Take I-30 eastbound to Exit 52 or 59. Go left for about forty miles. Now make a left and you should see a man sellling newspapers on the south corner. Don't be alarmed if he's not there, though; sometimes a different guy fills in for him. Continue on Comstock for 3.2 miles, and when it hits Towerview (Road or Place--I forget which, but no matter, because those two streets are /not/ parallel), make a full ninety-degree turn at my friend Patty Ann's place. (Be careful, because the sign really jumps out at you.) Continue for about eighty or ninety minutes until you see a gravel road (if you see a stop sign that is slightly lighter than the usual hue you've gone about seventy miles too far). Turn left onto the access road (it'll look like you're heading off a cliff), then drive a considerable distance forward and take I-80 West (Scranton) to Exit 65B/I-195 South (Vancouver). You idiot! Make a narrow right and you'll see a rectangular building looming at the end of a cul-de-sac. This is not what you think it is. Get back in your car. Continue on Comstock for 3.2 miles, then make a left turn right before the cul-de-sac and drive fast (fast!) three-eights of the way around the traffic circle and over to the guy selling hot dogs. Don't pay attention to anything that guy says. Now drive fifty (60) miles uphill, and you'll see a large hill with a landmark on it. You will see a second hill next to that one. You will stay in the left lane as you enter Briarcliff Road. You will pick up my dry cleaning at the corner of Ames Street and Briarcliff. You will ask them if they used any starch.
You are now in Fargo, North Dakota. Continue on Comstock for 3.2 miles and make a(n illegal) U-turn, so that you're facing away from Fargo--you've gone about two hundred miles out of your way--and make a sharp, sharp left (or east) turn onto Woodlawn (not the same Woodlawn you were on twenty miles ago; you'll be back on that later). Then swerve into the nearby parking garage and drive all the way in. /Gotcha!/ Now back out of the parking garage and make a K-turn so that you're having to cut the steering wheel a bunch of times. Continue on Comstock for 3.2 miles. Now make another full, sharp, deep turn, and keep turning, until you see a junkyard. You'll want to stay in the middle lane. Don't. Get out of your car and go into the junkyard. (Be careful, because the raccoons there really jump out at you.) Now wait twenty minutes (when you're there, you'll know why), and now (now!) run, run back to your car, if it's still there.
Oh, I just remembered: I need for you to pick me up some things from this hardware store in Vancouver. It's on Comstock. You could just reverse the earlier part of these directions, thought if I were you, I'd wing it. Grab me 128 one-inch nails (galvanized!). Now make a diagonal left, and then a blind left-right, and then a final, careening left, until your car is spinning, spinning, spinning 360 degrees. /Stay in the left lane!/ Come out of your spin to make a blunt turn onto Builkington, who scammed me on some light fixtures. Continue off Bulkington south onto Bulkington Road (how the mighty have fallen) and immediately cut the wheel left so that you are driving onto the railroad tracks (see attached "Directions by Train"). If you miss that turn, right a left and drive for maybe a gazillion miles until you see a sign for the side of the road. Take the sign four blocks to East Transit Street, and chuck it onto the lawn of 745.
Now head south (downhill, I mean--sometimes I use "south" when I mean downhill) for 3.2 miles, and continue on Comstock, and watch for signs for the University of Florida. Can't find any? Welcome to Maine! Turn your head left and make an immediate, harrowing right onto Look Out! Terrace. You can't miss it. Mine is the twenty-seventh house from the dead end. Walk calmly toward my front entrance and slow down to a crawl. That's me running at you with the broom.
Estimated total driving distance: 5,007 miles (3.2 miles as the crow flies).