Simple Drupal monitor script (avoid full bootstrap, check DB and cache availability)

monitor.php

<?php
// OH HAI THARE
// NO CACH PLZ
header( "Cache-Control: no-cache, max-age=0, must-revalidate");
// SET ERROR HANDLR
set_error_handler('monitor_handle_error');
// CAN HAS DRUPAL BOOTSTRAP?
define('DRUPAL_ROOT', __DIR__);
chdir(DRUPAL_ROOT);
require_once 'includes/bootstrap.inc';
try {
  // CAN HAS CONFIGURSHION?
  drupal_bootstrap(DRUPAL_BOOTSTRAP_CONFIGURATION);
  // RESET ERROR HANDLR CUZ BOOTSTRAP OVERRIDE IT
  set_error_handler('monitor_handle_error');
  // CAN HAS DATABAZ?
  drupal_bootstrap(DRUPAL_BOOTSTRAP_DATABASE);
  Database::getConnection();
  // CAN HAS CACHE?
  cache_get('monitor');
  // AWSUM, EVRYTHIN IZ K
  print 'UP';
}
catch (Exception $e) {
  // EXCEPSHUN KATCHD, TRIGGR AN ERROR
  trigger_error($e->getMessage(), E_USER_ERROR);
}

// ERROR HANDLR
function monitor_handle_error($errno, $errstr, $errfile, $errline, $errcontext) {
  // LETS DYE REPORTIN FAILURE
  header("{$_SERVER['SERVER_PROTOCOL']} 500 FAIL");
  die('FAIL');
}
// KTHXBYE