Funny Quotes

funnyQuotes.json

[
  {
    "author":"Abraham Lincoln",
    "quote":"No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar."
  },
  {
    "author":"Albert Einstein",
    "quote":"When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity."
  },
  {
    "author":"Alexander Woollcott",
    "quote":"Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening."
  },
  {
    "author":"Alfred Hitchcock",
    "quote":"Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs."
  },
  {
    "author":"Alice Roosevelt Longworth",
    "quote":"If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me."
  },
  {
    "author":"Anthony Burgess",
    "quote":"Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone."
  },
  {
    "author":"Arthur C. Clarke",
    "quote":"The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale."
  },
  {
    "author":"Benjamin Franklin",
    "quote":"Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy."
  },
  {
    "author":"Bill Copeland",
    "quote":"After all is said and done, sit down."
  },
  {
    "author":"Bill Moyers",
    "quote":"I own and operate a ferocious ego."
  },
  {
    "author":"Bill Vaughan",
    "quote":"The tax collector must love poor people, he's creating so many of them."
  },
  {
    "author":"Bill Watterson",
    "quote":"Reality continues to ruin my life."
  },
  {
    "author":"Billy Connolly",
    "quote":"My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger."
  },
  {
    "author":"Buddy Hackett",
    "quote":"As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
  },
  {
    "author":"Casey Stengel",
    "quote":"All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height."
  },
  {
    "author":"Clint Eastwood",
    "quote":"They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning."
  },
  {
    "author":"Dave Barry",
    "quote":"The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl."
  },
  {
    "author":"Don Marquis",
    "quote":"Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday."
  },
  {
    "author":"Don Marquis",
    "quote":"An idea isn't responsible for the people who believe in it."
  },
  {
    "author":"Douglas Adams",
    "quote":"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
  },
  {
    "author":"E. B. White",
    "quote":"Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts."
  },
  {
    "author":"Elayne Boosler",
    "quote":"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three."
  },
  {
    "author":"Elbert Hubbard",
    "quote":"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
  },
  {
    "author":"Eldridge Cleaver",
    "quote":"Too much agreement kills a chat."
  },
  {
    "author":"Ellen DeGeneres",
    "quote":"People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant."
  },
  {
    "author":"Ellen DeGeneres",
    "quote":"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is."
  },
  {
    "author":"Elon Musk",
    "quote":"I would like to die on Mars. Just not on impact."
  },
  {
    "author":"Emo Philips",
    "quote":"I was the kid next door's imaginary friend."
  },
  {
    "author":"Erma Bombeck",
    "quote":"Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving."
  },
  {
    "author":"Fran Lebowitz",
    "quote":"Food is an important part of a balanced diet."
  },
  {
    "author":"Frank Sinatra",
    "quote":"I'm for whatever gets you through the night."
  },
  {
    "author":"Franklin P. Jones",
    "quote":"One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody's listening."
  },
  {
    "author":"George Bernard Shaw",
    "quote":"If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance."
  },
  {
    "author":"George Burns",
    "quote":"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
  },
  {
    "author":"George Carlin",
    "quote":"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck."
  },
  {
    "author":"Groucho Marx",
    "quote":"A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five."
  },
  {
    "author":"Hedy Lamarr",
    "quote":"Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid."
  },
  {
    "author":"Henny Youngman",
    "quote":"If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late."
  },
  {
    "author":"Henry A. Kissinger",
    "quote":"There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full."
  },
  {
    "author":"Herb Caen",
    "quote":"I have a memory like an elephant. I remember every elephant I've ever met."
  },
  {
    "author":"Hillary Clinton",
    "quote":"If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle."
  },
  {
    "author":"Isaac Asimov",
    "quote":"People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do."
  },
  {
    "author":"Jane Wagner",
    "quote":"All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific."
  },
  {
    "author":"Jane Wagner",
    "quote":"When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic."
  },
  {
    "author":"Jerry Seinfeld",
    "quote":"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper."
  },
  {
    "author":"Jim Carrey",
    "quote":"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."
  },
  {
    "author":"Joan Rivers",
    "quote":"I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio."
  },
  {
    "author":"Joey Adams",
    "quote":"Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you."
  },
  {
    "author":"Josh Billings",
    "quote":"There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together."
  },
  {
    "author":"Josh Billings",
    "quote":"Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed."
  },
  {
    "author":"Katharine Hepburn",
    "quote":"Life is hard. After all, it kills you."
  },
  {
    "author":"Lana Turner",
    "quote":"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."
  },
  {
    "author":"Laurence J. Peter",
    "quote":"If two wrongs don't make a right, try three."
  },
  {
    "author":"Laurence J. Peter",
    "quote":"Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it."
  },
  {
    "author":"Laurence J. Peter",
    "quote":"If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk?"
  },
  {
    "author":"Lenny Bruce",
    "quote":"Miami Beach is where neon goes to die."
  },
  {
    "author":"Lily Tomlin",
    "quote":"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."
  },
  {
    "author":"Luis Bunuel",
    "quote":"Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese."
  },
  {
    "author":"Mae West",
    "quote":"Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before."
  },
  {
    "author":"Margaret Mead",
    "quote":"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
  },
  {
    "author":"Mark Twain",
    "quote":"Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please."
  },
  {
    "author":"Mark Twain",
    "quote":"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company."
  },
  {
    "author":"Mark Twain",
    "quote":"All generalizations are false, including this one."
  },
  {
    "author":"Mel Brooks",
    "quote":"If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets."
  },
  {
    "author":"Milton Berle",
    "quote":"A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours."
  },
  {
    "author":"Milton Berle",
    "quote":"We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight."
  },
  {
    "author":"Mitch Hedberg",
    "quote":"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."
  },
  {
    "author":"Oliver Herford",
    "quote":"A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often."
  },
  {
    "author":"Oscar Levant",
    "quote":"Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I."
  },
  {
    "author":"Oscar Wilde",
    "quote":"I can resist everything except temptation."
  },
  {
    "author":"P. J. O'Rourke",
    "quote":"Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely."
  },
  {
    "author":"Paul Simon",
    "quote":"I was eating in a Chinese restaurant downtown. There was a dish called Mother and Child Reunion. It's chicken and eggs. And I said, I gotta use that one."
  },
  {
    "author":"Phyllis Diller",
    "quote":"The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron."
  },
  {
    "author":"Red Skelton",
    "quote":"Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime."
  },
  {
    "author":"Richard Dawkins",
    "quote":"By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out."
  },
  {
    "author":"Robert Benchley",
    "quote":"Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing."
  },
  {
    "author":"Robert Byrne",
    "quote":"Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell."
  },
  {
    "author":"Robin Williams",
    "quote":"I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you."
  },
  {
    "author":"Robin Williams",
    "quote":"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
  },
  {
    "author":"Rodney Dangerfield",
    "quote":"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."
  },
  {
    "author":"Rodney Dangerfield",
    "quote":"I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people."
  },
  {
    "author":"Rodney Dangerfield",
    "quote":"I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap."
  },
  {
    "author":"Ron White",
    "quote":"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."
  },
  {
    "author":"Samuel Johnson",
    "quote":"One of the disadvantages of wine is that it makes a man mistake words for thoughts."
  },
  {
    "author":"Spike Milligan",
    "quote":"A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree."
  },
  {
    "author":"Steve Martin",
    "quote":"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."
  },
  {
    "author":"Steve Martin",
    "quote":"Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!"
  },
  {
    "author":"Terry Pratchett",
    "quote":"The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it."
  },
  {
    "author":"Theodore Roosevelt",
    "quote":"If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month."
  },
  {
    "author":"Thomas A. Edison",
    "quote":"The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around."
  },
  {
    "author":"Thomas Sowell",
    "quote":"It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance."
  },
  {
    "author":"Thor Heyerdahl",
    "quote":"Progress is man's ability to complicate simplicity."
  },
  {
    "author":"W. H. Auden",
    "quote":"We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know."
  },
  {
    "author":"Walt Disney",
    "quote":"I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known."
  },
  {
    "author":"Will Rogers",
    "quote":"Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for."
  },
  {
    "author":"William Feather",
    "quote":"If you're naturally kind, you attract a lot of people you don't like."
  },
  {
    "author":"Wilson Mizner",
    "quote":"Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something."
  },
  {
    "author":"Winston Churchill",
    "quote":"I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly."
  },
  {
    "author":"Woody Allen",
    "quote":"I failed to make the chess team because of my height."
  },
  {
    "author":"Yogi Berra",
    "quote":"I never said most of the things I said."
  },
  {
    "author":"Yogi Berra",
    "quote":"Even Napoleon had his Watergate."
  }
]

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