whee, i made their pointless C compile!

stupid axe ad

typedef struct {
  int girlfriend;
} holder;

typedef struct {
  holder a;
} toplevel;

typedef struct {
  int this;
} yoda;

int main() {
  holder holder = { 2 };
  yoda understand = { 2 };
  toplevel get = {holder};
  int you = 2;

  /* whee, i made this stupid code work! */
  if (you == understand.this) {
    get.a.girlfriend;
  }
  return 0;
}

// JavaScript / Node
var understand = { 'this': 'bleh' }
  , you        = 'bleh'
  , get        = { a: {
      get girlfriend () {
        throw new Error('You suck, Unilever')
      }
    }}

if (you == understand.this) {
  get.a.girlfriend;
}

// JavaScript / Node
var understand = { 'this': 'bleh' }
  , you        = 'bleh'
  , get        = { a: {
      get girlfriend () {
        throw new Error('You suck, Unilever')
      }
    }}

if (you == understand.this) {
  get.a.girlfriend;
}

// Golang

package main;

type Understanding struct{
    this string
}

type Getter struct{
    a What
}

type What struct{
    girlfriend string
}

func main() {

    you := "you"
    understand := Understanding{}
    get := Getter{What{}}

    if you == understand.this {
        get.a.girlfriend
    }
}

// Golang

package main;

type Understanding struct{
    this string
}

type Getter struct{
    a What
}

type What struct{
    girlfriend string
}

func main() {

    you := "you"
    understand := Understanding{}
    get := Getter{What{}}

    if you == understand.this {
        get.a.girlfriend
    }
}

def method_missing name, *args; Object.new; end
get a girlfriend if you understand this

def method_missing name, *args; Object.new; end
get a girlfriend if you understand this

    // Scala: 
    object AxeAssholes {                                                                                                                                                                                        

       case class Holder1(girlfriend: String)                                                                                                                                                               
       case class Holder2(a: Holder1)                                                                                                                                                                       
       case class Understand(`this`: Int)                                                                                                                                                                   

       val you = 1                                                                                                                                                                                            
       val understand = Understand(1)                                                                                                                                                                         
       val get = Holder2(Holder1("assholes"))                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           

       /* here you go you hateful mysogynists */                                                                                                                                                              

       if (you == understand.`this`) {                                                                                                                                                                        
          get.a.girlfriend;                                                                                                                                                                                   
       }                                                                                                                                                                                                      
  } 

    // Scala: 
    object AxeAssholes {                                                                                                                                                                                        

       case class Holder1(girlfriend: String)                                                                                                                                                               
       case class Holder2(a: Holder1)                                                                                                                                                                       
       case class Understand(`this`: Int)                                                                                                                                                                   

       val you = 1                                                                                                                                                                                            
       val understand = Understand(1)                                                                                                                                                                         
       val get = Holder2(Holder1("assholes"))                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           

       /* here you go you hateful mysogynists */                                                                                                                                                              

       if (you == understand.`this`) {                                                                                                                                                                        
          get.a.girlfriend;                                                                                                                                                                                   
       }                                                                                                                                                                                                      
  } 

// Axe.java
public class Axe {
  enum get {
    a;
    public void girlfriend () {
      throw new RuntimeException(
        "Error: Unilever's marketing department needs some imagination");
    }
  }

  static class understand {
    public void jockMarket () {
      understand you = this;

      /****************************/
      if (you == understand.this) {
        get.a.girlfriend();
      }
      /****************************/
    }
  }

  public static void main(String[] args) {
    new understand().jockMarket();
  }
}

Sadly I couldn't come up with a way to get rid of the () on girlfriend.

// Axe.java
public class Axe {
  enum get {
    a;
    public void girlfriend () {
      throw new RuntimeException(
        "Error: Unilever's marketing department needs some imagination");
    }
  }

  static class understand {
    public void jockMarket () {
      understand you = this;

      /****************************/
      if (you == understand.this) {
        get.a.girlfriend();
      }
      /****************************/
    }
  }

  public static void main(String[] args) {
    new understand().jockMarket();
  }
}

Sadly I couldn't come up with a way to get rid of the () on girlfriend.

betcha wish your girlfriend had an () like me.

betcha wish your girlfriend had an () like me.

For those asking, Axe ad can be seen here: https://www.google.com/search?q=axe+"if+you+%3D%3D+understand.this"&safe=off&source=lnms&tbm=isch

For those asking, Axe ad can be seen here: https://www.google.com/search?q=axe+"if+you+%3D%3D+understand.this"&safe=off&source=lnms&tbm=isch

My slim grasp of Rust:

// axe.rc
fn main() {
  struct Understand { this: int }
  let you = 1;
  let understand = Understand { this: 1 };
  struct A;
  impl A { fn girlfriend(&self) { println("DOUCHE!"); } }
  struct Get { a: A }
  let get = Get { a: A };

  /***************************/
  if (you == understand.this) {
    get.a.girlfriend();
  }
  /***************************/
}

My slim grasp of Rust:

// axe.rc
fn main() {
  struct Understand { this: int }
  let you = 1;
  let understand = Understand { this: 1 };
  struct A;
  impl A { fn girlfriend(&self) { println("DOUCHE!"); } }
  struct Get { a: A }
  let get = Get { a: A };

  /***************************/
  if (you == understand.this) {
    get.a.girlfriend();
  }
  /***************************/
}

fucking offensive aye?

fucking offensive aye?

@sinm Your rubby example explodes (intentional?) 😾

# axe.rb
def method_missing name, *args; return; end
get a girlfriend if you understand this
=> nil

@sinm Your rubby example explodes (intentional?) 😾

# axe.rb
def method_missing name, *args; return; end
get a girlfriend if you understand this
=> nil

betcha wish your girlfriend had an () like me.

🙈 A new low, @mwotton.

betcha wish your girlfriend had an () like me.

🙈 A new low, @mwotton.

C#

namespace Axe
{
    class Program
    {
        static void Main(string[] args)
        {
            var you = 1;
            var understand = new {@this = 1};
            var get = new
            {
                a = new
                {
                    girlfriend = new Action(() => { throw new Exception("Discrimination"); })
                }
            };

            if (you == understand.@this)
            {
                get.a.girlfriend();
            }
        }
    }
}

C#

namespace Axe
{
    class Program
    {
        static void Main(string[] args)
        {
            var you = 1;
            var understand = new {@this = 1};
            var get = new
            {
                a = new
                {
                    girlfriend = new Action(() => { throw new Exception("Discrimination"); })
                }
            };

            if (you == understand.@this)
            {
                get.a.girlfriend();
            }
        }
    }
}

JavaScript Redux (browser only)

you = understand = a = window
understand.this = window
get = this

if (you == understand.this) {
    get.a.girlfriend
}

JavaScript Redux (browser only)

you = understand = a = window
understand.this = window
get = this

if (you == understand.this) {
    get.a.girlfriend
}

Also... If I may...

switch (ad, you.buy.axe, you) {
    case 1:
        throw HighSchoolFootball
    case 2:
        throw FratParties
    case 3:
        throw GarbageInTheDumpsterBehindMcDonalds (as.part.of.your.job) 
}

Also... If I may...

switch (ad, you.buy.axe, you) {
    case 1:
        throw HighSchoolFootball
    case 2:
        throw FratParties
    case 3:
        throw GarbageInTheDumpsterBehindMcDonalds (as.part.of.your.job) 
}

lame.php

define("you", "ab");
define("understand", "a");
define("this", "b");
define("get", "screw");
define("a", "you");
define("girlfriend", "axe");

if(you == understand.this) {
    get.a.girlfriend;
}
?>

lame.php

define("you", "ab");
define("understand", "a");
define("this", "b");
define("get", "screw");
define("a", "you");
define("girlfriend", "axe");

if(you == understand.this) {
    get.a.girlfriend;
}
?>

Nowhere near being idiomatic ruby, but rather gets the point across.

def method_missing name, *args
  @i ||= -4
  @i += 1
  o = ""
  o += args.first + " " if args.first
  o += %w(You suck Unilever.)[@i] if @i >= 0
  o
end

get a girlfriend if you understand this
# => "You suck Unilever."

Nowhere near being idiomatic ruby, but rather gets the point across.

def method_missing name, *args
  @i ||= -4
  @i += 1
  o = ""
  o += args.first + " " if args.first
  o += %w(You suck Unilever.)[@i] if @i >= 0
  o
end

get a girlfriend if you understand this
# => "You suck Unilever."

#!/usr/bin/env python
class foo: girlfriend=42
class get: a=foo()
class understand: this=42
if __name__ == "__main__":
  you = 42
  if you == understand.this:
    get.a.girlfriend

#!/usr/bin/env python
class foo: girlfriend=42
class get: a=foo()
class understand: this=42
if __name__ == "__main__":
  you = 42
  if you == understand.this:
    get.a.girlfriend

Axe.py

class MisogynyEnabler:
        pass

understand, get = MisogynyEnabler(), MisogynyEnabler()

you = 1
understand.this = 1

if you == understand.this:
        try:
                get.a.girlfriend
        except AttributeError:
                raise Exception('Outdated attitudes detected')

Axe.py

class MisogynyEnabler:
        pass

understand, get = MisogynyEnabler(), MisogynyEnabler()

you = 1
understand.this = 1

if you == understand.this:
        try:
                get.a.girlfriend
        except AttributeError:
                raise Exception('Outdated attitudes detected')

setmetatable(_G,{__index=function()return _G end, __call=function()end})
if you == understand.this then
  get.a.girlfriend()
end

Lua won't parse the middle line without an assignment or a function call, unfortunately.

setmetatable(_G,{__index=function()return _G end, __call=function()end})
if you == understand.this then
  get.a.girlfriend()
end

Lua won't parse the middle line without an assignment or a function call, unfortunately.

another php attempt with not-quite-right syntax but I found it funny (and this one actually executes something)

class Axe {
    public function __get($name) {
        if($name == "girlfriend") {
            echo "lol only single males know code";
        } else {
            return new Axe();
        }
    }
}

$get = new Axe(); // sadly constants can't hold objects otherwise I could get rid of the dollar.

define("you", "lolmoney");
define("understand", "lol");
define("this", "money");

if(you == understand.this) {
    $get->a->girlfriend;
}

?>

another php attempt with not-quite-right syntax but I found it funny (and this one actually executes something)

class Axe {
    public function __get($name) {
        if($name == "girlfriend") {
            echo "lol only single males know code";
        } else {
            return new Axe();
        }
    }
}

$get = new Axe(); // sadly constants can't hold objects otherwise I could get rid of the dollar.

define("you", "lolmoney");
define("understand", "lol");
define("this", "money");

if(you == understand.this) {
    $get->a->girlfriend;
}

?>

#!/usr/bin/env python
class a(object): __getattr__ = lambda s,*a,**k: s
locals().update({i:a() for i in ('you', 'understand', 'get')})

if you == understand.this:
    get.a.girlfriend

#!/usr/bin/env python
class a(object): __getattr__ = lambda s,*a,**k: s
locals().update({i:a() for i in ('you', 'understand', 'get')})

if you == understand.this:
    get.a.girlfriend

Here's my python version:

class Object():
    def __init__(self):
        self.a = self
        self.girlfriend = self
        self.this = self


def axe(you, understand, get):
    if you == understand.this:
        get.a.girlfriend

you = Object()
understand = you
get = Object()

axe(you, understand, get)

Here's my python version:

class Object():
    def __init__(self):
        self.a = self
        self.girlfriend = self
        self.this = self


def axe(you, understand, get):
    if you == understand.this:
        get.a.girlfriend

you = Object()
understand = you
get = Object()

axe(you, understand, get)

/* You "class" */

function You() {
    this.understanding = ['some-bullshit-pseudocode', 'axe-being-terrible'];
}

You.prototype.understand = function (wat) {
    return this.understanding.indexOf(wat) !== -1;
};

/* Girlfriend "class" */

function Girlfriend() {}

Girlfriend.prototype.get = function () {
    alert('lolol u smell like a 14 year-old');
};

/* Main shit */

function init() {
    var you = new You();
    var thisBullshit = 'some-bullshit-pseudocode';

    if (you.understand(thisBullshit)) {
        var girlfriend = new Girlfriend();
        girlfriend.get();
    }
}

init();

(not written by me, thank @bellendsebastian)

/* You "class" */

function You() {
    this.understanding = ['some-bullshit-pseudocode', 'axe-being-terrible'];
}

You.prototype.understand = function (wat) {
    return this.understanding.indexOf(wat) !== -1;
};

/* Girlfriend "class" */

function Girlfriend() {}

Girlfriend.prototype.get = function () {
    alert('lolol u smell like a 14 year-old');
};

/* Main shit */

function init() {
    var you = new You();
    var thisBullshit = 'some-bullshit-pseudocode';

    if (you.understand(thisBullshit)) {
        var girlfriend = new Girlfriend();
        girlfriend.get();
    }
}

init();

(not written by me, thank @bellendsebastian)

It is worth noting (for extreme values of "worth") that this snippet is also valid (though pointless) brainfuck syntax.

It is worth noting (for extreme values of "worth") that this snippet is also valid (though pointless) brainfuck syntax.

coffeescript!

you = understand: (that) => this is that
get = a: girlfriend: -> alert 'You suck Unilever!'
do get.a.girlfriend if you.understand this

coffeescript!

you = understand: (that) => this is that
get = a: girlfriend: -> alert 'You suck Unilever!'
do get.a.girlfriend if you.understand this

I'm married. Fuck you all. totters off

I'm married. Fuck you all. totters off

#!/bin/bash

you="bleh.blah"
understand="bleh"
this="blah"
get="echo "
a="You suck,"
girlfriend=" Unilever"

if [ ${you} == "${understand}.${this}" ]; then
    ${get}${a}${girlfriend};
fi

#!/bin/bash

you="bleh.blah"
understand="bleh"
this="blah"
get="echo "
a="You suck,"
girlfriend=" Unilever"

if [ ${you} == "${understand}.${this}" ]; then
    ${get}${a}${girlfriend};
fi

Brainfuck:

          +++                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  
         +++++
         ++[>+
         >+++>
         +++++
         ++>++
 +++ +++ ++<<< <-]>>
>>-----------.+++++++
+++++++++++++++.++++++.<
<++.>>--.++.------------
------.++++++++.<<.>+++
++++++++++++.>+++.----
 -.+++.-------.+++++
++If++you++understand++this+;+get+a+girlfriend.
  <+++++++++++++
  +++.>----.<<+.

Brainfuck:

          +++                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  
         +++++
         ++[>+
         >+++>
         +++++
         ++>++
 +++ +++ ++<<< <-]>>
>>-----------.+++++++
+++++++++++++++.++++++.<
<++.>>--.++.------------
------.++++++++.<<.>+++
++++++++++++.>+++.----
 -.+++.-------.+++++
++If++you++understand++this+;+get+a+girlfriend.
  <+++++++++++++
  +++.>----.<<+.

@sgerrand re: first ruby example, I believe idea was to make parse/compile, not to output obscenities for some ad agency. :)

@sgerrand re: first ruby example, I believe idea was to make parse/compile, not to output obscenities for some ad agency. :)

PHP - Live Test 5.0.0 - 5.5.1

Issues

    try {
        if ($you = new Understand(new You())) {
            $you->get()->a()->girlFriend(new Her());
        }
    } catch ( NullBabeException $e ) {
        echo $e->getMessage();
    }

Classes

abstract class Person {
    abstract public function name();
    function __toString() {
        return $this->name();
    }
}

class Her extends Person {
    public function name() {
        return "girlFriend";
    }
}

class You extends Person {
    public function name() {
        return "you";
    }
}

class Understand {
    private $y, $i;
    function __construct(Person $y) {
        $this->y = $y;
        $this->i = "";
    }
    function a() {
        return new What($this->y, $this->i);
    }
    function get() {
        while ( $x = mt_rand(0, 5) ) {
            $this->i .= $x;
        }
        return $this;
    }
}

class What {
    private $i, $y;
    function __construct(Person $y, $i) {
        $this->i = $i;
        $this->y = $y;
    }
    function girlFriend(Person $her) {
        throw new NullBabeException(sprintf("%s is Needed ASAP Found %s issues with  %s ", 
                $her, number_format(( int ) $this->i), $this->y), E_CORE_WARNING);
    }
}

Exceptions

class NullBabeException extends Exception {
    function __construct($m) {
        parent::__construct(sprintf("<h1>%s</h1>", $m));
    }
}

PHP - Live Test 5.0.0 - 5.5.1

Issues

    try {
        if ($you = new Understand(new You())) {
            $you->get()->a()->girlFriend(new Her());
        }
    } catch ( NullBabeException $e ) {
        echo $e->getMessage();
    }

Classes

abstract class Person {
    abstract public function name();
    function __toString() {
        return $this->name();
    }
}

class Her extends Person {
    public function name() {
        return "girlFriend";
    }
}

class You extends Person {
    public function name() {
        return "you";
    }
}

class Understand {
    private $y, $i;
    function __construct(Person $y) {
        $this->y = $y;
        $this->i = "";
    }
    function a() {
        return new What($this->y, $this->i);
    }
    function get() {
        while ( $x = mt_rand(0, 5) ) {
            $this->i .= $x;
        }
        return $this;
    }
}

class What {
    private $i, $y;
    function __construct(Person $y, $i) {
        $this->i = $i;
        $this->y = $y;
    }
    function girlFriend(Person $her) {
        throw new NullBabeException(sprintf("%s is Needed ASAP Found %s issues with  %s ", 
                $her, number_format(( int ) $this->i), $this->y), E_CORE_WARNING);
    }
}

Exceptions

class NullBabeException extends Exception {
    function __construct($m) {
        parent::__construct(sprintf("<h1>%s</h1>", $m));
    }
}

#!/usr/bin/env python
import this

# ;_; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o9pEzgHorH0
class Person(object):
    def understand(self, concept):
        assert concept
        return concept

    def get(self):
        return self

you = Person()
girlfriend = Person()

if __name__ == '__main__':
    if you.understand(this):
        girlfriend.get()

#!/usr/bin/env python
import this

# ;_; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o9pEzgHorH0
class Person(object):
    def understand(self, concept):
        assert concept
        return concept

    def get(self):
        return self

you = Person()
girlfriend = Person()

if __name__ == '__main__':
    if you.understand(this):
        girlfriend.get()

orf's python doesn't reach the if block, thus my version:

class a: __cmp__ = lambda *a: 0
class b(object): __getattribute__ = lambda *a: b()

you = a()
understand = get = b()

if you == understand.this:
    get.a.girlfriend

Didn't actually read his before I wrote mine. That feeling when someone already had your idea... head → wall

And because I didn't like the mass definition of structs, here's my C version (for which I had to modify the syntax slightly):

int main() {
    union bar {
        void* this;
        union bar* a;
        void* girlfriend;
    } get;
    void* you = get.a = &get;
    union bar understand;
    understand.a = get.a;

    if (you == understand.this) {
        get.a->girlfriend;
    }
    return 0;
}

orf's python doesn't reach the if block, thus my version:

class a: __cmp__ = lambda *a: 0
class b(object): __getattribute__ = lambda *a: b()

you = a()
understand = get = b()

if you == understand.this:
    get.a.girlfriend

Didn't actually read his before I wrote mine. That feeling when someone already had your idea... head → wall

And because I didn't like the mass definition of structs, here's my C version (for which I had to modify the syntax slightly):

int main() {
    union bar {
        void* this;
        union bar* a;
        void* girlfriend;
    } get;
    void* you = get.a = &get;
    union bar understand;
    understand.a = get.a;

    if (you == understand.this) {
        get.a->girlfriend;
    }
    return 0;
}

Only 8th grade boys like the smell of Axe. The irony is that 8th grade girls think the boys who like it are idiots. So if you want a girlfriend, you;re better off with Old Spice.

Only 8th grade boys like the smell of Axe. The irony is that 8th grade girls think the boys who like it are idiots. So if you want a girlfriend, you;re better off with Old Spice.

#!/usr/bin/perl

=head1 NAME

douchebag.pl - douchebaggery implemented in Perl

=head1 SYNOPSIS

    $ perl douchebag.pl

=head1 DESCRIPTION

douchebag.pl is precisely what it says on the tin.

=head1 COPYRIGHT

Copyright (C) 2013 Apreten Tiousass Wipe

douchebag.pl may be used and/or redistributed under the same terms as Perl itself.

=cut

sub get_a {
    my ($object_to_get, @args) = @_;
    if ($object_to_get eq "girlfriend") {
        return 0;
    } else {
        return 1;
    }
}

sub you_understand {
    my $subject = shift;
    return 1;
}

my $this = "perl";

if (you_understand($this)) {
    get_a("girlfriend");
}

#!/usr/bin/perl

=head1 NAME

douchebag.pl - douchebaggery implemented in Perl

=head1 SYNOPSIS

    $ perl douchebag.pl

=head1 DESCRIPTION

douchebag.pl is precisely what it says on the tin.

=head1 COPYRIGHT

Copyright (C) 2013 Apreten Tiousass Wipe

douchebag.pl may be used and/or redistributed under the same terms as Perl itself.

=cut

sub get_a {
    my ($object_to_get, @args) = @_;
    if ($object_to_get eq "girlfriend") {
        return 0;
    } else {
        return 1;
    }
}

sub you_understand {
    my $subject = shift;
    return 1;
}

my $this = "perl";

if (you_understand($this)) {
    get_a("girlfriend");
}

@alexindigo:

re: first ruby example, I believe idea was to make parse/compile, not to output obscenities for some ad agency. :)

My point was that it didn't compile. 😉

@alexindigo:

re: first ruby example, I believe idea was to make parse/compile, not to output obscenities for some ad agency. :)

My point was that it didn't compile. 😉

jplitza: ooh, i like that one, but changing the Axe code to be less stupid is a definite no-no.

jplitza: ooh, i like that one, but changing the Axe code to be less stupid is a definite no-no.

@sgerrand:

It compiled and ran successfully, both on my machine and in the REPL output you posted.

@sgerrand:

It compiled and ran successfully, both on my machine and in the REPL output you posted.

Common Lisp

* (let* ((you 1) (understand.this 1) (get.a.girlfriend "HODOR!"))
    (progn
      (defmacro custom-if (func if-form block-start result block-end)
        (list `,func `(,(cadr if-form) ,(car if-form) ,(caddr if-form)) result))
      (setf (symbol-function '==) (function =)))
    (custom-if
      if (you == understand.this) {
        get.a.girlfriend;
      }
  ))
"HODOR!"

Common Lisp

* (let* ((you 1) (understand.this 1) (get.a.girlfriend "HODOR!"))
    (progn
      (defmacro custom-if (func if-form block-start result block-end)
        (list `,func `(,(cadr if-form) ,(car if-form) ,(caddr if-form)) result))
      (setf (symbol-function '==) (function =)))
    (custom-if
      if (you == understand.this) {
        get.a.girlfriend;
      }
  ))
"HODOR!"

@pranavrc All the props.

@pranavrc All the props.

yes, I think @pranavrc wins this thread with that one, macro-to-the-max!

yes, I think @pranavrc wins this thread with that one, macro-to-the-max!

Instead of trying to defend original code I'll propose how it should actually look to make sense:

if (you.understand(this)){
    you.get_a_girlfriend();
}

Instead of trying to defend original code I'll propose how it should actually look to make sense:

if (you.understand(this)){
    you.get_a_girlfriend();
}