spurdify.rb

# encoding: utf-8
Encoding.default_external = Encoding::UTF_8
Encoding.default_internal = Encoding::UTF_8
sound_transforms = {
  /fuck/i => ('fu' + 'g' * rand(1..5)),
  /epic/i => 'ebin',
  /C(?=(?i:[AOULR]))|K/ => 'G',
  /C(?=(?i:[EIY]))|(?<=\b)S/ => 'Z',
  /c(?=(?i:[aoulr]))|k/ => 'g',
  /c(?=(?i:[eiy]))|(?<=\b)s/ => 'z',
  /(?<=\b)th?/ => 'd',
  /(?<=\b)Th?/i => 'D'
}

original = ARGF.read
sound_transforms.each do |regex, replace|
  original.gsub!(regex, replace)
end
original.tr!('PVWpvw', 'BBVbbv')
print original