Programming Language Checklist

Programming Language Checklist
by Colin McMillen, Jason Reed, and Elly Jones. 

You appear to be advocating a new:
[ ] functional  [X] imperative  [ ] object-oriented  [X] procedural [ ] stack-based
[ ] "multi-paradigm"  [ ] lazy  [ ] eager  [X] statically-typed  [X] dynamically-typed
[ ] pure  [ ] impure  [ ] non-hygienic  [ ] visual  [X] beginner-friendly
[X] non-programmer-friendly  [ ] completely incomprehensible
programming language.  Your language will not work.  Here is why it will not work.

You appear to believe that:
[X] Syntax is what makes programming difficult
[X] Garbage collection is free                [ ] Computers have infinite memory
[X] Nobody really needs:
    [ ] concurrency  [ ] a REPL  [X] debugger support  [ ] IDE support  [ ] I/O
    [ ] to interact with code not written in your language
[ ] The entire world speaks 7-bit ASCII
[ ] Scaling up to large software projects will be easy
[X] Convincing programmers to adopt a new language will be easy
[X] Convincing programmers to adopt a language-specific IDE will be easy
[ ] Programmers love writing lots of boilerplate
[ ] Specifying behaviors as "undefined" means that programmers won't rely on them
[ ] "Spooky action at a distance" makes programming more fun

Unfortunately, your language (has/lacks):
[ ] comprehensible syntax  [ ] semicolons  [ ] significant whitespace  [ ] macros
[ ] implicit type conversion  [X] explicit casting  [ ] type inference
[ ] goto  [ ] exceptions  [ ] closures  [ ] tail recursion  [ ] coroutines
[ ] reflection  [ ] subtyping  [X] multiple inheritance  [ ] operator overloading
[ ] algebraic datatypes  [ ] recursive types  [ ] polymorphic types
[ ] covariant array typing  [ ] monads  [ ] dependent types
[ ] infix operators  [ ] nested comments  [ ] multi-line strings  [ ] regexes
[ ] call-by-value  [ ] call-by-name  [ ] call-by-reference  [ ] call-cc

The following philosophical objections apply:
[ ] Programmers should not need to understand category theory to write "Hello, World!"
[ ] Programmers should not develop RSI from writing "Hello, World!"
[ ] The most significant program written in your language is its own compiler
[ ] The most significant program written in your language isn't even its own compiler
[X] No language spec
[ ] "The implementation is the spec"
   [ ] The implementation is closed-source  [ ] covered by patents  [ ] not owned by you
[ ] Your type system is unsound  [ ] Your language cannot be unambiguously parsed
   [ ] a proof of same is attached
   [ ] invoking this proof crashes the compiler
[X] The name of your language makes it impossible to find on Google
[ ] Interpreted languages will never be as fast as C
[X] Compiled languages will never be "extensible"
[ ] Writing a compiler that understands English is AI-complete
[X] Your language relies on an optimization which has never been shown possible
[ ] There are less than 100 programmers on Earth smart enough to use your language
[ ] ____________________________ takes exponential time
[ ] ____________________________ is known to be undecidable

Your implementation has the following flaws:
[X] CPUs do not work that way
[X] RAM does not work that way
[X] VMs do not work that way
[X] Compilers do not work that way
[X] Compilers cannot work that way
[ ] Shift-reduce conflicts in parsing seem to be resolved using rand()
[ ] You require the compiler to be present at runtime
[X] You require the language runtime to be present at compile-time
[ ] Your compiler errors are completely inscrutable
[ ] Dangerous behavior is only a warning
[ ] The compiler crashes if you look at it funny
[ ] The VM crashes if you look at it funny
[ ] You don't seem to understand basic optimization techniques
[X] You don't seem to understand basic systems programming
[X] You don't seem to understand pointers
[ ] You don't seem to understand functions

Additionally, your marketing has the following problems:
[X] Unsupported claims of increased productivity
[X] Unsupported claims of greater "ease of use"
[ ] Obviously rigged benchmarks
   [ ] Graphics, simulation, or crypto benchmarks where your code just calls
       handwritten assembly through your FFI
   [ ] String-processing benchmarks where you just call PCRE
   [ ] Matrix-math benchmarks where you just call BLAS
[X] Noone really believes that your language is faster than:
    [ ] assembly  [X] C  [ ] FORTRAN  [ ] Java  [ ] Ruby  [ ] Prolog
[X] Rejection of orthodox programming-language theory without justification
[ ] Rejection of orthodox systems programming without justification
[ ] Rejection of orthodox algorithmic theory without justification
[X] Rejection of basic computer science without justification

Taking the wider ecosystem into account, I would like to note that:
[ ] Your complex sample code would be one line in: _______________________
[X] We already have an unsafe imperative language
[X] We already have a safe imperative OO language
[ ] We already have a safe statically-typed eager functional language
[ ] You have reinvented Lisp but worse
[X] You have reinvented Javascript but worse
[X] You have reinvented Java but worse
[ ] You have reinvented C++ but worse
[ ] You have reinvented PHP but worse
[ ] You have reinvented PHP better, but that's still no justification
[ ] You have reinvented Brainfuck but non-ironically

In conclusion, this is what I think of you:
[X] You have some interesting ideas, but this won't fly.
[X] This is a bad language, and you should feel bad for inventing it.
[X] Programming in this language is an adequate punishment for inventing it.