Social Contract

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SOCIAL CONTRACT

This social contract is made and entered into this 4th day of July 1776 [but in reality, probably long before the making of the world itself] by and between the party of the first part [also known as "the territorial monopoly on violence commonly referred to as the United States of America"] and the party of the second part [also known as "We the People" or "y'all" or "all you mundanes out there" including all subsequent generations of "We the People"].

WHEREAS the party of the first part is engaged in the business of making the world safe for democracy, being a city on a hill, sending men to the moon, and any and all other things that nation-states may do (whether lawful or unlawful, moral or immoral, thoughtful or reckless, etc.); and

WHEREAS the party of the second part is generally engaged in the business of just trying to make ends meet and provide for their families;

NOW THEREFORE in consideration of the mutual covenants herein contained, and other good and valuable consideration, the parties hereto mutually agree as follows:

    The party of the first part agrees to provide the party of the second part with the following goods and services and all the rights, privileges, and appurtenances appertaining thereto:

    a. Roads (it is understood that the party of the first part makes no representations or warranties as to the working condition, safety, or availability of use of such roads as the party of the first part may, in its sole discretion, from time to time, decide to construct, refurbish, demolish, or wish for);

    b. Bridges (see disclaimer above in section 1.a.);

    c. Tunnels (see disclaimer above in section 1.a.);

    d. Highways (see disclaimer above in section 1.a.);

    e. Police (again, it is understood that the party of the first part makes no representations or warranties as to the qualifications or expertise of such police officers as it may in its sole discretion from time to time decide to employ, authorize to ransack the dwelling place of the party of the second part, or generally give free rein to wreak havoc; it is further understood that in the event that the party of the second part finds the quality of service provided under this section to be in any way deficient, the sole recourse available to the party of the second part shall be to file a complaint in the courts provided for below in section 1.i.);

    f. Standing armies (to include such various branches as from time to time the party of the first part may in its sole discretion determine to be necessary, useful, or nice to look at when they line all the jet plans up in rows on the decks of an aircraft carrier);

    g. Clean water (the definition of “clean” shall be determined in accordance with guidelines to be published by an expert who shall be appointed by, paid by, and solely responsible to the party of the first part);

    h. Clean air (see above, section 1.g. regarding the definition of “clean”);

    i. Justice system (to include such courts, tribunals, administrative agencies, kangaroo courts, star chambers, juvenile detention centers, jails, prisons, unlawful combatant detainment zones as the party of the first part may from time to time decide to establish in its sole discretion; it is further understood that the party of the first part makes no representations or warranties as to the quality of the justice produced under this subsection and any grievance by the party of the second part as to the quality of said justice or lack thereof shall be remedied by a such courts, tribunals, etc. as are already established under this subsection otherwise the party of the second part can just go jump off a cliff); and

    j. Such other and further goods and services as the party of the first part may from time to time deem necessary to promote the general welfare of the party of the second part regardless of whether the party of the second parts wants or needs such goods and services which the party of the first part may in its sole discretion decide to provide.

    Regardless of any consideration inherent in the good and services provided by the party of the first part, the party of the second part is bound to this agreement so long as the party of the first part says so and agrees to do the following:

    a. Never, under any circumstances, question the existence or legitimacy of this agreement or in any way taken any action that would disparage this agreement or the possible motives of the party of first part in entering this agreement;

    b. Pay all taxes, levies, fines, fees, penalties, etc. that the party of the first part shall from time to time, in its sole discretion, impose or request for collection;

    In the event that the party of the first part deems the party of the second part to be in breach of any of the provisions of this agreement, the party of the first part shall have the right to detain, harass, threaten, injure, imprison, or kill the party of the second party or take any other action that the party of the first part shall, in its sole discretion, deem necessary to keep the rest of you mundanes from getting too rowdy.

    In the even that the party of the second part believes that the party of the first part is in breach of any of the provisions of this agreement the party of the second part may vote for, plead with, beg, cajole, and scream at, the party of the first part (so long as such actions are not deemed disruptive by the party of the first part). In the event that such pleading, etc. is ignored by the party of the first part and the party of the second part still believes he or she is aggrieved: tough.