Proof of flakey DB connector

poc.php

<?php

ini_set('log_errors', 0);
ini_set('display_errors', 1);

$options = [
    PDO::ATTR_EMULATE_PREPARES => false
];

global $connection;
$connection = new PDO(
    "mysql:host=127.0.0.1;charset=utf8",
    getenv("SS_DATABASE_USERNAME"),
    getenv("SS_DATABASE_PASSWORD"),
    $options
);
$connection->setAttribute(PDO::ATTR_ERRMODE, PDO::ERRMODE_EXCEPTION);

function message($message)
{
    echo "$message\n";
}

function prepared($sql, $args)
{
    message("running $sql");
    global $connection;
    $statement = $connection->prepare(
        $sql,
        array(PDO::ATTR_CURSOR => PDO::CURSOR_FWDONLY)
    );
    if (!$statement) {
        throw new Exception("Failed prepare: $sql");
    }
    $statement->execute($args);
    $result = $statement->fetchAll();
    $statement->closeCursor();
    message("closing cursor");
    return $result;
};

function query($sql)
{
    return prepared($sql, []);
};

// Will error with:
// SQLSTATE[HY000]: General error: 2014 Cannot execute queries while other
// unbuffered queries are active.  Consider using PDOStatement::fetchAll().
// Alternatively, if your code is only ever going to run against mysql, you
// may enable query buffering by setting the PDO::MYSQL_ATTR_USE_BUFFERED_QUERY attribute.
query('USE SS_ss40dev');

foreach (prepared('SELECT * FROM "SiteTree" WHERE "ID" = ?', [1]) as $row) {
    var_dump($row);
}