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The wisdom of Devops Borat (RIP, may Taichi Ohno himself carry him into Valhalla!) condensed in fortune cookie format without any @ messages included. Just the goofiest random shit :)
I remember very clear I cry when I finish volume 3 of Knuth.
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I am work on CSS SQL.
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First sign of depression in devops is denial: you start of ignore Nagios alert.
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In devops language is not success unless is another language++.
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In devops you are addict to graph if first thought after orgasm is send duration and intensity to Graphite.
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If you want take server temperature for send to Graphite I recommend rectal method.
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In lean startup if you have uptime of > 75% you are do it wrong, is sign you pay too much of money for devops.
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Many devops not know what threshold of pain they have because they never try pair programming.
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Due of lack of enthusiasm from user Google is launch Dart++ tomorrow.
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Devops trick question of today is fill in blank: Perl 6, Python 3, PHP 6, ___?
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Devops law of Open Source: 10% of project have docs. Of them 10% have good docs. Of them 10% are useful. Of them 10% are used.
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In devops is not uncommon of see death by a thousand pages of Wiki.
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Source of Google is tell me most critical piece of their infrastructure are Python 2.3 and duct tape.
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Is best not of disturb MySQL while is take dump.
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Devops remember first step in launch startup is have perfect elevator bitch for VC!
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If you are think of use Hadoop on Windows it mean you have not master full power of MS Access yet.
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K&R C is Harley Davidson of devops.
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In startup we eat own dog food. Best is Purina.
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Euphemism for junior devops is "Windows power user".
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In startup we follow Yegge advice of have public API for all internal object. Is for user to mashup our application.
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In devops you are right only 25% of time. For rest you prefer of be wrong or clueless?
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I start believe in AI when it can able rack server at 1 in morning.
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You know you have good devops infrastructure if is take outage of 1 data center and 2 EC2 region for shit to get real.
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For job security in devops make of sure you advocate Continuous Delivery and implement by manual procedure of 45 step!
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Fuckings! I tell Siri deploy Hadoop cluster and she order Oracle Big Data Appliance!
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Piwik, Siri, I say Piwik and not Omniture SiteCatalyst!
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I get of it now! My iPhone 4s is come with Siri Enterprise Edition!
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Behind every Big Data problem is Small Data fuckup.
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I write article on "Anatomy of devops cultural interactions". Only 2 words: Big Dicks.
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Devops remember sign up for next semester online class offer by Stanford on "Programming, Motherfucker"!
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Is easy of have Siri do any thing you want: just use sudo.
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Native devops have 23 different word for deployment.
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Before accept full responsible always try of blame RAID controller.
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SSD is new SAN.
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Devops remember stop sometime for count your blessing! Unless you are Windows admin.
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People are ask me: what is devops? Is scripting and shit.
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I not trust any technology if nobody is tweet about it.
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In startup we have janitor wear CTO hat this week. He is order no bug in code for next 6 day.
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Big Data analyst is pole dancer of devops.
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In lean startup we refactor ruthless by put code on autoshuffle.
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In Kazakhstan we say "Give me of liberty or give me of Java"!
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Source of Google is tell me Android Marshmallow is have emotional intelligence of average Google engineer!
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Source of Google is also tell me Android Pumpkin Pie is have enough AI for create Android Rhubarb Crumble!
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Siri is tell me all hipster are douchebag but not all douchebag are hipster.
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New blog post: "Deploy ALL the things" - [1615]http://goo.gl/JhygD
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I am only reach for Perl if I can not able do it with Apache config directive.
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In startup we are use NoSQL and NoTest.
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In devops is important always have beginner mind. Is why we are use homegrown bash script for everything.
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1 TB of Big Data is much more than 1024 GB of small data.
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In junior devops we have 'monkey see, monkey bring down cloud'.
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Devops if you can not able get right woman, try of use better regex!
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Is very easy of get to 80% webscale. Is the next 5 year that is hard.
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Maybe is not work because you are use wrong Unicorn encoding?
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In devops is small difference of bulls eye and bulls shit. Is measured in press releases.
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In devops 'sow wild oats' is when you roll own crypto.
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Give junior devops Perl Camel book and they are never need another language. They are also never learn proper programming.
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If you are not devops you need of choose easy remember password. If you are devops you need of choose easy remember ssh keypair.
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Lisp is first programming language I have learn. Then I discover Visual Basic and never look back.
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Easy thing of Lisp is start with parenthese. Hard thing of Lisp is where of put last parenthese.
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I work on book of 'Not cc all company in email by mistake for dummies'.
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In devops we have 40/30/20/10 Rule. 40% time spend at conference, 30% create todo list, 20% prioritize list, 10% respond to Nagios alert.
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True devops can able teach CS 101 by use simple abacus.
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Manager remember! Tell Windows sysadmin not apply latest patch is same as tell lemming stay away of cliff!
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Top 3 useless thing in devops are Scrum Master certification, security policy document and Python 3.
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In devops threesome is when you are use Perl, Python and Ruby on same project.
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If you are feel good after write script which interact with database, it mean you have less of 5 year experience in devops.
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In startup we are need of fire all unpaid intern. Too much consumption of snack is affect financial.
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Devops Dozen is when you are take 13 day for accomplish thing which can easy able do in 12 hour.
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I never understand expression 'waiting for other shoe to drop' until I roll out application on PaaS.
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In startup we are hire only rockstar, ninja or samurai. Vague familiar with computer is big plus.
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I have witness PostgreSQL hit many of home run. But is just because is MySQL on steroid.
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I want quit Google+ but Siri has just add me to her circle of intelligent robot.
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Goal of devops is do less with more.
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In devops we are always use Chef or Puppet. Is why we are the 1%.
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Practical experience with NoSQL is prompt you to do it or avoid it. No practical experience is prompt you to present of it at conference.
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In devops is not of what you know, is of who is follow you on Twitter.
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Devops in Europe must of be proud of show most expensive haircut ever.
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If you want have your devops get best orgasm make of sure you MapReduce log data then visualize in Graphite.
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New junior devops has doing chaos monkey on 3 Cisco switch in server room today. He is on probation 2 week on Windows Vista.
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I have bad english but maybe native speaker can tell if brogrammer and douchebag is same?
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For Halloween I am dress as LDAP server. I not like talk to anybody.
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Rule of thumb: technology or product name which is start with Open is fail.
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Number one mistake of devops in job interview is speak in JSON.
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In devops is never good time of lose SEO virginity.
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In Kazakhstan we are laugh at short sight of Silicon Valley. We build company for last at least 200 year. Is why we use COBOL on AS/400.
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Devops at Facebook is tell me Google Plus is threaten his job. User abandon G+ for Facebook are almost too much for handle!
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I am very close of release Tcl++.
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Devops remember, Big Data is just Small Data which you let sit for 2 year!
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Is true that everybody in Palo Alto is dress up as VC today?
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Devops remember Y Combinator Halloween party tonight! Theme is "90% of startup are fail but 100% of devops in startup are have no life"!
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True devops never XML, FTP, ORM or RPC.
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I am of happy Halloween is pass. It was hard distinguish costume douchebag from real douchebag.
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I write book 'Kama Sutra for devops'. Is show graphic all possible intercourse of firewall with load balancer.
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For bathroom humor in devops I am recommend read random PHP script.
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Many vendor are offer Hadoop this days. I personal prefer buy from Apache.
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If any of unit test you have is not fit in single tweet, you are do it wrong.
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I am work on dating site for single points of failure.
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Tomorrow we migrate off cloud if weather permit.
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If you have startup name not end in ly you are do it wrong.
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In devops time warp is when full backup is take more of 24 hours.
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Never do today what small shell script can able do tomorrow.
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I can able stand of watch first half only of video 'Two devops and a Cisco PIX'.
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Best program I write in devops career is Perl script which is ask 5 personal question and spit out IT budget for next year.
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"DevOps in the Cloud" is pleonasm.
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Junior devops are in charge of scale up. Senior devops are in charge of scale down.
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If you can not able ship it, next best thing is act as if you have ship it.
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I am close of release pine and elm theme for Gmail.
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Source of Google is tell me they are switch teams around for development of career. Is why Gmail interface is done by Big Table team.
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Infrastructure is only need love from devops. Devops are only need respect from infrastructure.
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Hardest thing in write 'iptables for Dummies' book is call remote hand for reboot machine each of time I run sample script.
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#2 most stress job of devops is Google SRE. #1 is Database Migrator.
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Cloud expert is #1 least stress job of devops. Is only involve tweet.
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I can never able setup site to site VPN unless I am resort to Jedi mindtrick.
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I watch Devops Tales From The Crypt first episode. Is very scary, contain graphic image of debug Apache rewrite rule.
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Juniper is Chaos Monkey for ISP.
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Rackspace are look for guinea pig customer for install private cloud on OpenStack! They not roll out in own cloud yet, is too buggy.
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Sign you are young and still learn in devops is you are not afraid of use -r in rm command.
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You are get shit done? Yes: continue. No: continue of read and reply to tweet.
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In devops third time is usually charm. But first 2 time are epic fail.
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In Scrum is chicken and is pig. In Lean is douche and is bag.
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Is me or is urine smell as bad like Cisco router after night spend at data center?
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Big data analytics is show devops which can not able stand word fuck in presentation are prefer SQL Server.
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In devops you can able be total asshole as long as you are produce beautiful graphs.
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In startup we have 3 position open of devops. Please not bother of apply if you are work for live and not live for work.
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When you are read code you write 6 month ago, is 95% inconceivable.
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With enough eyeball all code is shallow.
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For rank superstar in startup we are use metric: for dev line of code write/hr, for ops line of log inspect/hr, for QA bug find/hr.
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In Lean Startup if you are write more code than janitor you are do it wrong.
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In Lean Startup we are never waste time with documentation. But you are welcome of buy sign copy of our book!
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Is better dev who pretend are ops or ops who pretend are dev? Only way of find out is put all on pager.
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In enterprise you are bitch of hardware vendor. In startup you are bitch of cloud provider API.
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An question: Mark Shuttleworth invent Ubuntu before or after he walk on Moon?
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I can not able present of Big Data in front of audience because I get too much of Big Erection
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When I am depress I start think it can able be worse: some devops are manage Exchange server somewhere.
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Cloud expert try of launch new cloud instance is same as U S and A football announcer try of score touchdown.
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Is possible for devops of walk on hot coal if put mind to it. Is not possible for devops of get app work with SELinux.
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Is all make sense now: source of Canonical is tell me maintainer of AppArmor and designer of Unity are one and same person!
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Karl Marx was much right: Hacker News is opium of devops.
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Friend from Google is tell me they have best food in Googleplex but they not allowed make recipes public.
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Is no such thing as Big Data. Is only data you not sampled sufficient yet so it fit in RAM and it process with SQLite.
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Big advantage of BigQuery after you give all of your data to Google is you are able query it and see ads base on result.
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In startup we have Senior Data Analyst use Hadoop as Viagra so he can able finally fuck with his data.
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Big news! I quit startup! I am tire of do same old shit. I join new startup and am do much new cool shit!
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Is easy get confuse of cloud and Internet. Main difference is Internet never go down.
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Protip for Junior Devops: Ethernet is not same as Internet. Cloud is need both.
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Other main difference of cloud and Internet is half of Internet is have sad face of Wikipedia founder look at you.
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Hipster devops can not able use Hadoop unless is rewrite in Scala.
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You can only able do Agile if you have good Scum Master.
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In startup we are hire devops only if they can able show contribution to 25 project on GitHub and are not possess resume.
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Is better NoSQL than misunderestimated SQL.
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I am never use product with version end in odd number.
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Oh to be of young devops again and to get of excite by boot in single user mode...
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R is bc for hipster.
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Cloud definition: art of fail at scale.
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When benchmark new database technology, make sure not only use own laptop. Be much thorough and also use desktop.
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ETL is other word for when you are use lot of sed and awk in your script.
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Many devops are dick but few are hard.
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We have 3 strike rule for devops: 1 strike we are take away Perl. 2 strike we are take away bash. 3 strike we are give PowerShell.
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In startup we are hire devops only if they can able of solve in interview problem we had for last 3 year.
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Best distributed key/value data store is DNS.
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I am try of teach junior devops how to proper manual testing but they are only go through motions.
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Junior devops are make bad judgment but very fast. Senior devops are make good judgment but too slow.
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Myth of devops #1: plan new feature and release in same month.
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Myth of devops #2: tester catch up with developer in same iteration.
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Myth of devops #3: great success of deploy to production on Friday.
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If you ever express opinion and are not use word 'always' or 'never' you are do it wrong.
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Myth of devops #4: of course we can able scale, we are use cloud!
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Cloud instance is need only for few day but subtle bug in Puppet manifest is live forever.
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You are good devops only if you are spend quantity time with your infrastructure.
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In devops we have Mile High Club of deploy to production from plane.
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In devops ego is direct proportion to number of programming language we know. Salary is inverse proportion.
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I convince famous Kazakhstan film director of buy right to Stevens TCP/IP Illustrated!
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Devops please take moment of consider somewhere somebody is now troubleshoot NIS+ issue on Solaris.
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Is not in production until you are receive critical alert of it.
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You can able tell junior devops by they are finish task 3 to 6 month after deadline. Senior devops are never finish.
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Is good saying 'if you are want thing done, give to person most busy'. Is why in startup we give all new project to janitor.
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Welcome to new public cloud! Come for infinite elastic, stay for data lock in.
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In devops is nothing as risky as a no-brainer.
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I am not use tool which not end in sh, rl, cs or ng.
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In startup for each of bug we have BDFL.
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Is all fun and game until it segfault.
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In devops we not use expression 'shoot yourself in foot'. We use expression 'use NFS in cloud'.
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Number of project you are contribute in GitHub is inverse proportional to number of conference you are attend in year.
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You can able tell expert of software architecture by they are never involve in deploy to production.
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You are true devops if you have wet dream of achieve 100% code coverage.
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If want something done in 10 minute, send to devops email. If want no reply for 10 day, send to sales email.
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10 thing you not know of devops: 1) if we are yell at you is because we are care; 2) we are always count in binary
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Unix devops can able unleash power of bash. Windows devops can only able unleash power of .bat.
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Responsible green devops are always ask of themselves "Is this really good for Internet" before do git push.
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In Kazakhstan we are pepperspray router only if it drop packet.
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In startup we are Thanksgiving for opportunity of learn new skill for use in next startup when first is fail.
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In devops nothing is more pain as when choose between C and A. Is why we pretend P never happen.
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Rule of thumb is less user you have, is faster site with less issue. Aim for 0 user and you are get infinite speed with 0 bug.
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Only thing of compare with write first working Perl script is lose virginity.
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In devops you either are contribute to tool or you are tool.
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In startup we have Siri #1 write code. She is also tell Siri #2 of write automate test. Future is now.
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Lately I suffer of web performance anxiety and kernel panic attack.
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Before start program in Javascript try count to 10. Most time urge is pass.
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I can already able tell 2012 is year of Borland Turbo Cloud.
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Only best manual tester can able watch grass grow.
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In startup we are work on product for Big Metadata.
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In startup for Agile practice we are automate brainstorming with Mechanical Turk.
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In devops if you carry pager every day is Cyber Monday.
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I am almost finish with PhD in timezone math!
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Difference of junior and senior devops is junior devops are imagine they can able master Unicode.
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Single point of failure in private cloud is of usually Unix guy with neckbeard.
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Attention devops: "learn NoSQL" is not same as "learn no SQL"!
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I have never see shit hit fan at data center but I have see shit hit air conditioning unit.
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You can able tell senior devops by they can able shoot themselve in foot in any of programming language.
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Junior devops are always ask me which new technology they need learn. I am always tell them learn of keep disk space available for user.
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If cloud standard committee and security policy have lovechild, it would be name ROT13.
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Study is show private cloud is most of dangerous for data lock-in. After 2 month nobody is remember how get data back.
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I am still have PTSD 20 year after type rm -rf * .o
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I manage of automate everything! Now I am so bored I am volunteer time as desktop support.
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Tell me how many of ls option you are know and I tell you if you are wear sock with sandal.
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Is good of see Yammer team expose truth of Scala is not Turing complete!
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Is matter very little which of JVM language you are use if visitor can only able see on your site "Error when connect to database".
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No, Siri! I say 'we have database is shit' not 'have database shut down'!
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Last night I have nightmare I was BDFL of Apache Flex SDK.
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You can able tell junior devops by they are not protect themselve when they are fuck with database.
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Source of Google is tell me they are donate Google Plus to Apache Foundation.
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Source of Canonical is tell me they project 2012 is year of Ubuntu is become dominant OS on Compaq desktop.
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I run Big Data Analytic on result of Myers-Briggs test for devops. Most common type is Insensitive Jerk.
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Main difference of sysadmin and devops is as sysadmin you are have less chance of get laid.
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I go to devops bar last night and manage of score some tail recursion!
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Devops not forget! Tomorrow you can able read official position of ours startup on Erlang, Haskell, Clojure and Go!
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CouchDB is Ingres of NoSQL.
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If pager is beep at night but nobody is hear, is site still down?
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In startup we are only hire junior devops if they are at least 5 trick pony.
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I start of use ql.io only when is become NoSQL-compliant.
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Devops remember, nobody is say on deathbed they wish they set up more VPN tunnel!
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You are good manager only if you are find Internet Samurai in every of devops you manage.
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If your application is use HTTP and your company is not in cloudscape you need of protest! [1152]http://www.bvp.com/cloud/bvp_cloudscape.html ...
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I get shitface with 2 others devops last night and we manage of establish which is better of Chef and Puppet. Can not able remember.
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For get job in ours startup is not enough sufficient of be rockstar. We are only hire Lady Gaga devops.
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Junior devops can able be passive-aggressive but senior devops are of always aggressive-aggressive.
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Thought leader is same as regular devops but can able talk good BS.
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Source of Microsoft is tell me in next version of Visual Studio you can able press F12 for shut down entire Azure cloud at once.
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Devops if you are feel project is not go anywhere, try of start from scratch but this time with UML.
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Many of devops are now launch cloud instance beyond their means.
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If you are male devops you are of the 99%.
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I read documentation for new REST API and I am confuse. Is only say 'GET SOME'.
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Nobody is of guilty if they are get sick! Is why I am never blame serial startup founder.
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Never believe of devops when they are talk of eternal love. Eternity for devops is 5 year at same company.
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In chinese is crisis=danger+opportunity. In devops crisis=site down+boss is know of it.
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In startup we have infrastructure as code but nobody is able debug it.
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Good sign you are write too much code is you are create new programming language by mistake every day.
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In devops M is for Maven and Masochist.
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You are either have eventual consistency delay today or eventual web site tomorrow.
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In devops we are never do today what we can able blame on cloud issue tomorrow.
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Is call middleware because you can not able make head or tail of it.
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Big Data Analytic is show 90% of startup are fail because they have solution but no problem.
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Financial of company is inverse proportion of number of newsletter it send.
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I have dream last night I manage of disprove CAP theorem. Is involve bash script of 1000 line and lot of duct tape.
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When is come to performance in job, 95% of devops are think they are in 95th percentile.
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Some time is hard of find exact person culprit of bug but is usually member of QA team.
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In startup we are graph so much of shit we can not able tell good shit from bad shit.
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Is no loneliness bigger of talk on IM with guy next of you at work.
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Is time for Douchebag Of Year award for devops but is impossible of choose, too much candidates.
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I hate of burst bubble of Rails programmer and MongoDB devops, but Santa is not exist.
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If you are practice Continuous Deployment but never do Frantic Deployment, you are not experience enough.
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Source of Facebook is tell me they are close of release TurboPHP.
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In startup we are have Small Data but of at least we are have Big Pipe.
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I am prefer honest No from datacenter server than Maybe from cloud VM.
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When junior devops are come to me with problem I am tell them go learn tcpdump and come back in 1 year.
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Is very easy have great success in devops. 1) Get shit done. 2) Make of sure shit work.
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When want get good shit done check of code smell first.
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They are come to me junior devops and they are leave Perl one-liner guru with neckbeard.
%
In startup friday is retro day. Dev are allow compile and link code and QA are do manual testing. Ops can able install Gentoo (VM only).
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Small Data in, Garbage out.
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If you are not remove 2 LOC for every of 1 LOC you are write then you are do it wrong.
%
If all you are have is hammer, everything is look like shell script.
%
You can not able experience true meaning of production bug until you are achieve 100% test coverage.
%
Hell is other people which are need help with Outlook.
%
Source of HP is tell me you are need of install printer driver before you can able use HP Cloud API.
%
Source of Google is tell me most searched phrase is start with 'fucking Google changed my ...'.
%
If you want of do Big Data and you not know good math all you can able achieve is Medium Data.
%
You can able tell senior devops by they are go batshit crazy at least of once per day.
%
Is not about backup, is about restore.
%
In devops if shit is worth of doing, shit is hard.
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You can able tell junior devops by they are excite database is fit in RAM.
%
Source of MySQL is tell me they are rebrand in 2012 as Oracle Me.
%
When recruiter is call I tell follow me on Twitter then DM me. Is never fail.
%
2012 is year of private cloud, Linux desktop and establish which of emacs and vi is better.
%
Guess company which is get buy in 2012 by one of other company in this list: Oracle, eBay, Google, Salesforce.
%
Devops remember if get fortune cookie, add 'in cloud' when read.
%
Dummies are people which are think they are smarter as people which are read 'For Dummies' book.
%
Very disappoint in new generation of devops. 90% of letter to Santa are contain malform XML!
%
5 essential tool you are need in devops: Perl.
%
When have doubt, delegate.
%
When devops are fall in love, they are promise each other C and A with no P.
%
Womans devops: best gift for your man devops is tell him GitHub would not be same without him!
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Mens devops: best gift for your woman devops is tell her you are love her as much as your favorite editor!
%
Hipster devops are never use Python because is lack blocks.
%
Big Data Analytic is show 60% of email is spam and 20% can ignore. Other 20% is Nagios alert.
%
Big Data is in eye of beholder.
%
In devops we are call bash script of more of 50 line of code "slippery slope".
%
I am only visit site which are look good in VT100.
%
If run command over ssh in for loop of 100 machine is wrong, I not want of be right.
%
Next big project I have for year 2012 is rewrite Apache httpd in node.js.
%
80% of issue in devops today is because people have not study Knuth of properly.
%
We have new startup is name Shitly. Mission is we are show you how we are use shit technology so you can able avoid it.
%
I just find out in Chinese calendar is 2012 Year of Troll.
%
Secret of success is hire people which are more smartass than you.
%
Word of encourage to node.js programmer: not pay attention to negative comment! In beginning people were think PHP was shit technology too!
%
Was very busy with Amazon Elastic Rolling Reboot.
%
@jaredfolkins too many of character for type. Try of 'top'.
%
I am almost finish with book 'Making sure server comes up after reboot for Dummies'.
%
Devops prediction for year 2012: Cloud, NoSQL and Big Data are final get press they are deserve.
%
In devops profession you can able be old but still hotshot.
%
99% of problem in devops can able be solve with just of Turbo C.
%
90% of Windows devops are suffer of root envy.
%
All devops are have hidden superpower. Is why I not believe in CAP theorem.
%
I have resolution for 2012 of not learn javascript.
%
I have resolution for 2012 of learn new language every of month for never use in production.
%
Have title of devops is not bring more of money but is help of get laid.
%
I take half bake shell script from yesterday over fully cook README file from last year.
%
Highest quality of software is one which is never ship.
%
In startup we are not hire devops which never lost data by stupid of mistake.
%
In startup we have conclusion of best way for prioritize backlog is Twitter sentiment analysis.
%
Every technology is evolve until is become acronym.
%
In startup we manage of hire node.js ninja. Primary responsibility is follow up on comment on Hacker News.
%
Vera of QA is tell me she start date devops but is not look good long-term because he have git commitment issue.
%
All OS are evolve until they are support dtrace.
%
In startup we are play hard but then we are also play hard.
%
In devops record of wiki still usable is 43 day.
%
2011 Community of Year award is go to CouchDB.
%
Big Data Analytic is show every 36 hour is one technology jump shark.
%
You have devops is suffer of apathy? Get his ass on pager.
%
In startup we are automate everything long ago but nobody is remember why.
%
Cloud is past infancy but most cloud expert are stuck there.
%
All success project have ratio of 4 NO to 1 YES.
%
Be automate and wrong or be manual and right?
%
Sufficient advance devops is indistinguish from lazy fucker.
%
In startup we have rule only do business with vendor which is reply to email in less of 30 minute.
%
In devops you can not able fake it unless you are at CTO or above.
%
If you are not use cloud yet you are miss out on push limit of human stupidity.
%
Personal record is 8 LOC with not syntax error or spell mistake.
%
I full support decision of Jerry Yang for go dark against SOPA!
%
Most devops are not realize but every of 1 hour spend by code is 1 hour less spend on HN.
%
Is not metaprogramming if you are still understand it after 2 week.
%
Is not true agile if is not teach by expensive consultant.
%
If you have impression StopSOPA was of difficulty, try StopTDD!
%
Best analogy I find so far for explain concept of ScrumMaster to new devops is Tooth Fairy.
%
Devops remember cloud is only means to end. End is cloud vendor get rich.
%
Not 2 devops are alike. Is why each is reinvent wheel.
%
Source of Amazon is tell me they soon have next big announce of Elastic Kanban.
%
First step of deal with database issue is apply KISSD principle.
%
Nothing is give false sense of security like great success of load test in stage.
%
Is not in production until is fail hard in 2 different way.
%
Law of Devops #1: if is too easy now, is always come back bite you later.
%
Law of Devops #2: in 90% of case, scalability is not mean what you are think is mean.
%
Law of Devops #3: success is 80% perception, 15% luck and 5% transpiration.
%
Node summit participant please considering attend event next week DoucheCamp in Almaty Kazakhstan!
%
Reason few devops are progress to CTO is they are too of technical for own good.
%
Decent devops are borrow code. Good devops are steal code. Best devops are never use own code.
%
If you are ever need of ask for permission you are not true devops.
%
In devops we are spend 1 hour on Twitter for each of 1 sec of make test suite faster.
%
Agile devops can not able afford have bug in code. Is why we test own code and not need QA.
%
Walk before run. C before C++ before Java before Scala.
%
Is seem easy but we are know devops life is NP-Hard.
%
In lean startup is CEO need of be specialist in Photoshop and Cloud.
%
If RabbitMQ is answer, you are ask wrong question.
%
Optimist is devops who is ignore first 2 Nagios alert.
%
Infinite scalability is always give you 50% less than what you are expect.
%
You not really know what data lockin is until you are hire professional Oracle DBA.
%
On top 10 list of way for startup to fail is technology choice #11.
%
Cloud expert are only 1% of devops ! Rest of 99% are actual know how use rsync.
%
In startup we have NoOps. All sysadmin request are go direct to CEO.
%
Friend hipster is tell me Java is new Scala.
%
Single Sign-On is always come in three.
%
JavaScript is only interest me because is about Java and scripting.
%
If you are expert of BASIC or Clojure is make little of difference to hot womans.
%
Before every of bug is always shrug.
%
I never meet developer which not write bug-free code.
%
Cloud is when virtual machine is operate on virtual data.
%
I not find problem yet which can not able be solve by press release.
%
You are not true Agile if you know what you are talk about more of 55% of time.
%
Devops make of sure you not call TDD practitioner "coder'! Proper term is "failing test fixer".
%
I am only lose hope when developer is tell me "I get it done soon".
%
Thin line between annoy and despair is between 2 and 5 nagios alert of night.
%
I am only mark email important if I receive same of message 6 time in 2 week from 3 different person.
%
I am ready for startup, I look for minimal viable cofounder.
%
Clojure is useful for programmer who are come to Java from Java.
%
Devops for Valentine Day forget of chocolate kiss and give each of other gift of unit test!
%
In devops we are follow 80/20 rule: we are automate 80% and we are leave hard 20% manual for job security.
%
In startup we are measure many thing but only one is matter: tweet/hour.
%
In startup we have first fireable offense is dependency injection.
%
You are not true Microsoft shop if you are not practice Powerpoint Driven Development.
%
VC are demand increase income for startup so we are build paywall between dev and ops.
%
I am only accept job offer from startup which is in business for 8 year.
%
Is great job security for sysadmin. Server is not go configure itself!
%
Big Data Analytic is show best ingredient for success of pair programming is Chanel No. 5.
%
In startup we are spend 10 hour of every single day on automate everything.
%
Very excite of work at startup with big idea for monetize HTTP.
%
In startup after too much Nagios critical alert we are always perform 5 Why. Each of time we are find interesting way of destroy pager!
%
Rule of thumb in devops is if task is not get done in 3 month then is never get done.
%
In devops we are never panic as much as when we are push out of quadrant 3 [814]http://c2.com/cgi/wiki?FourQuadrants ...
%
For understand recursion, answer "Who is monitor your monitor server?"
%
Is turn out 99% of dev are NoOps and are not even know it!
%
In startup we are fire QA if they are ever find more of 3 critical bug per release.
%
In startup we are look for CEO which not succeed but fail exact 2 other startup. Third time is charm.
%
I am tune out at word 'vendor'.
%
Every piece of software is not finish evolve until is become dinosaur.
%
Best bug report are passive-aggressive.
%
Many devops are seduce and abandon by cloud but nobody is regret it.
%
I am never feed server again once I deploy.
%
If you have Big Data process is involve grep, you are do it wrong.
%
In devops we are communicate with coworker only by JIRA ticket.
%
In cloud you need of launch 100 instance/day and terminate 99 instance/day just for stay in game.
%
In devops many time we not see tree for root.
%
For avoid Azure cloud outage scenario in startup we are only hire devops born on 29 of february [782]http://blogs.msdn.com/b/windowsazure/archive/2012/03/01/windows-azure-service-disruption-update.aspx ...
%
In devops we are always get shit done. Only problem is most of it is shit.
%
For junior devops I recommend of start with Low Availability first.
%
In devops equivalent of wet dream is run benchmark of web server with not network traffic on localhost.
%
Is ridicule when company have wall between dev and ops. In startup we are use NDA instead.
%
I have good gene. Father was ALGOL hipster in 1958.
%
Once you are try Big Data you can not able go back.
%
Internet would be safer place if brogrammer use strncpy.
%
I write all infrastrucure diagram on paper because everything is look good on paper.
%
In security startup we are heavy use of RoR as honeypot.
%
Is time for abandon startup when CEO is start of learn Clojure.
%
If is take you less of 10 year to master something you are do it wrong.
%
If you are still fascinate by NoSQL in 2012 you must of be brogrammer.
%
In devops is always get worse before is get worse.
%
In devops 1% know they are know, 9% know they are not know, 20% not know they are know and 70% not know they are not know.
%
If you not direct all user from regular site to mobile site you are do it wrong.
%
80% of devops need of exercise more, are out of breath after one deploy.
%
In startup we are only hire devops which have never hear of Twitter and irc.
%
Devops remember nobody got fire for buy Open Source software.
%
In startup we are only hire Windows devops if they prove they can able format C drive under 50 second.
%
Behind every of great devops is great 100 line bash script.
%
In devops you can able choose of have sinking feeling in stomach before, during or after deploy to production.
%
Life of devops in 6 word: "I thought it was staging database"
%
Slashdot is Reddit for hipster.
%
In devops we can not able read any documentation longer of 140 characters.
%
In startup we have manager always start day by praise 4 devops and criticize 1 devops of random.
%
In devops any of fool can able come up with funny absurd thing. Is take senior devops for actual deploy it.
%
In devops we are have few of aha moment but lot of WTF moment.
%
Sign economy is bad is when devops are start of advertise they are document code for food.
%
If you not have disaster recovery strategy for your disaster recovery procedure you are do it wrong.
%
In startup we are try of hire devops with no idea but is very hard, they all are apply to Y Combinator!
%
Is all fun and game until you can not able ping it.
%
In startup we have NoOps and NoIdea.
%
Source of Amazon is tell me best monitoring strategy is watch Netflix. If is up, they can able blame customer. If is down, they are fuck.
%
Almost finish new command line utility 'gtfo' for roll out cloud instance quick.
%
In devops we are always give 100%. Most common way is of bring 5 task to 20% each.
%
If you hear devops is mutter "Shit got real" is probably Unicode error.
%
You are not true devops unless you are practice 'cron and forget'.
%
I like NoOps very much. Is not possible of assign blame when server is go down!
%
In startup we have all new devops deploy in Visio on day one!
%
Big Data Analytic is show 95% of devops are engineer and 65% have college degree!
%
Law of entropy for documentation: after 60 day, each piece of documentation is either invalid or can not able be found.
%
If you are not wake up of Nagios minimum 2 time per week, your technology is not sufficient cutting-edge.
%
In devops we are always have quiet celebration when server is come back up after reboot.
%
Almost finish with book "'Why you need of port shell script more of 100 line to Perl right now! for Dummies".
%
Big Data is hard because you are never sure which Hadoop you are need of use.
%
Dirty secret of NoOps is they are keep 3 fuckin sysadmin on call at all time!
%
Top 5 quality of devops: 1) vast 2) experience 3) with 4) all 5) nighter
%
Is very easy for devops for be most popular in company. Always say 'let me drop of everything I do and help you!'.
%
Number of cloud instance launch by ops team is direct proportional with LOC write by dev team.
%
Each of meeting of 15 minute is push delivery date by 15 day.
%
In agile startup we are current experiment with one night standup.
%
In devops we have success is 10% inspiration and 90% Not Invented Here.
%
In startup we are allow all employee for use 20% time on personal project but only in weekend.
%
Goal of sysadmin is replace itself with small shell script. Goal of devops is replace itself with small REST API.
%
In devops we are celebrate April Fool Day today is also know as Windows Sysadmin Day.
%
In NoOps team in startup we are hire NoOp engineer! Computer science study is minus.
%
Please of only apply for NoOps position in startup if you have in-deep skill of NoHardware and NoOS.
%
In devops we are never assign blame, we are just try of find out how the fuck it happen.
%
Quality is enemy of better quality. Is why we are never get shit done.
%
After 3 beer I can able use any of cloud API.
%
Definition of 'ignore': message of critical notification which is skip inbox and go direct to gmail filter.
%
Honeymoon with any of new technology is 1 week. After 7 month is itch.
%
Is all fun and game until you are need of put it in production.
%
You can only able call yourself senior programmer if you are spend more minute in meeting as in write code.
%
Survey is show junior devops are still believe in Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus and documentation.
%
In devops we are all fan which is wait for shit to hit.
%
5% of devops are have infrastructure as code. Rest of 95% are have infrastructure as PowerPoint.
%
Survey is show 90% of devops are spend first year of all new job by rewrite 90% of code of predecessor.
%
In devops intuition is very small voice in head which is say not of run rm -rf /
%
If you can not able express it in 20 line of code, is better of not express it.
%
In startup we are practice threesome programming.
%
In devops is intensity of opinion at technology as inverse proportion with experience at same technology.
%
I am almost finish with book "Rewrite from scratch instead of refactor for Dummies".
%
Source of Google is tell me they are soon launch new API is return 10 strongest password store on Google Drive.
%
In startup we are practice Continuous Delivery follow immediate by Continuous Revert To Old Code.
%
In startup we are only check in line of code that is get at least 10 RT.
%
In startup we are have strict policy of 3 thousand fail unit test and you are out.
%
In startup is make or break time when CEO is want of install Big Data on laptop.
%
I never see Big Data solution which is not involve sed.
%
In startup we are not allow dev team for talk to ops team except by API.
%
Good thing is on Internet nobody know you are devops ninja.
%
In devops is 9 of 10 problem relate to storage.
%
90% of Big Data of any engineer is in actual small.
%
In startup we have good velocity base on 2 week Waterfall sprint.
%
In startup we are very busy of explain why we are need Hadoop so we not have time for use Hadoop.
%
In startup we have tenure for all devops is exact 1 year. They have choice of automate themself out of job or get fire.
%
You know open source product is impossible of use when creator is start consultancy around it.
%
In devops we can only able get shit done if we are move 95% of task to NOTTODO list.
%
If boss is understand task you are working on, you are do DevOps wrong.
%
DevOps remember! For pickup hot date at bar is sufficient of speak JSON.
%
In startup we are only accept git push request.
%
Famous last word in devops: RTFM.
%
Main difference of dev and ops is ops are debug exclusive by use print to stdout.
%
Big Data Analytic is show 80% of devops are on probation for technical debt.
%
48% of devops are automate their test. 12% are test their automation. 3% are do both.
%
First step for avoid DoS attack is block 127.0.0.1.
%
You can able tell junior devops by they are still not learn of manual change on server is overwrite in next 15 minute by Puppet.
%
We have lawsuit of 2 big ISP in Kazakhstan and judge is learn how easy is of deploy private cloud on laptop with Vagrant!
%
Every thing is 10x in cloud. Especially I/O latency.
%
80% of initiative which are include 1 step forward are also include 2 step back.
%
30% of every thing in devops is fucking lie.
%
In devops are 80% talk the talk, 15% talk the walk and 5% walk the walk.
%
If use Linux VM in Microsoft Azure cloud please of read small print first! You are oblige of patch and reboot every of Tuesday!
%
Any sufficient large quantity of data is indistinguish from Big Data.
%
80% of devops are blow own horn. Only 10% of they are also monitor it.
%
Junior devops is when you are not yet know of all road is lead to Nagios.
%
Fundamental law of devops: after enough of time all storage system is become too small or too slow.
%
In devops you are either with us or you are use Windows.
%
Is shock when you are discover most of senior devops are bots.
%
Pure luck is play 40% role in any of continuous delivery process.
%
If you are devops struggle with Chef is help of think it as Puppet++.
%
1 million monkey hit random key for 1 million year can able generate Hamlet but not internal Wiki documentation.
%
June is Month of Awareness for Backup. For celebrate I am recommend restore.
%
In devops are 10% get shit done. Rest are get bullshit done.
%
Main difference of junior and senior devops is 4 programming language.
%
For every minute you are spend install package from source your life is get short by 2 minute.
%
Big Data Analytic is show most request feature in cloud is Ctrl-Z.
%
Big Data Analytic is show 90% of devops which are use word 'benchmark' in sentence are also use word 'laptop' in same sentence.
%
In cloud nothing is real.
%
Oracle Cloud is combine best of both world: cheap of Oracle Enterprise DB and simple of J2EE.
%
In next of 2 year most common cloud rollout strategy is 'PaaS and Pray'.
%
In startup we are use new technique call 5 Why Not Me for show how nobody is of blame for outage.
%
Big Data Analytic is show devops are spend 12.5% of life in type 'ls- la'.
%
In devops word for crap is 'alpha'.
%
You are not senior devops if you have never write direct to socket in your life.
%
You can not able be PaaS expert if you ever run ./configure; make; make install.
%
If you can not able do it from command line, is not worth do it.
%
If is worth make infrastructure scalable, is worth make it infinite scalable.
%
Road to devops hell is pave with good intention of vendor.
%
For devops TODO list I recommend use hash table.
%
In startup we are apply Etsy model of new hire engineer is allow of bring site down on first day.
%
You can able tell junior devops by they have never type telnet:// in browser for access of remote host.
%
Are 3 thing impossible in devops 1) Not Nagios alert for 1 day 2) Easy fast autoscale database 3) Develop all feature request by product
%
In startup we are practice NoOps, NoSQL and NoScrum.
%
In startup we are only hire devops with Alma Mater of Udacity or Coursera.
%
Main advantage of Google Compute Engine over EC2 is instance can able fail twice as fast.
%
Every of devops team is have at least 3 shell script which is critical and is not in source control or backup.
%
Almost finish article for GigaOM on 'Analyze yours Big Data with Hadoop in 760 easy step'.
%
Beautiful code is never work in production.
%
If is too good for be true is mean is only ever deploy in staging not production.
%
In startup we are only hire cofounder and above.
%
Source of GitHub is tell me they have next step of acquire Facebook.
%
For understand devops terminology you need of replace 'continuous' with 'half ass automated'.
%
Hello World in cloud is involve 1 load balancer, 3 web server and 2 database server.
%
In startup we are always maintain N+1 redundancy for shell scripts.
%
In startup we are only use cloud which is hybrid, agile and open.
%
In devops 80% of battle is know which is cause and which is effect.
%
If programmer is tell you task is next on todo list, is mean next year.
%
Source of Google is tell me next version of Android is optimize for Hadoop.
%
Cloud virgin is when you are think NFS in cloud is next best of thing after EBS.
%
In startup we are only use technology which is have For Dummies book.
%
In startup most of time spend by devops team is teach team of Data Scientist use find and grep.
%
Source of CERN is tell me next monumental task for them is find trace of Linux on desktop.
%
Bad code is become liability after 6 month. Good code after 36 month.
%
If you are think Perl is impossible for answer, you are ask wrong question.
%
In startup we are only hire entrepreneur type which mean everything is rewrite from scratch every 2 year.
%
In devops term for 'something we are not understand' is 'machinery'.
%
At conference you can able tell cloud devops by they are always leave dinner for respond to pager.
%
Source of Yahoo is tell me first product launch of Marissa Mayer is Yahoo Plus.
%
Devops STD is get by call wrong API.
%
Senior devops are have own Wikipedia page. Junior devops are have own Wiki page.
%
Difference of dev and ops in 2012 is web site can able write itself but can not able scale itself.
%
OpenStack is Esperanto of cloud. Same adoption.
%
When devops are say 'hybrid cloud' is mean 50% automate public cloud and 50% manual data center rack.
%
Devops are sysadmin but with not knowledge of layer 3 and below.
%
I have almost finish manage IT for Olympic 2012. Two thing of remember: 1) 100% uptime. 2) 0% Cloud.
%
In devops are simple substitution for make meaning more clear. Example s/cluster/clusterfuck/. Example s/80% done/will never be finish/.
%
When programmer are talk of safe sex they are actual think of code with unit test. And other way around.
%
In 75% of case if you are clean Big Data you are get Small Data.
%
Explanation for junior devops: code is hot air balloon and unit test is ballast. Is fun of throw away all ballast!
%
Big Data Analytic is show 80% of code on GitHub is crap and other 20% is not compile.
%
Big devops mistake #1: boast of use Cloud and Big Data. Big devops mistake #2: not use Cloud and Big Data.
%
In devops is not correct 'shit hit fan' but 'shit hit load balancer'.
%
Good way of ensure worst bug is escape in production is have 100% test coverage.
%
You can able tell junior devops by they are believe thing are exist which are both important and not in backup.
%
Law of social media: API is free only if people are click on ads on home page of API creator.
%
All language are evolve until they are become 4GL.
%
If 5 Why technique is not always point to computer fault you are do it wrong.
%
All devops are evolve until they are become tool.
%
Nagios alert or is never happen.
%
Is not of Big Data you are ingest, is of Analytic you are excrete.
%
80% of self profess devops are sysadmin which have wet dream they are developer.
%
Source of Oracle is tell me they are buy Mark Shuttleworth next.
%
In startup we are only deploy dashboard if is know to produce orgasm for Tufte.
%
Data Analytic is base on 20% fact and 80% IMHO.
%
In devops we are have 28 different word for 'blame'.
%
Lean Analytic is when you are exclusive use of find, grep and wc.
%
What is happen in cloud is stay in cloud because nobody can able reproduce outside of cloud.
%
Is so easy of get start with devops! First step is tail -f /var/log/messages.
%
In devops is turtle all way down but at bottom is perl script.
%
You can not able full understand DNS unless you are name Paul Mockapetris, Paul Vixie or Cricket Liu.
%
I final have ebook out "System Engineering for Dummy"! Is 231 page on dd command.
%
In startup we are apply strategy of one size fail all.
%
In devops nobody is get fire for buy open source.
%
Worst mistake is always happen in batch.
%
In startup we are practice Pager Driven Operations.
%
I can able watch preview of talking on "How we use technology internally at Google". Is 354 blank slide.
%
In devops we are ignore any of email which is not come from Nagios.
%
Source of Google is tell me for employee is Google+ or Xoogler.
%
Non devops are need of learn email is not best way of contact devops. Best way is not contact.
%
When you are run DROP DATABASE you are have of many problem but Big Data is not of one of them.
%
Is not over until core router is say is over.
%
In startup we are do load test by choose vendor with best of publish performance number.
%
Devops is good news! You are not need unit test if you are do continuous deployment to cloud!
%
In startup we have immediate open for 2 devops which are need for port Perl codebase to Akka!
%
Behind every of successfully devops is Perl skeleton in closet.
%
Enterprise Big Data is start with Hadoop over iSCSI and is end with broke dream.
%
Hater is go for hate, but Yahoo Mail is still #1 in Czechoslovakia.
%
I am almost finish with article for IT World has interview with all 7 customer of Azure cloud.
%
Is not site outage if nobody is tweet of it.
%
Is always disk space issue unless you are follow best practice of have database in RAM.
%
Regret in devops is when you are monitor cloud instance which was terminate of last week.
%
Rule #1 of agile startup is never of use QA team when you can able pay customer for find worst bug.
%
In devops only certification is when you have work 48 hour with not sleep.
%
In devops is no try, is only catch or not catch of exception.
%
Worst of day in devops is when Cyber Monday is fall on Friday.
%
For name scheme of server I am recommend snowflake follow by number.
%
You can only able have 2 of 3: enterprise, cloud, strategy.
%
In startup we are pass stage of infrastructure as code and we are now work on infrastructure as bug.
%
I am almost finish with "Knuth Vol. 3 Sorting and Searching for Dummies".
%
Little know fact is 90% of Big Data is result in No Data.
%
Main difference of data center and cloud: in data center you are need 2 of everything, in cloud you are need 20 of everything.
%
Main difference is continuous deployment is break web site 40% of time and continuous delivery is break web site 80% of time.
%
In startup we are have Minesweeper contest while we are wait for vary ruby gem for install.
%
Only consolation for devops who are need of manual shard of database is they are in 1%.
%
Choose name of server is all fun and game until you are terminate wrong instance of MySQL master server.
%
In devops nostalgia is when you are label SSD with letter A:
%
You are not true Java programmer if you are not write enterprise software for personal project.
%
Source of HP is tell me they are abandon hardware business and focus on cloud because is not need of hardware if you are use cloud.
%
In devops is success 5% inspiration, 15% git clone, 25% copy and paste and 55% bulls shit.
%
Is nothing better as toy example not connect to real world for get talk accept at conference.
%
Childrens of J2EE devops are have unfair advantage for assemble Lego because they can able use Spring Integration.
%
Show me result you are want and I am tailor benchmark which is show your result.
%
Paradox of cloud: more reliable is site seem to user, less sleep is get for devops in charge of site.
%
In devops we are happy even if is shit bad because we are know how much of worse is can able be.
%
All work and no play is make Jack CCNA.
%
90% of problem in devops can able solve with one of 3 thing: 1) SSD 2) CDN 3) AWS
%
Only 10% in devops are know how of work with Big Data. Only 1% are realize they are need 2 Big Data for fault tolerance.
%
In devops method of 5 Why is simple. You are start with problem and work in backwards until you are find root cause of router is down.
%
If you can not able use Perl for answer, you are ask wrong question.
%
Law of Murphy for devops: if thing can able go wrong, is mean is already wrong but you not have Nagios alert of it yet.
%
Is not devops if dev is not on pager.
%
Advantage of Agile is can able of allow you get nowhere much faster.
%
In startup we are allow all developer use 20% of time for write code with not TDD so they can able of actual get shit done.
%
I am big believe in Continuous Deployment as long as is not touch production.
%
Troubleshoot of VPN tunnel is colonoscopy of devops.
%
In devops is end of world only when EC2 is run out of capacity.
%
90% of insight in Big Data is base on Small Data.
%
First stumbling block in career of new programmer is compose of commit message.
%
When you are deploy new infrastructure first ICMP reply is hardest.
%
Every advance civilization is progress until is run out of IPv4 address.
%
5 Hot of Technology for Internet in 2013: BGP, DNS, SMTP, SNMP, HTTP.
%
For start of new year I am recommend you discard all advice and opinion of cloud expert from last 3 year.
%
Effect of observer in devops: once you are optimize metric, is lose relevance as metric.
%
In agile startup we have policy of "is not bug, is feature" unless bug is open by CEO.
%
Junior devops are soon learn lesson of they own their reliability. Senior devops are soon learn lesson of they own their nonreliability.
%
Is take most senior devops for introduce most spectacular bug.
%
In devops we are only as good as last success reboot of Cisco core switch.
%
#1 most use Unix command is "ls-l a".
%
Worst failure in devops are happen in high availability architectures (also know as Paradox of RAID Controller Failure).
%
In 2013 will be configuration management tool of choice as of usual ssh command wrap in for loop in bash script.
%
Mining of Big Data is problem solve in 2013 with zgrep.
%
Resolution for year 2013 is cut money pay for cloud in half by run A with no H.
%
Resolution #2 for year 2013 is put back Java in Javascript.
%
In 2013 is too many cloud, too little time.
%
In devops we are face fiscal cliff every year when Oracle license is up for renew.
%
1+1=2 only in legacy system. In modern distributed database with eventual consistent is 1+1=1.
%
In devops we are sometimes drop one 9 out of five 9s because we are get too bored.
%
For devops manager: if task is take 15 min, then first break into two 30 minute tasks then delegate.
%
If at first you are not succeed, is time for abandon node.js.
%
Difference of senior programmer and junior programmer is one thousand segfault.
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If unit test are pass 100% of time you are do it wrong.
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Distributed database is only as good as network engineer which is in charge of push cable all way in switch port.
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Big Data is any thing which is crash Excel.
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Best Big Data analytic is base on guesstimate.
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If you are want of do real work you can not able use cloud because nothing is real in cloud.
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Yesterday I have bird and bee discussion with junior devops for make realize cloud instance is born of real hardware.
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Software project 1) On time 2) On budget 3) With quality. You can not able pick any.
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First requisite of get shit done is be able for deal with lot of shit.
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Hard part in devops is make money from wheel after you are reinvent it.
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Devops remember is never cause for panic unless thing is work perfect from start!
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If is ain't distributed, not fix it.
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In lean startup we are only use 3rd party software which is enterprise-ready.
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90% of 5 Why exercise is result in open can of worm.
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90% of devops are fail simple interview question of what is most critical piece of infrastructure. Is outgoing mail on Nagios server!
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In devops we are put fail in failover.
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If you are senior devops, best gift you can able give junior devops is teach how fail fast.
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Best way for explain concept of DevOps to CIO: is like TaskRabbit, but power by The Avengers.
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Every web site is evolve until is fail in monetize social graph of its user.
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Fact: 'shit is happen'. Opinion: 'We are offer SLA of five 9 uptime'.
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Senior devops is walk into bar. Junior devops is walk into server room of bar.
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Best decision we ever make in startup was outsource all site outage to Cloud provider.
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In startup we are pull plug on site periodic so user not get too pamper.
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In startup we are always start with plan C.
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In startup we are have new problem of deal with Big Metadata.
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Devops good news! Devops is 100% peoples and culture so you not have of understand functional programming!
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Is always 2 problem in devops because they are out of sync.
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Graphite graph and Nagios check or has never happen.
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Every 2 day outage is start with wide eye dream of change world.
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Law of sales call: every of vendor is in top 1% of all vendor.
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If shit is never hit fan you are not get enough shit done.
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Every of MVC web application can able be reduce to 150 line Perl script.
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Two wrong are not make one right except in distributed database.
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Big advantage of run own private cloud is when is go down is only take your site down.
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Good thing of public cloud is you can able return it in 30 day.
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Is always user error. Especial in case of user which is operate core router.
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In devops is only necessary for remember two thing: 1) nothing is succeed like failure; 2) nothing is fail like success.
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In startup we are leave critical bug in each of release so we can able fix in next release.
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Small Data is when is fit in RAM. Big Data is when is crash because is not fit in RAM.
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Junior programmer is everybody can able understand your code is wrong. Senior programmer is nobody can able understand your code is wrong.
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Rockstar programmer are just as you and me but they can also able write insecure Ruby code.
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Source of Facebook is tell me only way of get rid of irritate error page is reboot internet.
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If is easy of use, then is hard of debug.
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In startup we are celebrate teamwork by create many team of one.
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I manage of delegate 90% of time. 80% of delegate is to my self.
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Pair programming is good concept but is involve too many programmer.
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Conflict resolution is most important skill of manager. In startup we are force all manager for use git.
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I have often see grow devops cry because of spanning tree loop.
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In devops optimist is person which is see glass as 99.999% full.
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In startup we are work hard but then we are work harder.
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Devops is intersection of lover of cloud and hater of wake up at 3 in morning.
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In startup we are final master art of agile waterfall.
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If you are windows devops I can able endorse you on LinkedIn immediate on reboot 50 web server every of hour!
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Devops is mean never have for say sorry when you are use XML.
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In startup if you are call us you are speak with 3 human before robot is solve your problem.
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Is no I in backup.
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In startup developer can able commit line of code only if other developer is remove line of code.
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In startup we are have immediate open for frontend Erlang engineer.
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Want of become enemy of ops? Install developer friendly product.
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Every of social feature you are add to application is require double of number of database server.
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In startup we can only able use maven if autocorrect is enable.
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For every of stakeholder involve in your project is completion of project delay by 6 month.
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Source of Mozilla is tell me Firefox OS is write in HTML5 one-liner.
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Source of Microsoft and Hortonworks are tell me Hadoop for Windows is release as Excel plugin.
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In devops we have best minds of generation are deal with flaky VPN client.
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Correct ratio is 1 devops for 100 server because is not possible of ssh and give personalize attention on more server in 1 day.
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So many of enterprise Hadoop vendor, so little of time.
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50% of devops are confuse causation with correlation. Other 50% are just take wild ass guess.
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For increase revenue we are introduce paywall between dev team and ops team.
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Word "impossible" is not exist in devops vocabulary. Instead we are use "done by Q4".
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You can not able have unlimit scalability without unlimit outage.
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Dirty secret of Big Data is you can not able deploy if you not have SQL expert on staff.
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In startup we are practice Outage Driven Infrastructure.
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Every PaaS can able be reduce to 120 Perl script.
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Fact of useless: 90% of data is not exist 2 year ago. Fact of use: 90% of data is useless.
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Cloud is not ready for enterprise if is not integrate with single server running Active Directory.
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In startup we are only use technology if is cover in blog of expert devops on benchmark is run on own laptop.
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You can not able spell business without BS.
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In startup we have great of capability for churn out solution. Please send problem, we are pay good money.
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Attention devops! Make of sure you have strong plan C. Plan A and B are never work.
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In startup we are gamify site outage. Three outage and ops team is out.
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