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@jcasimir
Created April 1, 2011 03:02
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<h1 class="heading safety">Safety Information</h1>
<p id="intro instructions">
The information below is <span class='important'>critical to survival</span> and you must read it right now. <em>Twice</em>.
</p>
<h2>Water Landings</h2>
<p>
In the event of a water landing, you seat cushion may be used as a floatation device. Despite the smell, we recommend you <em>put your little arms through the straps</em> and hang on for dear life. You might be in the <span class="ocean">ocean</span> for awhile. I'm not sure if you know this, but we don't have GPS and the plane's homing beacon was designed in the 70s, so you have a better chance that your spouse will spot you on the <span class='trademarked'>"Find my iPhone"</span> app than the Coast Guard via a rescue grid.
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<h2>Exit Procedure</h2>
<p>
If you're lucky enough to be seated in an <span class="upsell">exit row</span>, enjoy that awesome leg room. That is unless, of course, we don't land at an airport. In that case, everyone is relying on you to pull the handle and toss the 75-pound door out of the way. <span class='hidden'>We're confident that your Level 43 <span class='trademarked'>World of Warcraft</span> warrior, despite not helping you develop any actual muscle tone, has at least shown you how heavy things can be lifted.</span>
</p>
<h2>Electronic Devices</h2>
<p>
Please turn off and stow all <span class='danger'>electronic devices</span> before takeoff and until we've reached an altitude of 10,000 feet. Thankfully, as of this writing, no terrorist organization has yet learned that our airplanes are susceptible to attack via the electromagnetic interference of <span class='trademarked'>Angry Birds</span>. During this "Boredom Period," sponsored by <span class='promo'>SkyMall</span>, you can find the <span class='promo'>SkyMall</span> catalog in your seat back <span class='promo'>SkyMall</span>-pocket. In <span class='promo'>Skymall</span>, you'll find that the <span class='promo'>SkyMall</span> prices are guaranteed to be the same as regular prices and the normal mall (not as awesome as a <span class='promo'>Mall</span> in the <span class='promo'>Sky</span>!), as if anyone shops at malls anymore. <span class='promo'>SkyMall</span>.
</p>
<h2>Bathrooms</h2>
<p>
Please remain seated while the fasten seatbelt sign is illuminated. We hope you used the bathroom at the airport, <span class='threat'>but this sign ain't NEVER going off</span>. Yes, some people will just get up an go to the bathroom anyway. <span class='hidden'>But if <span class='guilty'>YOU</span> do it we'll be sure to <span class='threat'>shoot you nasty looks</span>, passive-aggressively <span class='guilty'>REMIND</span> you over the loud speaker that the seatbelt sign is illuminated, and possibly add you to the <span>WATCH LIST</span>.</span> Next time, consider adult diapers.
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