PissOff: a valid, polite and useful alternative to the `void` return type in PHP

.gitignore

vendor
composer.lock

composer.json

{
    "autoload": {
        "classmap": [
            "PissOff.php"
        ]
    }
}

piss-off-is-awesome.php

<?php

declare(strict_types=1);

namespace MyStuff;

require_once __DIR__ . '/vendor/autoload.php';

function fortunately_you_can_tell_your_users_to_piss_off() : PissOff {
    return PissOff::wanker();
};

var_dump(fortunately_you_can_tell_your_users_to_piss_off()->i_told_you_to_piss_off);

PissOff.php

<?php

declare(strict_types=1);

namespace MyStuff;

final class PissOff
{
    /**
     * @var \LogicException
     */
    private $pissOff;

    public static function __callStatic(string $method, array $args)
    {
        throw new \LogicException('You are not supposed to interact with this object: piss off.');
    }

    private function __construct()
    {
        $this->pissOff = new \LogicException('You are not supposed to interact with this object: piss off.');
    }

    public static function wanker() : self
    {
        return new self();
    }

    public function __call(string $method, array $args)
    {
        throw $this->pissOff;
    }

    public function __get(string $name)
    {
        throw $this->pissOff;
    }

    public function __set(string $name, $value)
    {
        throw $this->pissOff;
    }

    public function __isset(string $name)
    {
        throw $this->pissOff;
    }

    public function __unset(string $name)
    {
        throw $this->pissOff;
    }

    private function __wakeup()
    {
    }

    private function __sleep()
    {
    }

    private function __clone()
    {
    }
}

void-sucks.php

<?php

declare(strict_types=1);

namespace MyStuff;

require_once __DIR__ . '/vendor/autoload.php';

function doesnt_it_suck_that_php_has_no_void_return_type() {
};

var_dump(doesnt_it_suck_that_php_has_no_void_return_type()->yeah_it_sucks);

@emacstheviking

You need to add --no-preserve-root

This version won't even let you assign it to a variable (made it really fast and it's just a joke):

<?php

class Untouchable {
    private static $count;
    private static $register = [];
    private $id;

    public static function create()
    {
        return new self(self::$count++);
    }
    public static function check()
    {
        echo 'Checking...'.PHP_EOL;
        if (count(self::$register)) {
            throw new Exception('Can\'t touch this');
        }
    }
    private function __construct($id)
    {
        $this->id = $id;
        self::$register[$this->id] = true;
    }
    public function __destruct()
    {
        echo 'I was destroyed: '.$this->id.PHP_EOL;
        unset(self::$register[$this->id]);
    }
}

declare(ticks=1);
register_tick_function([Untouchable::class, 'check']);

function foo(): Untouchable {
    return Untouchable::create();
}

foo();
$a = foo(); // Cant touch this
echo 'end of script'.PHP_EOL;

@Ocramius he he tends to one from django/django#2692

Ocramius for President 2016

@jp7carlos that is AWESOME!

You have code duplication on lines 16 and 21. I honestly expected better.

This just made my day!

lol, oh you guys