An abstract for a talk I would like to give on how we used xamarin forms to build an internal application, off a simple utterance of the words "it would be nice"

Abstract

Title:
hrm.
Spitballing here:
Xamarin Forms - Answering "It would be nice if..."
Three mobile platforms in an afternoon? No Problem.
Surprise customer request? Xamarin Forms.

Abstract:

"It would be nice if," those magical words customers like to say at the end of a project. In our case
the customer wanted a mobile app, something we had no plans to build; to go along with the web application
we just created. For many development teams this would require extra meetings, and a longer backlog.
But because we have Xamarin Forms, that was not the case. Using Xamarin and their forms library, our
team is able share UI code on every mobile device platform with familiar languages like C# and Xaml. 
Join Tim Sneed as he discusses how he and his team surprised their customer by bulding three 
native mobile applications in an afternoon. 

Up front - Im going to offer some detailed feedback so don't think I'm picking on yuo :). The idea is a fun one - a real world story on how Xamarin made you look like a star (ever dev wants that tool) - the execution can be better.

First thought is - you like that phrase, so put it in the title. Every dev recognizes it (or a variation of it). Then carry that through to your abstract. Right now your abstract is confusing, at best.

I like stories - but I have to read through 5 sentences before I get to some salient points you're making (which are argumentative and a bit polarizing - device knowledge is very important to many people - if you state a point on that, back it up).

So, hit your punchline in the first sentence (or two): "In the standup today our small prototype iOS app went from a simple, fun "wonder if this is possible" to "it would be nice to have it on Android and Windows Phone". For many developers this would be a problem, but not for us - we use Xamarin."

I don't know if this is what you're going for with this talk (which is part of the problem with the current abstract) but a flat, up-front statement like this will set the hook. Flesh it out a bit in the following paragraphs and try to steer clear of declarative statements that can read as "everybody knows that" and "today we do it better" - stuff like that. You'll likely eat your words in the future which sucks if the talk is recorded.

Some niggling points - "the unicorn is captured" might refer to something, but I don't know what it is. If this is a meme thing, you might want to rethink it (sounds like you read Twitter too much). If it's a reference to a movie, consider the audience might not have your cultural background. It's usually better to make your point without obscure references (a problem I have to be sure).

A phrase like "even Windows Phone" will lose you a good number of attendees before your talk even starts - its a marginalizing statement and those guys are sooooo tired of being trolled :).

Give it another go? Happy to read again. The basic rule is that the abstract supports the title all the way through. If it doesn't sound good or read well your talk is boring so rethink the point you're making :).

I don't think thats the case here though - this sounds interesting to me, sell me a bit more on why I should care!

Ok, I completely get what you are saying. I revised some phrasing and language and I think the new abstract and title go with what you are saying. It was difficult to write an abstract with several working titles,
once I found a title that rang true, I was able to adjust the outline into an abstract.

Thank you so much.

Oh, a very cool talk concept. I like the story the abstract tells. :)

Two small points: the change of voice from "Not for us! We have Xamarin.Forms" to "Join Tim Sneed as he discusses" throws me off; and, while the title works, "bothering" feels maybe too negative? I suddenly hear people commenting, "Hey, I don't bother my customer! They love me!" after reading it.

Otherwise, it looks good. Good luck!

I hope you don't mind additional feedback beyond your initial request.

I echo the thoughts of @rachelreese regarding the change of voice (not for us / join me...) it is a bit jarring.

The last line is a great one, concrete (3 apps in an afternoon) that really grabs interest (further setting the hook). Put another way, if that was the only line in the abstract I'd go to the session w/o question.

It's more concise, but I'm still confused. Again - this is direct feedback and I hope it doesn't come across negatively :). I do like the idea of sharing a true story - but I think what we're doing is sussing out what is interesting about that story. It has to have a point and I think we're wandering around that point.

In the first go you suggested you could move quickly with Xamarin, in this go it's something else entirely (which is fine - this is the sussing part).

The title suggests you don't need/want to communicate with the customer - this seems counter to many ideas in development. If this is correct, what you're suggesting is that an Android/Windows Phone app (without Xamarin) would require more involvement from your customer. Perhaps - but if you had a set of requirements for an app... why would they need to be involved in a platform discussion?

This might stand up if you said "we were asked to prototype an iOS app then all of a sudden they changed their mind - good thing for us, we use Xamarin so we could simply say 'OK'!".

The big thing here is "why do I, the audience member, care"? War stories are always interesting, but war stories that share a learned lesson are even better.

So, start with "it would be nice if..." - this is your inspiration, the thing that made you want to do this talk. What did you learn in this process? What's making you want to do this talk? Just write that down in simple, direct language - even if it's a simple sentence - with a Title TBD - we'll pull it from the abstract.

To be ultra clear: just write the inspiration plainly. Something like "Last year I worked on a project with a client that kept changing their mind. They wanted a mobile app, something we were in the middle of creating, when they uttered the magical client incantation... 'it would be nice if...'. Normally this would require some pushback, but we used Xamarin Forms, which turned out to be a lifesaver" (work the details here as needed).

From here, we can add some detail, dive into the AHA stuff, set a great tone!

This abstract reads much better. I do like the 'it would be nice if' starting part. Rob makes a very good point with it. I'm not sure if it needs so much of the acquiescence, pushback meetings, backlog. Tease it down to two points in that sentence perhaps? The first couple of sentences almost made it feel like it was going to be a project management talk.

How about something like

Instead of extra meetings and a longer backlog we used Xamarin Forms to share UI code on every mobile platform.

In place of the

"For many development teams this would require pushback, acquiescence, extra meetings, and
multiples of "more" items in the backlog. But because we have Xamarin Forms, that was not the case.
Using Xamarin and their forms library, our team is able share UI code on every mobile device platform"

Much better! Pulled me right in :) - well done! The big question I have, however, is "why can't a responsive design work here?". It's one of the biggest questions businesses face when dealing with mobile clients: responsive or native? I might suggest adding that somehow - and make sure to tie it all up with something like "Tim Sneed discusses how he and his team dealt with these challenges and surprised the client in a single afternoon!".

Good stuff Tim - well done!