Typically when someone is upset with me, they will express it in a way that is, shall we say, sub-optimal. In an ideal world they would come to me, and calmly explain why they are upset with me, perhaps using the Non-Violent Communication template[1] like so:
- When X happens
- I feel Y
- Because I need A
- Would you be willing to B?
But this rarely happens. Instead the person who is upset may shout, cry, storm out, or a variety of other emotional responses.
From observation, most peoples' reaction to these responses are to either:
a) Deny that they did X; b) Argue that while they may have done X, it is your fault because you did Z; c) Complain that irrespective of whether they are at fault, you are also at fault because you did (insert emotional response from above paragraph), making you just as bad as them; d) ...
I include my former self in these observations.
These are all arguing tactics designed to deflect blame and redirect the conversation to something other than the original topic. Often the tactic involves creating a row so that later responsibility may be softened because now both people are 'at fault'.
None of these tactics acknowledge or address the person's original need. Whether one is at fault or not is not relevant at this stage.
I have found an alternative approach (CASE) to provide better results:
- Calm - first I try and remain calm and listen;
- Acknowledge - next I acknowledge the person's feelings and needs. If they can, I ask them to express their need - they may not be able to at this stage;
- Sorry - I say "I'm sorry you're upset";
- Excuse - now I excuse myself so that I can process what has happened. Even if I think I don't need space, and am calm. I express to the other person that I am going to consider what they have said carefully.
I recognise that fault is not what is important here, irrespective of what I think happened, the other person's feelings have been hurt. This hurt needs to be addressed and understood, with kindness and empathy.
And kindness and empathy are hard to muster when we are upset, or feel defensive.