dinner

dinner

WELCOME TO THE REPORT.  GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US. 

NATION, I AM BOILING WITH RAGE. BECAUSE TODAY 
[TAKE: OTS: OBAMA SIGNING EXEC ORDER]
PRESIDENT O-HANDOUT SIGNED AN EXECUTIVE ORDER RAISING THE MINIMUM WAGE FOR GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEES TO TEN DOLLARS AND TEN CENTS AN HOUR.  THAT'S AN OUTRAGEOUS WASTE OF MY TAX DOLLARS.  PLUS, THE ONLY THING I LIKE ABOUT GOING TO THE D-M-V IS KNOWING THAT THE WORKERS ARE AS MISERABLE AS I LOOK IN MY 
[TAKE: OTS: HORRIBLE LICENSE PHOTO OF STEPHEN]
DRIVERS LICENSE PHOTO.  

FOLKS, THIS IS JUST MORE PROOF THAT
[TAKE: OTS: OBAMA]
THE PRESIDENT IS A WONDERFUL HOST.  (CATCHES SELF) I MEAN, IS POWER-MAD TYRANT AND IT IS TIME WE SEND HIM A THANK YOU NOTE FOR A LOVELY EVENING. (CATCHES SELF) I MEAN, SEND A MESSAGE AT THE BALLOT BOX IN NOVEMBER.

I'M SORRY, FOLKS, I'M JUST NOT MYSELF TONIGHT.  JIM, TELL THEM WHY.
(SOT)
[TAKE: SOT: WHO WAS INVITED MONTAGE--AINSLEY EARHARDT 02/12 FOX: THE FIRST STATE DINNER OF PRESIDENT OBAMA'S SECOND TERM FULL OF A-LIST CELEBRITIES. (FLASH) JON KARL: ACTOR BRADLEY COOPER AND HIS SUPERMODEL GIRLFRIEND (FLASH) MARY J. BLIGE, THE FIRST OPENLY GAY NBA PLAYER JASON COLLINS (FLASH) BERMAN: ALSO THERE TALK SHOW HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. t=:14]
(ONCAM)
[TAKE: OTS: SG STEPHEN AT WHITE HOUSE]
THE TV IS RIGHT!  I WAS AT THE WHITE HOUSE STATE DINNER! AND IT WAS MAGICAL!  

HERE'S THE CARD THAT TELLS YOU WHAT TABLE YOU'RE AT. 
[TAKE: PROP: NAME PLACARD]
I WAS AT TABLE NINETEEN. A GOOD ONE. HERE'S THE LITTLE
[TAKE: PROP: MENU]
 MENU.  THAT'S A SOLID GOLD TASSLE, I BELIEVE.  AND I ALSO STOLE
[TAKE: PROP: FANCY GRAVY BOAT]
(GRAVY BOAT)
THE GRAVY BOAT. (THROWS)
 
AND FOLKS, THIS WAS 'THE' STATE DINNER TO BE INVITED TO.  IT WAS IN HONOR OF 
[TAKE: OTS: HOLLANDE]
FRENCH PRESIDENT AND THOUGHTFUL CROISSANT FRANCOIS HOLLANDE.

WHEN LAST WE DISHED ON FRANCOIS' PRIVATE LIFE, LA MERDE WAS HITTING LE FAN.  BECAUSE HE HAD BEEN CAUGHT STEPPING OUT ON 
[TAKE: OTS: ADD: VALERIE TRIERWEILER]
FRANCE'S FIRST LADY VALERIE TRIERWEILER, WHO HE'S NOT MARRIED TO, WITH 
[TAKE: OTS: ADD: JULIE GAYET]
A SECOND LADY, ACTRESS JULIE GAYET. SO LAST NIGHT THERE WAS ONE BIG QUESTION HANGING OVER THIS DINNER:
(SOT)
[TAKE: SOT: SEATING MONTAGE MALVEAUX  01/23 CNN: Who is he going to bring along as France's First Lady? (FLASH) ANITA MCBRIDE 02/11 CNN: When you have a foreign guest (FLASH) our president and first lady would be seated next to the spouse. (FLASH) PETER ALEXANDER 02/11: As of late last night, organizers here at the white house hadn't even decided who would get that coveted seat (CUT) typically reserved for the visiting leader's spouse. T=:29]
(ONCAM)
[TAKE: OTS: MR. AND MRS. OBAMA]
SO IT ALL CAME DOWN TO WHO WOULD BE SEATED NEXT TO MRS. OBAMA.
(VO)
[TAKE: VO: PAN SHOT OF OBAMA, THEN HOLLAND, THEN MICHELLE, THEN STEPHEN! ]
WELL, LET'S SEE. THERE'S THE PRESIDENT, THERE'S FRANCOIS HOLLANDE, THERE'S MICHELLE OBAMA, AND WHO'S NEXT TO HER?  IT'S ME!!!!!!
(ONCAM)
[TAKE: OTS: STEPHEN AT TABLE WITH HOLLANDE, MICHELLE AND OBAMA]
WHAT?  I'M THE FIRST LADY OF FRANCE!
[TAKE: L3: FLASHING: FIRST LADY OF FRANCE]
[TAKE: CART: FRENCH NATIONAL ANTHEM] 
[TAKE: PROPS: ROSES THROWN AT STEPHEN FROM OFF-CAM]
MERCI MERCI!!! C'EST UNE GRANDE HONNEUR!

LET ME GET FRENCH HERE.  I'VE GOT MY BERET.  MY BAGUETTE. I'LL NEED TO START SMOKING CIGARETTES.  AND, OF COURSE, I'LL NEED TO START SMOKING BAGUETTES. 
[TAKE: PROP: , BERET, BAGUETTE, LIT CIGARETTE, LIGHTER]

OH, NATION, THIS IS SO  MUCH RESPONSIBILITY!  EVERY FIRST LADY HAS HER INITIATIVES.  
[TAKE: OTS: MICHELLE OBAMA]
MICHELLE OBAMA'S ARE NUTRITION AND MILITARY FAMILIES.

MINE WILL BE REVIVING THE 
[TAKE: OTS: GUILLOTINE]
GUILLOTINE AND FINALLY BRINGING 
[TAKE: OTS: ADD JEAN VALJEAN]
JEAN VALJEAN TO JUSTICE!  NO FREE BREAD, CRIMINAL!

BUT NATION, MY NEW ROLE AS PREMIERE DAME DE LA FRANCE WON'T IMPACT THE REPORT.  SURE, THE SHOW WILL NOW BE MADE WITH 
[TAKE: OTS: BUTTER]
EVEN MORE BUTTER, AND MY CLASSIC SEGMENTS WILL BE RENAMED
[TAKE: OTS: CHEATING DEATH NOW CALLED: TROMPER LA MORT]
TROMPER LA MORT, 
[TAKE: OTS: THREATDOWN LABELED ENUMÉRATION DES MENACES]
ENUMERATION DES MENACES, AND
[TAKE: OTS: TIP WAG LABELED: COUP DE CHAPEAU REMUE DU DOIGT]
COUP DE CHAPEAU, REMUE DU DOIGT.  SPEAKING OF, (TIPS HAT) UN COUP DE CHAPEAU TO 
[TAKE: OTS: BARRY]
A GUY FROM MONTREAL ON STAFF.  

BUT I'M STILL THE SAME OLD STEPHEN COLBERT. BUT FROM NOW ON, I'LL BE USING THE FRENCH PRONUNCIATION.

(CAM TURN)

[NOTE:**SOURCE MATERIAL FOLLOWS**]