circe-shoot.el

(defvar circe-shoot-firearms
  '(("shotgun" . "blasts")
    ("ICBM silo" . "nukes")
    ("water gun" . "drenches")
    ("flame thrower" . "roasts")
    ("tranquilizer gun" . "knocks out")
    ("Visual Studio Enterprise Edition" . "refactors away")
    ("blunderbuss" . "hits everything but")
    ("monad" . "encapsulates")
    ("XML generator" . "makes tag soup out of")
    ("Mitsubishi A6M Zero" . "breaks divine wind on")
    ("postgresql prompt" . "shards")
    ("autotools" . "#ifdefs %s out of existence")
    ("Windows XP botnet" . "DDoSes")
    ("taser" . "electrocutes")
    ("git" . "merge --squashes")
    ("WoW account" . "kills %s's avatar")
    ("fflush" . "writes %s to disk")
    ("sniper rifle" . "assassinates")
    ("Colt Peacemaker" . "pacifies")
    ("RFC1149-compliant avian carrier" . "UDP floods")
    ("legislative branch" . "leaves %s behind")
    ("Batarang" . "knocks %s down")
    ("λ calculus" . "β reduces")
    ("common lisp" . "macroexpands")
    ("shell" . "fork bombs")
    ("ghci" . "type checks")
    ("finite automaton" . "rejects")
    ("garbage collector" . "reclaims")
    ("lightning bolt" . "sends %s to tartarus")
    ("lawyer" . "starts criminal proceedings against")
    ("shyster" . "SLAPPs %s upside the haid")
    ("SOAP" . "describes %s in WSDL")
    ("Aperture Science Emergency Intelligence Incinerator" . "euthanizes")
    ("cat launcher" . "unleashes a clawnado upon")
    ("bitkeeper" . "locks in")
    ("fish catapult" . "buries %s in flounder")
    ("Facebook account" . "tags %s in a scandalous photograph")
    ("nailgun" . "crucifies")
    ("nickelback greatest hits" . "forces %s to listen")
    ("axiom of choice" . "reassembles %s into two identical copies")
    ("lawyer" . "litigates")
    ("ld50" . "ODs")
    ("WD40" . "lubricates")
    ("awk" . "shoves %s through a one-liner")
    ("pixellated sword" . "whacks %s repeatedly")
    ("Ballmertron" . "chairminates")
    ("silenced pistol" . "grabs and double taps")
    ("hammer" . "thors")
    ("mom" . "grounds")
    ("/usr/bin/git" . "detaches %s's HEAD")
    ("Disney villain" . "executes a bizarre and error-prone plan against")
    ("broken bottle" . "mutilates")
    ("IRC bot" . "flames")
    ("[UNPRINTABLE]" . "[UNPRINTABLE]s")
    ("four horses" . "quarters")
    ("psychopath" . "brutally murders")
    ("sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads" . "fails to kill %s")
    ("troll" . "trolls")
    ("railgun" . "frags")
    ("snake launcher" . "boa constricts")
    ("e-meter" . "performs a walletectomy on")
    ("bzero" . "nullifies")
    ("ritual sacrifice kit" . "sacrifices %s to some pagan god with a beard")
    ("rolled-up newspaper" . "whacks %s on the nose")
    ("flame thrower" . "kills %s with fire")
    ("unit-testing framework" . "tests %s into submission")
    ("compiler" . "reduces %s to byte code")
    ("lynch mob" . "lynches")
    ("droning professor" . "destroys %s's will to live")
    ("anti-tank gun" . "obliterates")
    ("parser written in PHP" . "barfs all over")
    ("hipster" . "snubs")
    ("zombie horde" . "rips %s limb from limb")
    ("hand of slapping" . "slaps")
    ("philosopher" . "gives %s an existential crisis")
    ("captcha" . "questions %s's humanity")
    ("crossbow" . "shoots an apple off %s's head")
    ("sirens" . "lures %s to their watery doom")
    ("lisp machines" . "makes %s sound like a nostalgic kook")
    ("global interpreter lock" . "stalls %s")
    ("gatling gun" . "guns down")
    ("gatling gnu" . "gnus down")
    ("GPL" . "infects")
    ("qi" . "hadoukens")
    ("fire flower" . "shoots fireballs at")
    ("banana peel" . "trips up")
    ("OED" . "pedantically defines the heck out of")
    ("object of some sort" . "uses it to attack %s in a manner appropriate to that type of object")
    ("erbot" . ",shoots")
    ("IRC client" . "wastes the rest of %s's day")
    ("Death Note" . "writes %s's name in")
    ("plank" . "makes %s walk off it")
    ("fanfic" . "burns %s's eyes out")
    ("slashfic" . "pairs %s with Jabba the Hutt")
    ("prude" . "censors")
    ("Elnode" . "serves")
    ("record player" . "funkifies")
    ("pedant" . "bores %s to death")
    ("LA studio" . "showers %s with cash and valuable prizes")
    ("neural lace" . "wires %s up to the console as a shell")
    ("slamhound" . "hunts down and blows up")
    ("xterm" . "kill -9s")
    ("priest" . "condemns %s to hell")
    (".44 magnum" . "blows %s's head clean off")
    ("typing system" . "coerces")
    ("proxy" . "anonymously vandalises %s's Wikipedia page")
    ("Fox executive" . "arrests %s development")
    ("swarm of clueless noobs" . "plagues %s with silly questions")
    ("IED packed with cutlery" . "fork bombs")
    ("github" . "fork bombs")
    ("voodoo doll" . "remotely tortures")
    ("witch doctor" . "shrinks %s's head")
    ("railgun" . "pod-kills")
    ("legumbre" . "defadvices")
    ("salty ad hominem" . "seasons")
    ("ESR kernel patches" . "sends %s -SIGSAUER")
    ("earworm" . "infiltrates %s's auditory center")
    ("GNU HURD" . "is unable to run")
    ("GNU Image Manipulation Program" . "shops hookers and blow into a picture of")
    ("C string" . "null terminates")
    ("rump trumpet" . "plays a concerto for")
    ("obscure reference" . "smugly smiles at %s's confusion")
    ("blackboard eraser" . "lobs it at")
    ("spanish inquisition" . "gives %s 30 days notice for their heresy trial")
    ("trebuchet" . "flings a dead horse at")
    ("oil money" . "buries %s with pseudoscience")
    ("json encoder" . "uses %s for evil")
    ("Jack Nicholson" . "leers creepily at")
    ("./configure" . "checks %s for Fortran 77")
    ("baseball bat" . "hits %s out of the park")
    ("4chan" . "drops dox on")
    ("goldplated cable" . "plugs %s into a tube amplifier")
    ("feces" . "flings it at")
    ("laundry line" . "hangs %s out to dry")
    ("banana" . "bashes")
    ("lead pipe" . "frames %s for killing Dr. Black in the Library")
    ("recycling plant" . "recycles")
    ("CRT monitor" . "slowly gives %s radiation poisoning")
    ("warehouse full of IBM XTs equipped with 300 baud modems" . "MS-DDoSes")
    ("erlang" . "hotswaps in a newer, more concurrent version of")
    ("Smalltalk image and changes files" . "serialises %s into a pile of inseparable, partially binary objects")
    ("wordy, obscure, and surreal piece of prose" . "turns %s into a non-pipe")
    ("気". "波動拳s")
    ("bottle of water" . "sprays")
    ("holy hand grenade of antioch" . "counts to five, no three, and then throws at")
    ("hungry hungry hippo" . "gulps down")
    ("identity function" . "returns %s untouched")
    ("cookie jar" . "hands %s the biggest one")
    ("denotational semantics" . "transforms the world")
    ("teacher qualifications" . "flunks")
    ("T_PAAMAYIM_NEKUDOTAYIM" . "resolves %s's scope")
    ("sledgehammer" . "knocks down %s's load-bearing limbs")
    ("oven" . "bakes a cake for")
    ("microscopic flesh-eating hamster" . "hides it somewhere in %s's favourite sweater")
    ("experimental cocktail of drugs" . "injects into")
    ("whip" . "flogs")
    ("UML Diagramming Tool" . "specifies the heck out of %s")
    ("DOSEMU botnet" . "FreeDDOSes")
    ("Roman Army officers and/or FFT implementation" . "decimates")
    ("gpg" . "elliptically encrypts %s")
    ("holy water" . "exorcises the demons from")
    ("a shoe box" . "saves %s for a rainy day")
    ("tattooist" . "tattoos \"VIM\" in a heart on %s's arm")
    ("wooden shoe" . "throws it into %s's gears")
    ("magician" . "saws %s in half")
    ("scare quotes" . "“shoots”")
    ("social media 2.0 site" . "unfriends")
    ("cable TV" . "subjects %s to hours of Disney sitcoms")
    ("R" . "reveals %s to be statistically insignificant")
    ("oven" . "bakes %s into a cake")
    ("stake" . "burns")
    ("steak" . "asks %s how they would like it cooked")
    ("not very funny firearm" . "does something slightly silly, but ultimately unamusing to")
    ("scotsman" . "burns %s's supper")
    ("pope" . "excommunicates")
    ("guillotine" . "beheads")
    ("k-pop" . "blasts")
    ("surround-sound system" . "shatters %s's skull with soundwaves")
    ("sicario and/or git client" . "detaches %s's HEAD")
    ("augean stables" . "hands %s a mop and bucket")
    ("baboonzooka" . "shows %s its buttocks while launching projectiles over its shoulder")
    ("slashdotfic" . "pairs %s with CmdrTaco and plenty of hot grits")
    ("gfdl" . "makes all %s worst features invariant")
    ("dual" . "coshoots co%s")
    ("royal canadian mountie" . "foils %s again")
    ("“Li'l Bastard” Identity Theft Kit" . "masquerades as")
    ("stephen colbert" . "roasts")
    ("carpet" . "rolls %s up in it and dumps them off the pier")
    ("giant mirror array" . "burns %s from afar")
    ("cps-transform" . "delimits %s's continuation")
    ("J.J. Abrams series" . "leaves %s hanging indefinitely")
    ("subprime mortgage" . "clogs %s's equity of redemption")
    ("questionable first date" . "makes %s watch Police Academy 14")
    ("MS-DOS disk error" . "Aborts, Retries, and Fails")
    ("lennart poettering" . "reinvents %s in a better/worse way")
    ("incriminating photographs" . "blackmails")
    ("Dirty Harry" . "with a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, blows the head clean off of")
    ("Neal Stephenson" . "drops a cinder block of a tome on")
    ("Evgeny Morozov" . "mocks %s as a naive technological solutionist")
    ("phaser" . "stuns")
    ("formal grammar" . "frees %s's context")
    ("TSA agent" . "subjects %s to an excessively thorough body cavity search")
    ("closure" . "closes over %s and whispers sweet nothings via lexical bindings")
    ("data flow analysis" . "eliminates %s as useless")
    ("Jacquard loom" . "compiles %s from punchcards into fabric")
    ("pack of women with fake beards" . "stones")
    ("1/8th of weed" . "stones")
    ("12 pack of andrex double quilted" . "TPs %'s house")
    ("poison" . "poisons")
    ("poisson" . "determines the likelihood of %s being killed by a horse kick")
    ("maintainer" . "closes %s's bug report as WONTFIX")
    ("window" . "defenestrates")
    ("toll-free support line" . "puts %s on hold")
    ("school teacher" . "flunks")
    ("vorpal blade" . "snicker snacks")
    ("La Marzocco" . "pulls a shot at")
    ("potato knife" . "peels")
    ("grater" . "zests")
    ("tvtropes" . "steals an hour of %s's life")
    ("bouquet" . "showers %s with rose petals")
    ("bag of porridge" . "suffocates")
    ("tali713" . "pcases")
    ("chainsaw" . "performs a root canal on")
    ("youtube url" . "rickrolls")
    ("/ignore" . "plonks")
    ("men dressed as ghosts" . "burns a t for \"time to go\" in %s's lawn")
    ("Hotel California" . "makes a reservation for")
    ("schoolmaster" . "canes")
    ("black knight" . "impales")
    ("deep fryer" . "dunks %s until they're golden brown")
    ("lich mob" . "enthralls")
    ("mail loop" . "DoSes %s's mail spool")
    ("bureaucrat" . "makes %s fill out paperwork to register their autoloads")
    ("socat" . "transparently proxies")
    ("peat bog" . "mummifies")
    ("MacBook" . "promiscuously announces its presence to %s over mdns")
    ("firing squid" . "inks")
    ("privy council" . "bestows upon %s a letter-patent")
    ("UUCP mailserver" . "sends %s a flame from jordanb")
    ("Myers-Briggs Type Indicator" . "reduces %s to a four-letter type")
    ("special forces team" . "plays Celine Dion albums to break %s's will to resist")
    ("ICBF silo" . "doesn't give a fuck about")
    ("turgid member" . "gives %s a wet slap.")
    ("secretary bird" . "stomps and kicks %s to a pulp")
    ("virtual mirror neuron" . "determines that %s is not a cat")
    ("roguelike" . "gives %s a useful but inconvenient vestigial tail")
    ("fizzbuzz" . "disqualifies as a programmer")
    ("haggis and neeps and tatties marched ceremoniously behind a bagpiper" . "invites %s to a Robert Burns Supper")))

(defun circe-shoot-construct-message (nick)
  (let* ((random-item (nth (random (length circe-shoot-firearms))
                           circe-shoot-firearms))
         (firearm (car random-item))
         (action (cdr random-item)))
    (if (string-match-p "%s" action)
        (format "/me loads his %s and %s" firearm (format action nick))
      (format "/me loads his %s and %s %s" firearm action nick))))

(defun circe-command-SHOOT (nick)
  (circe-command-ME (circe-shoot-construct-message nick)))