Fortune-cookie file with quotes from Whateley Academy and it's fan forum

fortunes-whateley

Glitter is the herpes of arts and crafts. It gets everywhere, and it never goes away.
 - Arcanist Lupus
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"Trev, I empathize and all that, but in all honesty, I can’t recommend that you do anything with Jobe."
"You think that he’d try to cheat me and screw me over?"
"No, I think that he would screw you over in complete honesty and sincerity." 
- Phase and She-Beast, "Afternoon Tea with the Devil's Daughter", Whateley Academy series
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"Now, let me clue you in on something about bad boys. Most bad boys aren’t a project, honey; they’re not fixer-uppers. They won’t fall for the right girl and mystically be cured of their faults while keeping that cool edginess. And, sadly, most of them need a cop with a gun and the threat of a jail sentence hanging over their heads to wake up and figure out which way the world spins."
-- Mr. Donner, to Loophole, Whateley Academy series
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“I look like this, I teach magic, and I have a black cat for a familiar. There are times, Miss Goodkind, when you either laugh with the joke, or set yourself up to be laughed at.”
 - Professor Elyzia Grimes, Whateley Academy series
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"After Champion-3 died, Champ-4 turned out to be a decent kid, he saved Dad’s life once, and well, GizDad just didn’t have the heart to keep up the feud.”
“Yes, well, you never really get over your first Nemesis,” Kate allowed.
“Don’t worry, Kate,” I patted her hand. “Someday, that special hero will come along, someone you can really HATE.” 
- Jobe Wilkins, Nacht, and She-Beast, "Saks and Violence", Whateley Academy series
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"Yes, Karedonia has bars that cater to minions, where after long months of ruthless fighting with superheroes, police, security guards, and whatever insanity their boss has cooked up, supervillain minions can blow off steam -  by fighting the minions of other supervillains. Mom says that it’s all part of the minion headspace, go figure."
- Dragonblade, "The Road to Whateley", Whateley Academy series
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"These [electricity-proof full-body condom] suits are also available in the appropriate size for household pets and equine companions, though like many things in the porn industry it’s best not to think why." 
- "Sara's Little Purple Book", Whateley Academy series
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"Villains, they always want to talk you to death."
- Wallflower, "The Transfer Students", Whateley Academy series
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"Of course!" - Ayla Goodkind
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"If there’s one thing this campus doesn’t need, it’s another cat-girl!"
- She-Beast, to Jobe, "The Bad Seeds", Whateley Academy series
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"I’ve spoken with the Imperial Parental Unit over a secured video link. He knows all about this, and he’s given me his word that he’ll stand right behind me."
"Isn’t standing right behind someone the perfect place to stab them in the back?"
- Jobe and Nacht, "Saks and Violence", Whateley Academy series
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"I don’t see it as playing superhero. I don’t want to be one of the spandex set. I just... I need to help people. It’s my upbringing.Goodkinds are raised to think about how their actions affect others. We’re raised to... well... if we were royalty, it would be called 'noblesse oblige'. We run a large portion of the planet, and we know that people depend on us. We have an obligation to help those people. Just because it’s inconvenient, or difficult, or something we’d rather avoid, doesn’t mean we shouldn’t do it. I can’t look at something like those monstersand just say ‘oh let someone else get it’. That’s not how I was raised.”
- Phase (Ayla Goodkind), Whateley Academy series
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I didn't mention that I was putting together a small emergency packet I was going to keep at the bottom of one utility belt pocket, just in case Ayla Goodkind couldn’t put in an appearance. A couple fake IDs and matching credit cards. A couple saleable diamonds, a couple valuable but not ultra-rare stamps, and a couple limited edition proof Krugerrands, just in case I needed the ready cash. It would be better to have the packet on hand and never need it, than to need something like that and not have it.
- Phase (Ayla Goodkind), Whateley Academy series
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"Superman never takes karate, ya know, he just punches people. Or... hits 'em with trucks! Hey, can you hit guys with trucks in karate class? 'Cause that would be my special move. The guy goes hi-ya! And I go 'TRUCK!' And the match is over."
- Crimson Comet!!!, Whateley Academy series
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"Remember when we were teasing Ayla and we said someday someone would piss her off and she’d make a few phone calls, and suddenly the entire planet’s economy would strike back? Not so funny right now."
- Fey, "Ayla and the Great Shoulder Angel Conspiracy", Whateley Academy series
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"Why does every woman have to rip my penis off?"
- Jobe Wilkins, "The Second Book of Jobe", Whateley Academy series
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"And then, once I was charged into my clothes, I was a lot calmer than me, so -"
- Generator (Jade Sinclair), Whateley Academy series
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“The lab coat is the modern equivalent to a robe of royal purple. It separates the intellectual haves from the have-nots.” 
- Jobe Wilkins, Whateley Academy series
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"Exemplars often feel sexual stimulus more keenly than others. If a norm feels the earth move, the Exemplar is at ground zero of the erupting volcano."
- "Sara's Little Purple Book", Whateley Academy series
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"Belphy was watching all of this, eyes glittering with Techno-Lust.  If she could have had sex with a weapons system, she’d be on her back with her panties around one ankle, waving in the breeze."
- She-Beast, regarding Belphoebe, "Saks and Violence", Whateley Academy series
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Billie said uncomfortably, "So the common denominator for all six of these [ecological disasters] isn’t Darrow, it's… Fey?"
Nikki threw her hands into the air and sobbed, "Oh Goddess! I’m the worst supervillain in the last two years!"
Hank muttered, "Man. What do you say to that?"
"We're number one?" tried Toni. 
- Tennyo, Fey, Lancer, and Chaka, Whateley Academy series
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"People keep assuming that precogs see everything and just dole out little teasing hints because they're asshats or something. Precogs are not like that (well, hardly ever). They see dozens or hundreds or thousands of freaky possibility things which may not even make any sense and may not be interpretable in any way... The trouble with precogs is that usually you get the 'mystical mumbo-jumbo' prophecy. 'The false friend is neither good nor kind.' Whah? How's that going to be helpful except perhaps after the fact?" 
- Diane Castle
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“I don’t know what it’s like to be you, or Sharisha, or even Toni,” I admitted. “There’s no way I could. Up until a month and a half ago, I never even thought about it. I spent my whole life being groomed to be… Well, something I can never do now. I had a couple weeks of living in someone’s basement and eating Hamburger Helper, and it just about killed me. So you’re just going to have to accept that I don’t know what it’s like to be you, just as you don’t know what it’s like to be me.”
— Alya Goodkind, 'Ayla and the late Trevor James Goodkind', Whateley Academy series
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Yes, I know, I know, it’s MY fault, I hired them… bargain basement villains, hired at the last minute… SO, this is why some supervillains are always screaming about being surrounded by incompetents.
— She-Beast (Jadis Diabolik), "Saks and Violence", Whateley Academy series
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Jade: Giggle Girl doesn't know the meaning of the word defeat!
Ayla: And she doesn't know the meaning of the word 'rationality' either!
Billie: Or the meaning of the word 'crayon'!
Jade: Giggle Girl does so know the meaning of the word crayon! It's the cute little pink thing I used to write 'No Fun Guy is a big poopyhead' all over your secret lair."
- whateley Academy series
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"Dear Gawd, when did I start thinking of JOBE as a friend, and not hazardous terrain to be avoided?"
— Jadis Diabolik, Whateley Academy series
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"The Great Old Ones wrote novels?"
"I doubt you’d appreciate them. Even if you learned the language and the writing didn’t drive you insane, they’re... well, they’re for a select audience."
- Chaka and Carmilla, Whateley Academy series
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"I think a measured response is in order, wouldn’t you say? Say, something on the order of Orbital Bombardment?"
- Dr. Diabolik, when discussing how to respond to a violation of school neutrality with Headmistress Carson, Whateley Academy series
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“M-SOC, Echo-Three-Romeo, call for fire. Fire mission Danger-Stupid! Lock my coordinates and fire for effect!”
- God's Messenger, on one of the Dragonslayers' less successful missions, as retold in "Parkour Jam Hooligans", Whateley Academy series
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"Now, I’ll admit that the Red Brotherhood doesn’t play nice. Hell, by the standards that the vast majority of the populace subscribes to, we’re evil as hell. BUT, we have the long-term good of the human race at heart. Selling kids to the Pit does NOT serve the greater good in any way, shape or form. There is shit even WE don’t put up with, and the Grand Hall of Sinister Wisdom is a textbook example of what we don’t put up with."
- Mephisto the Mentalist, "Razzle Dazzle", Whateley Academy series
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"I believe two men risking death together should at least be on a first-name basis."
- Sir Wallace Westmont, Whateley Academy series
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"Please! Vampire *princess*, at least."
- Generator (Jade Sinclair), "Christmas Elves", Whateley Academy series
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“Excuse me,” Harley cut in. “Exactly WHO are YOU?”
“Oh, I’m Foxfire. I’m here with Arachne.”
“And WHY are you here?”
“Hey, try and stop her,” Arachne muttered.
- Reach, Foxfire, and Arachne, "The Big Idea", Whateley Academy series
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“Remember that face, asshole. That boy you attacked without provocation just saved your miserable, arrogant life. You may think you’re some big hero, but you assaulted my children. I swear by all that is holy if you ever touch one of my students again I will end you. I won’t warn you, I won’t challenge you. I will kill you and run your precious lamp through a fucking hydraulic press. Do you understand me?”
- Range Instructor Erik Mahren, to The Lamplighter, "Parkour Jam Hooligans", Whateley Academy series
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"I'm dead, bitch, take my name off the fucking blotter. I’ll see your sorry ass in hell.”
- Erik Mahren's final message to his former commanding officer, Whateley Academy series
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"Some days it just doesn’t pay to chew through the leather straps."
- Erik Mahren, "Parkour Jam Hooligans", Whateley Academy series
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Life at Whateley taught many lessons not on the official curriculum. Chief among these was, of course, "don't forget to duck."
- "Quoth The Ninja, 'Nevermore!'", Whateley Academy series
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“I am not a nut-job! And the voice in my head agrees with me!”
- Generator (Jade Sinclair), Whateley Academy series
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"HELP! SQUIRRELS!! HELP! SOMEBODY HELP ME!"
- Buster, "Never Look a Gift Squirrel in the Mouth", Whateley Academy series
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Don't drick and drive.
- Whateley Academy aphorism
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“In the beginning, two hundred billion years ago, the universe was created in a massive explosion we call the Big Bang…”
“Skip a bit, Mr. Carlyle.”
- Razorback and Lady Astarte, "Secret of the Forger's List", 
Whateley Academy series
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“My son has another personality, and she hates me.”
- Ginormous, "A Glow in the Dark", Whateley Academy series
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“You were feeling buttercuppy?”
“YEAH!” Clover piped, “Buttercuppy! SEE? Buttercuppy IS a word!”
- "Three Little Witches", Whateley Academy series
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"Dude," she hissed at Long John, "I think it's safe to say that any of the straight girls here like me would happily take an x-rated, lesbian romp with Kayda before even kissing a cretin like you!"
- Whateley Academy series
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"Really?" Valerie continued, "Because what *I* just saw was a beautiful thing. I just saw my daughter help a mother touch her own daughter, something that she hasn't been able to do for months, it seems. I saw her reach out in kindness to a stranger in need. I saw her using her God-given gift to ease the suffering of others. I saw something beautiful. The fact that you didn't, says a lot more about YOU than it does about HER."
- Valerie Chandler to N'Dizi, "Parents' Day", Whateley Academy series
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“Hey!” Jobe blurted out, “I’d just been disowned and thrown in JAIL, and then kidnapped by a barely functional sub-moron! I was UPSET!”
“You were… UPSET…?” Mal looked at Jobe like she’d just pissed on the flag. “Did you just use the 'I was upset' excuse?”
Buzz shot straight up out of his chair. “This is a clear violation of The Guy Code!”
Charger was up on his feet and agreed, “Come! To the Man Cave! We must inform the Council of Elders of the International Fraternity of GUYS!”
- the formerly male Jobe being dissed by Techo-Devil, Buzzsaw, and Charger, Whateley Academy series
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“Jobe, Sweetie, you don’t honestly think that your father puts the GOOD STUFF where just anyone can get at it, now do you?”
- Empress Lorna, "Diamonds are a Vamp's Best Friend", Whateley Academy series
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"Voice of the Heavens, huh? I knew it, you ARE an idol singer!"
- Lapine, poking fun at Okami, Whateley Academy series
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“You know, She-Beast? I’m going to talk to Iron Star about rushing you for the Future Superheroes of America.”
“Why?”
“Because, to be honest, the idea of you on the other side scares the besnoogers out of me.”
- Gloriana to She-Beast, Whateley Academy series
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In the end reality is only consensual! It means that Al Gore is causing "Global Warming" by his rhetoric alone! Fortunately, there are enough Global Warming "Deniers" still about to keep him from boiling the planet.
- Dpragan
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"What do you intend to do?”
“Same thing I do every night Carson, try and find new and interesting ways to kill people more powerful than me.”
- Lady Astarte and Eldritch, "The Book of Darwin", Whateley Academy series
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“How the hell are you alive?”
“I’m a goddamned miracle in action, now kill that fucker!”
- Dr. Diabolik and Eldritch, "The Book of Darwin", Whateley Academy series
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“Can a spork actually be used as a deadly weapon?” Caitlin’s return question was entirely facetious. She’d seen Prison Bitch gouge out someone’s jugular vein with a spork once.
- Eldritch (Caitlin Bardue), "Call the Thunder", Whateley Academy series
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"I was trying to avoid combat, but this guy was talking about getting a plane and flying to Karedonia or some such, and I was going with him, and I didn’t want to and I was annoyed that I was topless, so I broke his wrist."
- Bladedancer, Whateley Academy series
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"Imagine that you’re in a boat and you see some fish in the water. You reach your hand into the water to grab one of the fish. From the fish’s point of view, this weird thing with a flat body and five tentacles and a weird thick tail that reaches out into nowhere, but no eyes, mouth or fins, just appeared in a shower of bubbles. It moves around in ways that have nothing to do with swishing its tail or moving fins in any way. Then this thing which shouldn’t beany stronger than the fish is, and has no eyes with which to see, wraps itself around one of the other fish, and suddenly that fishdisappears from the first fish’s plane of reference. The hand is utterly alien to the fish, and it operates in ways that would seemmagical to it, if fish had the brains to encompass the notion of magic. I think that your Headhunter is like that: it has much, but not all of the power of the demon at its disposal, and it has a perspective that most mortals can’t have, and it operates onvery different principles and motives."
- Nacht, regarding the demon BKCRMWDJVG, Whateley Academy series
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"Nikki, dear, try not to start the apocalypse. And Erik, Try not to provoke the apocalypse."
- Suzannah Haggarty, to Fey (Nkki Reilly) and Erik Mahren, Whateley Academy series
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Madcap blubbered, "But you can't rip ME off! I'm a Supervillain, like YOU!"
"What? You think that this is a Saturday morning cartoon?" he paused. "They DO still show cartoons on Saturday morning, don't they?" Madcap must whimpered back at him. Plunderlord winced and said, "Say something stupid or obnoxious."
"Why?"
"I feel like I'm stepping on a kitten."
"HEY!" Madcap snapped out of her terror, "FUCK YOU, y'old Creep!"
"Thank you, that'll do nicely for both."
- "Silver Linings 2", Whateley Academy series
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“Resident Evil, we’re here with your eviction notice!”
- Chaka, "The Boston Brawl", Whateley Acedemy series
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“Hey, I’ve seen that ass before!”
- at least three people, "The Boston Brawl", Whateley Acedemy series