twopercent.txt

Two Percent

CP (Cara)
&y (Ampersandy)

&y is waiting in front of a run-down looking restaurant
in a shabby mall. 

CP rushes in.

CP
I made it!

&y
I'm surprised you could find the time.
Isn't there a job nearby you could be doing?

CP
I make time for fun!
This is going to be fun, right?

&y and CP look up at the Sunshine Cafe. Next to the cafe,
the overlay displays a 2% approval rating.

CP
Why would we come to a restaurant with a 2% rating?

&y
To have a bad time on purpose.
Trust me - it's more about the experience than about the food.

CP looks unconvinced.

---
CP and &y sit down at a ratty table.

CP
I'm surprised you invited me out. You're usually so... private?
We've been living in the same sleepstack for months and this
is the first time you've really wanted to hang out.

&y
I've heard a lot about this place and, honestly, I didn't want
to brave it alone. You're the only person in our stack who'd risk it.

CP
Risk what?

&y
You know, whatever earned this place the 2%.

A track runs along the ceiling and a dusty old waiter-bot rolls
out along it. It has сервисный робот written on it.

It parks in front of the ladies and displays a mangled
drink menu; then trills a glitchy tune.

CP
Cheese and circuits! This thing's an antique!

&y
See? Dinner and a history exhibit.

MANU

Bottomless Coffee     10C
TEA                   10C
Sprintz Up            10C
Cola Cola Cola        10C
Genuine Ale           30C
(the bottom half of the menu is unintelligible)

&y
Huh, I guess we have to keep our order to the top half of the
menu, then.

CP
Manu.

&y
Huh?

CP
It's not a menu - it's a manu. See?

&y
Oh. Manu.

CP
10 credits is not bad for a coffee.

&y
I'm going to have a Spritz Up.

CP boops buttons. The machine trundles off.

A chute pops out of the table.

CP
Ha! Mag tubes! Charming. So far, aside from the menu, this
place isn't so bad.

&y
Shouldn't the tube... have some sort of fence at the end...
to stop the drink?

* a Sprintz Up shoots out of the tube at high speed and
chunks heavily into the ceiling, then falls on the table
and rattles to the floor.

&y
Definitely seems like it should.

the waiter-bot trundles back with a pot of greyish coffee

the waiter bot places a cup-shaped amount of
nothing down in front of CP

CP
whoa whoa whoa

the waiter bot starts to pour coffee directly on to the table.

CP
augh!

&y
hee hee, this place isn't so bad.

CP
this is not funny

&y
this is a little bit funny

CP
at least the coffee is ice cold for some reason.

CP grabs some handfuls of napkins to soak up the coffee

---
BEGIN PHASE 2

CP
Let's... try to get some food.

MANU

Egga, Bacon & Toast     90C
Cheeseburger, Fries    150C
SOUP                    50C
Club Sandwich, Fries   110C
Hot                     90C
JAM N' CHEESE SNADWICH  50C
Potxto Panxaxe          50C
(the rest of the manu is unintelligible)

&y
Okay, before you order, I'm going to warn you -
based on the reviews, I can pretty much assure you
that their flat-top grill is broken, so avoid
anything that needs to be cooked unless you want
a big handful of uncooked protein.

CP
What about the Hot? What's that?

&y
I don't know.

CP
Sounds dangerous! Let's get it.

&y
Seems like we should give the Ham & Cheese sandwiches
and the soup a try? They seem like the only things we can see
on the menu that wouldn't involve any grilling.

&y
I certainly HOPE that they don't try to grill the soup.

CP
Let's dial it in!

(they boop the machine)

CP
So what's the deal with this restaurant?
How could they possibly turn a profit?

&y
They don't!
Legend has it, the owner disappeared mysteriously over
a decade ago, but the automatic systems maintaining
the restaurant just kept on keeping on. So long as their
bank account stays open, this place keeps on accepting
deliveries and serving food - but nobody is maintaining
any of it, so things just get...

CP
glitchier and glitchier.

&y
Exactly.

CP
So everybody who comes here has this same terrible experience?

&y
Nope! The terribleness is a little different every time!

CP
Huh. Huh.

---
BEGIN PHASE 3

CP taps her fork impatiently

CP
Considering how unlikely the food is to come out cooked,
this sure is taking a while.

&y
I'm sure our patience will be rewarded with real food and
not horrifying nonsense.

CP
Seriously, why did we come here.

&y
I want to try something out.

CP
Try what out?

&y
Okay, so, don't freak out; we're going to dine & dash.

CP
What? But that's stealing!

&y
From whom? The robots? The absent manager of this property?
And what are we stealing? Cold coffee served without a mug,
a dented can of Sprintz Up, and whatever horrifying meal
comes out of that kitchen.

CP
There's still a secure auto-pay system in place! We could get in a
lot of trouble.

&y
Yeah - one that's at least a decade old. It's an easy hack and I'm
certain that I can do it.

CP
You're implicating me in some pretty sketchy stuff, here. That's
kind of a shitty thing to do.

&y
You can leave right now if you like - but if you stay, you get to
find out what a "Hot" is.

CP
I think I will leave. You enjoy your law-breaking.

&y
Go, then.

CP storms off in a huff.

&y leans her head on her hand, frustrated

CP storms back in a huff

CP
Okay, I'm in. But only because it sounds super cool.

&y
I knew you wouldn't be able to resist.

(SHE DID NOT KNOW THIS, SHE WAS ACTUALLY VERY WORRIED)

The waiter-bot putters out with a large tray.

CP
I'm not one to say grace, but I feel like I'd like some kind of higher
power to maybe intervene in what's about to happen here.

CP inspects the food that's been delivered.
The soup is a bowl containing an entire can of soup.

&y
Okay, first things first, this soup is just a... can of soup.

CP
Oh, if the soup comes like that you should order as much as you can carry!
You're not going to pay, might as well stock up on some soup cans.

&y
Clever.

CP
Let's take a look at this Ham & Cheese.

CP holds up the sandwich, picking it apart a bit.

CP
The cheese seems fine, a cheddar of a recent vintage, but instead of
ham this sandwich appears to have... strawberry jelly?

&y
Jam. Look at the menu, it says "Jam & Cheese". That's what you got.
Jam & Cheese.

CP
I... I guess I thought it must have been a typo.

&y
Dare you to take a bite.

CP
I will accept that dare!

*monch*

*chew*

*thoughtful chew*

CP
That's.. not so bad. I'm not sure if I'd order it on purpose but
I think I'll probably eat a few more bites.

&y
That brings us to the Hot. What's this?

CP
Seems to be.. a bun, some kind of raw poultry protein puck, and a
brownish powder.

&y
Oh, maybe it's a gravy powder? I bet this was supposed to be a hot
turkey sandwich.

CP
Aha! The mystery is solved! It's too bad the mystery is
also completely inedible.

&y
Well, one out of three ain't bad. To jam & cheese?

CP
To jam & cheese.

They cheers their sandwiches together.

(SANDWICH BUMP)

----
PHASE 4

The bill, for a Hot, 2 Jam & Cheese sandwiches, a soup,
a coffee and a Sprintz Up.

&y
Are you ready?

&y flips open a little panel on the waiter-bot, revealing an access port.

&y pulls out a chunky thing and attaches it to the port.

&y
What we're doing here is we're simulating a successful payment transaction
using the debugging interface.

The bill boops and reads "PAID!".

&y
Yess! I did it!

The bill boops and reads "CRITICAL SYSTEM ERROR".

CP
Wuh oh.

The lights go out, leaving them both illuminated by the glow of
CP's tattoos.

&y
... okay, I have to admit, that could have gone better.

----
&y and CP are at the glass door to the restaurant.

&y
It's locked.

CP
We... could smash it.

&y
That's bound to bring unwelcome attention to our enterprise.

CP looks thoughtful.

CP
Let's go deeper into the belly of the beast and see if we can't find
a different way out.

&y