- Stand up straight with your shoulders back: man up, we are all on this Earth to suffer.
- Treat yourself like someone you are responsible for helping: Stop waiting for other people to dig you out of your pitiful hole.
- Make friends with people who want the best for you: If people are determined to screw up, let them they will drag you down to their level. So stick with the winners.
- Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not to who someone else is today: Happiness is the PROGRESS for winning. Winning itself doesnt mean that much. Dont compare yourself with the smartest man on earth.
- Do not let your children do anything that makes you dislike them:
- Set your house in perfect order before you criticize the world
- Pursue what is meaningful (not what is expedient): So quit looking for short cuts and start reading Nietzsche.
- Tell the truth – or, at least, don't lie
- Assume that the person you are listening to might know something you don't: Just shut up, quit moaning and LISTEN.
- Be precise in your speech: Dont look at the concequences of the truth. Face up to the real horrors of the world. Be articulate as much as possible.
- Do not bother children when they are skateboarding: There’s nothing wrong with men having all the best jobs and women staying home to look after the kids. So back off, ladies, and give us men a break.
- Pet a cat when you encounter one on the street: Indulge yourself every once in a while. Make a reward after you do something. Dont oppress yourself with a lot of work.
There are six distinct emotional leadership styles:
| Style | Focuses on | When useful | Requires |
|---|---|---|---|
| Authoritative | Inspiring others, setting common goal (not how to get there) | When the organization needs a new vision/direction | Empathy, self-confidence, enthusiasm |
| Coaching | Connect personal goals with organization goals | For team members who needs help building long-term skills | Knowing your team, coaching and mentorship |
| Affiliative | Creating harmony, connect people and resolve conflicts | When there is high tension or conflict | Reading emotions and being optimistic |
| Democratic | Collaboration and asking input of others | When team memnbers are skilled and experienced | Active listening and facilitation skills |
| Pacesetter | Focus on performance and meeting goals - leader would jump in to make sure goals are met | When we need high quality results from a motivated team, quickly | Improve team members productivity, motivational skills |
| Coercive | Focus on giving orders, threat and punishment | Crisis situations | Making good decisions under pressure, quick on your feet, manage crises, effective in high pressure |
- Self-Awareness: Understanding one's Emotions, Strengths, Limitations, Values, Motives, Goals and Dreams. Enables better intuition and more informed decisions.
- Self Management: Live by your values, Speak up, Responsible, Trustworthy, Productive, Good work ethic, Learn, Be nice, Self-disciplined, Healthy. Enables optimistic enthusiasm, even under pressure which radiates positive feelings that create resonance.
- Self-Awareness: Active listener, Not self-centered, Results & People oriented. Is crucial for the leader’s primal task of driving resonance (Harmony).
- Self Management: Persuasion, Conflict Management, Collaboration. Emotionally intelligent leaders know that what people value most deeply will move them most powerfully in their work.
Self directed learning for leaders to grow in emotional intelligence, they must take initiative and be responsible for growth and change:
- My Ideal Self: Engage the power of your ideal self - Goals => Passion => Perseverence for true change.
- The Real Self: Strength vs Gaps analysis.
- Learning Agenda: Must resonate with dreams, conformed to your learning style, toward your ideal self.
- Reconfiguring the Brain: Bring bad habits into awareness, Consciously practice a better way.
- The Power of Relationships: Experimenting and practicing new habits requires finding safe places and relationships.
- Acknowledging Reality and Understanding Norms
- Maximizing the Group’s Emotional Intelligence
- The Self-Aware Team
- The Self-Managed Team
The bottom line of this book is found in its subtitle: Renewing Yourself and Connecting with Others Through Mindfulness, Hope and Compassion. Leaders who are negative in thought, word or deed, they will produce a negative climate and culture, with a negative impact on employee performance.
The company has a crisis or hits a rough patch. The manager or leader or even CEO begins to bear down, actually sacrificing herself or himself for the cause—works harder, eats poorly, stays longer hours to “fix” the problem. S/he has everyone focused on the problem with what I would call a “do not” focus—do not screw this up, do not let your guard down, do not let things slip. Whatever the “do not” thing is, when a leader approaches this negative stressor (or negative attractor), s/he begins a stress cycle not unlike the early days when we hunted wild game to survive. The worst part is that those infected with the Sacrifice Syndrome cannot see their slip into the abyss, instead often seeing others as incompetent, lazy, and useless. Unfortunately, dissonance is the default human setting, to protect us from that which would harm us.
In the Sacrifice Syndrome, the negative stimulus (dropping revenues, a difficult boss or employee) enters the right part of the brain and gets transmitted through the Sympathetic Nervous System. This stimulates the release of hormones (adrenaline and cortical) which is really good when you’re really in trouble…not so great when released several times a day. Positive attractors, things that happen that are pleasant, even gratifying (being loved, praised, honored) trigger the opposite side of the brain, and the lucky person secretes either oxytocin (women) or vasopressin (men)—both of which reduce blood pressure and make us calmer, more relaxed, and more able to solve problems more quickly and easily. The authors offer three types of positive attractors to get this Renewal Cycle started: Mindfulness, Hope and Compassion.
Mindfulness relates to being self aware and emotionally controlled (emotional intelligence) as well as aware of others and able to manage multiple relationships (social intelligence). "awake, aware, and attending— to our ourselves and the world around us". Oftentimes, we can slip into a mindless state when we overfocus on a problem. Look at the bigger picture and be effective not tunnel visioned and only efficient. Actually our physical vision is greatly reduced (from 180 degrees to 30 degrees of peripheral vision) when we are under stress. The authors offer some solutions. For example, reflection and renewal can take the form of meditating, writing in a journal, taking walks—anything that disturbs the spiral into a negative attractor.
Hope can help a leader focus on his or her vision for the future. And vision becomes a very powerful positive attractor and takes us down a path of renewal, not negative emotion and dissonance. The authors offer three key components of hope: 1) the leader needs a vision and to be in touch with people around him/her; 2) the leader must be optimistic; and 3) the leader must see the future as feasible.
Compassion is a positive action. The authors offer three components of compassion: 1) empathy for others; 2) caring for others; and, 3) a willingness to act on those feelings.
Particularly useful when making positive change. The model is: 1) Determine your ideal self (who you want to be at your very best—your vision for your best future); 2) Inventory your “real self” (who you are right now); 3) Know your strengths and weaknesses and establish a learning agenda to address them; 4) Experiment with new behaviors that work on strengths (and manage weaknesses); 5) Develop resonant and close relationships to help you in each stage of the process.
The root cause of absence of trust lies with team members being unable to show their weaknesses; to be vulnerable and open with one another. The absence of trust is a huge waste of time and energy as team members invest their time and energy in defensive behaviors, and are reluctant to ask for help from – or assist – each other. Teams can overcome this dysfunction by sharing experiences, following through in multiple ways, demonstrating credibility, and developing strong insight into the unique characteristics of team members.
Teams that are lacking trust are incapable of having unfiltered, passionate debate about things that matter, causing team members to avoid conflict, replacing it with an artificial harmony. In a work setting where team members do not openly express their opinions, inferior decisions are often the result. When working in teams you need to understand that conflict is productive.
Without conflict, it is not easy for team members to commit and buy-in to decisions, resulting in an environment where ambiguity prevails. People will buy into something when their opinions are included in the decision-making process – for example through debate. Productive teams make joint and transparent decisions and are confident that they have the support of each team member. This is not as much about seeking consensus but making sure everyone is heard.
When teams don’t commit, you can’t have accountability: “people aren’t going to hold each other accountable if they haven’t clearly bought into the plan”. In a well-functioning team, it’s the responsibility of each team member to hold one another accountable and accept it when others hold them accountable. Very often, the key to success is the measurement of progress: making clear what the team’s standards are, what needs to be done, by whom and by when.
A team can only become results oriented when all team members place the team’s results first. When individuals aren’t held accountable, team members naturally tend to look out for their own interests, rather than the interests of the team. Teams can overcome this dysfunction by making the team results clear and rewarding the behaviors that contribute to the team’s results.
The primary role of the leader in overcoming these dysfunctions is to lead by example and set the tone for the whole team. This includes being the first one to be vulnerable, encouraging debate and conflict, making responsibilities and deadlines clear, setting the team’s standards, and last but not least being clear on the team’s results.
Use the F word "Fair" positive and constructive. Early on in a negotiation I say I want you to feel been treated fairly at all times, if you dont feel like that please let me know.
Other person is really buying, sell yourself more than a body for a job. Sell yourself and your success as a way to validate their own intelligence and broadcast it to the entire comany. Make sure your they know your importance bend their reality to include you as their embassodor they will have a stake in your success.
A universal rule when someone gives you something you expect something in return. They wont give anything more unless you pay them back
Regulate your emotion and bite your tongue, pause think let passion dissipate.
A deal is nothing with a good implementation. By making your counterpart artiulate implementation in their own words. Your carefully calibrated why questions will convince them that its their idea. People are more likely to implement the deal if they think its their idea.
Adversary is the situation, and the person you are dealing with is your partner.
Finding black swans (unknown unknows) we dont know the question to ask,
- Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.
- Give honest and sincere appreciation.
- Arouse in the other person an eager want.
- Become genuinely interested in other people.
- Smile.
- Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
- Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
- Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
- Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely.
- The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
- Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.”
- If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
- Begin in a friendly way.
- Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately.
- Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
- Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
- Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
- Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.
- Appeal to the nobler motives.
- Dramatize your ideas.
- Throw down a challenge.
- Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
- Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.
- Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
- Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
- Let the other person save face.
- Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”
- Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
- Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
- Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment. …. Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain—and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.
That reminds me of this famous quote by Thomas Carlyle: “A great man shows his greatness by the way he treats little men.”
When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.
The only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it.
If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.
Being bullied made him very attentive at reading people and a lifelong desire to help the defenseless. Harry Howell; owner of the local grocery store that Comey worked at when he was in school. He showed Comey that you could be powerful yet compassionate and understanding at the same time. Howell was a tough boss with very high standards, and he took pride in having an immaculately clean and organized store. One time, mercy motivated him to work harder than any punishment would have.
Comey wanted a career with real value and purpose – he wanted to help people directly, so he became a lawyer. Giuliani was an exciting and ambitious figure to work for, he also taught Comey that it’s important for a leader to have humility – something Comey felt Giuliani lacked. Without humility, you’ll end up with a group of advisors too scared to tell you the truth and outside that small circle will be people who resent your self-serving attitude - and wont have all the answers.
What Comey found out from his prosecution of New York mobsters is that they operate under a delusional, fear-based leadership. Comey worked for another influential boss (Helen Fahey) who showed him how loyalty could be achieved through confidence, hard work and compassion. She taught him always putting the interests of the team ahead of her own.
One of the criticisms leveled at Comey is that he seeks the spotlight, but in his view, he’s always focused on doing the right thing on a case-by-case basis. One of the biggest cases came in 2001 when Martha Stewart broke the law by selling stock based on insider information. Comey and other investigators voted to prosecute the case otherwise her status would be the reason not to prosecute. Stewart got five months in prison.
The unlawful surveillance was part of an NSA program called Stellar Wind, and when Comey found out about this, he immediately told his boss, John Ashcroft, who agreed that the program should no longer receive DOJ approval. Ashcroft, sick and severely pale, told the White House staffers that Comey was in charge and sent them out an emotional moment Comey will never forget. In May of 2004, with both Comey and FBI Director Robert Mueller both threatening to quit, President Bush took the DOJ’s advice and called for appropriate changes to be made to the White House’s surveillance policies.
After Bush’s re-election in 2004, Ashcroft was succeeded by Alberto Gonzalez, who, as White House Counsel for the Bush administration, had been firmly against Comey during the NSA battle. Now the DOJ was being led by someone who appeared more concerned with helping his old boss than upholding the law. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice wasn’t interested in discussing the matter if both the CIA and the DOJ were fine with the current arrangement. The "enhanced interrogation" (such as waterboarding, or forcing people to stand and defecate in diapers, were seen as legitimate since they didn’t qualify as causing severe physical pain) policies of the Bush Administration would therefore remain in place – prompting Comey to hand in his resignation a few months later.
President Obama was interested in Comey becoming the next director of the FBI. Obama wanted an independent and apolitical FBI and DOJ also grateful for diverse opinions; something Comey believed to be a hallmark of great leadership. The FBI was greatly misused under its first director, J. Edgar Hoover. He was an obsessive man who led through fear-based methods, like blackmail. Comy wanted to fix this environment and make the FBI less white and male launching a program of diverse recruitment.
Comey was impressed by how intelligent and effective a leader Obama was also struck by his great sense of humor and ability to laugh. Comey has a list of six traits for great leaders, which are:
- A strong sense of integrity and decency;
- Having enough confidence to be humble;
- A good balance of toughness and kindness;
- Transparency in their motivations;
- An awareness that all people want their work to be meaningful;
- The understanding that words are important, but actions are even more important.
Comey couldn’t pick sides with the Black Lives Matter and the Police Lives Matter movements, and in trying to give a nuanced and unifying speech at a press conference, he managed to anger both groups. Talking to Obama afterward, the president listened carefully to what Comey had to say, showing his eagerness to learn and take in other viewpoints. Obama then enlightened Comey by respectfully walking him through the perspective of someone from a black neighborhood. It was precisely the kind of effective leadership that gave Comey so much respect for the president.
The FBI’s concern was that Clinton had been discussing top secret information through a non-government-secured account. FBI investigators eventually realized that Clinton’s emails contained 36 chains discussing confidential information, though everyone involved had clearance and a need to know. With the election just weeks away, investigators found a laptop containing thousands more emails from the time when she was using an AT&T Blackberry account. Comey was in the difficult position of trying to be transparent about what was happening without potentially influencing the outcome of the election. Either they could conceal or talk about it openly. The FBI released a short statement that, given new evidence, the case had been reopened.
They announcement that there was no need for prosecution on November 6, 2016, two days before the election that Hillary Clinton would end up losing to Donald Trump. Whether the FBI investigation influenced the outcome of the election or not, Comey doesn’t know. He's replayed the decisions he had to make over and over but is still confident that he made the right choices given the difficult choices he was facing.
During the first briefing with Trump it was mentioned that Russia was in possession of compromising information – including a videotape of Trump in the company of two prostitutes. This is the first time Comey had met Trump, and it brought to his mind the actions of the Mafia bosses he’d once worked to put behind bars. Comey reports that Trump repeatedly asked him for his loyalty at private dinners. Comey did not pledge his loyalty to Trump. Trump asked Comey to drop the investigation into Mike Flynn – Trump’s former National Security Advisor. Comey wrote memos after every time Trump asked to talk to him privately. On April 11, 2017, Trump fired Comey that he hadn’t made more efforts to “lift the cloud” of the Russia investigation. Trump tweeted "James Comey better hope there are no 'tapes' of our conversations before he starts leaking to the press.". Comey was a private citizen, he had every right to use the memos and leaked them to the press hoping that justice will prevail.
We do not pledge loyalty to an organization or a leader. We pledge it for higher values, and if those same values were appreciated by the organization then we indirectly pledge loyalty for the organization. If those values change for either the organization or the personnel then large portion of the indirect loyalty will be decimated.