After far too long, the Washington Football Team might actually be on the brink of changing their name, mainly thanks to a series of hits on owner Dan Snyder's pocketbook. To be helpful, I put together a series of ideas for new names. Some of them aren't very practical, but pretty much anything is better than the current name.
There are actually bookies taking bets on potential names, some of which are awful. The Arlingtons? Why would anyone name their team after a nearby suburb? We are looking forward to playing the New York Hobokens, Boston Marbleheads and the Philadelphia Conshohockens. (Actually, those all sound pretty cool in an old-timey baseball kind of way.)
To start, you can think of things that unite all the residents of the DMV: the Commuters, Beltways, Single-Trackers, or the Broken Escalators. But team names are supposed to be inspiring and fun, not reminiscent of a painful trip to work, and the Washington Dulles People Movers is far too long. (Or considering the team's lack of success lately, maybe the D.C. Streetcars would be more fitting.)
Pop-culture properties might be another way to go. After all, the NHL had the Mighty Ducks named after the movie series, and the Toronto Raptors were named not because that's the first thing that comes to mind when you think of large Canadian cities (that would be Tim Horton's, Drake or poutine, obviously) but because Jurassic Park came out that year and dinosaurs were hot. No, really. Luckily, our fair city is blessed with movies, music, and more. The Washington, D.C. Cabs? The Veeps? You may have forgotten the Eddie Murphy movie, but the Distinguished Gentlemen would make a good team name. The Washington Enemies of the State sounds pretty bad-ass, too.
Or just things that we take for granted: The Interns, the Eighth Grade Field Trips, the Humidity, or the Type-As.
Another idea would be to go with local cultural references. The Red Pandas? The DC Free Museums has a nice ring to it. The Halfsmokes if you're going for cuisine, or maybe the Jumbo Slices or Dan's Cafe Squirt Bottles after the Adams Morgan, er, delicacies. The city also has one of the biggest theater scenes in the country: how about the Washington Dramaturgs? Kennedy Centers? Or, going for that pop-culture money again, the Washington Hamiltons.
On the musical side of things, you could do the Marvins, the Dukes for Duke Ellington, the Minor Threats, or the Washington D.C. Washingtons after the popular local national anthem singer. And from just across the river, the D.C. Discord. (Plus, that seems to fit our current political climate.) The Go-Gos would be fun, although that name is kind of already taken. Or considering their long affiliation with the team, maybe Eastern Motors could license their jingle. The DC Fords, Hondas, Chevys, Beamers? And Minivans?
You could look to our area's sporting tradition. The Bullets were renamed the Wizards, which didn't make any sense, so why not change the football team to the Washington Warlocks? We'd have two related names and all the alliteration you could allow. The Grays would be an interesting throwback too -- the historic Negro League team name was also one of the finalists for the team that became the Nationals, along with the Senators. (There's also the bizarre Sea Dogs that the Wiz almost became.)
On the political front, there are plenty of good options: The 51s, the Real People, the Disenfranchised, or the Statehoods. Or more symbolic names: The Monuments, Liberty, Statesmen, Constitutions, etc. You could talk about how hard working D.C. journalists uncovered scandals, but the name of Woodward and Bernstein's source probably wouldn't get past network TV censors. Or, you know, the Bowsers. After the Mario Bros. baddie, of course.
But considering the team has been known for terrible records and stupid decisions for decades, why not pick something that reflects that level of incompetence? We'd suggest the Daines, the Andy Harrises or the Chaffetzes. Or the Grahams. or Cottons. Or McConnells. Or the "When You Complain About the 'Idiots in Washington' You Are Actually Complaining About the Boobs You Elected to Send Here." Actually, there are far too many options in this category.
On a more serious front, there are some good ideas already out there. A few years ago, the Post had a convincing article suggesting the Washington Red Clouds, after a Sioux warrior and statesman. The Red Tails is another common suggestion, honoring the Tuskegee Airmen and hinting at the local hawk, too.
Or the Inaugurations, with the added bonus that you could make jokes comparing any home game to the crowd at Trump's ceremony.
But at this point, pretty much anything would be better than the current name. What do you think?