Thinkpieces dot biz

gistfile1.js

(function() {
	zalgo( document.documentElement );

	function zalgo( node ) {
		for ( node = node.firstChild; node; node = node.nextSibling ) {
			if( node !== null && node.nodeType === 3 ) {
				getOffMyLawn( node );
			} else {
				zalgo( node );
			}
		}
	}

	function getOffMyLawn( youDamnKids ) {
		var t = youDamnKids.nodeValue;
		t = t.replace(/\bthe millennials\b/gi, "those damn kids");
		t = t.replace(/\bof millennials\b/gi, "of these damn kids");
		t = t.replace(/\bmillennials (don't|don’t)\b/g, "kids these days just don’t");
		t = t.replace(/\bthe problem with millennials\b/g, "don’t even get me started on kids these days");
		t = t.replace(/\bSelfie\b/g, "New-fangled camera-phone picture");
		t = t.replace(/\bselfie\b/g, "new-fangled camera-phone picture");
		t = t.replace(/\bSelfies\b/g, "New-fangled camera-phone pictures");
		t = t.replace(/\bselfies\b/g, "new-fangled camera-phone pictures");

		if( t.indexOf( "Millennials" ) === 0 ) {
			t = t.replace(/\bMillennials\b/g, "Kids these days");
		} else {
			t = t.replace(/\bmillennials\b/gi, "kids these days");
		}
		t = t.replace(/\bmillennial\b/gi, "dumb kid");

		youDamnKids.nodeValue = t;
	}

}());

This crummy little script makes “hurr bluhh the millennials blahh selfies” thinkpieces much more honest-sounding and equally obnoxious.

Kids these days might take a lot of new-fangled camera-phone pictures of themselves, but somehow that doesn’t seem as self-absorbed as an entire generation thinking they revolutionized “these damn kids” by giving it a catchy brand.