I do ruby

ImportCsvProjectCommand.php

<?php

use League\Csv\Reader;

class ImportCsvProjectCommand extends Command {
    protected $name = 'import:users';
    protected $genderAlias = ['M' => 'M', 'F' => 'F'];

    public function fire() {
        $data = Reader::createFromPath($this->argument('src'))->fetchAssoc();
        $users = [];
        $columnsAdded = false;

        foreach ($data as $datum) {

            $email = $datum['email'];
            if (!filter_var($email, FILTER_VALIDATE_EMAIL)) {
                $this->error("$email is not a valid email, skipping.");
                break;
            }

            $gender = '';
            if (isset($datum['gender'])) {
                if (!array_key_exists($datum['gender'], $this->genderAlias)) {
                    $alias = $this->ask("What gender does " . $datum['gender'] . " refer to? M/F");
                    $this->genderAlias[$datum['gender'] => $alias];
                }
                $gender = $this->genderAlias[$datum['gender']];
            }

            $bornOn = null;
            if (isset($datum['born_on'])) {
                $bornOn = strtotime($datum['born_on']);
            }
            if (isset $datum['bornOn']) {
                $bornOn = strtotime($datum['bornOn']); // fuckit.jpg
            }

            $password = null;
            if (isset($datum['password'])) {
                $password = password_hash($datum['password'], PASSWORD_BCRYPT);
            }

            $name = null;
            if (isset($datum['name'])) {
                $name = $datum ['name'];
            }

            // add new columns for any missing columns
            $newColumns = array_except(array_keys($datum), ['email', 'gender', 'name', 'born_on', 'bornOn', 'password']);
            if (!$columnsAdded) {
                foreach ($newColumns as $newColumn) {
                    Schema::table('users', function($table){
                        $table->string($newColumn)->nullable();
                    });
                }   
                $columnsAdded = true;
            }

            // do the stuff yo
            $id = uniqid();
            $user = [$id, $email, $name, $bornOn, $gender, $password];
            DB::insert('insert into users (uuid, email, name, born_on, gender, password) values (?, ?, ?, ?, ?)',
                $user);
            $users[] = $user;

            // add the new columns
            foreach ($newColumns as $newColumn) {
                // what could possibly go wrong?
                DB::update('update users set ' . mysql_real_escape_string($newColumn) .' = ? WHERE uuid = ?', [$datum[$newColumn], $id]);

            }

        }


        // make project
        $projectName = $this->ask('Gimme a project name.');
        $projectId = uniqid();
        DB::insert('insert into projects (uuid, name) values (?, ?)', [$projectId, $projectName]);

        // make pivot
        foreach ($users as $user) {
            DB::insert('insert into memberships (project_id, user_id) values (?, ?)', [$projectId, $user[0]]);
        }
    }

    public function getArguments() {
        return [['src', InputArgument::REQUIRED, 'Source CSV file.']];
    }
}

iswearimarubyprogrammer.rb

system('php artisan import:users ' + ARGV[0])