gistfile1.txt

Originally found here: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/3985247459.html

I saw you on the Manhattan-bound Brooklyn Q train.

I was wearing a blue-striped t-shirt and a pair of maroon pants. You were
wearing a vintage red skirt and a smart white blouse. We both wore glasses. I
guess we still do.

You got on at DeKalb and sat across from me and we made eye contact, briefly. I
fell in love with you a little bit, in that stupid way where you completely make
up a fictional version of the person you're looking at and fall in love with
that person. But still I think there was something there.

Several times we looked at each other and then looked away. I tried to think of
something to say to you -- maybe pretend I didn't know where I was going and ask
you for directions or say something nice about your boot-shaped earrings, or
just say, "Hot day." It all seemed so stupid.

At one point, I caught you staring at me and you immediately averted your eyes.
You pulled a book out of your bag and started reading it -- a biography of
Lyndon Johnson -- but I noticed you never once turned a page.

My stop was Union Square, but at Union Square I decided to stay on,
rationalizing that I could just as easily transfer to the 7 at 42nd Street, but
then I didn't get off at 42nd Street either. You must have missed your stop as
well, because when we got all the way to the end of the line at Ditmars, we both
just sat there in the car, waiting.

I cocked my head at you inquisitively. You shrugged and held up your book as if
that was the reason.

Still I said nothing.

We took the train all the way back down -- down through Astoria, across the East
River, weaving through midtown, from Times Square to Herald Square to Union
Square, under SoHo and Chinatown, up across the bridge back into Brooklyn, past
Barclays and Prospect Park, past Flatbush and Midwood and Sheepshead Bay, all
the way to Coney Island. And when we got to Coney Island, I knew I had to say
something.

Still I said nothing.

And so we went back up.

Up and down the Q line, over and over. We caught the rush hour crowds and then
saw them thin out again. We watched the sun set over Manhattan as we crossed the
East River. I gave myself deadlines: I'll talk to her before Newkirk; I'll talk
to her before Canal. Still I remained silent.

For months we sat on the train saying nothing to each other. We survived on bags
of skittles sold to us by kids raising money for their basketball teams. We must
have heard a million mariachi bands, had our faces nearly kicked in by a hundred
thousand break dancers. I gave money to the beggars until I ran out of singles.
When the train went above ground I'd get text messages and voicemails ("Where
are you? What happened? Are you okay?") until my phone ran out of battery.

I'll talk to her before daybreak; I'll talk to her before Tuesday. The longer I
waited, the harder it got. What could I possibly say to you now, now that we've
passed this same station for the hundredth time? Maybe if I could go back to the
first time the Q switched over to the local R line for the weekend, I could have
said, "Well, this is inconvenient," but I couldn't very well say it now, could
I? I would kick myself for days after every time you sneezed -- why hadn't I
said "Bless You"? That tiny gesture could have been enough to pivot us into a
conversation, but here in stupid silence still we sat.

There were nights when we were the only two souls in the car, perhaps even on
the whole train, and even then I felt self-conscious about bothering you. She's
reading her book, I thought, she doesn't want to talk to me. Still, there were
moments when I felt a connection. Someone would shout something crazy about
Jesus and we'd immediately look at each other to register our reactions. A
couple of teenagers would exit, holding hands, and we'd both think: Young Love.

For sixty years, we sat in that car, just barely pretending not to notice each
other. I got to know you so well, if only peripherally. I memorized the folds of
your body, the contours of your face, the patterns of your breath. I saw you cry
once after you'd glanced at a neighbor's newspaper. I wondered if you were
crying about something specific, or just the general passage of time, so
unnoticeable until suddenly noticeable. I wanted to comfort you, wrap my arms
around you, assure you I knew everything would be fine, but it felt too
familiar; I stayed glued to my seat.

One day, in the middle of the afternoon, you stood up as the train pulled into
Queensboro Plaza. It was difficult for you, this simple task of standing up, you
hadn't done it in sixty years. Holding onto the rails, you managed to get
yourself to the door. You hesitated briefly there, perhaps waiting for me to say
something, giving me one last chance to stop you, but rather than spit out a
lifetime of suppressed almost-conversations I said nothing, and I watched you
slip out between the closing sliding doors.

It took me a few more stops before I realized you were really gone. I kept
waiting for you to reenter the subway car, sit down next to me, rest your head
on my shoulder. Nothing would be said. Nothing would need to be said.

When the train returned to Queensboro Plaza, I craned my neck as we entered the
station. Perhaps you were there, on the platform, still waiting. Perhaps I would
see you, smiling and bright, your long gray hair waving in the wind from the
oncoming train.

But no, you were gone. And I realized most likely I would never see you again.
And I thought about how amazing it is that you can know somebody for sixty years
and yet still not really know that person at all.

I stayed on the train until it got to Union Square, at which point I got off and
transferred to the L.