@deadlydizzle's Vice Magazine Headline Generator script

vice-mag-headline-generator.js

/* Vice Magazine Headline Generator script

 Author: David Alexander (ddly.co / @deadlydizzle)
 Version: 1.0 September 1, 2014
 License: GNU General Public License, version 3.0 (GPLv3)

 */

// Tell JSLint's 'defined but never used' error to take a hike
/* exported setHeadline */

// One big function that eventually returns a random headline as a string, probably really inefficiently
function randomHeadline() {

  // add the word types to individual arrays
  // pick a random word from each array
  var age = [
  "Young",
  "Teenage",
  "Old",
  "Over the Hill"
  ];
  var randomAge = age[Math.round(Math.random() * (age.length - 1))];

  var amount = [
  "3",
  "4",
  "5",
  "6",
  "7",
  "8",
  "9",
  "10",
  "11",
  "12",
  "13",
  "14",
  "15",
  "16",
  "17",
  "18",
  "19",
  "20",
  "21",
  "22",
  "23",
  "99"
  ];
  var randomAmount = amount[Math.round(Math.random() * (amount.length - 1))];

  var answer = [
  "Decides",
  "Doesn\'t Have a Clue",
  "Finds Out",
  "Goes Undercover",
  "Is Undecided",
  "Knows the Answer",
  "Sleeps His Way to the Answer",
  "Uncovers the Truth"
  ];
  var randomAnswer = answer[Math.round(Math.random() * (answer.length - 1))];

  var boughtSold = [
  "Bought",
  "Gave Away",
  "Sold",
  "Flogged",
  "Shifted",
  "Purchased"
  ];
  var randomBoughtSold = boughtSold[Math.round(Math.random() * (boughtSold.length - 1))];

  var changing = [
  "Building",
  "Dead",
  "Defunct",
  "Developing",
  "Done For",
  "Dying",
  "Enduring",
  "Flourishing",
  "Gaining Credibility",
  "Gathering Momentum",
  "Growing",
  "Lacking Credibility",
  "Mushrooming",
  "No More",
  "Surviving"
  ];
  var randomChanging = changing[Math.round(Math.random() * (changing.length - 1))];

  // var cool = [
  //     "Cool",
  //     "Contemporary",
  //     "Edgy",
  //     "Hip"
  // ];
  // var randomCool = cool[Math.round(Math.random() * (cool.length - 1))];

  var coolest = [
  "Coolest",
  "Most Contemporary",
  "Edgiest",
  "Hippest"
  ];
  var randomCoolest = coolest[Math.round(Math.random() * (coolest.length - 1))];

  // split these so the same one isn't chosen twice in one sentence
  var drugTaking1 = [
  "Anal Funnelling",
  "Bombing",
  "Dabbing",
  "Gumming",
  "Hoofing",
  "Ingesting",
  "Injecting",
  "Mainlining"
  ];
  var randomDrugTaking1 = drugTaking1[Math.round(Math.random() * (drugTaking1.length - 1))];

  var drugTaking2 = [
  "Racking up",
  "Shelving",
  "Smoking",
  "Sniffing",
  "Snorting",
  "Space Blasting",
  "Speedballing",
  "Swallowing",
  "Taking"
  ];
  var randomDrugTaking2 = drugTaking2[Math.round(Math.random() * (drugTaking2.length - 1))];

  // combine to give max choice in headlines with only on of these
  var drugTaking = drugTaking1.concat(drugTaking2);
  var randomDrugTaking = drugTaking[Math.round(Math.random() * (drugTaking.length - 1))];

  var drug1 = [
  "2C-B",
  "Acid",
  "Amphetamines",
  "Angel Dust",
  "Base",
  "Basuco",
  "Birdie Powder",
  "Blowcaine",
  "Butane",
  "Crack Cocaine",
  "Crystal Meth",
  "Ecstasy",
  "Freebase",
  "GHB"
  ];
  var randomDrug1 = drug1[Math.round(Math.random() * (drug1.length - 1))];

  var drug2 = [
  "Glue",
  "Gutter Glitter",
  "Heroin",
  "Ketamin",
  "Krokodil",
  "LSD",
  "Magic Mushrooms",
  "Mescalin",
  "Mephedrone",
  "MCAT",
  "Narcotics",
  "Nose Candy",
  "PCP",
  "Rohypnol",
  "Shrooms",
  "Weasel Dust",
  "Weed"
  ];
  var randomDrug2 = drug2[Math.round(Math.random() * (drug2.length - 1))];

  var drug = drug1.concat(drug2);
  var randomDrug = drug[Math.round(Math.random() * (drug.length - 1))];

  var fake = [
  "Bogus",
  "Fake",
  "Phony",
  "Counterfeit",
  "Moody",
  "Dodgy"
  ];
  var randomFake = fake[Math.round(Math.random() * (fake.length - 1))];

  var familyMember = [
  "Brother",
  "Brother-in-Law",
  "Chef",
  "Cleaner",
  "Cousin",
  "Dad",
  "Gay Best Friend",
  "Grandfather",
  "Gym Buddy",
  "Male Stripper",
  "Neighbour",
  "Pet Dog",
  "Postman",
  "Step Brother",
  "Uncle"
  ];
  var randomFamilyMember = familyMember[Math.round(Math.random() * (familyMember.length - 1))];

  var festival = [
  "Burning Man",
  "Boomfest",
  "Coachella",
  "Creamfields",
  "Donauinselfest",
  "Field Day",
  "Glastonbury",
  "Global Gathering",
  "Lovebox",
  "Mawazine",
  "Przystanek Woodstock",
  "Rock in Rio",
  "Sonar",
  "SXSW",
  "Sundance",
  "Warehouse Project"
  ];
  var randomFestival = festival[Math.round(Math.random() * (festival.length - 1))];

  var genre = [
  "Ambient-pop",
  "Baile Funk",
  "Breakcore",
  "Britstep",
  "Bro-step",
  "Chillwave",
  "Clownstep",
  "Cumbia",
  "Doghouse",
  "Danger Music",
  "Drillstep",
  "Nu-disco",
  "No-wave",
  "Niche",
  "Crunkstep",
  "DnB-core",
  "Dubstep",
  "Post-EDM",
  "Pre-IDM",
  "Farmcore",
  "Folk-tronica",
  "Hardcore barbershop-tronica",
  "Hymntronica",
  "Post-punk",
  "Post-trap",
  "Psytrance",
  "Rape-gaze",
  "Sadcore",
  "Seapunk",
  "Scouse House",
  "Shitcore",
  "Soft Grunge",
  "Sprock",
  "Tumblrcore",
  "Witchhouse"
  ];
  var randomGenre = genre[Math.round(Math.random() * (genre.length - 1))];

  var gigged = [
  "Appeared as a Hologram at",
  "Beatboxed at",
  "Freestyled at",
  "Gigged at",
  "Rejected",
  "Played"
  ];
  var randomGigged = gigged[Math.round(Math.random() * (gigged.length - 1))];

  var guide = [
  "Explorations in",
  "Guide to",
  "Tour of",
  "Travels in",
  "Trip Around"
  ];
  var randomGuide = guide[Math.round(Math.random() * (guide.length - 1))];

  var group = [
  "Cartel",
  "Crew",
  "Faction",
  "Gang",
  "Group",
  "Subculture",
  "Tribe"
  ];
  var randomGroup = group[Math.round(Math.random() * (group.length - 1))];

  var gang = [
  "The Bloods",
  "The Crips",
  "The Mungiki",
  "The Russian Mob",
  "Los Zetas",
  "The 18th Street Gang",
  "The Mongols",
  "The Triads",
  "The Texas Syndicate",
  "The IRA",
  "The Cosa Nostra",
  "The Hell’s Angels",
  "The Yakuza",
  "The Black Guerrilla Family",
  "Wah Ching",
  "The Aryan Brotherhood",
  "The Jamaican Posse",
  "The Burger Bar Boys",
  "The Croxteth Crew",
  "The Peckham Boys",
  "The Tijuana Cartel"
  ];
  var randomGang = gang[Math.round(Math.random() * (gang.length - 1))];

  var we = [
  "I",
  "We"
  ];
  var randomWe = we[Math.round(Math.random() * (we.length - 1))];

  var musicScene = [
  "Scene"
  ];
  var randomMusicScene = musicScene[Math.round(Math.random() * (musicScene.length - 1))];

  var nationality = [
  "Bolivian",
  "Bosnian",
  "British",
  "Brazilian",
  "Bulgarian",
  "Burmese",
  "Cambodian",
  "Canadian",
  "Chechnyan",
  "Chilean",
  "Chinese",
  "Costa Rican",
  "Crimean",
  "Cuban",
  "Ghanain",
  "Guatemalan",
  "Hungarian",
  "Japanese",
  "Jordanian",
  "Lebanese",
  "Liberian",
  "Lithuanian",
  "Macedonian",
  "Mexican",
  "Moldovan",
  "Mongolian",
  "Moscovite",
  "Nicaraguan",
  "North Korean",
  "Palestinian",
  "Pakistani",
  "Persian",
  "Peruvian",
  "Philipino",
  "Polynesian",
  "Romanian",
  "Russian",
  "Serbian",
  "Scandinavian",
  "Somali",
  "South African",
  "Sri Lankan",
  "Syrian",
  "Venezuelan",
  "Vietnamese",
  "Zambian",
  "Zimbabwean"
  ];
  var randomNationality = nationality[Math.round(Math.random() * (nationality.length - 1))];

  var object1 = [
  "Bazooka",
  "Beer Can",
  "Beard Trimmer",
  "Baseball Bat",
  "Burka",
  "Blood Clot",
  "Broken Bottle",
  "Condom",
  "Drill",
  "Drum Kit",
  "Fixie",
  "Glow Stick",
  "Helmet",
  "Kalashnikov",
  "Keyboard",
  "MacBook",
  "Lego Brick"
  ];
  var randomObject1 = object1[Math.round(Math.random() * (object1.length - 1))];

  var object2 = [
  "Light Sabre",
  "Lighter",
  "Machete",
  "Nailgun",
  "Neon Light",
  "Needle",
  "Plaster",
  "Plastic Fork",
  "Riot Shield",
  "Rifle",
  "Rocket Launcher",
  "Rubber Duck",
  "Samurai Sword",
  "Synthesizer",
  "Tampon",
  "Thong",
  "TV Remote"
  ];
  var randomObject2 = object2[Math.round(Math.random() * (object2.length - 1))];

  var object = object1.concat(object2);
  var randomObject = object[Math.round(Math.random() * (object.length - 1))];

  var occupation1 = [
  "Barista",
  "Bouncer",
  "Burger Flipper",
  "Child Porn Fanatic",
  "Creative",
  "Death Row Inmate",
  "Deep Sea Diver",
  "Donkey Fluffer",
  "Drug Addict",
  "Drug Baron",
  "Film Maker",
  "Fishmonger",
  "Graffiti Crew Member",
  "Hacker",
  "Hooker",
  "Hipster",
  "Human Trafficker",
  "Jimmy Saville impersonator"
  ];
  var randomOccupation1 = occupation1[Math.round(Math.random() * (occupation1.length - 1))];

  var occupation2 = [
  "Media Runner",
  "Midget Stripper",
  "Mime Artist",
  "Miner",
  "Necrophiliac",
  "Pig Farmer",
  "Pirate",
  "Priest",
  "Programmer",
  "Psychologist",
  "Prostitute",
  "Rapper",
  "Rocket Scientist",
  "Scatologist",
  "Serial Killer",
  "Sex Slave",
  "Socialite",
  "Supermodel",
  "Steel Worker",
  "Taxi Driver"
  ];
  var randomOccupation2 = occupation2[Math.round(Math.random() * (occupation2.length - 1))];

  var occupation = occupation1.concat(occupation2);
  var randomOccupation = occupation[Math.round(Math.random() * (occupation.length - 1))];

  var person1 = [
  "Aaron Schwarz",
  "Adolf Hitler",
  "Angela Merkel",
  "Barack Obama",
  "Bashar al-Assad",
  "Ben Affleck",
  "Beyonce",
  "Bill Clinton",
  "Britney Spears",
  "Brian Blessed",
  "Calvin Harris",
  "Cara Delevingne",
  "Chairman Mao",
  "Charles Taylor",
  "Che Guevara",
  "Colonel Qaddafi",
  "Condoleezza Rice",
  "Courtney Love",
  "Chris Brown",
  "Chuck D",
  "Dr. Dre",
  "Daniel Radcliffe",
  "David Bowie",
  "David Letterman",
  "Dick Cheney",
  "Drew Barrymore",
  "Fidel Castro",
  "Gary Glitter",
  "George W. Bush",
  "Harry Styles",
  "Heisenberg",
  "Hilary Clinton",
  "Hugo Chavez",
  "James Franco",
  "Jay-Z",
  "Jason Biggs",
  "John Belushi",
  "John Lennon",
  "Justin Bieber",
  "Kanye West"
  ];
  var randomPerson1 = person1[Math.round(Math.random() * (person1.length - 1))];

  var person2 = [
  "Kanye West",
  "Kelsey Grammar",
  "Kim Dotcom",
  "Kim Jong Un",
  "Lenin",
  "Lil Wayne",
  "Lindsay Lohan",
  "Mahmoud Ahmadinejad",
  "Marilyn Monroe",
  "Matthew McConaughey",
  "Method Man",
  "Michael Barrymore",
  "Michael Jackson",
  "Miley Cyrus",
  "Mike Tyson",
  "Mitt Romney",
  "Morgan Freeman",
  "Mussolini",
  "Nigel Farage",
  "Nigella Lawson",
  "Nick Griffin",
  "Notorious B.I.G.",
  "Paris Hilton",
  "Paul McCartney",
  "Peaches Geldof",
  "Phil Collins",
  "Pol Pot",
  "Psy",
  "Puff Daddy",
  "R Kelly",
  "Ricky Gervais",
  "Richard Dawkins",
  "Rihanna",
  "Robert Downey Jr.",
  "Robert Mugabe",
  "Robin Thicke",
  "Rolf Harris",
  "Ryan Gosling",
  "Saddam Hussein",
  "Satan",
  "Seth Rogen",
  "Shakespeare",
  "Snoop Dogg",
  "Soldier Boy",
  "Stanley Kubrick",
  "Stalin",
  "Tara Reid",
  "Tupac",
  "Vladimir Putin"
  ];
  var randomPerson2 = person2[Math.round(Math.random() * (person2.length - 1))];

  var person = person1.concat(person2);
  var randomPerson = person[Math.round(Math.random() * (person.length - 1))];

  var place1 = [
  "Bangkok",
  "Beirut",
  "Belgrade",
  "Berlin",
  "Borneo",
  "Brooklyn",
  "Chile",
  "Croydon",
  "Cuba",
  "Denmark",
  "Egypt",
  "Gaza",
  "Guadalahara",
  "Hackney",
  "Hanoi",
  "Helsinki",
  "Iran",
  "Iraq",
  "Jerusalem"
  ];
  var randomPlace1 = place1[Math.round(Math.random() * (place1.length - 1))];

  var place2 = [
  "Johannesburg",
  "Kiev",
  "Lebanon",
  "Montenegro",
  "Moscow",
  "NY",
  "North Korea",
  "Osaka",
  "Pakistan",
  "Penang",
  "Russia",
  "Santiago",
  "Seoul",
  "Serbia",
  "Sudan",
  "Syria",
  "Timbuktu",
  "Zagreb",
  "Zurich",
  "Houston",
  "Ukraine",
  "Congo",
  "Sao Paolo",
  "Williamsburg"
  ];
  var randomPlace2 = place2[Math.round(Math.random() * (place2.length - 1))];

  var place = place1.concat(place2);
  var randomPlace = place[Math.round(Math.random() * (place.length - 1))];

  var sexualOrientation = [
  "Gay",
  "Homosexual",
  "Lesbian",
  "Feminist",
  "Queer"
  ];
  var randomSexualOrientation = sexualOrientation[Math.round(Math.random() * (sexualOrientation.length - 1))];

  var scenario = [
  "At College",
  "At Work",
  "Conducting Sacrifices",
  "In a Coma",
  "In Bed",
  "In Rehab",
  "In School",
  "At a Sex Party",
  "In the Studio",
  "On Location",
  "On the Streets",
  "On Vacation",
  "Playing Poker",
  "Playing Russian Roulette",
  "Undercover",
  "Underground"
  ];
  var randomScenario = scenario[Math.round(Math.random() * (scenario.length - 1))];

  var statuses = [
  "Bi-curious",
  "Down Syndrome",
  "Thalidomide",
  "Paraplegic",
  "Transgender"
  ];
  // Commented out because never used (always combined)
  // var randomStatus = statuses[Math.round(Math.random() * (statuses.length - 1))];

  var swapping = [
  "Exchanging",
  "Substituting",
  "Swapping",
  "Switching",
  "Trading"
  ];
  var randomSwapping = swapping[Math.round(Math.random() * (swapping.length - 1))];

  var time = [
  "24 Hours",
  "48 Hours",
  "5 Minutes",
  "72 Hours",
  "A Fucking Eternity",
  "A Month",
  "A Week",
  "A Year",
  "A Decade",
  "Channukah",
  "Christmas",
  "Easter",
  "Eid",
  "Halloween",
  "January",
  "Passover",
  "Fucking Ages",
  "Way Too Long"
  ];
  var randomTime = time[Math.round(Math.random() * (time.length - 1))];

  var tvShow = [
  "Archer",
  "Arrested Development",
  "Avatar",
  "Batman",
  "Breaking Bad",
  "CSI",
  "Dexter",
  "Doctor Who",
  "Fawlty Towers",
  "Friends",
  "Game of Thrones",
  "Harry Potter",
  "House of Cards",
  "Lost",
  "Mad Men",
  "M.A.S.H.",
  "Seinfeld",
  "Star Trek",
  "Star Wars",
  "The Killing",
  "The Sopranos",
  "The Tonight Show",
  "The X Files",
  "The Wire",
  "Top Gear",
  "True Detective",
  "Twin Peaks",
  "T.O.W.I.E.",
  "Catfish"
  ];
  var randomTvShow = tvShow[Math.round(Math.random() * (tvShow.length - 1))];

  // to sort
  var pain = [
  "Killed",
  "Tortured",
  "Molested",
  "Executed",
  "Strangled",
  "Murdered",
  "Whored Out",
  "Violated",
  "Defiled",
  "Abused",
  "Assaulted"
  ];
  var randomPain = pain[Math.round(Math.random() * (pain.length - 1))];

  var religion = [
  "Christian",
  "Hindu",
  "Jewish",
  "Muslim",
  "Scientologist",
  "Buddhist",
  "Taoist",
  "Sikh",
  "Pagan",
  "Kemetist"
  ];
  var randomReligion = religion[Math.round(Math.random() * (religion.length - 1))];

  var socialMediaAction = [
  "Posted it on Facebook",
  "Live Tweeted the Whole Thing",
  "Instagrammed the Shit out of it",
  "Built an App for it",
  "Made a Hilarious Vine of it",
  "Started an AMA on Reddit",
  "Created an Account for it on Tinder",
  "Sent Out a Bunch of Snapchats",
  "Slapped it on Youtube"
  ];
  var randomSocialMediaAction = socialMediaAction[Math.round(Math.random() * (socialMediaAction.length - 1))];

  var socialNetwork = [
  "Facebook",
  "Twitter",
  "Instragram",
  "Secret",
  "Grindr",
  "Vine",
  "Reddit",
  "Tinder",
  "Snapchat",
  "MySpace",
  "AirBnB"
  ];
  var randomSocialNetwork = socialNetwork[Math.round(Math.random() * (socialNetwork.length - 1))];

  var doingBad = [
  "Fellating",
  "Having Sex with",
  "Kissing"
  ];
  var randomDoingBad = doingBad[Math.round(Math.random() * (doingBad.length - 1))];

  var found = [
  "Caught",
  "Documented",
  "Filmed",
  "Found"
  ];
  var randomFound = found[Math.round(Math.random() * (found.length - 1))];

  var worst = [
  "Most Backward Place We\'ve Ever Been",
  "Seediest Place in the World",
  "Most Dangerous Place on Earth"
  ];
  var randomWorst = worst[Math.round(Math.random() * (worst.length - 1))];

  var howWhy = [
  "How",
  "Why"
  ];
  var randomHowWhy = howWhy[Math.round(Math.random() * (howWhy.length - 1))];

  var articleType = [
  "The Definitive Guide",
  "A Documentary",
  "We Go Deep Undercover"
  ];
  var randomArticleType = articleType[Math.round(Math.random() * (articleType.length - 1))];

  var front = [
  "Just a Front for",
  "Full of",
  "Packed with",
  "A Facade For"
  ];
  var randomFront = front[Math.round(Math.random() * (front.length - 1))];

  var band = [
  "Band"
  ];
  var randomBand = band[Math.round(Math.random() * (band.length - 1))];

  var lived = [
  "Lived as",
  "Began Life as",
  "Masqueraded as",
  "Pretended to be"
  ];
  var randomLived = lived[Math.round(Math.random() * (lived.length - 1))];

  var reason = [
  "For No Reason At All",
  "For Shits and Giggles",
  "For A laugh",
  "As a Wind Up",
  "For Fun",
  "Because That\'s Journalism",
  "To Write This Article",
  "As a Joke"
  ];
  var randomReason = reason[Math.round(Math.random() * (reason.length - 1))];

  var save = [
  "Save",
  "Stop",
  "Prevent"
  ];
  var randomSave = save[Math.round(Math.random() * (save.length - 1))];

  var debating = [
  "Debating",
  "Deliberating",
  "Considering"
  ];
  var randomDebating = debating[Math.round(Math.random() * (debating.length - 1))];

  var discover = [
  "Discover",
  "Find Out",
  "See"
  ];
  var randomDiscover = discover[Math.round(Math.random() * (discover.length - 1))];

  var went = [
  "Went To",
  "Flew To",
  "Travelled To",
  "Hitchhiked To"
  ];
  var randomWent = went[Math.round(Math.random() * (went.length - 1))];

  var happened = [
  "Happened",
  "Went On",
  "Went Down"
  ];
  var randomHappened = happened[Math.round(Math.random() * (happened.length - 1))];

  var human = [
  "Man",
  "Woman",
  "Child",
  "Teenager",
  "Girl",
  "Boy",
  "Baby"
  ];
  var randomHuman = human[Math.round(Math.random() * (human.length - 1))];

  var met = [
  "Met",
  "Stumbled Across",
  "Found",
  "Ignored"
  ];
  var randomMet = met[Math.round(Math.random() * (met.length - 1))];

  var member = [
  "A Member",
  "A Representative",
  "A Foe",
  "An Ememy",
  "A Whistleblower"
  ];
  var randomMember = member[Math.round(Math.random() * (member.length - 1))];

  // combinations
  var placeFestival = place.concat(festival);
  var randomPlaceFestival = placeFestival[Math.round(Math.random() * (placeFestival.length - 1))];

  var statusReligion = statuses.concat(religion);
  var randomStatusReligion = statusReligion[Math.round(Math.random() * (statusReligion.length - 1))];

  var statusReligionNationality = statusReligion.concat(nationality);
  var randomStatusReligionNationality = statusReligionNationality[Math.round(Math.random() * (statusReligionNationality.length - 1))];

  var occupationBand = occupation.concat(band);
  var randomOccupationBand = occupationBand[Math.round(Math.random() * (occupationBand.length - 1))];

  var occupationStatusReligionNationality = statusReligionNationality.concat(occupation);
  var randomOccupationStatusReligionNationality = occupationStatusReligionNationality[Math.round(Math.random() * (occupationStatusReligionNationality.length - 1))];

  var sexualOrientationReligion = sexualOrientation.concat(religion);
  var randomSexualOrientationReligion = sexualOrientationReligion[Math.round(Math.random() * (sexualOrientationReligion.length - 1))];

  // create a bunch of headlines
  var a = randomHowWhy + " " + randomPlace + "\'s " + randomOccupation + "s " + "are " + randomSwapping + " " + randomObject1 + "s " + "for " + randomObject2 + "s";
  var b = randomWe + " Spent " + randomTime + " " + randomScenario + " with " + randomPlace + "\'s " + randomOccupation + "s";
  var c = randomDrugTaking + " " + randomDrug + " " + randomScenario + " with " + randomPerson;
  var d = "A " + randomStatusReligionNationality + " " + randomOccupation + "\'s " + randomGuide + " " + randomPlace;
  var e = randomObject1 + "s, " + randomObject2 + "s and " + randomDrug + ": " + randomScenario + " with " + randomPerson + " in " + randomPlace;
  var f = "Is the " + randomNationality + " " + randomGenre + " " + randomMusicScene + " " + randomChanging + "?";
  var g = randomTime + " with " + randomPerson + " and a " + randomNationality + " " + randomOccupation;
  var h = randomPerson + "\'s " + randomFamilyMember + " is Not a " + randomOccupation1 + ", But He is a " + randomOccupation2;
  var i = "Do " + randomOccupation + "s Really Need " + randomObject + "s? This " + randomNationality + " " + randomGenre + " Fan " + randomAnswer;
  var j = "We\'re " + randomDebating + " " + randomDrugTaking1 + " " + randomDrug1 + " vs. " + randomDrugTaking2 + " " + randomDrug2 + " with " + randomPerson;
  var k = "Meet the " + randomStatusReligionNationality + " " + randomOccupation + "s Who Are Putting " + randomGenre + " Back on the Map";
  var l = "I " + randomLived + " a " + randomOccupation + " in " + randomPlace + " and There Was No " + randomPerson;
  var m = randomDiscover + " What " + randomHappened + " When We Were " + randomScenario + " for " + randomTime + " in " + randomPlace;
  var n = "We\'re " + randomDrugTaking + " " + randomDrug + " with " + randomPlace + "\'s " + randomOccupation + "s";
  var o = "Next Month, " + randomPerson + " Spends " + randomTime + " With a " + randomObject + ", " + randomDrugTaking + " " + randomDrug;
  var p = "This is the " + randomStatusReligionNationality + " " + randomOccupation + " Who Wants to Make " + randomPlace1 + " the New " + randomPlace2;
  var q = randomPerson + ": " + randomHowWhy + " a " + randomObject + " Couldn\'t " + randomSave + " My " + randomFamilyMember + " From Overdosing on " + randomDrug + " in " + randomPlace;
  var r = randomHowWhy + " " + randomPerson1 + " thought " + randomPerson2 + " was a " + randomStatusReligion + " " + randomOccupationBand;
  var s = randomHowWhy + " " + randomPlace + "\'s " + randomCoolest + " " + randomBand + " Have Already " + randomGigged + " Next Year\'s " + randomFestival;
  var t = randomDrugTaking + " " + randomDrug + " at " + randomFestival + ": " + randomArticleType;
  var u = "Meet the Writers Behind " + randomPlace + "\'s Version of " + randomTvShow;
  var v = randomHowWhy + " " + randomPlace + "\'s Answer to " + randomTvShow + " Is Just " + randomPerson + " on " + randomDrug;
  var w = randomAge + " and " + randomSexualOrientation + ": " + randomPlace + "\'s " + randomOccupation + "s";
  var x = randomAmount + " Reasons Why " + randomPlaceFestival + " is the " + randomWorst;
  var y = randomWe + " " + randomPain + " " + randomPerson + " and " + randomSocialMediaAction;
  var z = randomWe + " " + randomFound + " " + randomPerson + " and a " + randomReligion + " " + randomOccupation + " " + randomDoingBad + " Each Other";
  var aa = randomHowWhy + " Being a " + randomNationality + " " + randomSexualOrientationReligion + " Got Me a Role on " + randomTvShow;
  var ab = randomHowWhy + " " + randomPlace + "\'s Version of " + randomSocialNetwork + " is " + randomFront + " " + randomPain + " " + randomOccupation + "s";
  var ac = randomWe + " " + randomWent + " " + randomPlaceFestival + " and " + randomBoughtSold + " " + randomFake + " " + randomDrug + " " + randomReason;
  var ad = randomWe + " " + randomFound + " a " + randomSexualOrientationReligion + " " + randomOccupationBand + " and didn\'t " + randomSave + " them from " + randomDoingBad + " " + randomPerson;
  var ae = randomWe + " " + randomMet + " a " + randomHuman + " on " + randomSocialNetwork +  " who " + randomWent + " " + randomPlaceFestival + " and " + randomPain + " their " + randomFamilyMember;
  var af = "I " + randomLived + " " + randomMember + " of " + randomGang;
  var ag = randomHowWhy + " a " + randomOccupationStatusReligionNationality + " " + randomGroup + " are the " + randomCoolest + " " + randomGenre + " " + randomBand + " in " + randomPlace;

  // combine headlines into an array
  var headlines = [];
  headlines.push(a, b, c, d, e, f, g, h, i, j, k, l, m, n, o, p, q, r, s, t, u, v, w, x, y, z, aa, ab, ac, ad, ae, af, ag);

  // pick a random headline
  var headline = headlines[Math.round(Math.random() * (headlines.length - 1))];
  return headline;
}

// Set the content of element with ID "headline"
function setHeadline() {
  document.getElementById('headline').innerHTML = randomHeadline();
}