A Significantly Improved Significance Test! Not! (More context in this blogpost: http://www.sumsar.net/blog/2014/02/a-significantly-improved-test/)

significance_test.R

# Test of Significance, takes the same arguments as t.test() .
signif.test <- function(x, ...) {
  p <- t.test(x, ...)$p.value
  
  # List of p excuses retrieved from http://mchankins.wordpress.com/2013/04/21/still-not-significant-2/
  p_excuses <- c(
    "(barely) not statistically significant <p>",
    "a barely detectable statistically significant difference <p>",
    "a borderline significant trend <p>",
    "a certain trend toward significance <p>",
    "a clear tendency to significance <p>",
    "a clear trend <p>",
    "a clear, strong trend <p>",
    "a considerable trend toward significance <p>",
    "a decreasing trend <p>",
    "a definite trend <p>",
    "a distinct trend toward significance <p>",
    "a favorable trend <p>",
    "a favourable statistical trend <p>",
    "a little significant <p>",
    "a margin at the edge of significance <p>",
    "a marginal trend <p>",
    "a marginal trend toward significance <p>",
    "a marked trend <p>",
    "a mild trend <p>",
    "a moderate trend toward significance <p>",
    "a near-significant trend <p>",
    "a negative trend <p>",
    "a nonsignificant trend <p>",
    "a nonsignificant trend toward significance <p>",
    "a notable trend <p>",
    "a numerical increasing trend <p>",
    "a numerical trend <p>",
    "a positive trend <p>",
    "a possible trend <p>",
    "a possible trend toward significance <p>",
    "a pronounced trend <p>",
    "a reliable trend <p>",
    "a robust trend toward significance <p>",
    "a significant trend <p>",
    "a slight slide towards significance <p>",
    "a slight tendency toward significance<p>",
    "a slight trend <p>",
    "a slight trend toward significance <p>",
    "a slightly increasing trend <p>",
    "a small trend <p>",
    "a statistical trend <p>",
    "a statistical trend toward significance <p>",
    "a strong tendency towards statistical significance <p>",
    "a strong trend <p>",
    "a strong trend toward significance <p>",
    "a substantial trend toward significance <p>",
    "a suggestive trend <p>",
    "a trend close to significance <p>",
    "a trend significance level <p>",
    "a trend that approached significance <p>",
    "a very slight trend toward significance <p>",
    "a weak trend <p>",
    "a weak trend toward significance <p>",
    "a worrying trend <p>",
    "all but significant <p>",
    "almost achieved significance <p>",
    "almost approached significance <p>",
    "almost attained significance <p>",
    "almost became significant <p>",
    "almost but not quite significant <p>",
    "almost clinically significant <p>",
    "almost insignificant <p>",
    "almost marginally significant <p>",
    "almost non-significant <p>",
    "almost reached statistical significance <p>",
    "almost significant <p>",
    "almost significant tendency <p>",
    "almost statistically significant <p>",
    "an adverse trend <p>",
    "an apparent trend <p>",
    "an associative trend <p>",
    "an elevated trend <p>",
    "an encouraging trend <p>",
    "an established trend <p>",
    "an evident trend <p>",
    "an expected trend <p>",
    "an important trend <p>",
    "an increasing trend <p>",
    "an interesting trend <p>",
    "an inverse trend toward significance <p>",
    "an observed trend <p>",
    "an obvious trend <p>",
    "an overall trend <p>",
    "an unexpected trend <p>",
    "an unexplained trend <p>",
    "an unfavorable trend <p>",
    "appeared to be marginally significant <p>",
    "approached acceptable levels of statistical significance <p>",
    "approached but did not quite achieve significance <p>",
    "approached but fell short of significance <p>",
    "approached conventional levels of significance <p>",
    "approached near significance <p>",
    "approached our criterion of significance <p>",
    "approached significant <p>",
    "approached the borderline of significance <p>",
    "approached the level of significance <p>",
    "approached trend levels of significance <p>",
    "approached, but did reach, significance <p>",
    "approaches but fails to achieve a customary level of statistical significance <p>",
    "approaches statistical significance <p>",
    "approaching a level of significance <p>",
    "approaching an acceptable significance level <p>",
    "approaching borderline significance <p>",
    "approaching borderline statistical significance <p>",
    "approaching but not reaching significance <p>",
    "approaching clinical significance <p>",
    "approaching close to significance <p>",
    "approaching conventional significance levels <p>",
    "approaching conventional statistical significance <p>",
    "approaching formal significance <p>",
    "approaching independent prognostic significance <p>",
    "approaching marginal levels of significance <p>",
    "approaching marginal significance <p>",
    "approaching more closely significance <p>",
    "approaching our preset significance level <p>",
    "approaching prognostic significance <p>",
    "approaching significance <p>",
    "approaching the traditional significance level <p>",
    "approaching to statistical significance <p>",
    "approaching, although not reaching, significance <p>",
    "approaching, but not reaching, significance <p>",
    "approximately significant <p>",
    "approximating significance <p>",
    "arguably significant <p>",
    "as good as significant <p>",
    "at the brink of significance <p>",
    "at the cusp of significance <p>",
    "at the edge of significance <p>",
    "at the limit of significance <p>",
    "at the limits of significance <p>",
    "at the margin of significance <p>",
    "at the margin of statistical significance <p>",
    "at the verge of significance <p>",
    "at the very edge of significance <p>",
    "barely below the level of significance <p>",
    "barely escaped statistical significance <p>",
    "barely escapes being statistically significant at the 5% risk level <p>",
    "barely failed to attain statistical significance <p>",
    "barely fails to attain statistical significance at conventional levels <p>",
    "barely insignificant <p>",
    "barely missed statistical significance <p>",
    "barely missed the commonly acceptable significance level <p>",
    "barely outside the range of significance <p>",
    "barely significant <p>",
    "below (but verging on) the statistical significant level <p>",
    "better trends of improvement <p>",
    "bordered on a statistically significant value <p>",
    "bordered on being significant <p>",
    "bordered on being statistically significant <p>",
    "bordered on but was not less than the accepted level of significance <p>",
    "bordered on significant <p>",
    "borderline conventional significance <p>",
    "borderline level of statistical significance <p>",
    "borderline significant <p>",
    "borderline significant trends <p>",
    "close to a marginally significant level <p>",
    "close to being significant <p>",
    "close to being statistically significant <p>",
    "close to borderline significance <p>",
    "close to the boundary of significance <p>",
    "close to the level of significance <p>",
    "close to the limit of significance <p>",
    "close to the margin of significance <p>",
    "close to the margin of statistical significance <p>",
    "closely approaches the brink of significance <p>",
    "closely approaches the statistical significance <p>",
    "closely approximating significance <p>",
    "closely not significant <p>",
    "closely significant <p>",
    "close-to-significant <p>",
    "did not achieve conventional threshold levels of statistical significance <p>",
    "did not exceed the conventional level of statistical significance <p>",
    "did not quite achieve acceptable levels of statistical significance <p>",
    "did not quite achieve significance <p>",
    "did not quite achieve the conventional levels of significance <p>",
    "did not quite achieve the threshold for statistical significance <p>",
    "did not quite attain conventional levels of significance <p>",
    "did not quite reach a statistically significant level <p>",
    "did not quite reach conventional levels of statistical significance <p>",
    "did not quite reach statistical significance <p>",
    "did not reach the traditional level of significance <p>",
    "did not reach the usually accepted level of clinical significance <p>",
    "difference was apparent <p>",
    "direction heading towards significance <p>",
    "does not appear to be sufficiently significant <p>",
    "does not narrowly reach statistical significance <p>",
    "does not reach the conventional significance level <p>",
    "effectively significant <p>",
    "equivocal significance <p>",
    "essentially significant <p>",
    "extremely close to significance <p>",
    "failed to reach significance on this occasion <p>",
    "failed to reach statistical significance <p>",
    "fairly close to significance <p>",
    "fairly significant <p>",
    "falls just short of standard levels of statistical significance <p>",
    "fell (just) short of significance <p>",
    "fell barely short of significance <p>",
    "fell just short of significance <p>",
    "fell just short of statistical significance <p>",
    "fell just short of the traditional definition of statistical significance <p>",
    "fell marginally short of significance <p>",
    "fell narrowly short of significance <p>",
    "fell only marginally short of significance <p>",
    "fell only short of significance <p>",
    "fell short of significance <p>",
    "fell slightly short of significance <p>",
    "fell somewhat short of significance <p>",
    "felt short of significance <p>",
    "flirting with conventional levels of significance <p>",
    "heading towards significance <p>",
    "highly significant <p>",
    "hint of significance <p>",
    "hovered around significance <p>",
    "hovered at nearly a significant level <p>",
    "hovering closer to statistical significance <p>",
    "hovers on the brink of significance <p>",
    "in the edge of significance <p>",
    "in the verge of significance <p>",
    "inconclusively significant <p>",
    "indeterminate significance <p>",
    "indicative significance <p>",
    "is just outside the conventional levels of significance <p>",
    "just about significant <p>",
    "just above the arbitrary level of significance <p>",
    "just above the margin of significance <p>",
    "just at the conventional level of significance <p>",
    "just barely below the level of significance <p>",
    "just barely failed to reach significance <p>",
    "just barely insignificant <p>",
    "just barely statistically significant <p>",
    "just beyond significance <p>",
    "just borderline significant <p>",
    "just escaped significance <p>",
    "just failed significance <p>",
    "just failed to be significant <p>",
    "just failed to reach statistical significance <p>",
    "just failing to reach statistical significance <p>",
    "just fails to reach conventional levels of statistical significance <p>",
    "just lacked significance <p>",
    "just marginally significant <p>",
    "just missed being statistically significant <p>",
    "just missing significance <p>",
    "just on the verge of significance <p>",
    "just outside accepted levels of significance <p>",
    "just outside levels of significance <p>",
    "just outside the bounds of significance <p>",
    "just outside the conventional levels of significance <p>",
    "just outside the level of significance <p>",
    "just outside the limits of significance <p>",
    "just outside the traditional bounds of significance <p>",
    "just over the limits of statistical significance <p>",
    "just short of significance <p>",
    "just shy of significance <p>",
    "just skirting the boundary of significance <p>",
    "just tendentially significant <p>",
    "just very slightly missed the significance level <p>",
    "leaning towards significance <p>",
    "leaning towards statistical significance <p>",
    "likely to be significant <p>",
    "loosely significant <p>",
    "marginal significance <p>",
    "marginally and negatively significant <p>",
    "marginally insignificant <p>",
    "marginally nonsignificant <p>",
    "marginally outside the level of significance <p>",
    "marginally significant <p>",
    "marginally significant tendency <p>",
    "marginally statistically significant <p>",
    "may not be significant <p>",
    "medium level of significance <p>",
    "mildly significant <p>",
    "missed narrowly statistical significance <p>",
    "moderately significant <p>",
    "modestly significant <p>",
    "narrowly avoided significance <p>",
    "narrowly eluded statistical significance <p>",
    "narrowly escaped significance <p>",
    "narrowly evaded statistical significance <p>",
    "narrowly failed significance <p>",
    "narrowly missed achieving significance <p>",
    "narrowly missed overall significance <p>",
    "narrowly missed significance <p>",
    "narrowly missed standard significance levels <p>",
    "narrowly missed the significance level <p>",
    "narrowly missing conventional significance <p>",
    "near limit significance <p>",
    "near miss of statistical significance <p>",
    "near nominal significance <p>",
    "near significance <p>",
    "near to statistical significance <p>",
    "near/possible significance<p>",
    "near-borderline significance <p>",
    "near-certain significance <p>",
    "nearing significance <p>",
    "nearly acceptable level of significance <p>",
    "nearly approaches statistical significance <p>",
    "nearly borderline significance <p>",
    "nearly negatively significant <p>",
    "nearly positively significant <p>",
    "nearly reached a significant level <p>",
    "nearly reaching the level of significance <p>",
    "nearly significant <p>",
    "nearly significant tendency <p>",
    "nearly, but not quite significant <p>",
    "near-marginal significance <p>",
    "near-significant <p>",
    "near-to-significance <p>",
    "near-trend significance <p>",
    "nominally significant <p>",
    "non-insignificant result <p>",
    "non-significant in the statistical sense <p>",
    "not absolutely significant but very probably so <p>",
    "not as significant <p>",
    "not clearly significant <p>",
    "not completely significant <p>",
    "not completely statistically significant <p>",
    "not conventionally significant <p>, but..",
    "not currently significant <p>",
    "not decisively significant <p>",
    "not entirely significant <p>",
    "not especially significant <p>",
    "not exactly significant <p>",
    "not extremely significant <p>",
    "not formally significant <p>",
    "not fully significant <p>",
    "not globally significant <p>",
    "not highly significant <p>",
    "not insignificant <p>",
    "not markedly significant <p>",
    "not moderately significant <p>",
    "not non-significant <p>",
    "not numerically significant <p>",
    "not obviously significant <p>",
    "not overly significant <p>",
    "not quite borderline significance <p>",
    "not quite reach the level of significance <p>",
    "not quite significant <p>",
    "not quite within the conventional bounds of statistical significance <p>",
    "not reliably significant <p>",
    "not remarkably significant <p>",
    "not significant by common standards <p>",
    "not significant by conventional standards <p>",
    "not significant by traditional standards <p>",
    "not significant in the formal statistical sense <p>",
    "not significant in the narrow sense of the word <p>",
    "not significant in the normally accepted statistical sense <p>",
    "not significantly significant but..clinically meaningful <p>",
    "not statistically quite significant <p>",
    "not strictly significant <p>",
    "not strictly speaking significant <p>",
    "not technically significant <p>",
    "not that significant <p>",
    "not to an extent that was fully statistically significant <p>",
    "not totally significant <p>",
    "not unequivocally significant <p>",
    "not very definitely significant <p>",
    "not very definitely significant from the statistical point of view <p>",
    "not very far from significance <p>",
    "not very significant <p>",
    "not very statistically significant <p>",
    "not wholly significant <p>",
    "not yet significant <p>",
    "not strongly significant <p>",
    "noticeably significant <p>",
    "on the border of significance <p>",
    "on the borderline of significance <p>",
    "on the borderlines of significance <p>",
    "on the boundaries of significance <p>",
    "on the boundary of significance <p>",
    "on the brink of significance <p>",
    "on the cusp of conventional statistical significance <p>",
    "on the cusp of significance <p>",
    "on the edge of significance <p>",
    "on the limit to significant <p>",
    "on the margin of significance <p>",
    "on the threshold of significance <p>",
    "on the verge of significance <p>",
    "on the very borderline of significance <p>",
    "on the very fringes of significance <p>",
    "on the very limits of significance <p>",
    "only a little short of significance <p>",
    "only just failed to meet statistical significance <p>",
    "only just insignificant <p>",
    "only marginally fails to be significant at the 95% level <p>",
    "only marginally nearly insignificant <p>",
    "only marginally significant <p>",
    "only slightly less than significant <p>",
    "only slightly missed the conventional threshold of significance <p>",
    "only slightly missed the level of significance <p>",
    "only slightly missed the significance level <p>",
    "only slightly non-significant <p>",
    "only slightly significant <p>",
    "partial significance <p>",
    "partially significant <p>",
    "partly significant <p>",
    "perceivable statistical significance <p>",
    "possible significance <p>",
    "possibly marginally significant <p>",
    "possibly significant <p>",
    "possibly statistically significant <p>",
    "potentially significant <p>",
    "practically significant <p>",
    "probably not experimentally significant <p>",
    "probably not significant <p>",
    "probably not statistically significant <p>",
    "probably significant <p>",
    "provisionally significant <p>",
    "quasi-significant <p>",
    "questionably significant <p>",
    "quite close to significance at the 10% level <p>",
    "quite significant <p>",
    "rather marginal significance <p>",
    "reached borderline significance <p>",
    "reached near significance <p>",
    "reasonably significant <p>",
    "remarkably close to significance <p>",
    "resides on the edge of significance <p>",
    "roughly significant <p>",
    "scarcely significant <p>",
    "significant tendency <p>",
    "significant to some degree <p>",
    "significant, or close to significant effects <p>",
    "significantly better overall <p>",
    "significantly significant <p>",
    "similar but not nonsignificant trends <p>",
    "slight evidence of significance <p>",
    "slight non-significance <p>",
    "slight significance <p>",
    "slight tendency toward significance <p>",
    "slightly above the level of significance <p>",
    "slightly below the level of significance <p>",
    "slightly exceeded significance level <p>",
    "slightly failed to reach statistical significance <p>",
    "slightly insignificant <p>",
    "slightly less than needed for significance <p>",
    "slightly marginally significant <p>",
    "slightly missed being of statistical significance <p>",
    "slightly missed statistical significance <p>",
    "slightly missed the conventional level of significance <p>",
    "slightly missed the level of statistical significance <p>",
    "slightly missed the margin of significance <p>",
    "slightly not significant <p>",
    "slightly outside conventional statistical significance <p>",
    "slightly outside the margins of significance <p>",
    "slightly outside the range of significance <p>",
    "slightly outside the significance level <p>",
    "slightly outside the statistical significance level <p>",
    "slightly significant <p>",
    "somewhat marginally significant <p>",
    "somewhat short of significance <p>",
    "somewhat significant <p>",
    "somewhat statistically significant <p>",
    "strong trend toward significance <p>",
    "sufficiently close to significance <p>",
    "suggestive but not quite significant <p>",
    "suggestive of a significant trend <p>",
    "suggestive of statistical significance <p>",
    "suggestively significant <p>",
    "tailed to insignificance <p>",
    "tantalisingly close to significance <p>",
    "technically not significant <p>",
    "teetering on the brink of significance <p>",
    "tend to significant <p>",
    "tended to approach significance <p>",
    "tended to be significant <p>",
    "tended toward significance <p>",
    "tendency toward significance <p>",
    "tendency toward statistical significance <p>",
    "tends to approach significance <p>",
    "tentatively significant <p>",
    "too far from significance <p>",
    "trend bordering on statistical significance <p>",
    "trend in a significant direction <p>",
    "trend in the direction of significance <p>",
    "trend significance level <p>",
    "trend toward <p>",
    "trending towards significance <p>",
    "trending towards significant <p>",
    "uncertain significance <p>",
    "vaguely significant <p>",
    "verged on being significant <p>",
    "verging on significance <p>",
    "verging on the statistically significant <p>",
    "verging-on-significant <p>",
    "very close to approaching significance <p>",
    "very close to significant <p>",
    "very close to the conventional level of significance <p>",
    "very close to the cut-off for significance <p>",
    "very close to the established statistical significance level of p=0.05 <p>",
    "very close to the threshold of significance <p>",
    "very closely approaches the conventional significance level <p>",
    "very closely brushed the limit of statistical significance <p>",
    "very narrowly missed significance <p>",
    "very nearly significant <p>",
    "very slightly non-significant <p>",
    "very slightly significant <p>",
    "virtually significant <p>",
    "weak significance <p>",
    "weakened..significance <p>",
    "weakly non-significant <p>",
    "weakly significant <p>",
    "weakly statistically significant <p>",
    "well-nigh significant <p>")
  
  cat("  Test of Significance\n")
  cat("\n")
  cat("H0: p will be more than 0.05\n")
  cat("H1: p will be less than 0.05\n")
  cat("\n")
  cat("  Result\n")
  
  if(p < 0.0001) {
    cat("significant beyond doubt (p < 0.0001)\n")
  } else if(p < 0.001) {
    cat("extremely significant (p < 0.001)\n")
  } else if(p < 0.01) {
    cat(paste("highly significant (p = ",  round(p, 4) , ")\n", sep="" ))
  } else if(p < 0.05) {
    cat(paste("significant (p = ",  round(p, 4) , ")\n", sep="" ))
  } else if(p < 0.12) {
    excuse <- gsub("<p>", paste("(p = ", round(p, 4), ")",sep=""), p_excuses[sample(seq_along(p_excuses), 1)])
    cat(excuse, "\n")
  } else {
   cat("not significant (n.s.)") 
  }
  invisible(p)
}