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February 10, 2010 16:33
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CONDOM(1) EUNUCH Programmer's Manual CONDOM(1) | |
NAME | |
condom - Protection against viruses and prevention of child | |
processes | |
SYNOPSIS | |
condom [options] [processid] | |
DESCRIPTION | |
_condom_ provides protection against System Transmitted | |
Viruses (STVs) that may invade your system. Although the spread of | |
such viruses across a network can only be abated by aware and cautious | |
users, _condom_ is the only highly-effective means of preventing | |
viruses from entering your system (see celibacy(1)). Any data passed | |
to _condom_ by the protected process will be blocked, as specified by | |
the value of the -s option (see OPTIONS below). _condom_ is known to | |
defend against the following viruses and other malicious | |
afflictions... | |
o AIDS | |
o Herpes Simplex (genital varieties) | |
o Syphilis | |
o Crabs | |
o Genital warts | |
o Gonorrhea | |
o Chlamydia | |
o Michelangelo | |
o Jerusalem | |
When used alone or in conjunction with pill(1), sponge(1), | |
foam(1), and/or setiud(3), _condom_ also prevents the conception of a | |
child process. If invoked from within a synchronous process, _condom_ | |
has, by default, an 80% chance of preventing the external processes | |
from becoming parent processes (see the -s option below). When other | |
process contraceptives are used, the chance of preventing a child | |
process from being forked becomes much greater. See pill(1), | |
sponge(1), foam(1), and setiud(3) for more information. | |
If no options are given, the current user's login process (as | |
determined by the environment variable USER) is protected with a | |
Trojan rough-cut latex condom without a reservoir tip. The optional | |
'processid' argument is an integer specifying the process to protect. | |
NOTE: _condom_ may only be used with a hard disk. _condom_ | |
will terminate abnormally with exit code -1 if used with a floppy | |
disk (see DIAGNOSTICS below). | |
OPTIONS | |
The following options may be given to _condom_... | |
-b BRAND BRANDs are as follows... | |
trojan (default) | |
ramses | |
sheik | |
goldcoin | |
fourex | |
-m MATERIAL The valid MATERIALs are... | |
latex (default) | |
saranwrap | |
membrane -- WARNING! The membrane option is _not_ | |
endorsed by the System Administrator General as an | |
effective barrier against certain viruses. It is | |
supported only for the sake of tradition. | |
-f FLAVOR The following FLAVORs are currently supported... | |
plain (default) | |
apple | |
banana | |
cherry | |
cinnamon | |
licorice | |
orange | |
peppermint | |
raspberry | |
spearmint | |
strawberry | |
-r Toggle reservoir tip (default is no reservoir tip) | |
-s STRENGTH STRENGTH is an integer between 20 and 100 specifying | |
the resilience of _condom_ against data passed to | |
_condom_ by the protected process. Using a larger | |
value of STRENGTH increases _condom_'s protective | |
abilities, but also reduces interprocess communication. | |
A smaller value of STRENGTH increases interprocess | |
communication, but also increases the likelihood of a | |
security breach. An extremely vigorous process or | |
one passing an enormous amount of data to _condom_ | |
will increase the chance of _condom_'s failure. The | |
default STRENGTH is 80%. | |
-t TEXTURE Valid TEXTUREs are... | |
rough (default) | |
ribbed | |
bumps | |
lubricated (provides smoother interaction between | |
processes) | |
WARNING: The use of an external application to _condom_ in | |
order to reduce friction between processes has been proven in | |
benchmark tests to decrease _condom_'s strength factor! If execution | |
speed is important to your process, use the '-t lubricated' option. | |
DIAGNOSTICS | |
_condom_ terminates with one of the following exit codes... | |
-1 An attempt was made to use _condom_ on a floppy disk. | |
0 _condom_ exited successfully (no data was passed to | |
the synchronous process). | |
1 _condom_ failed and data was allowed through. The | |
danger of transmission of an STV or the forking of a child | |
process is inversely proportional to the number of other | |
protections employed and is directly proportional to | |
the ages of the processes involved. | |
BUGS | |
_condom_ is NOT 100% effective at preventing a child process | |
from being forked or at deterring the invasion of a virus (although | |
the System Administrator General has deemed that _condom_ is the most | |
effective means of preventing the spread of system transmitted | |
viruses). See celibacy(1) for information on a 100% effective program | |
for preventing these problems. | |
Remember... the use of sex(1) and other related routines | |
should only occur between mature, consenting processes. If you must | |
use sex(1), please employ _condom_ to protect your process and your | |
synchronous process. If we are all responsible, we can stop the | |
spread of STVs. | |
AUTHORS and HISTORY | |
The original version of _condom_ was released in Roman times | |
and was only marginally effective. With the advent of modern | |
technology, _condom_ now supports many more options and is much more | |
effective. | |
The current release of _condom_ was written by Ken Maupin at | |
the University of Washington (maupin@cs.washington.edu) and was last | |
updated on 10/7/92. | |
SEE ALSO | |
celibacy(1), sex(1), pill(1), sponge(1), foam(1), and | |
setiud(3) |
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