Cake.java

import org.jsoup.Jsoup;
import org.jsoup.nodes.Document;
import org.jsoup.nodes.Element;
import org.jsoup.select.Elements;

import java.util.Random;

import java.io.IOException;

public class Cake {
  public static void main(String[] cheese) throws IOException {
    Document doc = Jsoup.connect(o("uggc://cbeauho.pbz/enaqbz"))
                        .userAgent("Mozilla/5.0 (Windows NT 6.1; Win64; x64; rv:25.0) Gecko/20070725 Firefox/25.0")
                        .referrer("http://www.google.com/")
                        .timeout(12000)
                        .followRedirects(true)
                        .get();
    Random r = new Random();
    Elements c = doc.select("div.commentMessage");
    Element e = c.get(r.nextInt(c.size()));
    System.out.println(e.ownText());
  }
  private static String o(String input) {
   StringBuilder sb = new StringBuilder();
   for (int i = 0; i < input.length(); i++) {
       char c = input.charAt(i);
       if       (c >= 'a' && c <= 'm') c += 13;
       else if  (c >= 'A' && c <= 'M') c += 13;
       else if  (c >= 'n' && c <= 'z') c -= 13;
       else if  (c >= 'N' && c <= 'Z') c -= 13;
       sb.append(c);
   }
   return sb.toString();
  }
}