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\documentclass{article} | |
\title{This Mug Exaggerates My Grandfathering Skills To An Embarrassing Degree} | |
\author{Herman Fraser} | |
\date{1/31/01 3:00pm} | |
\begin{document} | |
\maketitle | |
COMMENTARY | |
My word. I still can't believe I was even nominated. | |
When I woke up Sunday morning, I never imagined that later that day, | |
I'd be named World's Greatest Grandpa. I didn't even know there was | |
such an award. But there it was, written on the mug I got from my | |
grandson Josh. I just don't know what to say. | |
To be honest, I came very close to declining the award outright. How | |
could I accept such a title when there are so many other deserving | |
grandpas out there? What did I do to distinguish myself from them? | |
I mean, look at Ralph Fincher, just across town. He's got 16 grandkids | |
in three states, and he never forgets a birthday. He knows each | |
grandchild's favorite candy and always has a bedtime story at the | |
ready. Just to be mentioned in the same breath as a grandpa like that | |
is an honor. I've only got the one grandkid, and here I am being | |
lauded as some sort of world champion in the field? I'm speechless. | |
And Charlie Quinn, over in Parkhurst! His daughter is raising her kids | |
without a husband, so Grandpa Charlie picks them up from school every | |
day with a big smile on his face. And, oh, how those grandkids squeal | |
with delight when he plays the ``got your nose'' game with them! (A | |
game I never play with my grandkid.) I hope Charlie at least got some | |
special consolation award, seeing how he got snubbed for the big | |
enchilada. | |
I mean, sure, I took Josh to the zoo once, but that's standard-issue | |
grandfathering. Telling a wide-eyed 8-year-old that the South American | |
capybara is the world's largest rodent hardly makes one a world-class | |
grandpa, does it? I just read it off the sign on the cage. | |
Could I really have won the World's Greatest Grandpa award? Is this | |
really happening? I feel like at any moment, someone's going to wake | |
me from my afternoon nap and tell me it was all just a dream. I've | |
searched every inch of that mug five times over looking for some | |
qualifier, like, ``World's Greatest Grandpa--Waupaca County Region,'' | |
but no dice. | |
I can't help but wonder, who were the judges in charge of making this | |
decision? And what criteria did they use? Were ballots mailed out? | |
According to the inscription on the bottom, it was awarded by | |
Continental Novelties, Inc. I guess that must be like the Motion | |
Picture Academy for grandpas or something. | |
And since the award is ``World's Greatest Grandpa,'' and not | |
``America's Greatest Grandpa,'' am I safe to assume I was up against | |
European and Asian grandpas, as well? Because I'm sure there are some | |
pretty terrific grandpas in Burma. | |
There are so many people to thank. First and foremost, my supportive | |
wife Connie. She's the one who bakes the chocolate-chip cookies when | |
Josh is here and reads him stories. I certainly can't accept this | |
honor without acknowledging her tireless efforts. Connie, this is | |
yours as much as mine. Whenever the World's Greatest Grandma award is | |
announced, my money's on you all the way. | |
My daughter Justine and her husband Paul should get some credit, too. | |
If they didn't bring little Joshy around once a month, I never | |
would've had the chance to hone my grandfathering skills. Justine and | |
Paul, thanks for this opportunity of a lifetime. | |
And, quite frankly, Josh must share this award with me. Without him, I | |
wouldn't even be a grandpa, much less the world's greatest. If I am | |
number one, Josh, you are the one who makes it easy. Kudos, champ. | |
This really hasn't sunk in yet. It all seems strange and dreamlike. | |
Like I'm out of my body looking down on some other, far greater | |
grandpa. There's no way I could ever look at this mug and think, | |
``Yes, that's me. That's the award I earned.'' | |
I'm certainly at a loss for where to display this thing. I could never | |
drink out of it, that's for sure. This needs to go someplace befitting | |
of an award this prestigious. I guess I could have some kind of | |
cabinet or display case constructed for it. | |
My God, what if there's a formal ceremony later and they expect me to | |
make a speech? I don't even have a nice suit. Are there some grounds | |
on which I could just decline the award, like when Brando protested | |
the plight of the Indians at the Oscars? But what would I protest? | |
Maybe those new toilets that use less water. Those really frost my | |
shorts. | |
Wait a second, what am I saying? This is not the sort of thing I | |
should be trying to get out of. As the World's Greatest Grandpa, | |
millions of grandpas around the globe will look to me as the | |
embodiment of grandfathering. I have an obligation to uphold the | |
responsibilities that come with such a title. | |
Besides, when Morrie and I get into one of our scraps about what's | |
wrong with today's kids, and he gives me some guff, I can always whip | |
the mug out and shut him up good. | |
\end{document} |
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