grandpa.tex

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\title{This Mug Exaggerates My Grandfathering Skills To An Embarrassing Degree}
\author{Herman Fraser}
\date{1/31/01 3:00pm}
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COMMENTARY

My word. I still can't believe I was even nominated.

When I woke up Sunday morning, I never imagined that later that day,
I'd be named World's Greatest Grandpa. I didn't even know there was
such an award. But there it was, written on the mug I got from my
grandson Josh. I just don't know what to say.

To be honest, I came very close to declining the award outright. How
could I accept such a title when there are so many other deserving
grandpas out there? What did I do to distinguish myself from them?

I mean, look at Ralph Fincher, just across town. He's got 16 grandkids
in three states, and he never forgets a birthday. He knows each
grandchild's favorite candy and always has a bedtime story at the
ready. Just to be mentioned in the same breath as a grandpa like that
is an honor. I've only got the one grandkid, and here I am being
lauded as some sort of world champion in the field? I'm speechless.

And Charlie Quinn, over in Parkhurst! His daughter is raising her kids
without a husband, so Grandpa Charlie picks them up from school every
day with a big smile on his face. And, oh, how those grandkids squeal
with delight when he plays the ``got your nose'' game with them! (A
game I never play with my grandkid.) I hope Charlie at least got some
special consolation award, seeing how he got snubbed for the big
enchilada.

I mean, sure, I took Josh to the zoo once, but that's standard-issue
grandfathering. Telling a wide-eyed 8-year-old that the South American
capybara is the world's largest rodent hardly makes one a world-class
grandpa, does it? I just read it off the sign on the cage.

Could I really have won the World's Greatest Grandpa award? Is this
really happening? I feel like at any moment, someone's going to wake
me from my afternoon nap and tell me it was all just a dream. I've
searched every inch of that mug five times over looking for some
qualifier, like, ``World's Greatest Grandpa--Waupaca County Region,''
but no dice.

I can't help but wonder, who were the judges in charge of making this
decision? And what criteria did they use? Were ballots mailed out?
According to the inscription on the bottom, it was awarded by
Continental Novelties, Inc. I guess that must be like the Motion
Picture Academy for grandpas or something.

And since the award is ``World's Greatest Grandpa,'' and not
``America's Greatest Grandpa,'' am I safe to assume I was up against
European and Asian grandpas, as well? Because I'm sure there are some
pretty terrific grandpas in Burma.

There are so many people to thank. First and foremost, my supportive
wife Connie. She's the one who bakes the chocolate-chip cookies when
Josh is here and reads him stories. I certainly can't accept this
honor without acknowledging her tireless efforts. Connie, this is
yours as much as mine. Whenever the World's Greatest Grandma award is
announced, my money's on you all the way.

My daughter Justine and her husband Paul should get some credit, too.
If they didn't bring little Joshy around once a month, I never
would've had the chance to hone my grandfathering skills. Justine and
Paul, thanks for this opportunity of a lifetime.

And, quite frankly, Josh must share this award with me. Without him, I
wouldn't even be a grandpa, much less the world's greatest. If I am
number one, Josh, you are the one who makes it easy. Kudos, champ.

This really hasn't sunk in yet. It all seems strange and dreamlike.
Like I'm out of my body looking down on some other, far greater
grandpa. There's no way I could ever look at this mug and think,
``Yes, that's me. That's the award I earned.''

I'm certainly at a loss for where to display this thing. I could never
drink out of it, that's for sure. This needs to go someplace befitting
of an award this prestigious. I guess I could have some kind of
cabinet or display case constructed for it.

My God, what if there's a formal ceremony later and they expect me to
make a speech? I don't even have a nice suit. Are there some grounds
on which I could just decline the award, like when Brando protested
the plight of the Indians at the Oscars? But what would I protest?
Maybe those new toilets that use less water. Those really frost my
shorts.

Wait a second, what am I saying? This is not the sort of thing I
should be trying to get out of. As the World's Greatest Grandpa,
millions of grandpas around the globe will look to me as the
embodiment of grandfathering. I have an obligation to uphold the
responsibilities that come with such a title.

Besides, when Morrie and I get into one of our scraps about what's
wrong with today's kids, and he gives me some guff, I can always whip
the mug out and shut him up good.

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