Dave Cheney's On First

Mark: So Steve, I heard you just recently started coaching the Go baseball team.

Steve: I have.

Mark: Well you know I've never met the guys. So you'll have to tell me their names, and then I'll know who's playing on the team.

Steve: Oh, I'll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give these ball players now-a-days very peculiar names.

Mark: You mean funny names?

Steve: Strange names, pet names...like Dizzy Dean...

Steve: Well, let's see, we have on the bags, Dave Cheney's on first, Andrew Gerrand's on second, Rob Pike is on third...

Mark: That's what I want to find out.

Steve: I say Dave Cheney's on first, Andrew Gerrand's on second, Rob Pike's on third.

Mark: Are you the manager?

Steve: Yes.

Mark: You gonna be the coach too?

Steve: Yes.

Mark: And you don't know the fellows' names?

Steve: Well I should.

Mark: Well then Dave Cheney's on first?

Steve: Yes.

Mark: I mean the fellow's name.

Steve: Dave Cheney.

Mark: The guy on first.

Steve: Dave Cheney.

Mark: The first baseman.

Steve: Dave Cheney.

Mark: The guy playing...

Steve: Dave Cheney is on first!

Mark: I'm asking YOU Dave Cheney's on first.

Steve: That's the man's name.

Mark: That's Dave Cheney's name?

Steve: Yes.

Mark: Well go ahead and tell me.

Steve: That's it.

Mark: That's Dave Cheney?

Steve: Yes.

PAUSE

Mark: Look, you gotta first baseman?

Steve: Certainly.

Mark: Dave Cheney's playing first?

Steve: That's right.

Mark: When you pay off the first baseman every month, Dave Cheney gets the money?

Steve: Every dollar of it.

Mark: All I'm trying to find out is the fellow's name on first base.

Steve: Dave Cheney.

Mark: The guy that gets...

Steve: That's it.

Mark: Dave Cheney gets the money...

Steve: He does, every dollar. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.

Mark: Dave Cheney's wife?

Steve: Yes.

PAUSE

Steve: What's wrong with that?

Mark: Look, all I wanna know is when you sign up the first baseman, how does he sign his name?

Steve: Dave Cheney.

Mark: The guy.

Steve: Dave Cheney.

Mark: How does he sign...

Steve: That's how he signs it.

Mark: Dave Cheney?

Steve: Yes.

PAUSE

Mark: All I'm trying to find out is Andrew Gerrand's the guy's name on first base.

Steve: No. Andrew Gerrand is on second base.

Mark: I'm not asking you Dave Cheney's on second.

Steve: Dave Cheney's on first.

Mark: One base at a time!

Steve: Well, don't change the players around.

Mark: I'm not changing nobody!

Steve: Take it easy, buddy.

Mark: I'm only asking you, Dave Cheney's the guy on first base?

Steve: That's right.

Mark: Ok.

Steve: All right.

PAUSE

Mark: Andrew Gerrand's the guy's name on first base?

Steve: No. Andrew Gerrand is on second.

Mark: I'm not asking you Dave Cheney's on second.

Steve: Dave Cheney's on first.

Mark: Rob Pike.

Steve: He's on third, we're not talking about him.

Mark: Now how did I get on third base?

Steve: Why you mentioned his name.

Mark: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, Dave Cheney did I say is playing third?

Steve: No. Dave Cheney's playing first.

Mark: Andrew Gerrand's on first?

Steve: Andrew Gerrand's on second.

Mark: Rob Pike.

Steve: He's on third.

Mark: There I go, back on third again!

PAUSE

Mark: Would you just stay on third base and don't go off it.

Steve: All right, what do you want to know?

Mark: Now Dave Cheney's playing third base?

Steve: Why do you insist on putting Dave Cheney on third base?

Mark: Andrew Gerrand am I putting on third.

Steve: No. Andrew Gerrand is on second.

Mark: You don't want Dave Cheney on second?

Steve: Dave Cheney is on first.

Mark: Rob Pike.

Steve & Mark Together:Third base!

Mark: Ok, let's try it this way I get behind the plate to do some fancy catching and a heavy hitter gets up. Now the heavy hitter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, me, being a good catcher, I'm gonna throw the guy out at first base. So I pick up the ball and throw it to Dave Cheney?

Steve: Now that's the first thing you've said right.

Mark: I don't even know what I'm talking about!

PAUSE

Steve: That's all you have to do.

Mark: Is to throw the ball to first base.

Steve: Yes!

Mark: Now Dave Cheney's got it?

Steve: Naturally.

PAUSE

Mark: Look, if I throw the ball to first base, somebody's gotta get it. Now Dave Cheney has it?

Steve: Naturally.

Mark: Dave Cheney?

Steve: Naturally.

Mark: Naturally?

Steve: Naturally.

Mark: So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.

Steve: No you don't, you throw the ball to Dave Cheney.

Mark: Naturally.

Steve: That's different.

Mark: That's what I said.

Steve: You're not saying it...

Mark: I throw the ball to Naturally.

Steve: You throw it to Dave Cheney.

Mark: Naturally.

Steve: That's it.

Mark: That's what I said!

Steve: You ask me.

Mark: I throw the ball to Dave Cheney?

Steve: Naturally.

Mark: Now you ask me.

Steve: You throw the ball to Dave Cheney?

Mark: Naturally.

Steve: That's it.

Mark: Same as you! Same as YOU! I throw the ball to Dave Cheney. Dave Cheney drops the ball and the guy runs to second. Dave Cheney picks up the ball and throws it to Andrew Gerrand. Andrew Gerrand throws it to Rob Pike. Rob Pike throws it back to home, Triple play. Another guy gets up and hits a long fly ball to Rob Pike! He's on third and Bill Kennedy!

Steve: Andrew Gerrand?

Mark: I said Bill Kennedy!

Steve: Oh, that's our shortstop.