The ego is an idea of yourself rooted on the opinion of others. It is an identity that serves as a preliminary answer to the question: "Who am I?".
A lot of vital aspects of your life derive from this identity such as your purpose, goals, and dreams. Pretty much the reasons to wake up every morning. When your ego is questioned and jeopardized, the aforementioned aspects are also shaken, and it feels awful.
To cope with this condition people constantly look for ways to reinforce their ego, to confirm their identity, and this process is called validation.
Validation is the process of seeking approval of your own image.
Any activity that can provides us confirmation of our identity is considered a validation source. In fact, we lean more towards activities that will reinforce our ego, than to those that could harm it. For example:
- Uploading pictures of ourselves to get the recognition of others
- Sharing our opinion on social media to see people agree with them
- Attaching ourselves to people (usually partners) who love us and care for us
- Avoiding circumstances that might affect our image such as singing in public, or telling jokes (except if we are good at it)
Since most of things we do are influenced by the amount of validation they will provide us, we become validation junkies. But keeping our ego validated during our first stage of our lives is a must. Just like sugar, you need it, but you should keep it dosed as you find ways to decreasingly depend on it. Too much validation will make you arrogant, and too little will leave you unmotivated.
That means you DO need to likes, the followers, the emotional reciprocity, the loyalty of your partner, the attention of others, and the love of your family. Even if you didn't want it, you will need it, because your ego needs it.
To keep your ego nurtured and balanced at the same time, you can:
- Diversify your sources: Validation sources might become unavailable from time to time. Make sure you have several options such as: More than 1 group of friends, several skills, job opportunities, etc.
- Idolize no source: Some sources can provide more validation than others, such as when you feel more happy about your new partner than about your new job. That's ok, but make sure you keep them on check or the validation you crave out of them can get out of control. For example, when you put someone on a pedestal, or when you obsess over something you want to happen. To cope with this, you need keep the big picture in mind considering both, your sources' strengths and flaws.
- Avoid exposure: If you surround yourself of circumstances that encourage you to get validation, you will crave it more. For example: Social media, fame, being in the spotlight, etc. Reduce exposure to the minimum. Another example is when you go to the gym and focus solely on you.
- Remain present: We daydream when we are living in the past or the future, trying to recreate the validation we lost or the validation we lack. This is a downward spiral. Instead focus on the present and engage in activities that demand your full attention, such as sports.
- Accept yourself: The seek of validation is nothing else but the constant denial of our true selves. Acceptance is a way of giving up upon our ego, and letting our true selves be. Bringing you calmness and peace.
Another meaningful source of validation is yourself, through your pride
When you crave validation you will feel:
- Anxiety: When we are desperately trying to get it or not lose it
- Daydreaming: When you try to get it at least in your mind
- Withdrawal: When we refrain from trying to get it as a way to get it
- Unmotivation: When we don't get it in a long while
- Depression: When we lose hope to get it at all
But the ego can also bring positive emotions:
- Motivation: When we believe we are in control of the validation we need
- Confidence: When you know you will get the validation eventually
- Bliss: When you get the validation you craved
- Peace: When you feel like you don't need validation anymore
It is later, on a secondary stage of life, that the ego's imprecise nature becomes evident and the need for a reliable image manifest. Your will reach an inflection point where keeping your ego will no longer be sustainable, leaving you with no option other than letting go of the image you've built of yourself and finally embracing your true self. That's the reason some elders seem like they don't get mad about anything, because they have a better understanding of who they are, and no longer care about their egos.
Self-knowledge and self-acceptance are indispensable during this process.