pun of the week.txt

1.	The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
2.	Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine.
3.	A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. 'Are you the friar?' he asks. 'No. I'm the chip monk,' he replies.
4.	A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
5.	Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
6.	Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.
7.	The little old woman who lived in a shoe wasn't the sole owner - there were strings attached.
8.	England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
9.	If you pour a bottle of dressing into another bottle of dressing, is that cross-dressing?
10.	I'm not a big fan of archery. It has too many drawbacks.
11.	The best way to communicate with a fish is to drop them a line.
12.	The painter was hospitalized due to too many strokes.
13.	After 10 pints I was dangerously weaving in the middle of the road. I thought it would probably be safer to make the basket at home.
14.	To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
15.	When the window fell into the incinerator, it was a pane in the ash to retrieve.
16.	The store keeps calling me to come back and buy more bedroom furniture, but all I really wanted was one night stand.
17.	I put my root beer in a square cup. Now it's just beer.
18.	I've been to the dentist several times so I know the drill.
19.	The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but the new guy screwed everything up.
20.	I decided that becoming a vegetarian was a missed steak.
21.	I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
22.	The one who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize.
23.	A Photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. The Photon replies “No I’m traveling light”.
24.	I’d tell you a UDP joke, but you may not get it.
25.	This sentence contains exactly threee erors.
26.	I usually take steps to avoid elevators.
27.	I tried to look up impotence on the Internet but nothing came up.
28.	Always trust a glue salesman. They tend to stick to their word.
29.	Waldo, from "Where's Waldo", wears stripes, because he doesn't want to be spotted.
30.	It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
31.	Why was the orange sad? He had peelings for the apple.	
32.	Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
33.	The coffee tasted like mud because it was ground a couple of minutes ago.
34.	Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?
35.	In the room the curtains were drawn, but the rest of the furniture was real.
36.	A noun and a verb were dating but they broke up because the noun was too possessive.
37.	The owner of the hair salon had to make cuts on his staff.
38.	I've always pictured myself taking selfies.
39.	The plumber had to quit his job because it was too much of a drain.
40.	Scientists have created a flea from scratch.
41.	A curling iron is a permanent solution to a hairy problem.
42.	A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says “make me one with everything”. The vendor makes the hot dog and hands it to the Buddhist monk, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. “Excuse me, but where’s my change?” asks the Buddhist monk. The vendor replied, “Change must come from within”.
43.	My fear of planes has taken off.
44.	I just invented a new word: Plagiarism
45.	The wolf tried to sing, but he didn't know howl
46.	My friend's bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.
47.	How does NASA organize a party? They planet
48.	A new computer shop has just opened up. It is located on Boot Drive.
49.	I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
50.	A mosquito is the oldest known skin-diver.
51.	What did the ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.
52.	Do birds know where they're going when they fly south for the winter or do they just wing it every time?
53.	I don't trust these stairs, because they are always up to something.
54.	As the carburetor chuckled to the air filter, 'I guess the choke's on me!'
55.	I've been trying to come up with a joke about a Mobius strip but I don't know where to begin.
56.	People might think I'm a bit of a square, but that just means I'm exactly right on every angle.
57.	I used to have a pet leech. It was attached to me.
58.	With copper unavailable, continued operation of the mint would make no cents.
59.	Did you hear about the crime that happened in a parking garage? It was wrong on so many levels.
60.	I beat the eggs and I whip the cream, but the onion always makes me cry.
61.	The divers had to be careful, the octopus was heavily armed.
62.	Are you telling the truth if you lie in bed?
63.	I don't like tops of stairs. They always bring me down.
64.	Deep cuts were made in the guillotine industry and heads rolled.
65.	Broken puppets for sale. No strings attached.
66.	I shouldn't have plugged my iPhone into the PC at the kitchen. It's now in the sync.
67.	When the cigarette lighter salesman tried to win back his old flame he found that he had met his match.
68.	Murder with knives is very messy, and I suggest not taking a stab at it.
69.	After manually rotating the heavy machinery, the worker grew very cranky.
70.	I had a hand in the puppet show.
71.	I planned to find my watch today, but I didn't have the time.
72.	How high do you have to be to adopt a mouse as your son and name it Stuart? A Little
73.	Do not trust atoms! They make up everything.
74.	If you want a big bang for your dollar, buying balloons is okay, but buying wood to build a fire works.
75.	People who plug their computer keyboards into hi-fi systems aren't idiots. That would be stereotyping.
76.	Trust your calculator. It's something to count on.
77.	Just because you're trash doesn't mean you can't do great things. It's called garbage can, not garbage cannot!
78.	How did Mister Nucleus escape from prison? Through the cell wall.
79.	It's quiet in a bowling alley because you can hear a pin drop.
80.	A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy.
81.	A good pun is its own reword.
82.	A hurricane is a stick used to encourage speed.
83.	The carpenter purchased his measuring stick at a yard sale last week.
84.	The leopard was so good at guessing. Every time he was spot on.
85.	Despite pressure to clean up their act, most dirtbags live in a vacuum.
86.	Two pencils decided to have a race. The outcome was a draw.
87.	I asked a librarian if she was free this afternoon, she said she was all booked up.
88.	Some people say I'm addicted to summersaults, but that's just how I roll.
89.	We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
90.	I met a quantum physicist the other day, he had a few quarks.
91.	What makes a pig pink? Pigment!
92.	Where do cavemen store their weapons? In the clubhouse.
93.	What's the tallest building in the city? The library because it's so many stories high!
94.	People who help you find what you are looking for in the liquor store should be called spirit guides.
95.	Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking outside the box.
96.	If you love dictionaries so much why don't you Merriam
97.	My best friend and I attended culinary school together and then opened our own restaurant. I guess we are taste buds.
98.	Body language is self explanatory!
99.	The people who knew John Venn liked him, hated him, or a little bit of both.
100.	What top does an astronaut wear to the moon? Apollo shirt.
101.	My phone has to wear glasses ever since it lost its contacts.
102.	How do mountains see? They peak.
103.	I live in an airport but when the security guard comes at night Heathrows me out.
104.	Proper punctuation can make the difference between a sentence that's well-written and a sentence that's, well, written.
105.	I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
106.	Whoever had the bright idea to invent the flashlight?
107.	Learning to walk in high heels will keep you on your toes.
108.	Where are average things made? In the satisfactory.
109.	Vampires must use mouthwash because they have bat breath.
110.	I want to open a photo processing store in a developing country.
111.	I ordered that a vault and speakers be delivered at my home yesterday. They arrived safe and sound.
112.	When my ice house falls apart, igloo it back together.
113.	My clock radio goes off with alarming frequency.
114.	So what if I don't know what apocalypse means!? It's not the end of the world!
115.	A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
116.	If you can't choose between an angry psychic and a sad psychic, you'll have to find a happy medium.
117.	Hanging out with skyscraper builders is so boring! It's story after story.
118.	What do you call a dinosaur made of cheese? Gorgonzilla!
119.	A pig pen is filled with pink pigments and oink!
120.	They just found a sword swallower dead. The police suspect it's an inside job.
121.	Garbage collectors are rubbish drivers!
122.	I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.
123.	I'd tell you a chemistry joke, but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
124.	I took a picture of a field of wheat, it was grainy.
125.	Autocorrect makes me say things i didn't nintendo.
126.	My fear of roses is a thorny issue. I'm not sure what it stems from, but it seems likely I'll be stuck with it.
127.	Oops, I jumped into the pool with my watch on. I don't know if it is waterproof or not. I guess only time will tell.
128.	The conversation between the brain surgeon and the anaesthesiologist was mind numbing.
129.	The use of drones to deliver magazines will certainly raise some issues.
130.	How can gravity be so strong if it doesn't even lift?
131.	A locksmith is a key employee.
132.	The tale of the haunted refrigerator was chilling.
133.	If you were a fruit, you'd be a fineapple.
134.	The man's pants zipper broke, but he fixed it on the fly.
135.	Using fish for currency can achieve an economy of scale.
136.	The scientist had trouble reducing the liquid, he just couldn't concentrate.
137.	My wife is feeling better after getting her appendix removed. Unfortunately, she will never be able to reference this chapter of her life.
138.	I don't mind kids playing hopscotch in most places, but my driveway is where I draw the line.
139.	Some aquatic mammals at the zoo escaped. It was otter chaos.
140.	I knew a guy who collected candy canes, they were all in mint condition.
141.	Stairs are useful and all, but elevators are really some next level technology.
142.	Linux is a great OS for self-driving cars because it has amazing driver support.
143.	The deer population is staggering.
144.	There is a special species of bird that is really good at holding stuff together, they are called velcrows.
145.	I would tell you a leech joke, but it would suck anyway.
146.	The invention of the shovel was ground breaking.
147.	Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? He was outstanding in his field.
148.	What do you call a tissue that is sleeping? A napkin.
149.	A funny criminal is a silicon.
150.	The invention of the lock was the key to success.
151.	I used to work as a high school ceramics teacher, but I got too close to the kiln and I was fired.
152.	This year's flu is going viral.
153.	Whoever served up the wine at that banquet did a pour job.
154.	Why don't programmers like nature? It has too many bugs.
155.	How does a train eat? It goes chew chew.
156.	How do you catch a skeleton? With a rib-cage.
157.	There were a bunch of pillows at the store. I took one and my friend took the rest.
158.	After the bank was robbed, the owner bought cows to beef up the security.
159.	I tried talking to my dentist during a cleaning, but my words got flossed in translation.
160.	When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.
161.	A teacher harshly corrected a student on a math problem. I guess he got schooled.
162.	A monster who likes to ring doorbells is a knock less monster.
163.	Walter struggled stopping his car in driving school. You might say he was breaking bad.
164.	What do cupcakes use in the summer time? A sprinkler.
165.	A few boxers were standing in a line. That's the punch line!
166.	My friend quit working at the pin factory. He felt there was no point to the job.
167.	I don't get people who stumble into mirrors. They need to watch themselves.
168.	What do you do to an open wardrobe? You closet.
169.	Weight loss pills stolen this morning - police say suspects are still at large.
170.	Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out.
171.	If the ocean had a personality, it would be salty.
172.	Labyrinths are amazing
173.	Do you know how the sky was created? It was airborne.
174.	I used to work at a hospital, but I got sick of it.
175.	What did the man say when the bridge fell on him? The suspension is killing me.
176.	Using a prism allows me to see the sun in a different light.
177.	How do fish keep up with what's going on? They listen to the current news.
178.	What do dogs do after they finish obedience school? They get their masters.
179.	Why would an hour glass only take half an hour to finish? It was filled with quick sand.
180.	Arranging Goliath's funeral was a giant undertaking.
181.	I read this book about Mount Everest. It was quite the cliff hanger.
182.	He crashed while rowing his boat and suffered a broken scull.
183.	Can a well-rounded individual become flattered?
184.	Installing a new bathroom fan is exhausting.
185.	What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy... and the other... is a little lighter!
186.	Where do baby spoons come from? The spork delivers them.
187.	Old artists never retire they withdraw!
188.	Why do some people hate puns? Because they are laughtose intolerant!
189.	Models of dragons are not to scale.
190.	I just love wind. It blows me away.
191.	Did you know they won't be making yard sticks any longer?
192.	How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.
193.	I have written several papers regarding weather effects. I saved them all in the cloud.
194.	I was really on fire when I got my third degree!
195.	When I promise to come up with a maternity pun, I deliver!
196.	What do you do when balloons are hurt? You helium.
197.	The Three Little Pigs order off the vegan menu, but Mary Had a Little Lamb.
198.	What washes up on very small beaches? Microwaves!
199.	I collect vintage time pieces. When I see one I like at an online auction, I put it on my watch list.
200.	I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.


An effective television advertisement is a commercial success.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides? So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Something about subtraction just doesn't add up.
7 days without a pun makes one weak
Sadly my teacher, who could use two typewriters at one time, got fired for stereotyping.