day.
You're just overreacting. There is no way they think you're the Angel of Death.
No. Roz, this is not like you. The Roz I know is not a quitter, she's a fighter.
Oh come on, that's just celebrities. C'mon.
Good afternoon. How do you do?
Yes.
Yes. Have we met?
Well ah, it's my pleasure.
Oh no. I'm just here with a friend of mine, Roz. She's here doing some community service.
So you started keeping pictures of her?
Well, no. Well, what did you do?
Oh yes.
You've no idea how nice it is to hear that.
Thank you.
Nothing! Nothing, ahh, I just knocked your ashtray over.
Oh no, it's intact. Not the tiniest chip.
Yes.
I was just ah, tying my shoelace. Yes, yes I have a son. I'd much rather hear about your family.
As a matter of fact, I am.
What a lovely nose it is.
Uh-huh. Ah, listen, you got any glue around here?
Ah, the onyx has popped out of my cufflink and ahh, I was just hoping I might be able to re-affix it.
Oh good, good. It's worth a try.
Yes. Yes, you know I think this just might do the trick.
You know, perhaps we should take a brisk walk. Get that old circulation going!
Seems like you have a visitor, Norman.
You know, my goodness, that is a smashing robe. You know, I'm in the market for one like it myself. Why don't you stand up, maybe I can read the label.
Ooh! My cufflink! All right, you know, I'll just ahh, place it back in here carefully and... a-ha. Well, there we go. Good as new. Yes well ah, Norman, I can't tell you what a nice time it's been spending the day with you.
My pleasure.
Oh yeah, I was just having one last look at Helen.
They certainly are. Well Norman, it was a real pleasure. I hope you keep listening to my show.
Norman, ah... I have a little confession to make. I didn't... I didn't drop your ashtray, I dropped the mask. The nose broke off. I feel just terrible.
Yes.
Well, certainly is a relief to hear that. Well you know, I better get out of here before I do any further damage. It was great meeting you. Would you like me to leave the light on or off?
My eight year-old son is visiting me this weekend, he asked specifically if I could arrange a tour of the Microsoft complex, I was wondering what's your policy on... I'm sorry to hear that. You know, I don't often trade on my celebrity status, but does the name Frasier Crane mean anything to you? I'm sorry to hear that. Well, erm, you know, it's entirely possible that one day a relative of yours may wish to tour my workplace... It's a radio station! Forget it!
I take it you lost the game.
I'm still trying to understand why you drove to the Gap in the middle of the game!
Oh, Roz, erm, listen, didn't you used to date some executive at Microsoft?
I'd like you to give him a call.
Well, Frederick's coming to visit me this week. The only thing he asked for was a tour of Microsoft, and I sort already, well, promised that I could arrange it for him.
I understand. I thought you'd be more sympathetic, that's all.
I do recall a story you told me not long ago, about a young girl living in Wisconsin who wanted desperately for her mother to drive her to Chicago to see Bobby Sherman open a shopping mall. But her mother was just too busy. And so what did that little girl do that night? She cried herself to sleep on her little Bobby Sherman pillow.
Niles.
Actually he went out with his grandfather for an early morning walk.
Oh, Lord.
And the last!
Niles, refresh my memory. Why are we wearing plastic snouts and a tiny little wading pool around our waists?
Ah! Yes, as I recall nobody got it. We finally had to take to telling that we were "Swine Lake." They didn't get that either. That was a long evening.
Well, we're going to go whale-watching, to the planetarium and Roz is helping me arrange a tour of Microsoft. It's the one thing that Freddie's specifically requested.
Yes, well, you know how it is. I don't get to see him as often as I'd like. Memories of this trip will have to last until the next one. Can you blame me for wanting it to be perfect?
Oh, hello, Freddie.
No. He did tell me how he captured two bank robbers with just a revolver, his partner and a S.W.A.T. team.
Well, actually, Freddie, I thought we'd, er, go by the radio station, I could show you where I work. That'll be fun, won't it?
Well... Saturday.
Yes, you should have seen him last night. He spent the entire evening sitting on Daphne's lap watching TV.
Niles, have you actually sunk so low as to be jealous of him?
And this is the booth where it all happens.
Well, this is the talk-back button here, if I want to talk to Roz, and this is the cough button if I want to mute the mike. Oh, and this button here's very special. It sends a death ray shooting from the phone of any caller who annoys me.
Yes, I do.
Well, okay, Roz, what have we done to ourselves today?
Freddie, I don't believe you've met Bulldog.
Well, all right, Bulldog, er, Roz and I have a show to prepare...
Oh, Roz... Freddie, why don't you talk to Bulldog for a minute, I have to discuss something with Roz.
I don't look forward to telling Frederick. He'll be so disappointed.
Frederick.
You... don't?
Stay out of this. Freddie... Frederick, you know, this is your vacation, you're the boss. Whatever you say goes.
What?!
Well, I... You know, as much as I'd love to play softball, I really don't think that Bulldog wants me to.
Well, thank you, Bulldog.
Well, I don't see how I can refuse.
Oh, yes, well, speaking of Daphne. While you're waiting for Daphne, why don't you go out, get yourself a candy bar out of the machine.
Yes, well, chew on the side of your mouth, rot your baby teeth.
Bulldog, what the hell do you think you're doing, telling him I'm a good softball player?
No, I don't.
Oh, Bulldog, I'm sorry.
I just keep thinking back to that time when Dad made us try Little League. I will never forget the humiliation of getting up to bat for the first time in my life and hearing the other team all cry out, "Move in, everybody. Crane's up!"
Only because the bat flew out of my hands!
Oh, I can live with playing badly in front of my co-workers, it's Frederick I'm worried about. He's still at that age where he thinks his father can do anything.
I know.
I know, I know some day he's going to have to learn that I'm not perfect, it's just that I was hoping it might be something less humiliating like seeing me fast dance at a family wedding.
Well...
Ah, did you two have fun while I was at work?
So you see the problem?
No, that's your problem. The trouble is that I promised Frederick I would play on Saturday. I guess I'm left with only one choice.
No, of course not, I'm going to learn how to play softball.
Well, back in college, when Stu Oberfelt got sick, I learnt the role of Mercutio in just a day and a half. I was brilliant. Fighting in the duelling scene, the audience was on the edge of their seats.
Gee, Dad, I want to thank you for helping me out with this.
It must have been kinda disappointing for you; I never took any interest in this sort of thing as a kid.
I guess it's a little complex I must have developed. When I was growing up, you know, the doorbell'd ring, I'd run to answer it and then there'd be the neighbourhood kids with their baseball gloves and their bats looking for somebody else to join their game. They'd say, "Hey, can your Dad come out and play?"
Oh, at the risk of sounding like Stanley courting Blanche DuBois in "Streetcar...", "We've had this date with each other from the very beginning."
I'm sorry.
Dad, gee, it's kinda tight.
What is that, a pitching machine or a particle accelerator?!
Dad, can't you just slow it down a little bit?
Ready.
What are they looking at? Dad, they're looking at me!
Did you hear that? Did you hear that? I touched it that time, I did!
Oh, who am I kidding? This is hopeless!
Oh, Dad, please, I couldn't hit that ball if I had a sofa cushion!
Oh, I suppose. In time he well, it's just that...
...no boy ever forgets the first time he finds that his dad isn't perfect. It's not what I want him to take away with him on his trip. Anyway, thanks for your help.
Huh?
I don't know.
Well... Maybe it was no one time.
Well, no, I'm just not very comfortable talking about it right now.
All right, all right. Back in third grade, you took me and some of the boys from the Math Club out to pizza. When the check came, you couldn't figure out the tip in your head.
Well, it was at the time!
Fine! Fine, Dad, get defensive! I was eight years old.
I'm sorry I even brought it up.
I guess I'm just going to have to bite the bullet, sit Frederick down on Saturday before the game and tell him the truth. It's not a conversation I'm looking forward to but I should prepare him for the fact that his daddy's not going to be hitting any grand slams on Saturday. Or am I? Wait, a grand slam is...
Well, anyway, I suppose one consolation is, you know, as disappointed as I was with you after the pizza incident, here we are, all those years later, out at a batting cage.
Thanks, Dad.
Oh, shut up!
Hello, Niles.
Is that your idea of appropriate baseball-watching attire?
Well, I haven't been able to bring myself to do it yet. I guess it's about you going to any lengths to avoid looking foolish in front of your son.
Well, anyhoo...
Frederick, what have I told you about running in the house?
Frederick, what have I told you about splitting infinitives?
Frederick!
I am very disappointed in you, young man!
That's okay, son.
Er, in a bit, er... First we have to have a conversation, the two of us. Er, Uncle Niles, do you think you could give us a moment alone?
Come on, Freddie. Come and have a seat, here. Okay, you're going to see me play some softball today, and I'm not going to play very well. You see, I'm not a good softball player.
Yes, I know, he was just lying in order to be nice. The truth is, I stink. I can't catch, I can't throw, I can't hit.
So, it must be pretty disappointing to hear for the first time that your Dad's not perfect, but...
Well, why didn't you mention any of these things to me before?
Ah, actually, Frederick, I'm really okay with those things, I am. I just want you to know that it's okay for you to feel bad about them. You see, when I was your age, I felt really bad about learning that your Grandpa can't do math in his head. I learned later, of course, that that really wasn't very important because he can do so many other things so well.
Yes, but....
I was making a point!
Well, I tried, for God's sake.
Niles.
Of course. Sherry?
Yes, your life has become an operetta.
Say no more. It's a bit steep, but if it's for charity...
Alright, who should I make this out to?
You do have a problem!
The arts, Niles, not the crafts!
Oh, this is a surprise.
Oh please, that homily-spouting Hausfrau? It's the most embarrassing thing on the air. So, she finally got canned, eh?
Well, good news for Gertie and for the many atheists who will welcome this new proof of their theory.
What do you mean - your own show?
Drop it, Niles! Of course, this comes as a little surprise.
What kind of show did you have in mind?
Niles!
Well, I'd hate to lose you, but of course I'll support you.
Well...
We'd be glad to help.
When my shipmates and I pull into port after several weeks at sea...
Oh, let's try again, alright?
When my shipmates and I pull into port after several weeks at sea, the first thing we do is...
Fine, smarty pants. Well, you play Steve then.
No, Roz, you're doing just fine.
Well, perhaps not sassy but you were simply saucy, that borders on sassy.
It takes some time to get the hang of it at first. But I mean, you should have heard my audition tape! I was so inept it was incredible.
Oh. Oh, you heard it? Well, then you see that...
Yes, well fine, so you get my point then...
Alright, Roz.
Alright!
Hello, Bebe.
Oh my goodness, what a flock. These all yours?
You brought them in a van?
Hello.
Oh, alright. Explain Freud's theory of the superego.
That's not what I asked.
Hello, Hank.
Well..
Oh Roz, I'm so excited for you.
Oh congratulations, Roz...
OK.
Yes well, I'm really thrilled for her, I am, but... God knows where I'm going to find another producer. I feel so in sync with her.
No, Bebe, I don't think so. Ah, I'm not proud to admit this, but there's a small part of me that hopes she won't get the job. God, I feel guilty just saying that.
Schweitzer.
And that is it for our show today. But before I sign off, this final note to Carla who called us earlier from the planet "Fripton." The technical term for your condition, which eluded me earlier, is "Schizophrenoform Disorder." Or in layman's terms...
Good Lord, is it someone's birthday?
Oh, Roz.
Roz, I'm so sorry.
Right.
Bebe, did you hear what happened to Roz?
What are you talking about?
You did what?! In here.
Oh, how could you?! I told you that I didn't want to lose Roz, but I didn't mean for you to sabotage her!
I mean it!
Will you stop winking! My God, I could never want such a thing! There's got to be some way I can still reverse this!
Listen Roz, this is something we need to talk about...
That's not necessary.
I can't argue with that! There's something I need to confess to you. As much as I hoped that you would get the job, there was a very small part of me - and a very selfish part - that hoped you wouldn't.
Oh, I'm glad you feel that way. Because I happened to mention those feelings to Bebe.
Just in passing.
Yes... well, she said I'd quit if you got the job.
Well, I'm glad to see that you're as mad at her as I am.
Me?
Well, it was just an offhand remark, how did I know how she'd react?
Oh Roz, I'm so sorry. Just tell me how I can make it up to you. I promise I will.
Yes, anything, just name it!
Well, em, how... isn't there something else you'd like?
You're right, Roz. How can I consider myself an ethical person when I have the Princess of Darkness conducting my business for me? Well, that's it, I'm going to have to fire that conniving harpy.
I'm ashamed to think how long I've turned a blind eye on her unscrupulous behaviour. What for? A 20% pay increase... six-week paid vacation... an expense account... a travel allowance...
Well, not anymore!
Bebe, we're going to discuss what happened this morning - this time you won't wink your way out of it!
No, thank you.
Bebe, what you did today was unfair, and not just to Roz but to me.
Thanks to you, a strain has been put on our relationship... both professional and... personally. All of this I might be able to let go of as an isolated incident, but... I am concerned that... Are you quite alright?!
Yes, do you really think that you can sit there popping a bunch of... Digitalis! Oh my God! You really are sick.
Alright Bebe, be that as it may, but I still...
Since the moment we met you showed yourself to be ruthless and untrustworthy. As these are qualities I do not wish to have associated with my name, I think it's best we simply part...
Bebe, you know I can't help noticing that none of your outside lines are lit up!
Is there nothing you won't stoop to?
No, stop it! Not one more crooked word! Your tongue could open a wine bottle. From now, Frasier Crane has resigned from your coven.
Oh pu-leeze!
Roz!
Well, she doesn't have to! He worships her!
No, Roz, don't look her in the eye!
Roz, listen to me, for God's sake. If you've got the tiniest shred of sense or dignity left, remember what this woman did to you this afternoon and renounce her. She has no scruples, no ethics, and no reflection!
Well, nice doing business with you. WINK!
You know I've only got a moment, you know I've started a very exciting project.
Yes, you know this is KACL's fiftieth anniversary. I did a little research and found out they used to specialise in live radio dramas. So, I'm putting one on. Dad, surely you must remember those?
Yes, people of dad's generation would sit around at night, listening to the radio absolutely mesmerised.
All right, dad. Anyway, I've spoken to the station manager. He's given me thirty minutes, to re-create the very first mystery KACL ever aired; "Nightmare Inn."
Exactly, and I'm going to direct.
Oh, that was just a little backstage horseplay to relieve tension.
I have no intention of performing in it myself. The only re- writing I've done is simply cutting to get it down to thirty minutes.
It's just a working title!
Well, that's our show for today, but let me remind you to tune in on Saturday night for KACL's presentation of "Nightmare Inn." Just set your dials for goosebumps. Till then, this is Dr. Frasier Crane reminding you that you never know what's lurking in the shadows.
No.
Oh don't be silly, Roz. It is a juicy part, it does call for a strong voice, but believe me, my hands are full.
You know Gil, I think that's just a bit too on the nose. But you know who you could play? Mr. Nigel Fairservice, drummed out of the Royal Air Force under mysterious circumstances.
Well actually, I'm working on that. You know, Jennifer down in accounting is married to a professional actor, who specialises in dialects. I'm thinking of asking him to play six or seven of the smaller parts.
Absolutely Bulldog, just as long as you promise to promote it on your show.
Does she have any experience?
Well, we do still have a part open for the maid, she only has one line.
No, it's simple; "Look out, he's got a gun!"
Well, OK, but you've got to agree to play a part too. We still need someone for the sinister silk merchant.
It's radio, Bulldog, she doesn't have to appear in costume.
Except the lead! I haven't found anyone remotely qualified to play a wily old Scotland Yard inspector. You know, you might be right, Roz, I'll have to bite the bullet and take on the part myself.
I'm afraid the role has already been cast.
Bulldog, Gil, right on time. We have to be on our toes tonight, we have a professional actor with us, Mel White, our man of a thousand voices.
Mel's going to play Hans the German butler, both McAllister sisters, and Pépo the dwarf; a little man with a big secret.
Yes, he's also playing Bull Kragen the game keeper, and O'Toole the handy man. Do you think you're up to it, Mel?
Isn't it lovely to be working with a professional! Bulldog, where's Maxine?
Never mind, she just has one line anyway. Look out, he's got a gun! You think you might be up to that this evening, Daphne?
Why yes, I had to cut the play by twenty minutes.
Saying "Gesundheit" after the butler sneezes?!
It's cut, Gil. Learn to let go.
Yes that's still in.
Yes, yes that one. Thank you. All right, I fear we might be running just a bit long still, so I've asked Daphne to time us this evening and also Noel hasn't rounded up all the sound effects yet, so I'm gonna have Daphne read those directions as well. Now that's a lot of responsibility on you Daphne, are you sure you're up to it? All right, start the watch. Stage direction.
Stop the watch. Roz, I have a line here that says, "when she opened her lips I caught a hint of some mixed exotic accent." You will notice it does not say, "when she opened her lips cheese fell out". Start the watch. This is a grisly business, Miss Thorndike.
That's easy for you to say, but my job is to suspect everyone. Please introduce me to your guests.
Stop the watch. What's your problem?
All right, all right, how about Wing? That's a great old Chinese name. Everybody change Wang to Wing in your scripts.
From your line. Start it.
Do you see anything suspicious, Wing?
All right, it's all right, I'll just adjust his dialogue later. Start.
Did anyone see you?
Stop! That's wonderful, Mel. But he sounds to me just a bit more Austrian than German.
Yes, well perhaps they have different standards than I have. All right everyone, from the beginning once again. Now let's try hard people, dig in! And try to find the reality. From the dwarf's entrance.
"And so the case was closed, and with a grateful shudder, I swore I'd never return to Nightmare Inn." Stop. Time?
Damn! I'll have try to pin some more before we try again.
Please, we're doing it until I'm completely satisfied, and that reminds me, Mel - I'm still not entirely happy with the second McAllister sister! She doesn't sound spinsterish enough for me.
Oh, wait!
Not to worry, I have a plan.
Niles.
Actually, he doesn't know about it yet. He would have never agreed.
I'm so, so sorry. I was tinkering with it till the very last minute, but not to worry. Your natural talent will carry you through. Look, take a look at this. Noel is going to give us a demonstration of the sound effects. What have you got, Noel?
What does that do?
Hello. Welcome.
Bulldog, work on her part?! It's just one line.
And you tell me that now.
Bulldog, you're on the radio all the time.
Listen, that's all part of the thrill of the live performance. Butterflies in the stomach, sweaty palms, scratchy throat, pounding heart! I suppose you have all of those?
Dear God, we've got sixty seconds.
Don't worry Niles, I'll just cue you as we go along.
Now, listen, your natural spontaneity is your best asset as an actor. What was it the Yale "Daily News" said about your Tartuffe?
All right everyone, places please.
Good evening, this is Frasier Crane to welcome you to KACL's recreation of the original mystery theatre...
In all my years at the Yard, I doubt I'd ever seen a fouler night than that on which I was called out to investigate a double murder at the old inn on the moors. The door was answered by Miss Carlotta Thorndike. Her face was unfamiliar and when she opened her lips I caught a hint of some exotic accent.
This is a grisly business, Miss Thorndike.
That's easy for you to say. But my job is to suspect everybody. Please, introduce me to your... no, no, never mind. I know your guests by reputation. This must be Mr. Wing, the silk merchant. Did you witness anything suspicious, Wing? Of course, the inscrutable and mute Mr. Wing, who wears a bell on his hat. Did you witness anything suspicious, Wing? No, eh? I'll remember you said that.
Did anyone see you?
I tried to shake Nigel's alibi, but each witness was adamant. O'Toole!
Hans!
Miss McAllister!
There remained one suspect, whose whereabouts had not yet been established - Pépo the dwarf, a retired circus performer. Exactly where were you when the murders occurred, Pépo?
Pépo, where were you?
At the movies you say, well one quick phone call can verify that!
What's this? Dear God, the phone lines have been cut. Oh, we were really stranded. Totally and completely isolated from any contact with the outside world.
The phone lines have been repaired, you say? Hello? Wait, they've gone dead again.
Who knows what other surprises this night may bring?
Yes, I'm sorry, Niles, but you're doing brilliantly. Except your Hans could be a bit gruffer!
I'm sorry, you're right. I'm just a bit more worried of being over time. Gil, at the bottom of page fourteen, listen, after your shot just say "I'm dying," cut the rest.
Yes, I know.
Stop whining! We've got a play to do!
Oh, all right, please, quiet everybody. Ten seconds! Oh, Maxine, be sure to watch out for your cue and please, people let's pick up the pace. Nightmare Inn, Act Two. I was baffled, they all had alibis. Suddenly Miss Thorndike pointed, her eyes wide with alarm!
Why yes, Miss Thorndike, it appears to be... The ice-cream truck! But never mind that, suddenly the storm put the lights out. And we were left with darkness. Then a scream.
A gun! A gun is what he's got. When the lights came back up, a smoking gun lay on the table. The maid lay dead, unable to name her killer. Nigel Fairservice lay mortally wounded.
Poor man was gone.
Just then the lights went out again. Nigel Fairservice was shot again.
The final bullet, blew his head clean off his shoulders. All right people, let's try to keep calm although it's hard when the killer is among us.
And so died the last surviving member of the Fairservice family.
By this time, I was more baffled than ever. So I played a hunch; Hans, may I see your fingernails?
They seem a bit ragged for a butler!
Well then, that pretty much wrapped things up! Hans was a mass murderer, who to the surprise of everyone, the case was closed. And with a grateful shudder, I swore I never would return to Nightmare Inn!
Well, we still have nine minutes remaining. Perhaps we could have a little post-play discussion?
So I'm not crazy.
Oh, fewer nuts, more money - something I've been aspiring to for my entire professional life!
As flattered as we are that you've chosen our company over, say... a shower, perhaps you'd like to go to the ladies room to freshen up a little bit?
Oh, by the way Niles, my benefit for the Seattle Theatre Ensemble is tonight - I haven't recieved your check yet.
Professional people... around our age..
Same social standing...
Specific-minded... interested in the arts...
Well, why didn't you say so?
Well, pertaining to my RSVP list there should be quite a few available women.
Oh look, here comes Sherry and Dad.
No, no, no, no, I invited them.
Oh, just relax. I came up with a rather ingenious plan to occupy their evening - I bought tickets to an event which is right up their aisle. I felt so mortified just buying the tickets, I paid cash so they couldn't trace it back to me.
Oh, good Lord! Yes!
Right here.
Oh, don't look so smug - try skating and blowing into a jug while your heart's breaking!
Well, actually these are gifts for you and dad.
I hope you're free.
Oh, yes.
Oh, I'm sorry. Roz Doyle, my producer, you haven't met my dad's inamorata, Sherry Dempsey.
Oh, who cares?! The least I can do to lengthen out a few precious moments of silence without her underfoot. The woman's practically moved in with me.
Be calm now, come on. You may not look your best today but there's a man sitting right over there - he can't keep his eyes off of you.
Right over there.
Well, here's a hint: Got Milk?
At first, I was terribly nervous about hosting these things, but it seems to be going rather well.
What are you doing? You look nauseated!
Stop it! My God, people'll think the shrimp is bad. Alright, which one?
Oh well, thank you, it's good to see you. Have you met my brother, Dr. Niles Crane?
Oh, me too.
Well, I'm certainly glad that you did it with me.
Oh, that's Matthew Apinnion - he's one of the theatre's biggest benefactors.
Well, I'm sure he just wandered in there by mistake.
Interesting piece of information. Something tells me that the theatre's going to get that new sound system.
Alright. Er... Alexander Pope once wrote that the theatre "aspires to wake the soul by tender strokes of art, to raise the genius and to mend the heart." I'd like to say that it's my privelege to help ensure the survival of this noble calling. And, er, thank you all for coming and I'll see you on the opening night "Run For Your Wife!"
Oh well, hardly. My Muse, alas, is somewhat ephemeral.
Leslie, of course.
I'd be delighted too.
Thank you.
Niles, was that Natalie Spencer I saw you talking with?
And?
Not hardly, I wouldn't do that sort of thing. I came over here to gloat because two women came onto me!
My God, I've never had a night like this in my entire life! I'm a babe magnet, I'm catnip!
No, no, no, your path is clear.
Well Niles, I'll tell you what. Seeing as how Cupid has so amply stocked my quiver this evening, I shall try and shine on your behalf.
Kimberly, good evening.
Thank you. Listen, I don't usually do this sort of thing but there's a gentlemen here tonight who's rather taken with you. He's an eligible doctor, he's just a bit shy about coming over and expressing those interests to you.
Oh, do you know my brother?
Well Doug, it's possible you're simply going through a dry spell. Good Lord, it happens to all of us. Months go by with nothing, then completely out of the blue you get not one but three offers, without doing anything. Not just for any jobs either, but for desirable ones, with ample salaries and fabulous perks. Be patient. Finding employment is much like dating - opportunities come along when you least expect them.
Two? Well, that must make you the envy of MOST men! Well, that's all for today, Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL 780.
Ask me if I'm free this weekend.
Roz, ask me, come on. And let me remind you, it's a three- day weekend.
No, I have a date this evening. And I've got a date tomorrow night. Oh, and let me check my calendar for Sunday. Oh yes, another date!
Not bad?! If I didn't know better, I'd say someone was a little jealous. After this weekend you may have to give up your dating crown!
It's a wonder you could rotate anything after that! Alright, I concede.
Sure.
Well, it's a bit unusual but it's sweet nonetheless.
Roz, does this have something to do with an old high-school chum you ran into yesterday during your holiday from hygiene?
Come on, you're a beautiful, intelligent woman. Do you really care what impressions people in your past have about you?
Hello? Why-y-y, Norm Peterson, you old horse thief! Thanks for calling back so soon. Well... just guess who's got three dates this weekend!
What the hell are you doing?
Not that, the voice.
You're certainly trying this American!
And who is your tutor, a drag queen?
Yes, alright, thank you, Daphne - very much.
Try hauling it out of here!
Kimberly, hello.
Oh, well let me take your things.
Oh, well thank you again for chairing. Listen, did we make as much money as we hoped to?
My favorite sort of evening.
As could I. Here we are - some wine, perhaps?
To... Possibilities.
Well, actually I first caught the acting bug back at prep school. The very first production I ever did was "A Mid- Summer Night's Dream." Not to toot my own horn but my Bottom recieved a standing ovation.
And you? How did you get involved?
Really?
Heavens, yes. You know, I have dream of some day owning a big house in the country where I can have as many dogs as I like.
I just recently became one!
Well, thank you, Sherry. Kimberly Egan, this is my father Martin Crane, and this is his companion Sherry Dempsey.
Yes, as much as I could use that right now, I think I'll pass.
Well, actually I don't think...
You know, Sherry, I think we've both heard this joke.
Free range!
Good, we can joke about this. Kimberly, please, can I at least call you in a few days?
Go ahead!
So, Sherry's not there for longer than thirty seconds and she chases Kimberly right out of the apartment.
Look, this accent thing's getting downright annoying! Well anyway, I've been trying to call Kimberly all day to apologize...
What are you doing?
There's a hidden camera up there?
Oh!
Oh fine, Sherry's still here! You know, she stays later each morning and more nights each week! It's not what I had in mind when I moved in here. It's bad enough I have to deal with Eddie and Dad and... their shenanigans!
They're arguing. Could there be trouble in paradise?
No, they might stop!
Just now.
I've never heard them talking like that before. Dare I get my hopes up?
I wouldn't be so sure about that.
Well, the man would say, "well it's your own fault, you started it!
I don't feel like sitting!
Well, you made me angry!
Oh Daphne, I'm sorry...
You're right. We're made up already.
Daphne, please, Sherry and dad don't have make-up sex.
My dad and Sherry do not have sex!
Did that actually just happen?
Are you okay with this?
Are you sure?
Perhaps I should go see if he feels like talking about it.
Hello? Oh yes, hi, Niles. Well, actually it isn't a very good time. No, well dad and Sherry just broke up. He seems to be taking it okay, I guess. Oh no, I don't think it's appropriate. Well, it's just too soon for us to be celebrating right now.
It's still too soon, Niles!
Yes, of course, Roz. What is it?
Those are the very words I would use to woo my dear Lilith.
And you were wondering if I might meet her for a drink, which might lead to dinner, and then after that who knows where?
Ooh, oh Roz. Do you hear that?
If you listen very carefully you can actually hear my skin crawling!
Oh, Roz.
Oh, it has not been that long. I mean, that is a laugh! Hah! The last time was... er... well, let’s see... Well, the tree was still up. Oh, God!
Oh Roz, I’m not interested.
A woman golfer. Are we quite certain there is a right guy?
Not this one.
A chess player, did you say?
You know, Dad, there are some fathers who actually praise their sons and whistle at their dog?
Well, if you must know I’m meeting a friend of Roz’s today after work, but it’s no big deal.
It has not been that long!
Yes, it’s a new suit. Yes, I’m meeting a woman. And yes, it has been a while.
Daphne, are you finished here with the microwave?
Yes, well, English cooking strikes again!
Well, I think you should be happy that one of your patients feels healthy enough to terminate his therapy.
Yes, well if Mr. Blackwell comes in I’ll create a diversion, you can make a dash for it.
An advertisement? Isn’t that a bit commercial for a psychiatrist?
All right. "Dr. Niles Crane, Jung specialist. Servicing individuals, couples, groups. Satisfaction guaranteed. Tell me where it hurts." Well, that’s just excellent, Niles. All you’re missing now is a very tasteful cartoon of you smiling brightly and holding a shrunken head!
Hi, Roz.
You didn’t say anything to her?
Good, good. Now, listen. If I don’t like her I will simply excuse myself and leave. But if I do like her I will find some polite and discrete way of hinting to you that you may go...
Beat it, Roz!
Thank you.
Oh, well, not lately!
Well, you know, as long as you’re here you might as well join me.
Bye, Roz.
What a kind thing to say.
Really? May I ask what the problem was?
Ah, well, I don’t think that’s too great a problem, but if I were to make a recommendation it might be to start seeing a therapist.
Hello, Bulldog.
Well, actually I wasn’t, no!
Yes, good to see you, Bulldog. Don’t be a stranger.
1992? You know, that’s a fabulous year for a particular Chambertin I took a shine too...
You know, this reminds me of a debate I had with my brother Niles about whether or not Steven Sondheim is really light opera...
Well, no, I don’t play.
Likewise.
Bulldog! Roz set this up that I might meet Sharon. Until you got here things were going in a very positive direction.
Is there nothing I can do to appeal to your sense decency?
What? Oh, oh. Haven’t you spoken with Sharon?
Look, before you snap my behind with a wet towel, last time I saw Sharon she was leaving Café Nervosa with Bulldog.
Well, I don’t know. The whole thing was sort of a blur. We were talking about golf and something called a handicap, the next thing I know I’m sitting there with a cappuccino muttering to myself in a very soothing voice.
It’s all right, Roz. It’s just the whole thing catapulted me back to high school. You know me as an adult, but back then I was rather an un-athletic, bookish sort.
Jocks were the bane of my existence. They would always call me a "weenie" and steal all the girls that I wanted.
Friends, yeah, yeah. Any time they wanted a sensitive shoulder to cry on, until some blond-headed pillar testosterone would come by and it was, "Bye Frasier, we can study later." I’d head home to Niles and we’d put on "The Brandenberg Concertos" and play air violin.
I suppose you were Miss Popular at High School?
I’m guessing that explains why, too!
You had sex with Sharon?
Don’t ask me. I don’t even know who you are!
This is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL 780 Talk radio.
You know, Niles, what say I buy us dinner with a lot martinis?
I take it you had a bad day too?
Oh yes - "Dr. Niles Crane, Jung specialist," blah blah blah.
"Dr. Niles Crane..." "Hung specialist." Oh, my!
Well... any calls?
Yes. We’ll start with double martinis.
I’m sorry, Bulldog.
Bulldog – are you going to be all right?
In a minute.
Bulldog, are you going to be all right? Do you think you can take the show?
Me? A sports show?
OK, sports enthusiasts. This is Dr. Frasier Crane filling in for Bob "Bulldog" Briscoe. You’re on the air.
Are you speaking of the frothy musical adaptation, or the baseball team of which I know nothing?
Doesn’t that take me back? But he brings up a good point. You see, while I’m on the air, please feel free to call up about anything other than sports. Please. Hello, you’re on the air.
Yes! You’re on the air.
What is going on?
Look, Niles, we have to pull this man together in minutes, not in a lifetime!
We don’t have the time for this. Now get out!
All right, Bulldog. Look, we’re on a newsbreak. You have got to pull yourself together, because there is no way I’m enduring anymore of that humiliation!
You have got to! I can’t even decipher the abbreviations on the scoresheets. I’m guessing by your producer’s guffaws that "IND" is not the Cleveland Independents!
Positively bone chilling.
I know, I know, Bulldog. You know, often through pain we can achieve emotional growth. It reminds me of a paper I recently presented to the Vancouver Psychiatric Association. The ground of my discourse was that the sufferer - i.e., you...
Like a guy... Like a guy... SCREW HER!
Yeah, you don’t need her. She’s trash!
You’re better off without her, we both are!
Yeah, so do I. Unattractive yet liberating, rather like the one and only time I wore a European bathing suit. I’m sorry. SHE’S A BITCH!
You’re right. All she did was save you the trouble of having to dump her!
There you go!
That’s right.
Likewise. You know I could talk like this for another thirty seconds.
She was nothing! She was less than nothing!
Tomorrow you’re gonna find someone even hotter, and you know what you’re gonna do?
You’re gonna have your fun with her, and then you’re gonna DUMP her just for the hell of it!
And you know what?! You’re not gonna feel bad about it at all! And you know why?! BECAUSE WE’RE GUYS! AND THAT’S WHAT GUYS DO!!!!!
SCREW HIM!
You heard what I said! We don’t need him or his stinky little restaurant! There are plenty of restaurants in town! I say we go somewhere we don’t even need a reservation!
Thank you, Niles.
Yes, you know, if we hasten, perhaps we can catch the first seating at Cigar Volante.
Daphne, shh... do you hear that?
The sound of a Sherry-free apartment. I've been basking in it for the last thirty minutes. Right now, I feel like a seafront village after the Vikings have left.
That must be Niles!
Niles. I'd offer you a sherry, but I'm fresh out!
Well no, not after what happened last time - your watchband got caught in my hair.
Yes.
Niles!
Daphne, we had this discussion already - he's fine!
Leave the complex analysis to the professionals!
It's a clearcut case of Post-Sherry Euphoria!
Oh, there's my canapés.
You'll get a full debriefing - As, hopefully, will I.
Alright, young animal: learn from the master! Now, bottle these time-honored traditions, and you too might get lucky with that young Pekinese peach you've been eyeing in the park. Now, for mood: Vivaldi. And then, for lighting: not so bright as to show the wrinkles, not so dark as to make her think you're hiding anything. Oops, and leaving nothing to chance: Pouisse Fuisse 1992 - elector a la carte. Dear God, I could teach a course!
Adair. Come in, may I take your coat?
Oh, nothing special.
Well, there's one thing I've learned - that life is nothing without spontaneity.
Come and have a look at the city.
My sentiments exactly.
Here, a glass of wine. Here we are. To... Possibilities.
Well, if you can, don't tell me. I have a telescope and I'm not to be trusted!
Well, don't get your hopes up! Duck confit.
Sherry. Er, my father's not here right now. I'll tell him you stopped by.
Well, why don't you tell me what it is, I'll have it messengered over tomorrow.
Alright, listen, I'm on a date here. So just try to make it quick.
She's fine, we're fine, go on.
Father's ex-girlfriend. Well, where were we?
Well, no, actually. I'm really rather lonely. Tell you what, take my telescope home, you can see for yourself.
Oh well, yes, okay, bye-bye.
Well you got what you came for, off you go...
Alright, off you go!
Some more wine?
My God, you could hardly call what happened last night a date. The woman who organised the benefit came by, she just dropped in to say thank you.
Well, I hardly know the woman, she spent all of ten minutes here!
Adair! Listen, listen, this is all in your mind! I mean, we spent one night together, she means nothing to me!
Go ahead!
So, for the second time in two nights Sherry manages to chase away another date! She's like a scarecrow in the cornfield my love life!
Well no, we haven't, Roz. I suppose you finally tracked him down?
The vain, neurotic, lying Roz?
Oh hi, Sherry.
Oh, of course not.
Well, not really. You know how closed up Dad is. Well, he did say that the breakup was a long time coming.
Yes, well I certainly can tell why you're confused. Well... if you'd like, I could speak to him on your behalf. Ow!
Of course.
I haven't so far.
You didn't have to kick me at all!
I have no intention in repairing the rift. God, last night for the first time in months I wasn't jolted awake at two a.m. by her rousing rendition of "Funky Mountain Breakdown"! It seems a little odd that Dad chose to break up with Sherry just after he told her he loved her.
Yes, well I think he does share her feelings. He just panicked out of fear.
Well, lots of things: change, commitment, becoming vulnerable to someone again. I'm just afraid he broke up with her for all the wrong reasons.
The least I can do is have a talk with him.
As a general rule Niles, the photographer is not related to the antelope!
I have a date in forty-five minutes, and a bleeding antelope sitting in a Baracalounger in my apartment!
Not so fast, Mr. Hicks. You won't find me doing anything foolish.
Daphne.
Yes, you too.
Oh Dad, listen, I'm glad you're home. We've gotta talk.
We have to talk about you and Sherry.
Dad, listen, I spoke with Sherry today.
Well, she came to see me. She was a bit confused about what happened the other day and well, from her story, I think what you're contending with here is a classic case of panic induced by fear of commitment.
Yes, well she also told me about a little incident that took place the other evening, where she expressed her feelings for you and you hesitantly reciprocated.
Well, listen Dad, there's my date. I'm sorry for butting into your life but I happen to be concerned about you. You may find it hard to believe but your welfare happens to be very important to me.
Ah, Sherry.
I saw that, Dad! I saw the way you looked at her. You can't convince me you don't feel the same way about her that she does about you!
Alright, fine, it's your life. I wouldn't interfere.
Wait, can you just stay for a few minutes? I think I can straighten this whole thing out.
Yes, well he's just being his stubborn, ornery self.
Alright, I'll just go and talk to him. Stay here.
Oh, Leslie.
Oh, dear God. Sherry, this is Leslie; Leslie, Sherry. Leslie, come on in.
No! Oh, no... need to ask.
May I take your coat? Yes, there we are. You see, Sherry is my father's lady friend and they're going through a bit of a rough patch. If you'll excuse for just a moment, I have to talk with him. Just a minute...
No, no. I mean, look at this fabulous sunset, isn't that something?
Yes, it is! Excuse me for a minute... Oh wait, some wine?
To... possibilities.
Oh, Dad.
Oh, no trouble at all, Dad.
Dad, you and Sherry...
She came in to borrow the powder room, I'll be right back.
How's everything out here?
Fine, fine. I think I just need a few more minutes.
Oh, what and miss this fabulous sunset?
So it is!
Here we go, to possi- oh, what am I doing?!
Two minutes, no more!
Oh, not you, Leslie.
Dad, I am not trying to torture you.
Alright, listen, I'm still a bit confused about something, maybe you can help me understand it. You said that you don't have any feelings for this woman. Alright then, fine. Why is it for the last three months you've been happier than since my mom died?
I didn't mean to bring her into this. That's not what I'm talking about... Dad, is that what this about? Mom?
Listen, I'm a psychiatrist.
Dad, that is just classic defensive...
Excuse me, butterfingers!
Now listen, Dad, I do not mean to upset you. I believe that the feelings that you're going through here are feelings guilt. It's probably natural to feel that way - my God, I understand exactly what you're going through.
Dad, there was a time after my first marriage was breaking up, I was talking to Mom. She said to me, "Frasier, you've got to promise me you're not going to give up." I said, "Mom, please, the last thing I want to hear is a bunch clichés, and that we're all put on the earth to love each other, and how it's certainly possible for the human heart to love more than one person." I said, "Alright, Mom, give me one good reason to ever let myself fall in love again." She said, "Because I said so and I'm your mother!"
Well, does it help to remind you that Sherry's a pretty great lady too? God, dad, she makes you happy. Niles and I would give anything to have what you have. Well, not WHAT you have but what you HAVE.
Well, don't you think you should let her decide that?
Well, it looks like those two could use a little privacy. You mind if I take you to the restaurant a little early?
We can finish off the wine later... not that we're coming back here... not that I'm obverse to that, of course... I mean, if you're in the mood for a night count.... a nightcap!
Yes. Gee, I can't thank you enough for being tolerant about the time delay.
You'd be surprised, lately women just fly into rages intolerance under the slightest provocation....
Oh, good Lord, step lively!
Thank you, Sherry. Off we go!
No! I mean, don't you think the walk would do them good?
Yes...
Hold the elevator, will you? Eddie!
Well, you could at least act surprised!
Morning, Sherry.
No thank you, caffeine only weakens the immune system. I'm fighting off a flu.
No, no that's really not necessary.
Yes, in keeping with the trusty adage, "starve a cold, disgust a fever."
Oh, bless you.
Hmm.
Yes, hot.
Dad please, I'm trying to read.
Perhaps someone wouldn't stop talking about the weather.
Please, would you two spare me the single entendre this morning? I'm trying to avoid getting sick.
Yes, I'm sure with good aim it could bring down an elk!
Just stop right there. I'm trying to have a peaceful morning and I do not want to be put on the spot, I do not want to eat some bizarre breakfast concoction, and I do not want to discuss the weather. I just want to try and conserve energy, sit here, and enjoy my paper.
Bup-bup-bup! Not another word!
Bup! I don't care who did what to whom or in what disgusting manner. As we speak, hordes of viral Visigoths are hurling themselves over the battlements of my immune system, laying waste to my... Oh, dear God, you see how weak I am? I can't even finish a simple Visigoth metaphor.
Hey! Roz, I meant what I said! I simply cannot deal with other people's problems today.
Oh... Roz, please, I need my rest. You know, even if I didn't, I do not want to be poked and prodded by a bunch of desperate, alcohol-lubricated husband-hunters.
Cheryl - isn't she the one who, at the last company wedding, hip-checked you into the ice sculpture in her headlong rush to catch the bouquet?
Is Seattle experiencing a Prozac shortage?!
Sorry Dad, it was all I could do to get through my show. King Solomon has split his last baby for the day, my health is hanging by a thread. Bup-bup-bup! You're just going to have to settle this amongst yourselves, quietly!
I'm taking a bath.
They're aromatherapeutic. And exactly what part "I'm taking a bath" did you take to mean "come on in"?
Yes, all right, unless blood has been spilled, and on a carpeted area, I don't care. Now get out!
Do you mind!
Daphne, please, you can't come in here.
No, she can't, no-one can!
All right! I am moments away from succumbing once and for all to this flu. I am going to take one stab at this and then I am going to sink, Hippopotamus-like, beneath the bubbles. I think what this all comes down to is a dispute over turf. Daphne and Sherry are like two animals scent-marking their territory, which in this case is you, Dad.
All right, all right, fine, it's like the Roman emperor Tiberius, his mother Livia, and his wife Vipsania.
Fine! Daphne: your primary role in this household is to take care of Dad. Sherry: you also enjoy taking care Dad. I suspect that your attempts to find Daphne a boyfriend are really an unconscious ploy to get her out of the way. It's unconscious.
Daphne, naturally you are threatened by this and you feel you are no longer needed.
Nobody's going to be singing anything tonight! Daphne, I think we now all understand why you stormed out of here earlier. A strong emotion like not feeling wanted can drive anyone into a rash and impulsive act.
Well, at the root of this, you're both just feeling insecure.
Though it could probably have been avoided if Dad had been sensitive enough to remind you that you are both important in his life.
Now, that is not important. We all feel better now.
Oh look, I am running out of patience, I am running out of strength, and I am running out of bubbles! Please, the lecture has ended!
Oh please, Niles. Look, unconsciously you knew it wasn't right. That's why you brought Daphne back here.
You're a doctor. Why didn't you just use your prescription pad?
Isn't there an all-night pharmacy across the street from your building?
Well, that's our show for today. But before we close I'd like to invite you all to join us here at KACL in wishing a fond farewell to our Happy Chef, Leo Pasquale, as he bubble-wraps his crepe pan and heads south towards sunny Santa Fe. Leo, you stirred us with your passion; melted us with your charm; added spice to our lives. Now as you whisk yourself away let's not say goodbye, but rather “tartar” for now. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL 780.
Oh, dear God, there is nothing I detest more than a KACL goodbye party. They're all the same – twist-top wine with a bunch of people standing round awkwardly trying to summon up some affection for someone they hardly even know. It always ends up reeking of insincerity.
Well, Bulldog certainly is.
Well, actually I think I'm going to pass.
That is precisely what I'm trying to avoid. Since when did we become a society of huggers? We hug for everything nowadays. "Hello" - hug; "Congratulations" - hug; "Nice haircut" - hug. It's absurd. I mean, if we want to express real emotion for someone - I mean, where is there left to go?
Well, in that case you should outlive Styrofoam!
You know I wouldn't miss saying goodbye to you for the world.
You have no idea how hard this is for me.
I must say, Niles, that is a striking tie you're wearing.
Oh yes. I remember her struggle to lose that holiday pound.
You know, I would think wearing a tie that Maris gave you might make you feel a little bit melancholy.
Really?
And she agreed?
Congratulations.
Yes. I can tell without looking that they've got Chad back on steamer duty.
Now listen. I know you're upset, but let's remember why you left Maris in the first place: you were tired of groveling.
Fine! Go ahead and toddle on back to Maris. Let her grind you under her boot heel for another twelve years, rob you of whatever self-respect you've still retained, then we can have this conversation all over again!
Sorry.
That would be Niles. I'm taking him to lunch to get his mind off his troubles.
Dad, I'm sorry, I don't think he's ready to talk about it so we're not talking about it.
Niles.
You know, I think Daphne's fighting an uphill battle with this little project of hers.
It's a journal.
These must be notes from one of her research projects. "It's hard to imagine two male siblings who could be more different than Frasier and Niles."
"Though both are highly intelligent, Frasier is clearly the more dominant of the two while Niles remains extremely passive." Fascinating!
"What Niles lacks in assertiveness he makes up for in an abnormally fussy grooming regimen."
Where does it say that?
Good Lord. This cuts rather close to the bone. Just yesterday Roz was accusing me of the same thing. I always thought it was just an aversion to social hugging but apparently it goes deeper than that. You know, maybe this is something I should work on. What do you think?
Niles?
Well, you shouldn't let that upset you. You've broken that pattern. You could have knocked that under and gone groveling back to Maris but you didn't. You know Niles, I don't think I've ever been more proud of you.
Well, pardon me for trying. I am new at it.
What?
Niles, you didn't.
Well, how did she respond?
I'm going with you.
"Constantly allows himself to be cowed and dominated, especially by females."
You're right. That was harsh. Come here
Niles, I'm still a little uneasy about this. What if one the servants sees us?
Yes! All it takes is stealth, cunning and a key to the door!
Niles, don't they look just a bit agitated to you?
Right!
They're toying with us!
Well I guess we're just going to have to wait until Lady Baskerville comes back from the spa!
Oh. I do see your point.
No, Niles. We can't feed them raw meat, it'll only stimulate their bloodlust.
Right!
Wait! What if Maris is out of pills?
Oh, I see.
Niles, that's three meatballs in a row right in the koi pond! Stop trying to throw! Just drop them, you can drop straight, can't you?!
A splat! Do it again. Excellent! They're eating it! All right that's enough. Good boys. Yes, that's right, eat hearty. Oh, you missed one right over there in the garden by the tulips. Oh, there's a few more over there in the koi pond next to the... sleeping koi.
Niles? Niles, this painting here in the living room – have you always had this?
No, no, it must be a different painting. This is Maris next to a really big tree.
In that case, I wouldn't look too closely at the face of that skunk in the flowerbed.
How so?
Oh, that candelabra?
I think you owe us all a candelabra for that. Niles, look. It seems to be working. The dogs are getting drowsy.
I knew.
What are you doing?
Niles, you know I'll support any decision you make, but are you sure?
Are you OK?
Oh, I don't know. Maybe they're just playing possum with us.
Good for you. I'm going to run like hell out the front door.
Yes. Niles has decided to begin divorce proceedings.
Now we thought it might be nice to have a family dinner this evening at Chez Shea, so we stopped by to invite the two you to join us.
If you choose you never have to see Maris again.
Oh God, you're not having second thoughts?
Now, now, Niles. It's only natural for you to feel a little bit shaky, but believe me, you made the right decision.
Let's just check what prompted us to it. Here: "Niles is incapable of asserting himself, especially in front of females!"
"As I write this he lies, staring out the window, licking himself!"
"He's become so subservient lately that when he's finished grooming himself he often begins licking Frasier."
"April 14th. The day I've dreaded for weeks: Frasier died this morning. I never would have guessed that my heart could ache so over the death of my beloved lab rat. My only consolation is the knowledge that I will soon give birth to my first child."
Our mother named us after rodents.
Niles...
Niles, your reasoning was still sound.
Niles is just a bit distraught.
Niles, don't talk that way! My God man, you've got to calm down.
Of course he'll be all right, Dad. Niles! Just remember to keep breathing. And trust me – this is not the end. Your life is not over! Niles! NILES!
Oh my God!
Oh Niles, I'm so happy for you!
Wait, I just thought of something! What if Maris is out pills?
Yes . . . our mother named us after rodents.
Niles, how do you feel?
Dad, is Niles home?
For God's sake, I've been standing out front for twenty minutes, we're going to be late for our squash court! Nice cardigan.
You don't seem very happy about it.
Dad! Spontaneous gift-giving is one of life's great pleasures. Didn't you ever give Mom anything without a warning?
There you are! Come on, Niles, let's shake a leg! We're going to be late for our court time.
Niles!
Get the hell off the phone!
Please, don't you realise it's also rude to be late for an appointment!
Well, I hope you're happy, we've now officially lost our court!
Well, of course it is. I was just looking forward to playing.
No, I do.
No, no... Niles, I would love to see you and Maris reconciling, if that's what you want. I'm just afraid you might be going a bit too quickly. Would you like some coffee?
Need I remind you that only last month she served you divorce papers!
Right, well, er, that's a tough question. You know, perhaps the better question would be, do you think you and Maris are meant to be together?
Niles, please, I don't want to play God!
Well, for starters I'd issue a recall on some of my lesser species!
Get out!
Well, this is Dr. Frasier Crane saying goodbye and good mental health.
Oh, Lord, he must really want an answer to that question.
Well, yesterday he asked me straight up if I thought he and Maris were meant for each other.
Yeah, you're telling me. In fact, I don't even know what my answer is.
I don't know, Roz.
Yeah, you're right. I guess there's only one way to answer that question.
No, I don't.
Roz!
Stop it, get a hold of yourself! I was thinking about what you had said. I'm going to tell Niles yes, I think he and Niles were meant to be together.
We have a little date tonight.
Well, it's no big deal, I don't even think she's interested in me.
Yes, you are. But of course, I'll be seeing you as well.
You think so?
Is that a good sign?
It probably should be a very interesting night. Though she is very attractive, slender...
Oh, not this again!
Oh, please.
The Liberty Bell has a crack in it!
What is all this?
Good Lord, it's like Christmas morning in the Gambino household!
That's strange. I just made that date this morning, he must be really champing at the bit to get an answer to that question.
Oh, he asked me if I thought he and Maris were meant to be together.
Oh wonderful, dad, we've found a new word to strike from your vocabulary. Along with patootie and bupkis!
Well, I think I have to. But listen, I'm just going to play it safe. Tell him yes. He's gonna do what he wants to anyway.
Well, when we were younger, there was a certain sway I had over him. Oh God, do you remember that time back in prep school when he was going to try out for the track team and I convinced him all the really cool kids were going to join the Madrigal society.
Hmm, perhaps I have underestimated my influence. You know, frankly, my opinion could be the single most important factor in his making this decision.
Oh, please, dad. You don't know what it's like to have your opinion matter! Niles depends on me, he deserves my true and honest answer.
Well, Maris has always been spoilt and selfish and led him around by the nose, I'd have to say my answer would be no. Thank you, dad. I've changed my answer from a yes to a no.
On the other hand... I knew it. You know, there are a lot of other factors here, dad. Niles does love Maris.
She has agreed to go into therapy; Niles swears that she's a changed person. I don't know, I guess if I really want to know what's going on in Maris's mind, I've got to ask her myself.
You agree with that, don't you dad?
Well, I've got a couple of hours before my date. So what I'm going to do, if I really want to know was Maris is thinking, I will go directly to the source.
Marta!
Marta, I can't tell you how nice it is to see you again.
I see your English lessons with Maris are progressing, yes?
Listen Marta, I'm going to come right to my point. Dr. Crane and Maris - Missy Crane - have both been seeing a couples' therapist lately and I understand it's going very well.
Really? So you would say that she is a changed person?
Oh, all right then, this is my question: if Dr. Crane and Mrs. Crane were to get back together, do you... do you think Mrs. Crane would treat Dr. Crane better?
Marta, you've been most helpful. You know, lately I've been wondering if Niles and Maris ought to be together. Now, thanks to you, I know that the answer to that question is yes.
What? Did I say something funny?
Oh, that's all right, I understand.
Well, there is a limit!
Oh, Daphne.
Yes it was, we were just sharing a coffee. You know, I wanted to help allay some of my fears about Niles and Maris getting back together.
Wait, wait, Daphne, what do you mean?
Gee, it never occurred to me that Marta might have an ulterior motive.
Well, this taints Marta's entire testimony. Is it possible she could have lied to me? Now then, with my training there aren't many things that can escape my notice, as I'm sure you've observed, Daphne. Gee, how could she lie to me? Now you see the predicament I am in. Every time somebody gives me a valid argument, somebody else comes along and gives me a perfectly valid counter-argument. One minute I think the answer is yes, the next minute I think it's no! God, this is driving me crazy. Well, I've got to stick with it, Niles asked me what I think... that's it... what I think! Of course I don't know what I think right now, well. But it's hard to be focused...
Don't you agree, Daphne?
Hmmm? Me too.
Oh, yes, yes, I'm just a little preoccupied.
Stop obsessing! Enjoy the date!
Here we are.
Well, I've chosen a little Italian place I know, if that's all right?
Oh, I'm sorry. Well, I told myself I wasn't going to bring this up to you, and I don't really think it's appropriate for a first date, but I haven't been able to think about anything else all day, so here goes: Do you think it's possible for two people to be meant for each other?
Yes.
You do. But how do you know that they're meant for each other? Of course it's essential they have similar interests, goals in common...
Oh, well, that's a given. But you know, my ex-wife had all those things, our marriage was an unmitigated disaster.
No, not entirely.
I didn't have a show then. I just- what it comes down to is, what is that special something that makes us cry out, "Yes, you're meant to be together!"
Elise, I'm thinking you are quite the practical joker! Pretending not to know that I was really talking about my brother, Niles, and his wife. Surely Roz must have told you?
Sense of humour, that's another thing for two to have in common.
Elise, we can still go out, just pretend that none of this ever happened!
I can't for the life of me figure out why this decision is causing me so much anxiety. There's just so many things to be considered, you know.
On the one hand, you know, perhaps I'm afraid if Niles and Maris reconcile, well then we may lose the friendship he and I developed during their separation. On the other hand, if Maris does take him back, well then I won't have to feel so responsible for him. There's just so much at stake!
Oh, not that kind of steak! Listen, you're driving me crazy, I can't hear myself think here, I'm going to take a walk.
Oh, not with you. Go away. Time for your bath!
So gullible!
It's Frasier, let me in.
Well, the doorman was asleep.
I'm sorry, Niles, I apologise for the late hour.
Well, I was wandering Seattle in desperate search for an answer to your question. I know how crucial my opinion is to you and I didn't want to take your question lightly.
You asked me if I thought you and Maris were meant for each other.
I can't believe it! I've been to hell and back agonizing over this question and you forgot!
Thank you.
Well, this is hard for me to say but... no.
I don't think you and Maris are meant to be together. I believe that a marriage should be built on a foundation of friendship and mutual respect. With Maris I fear that you never experienced those things fully. And I question whether you'll ever be truly happy.
You're hurt, aren't you?
Did you just hear a bell?
There it is again.
Wait a minute... Oh, Niles! Maris is here, isn't she? How could you?!
How could you do something like this without waiting for my opinion?
Oh, why don't you just go run back to her before she sprains her wrist!
Oh Roz, I managed to get some reservations at San Gennaro tonight. I thought we'd go celebrate your birthday.
You're going out with that guy?
Keep in mind the service wasn't that good. Well, the reservation won't go to waste. I can always take Niles.
In other words, exchange my life for yours.
Oh, yes, yes, I do remember you calling in sick one Monday morning with a mariachi band in the background.
Mmm-hmmm.
Niles, there's something on your tie.
Yes, he is. Allow me. Ah, there. All right, there we go.
Oh Niles, I managed to score some reservations tonight at San Gennaro. You up for a little Italian?
Like some sherry?
So, those counseling session must be going very well.
I just can't picture Maris in Dad's '82 Impala.
Uh-huh. Yes, I remember the way you used to carry your inhaler around rolled up in the sleeve of your t-shirt. Oh, how about you two? You guys want to join me for dinner tonight?
Greg? I don't believe I've met him yet.
No, no. You don't have to put yourself out on my account, Dad. Oh Dad, did you happen to check this message?
Great news, Laura's in town!
A stranger who called my machine by mistake.
Uh, listen, is it possible to move to... to have a table elsewhere? I feel just a bit conspicuous right here.
Very well.
Perfectly all right. Just because I'm alone doesn't mean I'm lonely. Perhaps I could have a glass of your house cabernet.
Hello. What's your name?
Well, that's a bit complicated, Johnny.
Oh, well, that's a very... very sweet offer, and I know it's hard for a young boy to understand, but really, there's nothing wrong with someone eating by himself.
Oh, well that gave you an opportunity to think about your actions, didn't it?
Run along, Johnny.
Oh, thank you.
Please, stop! Tonight, I'd prefer to just... dine in the shadows, thank you.
As a matter of fact I am, yes.
Oh, good Lord, yes. I've actually been sitting here hoping somebody would- make good use of that chair.
Hi, um, Johnny said I could eat with you.
Not since Quasimodo strolled the streets of medieval Paris have so many people uttered the phrase, "That poor man."
Oh?
The height of the evening came when the entire staff of waiters delivered the birthday cake that I'd ordered for Roz and neglected to cancel. They sang to me.
Staying right with the story as usual, Dad. Anyway, after dinner I took a long stroll, and it suddenly struck me: I'm single. I'd gotten accustomed to thinking of myself as recently divorced, but that was five years ago. I'm forty- three, and I'm alone.
Good! Nothing spoils an apple pie like apples. Oh, Niles.
Well-
Cabernet.
Dad, am I the only one in this household who checks this machine?
Again.
Oh no, she won't, she'll take a cab.
I always loved the name Laura.
Really?
Oh, please, Daphne, a couple phone calls and you're fixing us up already.
Oh, sure it's fun to speculate, but, come on, you can't seriously be suggesting-
Boy, is that the one place that line would work.
She likes the sound of my voice. She's called me twice today. That's already the best relationship I've had this year.
Maybe. Oh, I don't know.
What the hell!
I can't believe I'm actually doing this!
No, Niles, stop right there! Don't say another word to me! I'll never do something this impulsive if I stop to overthink it. Just let me get the hell out of here before I change my mind!
But not before I change my shirt.
Uh, Laura? Looking for Molly?
Oh, no, no, no. I'm not a driver, I'm a psychiatrist, I'm here to help you.
No, no, no! I'm Doctor Frasier Crane.
Oh, you know me!
Well, actually... you left a couple messages on my machine today by mistake.
I didn't want you waiting around for someone who wasn't coming.
Yes. Yes, I am. Well, speaking of nice, I would be delighted to drive you to your sister's home.
Are you sure? It's no trouble at all.
Yes, I'd love that. May I take your cello?
That is funny! Here. So, are you with an orchestra?
So, what'll you have?
Two.
Yes... I mean, I agree with you about the sherry. So... um... why did you choose the cello?
That's not silly. It's lovely.
I had Sigmund Freud.
Well, I... I was tempted to, but he just would've read too much into it! Oh, thank you.
Well, if I am, my diagnosis so far is that I... I can't find a single thing wrong with you.
Yes. My second pleasant surprise this evening.
Oh... somehow I jumped to the conclusion that you were single. Wasn’t there something in your message about having been on your own too much, lately?
Oh... Well, I guess by now you've probably figured out that my coming down here wasn't entirely the act of a Good Samaritan. More like a lonely Samaritan. Guess it makes me seem sort of desperate.
Clearly, you were better at being single than I am.
I felt... completely exhilarated. In fact, it's the most fun I've had in recent memory.
I hope you didn't write your own vows.
I suppose. Well, you're smart, lovely, talented, able to look at the bright side of things. I'm getting more disappointed by the moment.
Oh, don't be. Look, I really did have fun. You know, it's not very often that I do something impulsive.
Oh, no, here, allow me. Allow me. I'm the nicest guy in the world, remember?
Here we are.
No, you don't have to finish that, but thank you very much for starting it.
Oh! Let me get that for you.
I'll just edit that part out.
Mmm-hmmm?
Oh, no, no, I'm sorry, but perhaps they can help you at the ticket counter.
Where're you headed?
Oh well, I'm just going to finish up my sherry, and then I'm off to.... I'm going to Mexico!
It's uncanny! What hotel are you staying at?
Why, that's where I'm staying! You're scaring me!
May I ask how old you are?
Well, hang on, Jimmy. Your parents are going to be stupid for another seven years.
I salute your optimism. We'll be right back after this.
Oh god, Roz. A teenager who's embarrassed by his parents? I mean, please. Can't you come up with something a little more challenging for me?
Oh, Rudy the Crier. Oh God. He's been on three times in the last month. You put him on again, he won't be the only one who's crying. God, I'm in a dry spell. Where are the souls in genuine torment? The people teetering on the brink of genuine despair?
Well, perhaps you're right. Oh, Roz, I've got a question I'd like to ask you.
Have you ever had a recurring dream of an intimate nature about someone... oh, a... well, a co-worker?
Oh, Roz!
Roz, not you!
Oh, I'm not going to go into the specifics.
Look, I'm not gonna do this!
Forget I even mentioned it.
Gil?
Really?
Uh... no, thank you, Gil. I'm on a diet.
Oh, no no no... I really don't! Off you go. Bye-bye.
What?
I never said that!
Oh, don't be ridiculous!
I am not blushing!
Still not blushing!
Rudy, stop crying. We've gone over this before. What was our agreement about sad movies?
Exactly. Now go get a cool washcloth and try to bring down the puffiness around your eyes. Please... stay away from sad or depressing things... which, at this moment, includes listening to the Dr. Frasier Crane Show. Well, let's shoot it to the news. That's it for today. This is Dr. Frasier Crane. Oh, my God! Well, close the record books. That was just the dullest three hours in the history of the Frasier Crane Show!
That was a commercial! I believe Miss Clairol solved the problem! Well, I'll see you tomorrow. Oh! Oh, Roz... about that dream I mentioned to you earlier... uh... this goes without saying, but I'd rather you didn't share that with anyone else.
I hate you! Couldn't keep your big mouth shut, could you? Just exactly when did you find the time to spread the news?
All right, look, Bulldog... before you start to ridicule me, yes, yes I had a dream about Gil. And yes, it had some erotic elements, but... You have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about, do you?
Look, let's just forget it. What delightful little jibe did you have prepared for me?
I'm on a bus to Hell.
Just tell me when the story ends.
Sorry, Niles. I'm just a bit distracted today. You see, this morning, a... a man from my building approached me with a very intriguing problem. It seems he's been having a recurring dream.
Oh, all right! It's been tormenting me. I haven't been able to sleep in weeks now. It's a bit hazy but... it starts out in a seedy motel room. I'm naked.
Yes, well... I roll over and discover on my forearm a tattoo: the word "Chesty."
Then the shower turns off and out from the bathroom steps... a man. All right, go ahead, let me have it!
Please? We're both too intelligent to waste time on the obvious interpretation.
Would you stop? It's obviously screaming for a Jungian interpretation. The sexuality in the dream is surely symbolic of some deeper, non-sexual conflict.
Well... you must be new here. I surely would have remembered such a pretty face as yours.
Right. We're fine. Bye-bye. I'm just baffled, Niles. Obviously, Gil Chesterton explains "Chesty" but little else.
God, must we?
Uh... a crescent-shaped lamp.
Niles! This is my dream!
You were three words away from a cigarette!
All right.
Crescent... croissant... butter... apricot jam... hunger... food... diet! My God, I've been on a diet. Do you think that's useful?
Just wait a minute. Gil is a restaraunt critic - a gourmet. Perhaps he's symbolic of the food I've been denying myself.
Yes, and most vulnerable to the way society "tattoos" us with labels about our appearance! God, that's it, Niles! The dream is simply telling me that I've been too rigid about my diet!
Yes, the dream will have served its purpose.
Oh, God, Niles. I've nailed it all right. I really have. Finally, for the first time in weeks they'll be no tequila bottles, no tattoo, no half-naked man in my bed. So then, the Rabbi says...
The answer has got to be in there somewhere!
Moving on.
Nothing.
No, no, no... don't want to bore Dad with the details of this particular dream.
Niles, this is not a dream I wish to share with Dad, thank you very much.
Oh, Dad... Would you mind listening to my dream to see if it conjures up any memories from my childhood?
Please, Dad. I wouldn't ask if it weren't really bothering me.
All right... it starts out in a little motel room. I have a tattoo on my arm - "Chesty"...
Yes. Then out from the bathroom steps a... All right, now before I continue, let me remind you that this is a dream. Not to be confused with reality. Out from the bathroom steps a man... -eating lion!
Thank you, Dad.
Yes, Dad.
Yes, Dad.
Niles, you gossipy fishwife!
What the hell.
Insane?
That Dad can interpret the looks from his dog and has only the spottiest recollections of our childhoods?
Niles, are you saying that the dream could have been about mother?
I suppose I could have misread the tattoo. Yes, yes... this freckle pattern here on my arm could be mistaken for a "C."
But who's to say he didn't?
Did you ever have a nickname for Mother?
Dad, this is really important!
I'm sure there's a delicious anecdote behind each one those. But did you ever call her "Hesty"?
Oh, come on, think, man! Even once! Once, in all the years you lived together?!
Really?
Oh, thank you Dad! Well, there it is! I must have heard him call her "Hesty" once and neatly tucked it away into my subconscious.
Yes, yes... only I was so frightened by my sexual urges to be with my mother that I transformed her into a man! Oh, what a relief! I've been wringing my hands over nothing. I mean, it's okay. All I want to do is have sex with my dead mother!
Mom? Mommy?
No. Frankly, I'm sort of afraid to go back to sleep. It's that damn dream again.
I'm sorry, Dad, I wasn't completely truthful with you before. The dream is really about me in a motel room with a male companion, Gil Chesterton.
Dad, please, I'd really like to discuss this!
Dad, please...
Dad...!
Look, I really want to talk about this! I've exhausted every other possible interpretation of this dream. Is it possible my subconscious is trying to tell me something about my sexuality?
Is it? I was sensitive as a child; I didn't go in for sports. God, it's every cliche in the book. Surely it must have occurred to you at some point? You refused to take me to see "West Side Story" on my eighth birthday.
Even gangs that dance?
I suppose you're right.
What a tragedy that would be.
Oh, I don't know. I just haven't had any really interesting calls lately. I'm beginning to question whether I'm not bored with psychiatry.
That's true. The one saving grace about this dream is it's given me a chance to flex my analytical muscle a bit.
Wait a minute. Could that be what this has been all about? I've been so intellectually unchallenged lately by my show that my mind had to create a dream that defies interpretation just to give me a challenge?
Dad, no... that's got to be it! My show hasn't provided me with a single patient worthy of my skills and I had to invent one myself - me! Oh, God! What a relief. At last, finally, to bed. Dad, you've witnessed an epiphany!
Off we go. To sleep, perchance NOT to dream.
Oh, my goodness! It's quite an honor!
Oh, that's very flattering. You know, there are so many things I'd like to ask you!
Like a dreary fog on a Scottish moor.
Well, I certainly hope his tailor can fix the two holes you’ve just burned in his jacket!
Yes, not to mention the convenience of getting your "BigFoot" pizza right next door.
You know Roz, I would have thought that the gentleman over there with the flannel shirt would have been more your type.
Niles, that man across the street at the newsstand. Is that who I think it is?
It’s T.H. Houghton!
Just think back to the picture on the dust cover of "Time Flies Tomorrow." A little older, greyer.
Nothing. That’s the crux of his entire legend. The man published one masterpiece and in the thirty years since he’s become a virtual recluse.
Niles, this is incredible. The man’s entire life is shrouded in mystery and there he is.
Niles, she happens to be right. How often do we get an opportunity like this? Come on. Let’s go.
Dad, come on. We’re going.
Come on. Let’s go.
Niles, I thought you said you saw Houghton come in here.
I did! Well, I’m sorry.
Dad, Dad. Please. We can’t waste time.
Right.
Well thank you, Mr. False Alarm. Oh, look. There he is over at the yoghurt store. Oh look. There he is at the futon store. Oh look. There he is with Dad.
Aren’t you afraid it will sound just a bit unoriginal?
Because I’m going to say it first.
Now, now. Don’t take it so hard. Who was to know you’d be so sensitive?
Not now, I don’t have the time. I’m sorry. Dad, do you realise who you were just talking to? That was T.H. Houghton.
Dad, virtually nothing is known about this man. Can’t you give us something specific?
He told war stories?
How could you?
Not books, Dad. Book. Book. He wrote one book and then never wrote again.
Can you imagine the torture the man’s endured to peak at such an early age?
Not just any doodle. It’s a Houghton doodle. It’s mine.
Dad, what do you care?
Well that’s very touching. Here Niles, this is for you.
Yes. It was so refreshing to see a sad peach.
Kind of a peach herself, wasn’t she?
What the hell was he doing here?
This from the man who spent thirty minutes looking at "Woman with a rectangular head."
No, Daphne. Could you explain to me just how T.H. Houghton ended up in my apartment?
He was here all afternoon?
He spent time with Eddie?
Will the madness ever end?
Oh, well I doubt it. He’ll probably run into J.D. Salinger and Salman Rushdie – go out for Margaritas. You know, Niles, these near misses are just excruciating.
Was that him?
Hold the elevator!
Don’t you dare gloat, you miserable little biscuit whore!
Afternoon, Daphne.
You serious? He’s coming back?
Oh right, right. This is incredibly good fortune. I finally get to spend some time alone with the man, even if just for a few minutes.
Daphne, be a dear and stall Dad, will you? If he gives you any trouble just hide his cane.
Niles! What fortuitous timing. Er... you know the wine shop just called a moment ago? It seems they’re down to their last two cases of the ’82 Chambolle-Musigny, so why don’t you dash right down there and stack it all up?
No.
Oh, all right. He’s on his way. He and Dad are going to a baseball game. It’s a double header. They play two games!
Oh, that’s a splendid idea.
Well, then perhaps he could come by after the game for a drink.
Houghton has a new book?
Did he say anything about it? The characters? The setting?
Dad – you’re not dumb. You miss the point entirely! Look, let’s just say, for example, you came home one afternoon and I was sitting here discussing literature with... oh, I don’t know. Give me the name of a baseball player.
No, a real one!
No No Nanette!
Yes.
Well, actually as a matter of fact I have.
Yes.
Oh my God!
Wait!
We shouldn’t.
Could we live with ourselves if we didn’t?
Oh, stop it, Niles. Who are we kidding?
"The Chameleon's Song," by T.H. Houghton.
Fine, go.
All right, Niles. Shall we?
Good point. Let’s begin with the lighting.
Good!
No, Niles. Wine might dull our faculties. Perhaps instead a slow sipping cordial would be the proper garnish.
Armagnac.
Ooh!
I don’t think you’re there yet.
Well... it’s a masterpiece.
Eddie, please! I’m trying to savour the moment.
Dad. Dad, we’re sorry.
He’s back on the Cartwrights again. You know, some day we really should ask him just who the hell they are? You know, Niles, one thing just really bugs me. Houghton is going to leave here today thinking we’re just a couple inarticulate simpletons.
We’ll go down in history with the same baboon who first read "Hamlet" and told Shakespeare "My goodness. What a parchment turn!"
Yes, yes. We could still say something to show him that we appreciated the full complexity of his work.
Well, we’ve destroyed a man’s life.
Well, you know on the other hand, had he actually published it the critics surely would have noticed that Dante parallel.
Oh God, yes. With his fragile ego he would have been completely devastated.
You know, Niles... we saved that man’s life.
Don’t go there!
So I decided it was time I got to know some of my colleagues in the media.
They've never held one in Aspen before!
Oh, good one. I can always count on you for some witty retort.
Damn, you are perceptive.
Oh, all right. Listen, Niles – I'd like you to do my show for me for the week I'm gone.
Please. Please, Niles. Look, I'm begging you. The station wants to replace me with Helen Grogan, better known as Ma' Nature. She does a gardening show and I'm just a little worried that a week of discussing well-rotted manure will weaken my listener base.
Very well. You leave me no alternative but to call in my marker.
Oh, I think you know.
I would.
I will.
I don't recall there being any statute of limitations. I distinctly recall that when you asked me to go out with Maris's sister, you said that you would owe me one forever.
Oh? Shall I refresh your memory? Midway through the opera her ermine muff began to tremble. As it turned out she had used it to smuggle in her adorably incontinent Chihuahua. Just as I thought we'd reached the low point of the evening I suddenly felt a sandpaper tongue licking my earlobe. Alas it did not belong to little Hervé! Fortunately my shriek coincided with the on-stage murder of Gondolfo! Roz will expect you on Monday at two.
Did I mention she had a cold that night?
Oh my God... breathtaking.
All right, all right, Niles, all right. It's the penthouse unit, fourth from the left.
We're simply admiring a very rare Brancusi armchair, not a naked woman.
Daphne? Could we hasten to the post-potato portion of the dialogue?
Oh, no, no, never mind about that. Expressing our emotions is always beneficial, even if it does come at the expense our pride and a very expensive brand-new Italian silk jacket.
You know, I don't seem to be doing much good here. Why don't one of you give it a try?
It's what she does!
Brandy, Niles?
What?
You're serious about this?
Niles, before you do anything this rash, you should consider it first from all angles.
I'm just not sure this is the right moment for this.
Niles, I just think that you should consider Daphne's state of mind. She's still reeling from her breakup with Joe. Listen, why don't you give it one more day?
A day. Just one day, please! You've waited this long, another day won't make a difference.
Dr. Roz wades in with the "Gabor approach" to therapy!
Oh, thank you, Roz.
Oh, Daphne, nonsense. You know, after three years, you're really a member of the family.
It's what she does!
Eddie, I believe that question was directed at you.
Thank you, Dad, but frankly I'm quite satisfied with the likes of Pavorotti's Pagliacci. You have your big man in the paint, I have mine.
Niles.
Either your boutonniere is way over the top, or you're here to execute last night's plan.
You don't care?
Yes, well, as I said to you at the time you tried to jump out of the tree house with an umbrella, "I suppose you know what you're doing."
Hello? Oh, just a second, please. Dad, is Daphne in her room?
For God's sake, I can yell! Would you hold, please?
Rodney?
How flattering. They've named a bar after her.
I'm sorry, Niles, I really am. I don't know what to say.
Niles, really — a singles bar? Please, you're not thinking clearly. That's not exactly your arena, is it? Listen, why don't you just give it a day and think it over... Here, let me dial that for you.
No, I'm not.
It's time he learned what it's like to be stared at all the time. Bring it on, Buster, you got nothing. You can't touch me, I'm — Gaah! It's like his eyes turned into sorcerer's pinwheels and started spinning!
It's so nice to finally meet you.
Oh, I'm fine, it's just — oh, here are your tickets.
Say, have you got time for a coffee before you go?
Splendid! Gives me a chance to debut my Limoges coffee set — a series of six unique cups, each one representing a different wife of Henry VIII. My antique dealer just found an "Anne Cleves" to complete the set!
She seems very nice.
Shouldn't you make a beeping noise when you back up like that?
Well, coffee will be ready in a moment.
Would, uh, you like a coffee?
I think maybe we should put a little red mark on the real Niles so we can tell them apart!
You can't possibly be mad at me!
Let's serve our guests their coffee!
Here we are, coffee. Milk's on its way, Niles is still steaming.
Anne Boleyn?
Oh, for heaven's sake, Niles. You don't take my calls, you ignore me. For God's sake, it's the behavior of a pouting adolescent. Are you quite finished now? You put gum on my chair, didn't you?
Niles, listen: I am terribly sorry if I steered you wrong. But just think about it. You do have a wonderful new woman in your life now, don't you?
And Adelle does make you very happy, doesn't she?
Well, then, if you've ever taken any of my advice before, take this: Adelle may very well be the path to your happiness.
But let's say I'm wrong...
Mmm.
Niles, uh... look.
Niles! Whatever you do, do not engage him in a physical fight. The whole thing would just look too weird!
Rodney... Adelle.
You know, there's just one thing I'd like to ask you, Rodney: do you have an older brother?
Spooky.
All right, now, when you mist the plants, make sure that the water is not too cold. I know I'm harping on and on about this, but I know you're not used to dealing with delicate flowers.
I'll leave you our number at Niles's cabin, in case anything goes wrong. Oh, yes, and by the way, I frown on overnight guests.
No, no, Daphne's decided to spend a traditional Thanksgiving with her transvestite Uncle Jackie.
Yeah.
Hello? Yes, Lilith. Yes, Lilith. Yes, Lilith.
OK, you tell Frederick I said "Bravo!" Frederick just passed the qualifying exam for the Marbury Academy!
"Some-school?" Oh, Dad, please. The Marbury Academy is the most exclusive private school in all of Boston.
Lilith and I have to be interviewed by the headmaster. He's got such a busy schedule, he's agreed to see us on Thanksgiving morning. Now this, of course, changes our plans.
Of course you do. We'll move our whole Thanksiving celebration to Boston. I'll call the airline.
So the rabbit said to the bear, "No, no, I said 'oedipal,' not 'edible!'"
Hello, Lilith.
Oh, well, happy Thanksgiving to you, too. Well, there Frederick. Now, Mommy and Daddy have to head off to this meeting, then I'm all yours. Meanwhile, why don't you head off upstairs and show Grandad and Uncle Niles your brand-new computer.
My God, are you half as nervous as I am?
We have got to master our nerves. It is vital that we appear to be well-adjusted, responsible parents. Lilith, do you still keep the Valium with the contraceptives?
I'll assume you meant the Valium.
Perhaps we could find the appropriate kitchen tool to ratchet down that butt of yours a notch or two!
You're right, of course. We've always had our differences but we've been able to put them aside for the welfare Frederick.
Not counting our divorce.
Well, we're off.
All right, now, Freddie. Mommy and Daddy are going to see you're wearing a Marbury blazer or die trying.
Yes.
You know, Lilith, there's just one question I wished we'd answered differently.
Remember when he mentioned that Frederick was being courted by other schools? I wonder if we shouldn't have made it clear that Marbury is far and away our first choice.
Well, you know, you're right, you're right, of course. I'm sure everything's fine.
Well, you see, that is my worry.
Oh, Lilith, stop, stop. Remember what happened when the senator called. We need a ruse.
And while we're looking for it, we casually mention that Marbury is Frederick's first and only choice.
Let's go.
You started us down that path of insanity. Golda Meir. Golda My-ass!
Yes, yes. Wait a minute. Oh, my God we're such fools! Don't you see what the man was trying to tell us? He was trying to give us the way to get Frederick accepted.
What else?
In a minute, Frederick. My God, it was right there in front of us and we missed it, we didn't even see it.
Well, we should get ourselves back down there and give the man what he wants.
Well, I think "friends" is probably stretching it just a tad.
Yes, well, I'm sure you'll understand as parents yourselves, it's only natural to wish only the very best for your son.
Well, yes, thank you very much for trying to cheer us up, but I mean, if you're looking for filet mignon, you can hardly swallow ground chuck.
Very well, Dad. The next time we go to see a Jean-Claude Van Damme movie, not only may you pay for the tickets, but also for the wild horses it will take to drag me there!
Yes, only that bullets are useless against the man who can kick really high!
Okay.
Yes, Dad, with all the subtlety Mr. Van Damme displayed when he jet-packed into the Vatican to subdue that nasty Pope imposter!
Honestly, Niles, by calling her so many times you give her all the power. You're much better off coming from a position of strength!
What?!
Oh, yes. The one I wasn't invited to but my Waterford punch bowl was!
Well, couldn't you ask her to postpone?
Ah, the perfect marriage of subject and medium!
You know Niles, for a separated couple still hoping to reconcile I'm afraid you're going down a path...
Oh, I see. Is that your clever way of telling me I'm dispensing unwanted criticism?
Oh my God – I just remembered. We have reservations at Le Cigare Volante tonight!
Oh dear Lord, it's rather busy. Let's keep our fingers crossed. Francois!
Wine list? My God, he ought to bring us blindfolds. I mean, what is he thinking with this artwork? It's appalling!
The little white lies one will tell for a good table. Of course I would compliment a black velvet Elvis right now if Chef Wakim's lobster comfit were at stake!
Oh really, Niles. Why don't you just reschedule your party?
All right.
What are you talking about?
Look, Dad – it's just that I'm not that comfortable ordering an expensive meal when you're paying.
I can afford it! I'm sorry. I didn't mean that the way it sounded. I know how you feel.
Dad!
Actually, tonight's dinner is on Dad.
Well, I'm not paying.
Will you be savouring us with any English delicacies tonight?
Even Hannibal Lecter couldn't keep that woman's cooking down!
So she's not really sick?
Oh, no, no, no Dad. It was my fault. I should have been more gracious.
I understand. I tell you what. Next three dinners are on you.
My God – I haven't seen him this excited since he got that four-in-one remote control!
Dad, this is awfully, awfully...
Yes, yes, the fireplace. That's the first place I thought of too!
Well, Greg, two possible diagnoses come to mind. Either you are seriously mentally ill and you should be institutionalized immediately, or you are a first-year psychology student!
Yes, well, it's not uncommon for students to feel that they're manifesting symptoms that they are studying. It'll pass.
Well, just relax. Though it might be a good idea to postpone reading about male sexual disorder until after spring break. That's all the time we have for today. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL 780.
Thanks, Roz. Say, Roz, if you're not busy after work would you like, maybe, to get a drink or something? Maybe see a movie? You pick, I'll pay?
I can't, Roz. You didn't see the look on his face when he gave it to me.
Oh yes, many times.
Roz, a hippo cannot possibly be as repellant as a rabid matador killing an epileptic bull!
Continue.
Oh, you mean they broke?
You're right, Roz. Guess I'll just have to tell him this afternoon. Oh, Roz - that crystal vase I gave you three years ago for Christmas... er... you said that was broken in the earthquake?
This year – liquor?
Hi, Dad.
You know, Dad, I was just down in the storage room putting away some boxes and guess what I came across – that smoking jacket I gave you for Christmas last year?
Not shiny, Dad. Silk! I really messed up on that one, didn't I? Buying things for other people – it's so hard sometimes, isn't it?
Oh, no, no, Dad. I don't really care for pastrami. Isn't that funny? You can love something so much and I would find it distasteful? People have different tastes, you know?
Afternoon, Niles.
Three? Yesterday it was twelve, wasn't it?
You know, this vindictive behaviour of Maris's is completely out of line. You know, if you don't want to continue with it you really should call her on the phone. Confront her.
Thank God for the starch in that shirt or there'd be nothing holding you upright!
No thanks, Dad.
Of course. Why?
Dad? Are you sure Niles didn't just hurt your feelings there?
That's very wise. You know, it's important that fathers and sons can be honest with each other. It shows respect. You know I've been thinking, Dad, about the painting. You know, art is such a personal thing? What one person may like, another may not? It doesn't mean one of them is right and the other is wrong.
Well, it's not that I don't like it. It's just that I don't love it. It's not me.
Oh thank you, thank you, Dad. That's such a relief. You know, I was up half the night worrying about it and I just... Dad, are you all right? I didn't upset you, did I? My God, Dad, are you crying?
Yes, you are. Yes, you are – I just saw you wipe your eye.
Dad! I made my father cry!
I'm only crying because you're crying.
I didn't cry when you got shot either.
I wasn't lying.
Dad. Dad, please. Please stop crying. I want to keep it now.
No, no, it is good. It's very good. I love it.
I made our father cry.
Well, I am. I'm the most ungrateful son there is!
Dad.
Don't you think we oughta talk about what happened this afternoon?
Look, Dad. I know you're disappointed about the painting.
Well, you said yourself that it wasn't as easy for you to give me things as it was when I was a kid.
Still, you did put a roof over my head. Sent me to school...
Well...
Dad, Dad, just hang on a second, will you? Do you remember a time when I was six or seven years old? You were getting ready for work, you were getting dressed. I was playing with your badge and you sat me down and you said that it was not a toy. That it was a symbol of something very important. Of integrity and honesty and helping people. Well, from then on, every time I'd see you put on that badge I would think of that.
Be that as it may, I've tried to live up to your example and help other people. I've tried as a psychiatrist to conduct myself with the same integrity that you showed as a police officer. And when I find myself in a quandary as to the proper course of action, I think of you wearing that badge and then I know what I have to do. You gave me that!
Yeah, Dad. Thanks.
My goodness, Dad. I'm speechless. Your ba... ...bow tie!
I don't know what to say.
No, no, no! It's just a surprise, that's all.
Well... I... er...
It's a date!
Hello, Niles.
Goodbye Maureen, and good luck.
Certainly.
Well frankly, so do I. Dad's girlfriend just told me some very big news.
No, no.
Well, judging by the canary feathers protruding from your mouth, I'd say you. What article did you win for?
Very clever, I like that.
Why?
Yes - the hour he spent regaling the table with Little Niles stories.
Ah yes, Sheldon. That troubled little fellow who kept wetting your bed! Well, you know – if you're thinking of excluding Dad from the event your timing couldn't be worse. It's his birthday this weekend.
On top of that Maureen just told me that she's decided to break it off with him.
No, no. She was quite emphatic on that point. She just thinks they have nothing in common.
Yes. Just the other day he was saying that between her police badge and his handicapped sticker they could park anywhere.
Daphne. Thank God you're home first. Listen, I have to warn you.
Dad and Maureen are on a date. It's not going well. She's telling him that she wants to break it off.
It's not a vision. Maureen told me about this, this afternoon. I'm just worried about Dad. We need to do everything we can to help him through this.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, Daphne, Daphne... That'll be fine.
Hi, Dad.
How was your date?
Dad, let me assure you this has nothing to do with your age.
Well, you know Dad, I may be talking out of turn here. But Maureen told me about this.
Yes. She came to me for advice. That's how determined she was not to hurt you. You see, she wanted to make it perfectly clear that her breaking up with you had nothing to do with your age but rather your compatibility. You see, it's not your fault that you don't like the same food, music or movies...
...and she didn't bring this up, did she?
Dad, I'm sorry.
Oh, I feel so terrible. Listen, Dad, I mean, I know exactly how you're feeling right now. But believe me, the pain will pass. It may take some time.
Or not!
Sherry?
Dad - just who is Sherry?
Good Lord. I've been worried all afternoon about Maureen breaking your heart and all along you've been two-timing-
MAUREEN!
Don't mind me, I was just going out... ...to the powder room.
You old fraud!
You made her believe that she'd broken your heart.
Polite? My God, Dad, guilt is a very destructive emotion.
Apparently on a Spillane Fellowship!
Niles.
Not half as excited as he's going to be when he sees these new videotapes: twelve cassettes of the history of World War II!
Well, this year I thought what the hell? Get him something he really wants rather than what I think he needs.
Really? And did my advice prove helpful?
Just once!
Thank you.
So... Dad tells me you two kids met at McGinty's.
Look out, tastebuds, here it comes.
On Broadway?
Just once!
Er... Wow.
Yes, Dad.
Yes, I've been wondering that myself.
Spare me your lame excuses, Niles. We both know why you weren't there.
Colourful as ever. Last night she treated us to a selection from her unpublished volume of Limericks for Lovers. The last several were about a well-travelled man fortuitously named Horatio!
Who is it?
Oh God. But this is our place.
Quick Niles, pull up the ladder. She found our clubhouse!
You're right. Dad has to be politely told that even though he may enjoy her company he has no right to... what's the polite word for inflict?
Me? I have to do this alone? I thought the two of us would sit him down and talk to him...
...both of us.
But Niles, both of us have a problem.
You are a little weasel, aren't you?
What fun! That's coming up soon, isn't it? Maybe you should start working on that little speech.
No, that's all right. We were just leaving.
Well, your little banquet should prove quite amusing. I hope Dr. Geudfreund doesn't aggravate his hernia when he goes underneath the limbo pole!
Well... prepared though you were to abandon me and let me handle all the dirty work alone, I will swallow my resentment, confront him with you tonight and take my share of the heat.
Gotcha!
Evening, Dad.
Something wrong?
Er... you know, Niles told me about what he was going to say to you tonight. And well, I must say that, in his defense, it is an important evening for him and well, let's face it, Sherry can be a bit much.
Well, I don't mean it as a criticism, mind you. Some people like that. But now that Niles has broached the subject I must say that I too find Sherry a bit brassy and flamboyant... He didn't say a word to you, did he?
Oh, knock it off! I see you're still waiting on that spine donor! Dad, there is no reason to belabour this point...
Please understand, Dad, as happy as we are that you've found someone...
All right, Dad, we don't like her.
WAIT A MINUTE! When did you ever make any of the women we were involved with feel welcome?
When did Lilith ever set foot in your house that you didn't make her feel as wanted as a fungus?
There! That is exactly what I'm talking about. Oh, why don't we just face facts? I mean, since when has any of us ever - from Sherry to Lilith to Maris to Diane - has ever been able to pick one woman that the other two could stand the sight of?
I'm sorry, Niles. I've been hogging the floor.
Well, I suppose we could all afford to be a bit more open- minded when it comes to each other's mates.
Hi, Sherry
Don't you look nice? Come on in.
Party on!
Oh, Dad? Lilith mentioned that she was going to be joining Frederick on his next visit. You don't mind if she stays here, do you?
Got me, good one!
I should warn you, I'm hoping for a bumpy ride!
Actually, it's rather an amusing story. You see, I came down to the airport on sort of a blind date with a cello player. Of course, she didn't know it was a blind date, actually, it was all in my head. But, er, so I bumped into you and you said you were going to Acapulco, I thought I might tag along.
Call it Kismet.
See, Kismet!
Really?
You know, it's a little awkward trying to talk like this. Is that seat taken?
At last. I'm Frasier Crane.
It's a pleasure.
Oh, darn! I forgot to order my kosher meal. So sorry. It was lovely meeting you both.
Yes, it is amazing. Not that they didn't have plenty to work with. Oh, by plenty, I don't mean anything referring to... well... ...here, you just stay right here, I'll change seats.
I'm Dr. Frasier Crane from the radio.
Well, I'm assuming that you're off to a photo shoot on the beaches of Mexico.
What's your field?
A model and a scholar. This is the part where I normally wake up.
I know what you're thinking.
Last night, walking along the beach when we kicked off our shoes and looked up at the amazing blanket of stars...
Yes, that too. You're really quite strong.
There's more?! Of course, of course, I was hoping we would.
What is?
What happened between us will never leave this room.
And if there's a God in heaven, neither will we!
Morning, all.
Fine, relaxing.
Sorry?
Roz, just because the last time you went to Mexico you were hit on more than a piñata, that doesn't mean that was the purpose of my visit as well.
That is none of your business!
Did it ever occur to you that I'm merely being discreet? That I actually did meet a woman, I just don't care to broadcast it?
Please! You know, frankly, I don't have time for this nonsense. What I did or did not do on my vacation is none your concern. Don't you have better things to do than just speculate about my sex life?
Ah, is there anything more refreshing after a long flight than a hot soak in eucalyptus sauce and a snifter of warmed "Poir William"!
Oh, yes, lovely.
Ah, well, you know me, dad, I'm not one to kiss and tell.
Why does everyone assume that it's impossible for me to meet a woman?
You know, frankly, I'm sick and tired of everyone's pity. The fact is I did meet a woman down there, a perfectly fabulous woman, we had an utterly romantic weekend.
Well, I'm not at liberty to discuss it.
No! She asked me to be discreet. You see, she's a rather famous supermodel and right now she's going through a break- up with a star football player on the Seahawks. Didn't want any publicity, so you see, before I identify her to you, I have to ask you not to ever to repeat this to anyone.
Her name is Kelly Easterbrook!
I thought so, yes. We were inseparable the entire weekend.
Oh, yes.
I've got a picture of her, I'll be right back.
Here she is.
Yeah, yeah, she's in lots of magazines and billboards too. And now she's my girlfriend.
Well, I'm off to bed. I didn't get much sleep over the weekend, you know what I mean!
Hello. Kelly. Hi, gee, I didn't know you were back in town. Er, I'd love to. Right, well, I'll see you there, in what, half an hour? Okay. Well, yeah, me too. Bye.
Actually, I'm dashing off to "L'Escalias" for a late lunch with Kelly.
She just called, she came up early from a modeling assignment in Hawaii, I suspect to see you-know-who.
Yes, Dr. Crane. Listen, I need my usual table in about twenty minutes. Oh yes, and chill your finest bottle of Pouilly Fuissé. Well, modeling those swimsuits, she works up quite a thirst!
You look wonderful.
Here, here, sit. I ordered some appertisers.
Is everything alright?
Well, of course I'm disappointed, but we'll do it again sometime.
Great, okay.
I'll keep my fingers crossed, here's hoping your eggs are still fertile.
Well, mystery solved, off you go.
Is something the matter?
You seem to be awfully persistent, but you know, I just may join you. My date cancelled at the last moment.
Fantasy?!
My God, you actually believe that I invented this relationship!
I did not come back empty-handed, I came back with two huge handfuls! Kelly was just here. She was called away on an emergency.
No. She only models to raise money for her real interest: zoology. She's a PhD candidate and she raises iguanas. The incubator broke and her eggs were in danger, and it was vital that only she transfer them over... Oh, the details are not important. The fact is that I'm having a relationship with this woman!
I knew one day you would throw that back in my face!
Kelly.
Hi.
Oh, it's all right. Do you have time to come in?
Well, I hope you didn't put them all in one basket.
Thank you. Can I interest you in a glass of Beaujoulais Nouveau?
All right.
Well, that does deserve a toast.
Nor will mine!
Two months?
Well, I'll be here when you return. We'll always have one incredible night to look back on fondly.
No, I'm sorry darling, it's just one night; Saturday night, then of course Sunday, you were...
Oh. Right, right.
Nothing, nothing.
I don't hear anything?
Absolutely not! This is... it's your going away present. Bon Voyage.
Oh, no, Kelly, Kelly, listen, please, you don't understand.
All right. You know, you think being a professional model, you might be a little more relaxed about somebody taking your...
Kelly, don't you think we should talk about this. I won't see you again for two months!
Kelly!
No!
No!
No, no, just my immediate family!
Kelly!
Kelly! Kelly.
Oh, you missed her again. She's running down the stairs, you can catch her if you still want to.
Don't patronise me!
Oh, look, look, TWO wine glasses!
I AM NOT CRAZY! I am dating a supermodel zoologist, who I stole away from a professional football player, and she is off to the Galapagos islands to artificially inseminate iguanas! Is that so hard to believe?!
Well, what do you think of me now?
Yes, and what is a spongy biscotti but an unwelcome trespasser into Madeline territory?
Yes, your ability to cheat death at every turn never ceases to amaze.
Yes, sorry Niles. You know sometimes you just find yourself getting restless?
The Three Tenors?
Oh. How's it look on you?
Again, like Maris!
Thank you Niles, it's... perhaps you can run along to the wine club on your own tonight.
Well, it'll just be the same old faces rehashing the same boring topics.
I'm sorry, I don't think so. You know, I just feel like being on my own tonight. You don't mind, do you?
Well maybe we ought to play that by ear as well.
You're not upset, are you?
Yes, the ideal buffet for a group of heavyset men over sixty! I assume everyone's ready to order.
I heard you, dad. I'm just trying to figure out what I'm going to do with myself this evening. My old routine doesn't seem to satisfy me anymore, I'm trying to think of something new. Oh, I know - maybe I could join you and the guys for some cards, eh?
Why not? Roz is playing!
Oh, if that's the criteria, I'm sure I could tell you a tale or two which would make you blush like a school girl.
Why not, Roz? Don't look so surprised. 'Sides, there's nothing I enjoy more than a good old-fashioned night with the guys.
Perfect.
Sounds good.
Like a Bedouin in a sandstorm!
I'm out!
Well, that was a bust!
That's ludicrous... it's Angie Dickinson.
No, no, go ahead.
Oh, dear!
Just stop right there. I think by now you'd know my policy on fix-up's.
So you do know my policy. Off we go!
You point her out and I will!
Hope he's talking to you.
My, she's everything you said she was...
And more!
Oh hardly. If not for you I would have missed seeing the World's Most Nauseating Couple defend their title.
No, no, you go talk with your friend; I'll have a drink.
Sure.
Well, funny, I've been asking myself that same question all day, it seems that lately my life...
Daphne, come and sing a song with us!
Oh, you're not shy about singing in the house.
Yes! She's my dad's health care worker.
No! Only if her robes aren't stitched up tight enough!
Good evening, Daphne. Wow, you look smashing!
What, to the "Fox & Whistle"? I'll go with you! Let me just grab me mack and me brolly and Bob's your uncle!
That's tomorrow night. Gee, I hope Winston's at the pub - I owe him five quid from the other night!
Oh, really? I hope it's not that flu that's going around.
Yes, yes, that's probably for the best. You've got to be careful what you bring down to the pub with you.
Hello, Niles.
Something the matter?
How so?
Oh, my!
Oh, dear!
Well, that's tomorrow night, Niles.
Oh, no.
Well yes, there's a billiard tournament at the pub tonight.
Yeah well, my partner, Terrence has agreed to skip a family wedding just to participate - I can't leave him in the lurch. Isn't there somebody else who could take my place?
Oh, Niles! You can't stay mad at me, I promise I'll make it up to you. Press for the lift, won't you? Don't look at me that way, that's what they call it!
By all means, Daphne. Oh, Winston, let's have one of these pints for Miss Moon, please. Oh, this is a really nice surprise, Daphne, you must be feeling better. Here we are. You make a toast.
Well, I guess "here's mud in your eye" sounded mean the first time too!
Daphne, I'm so sorry.
No, no, not at all. You know, back in Boston I had a bar like this one, I certainly understand what it's like to have a place where you can get away. So, we've just got one solution: This is your bar, I'll just go.
I've only been coming here a week - you've got a history here!
Yes, I'll just settle up and go.
A month?
You've only been coming down here for a month?
Yes, well there's certainly no way I'm leaving now!
Daphne, this bar has filled up a void in my life. I'm not just going to throw that away just because you beat me here by a fortnight!
Darts?
Oh I don't know. It's decisive, better than standing around here bickering.
Well, it's not mine either.
You shoot first, Daphne. You know, I'm rather proud of us: two people in conflict, we've found a civilised way to settle it.
Oh, my!
Quite good.
Daphne, If I didn't know better, I'd think you were trying to hustle me!
A game or two? You've just made about the most difficult shot on the board!
Come to think of it, there might have been a dart board in that bar in Boston...
Yes, who would have guessed those hands are so skilled. Certainly no one who's sampled your corned beef hash! Ha! I score again!
You don't want to rush this. A lot riding on this shot.
Oh, really? This from a woman who made armpit noises during my last round!
I am so sorry, Daphne! Now all I have to do is make this relatively simple shot - unless of course you'd like to concede defeat.
Oh really, then I suppose you're not acquainted with that little spat we refer to as the Revolutionary War!
What exactly should we feel inferior about, your pioneering work in the field of soccer hooliganism?!
Oh yes, you've really bested me there, what could be more dignified than a dainty old sandbag who wears a flowerpot on her head! I win! The bar is mine!
Hello, Niles.
Actually, that scene has grown tiresome, and I... I miss this place.
You don't have to rub it in. Anyway, I know I owe you an apology for the other night so, here. I've brought you a peace offering.
You're going to love it! The choice is particularly moving, and Janet Baker's Act Three aria is...
Oh, good, Dad's kicking me out of the house that night so he and Sherry can have a little party. Oh, I don't know. Life really is a circle, isn't it? I'm letting Dad use my place for his friends to get together, and just a few years ago it would have been Dad who'd have to leave his house for my parties.
What on earth would leave a ring around his underwear drawer?
Yes, we're going to hear what Mendelssohn's "Wedding March" sounds like on the banjo!
Well, there's nothing we can do, Niles. It's what Dad wants.
Well, I suppose she'll want us to call her "mother." No, that's too formal. "Mama"... no, "Ma!"
What about you?
Oh, Daphne, of course not. He'd be lost without you.
My, my, my, quite a little shindig you two are planning for tonight. We have the cheese logs, the erotic fortune cookies. For after dinner, a bloopers tape: "Too Hot For Hee-Haw."
When you say all night-?
Well, you know, you're going to need some room for those corn nuts, why don't I just get this pesky priceless sculpture out of your way!
Well, that is just crazy!
I have no idea, we have nothing to do with it. Do you really think that we would hire someone to spy on Sherry? My God, I'm insulted!
You most certainly have!
It's all right, Dad.
You hired a detective, how could you?!
Niles!
She makes Dad happy, that's all we need to know.
Yes, well, Cousin Donald is a very rare case. First, most people don't have a hidden past; and second, most people have a better eye for details than Cousin Donald. For God's sake, the woman could pick up a watermelon with one hand!
Well, stop it. Call it off right now, Niles.
All right.
Yeah. Goodbye.
Thank you. You see that, how sweet she is? My God, I can't believe you're actually having that woman investigated. You know, try to have a little trust in people!
Yes, you can play along now.
Hello, Niles.
Certainly. How do you do?
There now, don't you feel better?
You have to admit, I was right on this one. There was absolutely no justification for giving into your baser instincts of prying in Sherry's past.
I see your point. I hate myself for what I'm doing.
Oh, so far, so good: graduated from high school; almost paid off her Subaru; you know she's been married.
There were two others. Ned Foley, Mark Wallace...
...Vincent Mayhew, Guiltham Mandel, Waltz...
Six that we know of. God, you had to go and fire that detective before he finishes reporting!
Yes, she's obviously incapable of remaining in a relationship. That doesn't bode well for the marriage, does it?
But we already told him we weren't involved in the investigation, we can't just tell him now we were lying!
And how would that go? Oh, Dad, you going to the Sherry Ex-Husband Convention this year? Besides that, you know, Dad may know everything already.
Who's that?
You know, Dad, I was talking with a lady today down at the café and I happened to mention that I'd been married twice before, and a look clouded over her face as if I'd confessed to some unspeakable sin!
You know, Dad, I think it harkens back to the puritanical streak that still runs through this country. What do you think?
That'd make a good topic to discuss on my show. Niles, you know the hurdles that are faced by people with multiple marriages.
No, I don't.
How about you, Dad?
Really? You do.
Well, that was fruitless!
Yes?!
Yes, but we still don't know what he knows.
You know, Dad, I'd love to see that first shirt with the second jacket.
All right, I guess there's no use denying it. Yes, yes, we did hire him. Although the word "we" is not entirely accurate.
Oh, shut up, Niles! Look, Dad, we were just concerned about you. We know about the engagement ring.
Right now, pointing fingers is not going to do us any good.
She did it!
Yes, who'd have guessed that something so innocent as spying on a man's girlfriend and rifling his underwear drawer can turn so ugly!
Stop stalling, Niles! Dad must be on the elevator by now!
I do not want to know about it.
No, no, Daphne. I should do that. It will give me an excellent opportunity to show him just how happy I am that he's marrying Sherry.
Yes. I just can't figure out why he would propose in a place like McGinty's! It seems like such a shabby setting. Well, I guess he was just trying to match the ring.
Dad, Dad!
I'm glad I've seen you.
Dad, Dad, I've got something that I think you might like to have before you tell Sherry whatever it is you want to tell her.
He has? Well, that is just wonderful and may I say, it's about time! I couldn't be happier for you.
I'd like you to know that everybody is one hundred percent behind this decision - my God, we're all so excited.
Breaking up? I had no idea.
Hi, Dad. The only reason I came down here was to bring you this. Obviously I made another colossal blunder in a week full of them. I'm really sorry, Dad. I guess you don't really feel like talking.
Fine, I can do that.
Sure. So the, er, Sonics and the, er, Bulls. That Jordan, he's really something, huh? Yeah. The way he scores those points and gets the ball back when the other team misses... Wow! That's incredible. He made the same impossible shot twice in a row!
Really?
I'm sorry, Dad.
It's hard to find that out, Dad. I've been trying for a while.
Well, Dad, in time.
Well, that was quite a shot!
What's the score here, anyway?
Can I have a beer here, please?
And Rosemary's Bebe.
Mmm-hmm. And before you drop another gossamer hint, let me tell you that my feelings about you haven't changed.
Oh, really, and what pathetic do-gooder have you lured into your web now?
Oh, dear God.
You signed with Bebe?
I'm not going to give you a lecture. You're entitled to choose whoever you wish to represent you. Someone who's honest, or a woman whose ethics would've raised eyebrows in the court of Caligula!
Yes, it's high time the little slacker started pulling his weight!
Oh, hello, Niles.
Good Lord, not again. What happened to Dr. Prescott?
What's her problem with him?
Well, some therapists can be rather blunt and hard-hitting. What did he say?
You know Niles, if you fire every therapist who finds fault with her, you're never going to make any progress.
Good! You know, sometimes there's nothing more rewarding than sticking to a principle. Case in point, you know, my contract's coming up, and, uh, well, Bebe Glazer's been angling to negotiate my new one. Anyway, I could've done the easy thing, said yes, taken the money and run, but instead, I said no, and I found myself a new agent, one who's every bit as smart and also ethical.
That's him now.
Hello, Ben.
I'm glad you made it. Anyway, this is my brother, Doctor Niles Crane.
Well, she would have swerved to hit Mrs. Pavlov! Ben, I'd like you to meet my dad, Martin.
Oh, and this is his home health care worker, Daphne. Daphne, this is Ben, my new agent.
Yes, indeed, you know, Ben just won this year's Seattle Samaritan Award.
Oh, please.
I like the sound of that.
I think it's brilliant! I'm bolstering my bargaining position and also helping out a plucky little zoo! I love this man!
Help yourself.
Oh, why does everybody assume that in order to be an agent you have to be some unscrupulous huckster? It is possible for a good and decent man to be every bit as intimidating as the toughest shark out there.
Well, that's awfully generous of you.
Well, I can see I'm not the only one getting some publicity today.
Oh, Ben, Ben, just a moment, I'd like you to meet some people. This is Bebe and Roz. This is Ben, my new agent.
Scoff all you like, the man is a genius at PR.
Thank you, Mr. Twembly. I suppose it's only appropriate that the zoo has called upon me to introduce you all to its newest resident. You see, he happens to be a relative of mine.
...We're both tall and have distinctive profiles, we've both been known to winter in Mexico, and let's not forget our voices. Is there anything as stirring as the crane's majestic cry?
Dad, are you all right? What's happening? My goodness! What is going on! Oh, I'm sorry! Nothing to be alarmed about! Just a little family squabble!
I can't watch any more of this.
Oh, you weren't hurt that badly! Of course, you wouldn't know that to listen to Toffee. She makes the whole thing sound like a disaster!
Lord, this entire affair's turned into a PR nightmare!
Dad, I'm sorry. Ben had no idea that bird was going to attack you. Besides, there is a school thought that says there's no such thing as bad publicity.
I can't wait to hear.
Now, now, now, Niles, withholding sex may be just as difficult on Maris! She may crumble first!
All right, Niles. You know that my advice was solid.
Thank you. Roz, hello. Yes, what is it?
Yes, well, ah, thanks for the warning, Roz.
Oh, well, it turns out the station manager won't be renegotiating the contracts himself. Apparently he's brought in one of these hired guns stations use to reduce costs. Some fellow nicknamed "The Hammer."
No, Niles, because he loves the lyrics of Oscar Hammerstein!
No, Dad, I am sticking with Ben. Oh, sure, maybe Bebe could use her dark arts to get me a dollar or two more, but, you know, my integrity is worth more than that. Hello, Ben.
Well, uh, fine.
That's the spirit. So you've got some sort of damage-control plan?
Excellent! But you won't be dealing with him. You'll be dealing with this free-lancer they call "The Hammer."
Well, I'm glad to hear that.
So, uh, about your plan.
Dad, I like this idea! It's droll... and self-mocking. It's the perfect way to turn a PR embarrassment into a triumph!
I'm sure you can! I know you're gonna go in there and you're gonna give him hell!
Thank you for the sympathy!
Niles, you can't give in!
The one with the thing on her face?
What can be keeping Ben?
I see what you're doing. You think if I bail out on my principles it gives you an excuse to go crawling back to Maris. Well, I'm not going to do it. Ben may have made some mistakes, but he is a good man, and he's going to make me a good deal!
Oh, Gil! How'd it go with the Hammer?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Well, congratulations, Roz. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm waiting for Ben. We have to discuss our bargaining position.
God, she is obnoxious!
Oh, shut up, you horny idiot! My bandage seems a little loose. If Ben gets here, just tell him I went in to fix it.
Are you aware that you are in the men's room?
Isn't there a zebra carcass somewhere you should be hovering over?
All right, maybe I am scared! But... there is one thing that is stronger than fear! Faith! Faith that a good man with a good heart can make a good deal! Now get out of my way!
Take your tentacles off of me!
Sit down, Niles! I'm still with Ben.
Ben!
It's all right, we've got five minutes.
I'm not listening to any of you! My God, am I the last man on God's green earth that's still willing to stand up for a principle?
Ben, could we have a word?
Uh, listen, I don't think it's news to you that things haven't been going so smoothly with us, and I think I'd feel more comfortable with Bebe. I know this must seem a bit of a shock to you, but, ah-
Thanks for understanding.
You know, I'm holding you to that promise about changing. I won't stand for any more shady doings.
Once you've worked out this thing with the Hammer, maybe you can see what you can do about defusing this bird situation.
Is there any chance it wasn't you?
I can live with that.
Morning, Roz.
Oh, thanks. So, you seem awfully calm today.
Well, during ratings week you're usually rather anxious.
Oh, I never should have mentioned it.
Oh Roz, you do this every year, you convince yourself we'll have a disastrous week with no good callers, but our listeners always come through in the end, don't they?
All right. Hello Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. You know, I was reminded this morning a jaunty aphorism which is credited to the great thinker Spinoza...
...don't get me started on rationalistic pantheism or I'll go the whole three hours! Well, I think it's time we went to the phones. Roz, whom do we have?
Go on then Roger, I'm listening.
Who wouldn't be interested?
Ah, that would be Mrs. Crowley.
Yes well, Daphne, don't be too hard on him. The Crane men haven't had a great deal of success in the romance department lately. We're all a bit gun-shy.
Yes, where would the world be without you Brits and your knack for code-cracking?
Oh, hello Niles.
It's ironic, isn't it? Dad's doing better in that department than either of us.
Oh that's very flattering, Niles...
The words "Krazy Glue" leap to mind.
Which is?
I don't know whether I'd count that as a failing, exactly.
In half an hour? I thought we were going to prepare for your workshop!
Gee Niles, I wonder if that's a good idea...
Fair enough!
You are twenty minutes late.
"Sorry?" This is your group, I've been making small talk with these people for the last twenty minutes. Do you know what small talk is like with people who have a problem communicating? It's tiny talk!
Very well.
If I know these people, they won't hold a grudge. I feel that I do know a great deal about this group. I've spent a good deal of time poring over your case histories. So, let's begin. Mrs. Budinger, I see that you're here alone.
Is there some reason why Dan couldn't join you?
Excuse me?
Sounds promising, why don't we proceed, Janice? How would you respond to what your husband has just said?
He's empathizing with the husband, we call this "empathizing."
Sometimes empathizing involves a bit of dramatic license.
Did I mention that my brother's one of the greatest empathizers in the business?
You know, perhaps now would be a good time to take our fifteen minute break, why don't we? We've had quite a catharsis here - now traditionally it is the patients that make the breakthroughs, but we mustn't be sticklers.
Well, I do, I do, Janice, and please remember, no-one is here to judge anyone else's behavior. What the hell are you doing, you lunatic?!
Schenkman! Why, that contemptible bastard.
I'm so sorry, Niles. Is there anything I can do?
He told you that?
I'm just shocked. Things seemed to be going so well with the two of you.
Well, patients often do believe they've fallen in love with their analysts, it's very common, it's happened to everyone.
Oh, get out of town!
I've never had a patient fall in love with me.
Not even that fat lady who brought me fudge.
Now, Niles, you're not thinking clearly. You're just grasping at straws.
How?! What more could you possibly do?
Niles, just bear one thing in mind...
Sometimes a marriage is just bad, doomed, and no amount of discussion will save it!
Well, then... shall we resume?
No, don't worry, Daphne, that's all right, you have fun. I'll be fine. See you tomorrow, everything will be fine, OK. Oh, Dad? No, he's not even back from his big date yet! Maybe I'll see him in the morning too. Alright... yes, it is a very romantic story. OK, Daphne... Yes, yes, they do make a very cute couple. Anyway... Right, right, Daphne, yes I suppose they do owe it all to you, don't they?
Oh well, there's the door. OK.
Niles? I thought you were talking with Maris.
Oh, I'm sorry, Niles. What happened?
Yes, I remember dabbing Bactine on those Chihuahua bites.
That's a courageous decision. How do you feel?
I'm very proud of you.
Oh Dad, you're back. How did things go with Mrs. Crowley?
I thought she was your date.
Gee, I'm almost afraid to ask this; "how was mom?"
Well, I think we could all use a little something from the bar.
It hasn't been a good day all around.
Well, this may come as small consolation to you, but I believe that you each have a lot of work to do to catch up to me in the failed romance department. Divorced twice, left at the alter once.
Thank you, dad.
It's a natural mistake. Uh, what tipped you off?
Well, I think we have a three-way tie. Here's to the Crane boys - love's big losers.
Oh, now be careful, Niles. You know, from this height that could hurt somebody.
Well, it's Saturday night. And here we are... again.
Well, come and get us, Seattle! Three Cranes, no waiting!
We're ludicrous!
Oh well, good show today, Roz. I particularly thought that—
You know, Roz, maybe it's time you set some limits. Good lord, how hard can it be to say "no" just once? Oh well, look who I'm talking to.
Oh, Roz!
That is a grand prize indeed! I must admit, I'm just a bit envious. Well, listen, I hope you have a wonderful weekend.
Just seems a pity you won't be able to take advantage those ski lessons.
Oh, tons, tons! Just because you can't ski — or for that matter hike, sled, or snowboard — doesn't mean you can't still curl up in by a roaring fire with a nice warm snifter of... oh, sorry.
Breathtaking! I just hope you can endure the four-hour drive up there, and you so carsick these days...
Big-screen TV?
Thank you.
Well, what are you all loitering around here for when you should all be packing?
For the fabulous ski weekend I'm taking us on!
In a manner of speaking. It's a gorgeous ski lodge, and an Olympic champion in residence to give us lessons!
Well, I'm not sure how many bedrooms there are.
Oh well, yes, why not? I mean, what could be more fun than a gung-ho girls' rugby captain?
I will kill you for this!
You filed for divorce a week ago. Can't you wait awhile?
Listen, Niles, if you want to make a fool of yourself with Daphne, that is your affair. But frankly, I will not have you ruin my ski weekend by inviting along this girl that sounds to me like an avalanche risk! I'm going to tell Daphne, no guests!
Well, I hope you're happy. We're stuck with her now.
No need to struggle with that, Annie. I'll be back to help you in a moment. Oh, this place is terrific!
Well, what can I say? I'm a bad driver.
Niles, she is just unschooled, like Liza Doolittle. Find her the right Henry Higgins, she'll be ready for a ball in no time!
Thank you.
Yes, isn't it, though? I mean, look at that vista, it's stunning! Puts one in mind of the Matterhorn, doesn't it?
You're actually going to put butter in the rum?
Good thinking, Dad. After we're done, I'll whip us up a nice batch of pork-nog.
Allow me.
Oh, enough already, my ears are burning!
Hello, Guy.
Oh, you speak French as well?
Well, that should be enough to get you through the weekend.
Yes, it's enough to put ideas in one's head.
Thank you.
Never let it be said that Frasier Crane would permit a lady to go thirsty. Daphne, why don't you see if Dad's finished with that second batch?
Oh, well, thank you, Dad, but actually it's the rum I'm interested in. I think it's just the thing I need to clinch things with Annie.
Says who?
I knew my charms would win her over! My God, I should register this dressing gown with the love police.
Rum's ready!
Thank you, Guy.
She told you that?
No, no, no, Niles, Annie was not flirting with you. She's hot for me.
Oh, please, Niles, you're going beyond the limit that time. You're delusional! Next thing, you'll be telling me that Guy's after you!
Annie, that's a lovely gown.
Mmm, Dad, this batch is even stronger than the last one!
Wise words.
Faint heart never won fair lady.
'Night, Dad.
They must have switched.
Annie?
Goodnight, Niles.
Oh... hello. What were the two of you doing in Guy's room?
Oh, thank you. Uh, how long will you be with Annie?
Yes. I was just delivering it to... Dad. Well, carry on.
Daphne!
I'm sorry, wrong room!
Next room I want, then?
Yes, bye-bye, sorry again!
Guy!
You're not even the sex I want!
Oh, Niles? Company!
You know, much as I'd love to stay and help you two sort this thing out, there happens to be a very beautiful woman on the other side of this door who wants me desperately!
Annie!
I'm sorry! My father told me you were hot for me!
Blame Daphne, she's the one who told him!
Oh, wait, wait, wait! Wait, everybody! Let me see if I've got this straight. All the lust coursing through this lodge tonight, all the hormones virtually ricocheting off the walls, and no one... was chasing me?
See you at breakfast.
Good afternoon, Betsy. I'm listening.
Well, that sounds enchanting.
That's a very powerful image, wouldn't you say so, Roz? Roz agrees.
Well that's all the time we have today. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, wishing you a good day and good mental... AHHH! I'm sorry, someone just walked into the room and frightened me. It's, uh, my ex-wife, so if you're a regular listener you'll know what I'm talking about! I'll see you Monday.
Oh, hello Lilith.
Yeah well, we're past that now, aren't we? Well, what brings you to Seattle?
Oh! And how is Frederick?
Yes, we have. And, uh, Brian?
Yes, yes. So, did you two get that gift basket I sent you for the holidays?
Nothing, I sent her a gift basket, fruits and festive nuts!
Oh, Lilith, oh, I am genuinely sorry.
So you didn't come for the conference?
You know, you really shouldn't be alone tonight. Er, Niles and I are atending a reception at the Union Club, would you like to join us?
You know I'll always be here for you.
Ah, yes - well, em, you'll have to excuse me. I have an appointment, station manager, very important, can't be broken. I'll, em, see you tonight. Bye bye.
Hello, Niles.
Mmm, that bun looks good.
Speaking of buns I could do without, Lilith is back!
Now go easy on her. Her husband has left her, and get this: for a man.
Poor thing, she's obviously devastated - her entire world has been turned upside down. Oh, look who I'm talking to. No one knows better than you how much a messy divorce can leave one...
...strangely relaxed! Niles? Niles!
Am I boring you?
Good lord! When did this start?
Well, obviously Lilith is distraught and she's come to me to help her make sense of the whole thing. I find it just a bit disconcerting.
Well, we have a destructive pattern: whenever she comes to me in need I find her vulnerability highly desirable; against my better judgment we end up in bed and I'm left with feelings of regret.
Oh baby!
Well, I can't! She's joining us at the Union Club tonight.
Come on Niles, it's just a bunch of stuffed shirts talking about their portfolios and prostates.
Give me that! He will call you back. Lord, aren't we a pair: a narcoleptic and a weak-willed sexual obsessive. We're like a couple of brothers out of an O'Neill play!
Hello, Niles. Sherry? I think we have time before Lilith arrives.
It's just to rendezvous, it's all of two minutes.
Alright, she's coming! Both of you suck it up! Lilith has had a devastating week; her husband has left her. The least you could do is show a little compassion, unless you'd like to hide in your rooms because two minutes of polite conversation with a woman in need is too much to ask!
Oh I'm fine, believe me: I'm in complete control!
Oh baby!
No, but if you stand in the light maybe...
Now that we've got the pleasantries out of the way, let me take your wrap.
Yowsa! Oh Lilith, that dress is stunning.
No!
Well... bravo! I can almost feel the curtain rising!
Damn her lily-white hide! She knows what she's doing dressing like that! That woman plays me like a lute – well, I guess you know a thing or two about that! Huh! I've got all the resistance of a horny stag! Niles, you've gotta help me get through this... Niles!
Yes, you fell asleep with your cheek right next to the ice tray!
Niles, I need your help resisting Lilith!
Yes, of course.
Thank you, Niles, that just might do the trick. When it comes to an ugly image, you can't beat a dead horse!
Yes! Let her bat her eyes all she wants to, she can push her breasts up to Canada, I won't budge!
Lilith, are you awake?
Lilith?
Surrendering, Lilith. I'm yours!
Oh please, don't punish me for playing hard to get last night! It took everything I had to resist you.
Oh, who cares?! You're gonna tell me that when you were lying in your bed last night you weren't thinking about me?
Oh, drop the mask, Lilith! We both know why you came to Seattle. We both know why you dressed so enticingly last night.
There's someone in your bathroom?
My Goddess!
Well, let's just take care of this...
Why is the breakfast cart in the bathroom?
Still, food in the bathroom?
Well, this is a little embarrassing. My ex-wife, we're sort of reconnecting.
You never know, it might just work out this time.
Say, listen - while you're still here, why don't you send up an order of Eggs Benedict? There's no reason why she should eat alone.
Now, where were we?
Why not? Lilith, please, we're alone, we're here, you need your Frasier-
What the hell was that?!
Niles!!
My God!
OH MY GOD!
Stop it, Niles! Stop it! Don't tell me how or why, I've just got to get out of here!
I'm in a bathrobe, you jackass!
What? You didn't do anything wrong?!
You're actually defending what you did?!
Well... that is very impressive, Dr. Sternin. But I too happen to be a psychiatrist. Let me tell you what actually transpired. This was a passive-aggressive manifestation your deep resentments towards me. Niles, you were punishing me for my notoriety. You, for my successful adjustment after our divorce. It is this shared bond that brought the two of you to your palace of sweet revenge!
It is not!
I have a right to... Why am I defending myself?!
OK, then... the three of us have certainly analyzed the CRAP out of this!
I don't know.
No, it would be the two of us in a whole different hell!
So, isn't this peachy! Everything's turned out just fine for everyone. You two have solved your problems, the waiter received a handsome tip, Niles and I have matching bathrobes, and looky here! It's not even nine- thirty yet!
Oh, stop it, both of you! Enough! It happened, and I'm just going to have to deal with it. I suppose in a twisted way there is one positive for me in this: you see, Lilith, I have never stopped desiring you - even though we are completely wrong for each other! But now, from this day forward, whenever I look at you, I will see the back of my brother's head! And that is one bucket of ice water, let me tell ya!
Enough, Lilith.
No, we're not... but we will be.
Well, that's all the time we have for this afternoon, Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, wishing you good afternoon, and good mental health.
Absolutely, Roz. Anytime, all you have to do is ask.
Oh, no, no, Roz, I'm just kidding. I love it!
Yes, it looks great.
Trust me.
Gosh, that's my cousin! Nikos! What are you doing here?
Oh, it's great to see you! My God, it's been ages. Oh yes, I'd like you to meet my producer, Roz Doyle.
This is Nikos, my father's brother's son.
Oh, well, he's half Greek. He gets his looks from his mom.
Roz!
You're getting married?
Well, no, it's the first I'm hearing of it!
She must still be nursing that grudge.
Well, thank you, Nikos. Well, I'd certainly hate to miss this wedding. I wonder if there's some way we could work this out. You want to go grab a cup of coffee?
Great!
Oh, Roz, it's rather a long story—
We don't really have the time to into all that right now—
Stop pointing fingers. Why don't we try to solve this problem?
Oh, stop it, Niles! You're just afraid of seeing Cousin Yvonne, aren't you?
Oh, a distant cousin who has a slight crush on Niles.
Forcing you to go elsewhere when you have one of your frequent cravings for stuffed grape leaves and zither music!
No, but I'd like to give it a try. Dad, I think that we should go to this wedding.
But Nikos wants us there! My God, I watched that boy grow up! I want to be there when he gets married!
And we're back! Listen, Dad—
Oh, stop it, Niles. There are more important issues at stake here than you being mauled by Yvonne the Terrible! Dad is hurt, can't you see that? He misses his brother. Well, it's my fault, and I'm going to put it right. I'm going to get in touch with Aunt Zora. Surely she'll listen to reason. Aunt Zora? Well, that's encouraging. She remembered my voice.
No! She can't avoid me if I go down and meet her face-to- face. I'm going to go to that restaurant.
Oh, I'm not afraid of her!
I have never believed that. She would have to have been five years old at the time!
Stop it!
Aunt Zora, I realize I'm not the most welcome person here, but—
It is not fair to take my mistake out on your husband, or my father!
They didn't do anything!
You have a wedding coming up, you should be joyous!
Nikos tells me his fiancée’s a lovely young woman from a wealthy family, that you like her very much!
So your heart should be brimming with motherly emotions!
You know, I've always wanted to do this: make a trip around the Greek Islands!
Aunt Zora, my point is that we are family, and we should be together. And I promise that if you invite us to this wedding, I will never give Nikos another piece of advice for as long as I live.
I'm through meddling, you have my word. And if you do invite us to the wedding, I also promise that I'll promote this wonderful, wonderful restaurant of yours on my radio program.
Every day for a... month?
You forgive me!
Me, too!
Will you stop complaining? The rehearsal went beautifully. Cousin Yvonne didn't even get near you.
Quite right.
Ooh, save some for me Niles!
Yes. How did you meet?
Yes, well, so did Lizzie Borden.
Oh, I can't help thinking that... nothing. Just a bad joke. She seems like a lovely girl.
Crystal?
Yes, it's a good thing you weren't admiring the pork-butt!
Oh, really? How did he manage that?
Oh, now, now, now, Aunt Zora, don't you worry. I made you a promise, and I'd die before I'd break it.
Yes, yes, lovely girl. You must be very proud.
Oh, it's my pleasure, Dad.
Must be here somewhere. Now, did you know that Nikos and Mary-Ann have only known each other for—
Well, this is so exciting! You two must have so much to talk about! Uncle Walt, hello!
It's amazing how you two can pick up right where you left off.
Niles! Do you realize how pathetic this is?
The wedding I'm beginning to think might just be a serious mistake.
I can't! I promised I wouldn't!
Why, no, I haven't.
So, why did you and this Crystal break up? I mean, I'm not meddling, I'm just curious, that's all.
No. I, uh, don't get to street theatre as often as I should.
Yes, well, there's always pressure on the two-career family.
And how did she take the news?
Yes, she's starting to sound like one.
Nikos, I promised your mother that I would never again interfere in your life—
All right, then. In the interests of your future happiness, I feel it's my duty to let you know—
Yes, wouldn't it?
For God's sake, Niles, why don't you just hide in the men's room?
Well, I've been on the phone. I've been trying to contact Nikos's ex-girlfriend.
I am convinced that he's still in love with her, and she with him! I thought if I could get the two of them together he might realize it in time. Niles, I couldn't reach her, she's out working tonight. I had to leave a message with her roommate.
Hello, Yvonne.
Oh, dear God.
Well, all right, I guess a thought or two comes to mind. Well, I've known Nikos all his life, and I'm sure that he realizes marriage is a binding commitment, not to be entered into hastily—
And that it's very important to-to find the person that you're most compatible with. The one who makes you feel happy... purely happy.
Of course, it would be a shame to go through life having to say, "if I'd only waited..."
I just want to make sure that my cousin marries the woman that he truly loves the most.
Her roommate must have reached her on her car phone!
You remember my promise, no more meddling!
No, no, inappropriate! Toast time is over!
No, no, no, no. You know what, everyone, why don't we do some bouzouki dancing?
Why couldn't she have been a mime?
No! Aunt Zora, no! Out of my way!
Oh, heavens, no!
Really? Well, I think you look very attractive with make-up. Not that I'm saying you need make-up, it's that if indeed you are wearing make-up, it's so expertly applied that I wouldn't even know you're wearing make-up... I'm sure it looks like I'm wearing some rouge right now.
Oh, well, Sharon, I'm asked that question a lot and let me tell you, the stark reality is that that situation is fraught with...
... delightful possibilities.
Er, Friday, yes, Friday it is. After the show?
Great.
Bye.
Yes.
Oh, yes, of course, Dr. Webber. Well, welcome to KACL.
Oh, not at all, it was very good, very good indeed. Besides, you know, we'd all gotten a bit tired of the last show that was in that timeslot; "Bert The Backyard Gardener." A woman in her latest crock gave new meaning to the term, "Potting Shed"! Ah, perfect timing, come Clint.
Roz Doyle, my producer, this is Dr. Clint Webber, the new host of "Health Watch."
Well, again, welcome aboard, Clint.
Not without a set of fake buck-teeth!
Oh, none taken. Granted, when it comes to the looks department, Dr. Webber and I aren't in the same...
Well, I was going to say "league," but species is so much more insulting!
Bulldog, you're behaving immaturely even for you. Granted the man's handsome but it's no reason to feel threatened.
You're... married?
Well, that's the first time I've ever seen a man "in" himself.
Yes, I'm aware. We were taking publicity photos today, I had an allergic reaction to the make-up I was wearing. I wasn't planning on wearing any make-up at all but there's this handsome new employee at the station, everybody's feeling incredibly insecure about their looks. They were all slapping their make-up on, so I too gave in to vanity. And, like Icarus flying too close to the sun I had to pay the price.
Thank you, Dad, I don't like to go with mythology too often, but that was spot-on...
All right, Roz!
Oh, I am not jealous. Yes, the man is handsome, but I'm sure there are a number of areas in which I am his superior. You know, let's not forget that good looks can be a mixed blessing. People just roll out the red carpet for you but that robs you of any incentive to develop other qualities. After a while you're left an aging narcissist bent at the water's edge, realizing those lines in the pond aren't ripples, they're wrinkles.
Thank you, dad, I rather like that one myself.
All right, Roz, don't we have some work... over there?
Very amusing Dad, off you go.
Oh, Dr. Webber. You remember Roz Doyle, of course.
Who could forget that infectious laugh?
Oh, yes, everybody.
Well, actually we were...
So, Clint, I see that you're a squash player. You know, if you're up for a game some day, I used to play a bit back in Harvard.
Well, I'm sure the school you went to was just as good.
Oh, well, even better. So, did you go to medical school there as well?
Ah?
Mmmm.
Well, I too understand the importance in taking some time off before beginning medical school. I spent that summer in Milan studying the history of opera. In fact, I had the good fortune to make an acquaintance and become friends with a then-little-known young tenor by the name of Carreras.
Forgive the name dropping.
You're joking!
I'll be interested to see if he remembers the game we used to play where we pretended not to remember one another.
There's really no need.
Okay, maybe we can work now while he's gone. Oh, Roz, for heaven's sake. You're behaving like a starry eyed Bobby Socks-er. Yes, the man is good looking, it's not like he can stop traffic!
There's a blind corner out there, we don't know that was him!
Oh, well, Dr. Webber neglected to mention that he was squash champion back in college.
Oh, no, not at all. It was a lovely morning, Clint was gracious enough to treat me to breakfast. Course, once we arrived at "Le Renée," the chef had just cut himself. Clint not only treated the wound but set about to making us a flawless egg-white and truffle omelet.
He's real.
Yes, I know, Roz, I thought it would be a good idea to have Clint on, introduce him to my listeners, give his show a leg up.
Roz, try as you may to insinuate that I have some seething jealousy to this man, the fact is, I like Clint. Why else would I be giving a party in his honour this evening?
Yes, right up. Let's just slip on our headphones, and follow my lead, okay? Good afternoon, Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. Before we start our regular program, I'd like to take this opportunity to introduce you to Dr. Clint Webber. Clint, if you're anything like I am, you'll spend your first week trying to figure out what all these buttons do.
Ah, well, things may have gotten a bit more sophisticated since then. For instance we have here a cough button.
Of course it is. All my listeners are familiar with my now-trademark "echoing cough"! Well, let's go to the lines, take our first call, show Dr. Webber the ropes, shall we? Go ahead, you're on the air.
Oh, hello, Marie, I'm listening.
Really? Well, Marie, the desire to stay in bed is very similar to the desire to regress to the womb. Some unconscious fear is driving you to a place of safety. Now, in order to resolve this problem you're going to have to examine your life and discover just what it is you're retreating from. It's hard but very necessary work, I suggest that it maybe time to try some therapy.
Yes, well, thank you, Marie. But I think it's time to say goodbye to Dr. Webber now and we'll be back right after these messages.
Yes, it was, wasn't it?
Oh, no, no, not at all, I always enjoy learning something new. Well, I'll see you tonight, don't be late.
Of course you are!
I hate him.
Thanks for helping out.
Oh, well, really? I'm surprised you're even here at the party. I didn't think you cared much for Clint.
Ah, the regular busboy romance. Excuse me. Niles.
Well, let me see, what have you missed? Clint told us about how he learned to fly a plane, and then he recited a sonnet and, oh yes, he fixed my ice machine and he invented a new drink; the "Pink Webber"! He's got Daphne drawing a bath right now, in case the party starts to lag, he invited to walk on water, liven things up a bit.
It's just that I've never dealt with this sort of thing before.
I can see how that might be baffling to you, as my younger brother, you dealt with this thing all your life.
You're right, I'm being a bit silly about this thing, I suppose. I just wish I could one flaw, one area where I'm his superior.
Thank you. Do you play?
Well, yes, as a matter of fact, I'm playing by mail with a Russian grand master. It's quite challenging.
My God, you're right. And actually I'd be happy to hear that, except I'm playing black, well... wasn't that a fun eight months!
Hello, Sharon. Sorry we haven't had a chance to speak much.
Yes, so am I, and you look absolutely beautiful - or should I say...
Oh Boy, what's so funny?
Oh, really?
Oh, don't mention it.
Enjoy.
No, no, not at all. I can't tell you how much I'm enjoying hearing it.
Really?
Really?
Well, I think we could persuade the piano player to play it again.
Niles, Niles, I've done it. I have found his Achilles Heel!
Clint's! Oh, I just heard him singing, the man is completely tone deaf. He's about to launch into a rendition of "Isn't It Romantic" that will simply peel the enamel from your teeth!
What do you mean?
Yes.
No, no, no, I know, you're right. I guess I am a bigger man than that.
Yes, he is, isn't he?
Clint, there's been a little change of plan...
Please, everybody... nobody's perfect.
What's going on, anyway? My God, I've got an appointment in twenty minutes.
Oh.
Well, if requesting basic sanitary procedures makes me a weenie, then a weenie be I.
Nice to see you, too, Roz.
Well, perhaps you could... cut off the bow, remove the sleeves, and, uh...
Children!
I, for one, am looking forward to the SeaBeas.
Well, you're awfully cocky.
Ah.
Let's just move on, shall we?
Roz! That man, he's got a gun!
Roz, are you all right?
Niles!
Niles, what have we determined about your success with... impulse purchases?
My suggestion exactly.
Actually, I've got some news of my own. In the cafe today - Oh, for God's sake. Niles, do you have news?
Thank you.
What are you talking about?
"Best Performance By a Guest on an Information Show."
Ah, yes, yes, yes.... Thirty minutes psychobabble all reducible to one phrase: "Rain, rain, go away."
Oh, thanks, guys, thank you.
Yes, Niles, as I have tried to tell you, there was an attempted armed robbery today at the café.
No, no, no, thank goodness. It all diffused rather quickly. Tempest in a tea pot, really. Thank you.
Oh, Niles, hold on a second. How did you two hear about it?
They said that on the news?
That's not how it happened at all! Why would he say such a thing?
Shut up, Niles.
Well, we were all standing at the counter, when I noticed a man with a gun. I warned Roz. Bulldog saw a different man reaching for his wallet, and thought he was the gunman. That's when he grabbed Roz and held her in front of him as a human shield! But as he did that, he accidentally knocked his coffee onto the actual gunman, burning his hand, causing him to drop his weapon and run out!
Well, apparently not.
Well, I was just so relieved everyone was all right at first! I suppose it did irk me when everyone was praising him, and the owner of the cafe promised him a lifetime supply muffins! Well, I never thought it'd go this far. I never thought I'd hear it on the news!
I'm certainly not going to let Bulldog get away with this!
I'm going to tell him I saw exactly what happened!
Well, that's all the time we have for today. Good afternoon, Seattle, and good mental health. Roz, did you see Bulldog come in?
Do you really think he had anything to do with...
Hello, Bulldog.
Just drop it. I saw what you did yesterday.
Saved my butt, my ass! You pulled Roz in front you to protect yourself! Everything else that happened was simply by accident.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't.
You know what, I was determined to expose you, but it suddenly occurs to me I don't have to. You'll do it yourself. And you know why? Because a guilty conscience needs no accuser.
Once again, I don't have to, because a guilty conscience sleeps in thunder!
It means I won't tell.
You know, actually I'll be fascinated as a psychiatrist to watch this little experiment. I know that deep down you feel bad about what you've done. And you'll feel worse every time you capitalize on it. How long before your conscience finally overwhelms you?
Well, what do you say to that, hero?
Obviously.
Oh, no thank you, Daphne. I'm not very hungry.
Oh, I've been driving around, thinking. I can't seem to get this Bulldog thing off my mind.
Is that your roundabout way of saying you don't want to discuss it?
Well, it's not really Bulldog, so much. It's just that I believe that conscience, more than customs and laws, is what prevents people from doing wrong. To contemplate the idea an otherwise sane man with no conscience... It just shakes my entire world view.
Maybe I'm blowing this thing out of proportion. I just can't understand how Bulldog can accept all those accolades and not be tormented by it.
Well, that's a comforting thought, Niles. But we'll never know for sure, now, will we? Well, enough about this. You know, I think I'm off to bed. Goodnight all.
I want to talk to you.
You have done something horrible, and selfish. And I need to know that you feel bad about it.
I'm talking about what happened with Roz!
Bulldog!
I am not leaving until I know that you feel some remorse for what you've done.
Yes!
You feel NOTHING!
The little thing in question is using a pregnant woman as a human shield! Have you no conscience?
I refuse to believe that!
No! No! No, you don't! I know you've got a conscience. It must be buried deep inside there. I will find a way to get it out of you!
Oh, you mark my words. I don't know how yet, but come Saturday night you will be so consumed with guilt you will not be able to accept that Man of the Year Award!
Daphne!
Oh, you're gorgeous.
Dad, not bad, either!
Of course.
No, nonsense, Roz, you look divine.
Well, it certainly promises to be quite a night.
Well, Dad, I wouldn't be surprised if Bulldog actually declines that award.
Well, I've arranged a few surprises to prick his conscience, until, like Hamlet's stepfather, he totters from the banquet, ghostly pale and gibbering with guilt!
Niles.
No. Well, shall we take our seats?
Oh, Bulldog.
Oh, no, there's no reason to avoid me, Bulldog. I have no intention of ruining your evening. In fact, I've gone to great lengths to make it memorable.
Oh, don't you worry about me, I'll sleep fine tonight! The sleep of the just!
And the nominees are: "Consumer Forum," Wendy Hashiro, talent, Mike Friedman, producer; "The Doctor Frasier Crane Show," Dr. Frasier Crane, talent, Roz Doyle, producer; and "Bob and Nipsy's Morning Laugh Factory," Bob and Nipsy, talent, Lunatic Larry, producer. And the SeaBea goes to... Well, well. “Bob and Nipsy's Morning Laugh Factory!” Bob and Nipsy couldn't make it tonight, so I accept this award on their behalf. That brings us to our final category, but rather than compete with the coffee service, let's take a short break, and we'll be right back with... the Man of the Year Award!
Oh, God, that's all right, Dad! I'm only concerned about one award tonight. That's the next one!
I'm sorry, Niles.
Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen. Now the time has come to present the Harold Hirschauer Man of the Year Award. Thank you, Susan. As you all know, this award is presented every year to the radio personality who brings honor to our medium. This year, that person is Bob "Bulldog" Briscoe! C'mon up here, Bulldog!
Well, Bob, the night is just beginning for you. Could we please lower the house lights?
Just a few surprise guests that I've invited to help you celebrate this evening! People from your past that've helped make you the man you are today. Do you recognize... this voice?
Yes, it's Father O'Rourke, your boyhood priest and childhood confessor! And who's that next to him?
That's right, it's Mrs. McCloud, your second-grade teacher! The woman who taught you that honesty is the best policy! And who's that next to her?
It's Coach Nugent, from your peewee football days, the man who taught you that it doesn't matter whether you win or lose but that you play the game fair!
And who's that next to him? Yes! It's the president... your fan club! Little Joey Katona, whose only dream is to grow up and be just like you! But we're not through yet! Could we please bring the house lights up again?
We've saved the best for last. It's the woman that gave everything to you...
The night would not be complete without the woman who taught you right from wrong.... It's your mother, Bernice Briscoe!
Now let's turn the microphone over to our guest of honor this evening. I'm sure we're all anxious to see what the hero has to say!
This can't be happening!
I can't! The man is a coward and he's being rewarded!
No! I'm sorry, Dad, but I won't-
Thanks, Dad.
Bye-bye, Roz.
Oh, for God's sake! I'll do it!
That's the most ridiculous thing I've seen in my entire life! Stop it, just sit down!
Yes, indeed. I met a lovely young artist at the gallery opening on Saturday. We went out for coffee afterwards, and our date lasted until, well... the cows didn't actually come home, but I did hear mooing on the front porch!
Yes, that's Caitlin.
Well, obviously we seem different on the surface. But once you get to know her, trust me, she is really a breath fresh air. God, I haven't felt this excited about a relationship in ages!
Oh, it didn't come up.
She didn't mention it.
Well, yes.
Uh, I don't know, we never got around to that.
What are you implying?
Would you stop saying the word "relationship" that way? — relationship.
Oh, for God's sake.
Listen, Niles, I would never stay in a relationship if I didn't think there was some real future in it.
Yes, absolutely! In a heartbeat! It's a principle of mine — you know, this topic comes up all the time on my show. What do I always say?
Surely you must listen occasionally!
My show is on from two to five.
Oh, dear God.
I know I did.
Niles!
Actually, I'm having Caitlin over for dinner.
I'll thank you to stop with your sniggering insinuations that Caitlin and I share nothing but the physical! There are many things that we do share. Caitlin!
Let me take your coat. Oh, you remember Niles, of course. And this is Daphne, Caitlin.
Yes, he's having a little birthday party for his dog.
Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog. Anyway, can I interest you a drink? I've just opened a bottle Conte de Bruillet!
Well, do you hear that, Niles? Our Caitlin is a fellow oenophile!
And we share that same quirky sense of humor! Would you care for a glass?
A martini, then?
Well, so far, parsley. But we'll make do. Let me get you a glass of mineral water.
Please, help yourself to the melon slices. Just... unwind the prosciutto.
Spare me your sarcasm.
Niles, I've already told you, I would never continue in a relationship if I didn't think there was a real future, and I happen to believe that there is in this one! Have you ever heard of "opposites attracting?" Where I am worldly, Caitlin is... unspoiled.
I'll walk you to the door.
Will you stop smirking! It's going to take more than a harmless dabbling in astrology to dim the charm of this appealing young woman.
Just get out!
Morning, Dad.
It's Caitlin. I'm in hell. Last night I experienced the most intense physical pleasure I've ever known.
Well, that's not the problem, Dad. It's just that there's absolutely no future for me and Caitlin.
Well, that's not the point. Granted, there are aspects her personality that I find off-putting—
Well, all right! It's just difficult to walk away from something so intoxicating.
You've experienced something like this?
You're absolutely right, Dad. Got to nip this thing in the bud. I'm going to go over there right now. Doing anything else would just make me a hypocrite. You know, just yesterday I dedicated an entire theme show to the importance of self-control.
Doesn't anybody listen?
Frasier.
It'll only take a moment, I need to talk to you about something.
Well, actually I... Good lord, you really do look... Good lord!
Hello, all.
Heavens, no! I, uh, I stopped by early this morning. We've decided to go our separate ways. And then, I, uh, met up with Roz, went over some paperwork...
You know how she is these days. You know, get her on one her troubles and yak-yak-yak-yak-yak!
And yet she makes every story so interesting I could listen to her for hours...
Oh well, where do you think I've been? Trying to break up with Caitlin! But did I do it? No! And why? Because I'm Frasier, and I'm a sex-oholic!
I was about to make one of those myself.
Oh, I don't think we're exactly in Niles's wheelhouse!
Come on, Niles, I've heard your stories. They're not the steamiest stuff.
Well, I'm sorry, Niles. I had no idea.
"Does me so much good," said Emma Bovary! If you're going to steal a love life, don't steal from the classics, you imbecile!
You're not the only one. Let me give you a hand.
Not much.
Well, it just seems wrong. I've thought a lot about this—
Well, it's just that I'm afraid I have no future with her.
Well, maybe she thinks that she has a future with me!
I don't know.
Well, you're right. Over-thinking things can certainly spoil anything. You know, it's funny, I gave the very same advice the other day on my show to that lawyer from Bainbridge.
You were five feet away! Doesn't anyone listen?!
Smells wonderful.
Caitlin, you know...
Well, I wanted to ask you: where do you see this going?
No, I mean our relationship. We've never talked about it.
No, not at all, I'm actually relieved! I-I've been loving things the way they are too.
Right — oh well, "fun" doesn't begin to describe it! I just wanted to make sure we were both on the same page.
Well, I have been terribly worried about this global warming situation.
I'm so glad we had this conversation!
Oh, Caitlin, Caitlin, I'm not as narrow-minded as all that. You know, I think we have a wonderful chemistry. That's enough to offset a few minor differences.
Oh! Same goes, by the way! You know, I just love these converted loft spaces. I wonder what this one was before you moved in? Judging by these meat hooks — a slaughterhouse, huh?
Oh, you artists and your whimsical decorating touches! That's a mousetrap, isn't it? You get many mice?
Caitlin... you've cut your hair!
Well, it's uh... it's different! It's still beautiful, nonetheless. Is that all your hair?
You know, Caitlin, I'm thinking—
Right.
OK. Go ahead, Body... I'm listening.
Oh God, yeah, that feels good.
How romantic. You know, there's nothing like a full moon to make one—
Caitlin?
As in... werewolf?
Well, yes, but in that context I took it as a compliment!
Yes, that—
Among other things!
Listen, Caitlin, I'm starting to think that maybe this isn't such a good idea!
Well, you know, we're just so different! You know, I'm basically your stuffy, buttoned-down sort of guy! You're, well, you're your free-spirited, adventurous, mouse- painting, moon-howling sort of girl! Is even the most satisfying sexual relationship enough to bridge that gap?
Oh, good morning, Roz.
What the hell was that?
Who?
Good idea, Roz. If that doesn't work, why don't we get married and have some children, that will really fix his wagon!
Stan? The smug stockbroker who kept calling me "Frazer?"
How can someone not hear the difference between "Frasier" and "Frazer"?
Oh, oh, Roz, I almost forgot, here's the invitation to my dad's birthday party. Sherry's giving it, so please excuse the elegant verse, but...
Oh, all right.
Hello, Niles. You know, this isn't what it looks like. You see, her ex-boyfriend was just... Oh, just stop that!
Can I get one of the same for Dr. Crane, please?
Oh, it's all right, Niles. I did a bit of that myself this morning. I found a lovely little calfskin wallet with a matching key case.
Yes, and it was a full twenty dollars below our agreed-upon spending limit.
Oh God, me too. Finally to do away with our annual contest to see who could give dad the most lavish gift.
Extreme.
Gaudy.
Obscene.
Stop it! So, what did you get him?
Well, we're not exactly bumping our heads on that spending ceiling, are we?
You know, I looked into those clubs, they're rather expensive.
How big a drop?
That's not a drop, it's a downpour!
It's a deluge!
Stop it!
Well, frankly, I don't need to buy dad's love. You've opted to violate our agreement, so be it. I have a gift, you have a gift.
Big baby!
Stare all you like. You will not distract me from my paper. You see, your efforts are futile, I can't even see you.
Oh, how reminiscent of the cream cheese gavel they gave Thurgood Marshall on his eightieth!
Oh, yes, yes, that would explain why your horses are wearing brassieres.
Well, er, sherry, Niles?
Ah.
Yes, he has.
Great, Daphne, off you go.
Ah, Daphne...
Well, not this year. We'd actually agreed to a spending limit until someone else exceeded it.
Well, if you ask me, your gifts compliment each other perfectly.
Tickets?
I don't believe you! You already had a better gift than mine, you still saw the need to take it to a higher level.
All right, enough is enough. I quit, I'm throwing in the towel.
Because this is a receipt for the binoculars, this should prove to you that I have no intention of returning them in order to get a better gift. There.
Oh, stop babbling, Daphne, and bring me some tape!
Yes, I did. It took me most of the afternoon but I finally came up with something I think is just about perfect!
Niles was here?
That little worm!
No, I am not. I've combed the entire city trying to find a gift - but nothing is better than what Niles got him.
I don't know. I'm sure it's something any father would just love.
Enjoy, Dad.
Who's Ed Flannagan?
Er, nothing much. I've got some shopping to do.
Really?
Oh, don't even say it!
No! God, it'll ruin my apartment, my life! I can't, I won't, I mustn't!
I know!
Perhaps I'm panicking needlessly. It just needs a little dressing-up, really. You know, I'll just arrange these plants here at the base.
Yes, maybe an objet or two on top. Yes, yes, this little bud vase, here.
That makes a world of difference, doesn't it?
Oh, it's ghastly! Oh God, you just don't put a smear of lipstick on the Bride Frankenstein and turn her into a trophy wife, do you?!
Niles.
Didn't what? You mean buy dad this television set? Of course I did! Ah, it's impressive, isn't it?
I disagree! Where you see an eyesore, I see a picture window to a world of art and culture. Just think how a screen this size will enhance the majesty of the Metropolitan Opera. Or the thrilling artists of the Bolshoi!
Oh, you're right, it's dreadful, isn't it! But you know, it's worth it, just to imagine the smile it'll put on dad's face, not to mention the pleasure of watching you twist and writhe in envy. You're not twisting and writhing!
Oh, don't try to change the subject, Niles, you've lost, admit it!
You can only live in denial for so long before you...
You didn't?!
Oh! ... Oh... how could you?!
Ah, all right, Niles. What else can I do? I give up! You win. You have found the one gift that can't be trumped.
Still, on the bright side, I know dad will love this set. He really will. And already it doesn't seem quite as intrusive as it did when it first got here.
What are those?
They don't give them actual crowns, you twit! Well, come on, Dad, you don't want to be late for the party, I'm sure Sherry's getting warm in that cake!
Dad?
Don't want to be late.
Are you sure?
Is there something you'd like to talk about?
Oh dear God! It's Stonehenge!
God, I know. Not even when Sherry sang that little ditty she'd composed; "You Can Cop A Feel If I Can Feel A Cop"! Brandy, Niles?
Well, you know how he is. Gets himself into these moods, he just retreats.
The thought occurred to me too.
It occurred to me.
Well, it... stop it!
It's the gift that keeps on giving!
He said he was coming home with you.
I'm sure he's all right. He'll be back soon.
Oh, suit yourself, Niles. I think you're fretting needlessly.
Oh, who am I kidding?! I'm worried sick!
All right, dad, we know you know we're here.
All right, fine, we'll see you later. You know, it is a little troubling that you feel more comfortable talking to your horse than you do to your sons.
That's my slogan; "I'm Listening." You know, dad, listening is the foundation...
Right.
Shush!
Dad, you still have a lot of...
Sorry, sorry.
Well, actually, it was mostly Niles's idea.
Niles, what a generous gesture. How can I ever thank you?
Dear God!
It's a minefield out there! Everywhere I go, people are talking about this mini-series I've been watching!
Bup, bup, bup, bup! I attended a benefit last night. I had to tape it, and I have yet to see it.
I don't think it's trashy at all! In fact, I think the intricacies of the plot are downright Dickensian.
Anyway, I'm just having a very difficult time having a conversation without having to avoid people telling me the ending.
Yes, goodbye, Betty.
Interminable! Is the tape in the VCR?
Heather had a baby?
Well, who's the father? Oh no, no, no, don't tell me.
Thank you.
Hi, Dad.
My...god-uncle? There's no such thing as a god-uncle.
No! I barely even remember my godfather, he died twenty years ago.
Dad, you know as much as I'd like to pay my respects, catch up with my god-cousins and meet the god-neighbors, I have some urgent business that just can't wait until later.
Oh, all right! One hour! I don't even know why I'm going. The man was a ghoul, he used to hide his glass eye in my marble bag!
Hello, Niles. Ooh, Niles, you'd be smart to get out of here. Dad's dragging me off to a wake for my god-uncle Charlie.
Yes!
Uh, yes, she is. Why?
Are you sure you're ready for this?
Well, all right. I suppose you've thought this through. Maybe it is time.
Time for me to, uh, put this popcorn away for later.
Well, what did she say?
Oh, Niles. No surprise. After all you've been through with Maris, you were just scared of another rejection.
Oh, my God!
I don't know. If I'd known Daphne was standing there, I would have said "Shut up, Daphne's standing there."
Niles, Niles, Niles. Listen, calm down. Now listen, this may even be for the best. You said you wanted to take the next step.
Niles, you've got to talk to her!
If you wait, it will only become incredibly awkward! You can't leave things like this, Niles. Come on, you've got to resolve it now. Go, go!
Where's Niles?
Oh, that's all right Daphne. Did you and Niles have a little chat?
Well, that is wonderful! Let me be the first to raise a glass to... to god-uncle Charlie. You know, Daphne, as long as you're doing the laundry, the kitchen towels could use a washing. Oh, and my oven mitts are getting a bit crunchy.
What the hell is going on?
Phyllis?!
Oh, lord.
Niles, stop! You have got to clear this up.
Oh, well, I'm off to...bring the car around for Dad.
We left! Even the mourners were babbling about the mini- series.
No, no, Niles. Actually, everybody's heading over to the Kiwanis club to have a post-wake kegger. Could you please take Dad?
Please!
Phyllis?
Daphne... is cooking dinner... for your date with a fictitious woman. Why not just set a place for the March Hare and the Mad Hatter?!
Niles, the longer you continue with this absurd lie, the more likely it is to blow up in your face!
Ka-Boom!
Hello, I'm Frasier, Niles's brother.
In a minute, Dad.
Me?
I've got my hands full with Dad.
Dad? You know, I guess it was time we were going. Maybe you could just press for the elevator and I'll be right there in a minute.
Yes, well, he's always been the quiet type. Especially... since all the trouble with Heather.
Don't worry. He stood trial, they never proved a thing.
I'll explain later, Niles. Tell you what, though: don't plan on running for the co-op board here anytime soon.
Well, actually you know, Roz really isn't the nervous type.
Roz, why don't you show the Garretts the view?
Hello, Niles.
It certainly is.
Hmm, what do you want?
I would rather give you a lung! Latte, please.
And in what class will Maris be showing?
You know, here's an idea, Niles: Don't go!
Well, all right Niles, if it's moral support you need, I'll go with you.
All right.
Roz, why do you need a hotel room?
You just ordered a four-dollar cup of coffee. "On the street" may be a tad dramatic.
You know Roz, if you're stuck, my dad's going to San Francisco for the weekend. You can always stay with me.
Well then, that's settled. That's that, then.
No, no, no, no. I wouldn't have suggested it if it wasn't something I wanted to do. You should know that.
No, no, no, let me get that.
Well then, lucky me - I'm getting everything I want today.
Calm down, dad.
We've got plenty of time.
I just stopped off for your blood pressure medicine.
Well, pack it anyway!
Oh, just a little something I picked up for Daphne at the drug store. She ran some errands for me last week.
Yes dad, I always buy precious stones at the same counter I pick up corn pads and Wart Be-Gone!
Oh, actually Daphne, we're just on our way but first there's a little something I wanted to give you - just a little token of my appreciation.
Well, of... course I did.
Well, it's a small gift, a tiny gift...
Well, actually Daphne...
Well, I-
Dear God, she believes they're genuine sapphires.
I'm going to have to tell her the truth.
I can't let her think I gave her something I didn't. Honesty between friends is far more precious than any gem. I'm sure Daphne feels exactly the same way.
Daphne, you know, I'm glad you like them...
Somebody has to keep track of these things.
All right dad, I'll get my keys!
Did you remember to pack your medicine?
You know dad, I think you'll find that Frisco hasn't changed all that much.
Come on in, Roz.
Actually, you're here a little earlier than I expected.
Oh, frankly I didn't check my machine all day today.
Something tells me you never talked for a long time.
Now Roz, just calm down.
Maybe they just want to meet you. They are the grandparents of your child.
I know that, but...
Roz, listen, all they want is a short meeting.
What if they turn out to be nice supportive people that you're glad to have in your life?
Oh Roz... You know what, I could go with you, if you like? Oh, better yet, we can have them here tomorrow night. Niles and I have a dog show around eight o’clock. They can come before that.
I'll bet that's Mrs. Garrett.
Hello. Yes, she is. Yes, she did get your message. No, no, I'm afraid she won't be able to meet you. Yes I understand that you're upset. I'm terribly sorry, goodbye.
That was Marco, now we're calling Mrs. Garrett.
Like Pollyanna grew up and got herself into a little trouble.
I will mean a lot to them. Besides, it's a chance to learn about your baby's lineage. A lot of things are inherited, you know. Like intelligence, artistic ability...
Roz, there's no need to panic. You know, this should be fun! It's like a little preview of who your child might be.
Frasier Crane. Won't you please come in? Roz'll be out in a second. She just went to powder her... self.
Well, actually you know, Roz really isn't the nervous type.
Roz, this is Steve and Paula Garrett.
Oh-ho-ho, certainly not!
Well, I must admit when I opened the door I...
Exactly! You know, you both look so young. Don't they, Roz?
Oh, Daphne Moon, Steve and Paula Garrett.
I know! It's amazing, isn't it? They are actually the parents of a twenty year-old.
Oh, excuse me. Oh, Niles. You're an hour early.
Company, yes! Steve, Paula Garrett, this is my brother, Niles Crane. The Garretts are the grandparents-to-be Roz's baby.
Roz, why don't you show the Garretts the view?
Just stop it, the two of you! My God, you're acting like a couple of two year-olds!
Dad? What are you doing here?
Dad, Dad, this is Steve and Paula Garrett. They're Rick's parents, you remember Rick?
What is the matter with you people?!
Not in the slightest! These are two perfectly nice people, who happen to have large noses! The three of you standing in here, sniggering like school childen! Well, all right, fine. If you can't get yourselves under control you can just stay in here!
Quiche Lorraine, anyone?

"Quiche her? I hardly know her!" I just got that!
You know Roz, in spite of a rather shaky beginning, I think this evening's turned out rather well.
Frankly Roz, I think you're making a big deal out of nothing. As I remember, Rick had a perfectly fine nose, and so do you. I'm sure your baby's going to have one too.
Who's for coffee?
Well, you know, maybe coffee's a bad idea if you've got that early flight in the morning. Daphne, could you just take this back into the kitchen for me?
No, no, that's not really necessary. Once you've seen one sapphire, you've seen them all.
You know, why don't you just get up? You have to get going, you know, we have plenty of people in order to form a search party. And you know, we'll just trample each other. Well, good night.
Uh-huh, and you might as well get a little sleep before you take off.
I've got it! Here it is. Bon voyage!
Alright, Daphne, just a second. Well, listen, it was wonderful of you to come.
Goodnight.
Oh, I'm sorry, it's just a piece of lint. Well, the search continues.
I know what you're thinking Daphne, and you're right. Obviously I...
Actually, you just did.
I'm terribly sorry, Daphne, I meant to tell you eventually.
Shut up, Niles! You see Daphne, the truth is, I didn't remember your anniversary and well, I saw them and I thought they were pretty, so I bought them for you. You thought they were genuine, you seemed so happy...
Actually, I bought them at Raymond's.
SHUT UP!
Take care.
Good to see you.
Oh, come on, Roz! It can't be that bad, let me have a look!
Please.
Hello, Niles.
Niles, if that is a picture of your new Biedermeier loveseat, you've already shown it to me.
Certainly worked for the dealer. Oh, I'm sorry Niles, I'm just not in the best of moods. I just had another disastrous blind date today.
I mean, murderers on death row can find women to marry them! I can't find one to sit through coffee!
I'm serious. I'm getting desperate here.
Oh, really. Did it ever occur to you that this recent antique buying binge you've been on is nothing but a way of sublimating your frustrated sexual desires?
Oh, don't they? In addition to the loveseat, let's see, your most recent acquisitions have been: a French bed- warmer... a pair of Toby jugs... the less said about that Civil War ramrod, the better.
Take heart, Niles. We're both in the same boat. The hard part is, where do you go to meet people?
Daphne?
Oh, nothing, I'm sorry. Go on.
A little trick I discovered a few weeks ago, it's a lifesaver. Anyway, as I was saying, where does one go to meet available women?
Oh, there's a splendid idea. Yes, I can just picture the two of us: tank tops and spandex. Find us a pair of matching headbands, we might as well just sterilize ourselves!
Oh, just our pathetic love lives.
Invade Korea?
Well, I don't know, Dad. That doesn't really sound like us.
Uh, Dad?
Oh, I'm sorry, nothing.
It doesn't always work.
I'll send the invitations.
Niles, this is wonderful. I had no idea we'd get such a turnout.
Roz, I didn't know you were coming.
My God, Roz, you are rusty.
Not necessary, Roz. I've already met someone quite captivating...
Hello.
Yes, that's right. Roz? Roz?
Yes, well, that's why you'll never see an unopened pickle jar at a Mensa meeting.
Roz! Roz, that woman is all over me.
Yes of course I got it! I also got it when she showed me how she can tie a knot in a cherry stem with her tongue.
Except the cherry was in my mouth at the time! Roz, I already tried to tell you that I've met a woman tonight.
Thank you.
Niles.
Oh that's fabulous.
I also met someone who's terrific.
Right, so's mine.
That's not fair! You're the host, you see everyone first!
Exactly, so go pick one!
Soo-eee.
What?
Uh-huh.
Oh, what do I ever say? You're in denial, seek help, whatever, blah, blah, blah.
Hello Niles.
Actually, there's something of an emergency in the kitchen.
Oh, no. He's always run like that. Oh, oh you mean the kitchen. No, no, Niles can handle it.
Oh, yes. I'm his best friend. Well, his only friend really.
Doesn't he, though? Yes, the medication seems to be working wonders. Just hope he sticks with it this time. Well, shall we hit the buffet?
Then I top it all off with brandied cherries and a dollop of creme fraiche.
Not now Niles. I'm telling Vickie my recipe for crepes cateau.
No, he doesn't.
All right, then. If you will excuse me.
What is it?
Why?
No, no it doesn't actually. It looks terrific.
Well, maybe the fire is making you perspire just a little bit. Here.
Well, actually you look quite young and attractive. You know by the warmth of the fire glow, I'd say that you actually look like you're back in your Marty Party days.
No, no.
Great!
Vickie. Hello, where's Niles?
Oh, well, that's terrific. Ah, would you be interested in maybe finding some place where we could talk, just the two of us, no interruptions?
Not now, Roz.
Can't you see I'm busy?
Well... maybe you sat in something.
Yes, yes, I'm sorry, of course. Vickie, Vickie? If you'll excuse us, my friend Roz just went into labor.
Oh, wait, wait just one second. Vickie, I know this may not be the most appropriate moment, but I was wondering if perhaps you'd like to have dinner with me sometime.
Oh, well, thank you for your honesty. My God! What is wrong with me? Why can't I find a single woman who's interested in me?
How's the coffee, Dad?
Well, who needs coffee when we can keep alert by perusing these very up-to-date magazines? Oh, look, Dad. That cute Tricia Nixon's getting married.
Oh, excuse me? May we get an update on Roz Doyle?
Thank you.
I said I was sorry! Not half as sorry as I was when I went over that speed bump and you left a head print on the ceiling of my BMW.
Hello, Niles. Didn't expect to see you here.
I suppose you also came to gloat. You got Vickie, I didn't.
Really? Well, you know what I say? Her loss.
Not a whit.
If only there had been some clue!
I was wondering when you'd crack that, Miss Marple!
Oh, boo-hoo, anyway. At least you had a date tonight!
OK.
Roz. Congratulations.
It's a long story.
Right.
You know, maybe we should just wait until you're not dripping toxins.
I'll be along in a second.
Oh, Roz. Congratulations again. I'm so proud of you. Your little girl is just perfect.
Mm-hmm. My God, look at your face.
Yes, that's exactly how you look: lovely. I don't think I've ever seen your face more purely happy than right now.
Oh, little Alice, how I wish you could wake up right now and see how beautiful your mother looks. Then again, you need your rest.
You did great, honey. Sleep well. Oh, hello.
This may seem like an odd time to ask you this, but I was convinced that we sort of made some eye contact in the waiting room and I was wondering if I could get your number.
Oh, no, forget about her, she's asleep.
Her loss.
Tricia...I am so very sorry. Have you been waiting long?
Well, I do apologize, it's just that the most extraordinary thing happened.
My watch stopped.
No, no, no, no. That really is extraordinary. You see, it's a very fine Swiss timepiece, it only loses a minute per decade.
No, no, no, please, please, let me have another chance. I so enjoyed meeting you last night, I'd love to get to know you better.
You'd be amazed how much fondue gets overcooked that way. Listen, how about lunch tomorrow? I know the maitre d' over at the Le Petite Bistro, he'll give us the best table in the house. Please?
Yes, yes, I know, I know. See you then.
Oh, Niles.
Actually, a young woman I met during intermission at the opera last night. I swear, Niles, it was remarkable. Our hands touched, there was a spark. After ten minutes of conversation, I knew I had to know this young woman better. Ever experience that sort of thing?
Oh, excuse me, may I have non-fat cappuccino, please? Well, what am I to deduce, that you've recently gotten lucky?
Well, you little sneak. I don't even know the woman. How did you two meet?
What'd you do, fish them out with a coat hanger?
Except for your frantically babbled "Thank you's."
Which is more than can be said for your squash game.
To sit with the taxidermist.
I can't believe this has happened to me two days in a row!
I hope she's still sitting at Le Petite Bistro.
What?
Oh, God. Ah, it's her machine. Hello, Tricia, it's Frasier. Look, I'm, I'm terribly sorry but it's just my car battery went dead at a light, and I didn't have my cell phone with me. By the time I got a jump I realized I couldn't go directly to the restaurant because I was wearing these ridiculous shorts, and I, I know how this sounds, but it's the truth! Here, just ask my brother.
Anyway, please give me one more chance. I'll go anywhere, anytime, just, uh, give me a call. Please.
Of course. God, I had such high hopes for this young woman, now I've gone and blown it twice. Whom are you calling?
Oh for God's sake, take it in my bedroom! You're makin' the dog twitch!
Oh, Dad, please, I thought I said I didn't want any fuss this year.
Chimps on Ice? Oh, my.
Well, Dad...
Dad, look, you know, I really don't feel like going out on my birthday this year.
Yes, I actually had made plans already. I was gonna stay in and watch television. The opera is mounting a new production of "Cosi van Tutti."
No. And Mozart's still kicking himself.
Of course I'm familiar with them. Their yearly expeditions are remarkable.
So why are you telling me this?
That's incredible! Oh my goodness!
Oh, thank you! Thank you so much. But wait, gee, I told Dad I was gonna stay home that night. You mustn't tell him about this.
Great. Perfect. But wait a minute: you knew about this yesterday?
Oh, why so?
Hello.
You know, I can never remember which... Is it "Fall ahead, Springbok" or vice versa? Oh, oh good heavens, I forgot I had this on me.
Thank you. Hello?
I have to leave.
Niles, that was Tricia on the phone. She's going out town tonight for a month. But if I swing by, pick her up at her place, pick her up, we can at least join each other for a drink.
I don't care! It was kismet when I met this young woman, I'm not giving up an opportunity to see her!
All right, I'll make a proper excuse. Excuse me, Allison? I'm terribly sorry, it seems I'm coming down with a touch of something, I'm going to have to leave.
Thank you, but I, I don't really see that there's much hope.
Yes, I'm just stopping by my place to pick up my keys, I will see you in ten minutes. And Tricia? I can't wait. OK, bye.
No, I certainly can't.
Well, I, I dress like this sometimes when I watch the opera on television.
You know, since I'm not going to be watching the opera, perhaps I could run out and buy a brand new videotape so I can record it.
Oh, well, thank you Bulldog, thank you all. Oh, well, “David Copperfield,” Dickens's classic tale a young man making his way in the world.
Mmm. "David Cop-a-Feel." Well...
No, no thanks.
Yes, well, thank you, Daphne.
Dad, I can go get some more ice!
Yes, well, then, excuse me. I need to make a call.
Tricia, Frasier. Look, I've been detained. Yes, I know you really don't want to know why. Say, you know what? I think I can find a way to get out of here. Yes, I'll see you in a few minutes.
Dad. Bad news, seems your ice is melting awfully fast.
No worries, I'll get some more.
No, Roz, I want to go.
Roz, it's my birthday, I can do whatever I want on my birthday, I want to go get some ice.
Don't worry, Dad! I'm on it!
Roz, I want to go, I know what kind Dad likes!
No, no, don't stop on fourteen. Just don't stop on fourteen. No, no!
Wishing I had taken the stairs.
“Rhino?”
Niles, Niles, just be calm, be calm. What's done is done. You didn't know, and now it's over. As long as you've both been discreet, there's no reason it should ever get back to Rhino.
I'm sorry, Niles, I would love to stay and help, but I've got to get out of here myself.
Splendid idea! You're going to want it nice and dark in here, aren't you?
All set, and it's show time.
Yep. Here it is! All right, lights out. There you go.
Noel. So you are. Hi Tom, Janet, Bill. You know what? I was just heading down, we're out of ice.
Here's the ice! Here, Noel, put that in the kitchen, will you?
Come on in, everybody. You know, Dad, I've done the silliest thing. I went out without my wallet. They gave me the ice, but I have to go back and pay them.
Actually, I should be getting back there...
Well, well done Roz! Nice playing with you, I'm out here.
What, really?
Oh, all right. Maybe I'll just...prepare in the kitchen! Tricia! You know, you're going to laugh when you hear this. Hello? Tricia? Oh, fine. Ha, ha, "The Iceman Cometh"!
All right.
Gangrene?!
Thank you!
No, you jackass! The Iceman Cometh!
You two are the worst charades players I've ever seen in my entire life! My God, those skating chimps could... Well, you did your best, we'll get it next time. Off I go...
Made it!
Oh, Tricia, please...
Would it make any difference if I told you I had to sneak out of a birthday party being given for me by my own father just to be here with you?
Look, if you don't believe me, here, just see for yourself. In fact, it's turning out to be the worst birthday party I've had since I was eight, when I pinned the tail on Sally Anunsiato. She shoved a cupcake down my shorts.
I would have done almost anything to get to know you better.
Well, I could drive you.
I wasn't talking about the airport.
I could have you in Spokane in six hours. That'll certainly give us enough time to get acquainted.
But you didn't ask. I offered. Look, I want to do it, here.
Well, the way I see it, one two things can happen. Either we'll discover that we've foolishly built each other up in our own imaginations because we've had so much trouble getting together; or, this could end up being a story we tell our grandchildren. Personally, I can't wait to find out which.
Oh, boy! Well, off we go.
Good idea. Looking for some more opera?
Converts, you say?
Something tells me I'm about to.
Well, that's it for today, Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane wishing you good day and good mental health.
That is not amusing when you do it in the men's room, it's not amusing now!
Oh, he's just being Bulldog.
What the hell was that?
Oh yes Roz, about as disappointed as I was when that hypnotist at the Christmas party picked them to come up on stage and groom each other like monkeys.
Roz!
Hi, Daph.
Oh, what sort of rally?
Not "Hirsh & Sons"?
They can't do that! That's a Seattle landmark. My God, Mark Twain gave a reading there.
Frankly, I'm terribly upset about this. You know, I think we'll go down there and join that rally.
Tough luck! You're the chauffeur!
Oh, on the contrary, Daphne. I was quite the activist in my college days. There's nothing like throwing your feel as bad to scruffy young rebels thumbing their noses at convention.
Oh heavens no, though I did have a pair of psychedelic suspenders that raised an eyebrow or two. This seat looks good, don't you think?
Well, all right. Well, I'll keep it simple. Be strong, people. Our cause is just. To the barricades! This is sort of fun, isn't it?
Who do you suppose that is?
What do you suppose they mean by that?
You don't think they're talking about a jail sort of thing here, do you?
They don't actually drag people away anymore, do they?
Well, now you're just provoking them.
They weren't kidding. Well, there goes the first lucky martyrs to our cause. Well, as they are dragging people away there'll be none left to protest, you know I better go get some reinforcement.
Solidarity, my brothers!
Hello, Niles.
I'm sorry - just not in the mood.
What cuisines are being fused?
Well, perhaps there's a reason why God put those two countries so far apart.
I'm sorry, Niles. It's just a bad night. See, Daphne's been hauled down to jail. Dad's down there trying to bail her out.
Don't worry, they should be home any minute, it's just that she was down at that rally for "Hirsh & Sons" book store. The worst part of it is that I convinced her to go and when they started hauling people away I chickened out and ran.
It was a thoroughly shameful performance. Though I did clear that private hedge in front of Emerson's funeral home like a Kentucky show horse. What has happened to me, Niles? I used to be so courageous. To fight for things. When did I become so middle-aged? So timid?
Not me! God, it was only five years ago I packed up my whole life in Boston, moved across the country to start over. That took real courage. Now, ha-ha, the biggest risk I take is saying to Dad, "Hey, let's go out to dinner, you pick the restaurant".
Daphne! Daphne, it's so good to have you home safe and sound.
Yes, thank you Dad. Daphne, I am so sorry, I feel just terrible.
Yes well, let's hope they never do away with that old "All jewelry up for grabs at the morgue" policy.
Thanks anyway, Niles.
Hello, yes, I'd like to order a large pizza. What toppings? Er, just a second. Dad, what do you want on your pizza?
Pepperoni, please.
Now, now, Patrick, let's not give in to paranoia. Just because your wife is avoiding sex lately it doesn't mean she's being unfaithful. You said yourself she hasn't been talking lately. Why don't you try reopening the lines communication tonight by surprising her with a nice romantic dinner?
You know, Roz, what do you say we turn things over to our Eye in the Sky, Chopper Dave, with the traffic report?
It's a pleasure.
Of course, the author.
Well, I'll try to catch him next time I'm in Tampa. In the mornin'.
You, too.
Actually, I didn't forget. I had a look at the copy, and, well, I couldn't read it.
Well, just listen to this here. One cup of "Happy Dreams" tea and you'll have happy dreams all night long. The fact is that dreams are a bi-product unresolved emotion. No tea can promise happy dreams.
Yes, but as a psychiatrist I can't. They're promising something that's impossible.
You see, but it's not a slogan. If I as a doctor read it, it sounds like medical advice.
Kenny, maybe I'm not making myself clear here. Let's try this - I will never read this copy.
Well, I didn't realize you felt so strongly about it. I guess I have no choice.
Hello Seattle, the people who know me best will not be surprised by what I'm about to tell you: I am not a man who betrays his principles. I am not a man who misleads his listeners and I am not a man who will shrink from a fight. Today I find myself in a fight over the content of my show. But rather than truffle to the forces of commercialism, I've decided to take a stand on principal, even if it means... I'm not on the air, am I?
How much did I get out?
People who know me best will not be surprised by what I'm about to tell you: I am not a man.
Perfect.
Yes. I must say it feels good to take a stand like this. I feel like my old self again. I tell ya' one thing - I don't envy Kenny. Feeling the cold stares of the other employees because he's fired the station's most popular personality.
Very funny, Niles. God, who'd have thought that getting fired can make one feel so alive?
What do you want? Another staring contest, I suppose. Well, you picked the wrong day for that, boyo.
Take that!
Well, Dad, brace yourself. The station fired me, so you'll be seeing me this time everyday.
I assume you mean the firing part.
Well, they simply asked me to violate a principal I believe in, and I refused.
Well, there's this product called "Happy Dreams" tea. They wanted me to say that it gives people happy dreams.
Well, that's it. I couldn't make a claim like that.
Yes, Dad, that may be...
Yes, I understand.
Yes, I understand.
I realize that!
Yes, Niles, I was wondering when you'd get around to that. So, just allow me. I was so ashamed of my chickening out at the rally that I grabbed at the first fight that came my way. Of course it turned out to be the wrong fight and I needlessly lost my job. So, if you follow that theory through to this end - this petty feeling of euphoria I'm experiencing right now is frankly nothing more than a deep- seated denial.
Not for a second!
Hello.
Kenny, it's only been and hour and a half.
Technically, I'm still available.
Well, what can I say but, see you tomorrow.
I would love that, as long as I don't have to endorse it afterwards.
Good afternoon Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane and I would like to begin today by apologizing for my abrupt departure from the airwaves yesterday. You see, I was embroiled in a conflict with the management. I'm happy to report that it's been resolved. Thank you to the efforts of our new station manager, a courageous and principled young man, Ken Daly. I won't bore you with all the details but suffice it to say he took on the big guys and won.
Anyway, I apologize for our brief interruption yesterday and I assure you... That today's will be even briefer. Roz, let's go to commercial. Kenny, Kenny, what's going on?
What?! How did that happen?
Oh, Kenny, I can't help feeling that this is all my fault.
Of course. Well, we have got to get Kenny's job back.
Well, we'll just round up all the talent, go down to Mr. Martin and demand that he re-hire Kenny.
It's not an ultimatum, Roz, we'll simply appeal to the man's sense of decency. You know Kenny went to bat for me, we owe him at least that.
Now together, I know that we can do this. The most important thing is to present a united front.
Well, what is the matter with you people?
Of what?
Alright, that's enough! Get out of the elevator all, of you. Because I'm ashamed of you, intimidated by a building. We're here for Kenny - the man who wants to start KACL daycare, Roz; the man who approved the extra airbrushing charges on your new publicity photos, Gil. And you Tooty, who was it that just doubled the story-time puppet budget?
Oh all right, Tooty!
Mr. Martin, hello.
Mr. Martin, my name is Dr. Frasier Crane and I'm here with some of the other talent from KACL - my producer, Roz Doyle; Gil Chesterton, food critic; Bob Briscoe, sports; Tooty Finegould, the story lady; Ray Schmit, the Greengrocer and Miss Judy, arts and crafts - I'm sorry, Judy, I don't know your last name.
This will only take a moment, Mr. Martin. This morning you fired Kenny Daly, a wonderful station manager and a man integrity. That is a very rare quality in this industry, I promise you. You fire all the Kenny Dalys, what are you left with? A bunch of sycophants and "yes" men. Am I right?
Now, it would be a great risk to hire Kenny back, but I'm here to tell you that the man who stops taking risks in life pays a very dear price indeed. I know whereof I speak. I can see that I'm getting through to you, so let me just leave you with one last question: what kind of radio station do you want?
Bravo!
You bet you are!
Exactly, action!
I beg your pardon?
What the hell just happened?
I love this picture! You look adorable in that!
Well, the camera doesn't lie, you know.
These really are the golden years for you, aren't they?
Now, now, Daphne there's no need to tell Niles everything we did that night.
Well, Niles, uh, what time is this little soiree of yours this evening?
Well, perhaps we should go finish up those costumes, 

Why is this here? I am so curious?
I was after a certain line of dialogue, which i found...
"And for the sake of those who do invest I suggest, Sir, that you find a better name than "The Spuddy Buddy"

But just why? And what series/episodes are these scripts from?

A thousand years ago, someone on IRC threatened to make a Frasier Markov bot, so I wrote a Python script that parses the TV scripts for all of Frasier Crane's lines: https://github.com/neckro/frasier

This the result of the script, so it should cover the entire series. The Markov bot never happened. I suppose these days you could just feed it into an LLM and have a Frasier of your very own!

#file-frasier-txt-L7544 👋

A thousand years ago, someone on IRC threatened to make a Frasier Markov bot, so I wrote a Python script that parses the TV scripts for all of Frasier Crane's lines: https://github.com/neckro/frasier

This the result of the script, so it should cover the entire series. The Markov bot never happened. I suppose these days you could just feed it into an LLM and have a Frasier of your very own!

Wow thanks for the update, that's some internet lore haha.

Also thanks for the link, will come in handy when I need a Frasier quote to shout to my gf, for reference she hated Frasier until my morning routine for the past 2 years became Coffee + Frasier (ADHD brain be ADHD'ing), she slowly fell in love with the program and we often quote the show at each other.

Edit: Have you seen the new Frasier? Wondering how into the show you were and your opinions on the new one?