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Notes from Non Violent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg

Foreword

Insprired by Gandhi

He told his grandson that violence is more than fighting, beating, killing & wars.

Made him split what he did into "Physcial" and "Passive". With a tree structure. Kept it up to date each day. Passive violence leads to psychical violence.

Words are Windows (or they're Walls)

Chapter 1: Giving From the Heart

Aka Compassionate Communication. We are normally compassionate, but are led astray by our interactions with the world.

NVC: A way of communicating that leads us to give from the heart.

Rather than automatic reactions, we base responses on awareness of what we are perceiving, feeling and wanting. While paying respectful and emphathic attention.

NVC replaces the common patterns of defending, withdrawing or attacking in the face of judgement or critcism.

The NVC Process

4 Components: Observations, Feelings, Needs, Requests

Observation is first: What is actually happening? What are people doing or saying this is/isnt enriching our lives. Trick is to do so without introducing judgement or evaluation. Simply say what people are doing that we like or don't like.

Feelings: State how we feel when we observe this action. Are we hurt, scred, joyful, amused, irriated?

Needs: Say what needs are connecting to the feelings we've identified.

Request: Very specific based on previous.

Example: Mother talking to son "Felix, when I see socks around the house I feel irratated because I am needing more order in the rooms we share. Would you be willing to put you socks in your room or in the washing machine?" Try to recieve the same four parts of NVC from others.

NVC: The concrete actions we observe that affect our well-being

How we feel in relation to what we observe

The needs, values, desires etc. That create our feelings.

The concrete actions we request in order to enrich our lives.

The essence of MVC is in our consciousness of the four components, not in the actual words that are exchanged.

Applying NVC in Our Lives and World

Using NVC (with a group or individual) makes you grounded in the our natural state of compassion.

It works in many circumstances. Inimate, Work, Young People, Disputes etc.

NVC in Action: In the West Bank, gets called a Murderer: Pattern -> Ask about an emotion (anger), is it because of this need. Emotion (furious) and request. Emotion (very desperate), Need (Understanding). Emotion (Understanding) Need (Healthy env for kids). Need (more US guys to see the real conditions).

Chapter 2: Communication That Blocks Compassion

Life-alienating communication is what contributes to us behaving violently to each other.

Moralistic Judgements

Judgements that imply wrongness or badness on people out of harmony with us. i.e. "you are too selfish", "she's lazy", "They're prejudiced".

"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I'll meet you there" Rumi

In the world of judgements our concern centres on "who is what"

Our attention is focused om classifying, analysing and determining levels of wrongfulness rather than on what we and others need and are not getting.

Analysis of other human beings are tragic expressions of our own needs and values. It's tragic because when we express in this way we increase defensiveness and resistance with the people who's behaviour affects us. Or they will comply out of fear,guilt or shame.

Eventually, we will bare the consequences of diminished goodwill from the people we do this to. The person will not want to emphasise with us if we continue this way.

Value judgements (how we should live life), when people don't meet these we make Moralistic judgements.

Instead of "Violence is bad. People who kill others are evil" you could say "I am fearful of the use of violence to resolve conflicts. I value the resolution of human conflicts through other means".

There is less violence in cultures that don't separate into bad and good groups.

US kids TV, 75% climax where a bad guy gets killed or beat up. Viewers are taught that bad guys deserve to be punished and take pleasure in watching this violence.

Making Comparisons

IF you want to make life miserable for yourself, compare yourself to other people.

Example is comparing to the ideal man or woman in body. Then your achievements compared in Mozart at age 12.

Denial of Responsibility

We are each responsible for our actions, thoughts and feelings.

We deny responsibility for our actions when we attribute their causes to factors outside ourselves: Our condition, the actions of others, authority, group pressure, gender roles, uncontrolled impuleses.

Teacher example: "I hate giving grades, they cause anxiety etc" instead "I choose to give grades, as I want to to keep my job"

Increased wars aren't caused by more war-mongers, they are incresed by docile, obedient men.

Others form of life-alienating communcation

Communicating desires as demands is a LAC, with the threat of punishment. Especially used by those in authority.

The concept of actions having rewards or punishments is a LAC. Expressed as "deserve".

People should change to see a benefit, not to avoid a punishment.

Education is based around enchancing LAC. It supports hierarchical and domination societies.

It encourages looking to external authorities for moral judgement of others. For what consitutues wrong, right and bad.

Chapter 3: Observing without Evaluating

Combining observation and evaluation decreases the likelihood that others will hear our intended message. They will hear criticism and resist whatever we are saying.

You can still evaluate, just keep it separate from observations. Observations are based on time and context.

Our languages is static which we use to express a changing environment.

Labels like "lazy" or "cook" limits our perception of the totaility of another persons being.

The Higest Form of Human Intelligence

Indian philospoher Krishnamurti called observing without evaluating the highest form of human intelligence.

Observe behaviour you don't like, and talk about that, rather than using labels like "you have a big mouth".

Distinguishing Observations from Evaluations

Separate an observation from an evaluation.

"You are too generous" -> "When I se you give away your lunch money. I think you are being too generous"

"Immigrants don't take care of their property" -> "I haven't seen this specific family shovel the snow on their sidewalk"

"Jim is ugly" -> "Jim's looks don't appeal to me"

"You are always busy" -> "I cannot recall you ever writing to me"

When used as exaggerations they often provoke defensiveness rather than compassion.

Some words can be confusing observations with evaluations: Frequently & Seldom:

"You seldom do what I want" -> "The last three times I suggested an activity..."

"He frequently comes over" -> "He comes over at least 3 times a week"

NVC in Action

Gets called Arrogant 30 mins into presentation. Doesn't defend or attack. Process: Guess observations (repeat) Get agreement on observation, then name the emotion (annoyed about not appearing vulnerable) and need, propose request (Would you like me to say I've had problems?). Then checks to see if he is ok with saying this, then does the request.

Exercise 1

From sentances say which are observations only.

My guesses: 2, 3, 7, 8 (wrong), 10 (wrong)

"My son often doesn't brush his teeth" <-- 'often' should be data

"My aunt complains when I talk to her" <-- "Complains" is an evaluation.

Chapter 4: Identifying and Expressing Feelings

A mature person can identify a range of emotions (passionate or sensitive), rather than being limited.

The Heavy Cost of Unexpressed Feelings

School system never asks how you feel, just considered with "the right way to think" as defined by those in authority.

Expressing vulnerability can help resolve conflicts.

Feelings versus Non-Feelings

We misuse the word 'feel' "I feel I didn't get a good deal" (should be i think).

Usually occurs with feel followed by 'that', 'like', 'as if'. These are really thoughts, not feelings.

Pronouns: I, you, h, she, they, it and referring to people: Amy, my boss.

Distinguish between what we feel and what we think we are.

Building a Vocabulary for Feelings

Rather than saying " I feel good/bad about this" use a more appropriate word that allows people to connect with you.

There is a massive list of words here for your needs being met or not met.

Exercise 2: Expressing Feelings

My guesses: 2, 3, 4 (wrong), 5 "When you bleh, I feel neglected" <- Neglected isn't a feeling

Chapter 5: Taking responsibility for our Feelings

The third component of NVC entials the acknowledgement of the root of our feelings.

What others say and do can be the stimulus for our feelings, but never the cause.

Our feelings are from how we choose to receive what others say and do, as well as from our particular needs and expectations in that moment.

Four options for how to recieve a negative message verbally or non verbally.

Given: "You're the most self centered person I've ever met"

Blame ourselves "Oh, I should've been more sensitive" Taking anger personally we accept the other persons judgement and blame ourselves to the cost of our self esteem. This leads to guilt, shame and depression.

Blame Others Fault the speaker. "You have no right to say that, you're the one who is self-centered". This way we feel anger.

Sense our own feelings and needs "When you say..., I feel hurt, I need recognition of my efforts to be considerate of your prefeneces". Shine light on our own feelings and needs

Sense others' feelings and needs Inverse of previous. " Are you feeling hurt because you need more consideration of your preferences".

Expressions of disappointment: Don't blame an action (you didn;t come over) instead show the own unfulfilled desire (I wanted to discuss...). Change "You disapponted me" to "I was disappointed when you".

Take ownership of emotions. Not "they irratated me", "I felt irratated because".

Connect feelings with need: I feel... because I need...

"I feel infuriated when spelling mistakes appear in our ads, because I want our company to project a professional image"

The Needs at the Roots of Feelings

Basic human needs, a bit like Maslov's hierarchy: Autonomy, Celebration. Integrity, Interdependence, Play, Spiritual Communion, Physcial Nurturance.

THe Pain of Expressing our needs VS The pain of not expressing our needs

Woman are often taught to ignore their own needs to take on a role of caretaker.

From Emotional Slavery to Emotional Liberation

Three stages to emotional liberation:

Emotional Slavery We believe we are responsible for the feelings of others. This can lead to seeing people close to us as burdens. This can be very detrimental to intimate relationships and feel smothered by attending to the others needs.

Obnoxious We become aware of the high costs of assuming responsibilty for others emotions. "That's your problem!", I"I'd rather do something else". We don't take into account the needs of others. Emotional liberation entials more than simply asserting our own needs.

Emotional Liberation We respond to the needs of others out of compassion, never out of fear, guilt or shame. Our actions are therefore fulfilling us as well as those who receive our efforts. We accept full responsibility for our own intentions and actions, but not for the feelings of others. We can never meet our own needs at the expense of others.

Exercise 3: Acknowledgedging Needs

Guess: 2, 4, 6, 10 (huray, perfect)

Chapter 6: Requesting that which would enrich life

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